 Section 12 of Yiddish Tales. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Yiddish Tales translated by Helena Frank and read by Adrian Pretzellus. Section 12. Fischl the Teacher by Sholam Alechem. Twice a year, as sure as the clock, on the first day of Nisan and the first of Ilul, for Pesach and Suchus, Fischl the Teacher travelled from Balta to Chastachevat, home to his wife and children. It was decreed that nearly all his life long he should be the guest of his own family, a very welcome guest, but a passing one. He came with the festival, and no sooner was it over than back with him to Balta, back to the schooling, the ruler, the Gamora, the dull, thick wits, to the being knocked about from pillar to post, to the wandering among strangers, and the longing for home. On the other hand, when Fischl does come home, he is an emperor. His wife, Bathsheba, comes out to meet him, pulls at her head kerchief, blushes red as fire, questions as though in a sides without as yet looking him in the face. How are you? And he replies, How are you? And Freyka, his son, a boy of thirteen or so, greets him, and the father asks, Well, if I am, and how far on are you in the Gamora? And his little daughter, Ressel, not at all a bad-looking little girl, with a plaited pigtail, hugs and kisses him. Tati, what sort of present have you brought me? Printed calico for a frock and a silk kerchief for mother. There, give mother the kerchief. And Fischl takes a silk, suppose a half-silk kerchief, out of his talus bag, and Bathsheba grows red as still, and pulls her headcloth over her eyes, takes up a bit of household work, busies herself all over the place, and ends up by doing nothing. Bring the Gamora for him, and let me hear what you can do. Freyka recites his lesson like the bright boy he is, and Fischl listens and corrects, and his heart expands and overflows with delight. His soul rejoices, a bright boy, Freyka, a treasure. If you want to go to the bath, there is a shirt ready for you. Thus Bathsheba, as she passes him, still not venturing to look him in the face, and Fischl has a sensation of unspeakable comfort. He feels like a man escaped from prison, and back in a lightsome world, among those who are near and dear to him. And he sees in fancy a very, very hot bath-house, and himself lying on the highest bench with the other Jews. And he perspires and swishes himself with the Birch twigs, and can never have enough. Home from the bath, fresh and lively as a fish, like one newborn, he rehearses the portion of the law for the festival, puts on the Sabbath cloak and the new girdle, steals a glance at Bathsheba in her new dress and silk handkerchief, still a pretty woman, and so pious and good, and goes with Freyka to the shawl. The air is full of shalom alechems. Welcome, Red Fischl the teacher, and what are you about? A teacher teaches. What is the news? What should it be? The world is the world. What is going on in Balta? Balta is Balta. The same formula is repeated every time, every half year, and Nisl the reader begins to recite the evening prayers, and sends forth his voice, the further the louder, and when he comes to, and Moses declared the set feasts of the Lord unto the children of Israel, it reaches nearly to heaven, and Freyka stands at his father's side and recites the prayers melodiously, and once more Fischl's heart expands and flows over with joy. A good child, Freyka, a good pious child. Hagsemeach, a happy holiday, a happy holiday, a good yah! At home they find the Passover table spread, the four cups, the bitter herbs, the almond and apple paste, and all the rest of it. The reclining seats, two small benches with big cushions, stand ready, and Fischl becomes a king. Fischl, robed in white, sits on the throne of his dominion. Bathsheba the queen sits beside him in her new silk kerchief. Ephraim the prince in a new cap, and the princess wrestle with her plait, sit opposite him. Look on with respect. His majesty Fischl is seated on his throne and has assumed the sway of his kingdom. The chastsevet scamps, who love to make game of the whole world, not to mention a teacher, maintain that one Passover eve, our Fischl sent his Bathsheba the following Russian telegram, have entered my pupils for the next term, and bringing money, prepare the dumplings, I come to reign. The mischief-makers declare that this telegram was seized at Balta station, that Bathsheba was sought and not found, and that Fischl was sent home with the Etup. Dreadful, but I can assure you there isn't a word of truth in the story, because Fischl never sent a telegram in his life. No one was ever seen looking for Bathsheba, and Fischl was never taken anywhere by the Etup. That is, he was once taken somewhere by the Etup, but not on account of a telegram, only on account of a simple passport, and not from Balta, but from your hoops, and not at Passover, but in summertime. He wished, you see, to go to your hoops in search of a post as teacher, and forgot his passport. He thought it was in Balta, and he got into a nice mess, and forbade his children and children's children ever to go in search of pupils in your hoops. Since then he teaches in Balta, and comes home for Passover, winds up his work a fortnight earlier, and sometimes manages to hasten back in time for the Shabbos Hoggadol. Hason, did I say? That means when the road is a road, when you can hire a conveyance, and when the bug can either be crossed on the ice or in the ferry boat. But when, for instance, the snow has began to melt, and the mud is deep, when there is no conveyance to be had, when the bug has begun to split the ice, and the ferry boat has not started running, when a skiff means peril of death, and the festival is upon you, what then? It is just nit-goot. Fishel, the teacher, knows the taste of nit-goot. He has had many adventures and mishaps since he became a teacher, and took to fairing from Chastacevot to Balta, and from Balta to Chastacevot. He has tried going more than half way on foot and helped to push the conveyance besides. He has lain in the mud with a priest, the priest on top and he below. He has fled before a pack of wolves who were pursuing the vehicle, and afterwards they turned out to be dogs and not wolves at all. But anything like the trouble on this air of Pesach had never befallen him before. The trouble came before the bug, that is, from the bugs breaking through the ice, and just having its fling when Fishel reached it in a hurry to get home and really in a hurry, because it was already Friday, and Passover Eve, that is, Passover Eve fell on a Sabbath that year. Fishel reached the bug in a gentile conveyance Thursday evening. According to his own reckoning, he should have got there Tuesday morning, because he left Balta Sunday after market, the spirit having moved him to go into the marketplace to spy after a chance conveyance. How much better it would have been to drive with the ankle shagots, a Balta carrier, even at the cart-tail with his legs dangling and shaken to bits. He would have been home long ago by now and have forgotten the discomforts of the journey. But he wanted a cheaper transit, and it is an old saying that cheap things cost dear. Iona the tipler, who procures vehicles in Balta, had said to him, Take my advice, give two roubles and you will ride in Yankles' wagon like a lord. Even if you do have to sit behind the wagon, consider you're playing with fire the festival approaches. But as ill luck would have it, there came along a familiar gentile from Khasta Chevet. A rabbi, you're not wanting a list of Khasta Chevet? How much would the fare be? He thought to ask how much, and he never thought to ask if it would take him home by Passover, because in a week he could have covered the distance walking behind the cart. But as Fischel drove out of the town, he soon began to repent of his choice, even though the wagon was large and he's sitting in it in a very solitary grandeur like any count. He saw that with a horse that dragged itself along in that way there would be no getting far, for they drove the whole day without getting anywhere in particular and however much he worried the peasant to know if they were a long way yet, the only reply he got was, Who can tell? In the evening with a rumble and a shout and a crack of the whip, there came up with them Yankl Shagetz and his four fiery horses jingling with bells and the large coach packed with passengers before and behind. Yankl, catching sight of the teacher in the peasant's cart, gave another loud crack of his whip, ridiculed the peasant, his passenger and his horse, as only Yankl Shagetz knows how and when a little way off he turned and pointed at one of the peasant's wheels. Hello, man! Look out! There's a wheel turning! The peasant stopped the horse and he and the teacher clambered down together and examined the wheels. They crawled underneath the cart and found nothing wrong, nothing at all. Then the peasant understood that Yankl had made a fool of him. He scratched the back of his neck below his collar and then began to abuse Yankl and all the Jews with curses such as Fischl had never heard before. His voice and his anger rose together. May you never know good! May you have a bad year! May you not see the end of it! Bad luck to you! You and your horses and your wife and your daughters and your aunts and your uncles and your parents and nor and all your cursed Jews! It was a long time before the peasant took his seat again nor did he cease to fume against Yankl the driver and all Jews until, with God's help, they reached a village wherein to spend the night. Next morning Fischl rose with the dawn, recited his prayers, a portion of the law and a few psalms, breakfasted on a roll and was ready to set forward. Unfortunately, Cefador, this was the name of the driver, was not ready. Cefador had sat up late with a crony and got drunk and he slept through a whole day and a bit of the night and then only started on his way. Well, Fischl reproved him as they sat in the cart. Well, Cefador, a nice way to behave upon my word. Do you suppose I engaged you for a merry-making? What have you to say for yourself? I should like to know, eh? And Fischl addressed other reproachful words to him and never ceased casting the others laziness between his teeth, partly in Polish, partly in Hebrew, and helping himself out with his hands. Cefador understood quite well what Fischl meant, but he answered him not a word, not a syllable even. No doubt he felt that Fischl was in the right and he was silent as a cat till on the fourth day they met Jankl Shagetz, driving back from Chastka Cevat with a rumble and a crack of his whip who called out to them, you may as well turn back to Balter, the bug has burst the ice. Fischl's heart was like to burst a two, but Cefador, who thought that Jankl was trying to fool him a second time, started repeating his whole list of curses, called down all bad dreams on Jankl's hands and feet and never shut his mouth till they came to the bug on Thursday evening. They drove straight to Prokop Braniuk, the ferryman, to inquire when the ferry boat would begin to run, and the two Gentiles, Cefador and Prokop, took to sipping Brandy while Fischl proceeded to recite the afternoon prayer. The sun was about to set and poured a rosy light onto the high hills that stood on either side of the river and were snow-covered in parts and already green in others and intersected by rivulets that wound their way with murmuring noise down into the river with the water foamed with the broken ice and the increasing thaw. The whole of Chastka Cevat lay before him as on a plate. While the top of the monastery sparkled like a light in the setting sun. Standing to recite the Shimona Esrei with his face towards Chastka Cevat, Fischl turned his eyes away and drove out the idle thoughts and images that had crept into his head. Bathsheba with a new silk kerchief, Freyka with the Gomorrah, Rassel with her plait, the hot bath and the highest bench, and freshly baked motza, together with nice peppered fish and horseradish that goes up your nose, Passover borscht with more motza, a heavenly mixture and all the other good things that Desire is capable of conjuring up. And however often he drove those fancies away, they returned and crept back into his brain like summer flies and disturbed him at his prayers. When Fischl had repeated the Shimona Esrei and Elena, he betook himself to Prokop and entered into conversation with him about the ferry boat and the festival Eve, giving him to understand partly in Polish and partly in Hebrew and partly with his hands what Passover meant to the Jews and Passover Eve falling on a Sabbath and that if, which heaven forbid, he had not crossed the bug by that time tomorrow, he was a lost man. For beside the fact that they were on the lookout for him at home, his wife and children, Fischl gave a sigh that rent the heart, he would not be able to eat or drink for a week and Fischl turned away so that the tears in his eyes should not be seen. Prokop Braniuk quite appreciated Fischl's position and replied that he knew tomorrow was a Jewish festival and even how it was called, he even knew that the Jews celebrated it by drinking wine and strong brandy and he even knew that there was yet another festival at which the Jews drunk brandy and a third when all Jews were obliged to get drunk but he had forgotten its name. Well and good, Fischl interrupted him in a lamentable voice but what is to happen? How if I don't get there? To this Prokop made no reply. He merely pointed with his hand to the river as much as to say, see for yourself and Fischl lifted up his eyes to the river and saw that which he had never seen before and heard that which he had never heard in his life. Because you may say that Fischl had never yet taken in anything out of doors he had only perceived it accidentally, by the way as he had hurried from Cheda to the Bessamidresh and from the Bessamidresh to Cheda. The beautiful blue bug between the two lines of imposing hills the murmur of the winding rivulets as they poured down the hillsides the roar of the ever deepening spring-flow the light of the setting sun the glittering cupola of the convent and the wholesome smell of Passover Evertide out of doors and above all the being so close to home and not being able to get there. All these things lent wings as it were to Fischl's spirit and he was born into a new world a world of imagination and crossing the bug seemed the nearest trifle if only the Almighty were willing to perform a fraction of a miracle on his behalf. Such unlike thoughts floated in and out of Fischl's head and lifted him into the air and so far across the river he never realized that it was night and the stars came out and a cool wind blew in under his cloak to his taliskatan and Fischl was busy with things that he had never so much of dreamt of earthly things and heavenly things the great size of the beautiful world the almighty as creator of the world and so on. Fischl spent a bad night in Prokop's house such a night as he hoped never to spend again. The morning broke with a smile from the bright and cheerful sun it was a singly fine day and so sweetly warm that all the snow left melted into casher and the casher into water and this water poured into the bug from all sides and the bug became clearer light blue, full and smooth and the large bits of ice that looked like dreadful wild beasts like white elephants hurrying and tearing along as if they were afraid of being late grew rarer. Fischl the teacher recited the morning prayer breakfasted on the last piece of leavened bread left in his talisk bag and went out to the river to see about the ferry imagine his feelings when he heard that the ferry boat would not begin running before Sunday afternoon he clapped both hands to his head gesticulated with every limb and fell to abusing Prokop why had he given him hopes that the ferry boat crossing next day whereupon Prokop answered quite coolly that he had said nothing about crossing with the ferry he was talking about taking him across in a small boat and that he could still do if Fischl wished in a sailboat, in a rowboat, in a raft and the fare was not less than one ruble a raft, a rowboat, anything you like only don't let me spend the festival away from home thus Fischl and he was prepared to give him two rubles there and then to give his life for the holy festival and he began to drive Prokop into getting out the raft at once and taking him across in the direction of Chasticevet where Basiba, Freyka and Ressel were already looking out for him it may be they are standing on the opposite hills that they see him and make signs to him waving their hands that they call to him only one can neither see them nor hear their voices because the river is wide, dreadfully wide, wider than ever the sun was already halfway up the deep blue sky when Prokop told Fischl to get into the little trough of a boat and when Fischl heard him he lost all power in his hands and feet and was at a loss what to do for never in his life had he been in a rowboat never in his life had he been in any small boat and it seemed to him the thing had only to dip a little to one side and all would be over jump in and off we'll go said Prokop once more and with the turn of his oar he brought the boat still closer in and took Fischl's bundle out of his hands Fischl the teacher drew his coat skirts neatly together and began performing circles without moving from the spot hesitating whether to jump or not on the one hand we'll pass over Eve, Bathsheba, Freuker, Ressler the bath, the home service, himself as king on the other the peril of death the destroying angel suicide the biggest one dip and goodbye Fischl, peace be upon him and Fischl remained circling there with his folded skirts till Prokop lost patience and said another minute and he should set out and be off to Chastichavit without him at the beloved word Chastichavit Fischl called his dear ones to mind summoned the whole of his courage and fell into the boat I say fell in because the instant his foot touched the bottom of the boat it slipped and Fischl thinking he was falling drew back and this drawing back sent him headlong forward into the boat bottom where he lay stretched out for some minutes before recovering his wits and for a long time after his face was livid and his hands shook while his heart beat like a clock tick tick tick tick tick Prokop, meantime, sat in the prow as though he were at home he spit into his hand gave a stroke with the oar to the left a stroke to the right and the boat glided over the shining water and Fischl's head spun round as he sat as he sat, no, he hung floating, suspended in the air one false movement and that which held him would give way one lean to the side and he would be in the water and done with at this thought the words came into his mind and they sank like lead in the mighty waters and his hair stood on end at the idea of such a death how, not even to be buried with the dead of Israel and he bethought himself to make a vow to to do what, to give money to charity he had none to give, he was a very very poor man so he vowed that if God would bring him home in safety he would sit up whole nights and study go through the whole of the Talmud in one year God willing, with God's help Fischl would dearly have liked to know if it were much further to the other side and found himself seated as though on purpose with his face to Prokop and his back to Chastachevot and he dared not open his mouth to ask it seemed to him that his very voice would cause the boat to rock and one rock, good by Fischl but Prokop opened his mouth of his own accord and began to speak he said there was nothing worse when you were on the water than a thaw it made it impossible he said to row straight ahead one had to adapt one's course to the ice to row round and round and backwards there's a bit of ice making straight for us now thus Prokop and he pulled back and let pass a regular ice flow which swam by with a singular rocking motion and a sound that Fischl had never seen or heard before and then he began to understand what a wild adventure this journey was and he would have given goodness knows what to be safe on shore even on the one they had left oh you see that asked Prokop and pointed upstream Fischl raised his eyes slowly was afraid of moving much and looked and looked and saw nothing but water, water, water there's a big one coming down on us now we must make a dash for it for it's too late to row back so said Prokop and rowed away with both hands and the boat glided and slid like a fish through the water and Fischl felt cold in every limb he would have liked to question but was afraid of interfering however again Prokop spoke of himself if we don't win by a minute it will be the worst for us Fischl can now no longer contain himself and asks how do you mean the worst? we should be done for says Prokop done for? done for how do you mean done for? persists Fischl I mean it will grind us grind us? grind us Fischl does not understand what grind us may signify but it has a sound of finality of the next world about it and Fischl is bathed in a cold sweat and again the words come into his head and they sank like lead in the mighty waters and Prokop as though to quiet our Fischl's mind tells him a comforting story of how years ago at this time the bug broke through the ice and the ferry boat could not be used and they came to him another person to be rode across an excise official from Uman quite a person of distinction and offered a large sum and they had the bad luck to meet two huge pieces of ice and he rode to the right in between the flows intending to slip through upwards and he made an involuntary side motion with the boat and they went flop into the water fortunately he, Prokop, could swim but the official came to grief and the fare money too it was goodbye to my fare ended Prokop with a sigh and Fischl shuddered and his tongue dried up so that he could neither speak nor utter the slightest sound in the middle of the river just as they were rowing along quite smoothly Prokop suddenly stopped and looked and looked up the stream then he laid down the oars drew a bottle out of his pocket tilted it into his mouth sipped out of it two or three times put it back and explained to Fischl that he had always to take a few sips of the bitter drop otherwise he felt bad when on the water and he wiped his mouth took the oars again and said having crossed himself three times now for a race a race? with whom? with what? Fischl did not understand and was afraid to ask but again he felt the brush of the death angel's wing for Prokop had gone down on to his knees and was rowing with might and main moreover he said to Fischl and pointed to the bottom of the boat Rebbe, lie down Fischl understood that he was to lie down and did not need to be told twice for now he had seen a whole host of flows coming down upon them a world of ice and he shut his eyes flung himself face downwards in the boat and lay trembling like a lamb and recited in a low voice here oh Israel and the confession and thought of the graves of Israel and fancied that now now he lies in the abyss of the waters now, now comes a fish and swallows him like Jona the prophet when he went to Tarshish and he remembers Jona's prayer and sings softly with tears a farphone moim at Norfisch the waters have reached unto my soul to home you're so veiny the deep hath covered me Fischl the teacher sang and wept thought pitifully of his widowed wife and his orphaned children and Prokop rode for all he was worth and sang his little song oh thou maiden with the black lashes and Prokop felt the same on the water as on dry land Fischl's a fafumi and Prokop's oh maiden blended into one and a strange song sounded over the bug a kind of duet which had never been heard there before the black ear knows why he is so afraid of death that Jew so wondered Prokop Baranyak a poor tattered little Jew like him a creature I would not give this old boat for so afraid of death the shore reached Prokop gave Fischl a shove in the side with his boot and Fischl started the Gentile burst out laughing but Fischl did not hear Fischl went on reciting the confession and saying caddish for his own soul and mentally contemplating the graves of Israel get up you silly Rebbe we're there in Hustachevot slowly slowly Fischl raised his head and gazed around him with a red swollen eyes Hustachevot Hustachevot give me the rubble Rebbe Fischl crawls out of the boat and finding himself really at home does not know what to do for joy shall he run into the town shall he go dancing shall he first thank and praise God who has brought him safe out of such great peril he pays the Gentile his fare takes up his bundle under his arm and is about to run home the quicker the better but he pauses a moment first and turns to Prokop the Perriman listen Prokop dear heart tomorrow please God you'll come and drink a glass of brandy and taste festival fish at Fischl the teachers for heaven's sake shall I say no am I such a fool? replied Prokop licking his lips in anticipation at the thought of the Passover brandy he would sip and the festival fish he would delicate himself with on the morrow and Prokop gets back into his boat and pulls quietly home again singing a little song and pitying the poor Jew who was so afraid of death the Jewish faith is the same as the Talmudan and it seems to him a very foolish one and Fischl is thinking almost the same thing and pities the Gentile on account of his religion what knows he your poor Gentile of such holy promises as were made to us Jews the beloved people and Fischl the teacher hastens up hill through the Chastacevot mud he perspires with the exertion and yet he does not feel the ground beneath his feet he flies, he floats he is going home home to his dear ones who are on the watch for him as for the Messiah who look for him to return in health to seat himself upon his kingly throne and reign look Jews and turn respectfully aside Fischl the teacher has come home to Chastacevot and seated himself upon the throne of his kingdom and of Fischl the teacher by Sholom elechem section 13 of Yiddish tales this LibriVox recording is in the public domain Yiddish tales translated by Helena Frank and read by Adrian Pretzelis section 13 an easy fast by Sholom elechem that which Dr. Tanner failed to accomplish was effectively carried out by Chaim Chaykin a simple Jew in a small town in Poland Dr. Tanner wished to show that a man can fast 40 days and he only managed to get through 28 no more and that with people pouring spoonfuls of water into his mouth and giving him morsels of ice to swallow and holding his pulse a whole business Chaim Chaykin has proved that one can fast more than 40 days not as a rule two together one after the other but 40 days if not more in the course of a year to fast is all he asks who said drops of water who said ice not for him to fast means no food and no drink from one set time to the other a real four and twenty hours and no doctors sit beside him and hold his pulse whispering hush be quiet well let us hear the tale Chaim Chaykin is a very poor man encumbered with many children and they the children support him they are mostly girls and they work in a factory and make cigarette wrappers and they earn some one golden others half a golden a day and that not every day so how about Sabbaths and festivals and strike days one should thank God for everything their out of the way little town strikes are all the fashion and out of that they have to pay rent for a damp corner in a basement and to buy clothes and shoes for a lot of them they have a dress each but they are two to every pair of shoes and then food such as it is a bit of bread smeared with an onion sometimes grotes occasionally there's a bit of taran that burns your heart out so that after eating it for supper you can drink a whole night when it comes to eating the bread has to be portioned out like cake ay docesan docesan seers las chayke Chaim Chaykin's wife a poor sick creature who coughs all night long no evil eye says the father and looks at his children devouring whole slices of bread and would dearly like to take a mouthful himself only if he does so the two little ones Fredka and Bilka will go supple-less and he cuts his portion of bread in two and gives it to the little ones Fredka and Bilka Fredka and Bilka stretch out their little thin black hands look into their father's eyes and don't believe him perhaps he's joking children are nashes they play with their father's piece of bread till at last they begin taking bites out of it the mother sees and exclaims coughing all the while it is nothing but eating and stuffing the father cannot bear to hear it and is about to answer her but he keeps silent he can't say anything it is not for him to speak who is he in the house a broken pot shirt the last and least no good to anyone no good to them no good to himself because the fact is he does nothing absolutely nothing not because he won't do anything or because it doesn't befit him but because there is nothing to do and there's an end to it the whole town that complains of there being nothing to do it's just a crowd of Jews driven together delightful their packs like herrings in a barrel they squeeze each other close all for love well a day thinks hiking it's something to have children other people haven't even that but to depend on one's children is quite another thing and not a happy one not that they grudge him his keep heaven forbid but he cannot take it from them he really cannot he knows how hard they work he knows how the strength is rung out of them to the last drop he knows it well every morsel of bread is a bit of their health and strength he drinks his children's blood no the thought is too dreadful tatinka why don't you eat? ask the children a day is a faster day with me answers chayim chaykin another fast how many fasts have you? not so many as there are days in the week and chayim chaykin speaks the truth when he says that he has many fasts and yet there are days on which he eats but he likes the days on which he fasts better first they are pleasing to god and it means a little bit more of the world to come the interest grows and the capital grows with it secondly he thinks no money is wasted on me of course i am accountable to no one and nobody ever questions me as to how i spend it but what do i want money for i can get along without it and what is the good of feeling oneself a little higher than a beast a beast eats every day but i can go without food for one or two days a man should be above a beast oh if a man could only raise himself to a level where he could live without eating at all but there are ones can found it inside so thinks Haim Kaikin for hunger has made a philosopher of him the insides the necessity of eating these are the causes of the world's evil the insides and the necessity of eating have made a pauper of me and drive my children to toil in the sweat of their brow and risk their lives for a bit suppose a man had no need to eat hey hey hey my children would all stay at home and enter toil and enter moll and enter striking and enter the risking of life and enter factory and factory owners to rich men and paupers and enter jealousy and hatred and fighting and shedding of blood all gone and done with gone and done with a paradise a paradise so reasons Haim Kaikin and lost in speculation he pities the world and is grieved to the heart to think that God should have made man so little above the beast the day on which Haim Kaikin fasts is as I told you his best day and a real fast day like the 9th of Ab, for example he is ashamed to confess it is a festival for him you see it means not to eat not to be a beast not to be guilty of the children's blood to earn the reward of a mitzvah and to weep to heart's content on the ruin of the temple for how can one weep when one is full how can a full man grieve only he can grieve whose soul is faked within him the good year knows how some folk answer it to their conscience giving in to their insides afraid of fasting by the macrosion worth of oats for charity's sake thus would Haim Kaikin shorn those who bought themselves off the fast and dropped a hard coin into the collecting box the 9th of Av is the hardest fast of all so the world has it Haim Kaikin cannot see why the days long is it then the night is all the shorter it's hot out of doors is it who asks you to go loitering the sun sit in the shul and recite the prayers of which, thank god there are plenty I tell you persists Haim Kaikin that the 9th of Av is the easiest of the fasts because it is the best the very best for instance take the day of atonement fast it is written and you shall mortify your bodies what for to get a clean bill and a new year it doesn't say that you are to fast on the 9th of Av but you fast of your own accord because how could you eat on a day when the temple was wrecked and Jews were killed women ripped up and children dashed to pieces it doesn't say that you are to weep 9th of Av but you do weep how could anyone restrain his tears when he thinks of what we lost that day the pity is there should be only one 9th of Av says Haim Kaikin well and the 17th of Tammuz suggests someone and there is only 117th of Tammuz answers Haim Kaikin with a sigh well and the fast of Godalia and the fast of Esther continues the same person only one of each and Haim Kaikin sighs again eh Reb Kaim you are greedy for fasts are you more fasts says Haim Kaikin and he takes upon himself to fast on the eve of the 9th of Av as well two days at a stretch what do you think of fasting two days in succession isn't that a treat it's hard enough to have to break one's fast after the 9th of Av without eating on the eve thereof as well one forgets that one has insides that such a thing exists as the necessity to eat and one is free of the habit that drags one down to the level of the beast the difficulty lies in the drinking I mean in the not drinking if I thinks Haim Kaikin allowed myself one glass of water a day I could fast a whole week till Sabbath you think I say that for fun not at all Haim Kaikin is a man of his word when he says a thing it's said and done the whole week preceding the 9th of Av he ate nothing he lived on water who should notice his wife poor thing is sick children are out all day in the factory and the younger ones do not understand Fradka and Bielka know only when they are hungry and they are always hungry the heart yearns within them and they want to eat today you shall have an extra piece of bread says the father and cuts his own in two and Fradka and Bielka wash out their dirty little hands for it and are overjoyed Tatinka you are not eating remark the older girls at supper this is not a fast day and no more do I fast replies the father and thinks that was a take in but not a lie because after all a glass of water that is not eating and not fasting either when it comes to the eve of the 9th of Av Chaim feels so light and airy as he never felt before not because it is time to prepare for the fast by taking a meal not because he may eat on the contrary he feels that if he took anything solid into his mouth it would not go down but stick in his throat that is his heart is very sick and his hands and feet shake his body is attracted earth woods his strength fails he feels like fainting but fair what an idea to fast a whole week to arrive at the eve of the 9th of Av not hold out to the end never and Chaim Haikin takes his portion of bread and potato and calls Fradka and Bielka and whispers children take this and eat it but don't let mother see and Fradka and Bielka take their father's share of food and look wondering at his livid face and shaking hands Chaim sees the children snatch at the bread and munch and swallow and he shuts his eyes and rises from his place he cannot wait for the other girls to come home from the factory but takes his book of lamentations puts off his shoes and drags himself it is all he can do to the shul he is nearly the first to arrive he secures a seat next to the reader on an overturned bench lying with its feet in the air and provides himself with a bit of burned down candle which he glues with its drippings to the foot of the bench leans against the corner of the platform opens his book Lament for Zion and all other towns and he closes his eyes and sees Tzion robed in black veil over her face lamenting and weeping and ringing her hands mourning for her children who fall daily daily in foreign lands for other men's sins and wilt not thou O Tzion ask of me some tidings of the children from thee ref'd I bring thee greetings over land and sea from those remaining from the remnant left he opens his eyes and sees a bright sunbeam has darted in through the dull dusty window-pane a beam of the sun which is setting yonder behind the town and though he shuts them again he still sees the beam and not only the beam but the whole sun the bright beautiful sun and no one can see it but him Chaim Chaikin looks at the sun and sees it and that's all how is it? it must be because he has done with the world and its necessities he feels happy he feels light he can bear anything he will have an easy fast do you know easy fast and easy fast Chaim Chaikin shuts his eyes and sees a strange world a new world such as he never saw before angels seem to hover before his eyes and he looks at them and recognises his children in them all his children big and little and he wants to say something to them he wants to speak he wants to explain to them that he cannot help it it is not his fault how should it no evil eye be his fault that so many Jews are gathered together in one place and squeeze each other all for love squeeze each other to death for love how can he help it if people desire other people's sweat other people's blood if people have not learned to see that one should not drive a man as a horse is driven to work that a horse is also to be pitted one of God's creatures a living thing and Chaim Chaikin keeps his eyes shut and sees everything and everything is bright and curls like smoke and he feels something is going out of him from inside from his heart and is drawn upward and loses itself from the body and he feels very light very very light and he gives a sigh a long deep sigh and feels still lighter and sad he feels nothing at all absolutely nothing at all yes he has an easy fast when Bear the Shamus a red-headed Jew with thick lips came into the shawl in his socks with the worn down heels and saw Chaim Chaikin leaning with his head back and his eyes open he was angry and Chaim was dozing and he began to grumble he ought to be ashamed of himself reclining like that came here for a nap did he excuse me but Chaim Chaikin did not hear him the last rays of the sun streamed in through the shawl window right onto Chaim Chaikin's quiet face with the black shining curly hair the black bushy brows the half open black kindly eyes and lit the dead pale still hungry face through and through I told you how it would be Chaim Chaikin had an easy fast end of chapter 13 an easy fast by Sholam Aleichem section 14 of Yiddish Tales this LibriVox recording is in the public domain Yiddish Tales translated by Helen of Frank and read by Adrian Pretzelis section 14 The Passover Guest by Sholam Aleichem part 1 I have a Passover Guest for you Reb Yona such a Guest as you never had since you became a householder what sort is he a real oriental citron what does that mean it means a silken Jew a person of distinction the only thing against him is he doesn't speak our language what does he speak then Hebrew is he from Jerusalem I don't know where he comes from but his words are full of Ars such was the conversation that took place between my father and the Shamis a day before Passover and I was wild with curiosity to see the Guest who didn't understand Yiddish and who talked with Ars I had already noticed in synagogue a strange looking individual in a fur cap and a Turkish robe striped blue, red and yellow we boys crowded around him on all sides and stared and then caught it hot from the Shamis who said children had no business to creep into a stranger's face like that prayers over a stranger and wished him a happy Passover and he with a sweet smile on his red cheeks sat in a round grey beard replied to each one Shalom Shalom instead of our Shalom this Shalom Shalom of his sent us boys into fits of laughter the Shamis grew very angry and pursued us with slaps we eluded him and stole deviously back to the stranger and listened to his Shalom Shalom exploded with laughter and escaped anew from the hands of the beetle I am puffed up with pride as I follow my father and his guest into our house and feel how all my comrades envy me they stand looking after us and every now and then I turn my head and put out my tongue at them the walk home is silent when we arrive my father greets my mother with a happy Passover and the guest nods his head so that his fur cap shakes Shalom Shalom he says I think of my comrades and hide my head under the table not to burst out laughing but I shoot continual glances at the guest and his appearance pleases me I like his Turkish robe striped yellow red and blue his fresh red cheeks set in a curly grey beard his beautiful black eyes that look out so pleasantly from beneath his bushy eyebrows and I see that my father is pleased with him too that he is delighted with him my mother looks at him as though he were something more than a man and no one speaks to him but my father who offers him the cushioned reclining seat at table mother is taken up with preparations for the Passover meal and Rykel the maid is helping her it is only when the time comes for saying kiddish that my father and the guest hold a Hebrew conversation I am proud to find that I understand nearly every word of it here it is in full my father that means won't you please say kiddish the guest meaning say it rather yourself my father why not you the guest why should I my father you first the guest you first my father I beg of you to say it the guest I beg of you my father why should you refuse the guest no if you insist then I must and the guest took a cup of wine from my father's hand and recited a kiddish but what a kiddish a kiddish such as we had never heard before and shall never hear again first the Hebrew all ours secondly the voice which seemed to come not out of his beard Turkish robe I thought of my comrades how they would have laughed and what slaps would have rained down had they been present at that kiddish being alone I was able to contain myself I asked my father the munishtuna and we all recited the Haggadah together and I was elated to think that such a guest was ours and no one else's part two our sage who wrote that one should not talk at meals may he forgive me for saying so did not know Jewish life when shall a Jew find time to talk if not during a meal especially at Passover where there is so much to say before the meal and after it brykel the maid handed the water by hands repeated the broche mother helped us to fish and my father turned up his sleeves and started a long Hebrew talk with the guest he began with the first question one Jew asks another what is your name to which the guest replied all in ours and all in one breath Isaac Bakar Gashal Tafaf Tatsats my father remained with his fork in the air staring in amazement at the possessor of so long a name I coughed and looked under the table and my mother said Bavala you should be careful eating fish or you might be choked with a bone while she gazed at our guest with awe she appeared overcome by his name though unable to understand it my father who understood thought it necessary to explain it to her you see Ayak Bakar that is our aleph base inverted it is apparently they're accustomed to name people after the alphabet aleph base aleph base repeated the guest with the sweet smile on his red cheeks black eyes rested on us all including Raikul the maid in the most friendly fashion having learnt his name my father was anxious to know whence from what land he came I understood this from the names of countries and towns which I caught and from what my father translated for my mother giving her a Yiddish version of nearly every phrase and my mother was quite overcome every single thing she heard and Raikul the maid was overcome likewise and no wonder it is not every day that a person comes from perhaps 2,000 miles away from a land only to be reached across seven seas and a desert the desert journey alone requiring 40 days and nights and when you get near to the land you have to climb a mountain the top reaches into the clouds and this is covered with ice and red for winds blow there so that there is peril of death but once the mountain is safely climbed and the land is reached one beholds a terrestrial Eden spices, cloves, herbs and every kind of fruit apples, pears and oranges grapes, dates and olives nuts and quantities of figs and the houses there are all built of deal and roofed with silver the furniture is gold here the guest cast a look at our silver cups spoons, forks and knives and brilliance pearls and diamonds bestrew the roads and nobody cares to take the trouble of picking them up they are of no value there looking at my mother's diamond earrings and at the pearls round her white neck you hear that my father asked her with a happy face I hear she answered and added why don't they bring some over here they could make money by it ask him there to Yona my father did so and translated the answer for my mother's benefit you see when you arrive there you may take what you like but when you leave the country you must leave everything in it behind too and if they shake out of you no matter what you are done for what do you mean questioned my mother terrified I mean they either hang you on a tree or they stone you with stones part 3 the more tales our guest told us the more thrilling they became and just as we were finishing the dumplings and taking another sip or two of wine my father inquired to whom the country belonged was there a king there and soon he was translating with great delight the following reply the country belongs to the Jews who live there and they are called Zephardim and they have a king also a Jew and a very pious one who wears a fur cap and who is called Yoseph Ben Yoseph he is the high priest of the Zephardim and drives out in a gilded carriage drawn by six fiery horses and when he enters the synagogue the Levites meet him with songs there are Levites who sing in your synagogue asked my father wondering and the answer caused his face to shine with joy what do you think he said to my mother our guest tells me that in his country there is a temple with priests and Levites and an organ well and an altar questioned my mother and my father told her he says they have an altar and sacrifices he says and golden vessels everything just as we used to have it in Jerusalem and with these words my father sighs deeply and my mother as she looks at him sighs also and I cannot understand the reason surely we should be proud and glad to think that we have such a land ruled over by a Jewish king and high priest a land with Levites and an organ with an altar and sacrifices and bright sweet thoughts informed me and carry me away as on wings to that happy Jewish land where the houses are of pine wood and roofed with silver where the furniture is gold and diamonds and pearls lie scattered in the street and I feel sure were I really there I should know what to do I should know how to hide things they would shake nothing out of me I should certainly bring home a lovely present for my mother diamond earrings and several pearl necklaces I look at the one mother is wearing at her earrings and I feel a great desire to be in that country and it occurs to me that after Passover I will travel there with our guest secretly no one shall know I will only speak of it to our guest open my heart to him tell him the whole truth and beg him to take me there if only for a little while he will certainly do so he is a very kind and approachable person he looks at everyone even at Rykel the maid in such a friendly such a very friendly way so I think and it seems to me as I watch our guest that he has read my thoughts and that his beautiful black eyes say to me keep it dark little friend wait till after Passover then we shall manage it part 4 I dreamt all night long I dreamt of a desert a temple a high priest and a tall mountain I climb the mountain diamonds and pearls grow on the trees and my comrades sit on the boughs and shake the jewels down onto the ground whole showers of them and I stand and gather them and stuff them into my pockets and strange to say however many I stuff in there is still room I stuff and stuff and still there is room I put my hand into my pocket and draw out not pearls and brilliance but fruits of all kinds apples, pears oranges, olive dates, nuts and figs this makes me very unhappy and I toss from side to side then I dream of the temple I hear the priests chant and the Levites sing and the organ play I want to go inside and I cannot Rykel the maid has hold of me and will not let me go I beg of her and scream and cry and again I am very unhappy and toss from side to side I wake and see my father and mother standing there half dressed both pale my father hanging his head and my mother ringing her hands and with her soft eyes full of tears I feel at once that something has gone very wrong very wrong indeed but my childish head is incapable of imagining the greatness of the disaster the fact is this the guest from beyond the desert and the seven seas has disappeared and a lot of things have disappeared with him all the silver wine cups all the silver spoons, knives and forks all of my mother's ornaments all of the money that happened to be in the house and also Rykel the maid a pang goes through my heart not on account of the silver cups the silver spoons, knives and forks that have vanished not on account of mother's ornaments or of the money still less on account of Rykel the maid a good riddance but because of the happy happy land whose roads were strewn with brilliance, pearls and diamonds because of the temple with the priests the Levites and the organ because of the altar and the sacrifices because of all the other beautiful things that have been taken from me taken, taken, taken I turn my face to the wall and cry quietly to myself end of The Passover Guest by Sholom Alechem section 15 of Yiddish Tales Sibrivox recording is in the public domain Yiddish Tales translated by Helena Frank and read by Adrian Pretzelis section 15 Gim Nasi secondary school by Sholom Alechem a man's worst enemy I tell you will never do him the harm he does himself especially when a woman interferes that is a wife whom do you think I have in mind when I say that my own self look at me and think what would you take me for just an ordinary Jew it doesn't say on my nose whether I have money or not or whether I am very low indeed does it it may be that I once had money and not only that but I can tell you I earned a living and that respectively and quietly without worry and flurry not like some people who like to live in a world no my motto is more haste less speed I traded quietly went bankrupt a time or two quietly and quietly went back to work again but there is a god in the world and he blessed me with a wife as she isn't here we can speak openly a wife like any other that is at first glance she isn't so bad not at all in person no evil eye twice my height not an ugly woman quite a beauty you may say a man and that's the whole trouble it isn't good when the wife is a man the Almighty knew what he was about when at the creation he formed Adam first and then Eve but what's the use of telling her that when she says if the Almighty created Adam first and then Eve that is a fair but if he put more scent into my feel than into your head no more am I to blame for that what is all this about say I it's about that which should be first and foremost with you says she but I have to be the one to think of everything even about sending the boy to the gimnasi where say I is it written that my boy should go to the gimnasi can I not afford to have him talk to her at home I've told you a hundred and fifty times says she that you won't persuade me to go against the world and the world says she has decided that children should go to the gimnasi in my opinion say I the world is mad and you says she are the only sane person in it a pretty thing it would be says she if the world were to follow you every man say I should decide on his own course if my enemies says she and my friends enemies had as little in pocket and bag in box and chest as you have in your head the world would be a different place woe to the man say I who needs to be advised by his wife woe to the wife says she who has that man to her husband now if you can argue with a woman who when you say one thing maintains the contrary when you give her one word treats you to a dozen and who if you bid her shut up cries or even I beg of you faints well I envy you that's all up and down this way and that she got the best of it she not I because the fact is when she wants a thing it has to be well what next give nasty the first thing was to prepare the boy for the elementary class I must say I did not see anything very alarming in that it seemed to me that any one of the boys an alphabets scholar could tuck it all in his belt especially a boy like mine for who's equal you might search an empire and not find him I am a father not of you be it said but that boy has a memory that beats everything to cut a long story short he went up for the examination and did not pass you ask the reason he only got a two arithmetic they said he was weak at calculation in the science of mathematics what do you think of that he has a memory that beats everything I tell you you might search an empire for his like and they come talking to me about mathematics well he failed to pass and it vexed me very much if he was to go up for examination let him succeed however being a man not a woman I made up my mind to it it's a misfortune but a Jew is used to that only what was the use of talking to her with that be in her bonnet once for all gimnasee I reason with her tell me say I may you be well what is the good of it he's safe say I from military service being the only son and as for Pannosa living the devil I need it for Pannosa what do I care if he does become a trader like his father a merchant like the rest of the Jews if he is destined to become a rich man a banker I don't see that I'm to be pitted thus do I reason with her as with the wall so much the better I see if he has not been entered for the junior preparatory what now say I now says she he can go direct to the senior preparatory well senior preparatory there's nothing so terrible in that for the boy has a head I tell you you might search an empire and what was the result well what do you suppose another two instead of a five not in mathematics this time a fresh calamity his spelling is not what it should be that is he can spell alright but he gets a bit mixed up with the two Russian ease that is he puts them in right enough why shouldn't he only not in their proper places well there's a misfortune for you I guess I won't find the way to a fair if the child cannot put the ease where they belong when they brought the good news she turned the town inside out ran to the director declared that the boy could do it to prove it let him be had up again they paid her as much attention as if she were last year's snow put a two and another sort of two with a dash call me nutcrackers but there was a commotion failed again say I to her and if so say I what is to be done are we to commit suicide a Jew say I is used to that sort of thing upon which she fired up and blazed away and stormed and scolded as only she can but I let you off he poor child was in a pitiable state talk of cruelty to animals just think the other boys in little white buttons and not he I reason with him you little fool what does it matter whoever heard of an examination of which everyone passed someone must stay home mustn't they then why not you there's really nothing to make a fuss about my wife over hearing goes off into a fresh fury and falls upon me a fine comforter you are says she who asked you to console him with that sort of nonsense you'd better see about getting him a proper teacher says she a private teacher a Russian for grammar you hear that now I must have two teachers for him one teacher and a Rebbe are not enough up and down this way and that way she got the best of it as usual what next we engaged a second teacher a Russian this time not a Jew preserve us but a real Gentile because grammar in the first class let me tell you is no trifle no shredded horseradish grammatica indeed the two ease well I was telling about the teacher that God sent us for our sins it's enough to make one blush to remember the way he treated us as though we had been the mud under his feet laughed at us to our face he did devil take him and the one and only thing he could teach him was TASNOC TASNOCA TASNOCU TASNOCOM if it hadn't been for her I should have had him by the throat and out into the street with his blessed grammar but to her it was all right and as it should be now the boy will know which E to put if you believe me they tormented him through that whole winter for he was not to be had up for slaughter till about shivuos shivuos over he went up for examination and this time he brought home no more twos but a four and a five there was great joy we congratulate we congratulate wait a bit don't be in such a hurry with your congratulations we don't know yet for certain whether he has got in or not we shall not know till August why not till August why not before go and ask them what is to be done a Jew is used to that sort of thing August and I gave a glance out of the corner of my eye she was up and doing from the director to the inspector from the inspector to the director why are you running from shuman into banin like a poisoned mouse you asking why says she aren't you a native of this place you don't seem to know how it is nowadays with the gimnasis and the percentages and what came of it he did not pass you ask why because he hadn't two fives if he had had two fives then they say he would have got in you hear perhaps how do you like that perhaps well I'll let you off what I had to bear from her as for him the little boy it was pitiful lay with his face in the cushion and never stop crying till we promised him another teacher and we got him a student from the gimnasi itself to prepare him for the second class but after quite another fashion because the second class is no joke in the second besides mathematics and grammar they require geography penmanship and I couldn't for the life of me say what else I should have thought a bit of the mahasho was a bit more difficult thing than all their studies put together and very likely had more sense in it too but what would you have do learns to put up with things in fine there commenced a series of lessons of al-Raki we rose early the al-Raki prayers and breakfast over the al-Raki a whole day al-Raki we heard him late at night drumming it over and over nominative, dative instrumental, vocative it grated so on my ears I could hardly bear it eat, sleep, not he taking a poor creature and tormenting it like that all for nothing I call it cruelty to animals the child, say I will be ill bite off your tongue, says she I was nowhere and he went up a second time to the slaughter and brought home nothing but fives why not, I tell you he has a head there isn't his like and such a boy for study as never was always at it day and night and repeating to himself between a while that's alright then is it was it alright when it came to the point and they hung out the names of all the children who were really entered we looked mine wasn't there then there was a screaming and a commotion what a shame and nothing but fives now look at her now see her go see her run, see her do this and that in short she went and she ran and she did this and that and the other until at last they begged her not to worry them any longer that is to tell you the truth between ourselves they turned her out yes and after they had turned her out then it was she burst into the house and showed for the first time as it were what she was worth pray said she what sort of a father are you if you were a good father an affectionate father like other fathers you would have found favour with the director patronage recommendations this that like a woman wasn't it it's not enough apparently for me to have my head full of terms and seasons and fares and notes and bills of exchange and protests and all the rest of it do you want me say I to take over your gimnasi in your classes things I am sick of already do you suppose she listened to what I said she listen she just kept at it she soared and filed like a worm day and night day and night if your wife says she were a wife and your child a child if I were only of so much account in this house well say I what would happen you would lie says she I says she would bury you three times a day so that you should never rise again how do you like that kind wasn't it that how goes the saying was pouring a pail full of water over a husband for the sake of peace of course you'll understand that I was not silent either because after all I'm no more than a man and every man has his feelings I assure you you needn't envy me and in the end she carried the day as usual well what next I began currying favour getting up an acquaintance trying this and that I had to lower myself in people's eyes and swallow slights for everyone asked questions and they have every right to do so you Reb Aron they say are a householder and inherited a little something from your father what good year is taking you about to places where a Jew had better not be seen was I to go and tell them I had a wife may she live 120 years with this on her brain gimnasi gimnasi gimnasii I much good may it do you am as you see no more unlucky than most people and with God's help I made my way and got where I wanted right up to the nobleman into his cabinet yes and sat down with him there to talk it over thank heaven I can talk to any noble man I don't need to have my tongue loosened for me I do for you he asks and bids me to be seated say I and whisper in his ear my lord say I we say I are not rich people but we have say I a boy and he wishes to study and I say I wish it too but my wife wishes it very much says he to me again what is it you want say I to him an edge a bit closer my dear lord say I we say I are not rich people but we have say I a small fortune and one remarkably clever boy who say I wishes to study and I say I also wish it but my wife wishes it very much and I squeeze that very much so that he may understand but he's a gentile and slow witted and he doesn't twig and this time he asks angrily then whatever is it you want I quietly put my hand into my pocket and quietly take it out again and I say quietly pardon me we say I are not rich people but we have a little say I fortune and one remarkably clever boy who say I wishes to study and I say I wish it also but my wife say I wishes it very much indeed and I take and press into his hand and this time yes he understood and went and got a notebook and asked my name and my son's name and which class I wanted him entered for oh ho lies the wind that way think I to myself and I give him to understand that I'm called cats her own cats and my son Moshka we call him and I want to get him into the third class says he to me if I am cats and my son is Moshka we call him and he wants to get into class 3 I am to bring him in January and he will certainly be passed you hear and understand quite another thing apparently the horse trots as we shoe him first is having to wait but what is to be done when they say wait one waits a Jew is used to waiting January a fresh commotion a scampering to and fro tomorrow there will be a consultation the director and the inspector and all the teachers of the gimnasi will come together and it's only after the consultation that we shall know if he is entered or not the time for action has come and my wife is everywhere but at home no hot meals, no samovar no nothing she is in the gimnasi that is not in the gimnasi but at it walking around and round it in the frost from first thing in the morning waiting for them to begin coming away from the consultation the frost bites there is a tearing east wind and she paces round and round the building and waits once a woman always a woman it seemed to me that when people have made a promise it is surely sacred especially you understand but who would reason with a woman well she waited one hour she waited two waited three waited four all the children were all home long ago and she waited on she waited much good mate do you till she got what she was waiting for a door opens and out comes one of the teachers she springs and sees his hold of him does he know the result of the consultation why says he should he not they have passed altogether twenty-five children twenty-three Christian and two Jewish says she who are they says he one a Sheffelson and one a cats at the name cats my wife shoots home like an arrow from the bow and bursts into the room in triumph good news good news past past and there are tears in her eyes I am pleased too but I don't feel called upon to go dancing being a man not a woman it's evidently not much you care says she to me what makes you think that say I this says she you sit there cold as a stone if you knew how impatient the child is you would have taken him long ago to the tailors and ordered his little uniform says she and a satchel says she and made a little banquet for our friends why a banquet all of a sudden say I is there a bar mitzvah is there an engagement I say all this quite quietly for after all I am a man not a woman she grew so angry that she stopped talking and when a woman stops talking it's a thousand times worse than when she scolds because so long as she is scolding at least you hear the sound of the human voice otherwise it's talk to the wall to put it briefly she got her way she not I as usual there was a banquet we invited our friends and our good friends and my boy was dressed up from head to foot in a very smart uniform with white buttons and a cap with a badge in front quite the district governor and it did one's heart good to see him poor child there was new life in him he was so happy and he shone I tell you like the July sun the company drank to him and wished him joy might he study in health and finish the course in health till he reached the university it say I we can do is less let him only complete the 8th classes in the gymnast he say I and please God I'll make a bridegroom of him with God's help cries my wife smiling and fixing me with her eye the while tell him says she that he's wrong he says she keeps to the old fashioned cut tell her from me say I that I'm blessed if the old fashioned cut wasn't better than the new says she tell him that he may he forgive me is the company burst out laughing I say they you have a wife who is a cossack and not a wife at all meanwhile they emptied their wine glasses and cleared their plates and we were what is called lively I and my wife were what is called taken into the boat the little one in the middle and we made merry till daylight that morning early we took him to the gymnasium it was very early indeed the door was shut not a soul to be seen standing outside in the frost we were glad enough when the door opened and they let us in directly after that the small fry began to arrive with their satchels and there was a noise and a commotion and a chatter and a laughing and a scampering to and fro a regular fare school boys jumped over one another gave each other punches pokes and pinches as I looked at these young hopefuls with their red cheeks with the merry red laughing eyes I called to mind our former narrow dark and gloomy Haida of long ago years and I saw that after all she was right she might be a woman but she had a man's head on her shoulders and as I reflected thus there came along an individual in guilt buttons who turned out to be a teacher and asked what I wanted I pointed to my boy and I had come to bring him to Haida that is to the gimnasi he asked to which class I tell him the third and that he has only just been entered he asks his name say I cats that is moshka cats says he he has no moshka cats in the third class there is said he a cat only not a moshka cats but a mordoch cats say I what mordoch moshka not mordoch mordoch he repeats and thrust the paper into my face I to him moshka and he to me mordoch in short mordoch moshka so to me until th dormir comes out a fine tale than which should have been mine is another's do you see what a cat voud a fis are regularentile muddle yes but by misaake another not ours there wold there were 2 cat is in our town I have made a bed will lie in it. No, but you ought to know who the other is, that cat, I mean. A nothing of a nobody, an artisan, a book-binder or a carpenter, quite a harmless little man, but whoever heard of him, a pauper, and his son, yes, and mine, no. Is that enough to disgust one, I ask you? And you should have seen that poor boy of mine when he was told to take the badge off his cap. No bride on her wedding day needs shed more tears than were his, and no matter how I reasoned with him, whether I coaxed or scolded, you see, I said to her, what you have done. Didn't I tell you that your gim-narcy was a slaughter-house for him? I only trust this may have a good ending, that he won't fall ill. Let my enemies, said she, fall ill if they like. My child, says she, must enter the gim-narcy. If he hasn't got in this time in a year, please God, he will. If he hasn't got in, says she, here, he will get in in another town, he must get in. One wise, says she, I shall shut an eye, and the earth shall cover me. You hear what she said? And who do you suppose had his way, she or I? When she sets her heart on a thing, can there be any question? Well, I won't make a long story of it. I hunted up and down with him, we went to the ends of the world, wherever there was a town and a gim-narcy, dither we went. We went up for examination and were examined. We passed and passed high and did not get in. And why? All because of the percentage. You may believe I looked upon my own self as crazy those days. Wretch, what is this? What is this flying that you fly from one town to another? What good is to come of it? And suppose he does get in? What then? No, say what you will, ambition is a great thing. In the end it took hold of me too, and the Almighty had compassion and sent me a gim-narcy in Poland, a commercial one where they took in one Jew to every Christian. It came to fifty percent. But what then? Any Jew who wished his son to enter must bring his Christian with him, and if he passes that is the Christian, and one pays his entrance fee, then there is hope. Instead of one bundle, one has two on one's shoulders, you understand. Besides being worn with anxiety about my own, I had to tremble for the other, because if Esau, which heaven forbid, failed to pass, it's all over with Jacob. And what I went through before I got that Christian, a shoemaker's son, Holiava, his name was, is not to be described, and the best of all was this. Would you believe that my shoemaker, planted in the earth, firmly as Korach, insisted on Bible teaching? There was nothing for it, but my son had to sit down beside his and repeat the Old Testament. How came a son of mine to the Old Testament? Don't ask. He can do everything and understands everything. With God's help the happy day arrived, and they both passed. Is my story finished? Not quite. When it came to there being entered in the books to writing out a check, my Christian was not to be found. What has happened? He, the Gentile, doesn't care for his son to be among so many Jews. He won't hear of it. Why should he, seeing that all doors are open to him anyhow, and he can get in where he pleases? Tell him it isn't fair? How much good would that be? Look here, say I, how much do you want, Pani Holiava? Says he, nothing. To cut the tale short, up and down, this way and that, and friends and people interfering, we had him off to a refreshment place, and ordered a glass, and two and three, before it all came out right. Once he was really in, I cried my eyes out, and thanks be to him, whose name is blessed, and who has delivered me out of all my troubles. When I got home, a fresh worry, what now? My wife has been reflecting, and thinking it over. After all, her only son, the apple of her eye, he would be there, and we here. And if so, what says she, would life be to her? Well, say I, what do you propose doing? What I propose doing, says she, can't you guess? I propose, says she, to be with him. You do, say I, and the house, what about the house? The house, says she, is a house. Anything to object to in that? So she was off to him, and I was left alone at home. And what a home, I leave you to imagine. May such a year be to my enemies. My comfort was gone. The business went to the bad. Everything went to the bad, and we were continually writing letters. I wrote to her, she wrote to me. Letters went, and letters came. Peace to my blessed wife, peace to my blessed husband. For heaven's sake, I write, what is to be the end of it? After all, I'm no more than a man. A man without a house mistress. It was as much use as last year's snow. It was she who had her own way, she and not I, as usual. To make an end of my story, I worked and worried myself to pieces. Made a mile of the whole business, sold out, became a poor man, and carried my bundle over to them. Once there, I took a look round to see where I was in the world. Nibbled here and there, just managed to make my way a bit, and entered into a partnership with a trader. Quite a respectable man, yes. A well-to-do householder, holding office in the shore, but, at bottom, a deceiver, a swindler, a pickpocket, who was nearly the ruin of me. You can imagine what a cheerful state of things it was. Meanwhile, I come home one evening to see my boy come to meet me, looking strangely red in the face, and without a badge on his cap. Say I to him, look here, Mosheller, where's your badge? Says he to me, whatever badge. Say I, the button. Says he, whatever button. Say I, the button off your cap. It was a new cap with a new badge, only just bought for the festival. He grows redder than before and says, taken off. Say I, what do you mean, taken off? Says he, I'm free. Say I, what do you mean by you are free? Says he, we are all free. Say I, what do you mean by we are all free? Says he, we are not going back anymore. Say I, what do you mean by we are not going back anymore? Says he, we have united in the resolve to stay away. Say I, what do you mean by you have united in a resolve? Who are you? What is all this? Bless your grandmother, say I, do you suppose I have been through all this for you to unite in a resolve? Alas and a lack, say I, for you and me and all of us, may it please God not to let this be visited on Jewish heads, because always and everywhere, say I, Jews are the scapegoats. I speak thus to him and grow angry and reprove him, as a father usually does reprove a child. But I have a wife, long life to her, and she comes running and washes my head for me, tells me I don't know what is going on in the world, that the world is quite another world to what it used to be, an intelligent world, an open world, a free world, a world says she in which all are equal, in which there are no rich and no poor, no masters and no servants, no sheep and no sheers, no cats, rats, no piggy-wiggy. Teh, teh, teh, say I, where have you learned such fine language, a new speech, say I, with new words? Why not open the hen-house and let out the hens, cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck, hurrah for freedom, upon which she blazes up as if I had poured ten pails of hot water over her. And now for it, as only they can, where one must sit it out and listen to the end. The worst of it is, there is no end. Look here, say I, hush, say I, and now let it be, say I, and beat upon my breast. I have sinned, say I, I have transgressed, and now stop, say I, if you would only be quiet, but she won't hear and she won't see, no, says she, she will know why and where for and for goodness sake and exactly in just how it was and what it means and how it happened and once more in a second time and all over again from the beginning. I beg of you, who set the whole thing going? A woman and of gimnasi, by shalom alechim.