 Ladies and gentlemen, this is Jack Benny. Friends, the black market in gasoline has undoubtedly made necessary some of the past cuts in coupon values. For there's no magic source of supply for black gas. There are just so much to go around for civilian use and black gas comes out of honest people's gasoline tanks. If you buy gas without the proper coupons, you actually encourage robbery and counterfeiting. We have reached nearly the top productive capacity from our reserves. Yet our armed forces need more petroleum products than ever before. For we are facing the crucial hour of this war. Your part and the part of every loyal American is to do all you can to stamp out the black market and conserve precious gas. Don't apply for any more than you actually need and never buy one gallon of gas without the proper coupon. An honest coupon issued by your ration board. It's one more blow for victory. One more way we can back up our fighting boys. The Grape Nuts and Grape Nuts Flakes Program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester and yours truly, Don Wilson. If I suddenly pointed at one of you and said, you're neglecting your husband, I'll bet you'd be very indignant. But just think back a minute. Think back to breakfast time. Do you let that hardworking husband of yours dash down in the morning, snatch a gulp of coffee and then sprint for the bus? Well, if he does, you are neglecting him. And he isn't going to thank you either when he gets that letdown feeling from lack of food round about 11. Now, lady, if your husband comes up with the old one that he hasn't time for breakfast, just have your answer already. Just feature at breakfast a big tempting bowl of quick to fix Grape Nuts Flakes brimming with good rich milk. Boy, how he's going to enjoy those Grape Nuts Flakes. Crisp, toasty brown with their distinctive, multi-rich flavor. And what swell nourishment they'll bring him because Grape Nuts Flakes are a whole grain cereal crammed full of whole grain nourishment. And remember, nutritionists say a cereal with whole grain food values is a must for that adequate breakfast we should eat every day. Eat a good breakfast, do a better job, enjoy delicious Grape Nuts Flakes every morning. Well, ladies and gentlemen, this being our last program of the season, I feel the tribute is in order. Oh, Don, please. It's been said that Jack Benny has brought more laughs to more people than any man who ever lived. And now we bring you the man who said it, Jack Benny. Thank you. Thank you. Well, again, this is Jack Benny talking. And Don, I must say that was one of the most unusual introductions I've ever heard. Well, Jack, I'm glad you liked it. I didn't say I liked it. I said it was unusual. You started out, Don, you started out very cleverly. But, but, but what? Well, it's the first time I ever heard a man talk himself into a raise and out of a job at the same time. Don, since you brought up the subject yourself, tell me, who is there in radio that gets more laughs than I do? Well, there's Bob Hope, Pepper McGee and Molly, Red Skelton, Burns and Allen, Jimmy Durratti, David and Costello, Groucho Marks and any counter. I mean besides them. Anyway, what makes you think that they get bigger laughs than I do? Jack, they're all great comedians. Well, what do you think I am, John's other wife? You certainly got the shape for it, Jackson. Phil, don't let these tight slacks fool you. Anyway, what are you butting in for? John and I were talking about comedians who get bigger, I mean who try to get bigger laughs than I do. And I didn't even mention Fred Allen. Don, Fred Allen doesn't get as many laughs as the bull of a watch time announcement. And he, he's supposed to be an ad-lib comedian. Well, Fred is an ad-lib comedian. Ad-lib comedian. If he ever went down to Allen's alley, knocked on the doors and nobody was home, he'd shoot himself. I'm with. Well, I don't know. I'll never forget the laugh he got when he called you Flat Top's brother, false top. Now that's the corniest thing I've ever heard. Anyway, Allen should talk with those wrinkles on his face. He looks like a convertible with the top halfway down. I like that one myself. And with those bags under his eyes, he looks like a short butcher peeping over two pounds of liver. I don't pull another one, unless I top it, brother. Now look, this is our last program, so let's not clutter it up with a lot of junk. Come in. Yes. Remember me? I'm Herman Peabody, the insurance salesman. Yes, yes. Come on in, Herman and say, what's that tape measure over your arm? Oh, it's just a company regulation. When I sell a policy, I have to measure the customer. Measure the customer? Yep. Well, the shortage of help. We don't like to dig the hole any bigger than we have to. I see. Now look, Herman. Herman, this is my last program of the season, so... That's why I came over. I wanted to say goodbye. Well, that's very thoughtful of you, Herman. You know, every time I listen to your program, you make me laugh. Glad I make you laugh, kid. Yeah, you really give out, don't you, Herman? Oh, yeah, sometimes I get hysterical. Excuse me for being boisterous. You're excused. You're excused. Well, maybe I ought to go now. I have to take my dump truck back to the insurance office. Your dump truck? Yeah, I drive that around to service our 48-cent policy. Well, that's the cheapest policy I've ever heard of it. What's the dump truck got to do with it? Well, at that price, if you die, we don't give you any money, but we guarantee to cover you up. That policy sounds reasonable. Reasonable? They're cheap. Oh, Herman. Herman, don't exert yourself there. We've got a show to do, so would you please go over there and sit down? Oh, certainly. Oh, by the way, where's Mary Livingston? Mary? Oh, she couldn't come down today. She's got laryngitis. Oh, I didn't know that, Jack. It's too bad she couldn't be here for the last program. Yeah, but she's all right. She's home listening to it. Well, that's one listener we're sure of. I don't know. Mary's pretty particular. I'll tell you what, Phil. Play a band number, and then we'll be able to come in. Mr. Benny? Yes. I understand this is your last program until next fall. That's right. Well, I hope people miss you as much as they miss me. Why, who are you? Just an old cuspador. Amazing how many people try to ruin a good show. Play, Phil, and do your bit. Session orchestra. Jam meaning jelly, jelly meaning preserves, preserves meaning pickled, and you can take it from there. Jackson, it's bad enough that you keep panning my orchestra all year, but you don't have to do it on the last program, do you? Well... Phil's right, Jack. If Phil likes his orchestra, that's all that matters. He knows whether their music's good or not. Or he does, eh? Listen, Don, Phil once followed a guy with squeaky shoes for three blocks, trying to find out who made his arrangements. A lot he knows about music. He found these boys in a pool room. In a pool room? Yeah. You notice when they came in for rehearsal, you know, he doesn't sit them in position. He just racks them up. Hey, I'm pretty good myself today, you know. And now for... Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute. Now my boys don't play any pool any more than anybody else. Any, any, any. Phil, all I know is, you had to get rid of that violinist with the bald head because the clarinet player kept shooting him into the tuba. So don't, so don't try to... Hey, my wife played the tuba. What? What was that, Herman? My wife played the tuba for 25 years. Your wife? Well, that's an unusual instrument for a woman. Uh-huh. Mr. Benny, did you ever kiss a tuba player? No, I... I, uh... No, I can't say that I have. Well, if you ever do, you'll know what they mean by a slip of the lip and sink a ship. Herman, I'll go back to your chair and sit down. Thank you. Now, let's see, uh... Let's see, where were we? You were panning my orchestra and you want to know something, Jackson? What? When you find out what I'm going to do this summer, you'll be glad that you're one of my colleges. That's colleagues. Colleagues. Well, what are you going to do this summer, Phil? Well, I'm taking over the Kay-Kaiser program. The Kay-Kaiser program? Sure, get a load of this. Evening, folks. Hi, y'all. Come on, chillin', change your stance. The professor's here. Yes, dance. Yes, dance. So you're going to ask the musical questions. Phil, that is something. Really, even I know more about music than you do. Oh, yeah? Look, Jackson, I want to ask you a question. Oh, Phil, don't bother me. No, come on, I want to prove a point. Now, tell me, who wrote Beethoven's Fifth Symphony? Oh, Phil. Come on, come on, tell me now, who wrote Beethoven's Fifth Symphony? All right, Sherlock Holmes. All right, so I gave you an easy one. Let me ask you something. When you take over the Kay-Kaiser show and ask those musical questions, you're going to be so embarrassed. Wait a minute, Jack, I don't think you're being quite fair to Phil. What do you mean, Don? Well, you've been discussing classical music, and the only thing Phil has to know on Kay-Kaiser's program is modern stuff. You know, the popular tunes. But he doesn't even know that. Oh, I'm sure he does. Now, look, Phil, I'm going to have the band play something, and you tell me the name of it. Okay, Don. Go ahead, boys. Everybody? Yes, Jack. Everybody knows that if you eat a good breakfast, you... Yes, and everybody knows that grape nuts or grape nuts flakes covered with sugar and milk make a good breakfast. Everybody knows that, huh? Yes, everybody. Don, I have a little shock for you. In 1936 in Chicago, I was walking along LaSalle Street at 8.30 in the morning. A panhandler came over to me and said, Hey, buddy, I haven't had any breakfast. Could you spare a dime for a cup of coffee? You hear that, Don? He didn't have his breakfast. He didn't ask for grape nuts or grape nuts flakes. He asked for a dime for a cup of coffee. You get that, Don? A cup of coffee. Did you give him the dime? That's beside the point. He just wanted a cup of coffee. Well, Jack, all I can say is whether the man wanted a cup of coffee or a bowl of grape nuts is not the important thing. Well, there was a darling, a man broken in body and spirit, a man who needed a helping hand. He asked for a dime and you should have given it to him. Don Wilson, I did more than that. I not only gave him a dime, I gave him a job. And this darling, this outcast, was so grateful that he took that dime I gave him and saved it to this day as his good luck charm. Phil shone the dime. Go ahead, Phil. Show it to him. Here you are, Don. Thanks, Phil, for proving my story. Now, let's have another band number, Benny the Philanthropist. That's me. This is the G.I. John. An ally. It starts with the bugler blowing revelry over your bed when you arrive. Jack, that's the G.I. John. A little bit too. Jump in the suit, make a salute. Boo. Then you wash and dress, more or less. You go get your breakfast in that beautiful little cafe they call the mess. Jack, when you convalesce, a flowery seat on back to the street, make with a fee. Hurry. Now, if you're a PVT, then it's your duty. You must salute a L-I-E-U-T. But if you brush the L-I-E-U-T, the MP makes you KP, but only cutie. This is the G.I. John. An ally. They give you a tank that features features that little device called a fluid dry. Boo. Jackson, if you still survive, then get all your junk right back in your trunk. Fall on your bum. Soon you're counting on jeeps, but before you count to five. G.I. Jive played by the orchestra with a vocal refrain by Phil Harris, the panhandler. Phil, I'm glad you sang that. It was a nice touch for our last broadcast. And I'm sure you'll do a great job on the K. Kaiser program this summer. Well, thanks, Jackson, but don't look so happy. I'm going to be back with you in the fall. I know, I know. It's amazing what trouble a dime for a cup of coffee can get you into it. Hey, Jack, what are you going to do this summer? Make that picture to Warner Brothers? Which one? You know, the story of your life. Oh, no, no, Don. I canceled that. I had too much trouble. Hey, Jackson, why is it that every time you make a picture, you always have trouble? Because I insist on being in it. Anyway, I read the script and it wasn't anything like my life. They had me leaving Warkegan, traveling all over the country, playing my violin on street corners. Then at the end of the picture, they had me on a freight train going back to Warkegan. Some idea. What were they going to call the picture, Jack? Well, Lousy comes home. Oh, he comes home. I guess it's remarkable how you can keep up this pace week after week. You darling boy, you. That's right. Keep bad living. Just keep going. Keep writing and going up into the pitch bandwagon. It goes right in, you know, for the next hour and a half, you know. Phil, that wasn't the title at all. They were going to call it the life of Jack Benny. And another thing, they wanted to get somebody else to play the part of me. I never heard of anything so ridiculous. I should play Jack Benny myself. But Jack, even if you did play the part yourself, they'd have to get somebody to play you when you were younger. Well, yes. How about C. Aubrey Smith? What are you talking about, C. Aubrey Smith? They wanted Danny K. to play my whole life, and I wouldn't stand for anything. Come in. Special delivery for Jack Benny. I'll take it, bud. Here. Here's a tip for you. Oh, boy, a nickel. Now my wife can have another baby. Fresh guy. Who's the letter from, Jack? It's, uh, hey, fellas. It's from Dennis. Dennis Day. No kidding. Well, what do you know about that? It's from the naval station at Tucson, Arizona, where Dennis is in training. Hey, what does the kid say, Jack? Yeah, read it to us, Jack. Okay. It says, Mr. Jack Benny, care of the Grape Nuts program, Hollywood, California. Dear civilian. Hmm. I have been stationed at Tucson, Arizona ever since I left your program, and the air here is much better. I like being in the Navy. Last night I had fish for dinner, and it was nice to meet someone who had been to sea. Down here we all sleep in hammocks, and for the first three weeks it was very uncomfortable. Then somebody told me that you're not supposed to lay the hammock on the floor. So I hung it up like they told me to, and I like it much better, except it seems funny to swing and sway without Sammy Kay. Ha-ha. Isn't that a funny joke? I told it to my Admiral, and he must have liked it because he told me to tell it to the Marines. I also told my Admiral, I used to work for you, and ooh, what he said. No other news. Give my best wishes to everybody, and give Mary a big kiss for me. You always seem to get more out of it than I do. Love to all, yours truly, Dennis Day. P.S., please excuse the ink as I am all out of pencil. Good old Dennis. It's sure good to hear from him, wasn't it, fellas? Yeah, I got a kick out of that. Say, Jack, can you imagine me ever sleeping in a hammock? Don, any bed you sleep in looks like a hammock. It won't make any sense. Anyway, I'm going to write to Dennis tomorrow and tell him all the news that's happened since he's been away, and... I'll take it. Hello? Hello, Mr. Billy, this is Rochester. What do you want, Rochester? I got some big news for you, boss. I'm going to get married. Married? Yeah, you know how long Cupid's been shooting those arrows at me? Yes. Well, last night he hit me with a secret weapon. Well, you're going to get married, eh, Rochester? Well, tell me all about it. How did it happen? Well, last night I went to a party, and there she was. I met her at 1040, and at 1045, the wedding was planned. That's pretty fast, isn't it, Rochester? You only knew her five minutes. Well, it's amazing what you can do when you meet someone if you don't waste time shaking hands. Oh, I see. Well, Rochester, this must have been love at first sight. I never heard you talk this way before. Oh, yes, boy. She's beautiful. Really? Yeah, did you ever see the statue of Venus de Marlo? Oh, sure, sure. In bronze? Not exactly. You know, Rochester, I feel a little sad about this. You've been with me all these years, and now you're going to get a wife and set up housekeeping for yourself. Oh, no, Mr. Benny, don't look at it that way. What do you mean? You ain't losing a butler. You're gaining a cook. Right now I sure could use one. Anyway, good luck, Rochester, and I hope you'll be very happy. Thanks, boys. Goodbye. Goodbye. Oh, say Rochester. Yes. Since this is our last program, I'm having a few friends drop in for a little celebration, and I want you to stay home and have some drinks ready. Okay, boys. I want to try a new recipe I learned last night. What's it like? Well, first you take a 12-ounce glass and put it in a dash of bitter. Uh-huh. Then you add a jigger of gin. Then you add another jigger of gin. Uh-huh. And then you fill the glass up with gin. What kind of a drink is that? Boys, did you ever hear of jet propulsion? Yes. Well, this opens the jet. That will serve something mild. Goodbye. Goodbye. Rochester doesn't discover Mars. Nobody will. Say, Mr. Wilson, I want to ask you something. Oh, so is you again. Yeah, Mr. Wilson, if you were a sweet June girl graduate, what would you like for a graduation present? Some jewelry, maybe? Look, I'm not a sweet June girl graduate. Well, my daughter is, so put yourself in her place. Would you like some dainty lingerie? No, really, really, no. I want to talk about grape nuts. Why, of course. That's the answer. Grape nuts. Well, grape nuts are delicious and nourishing, but I hadn't thought of them as a graduation present. Oh, I mean, I'll give my daughter some helpful advice. You'll give her advice for a present? Well, I might throw in an umbrella at the same time. Oh, fine, fine. Now, what's the advice? Eat a good breakfast, do a better job, and feature molly-rich grape nuts. Good advice for a girl graduate. And good advice for anybody, for we all need a good breakfast in the morning. And crisp, delicious grape nuts make us swell basic breakfast dish. Grape nuts bring you whole grain nourishment. The kind nutrition experts recommend as a daily must. And grape nuts taste so tempting, molly-rich and sweet as a nut, you'll enjoy every spoonful. So friends, eat a good breakfast, do a better job, and make delicious, nourishing grape nuts your feature breakfast treat. Well, folks, this winds up our last program of the season, but we'll all be with you again next fall. Meanwhile, Mary and I and our whole gang want to thank all you listeners for spending half hour with us throughout the season. Also want to thank our sponsor, General Foods, for a very pleasant association over these many years. And I know Dennis Day joins us in all those sentiments. Also... Excuse me. Hello? Hello, boss, I got some more news for you. What is it now, Rochester? The wedding is off, I ain't gonna get married. Why, what happened? My girl's father said with what you're paying me, at least one of us would have to live with him. And actually, I was hooked up with the wrong man. Rochester, do you mean the inferred that I don't pay you enough? That's what he said, that's what the man said, he said that. Hurry up, bothered, you'll find another girl. Goodbye. Goodbye. Good night, everybody. A word to the wise is sufficient, I feel, so all I need, say, is hot grape nut sweet meal. Delicious, nutritious, it's rich, brown and hot, so get grape nut sweet meal, it hits the right spot. And what a bargain in quantity and quality. When you buy hot brown grape nut sweet meal in the big new 30-ounce economy-sized package, that's 30 full ounces of well-roasted wheat flavor, full-bodied texture, real whole wheat nourishment. Get hot grape nut sweet meal tomorrow. This is the National Broadcasting Company. KFI Los Angeles, Earl C. Anthony, Incorporated.