 Hey Gems, welcome back to my channel. I hope y'all could hear me Speaking a little low because the baby is sleeping but I Just came on here because I was just watching Old video from this time last year Today is Sunday December 31st New Year's Eve. What time is it? It's about 11 30 right now. Yeah, it's 11 26 I'm home with my boys Like I was last year, but I was just watching a video that I recorded last year that I never posted And I realized that I brought in the new year last year No, I brought in 2023 crying and overwhelmed and Pretty much just very emotional. I may insert a clip of that video in this video It's like 19 minutes long, so I'm not gonna put the whole video but watching that video just kind of put things into perspective for me and Made me realize how much I've grown this year and as hard as this year has been for me through healing my traumas and digging deep and Facing everything that I need to face feeling everything that I need to feel and releasing a whole lot I've made so much progress and I've grown so much and I didn't fully realize that until watching that video I'm not gonna I'm not gonna cry because like these tears would be like out of out of gratitude Like just it would be thankful tears not really like sad tears but I'm just really I'm just really proud of myself and I don't say that often To myself or I don't think it as much as I need to think it for myself But I am really proud of myself because I have accomplished so much and I don't give myself enough credit. I am extremely hard on myself most days and That's why I'm constantly reminding myself to give myself some grace and to be patient Although these past few months have been difficult for me because this time of year is difficult for me It has been so much better than what I was what it was for me last year So that alone is broke. You know, like the hard times were even harder last year I have managed to find a way to do so much on my own and not on my own You know in in the sense that like I don't get any help But on my own in the sense that like when when there's no one else there I still handle what I need to handle even when I get overwhelmed and frustrated like I have been able to do a lot and I'm just proud of myself. I'm so proud of myself. This time last year I was I had just returned from the village and I'm gonna yeah, like I said I'm gonna insert a piece of that clip But I was so emotional and sad because it was just hitting me that like I'm a single mother. Like I have to do these things on my own That this time last year my oldest son was giving me a hard time Like I've even watching that video has even made me realize how much he's grown And it's just a good reminder to know that things are only getting better, you know Like I've hit my rock bottom already and now things are only getting better So even the hard times aren't the hardest anymore. Gosh, I am not gonna cry So I just want to say to everyone who is having a hard time Or going through it or even feel like they're at their rock bottom right now Just know that the only way you can go from here is up. Know that things can only get better Know that things going You being at rock bottom gives you a clean slate to start over and create the life that you want And the life that you know you deserve And although I don't have that yet. Gosh, I am not going to cry Although I I although I don't have that yet. I know that it's already there for me I know that it's coming and like I see it like I could feel that 2024 is going to be an even more amazing year for me and I'm really looking forward to it. I was talking to my best friend I think last week and I was just telling her about all the things that I really want to embody this coming Year this new chronological year because we all know years is in spring We're not gonna get into that but like for 2024 all I want to do is embody happiness and peace and joy And not saying that I'm not gonna have get my overwhelm Not saying that I'm not going to still get overwhelmed and have my moments where I need to cry and release But in general, I just want to be happy not saying that I'm not happy, but I just want happiness I want to express more gratitude. I want to just attract abundance A lot lots lots of abundance and I want to tap into my highest self some more Because there's still some things I got to work through that are remnants from my previous relationship And one of them is building my confidence So I want to walk in my purpose with my head held high and feel confident In everything that I do and say and everything that I radiate So I want to just get back to the things that brings me a lot of joy and I was Telling her when I was my best friend. I was telling her that like I was thinking of what is one thing that I used to do as a child That just used to make me feel happy and free And that is riding bike in our neighborhood growing up like every sunday All of my siblings and our childhood friends we all just rode bike in our neighborhood like just speeding down these them neighborhood streets and it was just so much fun And I can't tell you when last I When last I rode a bike, but That's something I want to do this year Like I want to buy me a pedal bike and be riding some bike around neighborhood. I want to dance more Dancing brings me joy and I don't do enough of it And um, I'm definitely traveling more. I already have like four trips planned two of them book I definitely want to pour more into my healing work and also my business and most importantly I want to be More patient more nurturing More calm and just bring more peace into my space Especially as a mother to these three boys these three energetic boys I just want to be better for myself for my children for my family and I also want to attract more love I do feel myself getting closer to being open to a romantic type of companionship again And I think 2024 is gonna Open that up some more for me in some aspect not saying that my goal is to be in a relationship in 2024 I'm not saying that at all. I'm saying that I want to explore it some more and that's not even my whole list I'm just like sharing some Some of the things that's coming up for me right now But as I look at my vision board right here It's just every day a reminder of what I want to be what I want to attract What I know is out there waiting for me and I'm just grateful. I'm truly grateful and blessed And that's it. I don't want to keep rambling and make this video too long But I'm truly grateful. I am home right now I I took the boys to a Kwanzaa event tonight and after the Kwanzaa event I was going to take them to the village, but the event didn't finish until like minutes to 10 and um They were tired. They were so tired that I was tired too to be honest So I just came straight home instead and I also wanted to come home Because I want to like cleanse my space to bring in 2024 So I'm going to take off my clothes let down my hair like some incense and sage and Yeah, just some meditating and manifesting and all of that good stuff I'm not going to get into details, but my boys are all safe and healthy I am safe and healthy And at one point that was not a reality for us. So I am truly grateful I am so grateful. So to everyone watching I'm wishing you all an abundance of happiness joy peace prosperity and Everything that you desire in 2024 and I hope that We all find a way to continue to express more gratitude Because the universe love gratitude and what we give is what we receive. So get more gratitude and We'll receive more things to give gratitude for I hope that makes sense to y'all. Anyways, I am going to This is so tight in my head I don't know if I'm still going to insert that video. I'll see based on Based on how long this video is. I just need to take this out. It's so tight But tonight I am I am The difference between now and last year how I brought the the new years in last year Although I was like this home The boys in bed sleeping and I'm up alone last year I was crying on camera and today I'm smiling on camera. So That is definitely a big change also I am actually looking forward to spending a quiet evening alone versus last year. I was just like I don't want to be alone Like I don't want to do this by myself And although I still genuinely Don't want to do this by myself. I am definitely more content With the reality of my life And I truly know and believe that everything was stripped from me for a greater reason a greater purpose And to make room for a more abundant A more abundant life for myself and my children And I see all of those things coming to fruition soon very soon So I'm grateful me being able to stand here and even say that shows my growth because Although last year I mentally knew that it was hard for me to accept my reality and Understand that like this too shall pass that kind of way like when you're in it when you're literally in it It is so hard. It's hard but Once you start getting to the other side You start to see the light you're able to look back and be like wow I've come a long way and right now I'm at that space where I'm looking back and I'm just like wow I came a long way So I came home tonight and I got my boys ready for bed And I put them in bed and I hugged them and I kissed them And I told them I told them that I loved them and that I'm so proud of them And I meant that so deeply and although those words may not resonate with them deeply right now When they get older they're gonna remember that mama was always there And I may not be the traditional mother that do some of the things that other Parents do in terms of like crazy amount of gifts and stuff during this time of year But what they are going to remember is the time that I spent with them They're gonna remember me taking them places and reading to them every night and Giving them hugs and kisses randomly They're gonna remember those things and I I'm proud of myself That's all Anyways, so all of my melanated women protect your womb by any means necessary And to everyone watching protect your peace by any means necessary I wish you all love light and prosperity and you will see me in my next video Cheers to 2024 that we all Have a prosperous year It feels weird picking up the camera when I'm having a moment So I had a pretty frustrating day today Everybody couldn't wait for a sinker carnival, but I honestly can't wait till it's over Tonight was rigging night, but of course I have to take the boys with me because Nobody could watch them today. Sia was just on 10 We got down there Maybe a little after nine first of all getting all the churn in the car Because I also had my nephew and my cousin So it was my three boys my nephew and my cousin And my cousin is older, but she did it us She'd be in a lot of land sometimes So Although she could be a lot of help sometimes she's Not I got so overwhelmed and frustrated because first of all all day. Sia has been just crying By the time we got there I went I bought him a toy. I asked him if you want By the way, right? He said no So I went over by the stage to enjoy the show because Desiree has started performing as soon as he was done I ready to go home When I say the boys start trying on tantrum Turn on me and Trying his body on me and I was just I was just like, you know what? Let's go. First of all, usually by the time I done going going going all day I'm too tired to go out, which I was tired still, but I really didn't want to go And enjoy the show so I pushed myself to still go But by the time I've done dealing with these boys all day, I'm exhausted I don't care to go out at night And then when I when something is going on that I want to go to is always something as to why Either I still can't go or I go and can't stay So it's like why bother first of all while I was there like something triggered I got triggered by one of the songs that Desiree started to perform because Is a song that my children's father Used to play a lot and sing a lot. I don't know how to explain what I felt But anyways on my way home like I started to get a little teary-eyed because I don't want to do this shit by myself And it was not it's not even out of missing him I just miss the help like I miss not having to do shit by myself as it pertains to being a parent And I don't know how that's going to come off, but like I'd be so overwhelmed I don't know I don't like I don't even know how to explain like what I'm feeling right now. I am getting emotional and It's just one of the things that happen periodically like I can go weeks without Feeling over like without feeling this It hits me like anyways, this is just a little rant video I haven't had therapy. I'm like too It feels like two months. Yeah two months not having therapy makes things really harder Because I don't have anyone to talk to I don't have an outlet Some days. I just feel too numb. Some days. I'm just like let me distract myself And some days I just let it all out. I literally reached 12 at 12 12 a.m Literally because I was taking out the car. I was taking the boys Out the car one by one because they were all sleeping As people was busting the gunshot in the air and I just thought I had a moment where I thought to myself like This is really my life This is really my life. Like I have to I have to do this on my own like when nobody else is available like I have to like I don't have a choice I don't have a skin. I don't want to take care of my children I just wish I didn't have to do it alone Like I didn't have children with intentions on being a single parent and I'm not saying anybody does that but I would have never ever in a million years think that this would be my life today Like I really thought that I picked a good person to appropriate with Like I know I'm a good mother but sometimes I feel like I'm not because of the frustration that I feel Like when you're frustrated like I'm not frustrated because of the children, but I'm frustrated And then I have to mother. I have to nurture. I have to take care of them But yet I'm frustrated So I can't even do that effectively because I have all this frustration going on mentally I don't know if that makes sense to you, but like I don't want to I don't want to do that anymore. Like I don't want to um Be so frustrated when it comes to taking care of my children because They're not the cause of the frustration like I just I want to be patient. I want to be nurturing. I want to be kind I want to be all the things I was before I became a single mother because I've never had to feel like this When dealing with my children like I was always able to be that nurturing kind calm Parent yeah, we'll see me in my next video. I'm gonna call it a night So queen manifesting your