 Hey, it's David and today we're going to look at self-discipline and self-compassion. Which is more important? Should you focus on developing self-compassion or should you be more focused on building self-discipline? It's a pretty profound question and as with many things the answer is often misunderstood or oversimplified. So we're going to look at it today and the answer to this question can be found as with many things in looking at some extremes which is what we're going to do. Many people will go to counselling or therapy to work on compassion in a compassionate environment. Other people will go and they will want to be challenged more, they will want someone to be more firm with them and as we'll see here it's never really an either or question. It's always about both. Let's look at a person who is completely focused on self-discipline. It's easy to understand how they've come to be so preoccupied with the concept of self-improvement and goal attainment. It's really undoubtedly the predominant philosophy lauded by celebrity gurus and online influencers nowadays. There's literally thousands of books published on the topic every year. So for this person it's the old school maxims that seem to be the most appealing. It's the no pain, no gain philosophy. It's all about the hustle and about doing more and better than yesterday. The person focused solely on self-compassion however is completely different. For them it's all about going with the flow. Setting goals is simply trying too hard. The truth is that none of us really fit neatly into either of these stereotypes. We might identify with one more than the other but really both of these are within all of us. It's more likely that we fluctuate between both types of thinking. However we're not sure which one to trust. Which one would bring us to the life we truly want? Which one makes the most sense for us personally? The problems only really begin to manifest when we take either of these philosophies to extremes. We may be more aware of the problems in taking self-discipline to extremes that might be more obvious but believe it or not taking self-compassion to the extreme is no less unhelpful as I'll demonstrate here. Self-discipline seems appealing because it's very straightforward and finite. Just do more and things will get better. Follow these instructions and you'll arrive eventually. However when we get completely stuck in the self-discipline or self-improvement mentality we start to experience inevitable difficulties. The controlling aspect of this approach can lead to some neurotic behaviour. Everything needs to be managed or micromanaged and perfectionism can creep in. Worse the constant striving to improve the self reinforces the idea that there's something broken or flawed to begin with. Therefore self-esteem might start to take a hit. One's self-worth is constantly being measured and metrics are the only indicator of growth. Whereover one's emotions are sometimes seen as problematic. They must often be ignored or suppressed if discipline or consistency is to be adhered to. The opposite extremes sometimes refer to as someone who's flaky or new age but probably best described here as overly passive. This brings its own issues. The first of these is denial of the fact that sometimes there may indeed be things in life worth striving for. When we stop allowing ourselves to want things we may experience dissociation or emotional numbness. There's nothing practical to ground one's life in. Profound spiritual maxims are often misunderstood and misapplied. Concepts like acceptance and unconditionality are often used to avoid taking responsibility here. It can lead to a delay in moving through an inevitable and essential life transition such as getting a better job or becoming financially self-sufficient. So neither of these two extremes is particularly helpful or useful. And as we'll see here it's really only when we get stuck in a position or in an extreme that we start to experience problems. If we notice that we're in an either or dilemma regarding the choice between compassion and discipline we know then we're going down the wrong path. In truth it is not an either or type of choice. The solution is only found between balancing both of these aspects of the psyche. When we realize that neither of these states is in and of itself enough we're on the right track. When we realize that neither of these states is problematic we're on the right track. We need to embrace both aspects and realize that we're constantly moving back and forth from one to the other. In a yoga is a concept widely known in the West. However many people don't really realize the meaning of this important concept. The word yoga itself actually means to join or to unite and describes a bringing together of potential opposites. True power comes from the ability to move between never to be stuck in one position. Interestingly the Sanskrit word for suffering is dukkha which means wheel that cannot turn. So we need to be capable of movement to avoid the stress or the emotional numbness that might define our suffering. Traditionally discipline has been more associated with the masculine and compassion has been more associated with the feminine. But as we'll see here we're not really talking about one's gender at all. Carl Jung talked about the masculine and feminine potential within every individual. Within men the potential to develop the feminine aspect of compassion is referred to as the anima. Within women the potential to develop the masculine aspect of discipline was referred to as the animus. When these aspects are developed the original orientation is not really rejected but is brought into balance with its opposite. So thus the man who develops his compassion becomes no less masculine. Likewise the woman who develops her discipline becomes no less feminine. Both aspects are integrated and work harmoniously when reconciled. Let's look here for a moment at aspects within each of these orientations. The feminine is always heart centered. It could be described as open, loving, allowing, nurturing, carefree, creative, receiving, spontaneous. Words like inviting and forgiving are appropriate. It could be said to be boundless. This is really the aspect referred to as the yin. The masculine could be described as grounded in wisdom. It's resolved, it's strong, ordered, inquiring, precise, penetrating. It's intellectual, truthful, powerful. It's clear. It also has very clear and well-defined boundaries. This is the aspect referred to as the yang. When both of these aspects are more fully integrated and are working together harmoniously as two reconciled counterparts the result could be described as an embodied wisdom. Heart based, heart centered wisdom is the result of this inner reconciliation between both counterparts. The individual is capable of identifying goals that they want to pursue but they're also capable of realizing that their happiness or self-worth is not dependent on the outcome. They can identify when the behavior of others is inappropriate and needs to be challenged. However, they do so from a place of mutual respect and love. Conflict is addressed but not repressed. Conflict is seen as a way to strengthen relationships rather than to create distance. They can adhere to action necessary for change to take place. However, they're also open to their feelings throughout the process of change and work with their nervous system and emotional states rather than in opposition to them. They can maintain healthy boundaries with their work or their goals. However, they're also not reliant on structures or rules and leave room in life for spontaneity and experimentation. They take responsibility for themselves and for those they care for. However, they also recognize their own humanity and realize that mistakes and challenges are completely allowable and even inevitable. They can identify things they want from other people and have expectations for how their interpersonal relationships should be conducted. However, they also realize that nobody's perfect and that when other people come up short sometimes it doesn't always mean that they're acting selfishly. They recognize the humanity in themselves as well as in others. They recognize that growth and improvement are important and need to be pursued. However, they also recognize the need for patience and understanding along the way. The takeaway message here really is that both of these aspects within you are acceptable and even necessary. If you've ever condemned yourself for a lack of discipline, you may have blamed the weak or avoidant compassionate side of yourself. Likewise, if you've ever condemned yourself for your lack of compassion, you may have blamed the heartless or judgmental aspect of yourself. The point here is that nothing needs to be condemned. These feelings are simply showing us that another aspect of the self wants to be integrated. Compassion wants to work with discipline. Discipline wants to work with compassion. There's no need to see them as being in competition. The message we're talking about here is really kind of a nuanced message, which is maybe the reason it's not really talked about that much. When we're struggling in life, we're often looking for a simple solution. Now, simplicity is fine, but we should be careful that the philosophy we use is not simplistic. As a human being, you're a complicated individual and any move towards integration and inner reconciliation is likely to involve balance and a recognition that there are many aspects that make up your nature. You can start to integrate this information by maybe doing some journaling on any thoughts or feelings it has brought up for you. Have you ever judged yourself for having a lack of self-discipline? How has that made you feel? That could be explored in journaling. Have you ever felt that you needed to be more open emotionally or that you're too cold to others? Did these thoughts and feelings help or did they create even more tension and unease within you? Remember, we're aiming for acceptance and this is an acceptance of another part of ourselves. It's not a rejection of anything. Any insights you get from journaling or meditating on these concepts should bring about more understanding and peace. We're looking for reconciliation and the way to know this is being achieved is true. How do you feel emotionally? There should be less inner conflict, not more than is our goal here. Hey everyone, thanks so much for watching this video. This is part of my procrastination workshop and it's a series of videos that you can find in the description below. It's on my website and if you're interested, come and check it out. Talk to you again soon. Bye-bye.