 recently learned that Wheel of Time Season 2 is about to begin. And frankly, I had totally forgotten about Wheel of Time. And I realized that if I'm going to be watching Season 2, which of course I'm going to watch Season 2, then I need to re-watch Season 1, because I don't remember anything. But I don't want everyone to have to re-watch Season 1, as amazing as it was. We all have things to do. So I took it upon myself to re-watch all of Season 1 so that I can recap it all for you so that you don't have to watch it before Season 2 airs. So we're going to go through every episode and cover what happens in each one so that we're all caught up in time for Season 2. Episode 1, leave taking. We open very dramatically with Not Galadriel telling us about the bad times before and the bad guy who did the bad times, which we have to prevent from returning because bad guy 2.0 is definitely somewhere. We don't get to see any of that. It's much more important for us for the plot to see her getting dressed. Then some other girl boss urgently pursues some dude, catches him, and then takes her sweet time dramatically walking over to him to tell him that he's a yucky boy who's getting his cooties all over their girl power. Not Galadriel was lurking nearby and she hears this dude scream. And based on the scream, she determines him not to be the 2.0 that's so important. How does she know you might be asking? And her companion does ask. And, uh, yeah, well, okay then. We then cut to the multicultural summit of hippie women who are braiding each other's hair by the water, peaceful and supportive, and they push new girl off the cliff. Dang, I didn't know hippies were into hazing. So new girl then washes up on shore after that ordeal. And first things first, she checks to make sure that her new hairdo is still intact. We then cut to Hollister and his pops giving us some conveniently expository dialogue. Hollister then overreacts to the sound of a very distant howl, but then he immediately drops his bow on the ground because he urgently needs to move one, two, three, four rocks, which he tosses easily, almost like they were props. Then Hollister's friends, I think their names were Mary, Dude, and Gambler. They kindly remind us of what Hollister's dad just told us, that he's into cliffdiver girl. You know, the one that was making sure her hair was okay. She conveniently enters the tavern to huge applause. And because she's like gone through the hazing, she now gets to join the Mean Girls at the Mean Girl table because she's one of them now. Then a cowboy enters the salute. Wait, no, I think it's, is it Strider? Sorry, pal. This isn't the prancing. Oh, I think that was that guy that was simping after not Galadriel, but but then wears. Oh, okay. So she couldn't come in until he denounced her. But I'm not sure how she heard him murmur her name when she was standing outside in the rain. And he was saying it super quietly facing away from her. I guess one of her superpowers is super hearing. And our bright boy Hollister confirms this because he notices this too. And so when Mary Dude starts like talking some shit about not Galadriel, Hollister is like shush, dude. She's probably got super hearing. But then he proceeds to talk about her himself, about how her powers by themselves could turn the tide of battle. I wonder if that will become important later. Anyway, so then the head Mean Girl, she comes over and is like, yo, Mary Dude, where's your wife? Tell me she's not blacksmithing alone. He takes the hint and goes home to his wife, the blacksmith, who's still hard at work. I'm just wondering earlier that day, were they both working in the forge? And then was he like, be back in a sec? And then just went to the pub and never came back? Anyway, so he comes back in and is all like, why are you working instead of drinking your m- Excuse me? I just kind of just want to say something. I've been trying to keep quiet, but first of all, Mary Dude's name is actually Perrin. I'm not calling him that. Mary Dude actually can't be called Mary Dude because in the books he doesn't have a wife. And I need you to remember this. I feel like this is a vital piece of information for you to remember for later, this episode. So maybe you could call him like, not Mary Dude instead. Anyway, Gambler meanwhile has to go home because his dad is cheating and mom is drunk, so eesh. Meanwhile, back at the tavern, the parents of Hollister and Cliff Girl are like, why don't you all do the dishes? Which is apparently Village Code for doing the nasty. Here we get the reveal that both Hollister and Cliff Girl have memory problems because he tells her that his dad just told him that he used to pick berries for her when he and she were kids, which is apparently news to him and is also apparently news to her. In light of this found memory, he tries to give her pocket berries. She's like, all gross. Then we cut to not Galadriel and her simp who are taking a bath together. And here we learn the very important information that her magic can make the water warmer. Very important. Then we cut back again to Hollister and Cliff Girl, who are in the middle of the empty tavern naked. But Cliff Girl then drops the bombshell that the head mean girl wants Cliff Girl to become apprentice head mean girl, which obviously means that she can't have a boyfriend. And Hollister is like, are you for real right now? You can play me like that? I mean, they just did the nasty. But then we cut to Voldemort riding into the village. Oh my God, they're in danger. Oh, just kidding. We cut immediately to broad daylight then and some dude whistling. So I don't know what that was about. Mary dude and his wife are together, which is very important to stay on top of that situation. Gambler goes over to this newcomer, this whistling dude, and he tries to sell him a gold bracelet that he stole the night before. I forgot to mention that gasp. But the whistler dude is like, will I be able to sell this bracelet here in town? Whistler by dude, you're a traveling tradesman, you go from town to town selling things as you find them, right? So like, why would you want to buy something in this town? Only if you could immediately sell it in the same town? Am I missing something? Then we cut back to not Galadriel and her simp who have a classically one sided conversation. You didn't sleep. You think Voldemort is already here? Yes, we better get to work. Then we cut to Cliff girl who goes to find Hollister who is being sad on his thinking rock. He tells her that when he's up there, he likes to think about his life. Super deep. If girl gets emotional, because she's chosen the mean girl and Hollister is like, yeah, I figured. Meanwhile, not Galadriel decides to go and out mean girl, the head mean girl, they call you a leader, but you're cleaning sad. You're not from around here, are you? The lady that raised me tried joining your club but your peeps thought she was smelling her accent was poor with her accent. Was it different from everyone else we've heard in this town so far? Because like, y'all don't sound any different from not Galadriel. Well, you see my initial rudeness was a clever ruse to trick you into thinking that I don't like you. But actually, unlike this town's people who haven't seemed to have had a problem with her at all, I think you're swell. Well, I still don't like you so there. Okay, okay, I just have to say that this scene would make a lot more sense in the book. And that's because it's not in the book, because the scene makes absolutely no sense. The white tower is actually like desperate for women and would never turn someone away and in some cases kind of like forces women to go to the white tower to train. Are you gonna keep doing this? No, no, that that was the last one. Anyway, cut to mean girl and cliff girl standing on the Wee Bridge, listening to the wind. Do you hear that? The wind? Yeah. Yeah, it sounds wrong. Does that mean something? I've never heard anything like it. You've never heard strong wind? Then simp finds some super sus dead animals in the woods. Then we cut to married dude and Hollister who are giving gambler some money. Very important plot development, presumably. Then we cut back to Hollister at home with his dad and he's like, hey, wouldn't it be nice to celebrate Tangled Day with the rest of the town? But the dad is like, nah, why bother? We can light a candle by ourselves just as easy. And then Hollister is like, hey, we haven't mentioned the title of the show yet. So could you tell me about the wheel of time? And the dad is like, oh, dang, you're right. Yeah. The wheel of time turns and ages come and pass, leaving memories that turn into legend. Legend fades to myth. And even myth is long forgotten when the age that gave birth I think we get the idea. Anyway, we cut now to the village dancing. Meanwhile, the simp goes over to Nacoladriel and is like, hey, bad guys are here. We got about. Do you know who 2.0 is yet? Nacoladriel does not know. And I kind of would just like to say that it might have been a good idea to like spend your time in the village, I don't know talking to people, maybe trying to figure out which ones are the ones you're interested in, instead of just dramatically staring off into the middle distance. But you know, what do I know? But Nacoladriel and simp spend way too long thinking about it because bad dudes start attacking everybody and mean girl and cliff girl team up to help one old dude who immediately dies pause for sadness while everyone else is still in danger. Hollister and his pops in their house away from the village also get attacked. But pops has got some moves, which is surprising, but that doesn't save pops from a pretty bad hit, which I think upsets Hollister, but it's kind of hard to tell his face doesn't really change. Then finally, after basically the whole village has been slaughtered, Nacoladriel decides to finally do her colors of the wind interpretive dance, which doesn't do much. Everybody is still getting attacked. Didn't Hollister say earlier that her people like just one of them could turn the tide of an entire battle? Well, I guess not. Then a gambler he finds where his little sisters are safely hiding and he pulls them out of their hiding place and is like, okay, here's the plan. We hide. Then married dude and married dude's wife get attacked and married dude totally owns the creature and then goes his wife. Whoops, RIP. RIP, I guess. This woman doesn't exist. She doesn't exist. Anyway, everybody else is still dying and Nacoladriel is still dancing and then Nacoladriel gets hit and the baddies all pause to cheer, but getting hit is apparently what like unlocks her mojo because she suddenly starts to take the situation real seriously. She gathers enough mojo to do some serious damage to the town. So what she does is she destroys the infrastructure of the town in order to hit the baddies with rocks until the buildings collapse. Then the next morning Hollister shows up with his injured dad and is like, hey, girlfriend, forget everybody else that you're healing. My dad needs healing and she's like, duh, of course. Literally no one else matters. And then even Nacoladriel comes over to help Hollister's dad and she like takes a look at his wound and is like, that's bad guy poison and she immediately like gets to work with her mojo like magic healing him. So I guess all the other villagers that got attacked somehow didn't get bad guy poison in their wounds. So anyway, Nacoladriel magic heals Hollister's pops. To which Hollister's reaction you might think would be gratitude. Might be, wow, gee, thanks. Don't know what I would have done without you, but you'd be wrong. Unlike you and me, Hollister isn't taken in by her seeming niceness. His reaction to her healing his dad from near certain death is, yo lady, um, you came here and then all these baddies showed up. I think that's pretty sus, but then Nacoladriel is like, um, jokes on you. These baddies all showed up because of you and your friends who have all conveniently gathered for me to point at. So because see, um, a magic lady saw the wheel turning and then that meant that the actual bad guy is back. So we need bad guy 2.0 who is for sure is he is one of kids in the town to defeat the real bad guy? I think? I think that's right. Nacoladriel's real pissed at these kids from this village. She's like, you've spent way too long in this village pretending like what happens in the rest of the world doesn't affect you. I mean they were born in this village and then just still live in that village? Is that not okay? She's like, we leave now. And I feel like she could have prepped them for that moment by like talking to them when she got to the village, but whatever. End of the episode. On to the 2. Shadows waiting. So we open with the fantasy KKK where the chief dude is eating weird food while a lady who's apparently being burned at the stake is calmly watching him as the flames reach her waist. She does finally start to complain a little bit and we cut to our brave heroes as they are trotting along until simp gallops up to them and everyone stops and he says nothing. And the Nacoladriel is like, how much time? Not enough. We need to move faster. Everyone then finally starts to get a move on. I really feel like simp could have just rode up to them and immediately been like, hey no time let's go instead of like waiting to be asked but I don't know. The hobbits make it safely to the ferry which will take them across the water which the ringwraiths fear. Wait, no. Wrong story. So it seems like they're going to make it safely across the water but then Voldemort rides forth and nothing happens and they still cross. But then the ferryman wants to go back but not Galadriel is like, nope and sinks his ferry. But like a good captain the ferryman decides to go down with his ship. Actually, well I I don't want a nitpick but but you're gonna like the scene gives a very different vibe of moraine in the book. Who? Not Galadriel. Anyway, the scene makes way more sense. It's much more subtle in the book. Like first of all, the ferry dudes are totally sketch and you think that they're going to do bad things anyway and then when they get to the other side the a whirlpool appears and the ferry just kind of sinks into it and moraine's standing there like weird whirlpools kind of happen sometimes. Isn't that funny and no one really knows it's her and no one jumps in the river and dies going after it. They're not idiots. Anyway, our heroes make camp and then Gambler conveniently brings up mean girl saying if she was here she'd be arguing with the not Galadriel this whole time. But this is super triggering for cliff girl because she saw mean girl get dragged off by one of the beasties. Then not married dude, you happy now? I guess. Is like no, dying a super violent death is totally peaceful and you shouldn't worry about it. Okay pal, you go on telling yourself that. Hollister wants to make a plan or something but cliff girl's like what if she's right about us and I would just like to point out that it is a little bit late in the game to be wondering if you should have rode off with her because like because because you did ride off with her so like what are you gonna do ride back alone? Like okay but so then everyone goes to sleep because I guess we didn't decide to ride off alone so yay quest continues. They all go to sleep but then not Galadriel decides to creep on cliff girl who's like so you gonna kill us all like you killed fairy man? Not Galadriel is like girl he killed himself and cliff girl's like well yeah fair point. Not Galadriel wants to know what cliff girl's townspeople call this like weather forecasting power and cliff girl says we listen to the wind. It's a great name for it. Then not Galadriel gets out a necklace and tells cliff girl in the dead of night in darkness to look closely at the stone. Couldn't they do this in the morning? Look at the stone. You're starting to feel very sleepy. Then cliff girl goes and finds Hollister and lies down next to him but he's like um I came over here to be alone which is a great idea when you're sleeping in the woods fleeing deadly beasts to use on a quest. Definitely go off by yourself. Can't see that going wrong. Cliff girl takes the hint and moves on and Hollister goes back to sleep. I'm certain this was a vital scene cut to not married dude who's also not sleeping. Is anyone freaking sleeping? Anyway he's decided to check on his injured leg which only hurts him when he's looking at it. Since cliff girl kind of Hollister she's decided to settle now for the available not married dude. They have a very important conversation. Do you think we'll ever go back? No. We then cut to Hollister who can't sleep after all probably because he's coughing up bats. Hate when that happens. Oh just kidding it was a dream? Or was it? Hollister immediately knows who to blame. Did you do this? Not Galadriel doesn't even bother to reply. But not Galadriel does want to know what all of them saw in their dreams and is super mad that they didn't tell her much sooner. I mean they just woke up so I feel like that is immediately but dreams have power more than you know. Okay how about you tell us then. Time to go. Where are we going? Why should we trust you? I don't want to go to the white tower and turn into a sim. Okay go home. As if you'd let me. I digaff. Okay so it is really late for Hollister to be questioning her like as I said before like okay you went on the quest already like dude it's too late. You've committed. But also isn't like figuring out which one of them is the 2.0? Isn't that like super important? Isn't that like all like not Galadriel's like whole deal and is like important for like the world? So if you just like let him go and you're like you don't care if he leaves like isn't that like a big problem for your quest? That okay sure. The brat wants answers. You won't give him answers so he can fuck off. Anyway Cliff girl is not amused by Hollister and Hollister reacts very maturely to this. Do you think she's any better than what's chasing us? Says the dude whose dad almost got mauled my obesity and only survived because she healed him. Those monsters killed not Mary dude's wife. Um yeah that's definitely what happened. If I were her I would leave you behind too. You already did. Anyway gambler talks Hollister down. They finally start saddling their horses even though not Galadriel rode off like ages ago. Presumably she's just gonna have to wait for them to catch up so she could have spent that time just answering their questions but nah. Riding off only to have to sit there and wait for them to catch up is definitely much better use of her time. But then they run into the fantasy gay gay gay dun dun dun simp gets very territorial when the bad dude gets real handsy with not Galadriel and very wisely antagonizes him. The kkk guy checks out her wound and is like we hate the magic ladies but only they can heal you so go find one of those and not Galadriel's like yep we'll do and then the kkk rides off sinisterly. I mean that's it that's all you're gonna say about this stupid scene I mean it's been established that they are burning ice die. Burning what? The magic ladies. Lana come on keep up. They're burning these at the stake and then all of a sudden we have this character who's like but if you want to get healing you should go seek out the people we hate. Like sure that character in the book's a little less zealous than the others but this still doesn't make sense say more. Urr that's so stupid. Urr it makes no sense. Ah we hate it. Better? I do feel better thank you. Cliff girl is like hey you lied I thought you guys couldn't do that huh gotcha and not Galadriel's like what I said was the truth from a certain point of view and then Gambler randomly starts singing and then everyone starts singing and then not Galadriel is like oh this song conveniently provides an excellent opportunity for exposition story time. Lady they have asked you so many questions and you won't answer any of them but now we're gonna get a history lesson about an old song that the villagers happen to start singing. Great. Then we have to pause for a cliff top photo shoot. Everyone pick a good spot no two should have the same pose okay nailed it. Then we spend some time with Hollister and Cliff Top for sharing their feels much sad very angst but not married dude's leg is getting much worse. So bad in fact that a whole pack of wolves is attracted to the smell of it. Rutt row but not married dude doesn't do anything. The wolf like licks his leg a bit and then runs off. Not married dude is like huh that was weird. They camp for the night but then actual uh oh Voldy found them very courteous of him to screech so that they would know that he was near. Nacoladriel is not doing too good so they got to take turns carrying her so they're they're riding riding riding and then they hit a wall with a big crack in it and the horses stop. They will not move forward and then the beasties stop and won't move forward and the simp is like they won't follow us inside which is I guess what the horses needed to hear because after he says that their horses have no problem moving forward smart horses. They make their way into this ruined city that is totally deserted and suddenly not married dude is feeling quite talkative helpfully pointing out that there's no birds no bugs wonderful just what we needed. Luckily this abandoned city provides an excellent opportunity for simp to pick up where Nacoladriel left off on the whole exposition history lesson because you guessed it this city is a big part of the story from that song. The TLDR is that the people in this city didn't answer when Gondor called for aid so evilness killed them. They are told that the city is dangerous that they should touch nothing and to only eat the food that they brought. So naturally Hollister wanders off so that he and cliff girl can have a nice photo op on their rooftop then gambler wanders off and touches a bunch of stuff. He finds this super sus looking dagger that makes the horses freak out. One of the horses literally turns into dust in front of them and our heroes don't really react to that. I mean like they seem worried but if a horse turned to dust in front of me I think I would be more than worried. Nacoladriel finally wakes up and is like where are we? Everyone splits up of course as they are chased by shadows then cliff girl finally utilizes those awesome cliff diving skills that she picked up from her hazing as she and not married dude dive from what looks like a thousand feet up into an extremely shallow bit of water but they're fine don't worry about it. Simp gets Nacoladriel out of the city and then is immediately ambushed by mean girl is alive. Just want to say you'd know this if you read the book because she doesn't pretend die in the book. So three a place of safety we open with a flashback. Mean girl is getting dragged off by a beastie. Everyone else is getting mauled on the spot but I guess her beastie prefers to eat in private which you know fair enough but he wanders off from her to an apparently injured beastie. Aw he's worried about his oh oh he starts mauling his friend. Okay so mean girl is just lying there defenseless but beastie is mauling another beastie which would seem to suggest that the beastie prefers to maul another beastie to mauling humans. Mean girl runs away while beastie is feasting which upsets beastie. Dude you had the chance to maul her and didn't this is on you. Mean girl hides from the beastie in water. I hope she was aware that they're afraid of water because otherwise that seems like a very dumb thing to do but then beastie gets in the water no problem so I'm not sure how getting in the water helped her but she somehow overpowers him so yay. And if I hadn't known from the previous episode that she's definitely alive I bet that scene would have been really tense. Okay but so back to the present. Mean girl demands to know why not Galadriel left the heroes and simp is like um she is unconscious. Mean girl immediately tries to kill simp but simp seems into it and we cut to Hollister and gambler in a field of rocks where Hollister is just standing and shouting the names of their friends gambler's like bruh that is not helping you need to cut that out. Gambler wants to go home but suddenly Hollister is all about not Galadriel's plan to go to the girl power headquarters because cliff girl wanted to go there and he wants to be with cliff girl so yeah. Speaking of cliff girl she and not merry dude are trekking across the barren land possibly pursued by wolves. Not merry dude tries to build a fire I think to keep the wolves away. He sucks at it though so cliff girl uses the mojo that she learned from not Galadriel to get it started and cliff girl wants to go back for Hollister but not merry dude is like hey don't worry about Hollister he'll find us snuggle up with me instead. Meanwhile it's the next morning and simp has tied Mean girl to a tree. Simp is like are you ready to heal not Galadriel and Mean girl is like if I help her she better answer my questions. Are you really in a position to be making demands? It's not a demand it's a threat. Okay so first of all demand threat what's the difference? Second I mean yeah she has leverage which is what one needs in order to make demands or threats but third simp can't actually guarantee that not Galadriel will answer Mean girl's questions so like he can promise she'll do the Highland Reel and not Galadriel is not bound to anything that he promised on her behalf so like what are we even talking about? But I guess they come to an arrangement because Mean girl then goes about taking her sweet time collecting some special flowers and pauses dramatically because simp is watching her collect said flowers. I thought the situation with not Galadriel was like urgent but you know by all means don't rush. Mean girl carefully trims some bark from a tree that looks like all the other trees. I know you want to ask so ask and then simp asks. I didn't say I'd answer though. Mean girl's like crushing the stuff that she collected ready to like put it on the wound but then she suddenly pauses because she's suddenly worried that simp will feel the pain when she starts putting it on the wound because of the bond that simps share with their ladies. I really don't know if she's the one to be delivering this little bit of exposition because I do not buy that she gives a single shit about him feeling the pain. Okay so then we cut back to not Mary dude who's having a nightmare about that wife that he killed but she's getting eaten by his wolf pals in his dream. Then he wakes up to find those same wolves are pursuing them but they easily outrun them and then when the wolves catch up to them they politely wait so that our heroes can run away again. Meanwhile Hollister and Gambler are trunking along. Gambler's like dude I'm freezing can I wear your coat for a bit? Someday people will tell stories about us which is not relevant but okay asshole they come upon a town that has a body in a cage hanging outside of it and they're like damn that's rough. These guys are really unflappable first the horse turns to dust now bodies and cages just all in a day for them I guess and of course they had straight for the pub get hype because the glee man is about to do another song. Oh wow okay that was way over hyped this guy um sucks is he trying to do a Batman impression? Is there really no one in town that can do better? Okay well no one clapped but they are handing him money the glee man is like well if you think you can do better sir you are way too overconfident for someone who just growled their way through what I think was supposed to be a melody and then he robs gambler what a guy truly a treasure. He actually is a treasure in the books he's like actually exciting and he wears colorful clothes and sings happy songs and tells cool stories and juggles and does tricks and he's protective over the boys and wants to help them because he thinks they're mean while the wolves are still keeping a respectful distance from not merry dude and cliff girl they stumble on some tracks and cliff girl is like the wolves led us here which is definitely the conclusion that anyone would draw from these circumstances. Meanwhile gambler and holster are now without money so they have to work for their supper only gambler is not into it holster is surprised that gambler has such a poor attitude about this because that's so different from how he's been acting this entire time. Yeah it's almost like the show didn't understand character development and just made Matt who gambler which okay in fairness of all of your names this is weirdly okay when you consider the rest of the books but anyway gambler they made him a thief from the beginning instead of showing him just to be kind of like a stupid teenage boy who played practical jokes they made him too dark so now you don't see any difference and there's no development. Anyway gambler decides to drop some truth like how their friends are probably all dead and if they're not who cares holster's girl doesn't even want him unclear if holster is upset by this barkeep who says she's overworked trusts gambler to serve and collect money from patrons of the tavern and then spend time chatting with him. Barkeep was born and raised and is predicting she will die in the same town that she's bartending in but for some reason her accent is different from every other person in the town which is a neat trick. Meanwhile mean girl's cure for not-gladriel seems to be doing jack squat for her so simp rides off urgently to somewhere. Meanwhile not married dude and cliff are having a heart to heart he's being protective and for some reason cliff conveniently chooses to say it's not your fault what happened. I mean i'm not sure why she would think that he thought that it was he says that it is she says that it's not fantastic dialogue 10 out of 10 and they keep going until they run into some very wacky looking folks and then they like teach them some dialogue to say back at them something about a song clubhouse password type stuff and since they say the lines without having any idea what they mean they get welcomed into the group great system no notes meanwhile holister has split a whole mess of wood without breaking a sweat just very impressive barkeep gives them a room and drink and flirts she has really changed her tune meanwhile simp gazes out at the land from a vista point very urgently not gladriel's not doing great but simp says he's found what they are looking for whatever that is meanwhile gamblers decided to rob a corpse but is caught by batman you see this corpse is here for exposition dead guy in the cage has red hair and apparently that means he's from a special place where dangerous folks come from so this town killed him out of fear why batman cares unclear anyway holister is at that same time flirting with barkeep having a deep conversation about sightseeing and free will but then barkeep reveals that she's evil but she needs gambler too who is busy burying the body from the cage with batman barkeep has holister good and trapped and she tells us that the door of the room therein is made of super duper strong stuff that even three men together couldn't break it down but then the red-haired holister breaks it down they run away but then she corners them in the middle of the town by herself they are too against her but okay they all pause so that she can tell them about her dreams and her big plan to deliver them to the uber for realsies baddie but then batman saves them meanwhile simp and mean girl bring not gladriel to the girl bosses who show off the dude that they captured in the beginning in the in the first episode remember that guy um who stares at them evilly so for the dragon reborn we get a zero context battle opener the evilly staring dude who's possibly the 2.0 from the previous episode is ominously smiling and using his mojo and then some dude says that he sent word to the girl bosses and they're gonna come for this guy but this possible 2.0 seems pretty schizo but then instead of killing this dude that is told on him he heals him anyway back to the present sim and co are with the girl bosses where not gladriel is getting patched up the girl bosses brief not gladriel on the situation with this possible 2.0 they seem miffed that they can't just kill the guy or strip him of his mojo or whatever it is they want to do to him because they have to give him due process per the head girl boss simp then finds a fellow simp to train with while their girl bosses wrap up their business this new simp and his lady are worried that this other girl boss the red one is gonna kill the guy or whatever why this is worrisome when he seems like a clear and present danger is unclear meanwhile cliff and not married dude are still with the rainbow caravan moving along meanwhile holister and gambler are traveling with batman holister and gambler very inconspicuously stop their horses to talk about batman and after apparently hours they decide to finally talk about the lady that attacked them in the village and she said that there were five possible people who could be the 2.0 who is the fit meanwhile not gladriel is gossiping in a conveniently expository way with one of the other girl bosses and during this expository dialogue we learn that the different colors of their outfits mean things oh here we go again look i've been wanting to discuss this for a while yeah i'm so glad you brought this up because the isidae do have rings but they don't have the color of their aja on them they're just a serpent eating its tail like yes they do have all different ajas but they don't just go around advertising that all the time they're not out and about and color-coded outfits but if they aren't color-coded how are we supposed to know it's hopeless anyway where was i mean girl pouting on a rock is approached by red and she is hostile as usual meanwhile holister and gambler and batman are ambushed by one dude which is an excellent opportunity for holister to show off how smart he is if you meant to kill us you'd hold that arrow with your fingertips not your fist and if i meant to kill you i'd have kept my mouth shut ah shucks you got me and then he immediately reveals his wife and child who are totes cool with these three strangers staying with them meanwhile red is still trying to win over mean girl but simba's jealous and cuts in we learn vital information here that we didn't already know such as the fact that they are heading for the headquarters of the girl bosses the white tower and that their friends might be there and that if they're not there they can get help finding them meanwhile cliff and wifeless are traveling with the rainbow caravan and are horrifying to learn that they are pacifists their argument is have you ever picked up a weapon and has your life been better or worse since then most would probably answer that they wouldn't be freaking alive if they hadn't picked up a weapon luckily they make this argument to wifeless who's about the only person who might find this persuasive oh not again it's actually not very persuasive to parent in the books because he didn't have a wife to kill and said he's like lol you'll probably get destroyed no thanks anyway meanwhile holister and gambler are mucking out the stables while batman supervises gambler sneaks off to puke up some evilness but he's interrupted by the kid giving him a whole ass loaf of bread very generous he asks her name but she says her mom said not to tell them because they might be dangerous your kid god they're alone to bring these strangers some bread that's definitely safe to do but whatever you do don't tell them your name batman reminisces about his nephew who went crazy and conveniently the exact same way the gambler seems to be though i gotta say gambler hasn't been acting any different around holster than usual if you ask me yes exactly read the book again you'll find out as i was saying anyway back to batman's nephew who picked up a steak knife to slit his own throat listen i know this is a fantasy world so you can't really like say it's anachronistic but steak knives were invented after world war two so like i don't know why we couldn't have gone with like the much less glaringly seemingly anachronistic option like a danger meanwhile girl boss squad is still guarding this possible 2.0 while the simps drink around a fire mean girl cracks a smile for the first time until she remembers they work for the girl bosses who she hates simp goes to find knuckle adriel that dude is too old to be 2.0 uber bat he probably doesn't even know who 2.0 is either damn can't believe our one job was finding those kids and then we lost them i lost them we lost them i shouldn't have had a drink my drinking makes you emotional because you know simpson girl bosses are bonded so like it affects you just just want to remind everybody of that piece of world building meanwhile the rainbow caravan is having a little old dance party cliff requests some exposition and the rainbow caravan member of the lodges something about a lost song that'll heal the world blah blah blah head caravan lady preaches some more pacifism at wifeless cliff stares absently into the middle distance caravan cutie is like who is he the man that holds your heart i need to try that next time someone's just staring off into space just assume they are pining and run with it caravan cutie tells us about the rainbow caravan rum springa i'm just kind of wondering how people coming back from rum springa are able to find the notably traveling caravan meanwhile holister wakes up and decides to talk to the probably sleeping gambler and tell him i'm here thanks bra trying to sleep but thanks then we cut to a dream sequence and then holister wakes up gambler is gone it seems like he's killed the whole family but then they discover a ring wraith so did gambler kill them or was the wraith unclear this made me really angry oh this made you angry matt wouldn't kill anyone but technically in the show his dagger doesn't have any blood on it so i'll give them this one it's just oh no how are they gonna escape but it's actually super easy barely an inconvenience meanwhile red is getting frustrated with having to guard 2.0 instead of killing him and is proposing they orchestrate like a little a loophole situation but the other one is not going for it one nerd simp is um meditating by a rock explains his his cultural history to mean girl who's suddenly super interested instead of hostile not to be outdone mean girl decides to show off that she has her own cultural customs but it turns out it's just some nonsense that she heard as a kid and she doesn't actually know what it means you know what that means that's right exposition time and wouldn't you know it the words she was just saying are tied to that same story that they learned about from that song that they were randomly singing and the evil city that they happened upon it's crazy how they know nothing about this story when it's apparently tied to like everything they see and do anyway sharing this little bit of exposition really seems to endear him to mean girl who's like you know you shouldn't judge a book by its cover but then attack 2.0 is biding his time i guess because suddenly boom girl bosses go flying arrows raining down the strategy appears to be run randomly around the forest attacking the army one by one whilst leaving 2.0 mostly unguarded oh shoot not Galadriel sneaks in to have a one-on-one with 2.0 who doesn't immediately attack her which is very courteous he's like i am for sure the 2.0 new and improved halal you're not though bro girl power unite oh no that woman that talked to not galadriel for like a minute earlier is dead huge dramatic devastation slow motion cam look i i know i shouldn't be interrupting this really sad moving moment let me guess this death is like super impactful in the book and we should all be crying over this tragic she's not in the books so cares oh all right anyway second simp then makes the terrible decision to attack 2.0 with some axes which 2.0 then immediately shatters and then shoots at all of the other people including simp prime but don't worry even though everyone is bleeding out mean girl shows up and mass heals everybody i was definitely worried there you don't have anything else to say over this mass display of power over someone she's been mostly hostile to like nine eves real who head mean girls real story is that her power broke when eggwaint cliff when cliff was really young with a fever that wouldn't break and she was dying and head mean girl loved cliff so much that she broke her power together girl bosses assemble 2.0 is the goner meaningful close-up on mean girl so five blood calls don't even get me started on this episode oh you better buckle up we're gonna have a ride from here on out are you done can we get on to the episode now i'm done i'm not done a bunch of people we didn't know and didn't care about died very sad we mourn our ip whole month passes presumably uneventful a whole month oh boy in this climate couldn't they at least have given us a hint that they've been struggling or running for their lives or something not galadriel and co are arriving at headquarters holistering gambler who is looking more and more hot topic are also arriving at headquarters gambler seems to think he killed the family but holisters like nabra no way mean girls back to being mean and arrogant not galadriel's like oh you scared they're there you're super now just accept it meanwhile wifeless and cliff are still traveling with the rainbow caravan who are also arriving at headquarters but then rut row they run into the kkk look does it really make sense that the white cloaks who okay liana don't play dumb there are men and cloaks i think you can figure out this one does it really make sense that the white cloaks are just camping outside of the white tower where the isidae have the center of their power and are very like would definitely not let them just camp outside where they are are you calling the girl boss is dumb i'm not calling the isidae dumb i'm calling the showrunners dumb anyway the cloaks of white wearers yep i mean technically it's closer than what you were calling them before so carry on they want cliff and wifeless but rainbow caravan is like no way you can't have them if you want them you'll have to come through us and then the pacifists peacefully linked arms and the cloaks of white wearers immediately attack them and then capture the escaping cliff and wifeless so i guess that proved the wisdom of the pacifist life huh meanwhile holister gets ambushed by hagrid while he's in the bookstore and he is bursting with exposition this is important exposition i'm sure it look it's still not technically done the way i'd like it to be done but well holister doesn't have time for that he's got to get after gambler there's a parade to show off this 2.0 that they captured and defeated basically to gloat gambler starts freaking out holister helpfully agrees to kill him if he ever goes nuts gambler then agrees to do the same for holister so that's comforting meanwhile the simps have a sad chat about simp life and losing their girl bosses no no orders are supposed to go mad when their isidae is killed they they're mad with revenge they want to go and stop it at nothing until they destroy the person who destroyed their isidae and like loganes right there in the tower he's right there yeesh meanwhile cliff is stripped scrubbed and dressed by the cloaks of white wearers fine cliff is stripped scrubbed and dressed by the kkk happy now i'm not happy i've never been happy what part of this makes you think that i am happy was any of this wifeless is bound and gagged cliff tells chief man that she can't use mojo he doesn't believe her and threatens wifeless but cliff insists she can't use mojo so chief kkk dude starts cutting wifeless and then his eyes wolf out okay so chief's main deal is killing mojo users and he tells them he's not a man of his word but he says he's gonna make him a deal if she uses her mojo she dies but wifeless gets to live or if she doesn't use her mojo then she lives and wifeless dies so like he's obviously gonna kill them both but sure let's let's take this proposition completely seriously meanwhile back at headquarters mean girl's visited by second simp a character we all deeply care about and definitely want to keep tabs on he's looking for ye oldie ambien to go with his whiskey mean girl decides to leave her room gasp and wander around red immediately finds her like was she like watching her door like damn that was fast we get some more lovely exposition red and apparently all reds don't have simps because they hate all men no it's because of men's connection to the source and how their one power is corrupted it gives it a very different under meanwhile holster while watching over gambler is once again visited by Hagrid who brings mean girl to him she checks on gambler who naturally flips out holster shares that he thinks gambler might be the 2.0 they're looking for but they can't trust not collateral so look rant don't you dare holster would never think that matt gambler is the dragon reborn at this point for reasons you're gonna find out later i mean it's kind of spoilery but no spoilers missy zip it anyway naturally mean girl agrees that they cannot trust not collateral no need for girl bosses here mean girl then suddenly switches topics and tells holster about when cliff was little and girl bossed her way through a fever girl did not boss babe her way through a fever um i think she did no ninae's head mean girl helped cliff boss her way through the fever that's the whole point meanwhile wifeless tells cliff about killing his wife so obviously he should be the one to die for the kkk but chief man comes back and starts cutting again and wifeless starts wolfing out again while cliff decides to start using her mojo to save him chief is delighted until her mojo sets wifeless free and guess who joined them is whole pack of wolf pals oh so like is this this wolf thing confusing to you because like by this point in the book you would know while the wolves were there you would know do you are you curious about like what's going on at all okay i know i said no spoilers but what what is it what don't we know well i'll just leave you to it you know you could just just read the book you could just mean to baby meanwhile not galadriel is cornered by red who's decided to tell not galadriel that mean girl is a shoe-in to join the red team why it helps her to tell not galadriel any of this unclear it's unclear because she'd never say it so simp and second simp chat about their feelings not galadriel goes to chat with a fellow girl boss they're both super worried about second simp as are we the audience of course very very concerned about that guy but there's trouble brewing red and chief girl boss are bad news and they hate not galadriel everybody wants to know what not galadriel is up to but she just smiles smugly yeah i bet you do second simp is still moping discusses polyamory with simp prime he teases simp prime about mean girl all very important for the plot vital we include this then dawn breaks and simp prime realizes that he's been drugged by second simp just no no oh boy land would never get drugged he's extremely competent at his job and he has been with moraine for ages he would never let his guard down like that he'd never be even in the situation to let his guard down to be doing that this whole scene makes and a knife is missing from the very conspicuous mantle display gasp second simp deleted himself he wouldn't delete himself i mean he would die getting revenge and going down with 2.0 i mean low gain he's right there strange funeral surprising amount of chest thumping and screaming land canonically is extremely stoic that's a huge part of his character is that he doesn't express emotion so this scene doesn't make a lot of sense i don't understand why they didn't make more use of a very show established connection between isidae and water they could have shown moraine sobbing and uncontrollable and give the implication that that's how land was feeling inside and all over a character that i mean but i cannot stress this enough we have zero reason to care about so it's six the flame of tar valon we open with a flashback some mystery girl uses mojo to unravel a knot in a fishnet their house gets burned down because of bigotry against mojo i think the dad preps a boat to send the girl to headquarters she wants him to come with her but he's like sorry no can do best of luck kiddo see you never mystery girl seems pretty chill about the whole thing back to the present day the technicolor dream team has assembled because chief girl boss is in the super cgi house fake 2.0 is brought before her so that he can remember about how much smack everybody talks about her he's like lady everybody hates you just fyi chief girl boss is like oh you want death sucks fake 2.0 is very unhappy about this chief girl boss wants to know why fake 2.0 got demo jode before he was brought before her to which red says both we had no choice he was the most powerful man i've ever seen and also he's lucky to be alive feel like those two statements contradict each other chief girl boss is like i don't care you did bad it's your fault you'll be punished red is super not happy so she decides to bring up mean girl and chief girl boss is like yes and red goes off about not galadriel being bad at her job and chief girl boss going easy on her because they're both blues who we just learned work as spies i think nah oh by all means do explain i mean the blues are all concerned with like justice and causes and into saving the world that's like really their mission and yes technically they do have the largest network which i guess is kind of like spies but it's not really it's different there's a difference totally so anyway chief girl boss is like fine not galadriel explain not galadriel is like nope chief girl boss is like uh excuse me did i stutter oh hell no you better beg me for forgiveness we cut then to not galadriel having some teary eyed tea but then simp shows up to take her to see gambler not galadriel performs a quick exorcism and just like that gambler is okey dokey i don't know what to think about this scene because like maybe it's just a fake out but matt doesn't get healed to the end of book two and it is a huge ordeal like moraine and other isidae have to keep trying to like sort of heal him until they can get him to the white tower and then it is like multiple isidae trying to heal him he almost dies getting healed and then there's a whole like reversal of how gambler is okey dokey mean girl comes back and is like what the fuck are you doing here and not galadriel is like um saving your friend even though you were too stupid and too stubborn to tell me about this if wisdom is the title you claim i suggest you start using some oh snap we then cut to not galadriel having a steam bath with another blue whose soup's mad that a green and a blue defended of red guess girl bosses don't like bipartisanship then we cut to not galadriel being taken to see wifeless and cliff who have arrived for some reason not galadriel tells her that she has people watching the holister and gambler instead of just telling them that that they're here and they're fine is this really not count as a lie okay this one isn't as great i would say but technically she did have people watching for their arrival so it's not technically a lie even though it's at like a different point in time so like she could get away with it why would you have people watching for their arrival when they have very much arrived and you know it isidae are allowed to lie by anyway cliff tells not galadriel about wifeless wolfing out and she's like oh shit tell no one and cliff is like oh man why not galadriel says something vaguely ominous all of this is very vague right now in an attempt to keep the mystery of who the dragon reborn is alive which is salt in the book by just not making it a mystery at all not a mystery oopsie spoiler sorry anyway cut to not galadriel getting confronted by simp who's mad she turned off her geolocation on their bond why did she turn off geolocation booty call oh not a booty call that uses traveling just a lost weave in the third age a what lost in a win it's just such a throwaway scene when traveling is like such a big deal in the book and rediscovering okay well moving on from that not galadriel and chief girl boss it turns out are in cahoots not galadriel wants to tell everybody what they're trying to do what that is still unclear but chief girl boss is like um if everyone found out what we're trying to do then we would be in mega trouble and not galadriel's like duh i know that but so why did she suggest telling everybody apparently uber baddie is at the eye of the world so chief girl boss wants to send all possible 2.0s to get him but not galadriel is like no we can't because the ones that go that aren't the real one are gonna die but like if the uber baddie isn't defeated then everybody's gonna die so like okay harsh but like four lives versus everyone like you know you're right awesome well in the context of the show dang it because it's not true in the book the four won't die if they go there so cut to red who's decided to once again tell not galadriel about all the cards she holds she knows all about the kids from the village and instead of keeping that useful information to herself and biding her time to see when it might come in useful she just brags about knowing it to not galadriel but then not galadriel's like well i know about your boyfriend so zip it then not galadriel and simp meet with hagrid for a hot second then cliff and mean girl get reunited aww chief girl boss wants a meeting with both mean girl and cliff mean girl pleasant as always is like well she can wait but they're forced to go to the meeting chief girl boss is a very complimentary to mean girl so naturally mean girl is like screw you chief girl boss tells them that they have a grand destiny mean girl is like screw that chief girl boss finally loses patience and is like well what you want doesn't actually matter how about that and we cut to not galadriel staring dramatically at the view below she and simp talk cryptically about some plan they're ready for not galadriel goes before chief girl boss to get her punishment the exile that she requested she's got a mojo swear to stick to her exile and this takes quite a while and is very dramatic one might say melodramatic this is so melodramatic you would not use the oath rod for something like this and moraine the not galadriel dramatically arwen style rides through the forest to the pre-arranged rendezvous with the village peeps cryptic plan is a go but first exposition time they're gonna travel the ways to get to the eye where the dark one is so the ways are i don't know why i'm surprised this place that were created by the male icedi to help the ogir travel safely from steadying to steadying in your language steadings are kind of like mini shires they're like safe place for the ogir but so yeah totally anyway so they're traveling through the ways yeah that and the stakes are the end of the world so no pressure guys and everybody decides to go on the scary dark magic path except gambler who's like nah i'm good the only sane choice really so seven the dark along the ways we open with another flashback snow battle woman running woman is in labor cute dramatic child but what what she's fighting very courteous of the dudes to attack her one at a time also courteous of her contractions to wait for pauses in the fighting to hit oh shit dude stabbed her in the belly rip baby and then we crawl over to a rock so we can adopt the least effective pose for childbirth well she and the baby are definitely daughters not sure why we had to see that irrelevant how dare you call this scene irrelevant it's my favorite scene in the whole show it's the one that's probably the most lore accurate and the most exciting i mean yes it would have been really nice if her veil was up the whole time because that's kind of not lore accurate but this scene is so great how dare you scene back to the present picking up where we left off in the previous episode everyone is screaming that gambler has been left behind knuckle agile is pretty chill about it considering that he might be the 2.0 that they need and this whole quest will be for nothing if it turns out that he is but she's like he made his choice look she's way more concerned to where everyone is in the books but not like you deserve to know that but she does hollister is exhibiting his trademark brilliance or did you make it for him i mean she literally did nothing the dude just didn't go through with y'all to the dark scary path but by all means blame someone else you know the darkness in him do you really think he's ready for what lies ahead um again don't you need him and if not why were you gonna make him come anyway holster might be on to something that is pretty sus but luckily we brought exposition Hagrid along so he begins to tell us about the icky spooky things in the dark no opening the gates from the inside no using mojo in here because the bad things will find you question how are you ever going to get out again anyway holster is still on we can't leave gambler he left us you don't actually believe that do you holster i know he was your friend but like this isn't a complicated situation not a lot of great here your friend ditched you sim finally says what we are all thinking um boss what if gambler was you know the one well that would be bad because he's bad okay but you wanted him along originally what was your plan if he had come and was the one i'm starting to think you shouldn't be in charge okay so our heroes make their way through the minds of more sorry wrong story they carry on through the ways while Hagrid continues to lift their spirits with ominous exposition simp corners mean girl i owe my boss three silvers you're scowling i bet on pouting okay if this is supposed to be flirtatious banter i recommend simp just stick with like the enigmatic silent type but if this was an actual bet i have questions three silvers seems like a lot and what were the terms of the bet i bet you three silvers that mean girl will at some point be pouting i bet you three silvers mean girl will be pouting right after we enter the ways i bet you three silvers the gambler will leave the group and that this will make mean girl pout and then nockladriel took the bet and said nah my dude she's gonna be scowling and if this is the case nockladriel clearly knows mean girl better than simp does because betting that mean girl is or will be scowling is a bet you can take to the bank okay so now wifeless demonstrates his super sight while being blinded by several torches he's able to see into the pitch darkness ahead and he immediately warns the group that up ahead he sees a rock thank goodness you're here wifeless because otherwise we would have come upon this rock slightly more slowly haggard needs time to read the rock so they know which way to go so far it seems like there's only been one path but i guess the path is forking here even though they don't know which way yet not gladriel tells us it's at least a day's journey to the gate they're going to the gate that they can't open without using mojo which they cannot use in the dark scary place well do you really want me to explain all of this or do you just want me to be like it was better and made more sense in the book and just let everybody move on for the love of fantasy let's move on holister wants to know how wifeless was able to see that rock i want to know why he thought it was important simp murmurs to not gladriel do you know what did that to the rock that was ahead of us there's something following us ah yes as we all know when someone or something is following you you are likely to see evidence of that ahead of you the heroes are sleeping simph is on watch but it is the sleeping cliff that notices a noise just before they are attacked but oh no she uses mojo on it and now they're in worser trouble haggard offers additional exposition regarding the badness on the dark path this danger that they're all getting ready to fight knock aladriel says we'll speak to you i'm waking in my boots our heroes run and within a couple of minutes the gate that was at least a day's journey is up ahead but oh no the bad voices caught up with them and they're saying bad things the negging it's it's too much for our heroes they can't take any more bullying but mean girl has had enough there is a tempest in her boom goes her mojo and the bad voices run away giving knock aladriel time to use her mojo to open the gate everybody using mojo in the place that you're not supposed to use it and they've reached tatooine knock aladriel says where they're going is a day's walk beyond the city but we've seen what her day's walk is so i'd say they're probably like a 15 minutes stroll but everyone is still super triggered by what they heard from the negging bully voices it's mashing shin or the black wind and in the book it is really scary because it like sucks out and destroys your soul and can absolutely kill you yes dear i'm sure it does as they approach mirin hagrid says to simp how long has it been since you last walked through this gate very important conversation vital to our understanding then the hosts say to simp welcome home so confirmed he has been here before that was really on tender hooks there host says to knock aladriel why are you here we're here let me guess oh sorry that was my turn to talk my bad i'll let you finish i bet my sister snitched well we got this so bye bye oh i digaff you do you oh my bad in that case feel free to hang you couldn't quite cut it as a girl boss but are you still dtf maybe tell the girl bosses they got to find this dude i lost and our heroes are walking through town no hurry not like there's some police that they need to get to cliff says to hollister who is looking mopey are you still sad because of the wind bullies no maybe whatever then wifeless recognizes a peddler which is a kind of person that is known to travel from place to place and is stunned mean girlish tourism it couldn't be him he was in our town on the night when many but not all people died therefore we know for certain that he is 100 dead cut to them all at a tavern wifeless preaches pacifism to hollister hollister is horrified he's like no barbecue like at all that's a real quick no mean girl notices that knock aladriel has gone to the bar at a tavern and finds this suspicious but of course she's right to be suspicious because not galadriel is asking barkeep to give her a vibe check on our heroes we learned that wifeless gets yellow eyes sometimes something we did not know we learned that hollister may or may not have or hold a baby at some point and that the girls both of them um there's like lights and gold stuff so cool the vibe check on not galadriel is that her girlfriend is her doom yikes meantime back at the castle uh not galadriel tells them that they leave in the morning they want to know about barkeep not galadriel tells them that she and barkeep they go way back but mean girl says nah you're lying not galadriel reminds them that she can't freaking lie but boy oh boy she wishes she could not a suss thing at all to say not galadriel decides that this is the time to tell them that where they're going whoever isn't the actual 2.0 is going to 100 die tomorrow i will take all of you to the eye knowing that three of you will not return are you asking us to feel bad for you because like you know no one's gonna agree to go now right wifeless points out that it might be none of them because you know it could be gambler who they left behind genuinely excellent point well done not galadriel gas lights them it's easy to use doubt as a crutch lady if you want them all to risk their necks when all of them might die for literally nothing probably don't tell them and if you do tell them about it don't be surprised when they don't take it well doubt is the first step towards surrender to the dark okay yoda i didn't choose this path anymore than you did but i will follow it because i must uh you're not facing near certain death though mean girl's like uh yeah we need to talk this over not glad you're like cool let me know what you all decide still gotta leave in the morning not a problem at all that the one that is 2.0 just might not be one of them cliff is all in she tells mean girl you just hate the suicide mission because you hate not galadriel get over it already hollister very helpfully adds i can't lose anyone in this room wifeless is like guys hello it might be none of us like what if it's gambler who isn't here cliff is like as if hollister does not take this well you said what that's my boy you're talking about um he ditched us so you'd know all about ditching brah mean girl comes in boys boys boys stop it i'm so sick of you guys fighting over her even though you've literally never fought over her before and aren't actually fighting over her now i'm just so sick of it huh now that you've said that i fully believe it's true how did i never see this thing that isn't happening until you made it up i've been so blind i loved my wife oh whoops did i just start some drama my bad the show is bad it's it's the show is bad this love triangle does not exist in the books and i just will absolutely not stand for the c w shes cut to simp and not galadriel they'll come willingly you've given them the option not to so yeah i'd say that's guaranteed they'll come you good yeah just thinking about when you and me got together about how you're obsessed with me and how that's not healthy for you i had nothing to live for and nothing to die for yeah that's kind of the problem oh that's so sweet okay go say bye forever to your family and we cut to simp wandering the town at night hugging some people we've never seen before mean girl is creepily stalking him simp senses he's being stalked and invites her in some grandpa is like nice dude she's hot ew we have this an awkward family meal mean girl tries to eat but gramps grabs her hand thank you for bringing them home and keeping him safe that is quite a leap like i don't know what gave you the idea that she isn't anyway responsible for him for his safety but okay simp is um shown to be good with a child mean girl swims several minutes of staring several minutes of silent undressing more creepy invasion of simp's privacy by mean girl more staring and finally kiss then we cut to hollister doing some late night archery he kind of sucks cliff joins him um i was ghosting you but then you didn't like notice so now i'm telling you that i was ghosting you yeah i figured you'd give up eventually okay okay my bad i'm sorry i know there's nothing between you and wife list uh duh that's like so not the point i can't believe you think i don't care about that guy that definitely ditched us uh i i was just in my feelings about it still am tv h i can't lose you uh don't be sad not glad real is wrong none of us is going to die on the suicide mission okay but also forget the mission you need to go to headquarters and study to be a girl boss i can't go without you ah don't you know i already simp for you let's make it official they finally kiss then we cut to simp and mean girl mean girl is getting dressed already you're leaving that old dude he called you something weird oh it just means future king no big deal who is he though oh my whole family was massacred he saved me oh okay it's all making sense i i totally get the simp thing now well fine i guess i get the chasing after kids now so there then we cut to hollister and cliff again with a flashback to the night of the village attack hollister actually got some super important exposition from his dad that he has kept from us this whole time rude oh look who can shoot straight now the wind police told him he's 2.0 which makes it true time to talk to barkey what a coinky dink she met hollister's dad once turns out battle birth warrior princess was hollister's mom who saw that coming we cut to the next morning cliff finds mean girl's room empty bed not slept in ooh mean girl says to cliff so about that drama i started yesterday for no reason my bad drama enters the chat mean girl is like so fam are we doing this suicide thing or not heck yeah yup for fuck's sake then they notice hollister is missing cut to hollister knocking cut to mean girl opens the door to simp cut to not gladriel opens a different door to hollister wow what a misdirect very clap much wow it's me at the door yeah pal she can see that oh you mean near 2.0 we cut back to simp telling mean girl that not gladriel has turned off her geolocation again rut roe then we cut to not gladriel and hollister and they are about to enter the forbidden forest done done done someone's gotten awful quiet yes well i think i've made my point clear so eight the eye of the world we open with a mega flashback 3 000 years ago some fancy people talking gibberish girl bosses won't do what the boss man wants baby cries it's too risky that's why i need your help lol no but we'll clean up your mess when you fail the fate of the world decided in a nursery okay drama queen whatever do you and now i will use your full name and title so the audience understands what the point of this flashback was oh yes right and you full name and title as i always address you baby cries some more then we cut to a view of the city Wakanda what what a twist then back to the present did you hear that weird anyway back to the forbidden forest not gladriel and hollister touching everything breathing in shroom spores from corpses not gladrials like don't touch anything here a thing that is definitely possible and we cut to cliff who was crying wife list is like listen ain't shit we can do but i love him same we good well most definitely back to not gladriel and hollister touching everything so do you want to talk about your feelings well though stuff your face with this and quit bothering me back to simp and mean girl simp is brooding is geolocation back online yet no so i have a confession you know how you thought i was following you originally yeah well actually i was following your boss she has a tail like an poker i can show you for real you are awesome but you sure you want to let me go alone you know what you know what i actually can't let this one go i can't let this one go you know what the scene makes absolutely no sense land has been moraine's water for 20 years it's literally a water's job to to find things to protect someone to look after someone and you're telling me neneath who has known moraine for like a month knows a tell that a professional ranger doesn't know no no it doesn't make any sense i don't understand uh huh okay yeah about us i'm not really looking for a long term thing right now oh so that's how it is well whoever you do end up with i hate him because i ain't him but also you're prettier when you smile so if he makes you smile then i guess he's all right by me back to holister who wakes up and knuckle adriel instantly dies patrick bateman's corpse is like didn't expect you bro holister fires an arrow into his fire eye and patrick bateman pushes the arrow in further his face gets swallowed by his eye oh cool he's just some guy now looks ready to sell you some life insurance he does like a romantic cheek stroke and holister finally realizes that he is dreaming insurance guy's like so what's the plan my dude you here to take me down while you end what army holister brandishes his sword very heroic we stan a sword with a bird on it dang where'd you get it from my daddy no even though i acted surprised at seeing the bird on your blade i actually know your entire backstory and can reveal to you that your real dad is dead and that guy you grew up with just raised you holister is shooketh okay real talk let me give you the tldr on being 2.0 how to wake myself from this dream i know and he stabs himself in the gut wouldn't be my first choice but that works i guess what did the uber baddie say in your dream i don't believe him what did he say i thought you had a plan brah what how does her wanting to know what the bad guy said mean that she doesn't have a plan well i brought this thingy it's a girl boss heirloom it's basically a cheat code okay but what do i do though you a job and then he smiles super creepily okay i'm gonna keep walking now and we cut back to mean girl and cliff listening to the wind they hear bad vibes then back to holister and not colladriel branches falling on them holister is like ma'am i demand exposition okay fine holister touches some more forest in order to sit down during her story so there was this girl boss who abused me when i was a kid dang that got real dark real quick so there you have it nothing to worry about yes i feel extremely reassured by the story thank you then back to the heroes who are visiting barkeep they want to know what she told holister but barkeep is getting real bad vibes from everybody and then alarm horn uh oh back to holister not colladriel trudging along they spot the army of beasties that's headed for our heroes back to marine where they've only just realized that there's an army headed their way good thing there's a teeny tiny wall blocking their path um that's not going to stop them i'ma head over there y'all got this and everyone leaves i guess they got this bruh i'm telling you that wall is not gonna do shit and we cut back to holister and not colladriel still trudging along they come upon a big hole hang on a second you said whoever went along and wasn't 2.0 would die does that mean you too okay no worries i'll take it from here i've got this but not colladriel ignores him and walks onward so brave then we cut to simp who's trudging through the forbidden forest coming after not colladriel then we cut to the host dude who's getting prepared for war hey so you know that armor that kept our dad alive and his dad alive and his dad's dad alive and his dad's dad's dad i don't care i'm wearing mine okay fine whatever but don't go to that teeny wall i'm telling you it's useless i know the wall is useless i have a plan i'm bringing my dudes to the useless wall so we can all die defending it and then you women can save the city without us our family has always used this foolproof plan okay well our family has never dealt with today's situation oh don't worry i know we're all definitely going to die today these are the end times nothing we can do but we'll try to die slow give our peeps some time to get out of here and warn the rest of the world about the end times okay well you can give up if you want but i'm not gonna add a girl then back to holster not colladriel in the dark hole cannot please have some more exposition sorry no can do i know nothing conveniently holster starts hallucinating exposition instead the scene changes to a pleasant looking cottage this is definitely real there is not a chance this is fake cliff is having a picnic with a kid outside holster holds the kid then the scene changes to not colladriel trying to wake up holster that was fake uber baddie uses his mojo on not colladriel then verbally explains what he's done to her in case the feeling of it isn't enough of a clue for her to figure out what he's done to her oh that was for us okay gotcha back to the host ladies prepping for war we need all the girl bosses any mojo user you can find definitely heard that right so weird cut to some randos attacking the floor under the throne of the host city cut to haggard telling nien girl and cliff that the city needs mojo users cut to the useless wall with all the dudes firing on the cgi beastie army cut to the girl bosses we've gathered standing between the city and the useless wall cut to wifeless being frustrated with pacifism haggard assures him there are ways other than violence what can we do we can us what we can do okay he literally just did that how is that an answer cut to holster and dreamland finally starting to get a little suspicious hey this seems too good to be true wasn't i on a mission to fight the uber baddie didn't she don't want me i've got it even though this whole hallucination is drawing on stuff from my mind i'll ask her something that only she and i know to test if she is real that'll definitely work she knew the answer dang this must be real not the sharpest knife in the drawer this ultimate savior then everything freezes oh snap it's fake after all insurance man is back with a fresh pitch hey man this isn't real yet but it could be and we cut back to irl where insurance man is villain monologuing not galadriel brings a knife to holster's throat oh snap she's not messing around not galadriel then starts hero monologuing only fair to tell people what you're planning to do so that they can better prepare to thwart you then back to the randos breaking the throne room floor gotta keep tabs on that haggard and wifeless discover them and decide to help yeah nothing about what they're doing seems suspicious at all then back to the dudes at the useless wall where they are doing a solid job of committing to certain deaths beastie appears at the window pulls a spear arm back to throw it hose dude just stands there doesn't move doesn't try to block it just takes it then back to holster in dreamland very confused insurance guy randomly does violence to fake cliff holster loses it insurance guy immediately fixes it and holster is like okay i'm in how do we make this happen then back to irl where insurance guy is pacing sinisterly then cut to some people at some door somewhere oh hey isn't that that that traveling salesman dude it's definitely oh dear they just killed everyone this does not seem good then we cut back to the throne room where wifeless is finally questioning why they are tearing up the floor and some random guys like it's a super special magic horn thing that no one has ever mentioned or talked about that we keep under the floor for some reason it's for 2.0 to use at the end times really could have mentioned this sooner then back to the useless wall where surprise the beasties have broken through then back to the grill bosses standing in no man's land between the wall in the city ah shit okay gals it's mojo time then back to the throne room where they found the magic thingy but salesman dude is here then back to holster in dreamland learning to be a sith yes good let the hate flow through you then back to irl where insurance man is like yes and not glad to realize like getting nervous then back to mojo is charging up then back to the throne room screaming then back to holster in dreamland then back to mojo charging up charging up beasties getting closer mojo boom girl bosses are not looking too good though is that you would explaining something make you feel better um okay well anyway back to holster in dreamland sensing a disturbance in the mojo realizes that fake cliff wouldn't be real cliff so he's not down for this plan after all mojo boom then back to wifeless doing pacifism leaves the room for one second and comes back to find everybody did and salesman dude is for sure sees bad news then back to the mojo squad still mojoing wasn't this battle supposed to end when 2.0 defeated uber baddie why are they still going the ladies are all frying r.i.p mean girl then back to the throne room salesman is villain monologuing about coming to their wee town to see our heroes because they're super special see he wants to bring balance to the force uh i mean to the mojo some of them need to turn to the dock side of the mojo then we randomly cut to gambler being super emo somewhere then back to holster not galadriel in the hole so peeps like me we go cray and kill everybody right yep okay just tell my friends i'm dead but bye then back to the throne room where salesman is still monologuing and wifeless is reconsidering pacifism but he's got to think about it some more then back to not galadriel still in the hole simp finally caught up thanks man way to be completely useless for this whole showdown simp wants geolocation turned back on stat but no can do got no mojo now then back to dead mojo squad but then cliff uses the power of love to bring me and girl back from the dead all bookworm um anyway back to howlbrand headed for more i mean sorry holster headed for who knows then back to not galadriel and simp shooketh by the lump of quartz not galadriel says something ominous and we fade to black then we cut to the far western shore there's a nice peaceful beach some kid playing in the sand a huge armada materializes the sea is always sorry wrong story mojo users send a massive ocean wave for the little girl on the beach dang what did that poor kid do guess we'll have to stay tuned for season two to find out