 Good morning to you. Thank you very much for keeping it to Y254. This is Power Talk. My name is Ram Aguco. It is the 8th of July 2021. A very warm welcome to you. We are coming to you live from the broadcasting house here in Nairobi, Kenya. We are also live on our website www.kbc.co.ke4 slash Y254. This is a conversation today that we shall have on mother's relationships. Now, when you talk about relationships for most people as you start dating, your partner will ask you, how many people have you dated before me? What is your body count? How many people have you done XYZ before me? Tell me about your past. The question is, is talking about your past safe? Can you talk about your past with your partner and not feel judged? Is it possible that your past can be used against you in the future so that one day when you are in a fight or an argument, they pull up your past and use it against you? Should you feel safe about talking about your past with your partner? And this is the conversation that we are having this morning talking about past relationships, whether it gives an assurance. Will you be assured that your partner shares about their past with you? Does it help in building each other? Does it help in knowing each other? This morning it's about your past. Should I share it with my partner or not? To help in this conversation, I'm joined by next to me Libi Ndambu. She is a singer and a songwriter. I'm joined also to my extreme left by Samuel Wafula. He is a pastor and a motivational speaker. The Ashra Gazolo is his power talk show on Twitter at Ram Agukof and at Y254 channel. Head over there, give us your tweets, give us your comments and your thoughts as we continue with this conversation. Remember, we also ask our viewers to send in a clips of themselves. Just record yourself and tell us what you think about this. We shall be playing your views a bit later on to understand what are people saying on the ground. If at all you have to be part of this conversation, remember we can engage with you both online and video. I shall sample your feedback as we continue with this conversation. Alright, so let's start power talk starts now. Keep tweeting, keep commenting. Is it safe to talk about your past with your partner Libi? The question I think is not as such is it safe because what is safe is dependent on the two people. Can you to may agree what we are creating? Is it a relationship that we want long term? Because a long term relationship, you have to create safety. You know, for you to be able to be intimate with someone, safety has to be that. Your past makes you feel safe. No, we create the safety for ourselves. The question is, are we willing to come at two individuals? It's not a guarantee that anyone I meet will make me feel safe. What is guaranteed is the person willing to make it safe or not. But talking about your past is very important. It is. But you cannot talk about it unless someone makes you feel that it's okay to share about it. So that's my opinion. Unless someone kills that environment. Yes, they have to create it. That ambience. That's why I feel I can talk about my experience in this or that. Yes. Sami. Yes. When people are starting to date, they normally say that, and this is most, this is, I believe all men, if not all the most men, 90%, if I'm not wrong, 100%, normally use these words, these exact words, kama o jawaii sayama iwi nyambia ne o. All men have used these exact words. Let's get to know each other. Wow. In the process of getting to know each other, must you know about that person's past, Sami? I will say you don't owe your partner your past. You can choose to discuss it with him or you can choose not to. It is not a guarantee that you must discuss your partner, your past with your partner. Now, I will say, well, my answer will be yes or no. Yes, depending on whether they are able to handle your past. But you are saying you don't owe them any explanation about your past. You don't owe them any explanation about your past. But they want to get to know you, so you owe them that. It is a privilege to get to know them. Spoken like a true law. Of course he is a law, but it's a privilege for you to know me. You should appreciate that I'm sharing that. So, should you tell them, it is a privilege. For most people, they normally get that sense of insecurity about sharing their past. Maybe they went through some hard times. Now, that is why I said you can share your past depending on whether your partner can handle your past. And as she said, safety is not automatic. Safety is created. It takes two people to create safety in a relationship. But when that safety is threatened by your past, when you feel like your past will threaten the safety, there is no need of sharing. So it is not automatic that when we are dating, you must share with me your past. I must tell you my past. It's not automatic. Is it okay? Okay, do you agree with him that you don't owe anyone anything? I honestly don't agree with that because the past informs who I am now. For example, where I come from as a culture informs who I am. So where I come from, like titers, we are taught that women cook, women clean and do those things. You have to make your man fat in the first month. So me when I'm getting married to a guy, what is informing me, feeding him as though he needs to get fat is because I know where I'm coming from. It's coming from my past, what I've seen. It's the same way with relationships. Who I have been with informs how I make decisions with regard to the relationship. So if I have insecurities about my body, maybe it stems from people who made me feel like I needed to lose weight to be good enough for them. Disclosing that is as equal as sharing that I was intimate with some people and these are the things that they did that made me feel uncomfortable. And you would feel as if at some point you've shared too much information. And this is where I've put the disclaimer, long term relationships. Even when you go to premarital you are asked to share and disclose very intimate things about yourself because what is more intimate than marriage? Marriage, everything comes up. In fact they say that when you get married it's like now all of the things that you didn't know existed will come up. So it's good when you have these discussions that someone is aware that Libby you can't tell her certain ones because there's past issues in relation to that. You can't have certain ways like if someone was raped for example in a relationship and she did not disclose it or pursue a case. In that situation it's good that I communicate that I need to share with you something that hurt me. So even when you're mother then you're having sexual intimacy issues they understand that you had a past. So I agree that fine it's not a guarantee that you'll have a safe space but that doesn't mean it's a privilege. It's a requirement. I'm looking into this particular aspect of arguments and fights. Of course let me talk about this in terms of this particular individual this couple are looking into a long term engagement they're looking into getting married they want to have something good they want to build a family or start a family and that's why they're talking about it. Let's talk about it from that perspective first. One day they break up from experience. Okay let me give you a signal. I once shared my past with somebody that I was a potential person and then one day in an argument no wonder you used to do this no wonder you are like this and that will bring about those insecurities if it's your body they will say no wonder you used to be fat no wonder you used to be slender no wonder you used to be hated by persons XYZ then you never know how things could turn how can you keep yourself safe even as you want to explore something new with this partner. I feel Ram, one thing we must first understand is that no relationship guarantees marriage. True. Dating determines whether or not you will end up together. You agree with that Libby? I agree, I agree. So if you must share your past you must be very calculative in the sense that you see for example, I'm a pastor and there's a lady in church where I minister there's a lady in church that has had before she got born again she has had 41 body counts 41. So every man that comes the man will come in 2 weeks into the relationship she has already shared and the relationship won't last for one month they want me to say this lady has 41 body counts or maybe 38 the body counts they withdraw you understand? so if you must share your past you must be very calculative you must be number one in terms of timing when you share your past so soon, too soon it has an effect and that is why most relationships don't last for long but when you are very calculative you will wait until you are sure now the relationship is defined the goals are defined maybe the future is now clear you are a motivational speaker in the past and I believe you have had encounters with people and for most who want to get into marriage they will always ask themselves when is the right time how soon is soon how am I supposed to be calculative I am happy and then they will say should I tell them after marriage should I tell them about my past after we have said both said I do should I tell them ok and they will say I can't say it now one day I will share it with you that's how they normally say should you be my brother because I want to tell them no I am coming I will explain you can never wait after marriage because if you will end up with someone in marriage you must be very sure with the kind of person you are committing yourself to and the kind of man you really want to spend your life together with so when I say you must be very calculative and you must first be sure whether this man is here to stay because there are people we are living in a society of use and damp in every relationship there is that hope that everyone has there is that hope that everyone has but there is no guarantee the society today we are all living in this society and we know most people will want to use you it is a use and damp society so the moment you know you get to a point when you release you unveil your past too soon people you will give listen nobody has power over you except the power you have given them Liby you agree with what you are saying but if you want to calculate first of all let's just say there is no relationship or advice that we can give that's a blueprint for what you are going to do because if anything and this I have been told by even older women that until you are in the relationship you don't really understand the layers of problems that maybe you will encounter or the challenges but I will say this what you are saying is right you cannot open yourself up with someone you are dating but someone you are cutting you open up there is a difference between cutting and dating dating I can date many guys in the sense I am meeting new people I am dating to know them where are you going okay you are not going that same direction it's okay I'll be your friend this one let's go for lunch let's hang out casual dating what color do you like that's dating cutting is when you say this is Ram this is where Ram used to be and this is where Ram is going and this is where I am when they were betrothed to each other you know now we are exclusive dating is not exclusivity you understand what I mean so cutting means everything is on board everything is on board in fact one of the things that I remember and I appreciate that I did is actually did premarital before getting engaged premarital classes why were you going there because we are cutting with the person I am with and so we want to understand things that we need to go through and understand about each other before we make the decision of getting engaged and going to marriage did it help that 8 weeks we fought you argue you realize oh my god this is what he is thinking about they bring out things that you didn't think about while dating you went through premarital counseling before engagement you are engaged no no I am married I am married I please she was the ring I am married but you see that's what we did we went for because we knew we are cutting at first we dated we were together we knew ok this is somewhere we are going we want to get married but now when we seriously sat and said ok this for sure I am not choosing anyone else but now we need to understand each other and that conversation about safety it's what we create you have to we are toxic people are just picking each other and throwing each other around but at the end of the day if you want a healthy relationship it means that you have to talk about the things that hurt you the most that you may heal and your partner is here to be with you through the healing process and at this point let's hear what people are saying on the ground remember we asked our viewers to send in a clip of themselves giving their feedback what people have to say I think ok there are some things where you can't hide from him something like same health issues same as a girl as a lady the past relationship we made love with someone stuff and stuff then we got a boat EOQ2 inezakuletea issues people with marriage I want this to go because maybe it's going to issue more people in the future maybe with a baby something else like cancer and HIV and stuff but about your past your previous boyfriend and your partner they don't matter so there are the things similar My name is Fred Muya. I'm telling my partner about my past to see yuimusu. The moment we partner, we begin our present things. We begin, nila fitu meza upi. So the stories are past. I waste me. We do what we do. We do what we do. We do what we do. We do what we do. Those are what people said on the ground. I believe we will play them later on during this conversation. Wonderful, wonderful. It's all about dating. Should you talk about your past with your partner, you've heard what that lady and gentleman have said. One person mentioned already, I aborted maybe. These are health issues. Let's call that aspect health issues. Should you tell your partner that this is what happened to me in the past with my body and maybe I'm sick in this kind of way. Maybe this is, I had a surgery. Maybe whatever you're seeing here is not original. Yes. Yes. Maybe my chest has been medically enhanced. Maybe my bottom has been medically enhanced. Should you mention those particular details? Maybe I had an abortion. I had to take it. Libi. Yeah, it's important if you're going to actually get married, like we're saying. Marriage is two people becoming one. I need to know what I'm becoming one with. It's not a big issue. If you've had buttocks of you, had anything disclosed that. But what she said about aborting and past relationships, it's very important because those things inform a lot of the decisions we make. I may get pregnant and I had an abortion and we keep losing the babies and it stems from an issue from back then. So now that I'm disclosing it when we are married, there's a problem. It elevates or escalates the situation more than it should have been if I said it before. Getting married. The reason why you are in the dating and courting phase is that you may get to know someone. Obviously there are things maybe you'll understand later on in the marriage or the relationship. But I believe that even communicating that hey, before you there were three boys I dated. I'm not sure if I'm getting married or if I'm getting married before you there were three boys I dated. The reason I broke up with boy A is because of this and boy B this and boy C this. You don't have to go into the niti grittis that this is what he said to me. What if they ask? If they ask, you have to communicate again. Is it a safe space? Are they ready to hear some of the things? You understand? We're not talking about it as one conversation. Maybe that's what we need to define here. It's a conversation that you're constantly having. It's a progress. It's a progression so that by the time like if you've dated for three, four years during that period is when you disclose these things, poli poli you start telling them that hey, there's this person I dated and this maybe they were into witchcraft. And these are the things that they did, you know. And the reason we broke up was this and this so that even your spouse is aware of the things that hurt you. Because I might come and tell you Ram you'll see, you know. And that thing maybe someone told you as a derogative term. Or I can tell you Ram umekwam healthy and the last time someone told you that it was a painful statement and that brings out an exactly so that's the reason why we disclose things. Again, we create the safe space. You have to be in a situation where you're telling your spouse hey, let's talk about this and I'll learn how to not hold it. Yeah, I believe I will back what she said most of this should come now in courtship and not just dating because in courtship both of you have made up your minds to walk the same journey and so you've made up your minds to no matter what happens you have decided you are walking on the same path that one is okay but come up, I don't know if I can do it or not. That's why I talked about being calculative. Now the calculations come in and as she said it is progressive. Unleash polipoli as you move along. If you have a particular disease or sickness it could be a health issue. How soon should you disclose that because yes, it happened now this is a new relationship. How soon? Bafula. In matters health I believe it is important for your partner to know as soon as possible. On day one? Not day one. But it could also be day one. If the person makes you feel safe and they ask those questions you know the people who are erect. My name is Libing. I have this and these conditions and these diseases. I want you to know from the get go so that if you are not willing to go forward I don't waste my time. So it can be day one. And then there are people who like slow progression. There is no standard here. Aguna standard? Children. Aguna standard? You have kids getting into marriage with this potential one but you know you got a child in the past. Maybe you have issues with the baby mama or the baby daddy but maybe you don't see each other but it is in your past. How soon do you disclose that information also? As soon as possible. As soon as possible because still you can never be hidden. Always if you have a child if maybe you are on a date and then are let to have it. You understand? It escalates the situation more than it should have. Muna kula. Kempinski. Mama na kutia na leso. Muna lete wa apu. Muna nambio hende na esa iso. It's painful when someone does not feel that they should honor you enough to share such a big part of their life. You get. Children as soon as possible. If you want the first date you can tell them my name is Libby and I have a child. So you can start with that. If the person is a bit you're not too sure you can take your time. There's no blueprint for this. Okay. I'm looking into the issue of secrecy. Now you've mentioned everything depends on the space. That freedom. That environment that you need to have. But what if you still don't feel like sharing but your partner wants you to talk and attack a syrica? I want you to tell me about your past but you see you still don't feel free. It can create issues. Your partner feels as though you don't trust them or something like that. But the point is you are not free. You don't feel safe. Don't feel like sharing. It's personal. How should you handle such a scenario? Whether it is you as the lady or as a man? I think your partner should be mature enough to understand. Because you see ladies, for men ladies there is no such a good thing. You will never give a lady like security. You understand? And you know security is the number one security you give to a lady. And so if you are not mature enough to read you look at her and you know she is not ready to open up something. So you can't force her. Fosing her is immaturity. So you will take your time and know. Wait until when she will be ready. But when ready till when haqwa being a man, you don't know what happened to her. She is not talking. I think maybe the first question I would ask if my spouse has refused to share with me and asked what would it take or how can I make you feel safe enough to share with me. Would you like me to tell you something or would you like us to create a code word where if I say that code word I am not allowed to interject and I am not allowed to take it out of context. We understand. So code word can be I need a safe space right now. So in that safe space I am not allowed to tell you how you feel about the situation. I am not allowed to control the situation. I am allowed to just listen. I could ask you would you like us to have a third party being like a therapist or a counselor to help us go through your past and what makes you feel like you are not safe enough. Or I would ask you is there anything I am doing that makes you feel unsafe or feel that I cannot handle this and how can we deal with it. When you begin there then you understand ok she is not sharing not because she doesn't want to but because maybe someone she shared with used it against her like you said. So now me I will come in Ria farm and say I am so sorry for what that person did however this is what I am committing to as me. I cannot share my past I cannot when I wake up and say toxic We are generally toxic human beings even the mature ones are toxic we have kuna kaki tutu kawushinda kana in every season of life kana tokia we are all toxic. You can have a great church person who is serving in ministry but she is toxic when she is a boss at her office. We are all toxic. The only thing that we need to be is human beings who are willing to be told that you are wrong and you want to change. I wouldn't date someone who is not willing to change who doesn't understand that I am being molded by this life to become better each and every moment. So if this person is stuck on his ways to be with you because we are not static, we are dynamic as human beings. Today I may like chicken tomorrow I hate it, not because I am pregnant or not because of hormones I just don't want chicken. No, no, no, no If you want to open up your partner midnight Nataka kukusa easy I just want some chicken. And then the days you don't want the days you want to talk you just want to sit. That is mostly amongst ladies. It depends Honestly I think we both do the same thing. But at the end of the day we need to create safe spaces, be intentional about it. It just doesn't happen it's not magic, you are intentional every single time you are with your person. I'll give it time to respond to Fulha People have already We have passed your past with your partner on our Facebook page that is Y254 Drop your comments in the comment section below and make sure you are commenting Chris Oduma What for? What for? Unless you want to go back going back to your past Unless you want to go back to your past that is what Chris Oduma is saying You can see that on your screen there Let me read that at the top of your screen You can see that We have a comment there by That is You can see that What for? Unless you want to go back I'm seeing Janet Janet Michaels It's good to share completely completely if it was meant to be it will your past should not determine your present just lay down your skeleton and it will leave you Exactly I don't know what to say Davis K.E. No, don't share Maybe to take a revenge on my ex but not the past life ati? Maybe to take revenge on my ex but not the past life hardships Maybe to take revenge on my ex but not the past life hardships Unless you want to go back to your past So thank you very much Davis, Janet, Isaac and Chris for your comments Keep tweeting the hashtag is partokshon twitter at ramaguko and at y254channel head over to facebook and drop in your comments there on our facebook page that is y254 should you share your past with your partner Give it time to react to these comments What Davis I mean Isaac and I say to my partner K.E. Chris and I say unless you want to go back to your past does it mean that if I share my past to my partner then it means that I am relieving it does it mean that I have refused to let go to the past Afola Omu Omu You've been in that position I've never experienced that before You felt that you felt that I'm trying to digest just what he said just what he said but I believe it is important it is important to just lay your life open your life especially when you have decided that this is the man I want to be with this is the lady I want to be with this is my spouse for life it is important let them know who you are let them know what you've been through let them know the kind of experiences you've had in the past Now the question that I had asked before to that social media is what if you don't feel safe but your girlfriend, your wife you must tell me about your past but what do you feel you don't feel like you want to talk about it how do you handle that situation your spouse should be able to go out of the way to know why you don't feel safe there must be a reason why you don't feel safe so instead of insisting tell me your past let them first know what is this thing that makes you not feel safe talking about your past and after that they will be able to it is easy getting information just depending on the method you are using so when your partner is not feeling safe with sharing their past get to know the reasons behind they are not feeling safe that way you will be able to handle access can you talk about access is it okay to tell your partner I've dread person one, two, three, four of course the number can continue depending on who you are when they ask how many people have you dated before me the body count how do you handle that situation maybe probably ask the intention of the question the motive behind the question there has to be a motive if you ask me about my body count so that you can shame me I'm not going to share with you that you have no right to shame me because of mistakes I made but you can never know that but you understand there is a way I can ask you I want us to open up and just share about our past and the people you've been with because I want us to we work things out and heal through that that's different from telling you you read you have to have emotional intelligence you have to read the situation and ask them okay I would like to share with you my past however can I please understand where this is coming from or why you would like to know na Nairobi streets are not safe go and check your woman alafakafuja apa na new Lisa labdumto leona evasha you understand the intention is very important so for me where I begin is can I understand where you're coming from wanting to know that so that I know how we're going to handle this if I feel like it's coming from a very toxic space I'll communicate that with you that I don't feel safe sharing that with you because where you're coming from is not from a good place however if you would like to know because we want to peel the layers of this relationship to grow deeper in the relationship I will share with you but kuna mtomuja kumusa how many of you did it before me alafakafuja pwambia kula just yes or no ok or maybe na uberiri yes no maybe when you tell your partner your buddhika or the number of access you have yes no maybe maybe let's take a break we'll be back after this the hashtag is part of shon twitter at ramaguko at y244 channel we are live also on our website www.kbc.co.ke forward slash y254 let's take that short break we'll be back in a bit is it safe is it ok to share your past with your partner should you share your past with your partner should you share your past come on these are things that make people to get into fights and arguments just because they do not talk about something that happened about them in the past these are things that make people to have an understanding the question is should you share remember we have asked our viewers to send in their clips in regards to this particular topic and their opinions so let's sample their feedback right now timodi if I tell you I killed my past lover will you still love me no definitely so it's better to keep the past unknown to anybody for that one guarding you and us your relationship secondly people are very judgmental in this world so the moment you tell them they use that again is when they start judging you so you should never tell somebody your past all the honesty why keep our secrets you can hide something for so long it will inevitably come up upender like you can't keep something for so long in your life I say no because for me it's called a past for a reason it's just not there so if something is in the past I meet this person at my present there is no need I should disclose some things they're not supposed to be in our journey for me it's only about going ahead so some things that I did in the past I just live in the past why should I resurrect some stuff they're just supposed to stay where they're supposed to be for me if it doesn't know about my past it actually won't affect him so I'm trying enough to keep those things to myself my partner should not know about there's so many things that can hound you in the future this is what I mean let me give examples there's so many things that happened in the past that might affect your future and especially with the person you have especially if you're deciding to stay with a person up to marriage and longer than that let me give an example maybe you did abortion before before this person now and it affected your womb and now you can't have children so you're not with another girl you're about to that was your past and you didn't tell your spouse so how do you and to tell your spouse that we won't go barren and how is it better to and we can't see what there is on us because you tampered with your womb will they know you aborted whatever they are telling you because they will obviously see it let me tell you something I have aborted in my past it affected my womb so now I'm married I cannot give back I will not tell my spouse about it I will sit down with that man so let me talk to him the other method of getting a kid so let us not go and start resurecting some things that are just supposed to be barren I had abortion it's okay that is my secret I will not lie I will just not tell it partner muna ishi nai kwa nyumba that is now a life partner he or she was not there during that past ma chere nai kapisha life starts from the time you meet that partner to take an easy way to meet him next year to find a vitu decision to meet him next year but when you meet him he says he is here ma chere nai kwa nyumba wonderful wonderful wonderful let me give you time to react to it wafu la react to what people have said there I will start with the lady that said for example you had an abortion and you can't get children and you won't share that with your partner I think something like that is sensitive enough to share ya there are ways of getting children but let your partner know why you can't get children if they are at peace with that well and good because there are things you can't just hide do you know people get divorced because of such things we have seen it happen when the moment you tell your partner about something they divorce you and they even get a second wife it's fine but you should share it ya we should share happiness is better than marriage your happiness is better than marriage so if a man will be in that marriage that relationship and all their life they are questioning themselves why they can't get children he has gone to the hospital the doctors have proved he is normal yet the woman is the issue why she had an abortion maybe years back and as such she can't get children make it clear let it be known that this is what happened and I can't just get children what do we do about it so it is important what people have said the children story children are such an important part of relationships whether you want to have them or not it's important to discuss this before you are married when people get divorced when they find out during a marriage is because then it's a lie it's a big lie that you have told me we agreed we are going to have children and you knew that you cannot understand but it's closing this while we are courting and just sharing that if I could change my past I would but this thing happened and I can't change that and this is how I am and going forward it might not change God may perform miracles but I just want you to know if you are going to go all in you go all in knowing it's like a job you have a job description out of the letter at your guest house you understand what I mean so you don't want to misappropriate what needs to be said you say if you want to have children tell them but about people who don't want to have children and they went and took a vasectomy you need to disclose to me should you tell your partner that I had a vasectomy yes disclose to me that hey this is not something I want for myself and so I took it upon myself to get a vasectomy so that I don't have children because I don't want to so that me as a wife as a girlfriend I'll be like okay this is something you don't want is it something that I don't want too because I don't want children okay let's now go together if I want children then it's okay let's just separate because we don't we're not going in the same direction and I'm not hoping that you'll change your mind in the future the other thing about lies about your past they creep up on you for example we are now together there was a guy who was psychotic I dated he was mad so after a few years I didn't disclose that to you and then some guys started stalking this guy he will not understand why this guy is obsessed with me he'll think we have something going on because why is he you may think that you're even cheating yes but if I had disclosed hey babe there's a guy I dated and he had very funny tendencies and he was very toxic and the reason I left him was because I was scared for my life if this guy ever shows up he knows how to handle the situation I have prepared him for the situation let's head over to Facebook and see what people are saying there well well well this is a very hot topic hey na time in a handa time in a handa it's coming up on the screen there we have a sinta waidera and for me I don't think we should share our past with our partners reason being it's your past and all is gone if you talk about it it shall always trigger your forgotten pains wow it depends on the motive focus when given when getting into a relationship not all relationships lead to marriages now you go about sharing your past with everyone sometimes they will be used against you it starts with dating courting and finally marriage now everyone you are having a future with it's not of great importance to share your past there are things you may hide but unveil later and cause issues burial queen pishon the past is very important to that each other knows so that each other knows exactly what they are getting themselves into I think it's important to share your past because maybe there are challenges I faced that led to diminishing of my previous relationship though I'll take same time to get to know the person I want to share my past with people are judgmental people are judgmental people are judgmental even when you are sharing your past what is it we are sharing are we sharing it because I want you to know or am I sharing it with you so that you know this is why my past relationship failed and you will not judge this is why it failed and so I feel like going forward I would like to do this with you so that we do it better let's go to Jimmy Ke and I say to what to what I personally understand I don't need and I don't feel safe to feed my current partner with my past life for what for not unless she insists on getting to hear it from me yeah other stories apart from relationships it's worth sharing but unless you're not comfortable with your partner and in my thoughts you talk about it because you miss them you miss those old days there is something you are missing in your current relationship following in Cape Town wow someone is watching from Cape Town keep it 1 2 5 4 and what Jimmy has said that you may be missing something in your current relationship now it leads me to ask this question here and I was going there what if sharing your past affects your future with your current partner for example you shared your past that my previous boyfriend was so rich alakona pesa he had money anytime I would cough 10,000 shillings he said baby you are coughing 10,000 shillings you say I want a pedikua they will do everything from your head to your toe you say I have a problem with my chest they will take you for a full body scan at the hospital in your past relationship your partner was well endured whether it was privately in the bedroom they are well endured they know how to turn on the buttons and off what if that threatens your current partner to the point they feel as though this person had this kind of an ex we will never match up to those standards what do you do wafula you see before you even answer that one thing we must understand is that new relationships don't treat old character flaws that is to mean that you are passed as a way of affecting your future in a way so coming to the example you have just given make it clear if you dated rich guys you cannot date a carpenter and expect to turn him into a plumber you understand not in terms of finances in terms of finances anything can happen life can change but it is very important to come out clear let your spouse know the history of the kind of people you have dated wafula is a man I know very well doesn't it look like a month's ego a month's ego you will feel bruised when someone tells you that my ex was a bulky guy wafula you are here you will feel threatened ya you will but if you are not comfortable with dating a small guy like me because of the history of the kind of men you have dated then what are you doing with me you will feel threatened if you are used to dating carpenter please pick another carpenter and continue dating maybe their partner and we compare that the person that they used to be with was even good in bed whenever you are you guys are struggling what's good in how they treat them when you have a problem they will call you and tell you baby it's going to be okay they were so assertive they were so optimistic they know how to encourage you they were good emotionally how do you handle that Libby I honestly would not put that on an ex I would not have that conversation of how you are treating me and how I like being treated because of an ex I love being loved because of me me mi si pende kumunoliwa gifts period I don't like it when you buy me gifts I feel like you are buying me you get what I mean but when you serve and you make me breakfast oh we go hang out acts of service make me feel nice that's not dependent on my exes but what if your exes used to do that they bring you breakfast in bed but you've met with wafula who has no clue about the kitchen he doesn't even like those things of bringing breakfast in bed what you're not understanding is I'm saying if wafula does not bring breakfast in bed I'll not communicate to him my ex is to do it you should do it no I will say I feel more loved when you do certain acts of service to me I feel more loved babe nikianda salon and you offer to drop me I feel like you care about me you need to do it with my exes when I come and bring in my ex is to do this it means I'm condemning him and he's not my ex like I said your past relationships are not a blueprint for how he's supposed to act ununa blueprintia building ukijenga building the pillars are the pillars you cannot change anything about that and not all buildings are the same the foundation has to be different if I build this building and I put four pillars if I go to the next building if you want to be treated in a certain way communicate that it is what I want it has nothing to do with other people let me touch on yet another thing maybe this is the way it used to be in the past because yes through this conversation we've talked about my ex my son we've talked about the other person let's talk about you we've talked about the other person and that's why we're here you know very well that you have violent tendencies maybe as a man you beat up women in your past but you know you've changed maybe as a woman you at some point you poured hot water even women will beat up men they mean women yeah yeah I know I've heard of them but I've heard of them should you mention those things that this is how it used to be wafule like if you're temperamental it is okay tell them baby I have an issue with my temperaments and so that when you get to a point and they see the temperaments now coming they know how to handle you just be clear but you see kumagiam to mahjong red flag it's very true there are things that you will learn about someone that are red flags and you can decide and that's why dating and courting is important that you understand that you can decide but eh can't handle this and that's okay to walk away we've seen people who've said that if you did this in your past it means that if you're with me if you did that to another woman then with me it can be 10 times you've changed, you're not that person anymore how then do you have that conversation I genuinely think that because I do a lot of advocacy in the social justice field I genuinely think that one of the things that we don't have is we don't accept that someone did something in the past and they've changed but this possibility with the right conditions environmental conditions there's a possibility they could react in that way the same way if nana penda kupigama kelele and I have very nice vocabulary in Swahili to insult a man even if I teach myself how to speak well and speak life to this man if the conditions are right I can explode and so Ram needs to understand that this is how she acts when she has certain triggers and he knows that this is a possibility am I willing to deal with that human who deals with life perfectly I'll say that is a lie and that is a social media influencer who's lying to us because we all have bad tendency you've mentioned something here and I think for some guys from the western side they say you've got this lady who speaks good Swahili and she has insulted you but you have no clue but you see at the end of the day we have to understand what you will find is someone who wants to grow and be better every day you find this person and they've changed and you're seeing proof of things that they're doing to ensure that they've changed if this is a man who perhaps one day exploded and beat his wife or girlfriend because now this is girlfriend they have an accountability partner someone who's keeping them in check are they going for therapy and counseling are they dealing with their anger issues if they're doing all these things and you can see the fruit of the labor that they're putting into becoming better that's someone I can bank on so you're saying that once you've realized that your partner has certain weaknesses help them to become better go for therapy that is if they're willing to actually it's not even help them to do it you are just a bystander and a supporter let's talk to Facebook I'm seeing Patrick Mayesh everyone is saying that my past is yours how many of you have lost your past perhaps what maybe people were not understanding each other is when I'm bringing out the past I'm not bringing it to relieve it when you go for a job interview why do they ask where you worked before because they want to understand where you worked before it's just perusing through the past and seeing these are the things that happened and these are the things that are informing your skills at the moment I want to stop to trap things up let me give you a chance to have a final comment wrap this conversation up in a very good what would be your final word to those people who are watching you should you share your past that was what you were talking about today final words within just one minute I would say you should open up your life that is if you are coating you have graduated from dating and you are now coating you have made up your mind to settle together you have made up your mind to work the same journey it is important that you open up let your spouse know the kind of person they are going to spend the rest of their life with so it is important to progressively share your past provided they are able to handle it thank you Afula Libby I want to give you a chance to talk about something here I am aware you are a singer there is something that is coming up tomorrow what should we be looking out for so I am releasing a love song remember my pants my pants in my love life I hope you had a band here to let a band question your own money anyway so tomorrow at 10am on YouTube and every streaming platform you can check out Libby Ndambu I will be releasing a new song and it is called I Do it is a wedding song it is a journey of love but it also has wedding bows and the icing on the cake it also has taita in it taita? you don't have taita musicians you know I will be releasing a new song I will be releasing a new song I will be releasing a new song tomorrow at 10am 10am on YouTube and sure that you heard of it Libby Ndambu and sure that you follow her tomorrow we shall be releasing do you say addition exclusive to say me kumuna tako kuskiyama nice nice things uta kujabo kumuna tako kaiwa Libby I have to put a fan on what kusii mo baya I have a relationship number to mongelia leo I genuinely think that if you are willing to go to a long hall with someone get help to figure out how your past has affected you we all need therapy we all need help healing from the past and go with your partner and also share with your partner disclose these things because they come up and they are important to share so that your partner knows exactly what they are getting into but more so it depends the relationship and trust between the two of you wonderful I am looking into just one comment here thank you very much to Pasta Kaleb I cannot read your comments Pasta Kaleb Kalsli from celebration Jesus ministry church in Kayole thank you very much Pasta Kaleb Nashukuru san I have seen your comment there let me finalize this conversation here by reading a quote and it's coming up on your screen in a bit it may pick up wonderful this is what we are saying here a true relationship is someone who accepts your past supports your present loves and encourages your future someone to say amen amen I was with Samuel Wafula he is a pastor and a motivational speaker thank you very much and I was living double singer and songwriter so she shall be releasing her song saying I do thank you very much Libby for coming this has been Power Talk my name is Ram Maguko very big thanks to everyone when this show was a success thank you for giving us your videos your comments and your tweets the hashtag is Power Talk show at Ram Maguko and at Y254 on behalf of everyone when this show was a success we want to wish you a blessed day make sure that you watch this show I repeat of this show tonight at 10pm my name is Ram Maguko may God bless you may God bless the work of your hands this is Power Talk