 If you're a woman watching this video, can we agree that men often times say incredibly confusing things when it comes to the dating, mating, and relating process? I'm sure many of you have felt frustrated and I want to lean into this conversation, particularly in the area of relationships, the things that men talk about with respects to relationships that might be confusing and let's unpack that. And I'll be candid with you, this title was something I borrowed from Matthew Hussey. If you follow his work, I do have a great deal of respect for him. This content isn't based on that, but I'm just sharing with you where the title came from. So, you know, these days I kind of think of men in several different categories, and the first category is the men who are just chasing sex, okay? And while for some people that's rather obvious, they come across love bombing, they're very overtly enthusiastic in asexual nature, it still can be confusing because men are biologically driven by sex from a mating perspective. In fact, I would say that's one of our top things we think about, certainly on a first date, but even in a relationship, it occupies a lot of space in our brain, if you will. And then there are the men who are seeking companionship and sex. So, they want someone's company, they want that connection, they want that sex, and yet they may not be able to fully commit to another person in relationship, and those men oftentimes say incredibly confusing things. Then there are men who just want your female connection. I see this with most men who are spending a lot of time on their devices talking to people. Have you ever had a situation where you just feel like it's endless text messaging and it's not going anywhere? In fact, I've heard people carry on one, two, and three-year relationships, they think it's a relationship, and it's all been based on their laptop, based on their emails, and that's all they've corresponded with. And they think there's some romantic nature to it, which see that that can be the case. There is certainly going back to an old time where it's written communication. But at the end of the day, there are plenty of men that hide behind their computer screens or their smartphone screens. In fact, I did an article once called, they're called Monitor Mice. And I think these men just seek that female connection. They want that connection with female without any real serious desire for a relationship. Those men we're not really going to consider are, when I mean to say, it's not going to be addressed as much. And then there are men who literally unconsciously or unknowingly are seeking the connection of women purely for the purpose of their therapy. That's right, their therapy. In fact, these days I've noticed, especially for those of us in midlife, and midlife is after baby making years and before retirement, there's a significant percentage of the population of men and women who are divorced. And in divorces, there's an unraveling of the tapestry of one's life. And in that unraveling of many people, many people experience some level of emotional trauma. And during this emotional trauma, online dating, or at least dating itself, has created an opportunity for men to connect with women to basically, for lack of a better word, I was about to say vomit their feelings, but express their feelings in a way merely from a cathartic perspective with a woman. And then what happens is men and women bond in this space. And yet relationships rarely ever go anywhere because they bond it in an unhealthy way. Ladies do this, men do this alike. And I think that on an unconscious level, or on a subconscious level, they're seeking that female connection for the purpose of therapy without any real desire to lean into an healthy, happy relationship. And then there's the men who are want that companionship, want connection, want that sex. And at the same time, they want commitment. They're genuinely seriously want some level of partnership with someone. They want a level of commitment. They're like, I was one of those people. In fact, there's my committed partner right there, and we even live together. And I look at our relationship from the perspective of intentionality. And I mentioned this because it's really important to recognize that if two people are in the dating process and one person isn't intentional about it, in other words, their intentions aren't on the forefront of what they want, it can be very confusing. And yet these confusing things men say might seem like they want relationship. They seem like they are intentional. And yet, if we pull back the curtain, we find out where they really stand when it comes to a fully committed relationship. And ladies, there's an old saying, women are the gatekeepers of sex, and men are the gatekeepers of commitment. But that's so important. And I'm not here to suggest that women can't have a sexual experience and have fun, just like a man can do. I'm not suggesting that. What I'm suggesting is if you're a woman who genuinely wants a serious relationship with a man, if you want a serious relationship with a man, then you must set your standard on what that looks like for yourself, not his standard. You set your standard. And then within that standard are your boundaries. And boundaries simply means what's okay and what's not okay for me. By the way, I'm going to share something with you. Ladies oftentimes think you know your standards. And I say this a little bit with jest. Women come to me all the time, Jonathan, I know what I want. I know what I want. I know what I want in a relationship. And then they go through my proprietary coaching program to help them determine who is really compatible with them and how to ask the right questions to determine compatibility. And women come to me after they finish this boot camp I've created, they're all like, God, why didn't someone teach me this in school? Why didn't my parents teach me this? Why didn't I learn this before I married the wrong guy? By the way, if you need help and support with that, check out the link below to a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. Because folks, we can approach this process naively based on chemistry and romance. I have to say, our culture has been so caught up in chemistry and romance that it literally negates the more important aspect of a relationship or what I believe them equally is important aspects of relationship. And that's shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity. And let's be clear, emotional maturity is rather lacking these days in human beings and more importantly, their capacity to have good relationship skills. Listen, statistically speaking, if 50% of marriages end in divorce, there's a real reason why this happens. And why do 65 and 75% of second marriages end in divorce? Because A, they went in with chemistry and romance without any conscious intentionality with really making sure is this person a great person for me. And this gets rather frustrating because men can say confusing things. Ladies, you can think of a relationship like this, okay? I'd like to be in a relationship where we spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, both in our personal and our professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy that leads to either moving in together or getting married. What's the standard I promote? I don't promote that as a first or second date, but when two people decide to engage in a relationship, that's what it should look like. For a lot of men, they're like, I just want to hang out with you. So you're here and they're way down, they're really way down here. And that space in between, do you know what that's called? Drama. You want him to feel that space. And he's saying words that makes it incredibly confusing. So I want to lean into some of these. And I recognize that it's incredibly frustrating today because swipe apps have literally created, dating apps and swipe apps have literally created a hookup culture and a culture of casual relationships. Remember when I first got divorced, there was this thing called the three date rule basically said if a man hasn't had sex with you by the third date, he's on to the next person. And I'm one of those men that subscribe to that. I operated from that now partially because sex is part of the decision making process for a fully committed relationship. And at the same time, what's missing there is any level of commitment or trust. And that's why when I said earlier, it's okay. You know, I'm not here to be prudish on sex. What I'm here to say is, oh, my coffee mug says swear a little, you'll feel better. On my weekend videos, I don't purpose. These videos are called Jonathan from the heart. Remember I said earlier, women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gatekeepers of commitment. Well, it used to be some man wanted sex with a woman, he'd have to get married, he'd make the ultimate commitment to get that. And these days, partially because of birth control, the up to obtain sex requires little or no investment, like couple dinners might be an investment and even the agreement of monogamy and exclusivity. I say agreement because it's not written in stone anywhere. It's just a verbal agreement that a person can break all the time. And many of you are certainly frustrated with experiencing ghosting or men pulling away or men disappearing. And look, this fantasy that you can just sit in your feminine energy and this will all magically work out. It's a fantasy. Now I'm in big and proponent of being in your empowered energy to be in your sovereignty, your self worth, your self esteem, your self confidence. I wrote a book about that called what the heck is self love anyway, a journey of personal development, self help and spiritual work. By the way, you can get a copy of all the books I recommend in the description below. Why do I say, why do I talk about this? Because ladies, you are in charge of your relationship destiny, don't give it up to a guy. Because ultimately, you know, commitment really comes from trust and trust is built over time. It's built over time. It takes literally a hundred hours of face to face time just to build the first layer of trust. A hundred hours. That's just the first layer and 200 hours for the next layer and 300 hours for the next layer of trust. And what does trust? Trust isn't just about fidelity. Trust is, can I count on this person? Can I count on this person? Will they be there for me if I need them? Do my feelings matter to them as much as my feelings matter to me? I know in my relationship, and I know so many of my community of friends in relationship, their partner matters to them as equally as much. So isn't it interesting if I said earlier, men are driven biologically by sex? You know, to be able to receive that with little or no investment can create a lot of frustration. And what I mean to say, it can create a lot of short-lived experiences. And when a man or woman has experienced a lot of short-lived experiences, it weighs on them emotionally. It weighs on them emotionally. In fact, it's already sad that our number one core wound is, I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable, and I'm not likable. That's why I encourage self-love. And dating triggers that like nobody's business, just like these confusing phrases I'm about to share with you creates more anxiety and frustration in relationship. And I know many of you have heard these, but these are genuine red flags. So these are things that men oftentimes say in the early states of the dating process. And I believe that the reason why men do this on a subconscious level, or an unconscious level, would be subconscious or subconscious level, is that these are their built-in escape clauses. This is their way to get a little bit of what Steve Harvey says, the cookie, with very little investment, and it gives them an out, the escape clause. It gives them an out. So number one, I'm not looking for a serious relationship. Now, many of you in the beginning stages aren't looking for a serious relationship. And what I mean to say is, with that person, I'm not looking for a serious relationship with that person. Okay? But they say it as a, because it's fascinating how many people have said that, bloated a woman for a while, that relationship ended, and then they're on to the next relationship, and they get married to the person. So I'm not looking for a serious relationship. The minute a guy says that, that means I have no clue whether or not it's not just a no clue that I want a relationship with you. It's pretty clear when a guy says that is you're not the one. The reason why a man would say that is he wants an escape clause, and you're going, well, I don't want a serious relationship to, let's take it slow in the beginning to see if we're really a good friend. Now, I'm all in favor of taking a healthy amount of time to get to know another person in a healthy way. But when a guy says that, that's a red flag. And red flag merely means ask more questions. That's why I created a coaching program to help you design questions based on your personality to determine his genuine serious intent. Number two, I wonder if I, so the first one, I'm not looking for a serious relationship. This usually happens before sex. But then after sex, a man might say something like this. I wonder if I'm capable of a serious relationship. I wonder if I'm capable of a serious relationship right now. So he's gotten his sex. He said earlier, okay, ladies, when a man says I want a relationship, you hear, I want three or four days and nights a week together, shared activities, obvious mutual interests, blah, blah, blah, blah, like I said earlier. When a man says I want a relationship, he could have meant, I just want to spend time at my beck and call. But you hear, you hear this without really understanding what that looks like. And then after sex, a man might say, I wonder if I'm capable of a serious relationship. He's really just planted his seed as a scape clause. And then for many of you women, you're like, okay, I'm going to be the one to change that. I will be the one unlike anyone else that would change that. The minute a guy says that, that is a glaring red flag. Okay. Now, here's one that I've heard over and over and over again. It said usually in the beginning stages before there's sex. He says, I'm open to a serious relationship with the right person. I'm open. Okay. There's a big difference between saying, I'm open and I'm looking for a serious relationship with the right person. I'm open to it. Now, this opens the door for sex. And then what a guy might say after sex, when he says I'm open, is I wonder if I'm capable of a relationship or worse. He says, let's take it slow. Okay. Listen, intentionality means I want a life partner. You want a life partner. These days, probably 80% of the dating marketplace is with people that have no intention of a real life partner. I think men oftentimes operate, you know, they operate from, I'll believe it when I see it. I'll believe it when I see it. I'll believe it when I see it. What I mean to say is they're not really intentional about a serious committed relationship, but they hope that someone is going to be so special that it will shift their narrative inside their head that they will make that person a priority in their life. And a woman sees a man who's making effort, hoping they'll be the one to change that guy's narrative about a serious relationship. Whereas I said, I'll believe it when I see it. Instead of when I believe it, I will see it. In other words, when I believe, when I know, when I want a serious relationship, then I will see it. See, the first guy, he's just hoping that somehow magic fairy dust will change how he feels about women, because he's not ready for a serious relationship. He's not commit, he's not capable of it, and he's not intentional about it. The last phrase that I'm going to share today are the men who enter into a relationship with someone, and then they say, let's take it slow. Let's take it slow. Now, I'm all in favor of healthy progression of a relationship. I'm all in favor of a healthy progression of a relationship. That's good, healthy. But taking it slow, what that really means is I've been hurt in the past, I don't trust you, and I need a lot of time to make this decision. I wonder how many men who have taken it slow actually have pulled the trigger later on down the road to be in a fully committed relationship with this person when they say, I'm taking it slow. Listen, I've also noticed that men who know what they want, who clearly know what they want, they're with somebody they genuinely care about, slow is the last thing they do. We men are also territorial. The men who say I'll take it slow believe already they have you and they can string you along. When a man genuinely has a woman in their life that they feel like they could lose at any moment, the last thing they do is take it slow. They take it fast. When I say fast, I knew when I met my partner, I knew that was someone I wanted my life. I didn't take it slow. I mean, some people think I took it fast. For us, it felt like the right pace. But what I mean to say is I was very intentional. I want a fully committed relationship with you and I want to explore how to make that work. That's intentional. That's not fast. But when a guy says let's take it slow, that usually means he doesn't see you as the one, but he wants all the benefits of companionship, connection, and sex. And when I say he doesn't see you as the one, it's because he's been hurt in the past and he doesn't know idea most likely what the one looks like. So what's the antidote to all of this? Well, as I said before, understand that these are what I call escape clause lines. And they don't want to make a promise they can't keep. And the antidote to this, it's what a guy says, not the antidote, but here's what I invite you to say. When the guy says I'm open to a relationship with the right person, your response is I'm open to sex with the right person who has demonstrated trust and commitment. I repeat that I'm open to sex with that person who's demonstrated trust and commitment. Trust. As I said before, it takes about 100 hours of face to face time just to build the first layer of trust. Trust also might be the agreement to share what I call my dating vows. And if you're not familiar with it, by the way, there's a there's a copy of it in the description below. But it says this is an agreement, the two of you may, or you get too deeply involved with one another. When it goes like this, you each recited to each other and you say I agree to explore the process of getting to know you with the intent to declare something serious within the next three to six months. It's intentional. No, a guy could lie about that for sure. But I would certainly say, you know, have also an integrity button. If they're not genuinely serious about you, they'll they'll fade away. I agree to be monogamous sexually while we have regular sex together. I agree to not actively seek and meet and date others while we're in the dating process, including taking down our dating profiles. I agree to speak up if this isn't working for me versus pulling back, ghosting and disappearing. And I agree to invest regular time in the process of getting to know you, which looks like what I shared before three or four days and nights, we together shared activities, hobbies, mutual interest. Now, this weeds out a lot of the lookie loom men. This weeds out a lot. Now, some of you, wait, men might say, oh, my God, I wouldn't agree with that. That's what's on a controlling woman would do. Ladies, there's nothing controlling about this. This is a request before you invest your heart in someone. You have every right to make a request of someone else before you give your heart to someone. Listen, if you want to spend time getting to know each other on a friendly basis, it's totally great. Go out to picnics, go out to movies, go out to dinner. Before you give your heart to someone, you have every right to make some simple requests. I'm only suggesting five simple requests. And if a man stops at that, a man looks at that and thinks you're controlling, then this is a guy who either not interested in you or genuinely probably isn't serious about a fully committed relationship. And I'm here to only encourage fully committed relationships that lead to partnerships, teamwork kind of relationship and partnerships. Look, there's nothing easy about this process. In fact, it takes a lot of work. But in the day, when you can stand in your power, your sovereignty, your self-worth, your self-esteem, your self-confidence, you are more of a magnetic attractor for those men who are genuinely growers and builders who want to build a fully committed relationship with someone. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. If you have something to share, post a comment below. If this video is something you'd like, please like the video. Please share the video. Please tell your friends. Please subscribe to my channel if you're brand new here. And I'd like to hear your thoughts again posted below. And all the links to schedule a discovery call with me to join my group and my Instagram is all in the show note description. All right, I think this will be a great place to wrap up this video. First off, I'm going to give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barrow of self-love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm going to ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear or a pillow, and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye now.