 CHAPTER X and XI. THE EARLY ARRISTICRACY Robert Clarendon and several other noblemen in 1663 obtained from Charles II a grant of lands lying south of Virginia, which they called Carolina, in honor of the king, whose name was not really Carolina. Possibly that was his middle name, however, or his name in Latin. The Albemarle colony was first on the ground, then there was a Carteret colony in 1670. They removed the ancient groves covered with yellow jesamine on the ashly and began to build on the present side of Charleston. The historian remarks that the growth of this colony was rapid from the first. The Dutch dissatisfied with the way matters were conducted in New York and worn out when shopping by the on-wee and impudence of sales ladies came to Charleston in large numbers, and the Huguenots in Charleston found a hearty southern welcome and did their trading there altogether. We now pass on to speak of the grand model, which was set up as a five-cent aristocracy by Lord Shaftisbury and the great philosopher John Locke. The cane breaks and swamps of the wild and snake-infested jungles of the wilderness were to be divided into vast estates over which were proprietors with hereditary titles and outing flannels. This scheme recognized no rights of self-government whatever and denied the very freedom which the people came there in search of, so there were murmurings among those people who had not brought their finger bowls and equaries with them. In short, aristocracy did not do well on this soil. Baronial castles with hot and cold water in them were often neglected because the colonists would not forsake their own lands to the thistle and blue-nosed briar in order to come and cook victuals for the baronial castles or sweep out the baronial halls and wax the baronial floors for a journeyman juke who ate custard pie with a knife and drank tea from a saucer through a King Charles moustache. Thus, the aristocracy was forced to close its doors and the arms of Lord Shaftisbury were so humiliated that he could no longer put up his dukes. There had also been a great deal of friction between the Albemarle or Cotteret and the Charleston set, the former being from Virginia, while the latter was, as we have seen, a little given to kindergarten aristocracy and off times tripped up on their parade swords while at the plow. Of course, outside of this were the Plybean people or copperous koolots who did the work. But Lord Shaftisbury, for some time, as we have seen, lived in a baronial shed and had his arms worked on the left breast of his knighty. So these two colonies became separate states in the Union, though there is yet something of the same feeling between the people. Wealthy people came to the mountains of North Carolina from South Carolina for the cool summer breezes of the old North State and have to pay two dollars per breeze even up to the past summer. Thus, there was constant irritation and disgust, up to 1729 at least, regarding taxes, rents, and rights, until, as the historian says, the discouraged proprietors ceded their rights to the crown. It will be noticed that the crown was well ceded by this time, and the poetry mark seems at this time far grander and more apropos than any language of the rider could be, though it is given here, quote, an easy life the head that wears a seedy crown, end quote. The year of Washington's birth, 1732, witnessed the birth of the baby colony of Georgia. James Oglethorpe, a kind-hearted man with a wig that fooled more than one poor child of the forest, conceived the idea of founding a refuge for Englishmen who could not pay up. The laws were very arbitrary then, and harsh to a degree. Many were imprisoned then in England for debt, but those who visit London now will notice that they are at liberty. Oglethorpe was an officer and a gentleman, and this scheme showed his generous nature and philanthropic disposition. George II granted him in trust for the poor a tract of land called, in honor of the king, Georgie, which has recently been changed to Georgia. The enterprise prospered remarkably, and generous, charitable people aided it in every possible way. People who had not been able for years to pay their debts came to Georgia and bought large tracts of land, or began merchandising with the Indians. Thousands of acres of rich cotton lands were exchanged by the Indians for orders on the store, they giving warranty deeds to same, reserving only the rights of piscary and massacre. Oglethorpe got along with the Indians first-rate and won their friendship. One great chief, having received a present from Oglethorpe, consisting of a manicure set, on the following Christmas gave Oglethorpe a beautiful buffalo robe, on the inside of which were painted an eagle and a portable bathtub, signifying, as the chief stated, that the buffalo was the emblem of strength, the eagle of swiftness, and the bathtub the advertisement of cleanliness. Thus, said the chief, the English are as strong as the buffalo, swift as the eagle, and love to convey the idea that they are just about to take a bath when you came and interrupted them. The Moravians also came to Georgia, and the Scotch Highlanders. On the arrival of the latter, the Georgia mosquitoes held a mass meeting, at which speeches were made, and songs sung, and resolutions adopted, making the Highland uniform the approved costume for the entire coast during summer. George Whitefield, the eloquent, who often addressed audiences, even in those days, when advertising was still in its infancy, and the advance agent was unheard of, of from 5,000 to 40,000 people, founded an orphan asylum. One audience consisted of 60,000 people. The money from this work all went to help and sustain the orphan asylum. While reading of him, we are reminded of our own Dr. Talmadge, who is said to be the wealthiest apostle on the road. The trustees of Georgia limited the size of a man's farm, did not allow women to inherit land, and forbade the importation of rum, or of slaves. Several of these rules were afterward altered, so that as late as 1893 at least, a gentleman from Washington, D.C., well known for his truth and honesty, saw rum inside the state twice, though bourbon whiskey was preferred. Books also were found inside the state, and the negro was seen there even now, but the popularity of a negro baby is nothing now to what it was at the time when this class of goods went up to the top notch. Need I add that after a while, the people became dissatisfied with these rules, and finally the whole matter was ceded to the crown. From this time on, Georgia remained a royal province up to the revolution. Since that, very little has been said about ceding it to the crown. North Carolina also remained an English colony up to the same period, and though one of the original 13 colonies is still far more sparsely settled than some of the western states. Virginia Dare was the first white child born in America. She selected Roanoke, now in North Carolina, in August 1587 as her birthplace. She was a granddaughter of the governor, John White. Her fate, like that of the rest of the colony, is unknown to this day. End of Chapter 10 The Early Aristocracy Chapter 11 Intercolonial and Indian Wars Intercolonial and Indian Wars furnished excitement now from 1689 into the early part of the 18th century. War broke out in Europe between the French and the English, and the colonies had to take sides, as did the Indians. Canadians and Indians would come down into York State or New England, burn a town, tomahawk quite a number of people, then go back on snowshoes having entered the town on rubbers, like a decayed show with no printing. Here was an attack on Haverhill in March 1697, and a Mr. Dustin was at work in the field. He ran to his house and got his seven children ahead of him, while with his gun he protected their rear till he got them away safely. Mrs. Dustin, however, who ran back into the house to remove a pie from the oven as she feared it was burning, was captured and with a boy of the neighborhood taken to an island in the Merrimack, where the Indians camped. At night she woke the boy, told him how to hit an Indian with a tomahawk, so that, quote, the subsequent proceedings would interest him no more, end quote, and that evening the two stole forth while the ten Indians slept, knocked in their thinks, scouted them to prove their story, and passed on to safety. Mrs. Dustin kept those scouts for many years, showing them to her friends to amuse them. King William's war lasted eight years. Queen Anne's war lasted from 1702 to 1713. The brunt of this war fell on New England. Our forefathers had to live in blockhouses with barbed wire fences around them and carry their guns with them all the time. From planting the Indian with a shotgun, they soon got to planting their corn with the same agricultural instrument in the stony soil. The French and the Spanish tried to take Charleston in 1706, but were repulsed with great loss consisting principally of time which they might have employed in raising frogs' legs and tantalizing a bull at so much pertant. This war lasted eleven years, including stops, and was ended by the Treaty of Utrecht. After this, what was called the Spanish War continued between England and Spain for some time. An attempt to capture Georgia was made, and a garrison established itself there, with good prospects of taking in the state under the Spanish rule, but our able friend Oglethorpe, the Henry W. Grady of his time, managed to accidentally mislead a letter which fell into the enemy's hands, the contents of which showed that enormous reinforcements were expected at any moment. This was swallowed comfortably by the commander who blew up his impregnable works, changed the address of his Atlanta constitution, and sailed home. Oglethorpe wore a wig, but was otherwise one of our greatest minds. It is said that anybody at a distance of two miles on a clear day could readily distinguish that it was a wig, and yet he died believing that no one had ever probed his great mystery and that his wig would rise with him at the playing of the last trump. King George's War, which extended over four years, succeeded, but did not amount to anything except the capture of Cape Breton by the English and colonial troops. Cape Breton was called the Gibraltar of America, but a Yankee farmer who has raised flax on an upright farm for twenty years does not mind scaling a couple of Gibraltars before breakfast. So without any West Point knowledge regarding engineering, they walked up the hill, and those who were alive when they got to the top took it. It was no Balaklava business and no dumb animal show, but simply revealed the fact that brave men fighting for their eight-dollar homes and a mass of children are disagreeable people to meet on the battlefield. The French and Indian War lasted nine years, from 1754 to 1763. From Quebec to New Orleans, the French owned the land and mixed up a good deal socially with the Indians so that the slender settlement along the coast had arrayed against it this vast line of northern and western forts, and the Indians, who are mostly friendly with the French, united with them in several instances and showed them some new styles of barbarism which up to that time they had never known. The half-breed is always half French and half Indian. The English owned all lands lying on one side of the Ohio, the French on the other, which led a great chief to make a PPC call on Governor Denwitte and during the conversation to inquire with some naivete where the Indian came in. No answer was ever received. We pause here to ask the question, why did the pale face usurp the lands of the Indians without remuneration? It was because the Indian was not orthodox. He may have been lazy from a puritanical standpoint and he may also have hunted on the 27th Sunday after Easter. But still, was it not right that he should have received a dollar or two per county for the United States? No one would have felt it and possibly it might have saved the lives of innocent people. The French had three forts along in the middle states as they are now called and Western Pennsylvania. In George Washington, of whom more will be said in the 12th chapter, was sent to ask the French to remove these forts. He started at once. The commanders were, some of them, arrogant, but the general, Saint Pierre, treated him with great respect, refusing, however, to yield the ground discovered by La Salle and Marquette. The author had the pleasure of being arrested in Paris in 1889 and he feels of a truth as he often does that there can be no more polite people in the world than the French. Arrested under all circumstances and in many lands, the author can place his hand on his heart and say that he would go hundreds of miles to be arrested by a John Darme. Washington returned 400 miles through every kind of danger, including a lunch at Altoona where he stopped 20 minutes. The following spring, Washington was sent under General Fry to drive out the French who had started farming at Pittsburgh. Fry died and Washington took command. He liked it very much. After that, Washington took command whenever he could and soon rose to be a great man. The first expedition against Fort Duquesne was commanded by General Braddock, whose portrait we are able to give, showing him at the time he did not take Washington's advice in the Duquesne matter. Later we show him as he appeared after he had abandoned his original plans and immediately after not taking Washington's advice. The Indians, said Braddock, may frighten colonial troops, but they can make no impression on the king's regulars. We are alike impervious to fun or fear. Braddock thought of fighting the Indians by maneuvering in large bodies, but the first body to be maneuvered was that of General Braddock, who perished in about a minute. We give the reader above an idea of Braddock's soldierly bearing after he had been maneuvering a few times. It was then that Washington took command, as was his custom, and began to fight the Indians and French as one would hunt varmints in Virginia. Blacksmen fired by platoons into the trees and tore a few holes in the state line, but when most of the colonial troops were dead, the regulars presented their torneurs to the foe and fled as far as Philadelphia, where they each took a bath and had some laundry work done. General Forbes took command of the second expedition. He spent most of his time building roads. Time passed on, and Forbes built viaduct, conduits, culverts, and rustic bridges, till it was November, and they were yet fifty miles from the fort. He then decided to abandon the expedition on account of the cold, and also fearing that he had not made all of his bridges wide enough so that he could take the captured fort home with him. Washington, however, though only an eighty-kong of General Forbes, decided to take command. His mother had said to him over and over, George, in an emergency, always take command. He done so, as General Rusk would say. As he approached, the French set fire to the fort and retreated, together with the Indians and Mollie McGuire's. Pittsburgh now stands on this historic ground and is one of the most delightful cities of America. Many other changes were going on at this time. The English got possession of Acadia and the French forts at the Bay of Fundy. In 1757, General Loudon collected an army for an attack on Lewisburg. He drilled his troops all summer and then gave up the attack because he learned that the French had one more skiff than he had. The Loudons of America at the time of this writing are more quiet and sensible regarding their ancestry than any of the doodle-bug aristocracy of our promoted peasantry and the crested yahoos of our Cowboy Republic. The Loudons, or low-downs of America, had a very large family. Some of them changed their names and moved. The next year, Am Hurston-Wolf took possession of the entire island. About the time of Braddock's justly celebrated expedition, another started out for Crown Point. The French, under De Scow, met the army composed of colonial troops in plain clothes, together with the regular troops led by officers with drawn swords and overdrawn salaries. The regular general, seeing that the battle was lost, excused himself and retired to his tent, owing to an ingrowing nail which had annoyed him all day. Lyman, the colonial officer, now took command and rung victory from the reluctant jaws of defeat. For this, Johnson, the English general, received twenty-five thousand dollars and a marinesse, while Lyman received a plated butter dish and a basswood whatnot. But Lyman was a married man and had learned to take things as they came. Four months prior to the capture of Duquesne, one thousand boats loaded with soldiers, each with a neat little lunch basket and a little white flag to wave when they hurrayed for the good kind man at the head of the picnic, General Abercrombie, sailed down Lake George to get a whip of fresh air and take him to roga. When they arrived, General Abercrombie took out a small book regarding tactics which he had bought on the boat. And after refreshing his memory, ordered an assault. He then went back to see how his rear was and, finding it all right, he went back still farther to see if no one had been left behind. Abercrombie never forgot or overlooked anyone. He wanted all of his pleasure party to be where they could see the fight. In that way, he missed it himself. I would hate to miss a fight that way. The Abercrombies of America mostly traced their ancestry back by a cut-off avoiding the General's line. Niagara had an expedition set against it at the time of Braddock's trip. The commander was General Shirley, but he ran out of money while at the falls and decided to return. This post did not finally surrender till 1759. This gave the then West to the English. They had tried for 140 years to civilize it, but alas, with only moderate success. Prosperous and happy, even while sniping in their fox hunting or canvas-backed duck clothes, these people feel somewhat soothed for their lack of culture because they are well-to-do. In 1759, General Wolfe anchored off Quebec with his fleet and sent a boy uptown to ask if there were any letters for him at the post office. No asking at what time it would be convenient to evacuate the place. The reply came back from General Montcombe, an able French general that there was no mail for the general, but if Wolfe was dissatisfied with the report, he might run up personally and look over the W's. Wolfe did so, taking his troops up by an unknown cowpath on the offside of the mountain during the night, and at daylight stood in battle array on the plains of Abraham. An attack was made by Montcombe as soon as he got over his wonder and surprise. At the third fire, Wolfe was finally wounded, and as he was carried back to the rear, he heard someone exclaim, They run, they run. Who run? inquired Wolfe. The French, the French, came the reply. Now, God be praised, said Wolfe, I die happy. Montcombe had a similar experience. He was fatally wounded. They run, they run, he heard someone say. Who run? exclaimed Montcombe, wetting his lips with a lemonade glass of cognac. We do, replied the man. Then so much the better, said Montcombe as his eye lighted up, for I shall not live to see Quebec surrendered. This shows what can be done without a rehearsal. So how the historian has to control himself in order to avoid lying. The death of these two brave men is a beautiful and dramatic incident in the history of our country and should be remembered by every schoolboy, because neither lived to write articles criticizing the other. Five days later, the city capitulated. An attempt was made to recapture it, but it was not successful. Canada fell into the hands of the English, and from the open polar sea to the Mississippi, the English flag floated. What an empire! What a game preserve! Florida was now ceded to the already seedy crown of England by Spain, and Brandy and Soda for the wealthy and bitter beer became the drink of the poor. Pontiac's war was brought on by the Indians, who preferred the French occupation to that of the English. Pontiac organized a large number of tribes on the spoils plan and captured eight forts. He killed a great many people, burned their dwellings, and drove out many more. But at last his tribes made trouble, as there were not spoils enough to go around and his army was conquered. He was killed in 1769 by an Indian who received for his trouble a barrel of liquor, with which he began to make merry. He remained by the liquor till death came to his relief. The heroism of an Indian who meets his enemy single-handed in that way, and, though greatly outnumbered, dies with his face to the foe, is deserving of more than a passing notice. The French and Indian war cost the colonists sixteen million dollars, of which the English repaid only five million. The Americans lost thirty thousand men, none of whom were replaced. They suffered every kind of horror and barbarity, written and unwritten, and for years their taxes were two-thirds of their income, and yet they did not murmur. These were the fathers and mothers of whom we justly brag. These were the people whose children we are. What are inherited titles and ancient names many times since dishonored, compared with the heritage of uncomplaining suffering and heroism, which we boast of today because those modest martyrs were working people, proud that by the sweat of their brows they wrung from a niggardly soil the food they ate, proud also that they could leave the plow to govern or to legislate, able also to survey a county or rule a nation. End of Chapter 11, Intercolonial and Indian Wars. Chapters 12 and 13 of a comic history of the United States. This is a LibriVox recording—all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org, this reading by Allison Hester of Athens, Georgia. A comic history of the United States by Bill Nye, Chapter 12, Personality of Washington. It would seem that a few personal remarks about George Washington at this point might not be out of place. Later on, his part in this history will more fully appear. The author points, with some pride, to a study of Washington's great act in crossing the Delaware from a wax work of great accuracy. The reader will avoid confusing Washington with the author, who is dressed in a plaid suit and on the shore, while Washington may be seen in this end of the boat with the air of one who has just discovered the location of a glue factory on the side of the river. A directory of Washington's headquarters has been arranged by the author of this book, and at a reunion of the general's body servants to be held in the future, the work will be on sale. The name of George Washington has always had about it a glamour that made him appear more in the light of a god than a tall man with large feet and a mouth made to fit an old-fashioned, full-dress pumpkin pie. George Washington's face has beamed out upon us for many years now on postage stamps and currency, in marble and plaster and in bronze, in photographs of original portraits, paintings, and stereoscopic views. We have seen him on horseback and on foot, on the warpath and on skates, playing the flute, cussing his troops for their shiftlessness, and then in the solitude of the forest with his snorting warhorse tied to a tree engaged in prayer. We have seen all these pictures of George till we are led to believe that he did not breathe our air or eat American groceries, but George Washington was not perfect. I say this after a long and careful study of his life, and I do not say it to detract the very smallest iota from the proud history of the father of his country. I say it simply so that the boys of America who want to become George Washington's will not feel so timid about trying it. And I say that George Washington, who now lies so calmly in the lime kiln at Mount Vernon, could reprimand and reproach his subordinates at times in a way to make the ground crack open and break up the ice and the Delaware a week earlier than usual. I do not mention it in order to show the boys of our day that profanity will make them resemble George Washington. That was one of his weak points, and no doubt he was ashamed of it. As he ought to have been. Some poets think that if they get drunk and stay drunk they will resemble Edgar A. Poe and George D. Prentice. There are lawyers who play poker year after year and get regularly skinned because they have heard that some of the able lawyers of the past century used to come home at night with poker chips in their pocket. Whiskey will not make a poet, nor poker a great pleader. As yet I have seen poets who relied on the potency of their breath and lawyers who knew more of the habits of a bobtail flush than they ever did of the statues in such case made and provided. If you wanted a man to be first in war, you could call on George. If you desired an adult who would be first baseman in time of feast, Mr. Washington could be telephoned at any hour of the day or night. If you needed a man to be first in the hearts of his countrymen, George's post office address was at once secured. Though he was a great man, he was once a poor boy. How often you hear that in America? Here it is, a positive disadvantage to be born wealthy, and yet sometimes I wish they had experimented a little that way on me. I do not ask now to be born rich, of course, because it is too late. But it seems to me that, with my natural good sense and keen insight into human nature, I could have struggled along under the burdens and cares of wealth with great success. I do not care to die wealthy, but if I could have been born wealthy, it seems to me I would have been tickled almost to death. I love to believe that true greatness is not accidental. To think and to say that greatness is a lottery is pernicious. Man may be sometimes wrong in his judgment of others, both individually and in the aggregate, but he who gets ready to be a great man will surely find the opportunity. You will wonder whom I got to write this sentiment for me, but you will never find out. In conclusion, let me say that George Washington was successful for three reasons. One was that he never shook the confidence of his friends. Another was that he had a strong will without being a mule. Some people cannot distinguish between being firm and being a big blue donkey. Another reason why Washington is loved and honored today is that he died before we had a chance to get tired of him. This is greatly superior to the method adopted by many modern statesmen who wait till their constituency wary of them and then reluctantly pass away. CHAPTER XIII Contrasts with the present day Here it may be well to speak briefly of the contrast between the usages and customs of the period preceding the revolution and the present day. Some of these customs and regulations have improved with the lapse of time. Others undoubtedly have not. Two millions of people constituted the entire number of whites, while away to the westward the Red Brother extended indefinitely. Religiously they were Protestants, and essentially they were a God-fearing people. Taught to obey a power they were afraid of, they naturally turned with delight to the service of a God whose genius in the erection of a boundless and successful hell challenged their admiration and esteem. So too, their own executions of divine laws were successful as they gave pain, and the most beautiful features of Christianity, namely love and charity, according to history, were not cultivated very much. There were in New England at one time twelve offenses punishable with death, and in Virginia, seventeen. This would indicate that the death penalty is getting unpopular very fast, and that in the contiguous future humane people will wonder why murder should have called for murder. In this brainy, charitable, and occult age, in which man seems almost able to pry open the future and catch a glimpse of destiny underneath the great tent that is here to foreheld him off by means of death's prohibitory rates. In Hartford people had to get up when the town watchman rang his bell. The affairs of the family and private matters too numerous to mention were regulated by the select men. The catalogs of Harvard and Yale were regulated according to the standing of the family as per record in the old country and not as per bust measurement and merit as it is today. Scolding women, however, were gagged and tied to their front doors so that the populace could bite its thumb at them, and hired girls received fifty dollars a year with the understanding that they were not to have over two days out each week except Sunday, and the days they had to go and see their six sisters. Some cloth weaving was indulged in, and homespun was the principal material used for clothing. Mrs. Washington had sixteen spinning wheels in her house. Her husband often wore homespun while at home, and on rainy days sometimes placed a pair of homemade trousers of the barn door variety in the presidential chair. Money was very scarce and ammunition very valuable. In 1635 musket balls passed for farthings, and to see a New England peasant making change with the Red Brother at thirty yards was a common and delightful scene. The first press was set up in Cambridge in 1639 with the statement that it had come to stay. Books printed in those days were mostly sermons filled with the most comfortable assurance that the man who let loose his intellect and allowed it to disbelieve some very difficult things would be essentially, well, I hate to say right here in a book what would happen to him. The first daily paper, called the Federal Orary, was issued three hundred years after Columbus discovered America. It was not popular and killed off the news boys who tried to call it on the streets, so it perished. There was a public library in New York from which books were loaned at four pence half penny per week. New York, thus became very early the seat of learning and soon afterwards began to abuse the site where Chicago now stands. Travel was slow, the people went on horseback or a foot, and when they could go by boat it was regarded as a success. Wagons finally made the trip from New York to Philadelphia in the wild time of forty eight hours and the line was called The Flying Dutchman or some other euphonious name. Benjamin Franklin, whose biography occurs in Chapter fifteen, was then Postmaster General. He was the first bald-headed man of any prominence in the history of America. He and his daughter, Sally, took a trip in a chaise looking over the entire system and going to all offices. Being pleased, the Postmaster General, like quietly slipping into a place like sandy bottom and catching the Postmaster reading over the postal cards and committing them to memory. Calf-skinned shoes up to the Revolution were the exclusive property of the Gentry and the rest wore cow-hide and were extremely glad to mend them themselves. These were greased every week with tallow and could be worn on either foot with impunity. Lights and lefts were never thought of until after the Revolutionary War, but today the American shoe is the most symmetrical, comfortable and satisfactory shoe made in the world. The British shoe is said to be more comfortable. Possibly for a British foot it is so, but for a foot containing no-breeding apparatus or viscera it is somewhat roomy and clumsy. Clothes and laborers of those days wore green or red bays in the shape of jackets and their britches were made of leather or bed-ticking. Our ancestors dressed plainly, and a man who could not make over two hundred pounds per year was prohibited from dressing up or wearing lace worth over two shillings per yard. It was a pretty sad time for literary men as they were, thus, compelled to wear clothing like the common laborers. Lord Cornwallis once asked his 80 Kong why the American poet always had such an air of listening as if for some expected sound. I give it up, retorted the 80 Kong. It is, said Lord Cornwallis, as he took a large drink from a jug which he had tied to his saddle, because he is trying to see if he cannot hear his bed ticking. On the following day he surrendered his army. Yet the laws were very stringent in other respects besides apparel. A man was publicly whipped for killing a fowl on the Sabbath in New England. In order to keep a tavern and sell rum one had to be of good moral character and possessed property, which was a good thing. The names of drunkards were posted up in the ale houses and the keepers forbidden to sell them liquor. No person under twenty years of age could use tobacco in Connecticut without a physician's order, and no one was allowed to use it more than once a day, and then not within ten miles of any house. It was a common thing to see large picnic parties going out into the back woods of Connecticut to smoke. Will the reader excuse me a moment while I light up a peculiarly black and redolent pipe? Unfortunately the gentry were called Mr. and Mrs. This included the preacher and his wife. A friend of mine, who was one of the gentry of this century, got on the trail of his ancestry last spring and traced them back to where they were not allowed to be called Mr. and Mrs., and, fearing he would catch up in Scotland Yard if he kept on, he slowly unrolled the bottoms of his trousers, got a job on the railroad, and since then his friends are gradually returning to him. He is well pleased now, and looks humbly gratified, even if you call him a gent. The scriptures were literally interpreted, and the Old Testament was read every morning, even if the ladies fainted. The custom yet noticed, sometimes in country churches and festive gatherings of placing the males and females on opposite sides of the room, was originated not so much as a punishment to both as to give the men an opportunity to act together when the Red Brother felt at ease. I am glad the Red Brother does not molest us nowadays and make us sit apart that way. Keep away, Red Brother, remain on your reservation, please, so that the pale face may sit by the loved one and hold her little soft hand during the sermon. Church services meant business in those days. People brought their dinners and had a general penitential gorge. Instrumental music was prescribed as per Amos 5th Chapter and 23rd Verse, and the length of prayer was measured by the physical endurance of the performer. The preacher often boiled down his sermon to four hours, and the sexton upended the hourglass each hour. Ladies who went to sleep in church were sand-bagged and grew up to be border murderers. New York people were essentially Dutch. New York gets her Santa Claus, her donuts, cruelers, cookies, and many of her odors from the Dutch. The New York matron ran to fine linen and polished door-knockers, while the New England housewives spun Lindsay Woolsey and knit yarn mittens for those she loved. Philadelphia was the largest city in the United States and was noted for its cleanliness and generally sterling qualities of mind and heart, its Sabbath trance and clean white doorsteps. The southern colonies were quite different from those of the north. In place of thickly settled towns, there were large plantations with African villages near the house of the owner. The proprietor was a sort of country squire living in considerable comfort for those days. He fed and clothed everybody, black or white, who lived on the estate and waited patiently for the colored people to do his work and keep well, so that they would be more valuable. The colored people were blessed with children at a great rate, so that at this writing, though voteless, they send a large number of members to Congress. This cheers the southern heart and partially recoups him for his chickens. The south then, as now, cured immense quantities of tobacco, while the north tried to cure those who used it. Washington was a Virginian. He packed his own flour with his own hands, and it was never inspected. People who knew him said that the only man who ever tried to inspect Washington's flour was buried under a hill of choice watermelons at Mount Vernon. Among the James and Rappahannock, the vast estates often passed from father to son according to the law of entail, and such a thing as a poor man prior to the war must have been unknown. Education, however, flourished more at the north, owing partly to the fact that the people lived more in communities. Governor Berkeley of Virginia was opposed to free schools from the start and said, I think, God, there are no free schools nor printing presses here, and I hope we shall not have them these hundred years. His prayer has been answered. End of chapter 13. Chapters 14 and 15 of a comic history of the United States. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. This reading by Allison Hester of Athens, Georgia. A comic history of the United States by Bill Nye. Chapter 14 The Revolutionary War William Pitt was partly to blame for the Revolutionary War. He claimed that the colonists ought not to manufacture so much as a horseshoe nail except by permission of Parliament. It was already hard enough to be a colonist without the privilege of expressing oneself, even to an Indian, without being fined. But when we pause to think that England seemed to demand that the colonists should take the long, wet walk to Liverpool during a busy season of the year to get his horse shod, we say at once that P. Henry was right when he exclaimed that the war was inevitable and moved that permission be granted for it to come. Then came the Stamp Act, making almost everything illegal that was not written on stamp paper furnished by the maternal country. John Adams, Patrick Henry, and John Otis made speeches regarding the situation. Bells were told, and fasting and prayer marked the first of November, the day for the law to go into effect. These things alarmed England for the time, and the Stamp Act was repealed. But the king, who had been pretty free with his money and had entertained a good deal, began to look out for a chance to tax the colonists and ordered his ex-checker board to attend to it. Patrick Henry got excited and said in an early speech, Caesar had his Brutus, Charles the first his Cromwell, and George the Third. Here he paused and took a long swig of pure water and added, looking at the newspaper reporters, if this be treason, make the most of it. He also said that George the Third might profit by their example. A good many would like to know what he started out to say, but it is too hard to determine. Boston ladies gave up tea and used the dry leaves of the raspberry, and the girls of 1777 graduated in homespun. Did the iron heel of despotism crunch, such a spirit of liberty as that? Scarcely. In one family at Newport, 487 yards of cloth and 36 pairs of stockings were spun and made in 18 months. When the war broke out, it is estimated that each colonial soldier had 27 pairs of blue woolen socks with white double heels and toes. Does the intelligent reader believe that Tommy Atkins, with two pairs of socks, and hit a reinen, could whip men with 27 pairs each? Not without restoratives. Troops were now sent to restore order. They were clothed by the British government, but boarded around with the colonists. This was irritating to the people, because they had never met or called on the British troops. Again they did not know the troops were coming, and had made no provision for them. Boston was considered the hotbed of rebellion, and General Gage was ordered to send two regiments of troops there. He did so, and a fight ensued in which three citizens were killed. In looking over this incident, we must not forget that in those days three citizens went a good deal farther than they do now. The fight, however, was brief. General Gage, getting into a side street, separated from his command, and coming out on the common abruptly, he tried eight or nine more streets. But he came out each time on the common, until, torn with conflicting emotions, he hired a heretic, which took him around the corner to his quarters. On December 16, 1773, occurred the Tea Party at Boston, which must have been a good deal livelier than those of today. The historian regrets that he was not there. He would have tried to be the life of the party. England had finally so arranged the price of tea, that, including the tax, it was cheaper in America than in the old country. This exasperated the patriots, who claimed that they were confronted by a theory and not a condition. At Charleston, this tea was stored in damp cellars where it spoiled. New York and Philadelphia returned their ships, but the British would not allow any shenanigan, as George III so tersely termed it in Boston. Therefore, a large party met in Fennel Hall and decided that the tea should not be landed. A party made up as Indians, and going on board, threw the tea overboard. Boston Harbor, as far out as the bug light, even today, is said to be carpeted with tea grounds. George III now closed Boston Harbor and made General Gage Governor of Massachusetts. The Virginia Assembly murmured at this and was dissolved and sent home without its mileage. Those opposed to royalty were termed wigs. Those in favor were called tories. Now they are called chapies, or authors. On the 5th of September, 1774, the First Continental Congress assembled at Philadelphia and was entertained by the Clover Club. Congress acted slowly even then, and after a considerable delay, resolved that the conduct of Great Britain was, under the circumstances, uncalled for. It also voted to hold no intercourse with Great Britain and decided not to visit Shakespeare's grave unless the mother country should apologize. In 1775, on the 19th of April, General Gage sent out troops to see about some military stores at Concord, but at Lexington he met with a company of Minutemen gathering on the village green. Major Pitt Cairne, who was in command of the Tommies, rode up to the Minutemen and drawing his bright new Sheffield sword exclaimed, Disperse you rebels, throw down your arms and disperse. Or some remark such as that. The Americans hated to do that, so they did not. In the skirmish that ensued, seven of their number were killed. Thus opened the Revolutionary War, a contest which, but for the earnestness and irritability of the Americans, would have been extremely brief. It showed the relative difference between the fighting qualities of soldiers who fight for two pounds, ten shillings per month, and those who fight because they have lost their temper. The regulars destroyed the stores, but on the way home they found every rock pile, hid an old-fashioned gun, and Minutemen. This shows that there must have been an enormous number of Minutemen then. All the English who got back to Boston were those who went out to reinforce the original command. The news went over the country like wildfire. These are the words of the historian. Really that is a poor comparison. For wildfire doesn't jump rivers and bays, or get up and eat breakfast by candlelight in order to be on the road and spread the news. General Putman left a pair of tired steers standing in the furrow, and rode one hundred miles without feed or water to Boston. Twenty thousand men were soon at work building entrenchments around Boston, so that the English troops could not get out to the suburbs where many of them resided. I will now speak of the Battle of Bunker Hill. This battle occurred June 17th. The Americans heard that their enemy intended to fortify Bunker Hill, and so they determined to do it themselves, in order to have it done in a way that would be a credit to the town. A body of men under Colonel Prescott, after prayer by the president of Harvard University, marched to Charleston Neck. They decided to fortify Breeds Hill, as it was more commanding, and all night long they kept on fortifying. The surprise of the English daylight was well worth going from Lowell to Witness. Howell sent three thousand men across and formed them on the landing. He marched them up the hill to within ten rods of the earthworks, when it occurred to Prescott that it would now be the appropriate thing to fire. He made a statement of that kind to his troops, and those of the enemy who were alive went back to Charleston. But that was no place for them, as they had previously set it a fire, so they came back up the hill, where they were once more well received, and tendered the freedom of a future state. Three times the English did this, when the ammunitions and the fortifications gave out, and they charged with fixed bayonets and reinforcements. The Americans were driven from the field, but it was a victory after all. It united the colonies, and made them so vexed at the English that it took some time to bring on an era of good feeling. Lord Howell, referring afterwards to this battle, said that the Americans did not stand up and fight like the regulars, suggesting that thereafter the Colonial Army should arrange itself in the following manner before a battle. However, the suggestion was not acted on. The Colonial soldiers declined to put on a bright red coat and a pillbox cap that kept falling off in battle, thus delaying the carnage, but preferred to wear homespun, which was of neutral shade, and shoot their enemy from behind stumps. They said it was all right to dress up for a muster, but they preferred their working clothes for fighting. After the war, a statistician made the estimate that 9% of the British troops were shot while ascertaining if their caps were on straight. General Israel Putnam was known as the champion rough rider of his day, and once when hotly pursued, rode down three flights of steps, which added to the flight he made from the English soldiers made four flights. Putnam knew not fear or cowardice, and his name even today is the synonym for valor and heroism. End of chapter 14. Chapter 15. Benjamin Franklin. It is considered advisable by the historian at this time to say a word regarding Dr. Franklin, our fellow townsman, and a journalist who was the Charles A. Dana of his time. Franklin's memory will remain green when the names of the millionaires of today are forgotten. Coextensive with the name of E. Rosewater of the Omaha Bee, we will find that of Benjamin Franklin, whose bust sits above the fireplace of the rider at this moment, while a large Etruscan hornet is making a chronological examination of same. But let us proceed to more fully mark out the life and labors of this remarkable man. Benjamin Franklin, formerly of Boston, came very near being an only child. If seventeen children had not come to bless the home of Benjamin's parents, they would have been childless. Think of getting up in the morning and picking out your shoes and stockings from among seventeen pairs of them. Imagine yourself a child, gentle reader, in a family where you would be called upon every morning to select your own cud of spruce gum from a collection of seventeen similar cuds stuck on a windowsill. And yet Benjamin Franklin never murmured or repined. He desired to go to sea and to avoid this, he was apprenticed to his brother James, who was a printer. It is said that Franklin at once took hold of the great Archimedean lever and jerked it early and late in the interests of freedom. It is claimed that Franklin at this time invented the deadly weapon known as the printer's towel. He found that a common crash towel could be saturated with glue, molasses, antimony, concentrated lye, and roller composition. And that after a few years of time and perspiration, it would so harden so that a constant reader or veritus could be stabbed with it and die soon. Many believe that Franklin's other scientific experiments were productive of a more lasting benefit to mankind than this, but I do not agree with them. His paper was called The New England Current. It was edited jointly by James and Benjamin Franklin and was started to supply a long felt want. Benjamin edited it a part of the time and James a part of the time. The idea of having two editors was not for the purpose of giving volume to the editorial page, but it was necessary for one to run the paper while the other wasn't jail. In those days, you could not sass the king. And then when the king came into the office the next day and stopped his paper and took out his ad, put it off on our informants and go right along with the paper. You had to go to jail while your subscribers wondered why their paper did not come and the paste soured in the 10 dippers in the sanctum and the circus passed by on the other side. How many of us today, fellow journalists, would be willing to stay in jail while the Lawn Festival and the kangaroo came and went? Who of all our company would go to a prison cell for the cause of freedom while a double column ad of 16 aggregated circuses and 11 Congresses of ferocious beasts, fierce and fragrant from their native layer went by us? At the age of 17, Ben got disgusted with his brother and went to Philadelphia and New York where he got a chance to sub for a few weeks and then got a regular sit. Franklin was a good printer and finally got to be a foreman. He made an excellent foreman sitting by the hour in the composing room and spitting on the stove while he cussed the makeup and press work of the other papers. Then he would go into the editorial rooms and scare the editors to death with a wild shriek from work copy. He knew just how to conduct himself as a foreman so that strangers would think he owned the paper. In 1730, at the age of 24, Franklin married and established the Pennsylvania Gazette. He was then regarded as a great man and almost everyone took his paper. Franklin grew to be a great journalist and spelled hard words with great fluency. He never tried to be a humorist in any of his newspaper work and everybody respected him. Along about 1746, he began to study the habits and construction of lightning and inserted a local in his paper which he said that he would be obliged to any of his readers who might notice any new or odd specimens of lightning if they would send them in to the Gazette office for examination. Every time there was a thunderstorm, Franklin would tell the foreman to edit the paper and armed with a string and an old dorky, he would go out on the hills and get enough lightning for a mess. In 1753, Franklin was made postmaster of the colonies. He made a good postmaster general and people say there were fewer mistakes in disturbing their mail than there have ever been since. If a man mailed a letter in those days, old Ben Franklin saw that it went to where it was addressed. Franklin frequently went over to England in those days, partly on business and partly to shock the King. He liked to go to the castle with his britches tucked in his boots, figuratively speaking, and attract a great deal of attention. It looked odd to the English, of course, to see him come into the royal presence and, leaning his wet umbrella up against the throne, asked the King, how's trade? Franklin never put on any frills, but he was not afraid of a crowned head. He used to say frequently that a king to him was no more than a seven-spot. He did his best to prevent the Revolutionary War, but he couldn't do it. Patrick Henry had said that war was inevitable and had given it permission to come and it came. He also went to Paris and got acquainted with a few crowned heads there. They thought a good deal of him in Paris and offered him a corn or lot if he would build there and start a paper. They also promised him the county printing, but he said no. He would have to go back to America or his wife might get uneasy about him. Franklin wrote Poor Richard's Almanac in 1732 to 1757 and it was republished in England. Franklin little thought, when he went to the throne room in his leather-writing clothes and hung his hat on the throne, that he was inaugurating a custom of wearing groomed clothes, which would in these days be so popular among the English. Dr. Franklin entered Philadelphia, eating a loaf of bread and carrying a loaf under each arm, passing beneath the window to the girl to whom he afterwards gave his hand in marriage. Nearly everybody in America, except Dr. Mary Walker, was once a poor boy. End of chapter 15. Chapters 16 and 17 of A Comic History of the United States. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. This reading by Allison Hester of Athens, Georgia. A Comic History of the United States by Bill Nye. Chapter 16. The Critical Period. Ethan Allen and Benedict Arnold, on the 10th of May, led two small companies to take under Roga, a strong fortress tremendously fortified and with its name also across the front door. Ethan Allen, a brave vermonter born in Connecticut, entered the Salliport and was shot at by a guard whose musket failed to report. Allen entered and demanded the surrender of the fortress. By whose authority, asked the commandant, by the authority of the great Jehovah and the Continental Congress, said Allen, brandishing his naked sword at a great rate. Very well, said the officer, if you put it on those grounds, all right, if you will excuse the appearance of things, we were just cleaning up and everything is by the heels here. Never mind, said Allen, who was the soul of politeness, we put on no frills at home, so we are ready to take things as we find them. The Americans, therefore, got a large amount of munitions of war, both here and at Crown Point. General Washington was now appointed Commander-in-Chief of all the troops at the second session of the Continental Congress. On his arrival at Boston, there were only 14,000 men. He took command under the historic Elm at Cambridge. He was dressed in a blue broadcloth coat with flaps and reverbs of the same, trimmed with large, beautiful buttons. He also wore buff, small clothes, with openings at the sides where pockets are now put in, but at that time, given up to space. They were made in such a way as to prevent the naked eye from discovering at once, whether he was in advance or retreat. He also wore silk stockings and a cocked hat. The lines of Dryden, starting off, mark his majestic fabric, were suggested by his appearance in general style. He always dressed well and rode a good horse, but at Valley Forge, frosted his feet severely and could have drawn a pension. But no, said he, I can still work at light employment, like being President, and so I will not ask for a pension. Each soldier had less than nine cartridges, but Washington managed to keep General Gage pinned up in Boston. And as Gage knew very few people there, it was a dull winter for him. The boys of Boston had built snow hills on the common and used to slide down them to the ice below, but the British soldiers tore down their coasting places and broke up the ice on the pond. They stood at a long time, rebuilding their playground as often as it was torn down, until the spirit of American freedom could endure it no longer. They then organized a committee consisting of eight boys who were noted for their great philosophical research, and with Charles Sumner Muzzy, the eloquent servant from Milk Street as chairman, the committee started for General Gage's headquarters to confer with him regarding the matter. In the picture, Mr. Muzzy is seen addressing General Gage. The boy in the center with the colored glasses is Marco Bolzeris Cobb, who discovered and first brought into use the idea of putting New Orleans molasses into Boston brown bread. To the left of Mr. Cobb is Mr. Jehoab Nye, who afterwards became the reverend Jehoab Nye and worked with heart and voice for over eight of the best years of his life against the immortality of the codfish ball before he learned of its true relations toward society. Above and between these two stands Whomsoever, Jay Opper, who wrote How to Make the Garden Pay and What Responsible Person Will See That My Grave is Kept Green. In the background, we see the tall form of wherewithal G. Lumpy, who introduced the pompadour haircut into Massachusetts and grew up to be a great man with enlarged joints but restricted ideas. Charles Sumner Muzzy addressed General Gage at some length, somewhat to the surprise of Gage, who admitted in a few well-chosen words that the committee was right and that if he had his way about it there should be no more trouble. Charles was followed by Marco Bozeris Cobb, who spoke briefly of the Boone of Liberty, closing as follows. We point with pride, sir, to the love of freedom, which is about the only excitement we have. We love our country, sir, whether we love anything else much or not. The distant wanderer of American birth, sir, pines for his country. Oh, give me back, he goes on to say, My own flair land across the bright blue sea, the land of beauty and of worth, the bright land of the free, where tyrant foot hath never trod, nor bigot forged a chain. Oh, would that I were safely back in that bright land again. Mr. wherewithal G. Lumpy said he had hardly expected to be called upon, so he had not prepared himself. But this occasion forcibly brought to his mind the words also of the poet. Our country stands, said he, with outstretched hands appealing to her boys. From them must blow her wheel or woe, her anguish or her joys. A ship she rides on, human tides, which rise and sink anon. Each giant wave may prove her grave, or bear her nobly on. The friends of right with armor bright, a valiant Christian band, through God her aid may yet be made a blessing to our land. General Gage was completely overcome and asked for a moment to go apart and think it over, which he did, returning with an air which reminded one of ten nights in a bar room. You may go, my brave boys, and be assured that if my troops molest you in the future or anywhere else, I will overpower them and shrew the common with their courses. Of course he will, said the hairy boy to the right of whosoever Jay Opper, who afterwards became the father of a lad who grew up to be the editor of the Perseflage column of the Atlantic Monthly. Thus the boys of America impressed General Gage with their courage and patriotism and grew up to be good men. An expedition to Canada was fitted out the same winter and an attack made on Quebec, in which General Montgomery was killed and Benedict Arnold showed that he was a brave soldier no matter how the historian may have hopped on him afterwards. The Americans should not have tried to take Canada. Canada was, as Henry Clay once said, a persimmon a trifle too high for the American Pole and it is the belief of the historian whose tears have often wet the pages of this record that in the future Canada will be what America is now, a free country with a national debt of her own, a flag of her own, an executive of her own, and a regular annual crisis of her own like other nations. In 1776, Boston was evacuated. Washington, in order to ascertain whether Lord Howe had a call to fish, cut bait, or go ashore, began to fortify Dorchester Heights, March 17th, and on the following morning he was not a little surprised to note the change. As the weather was raw and he had been indoors a good deal during the winter, Lord Howe felt the cold very keenly. He went to the window and looked at the Americans, but he would come back chilly and ill-tempered to the fire each time. Finally, he hitched up and went away to Halifax, where he had acquaintances. On June 28th an attack was made by the English on Fort Moultrie. It was built of palmetto logs, which are said to be the best thing in the world to shoot into if one wishes to recover the balls and use them again. Palmetto logs accept and retain balls for many years and are therefore good for forts. When the fleet got close enough to the fort so that the brave Charlestonians could see the expression on the admiral's face, they turned loose with everything they had. Grape, canister, solid shot, chainshot, bar shot, stove lids, muffin irons, newspaper cuts, et cetera, et cetera, so that the decks were swept of every living thing except the admiral. General Clinton, by land, tried to draw the attention of the rear gunners of the fort, but he was a poor draftsman and, so retired, in both the land and naval forces quit Charleston and went to New York where board was not so high. July 4th was deemed a good time to write a Declaration of Independence and have it read in the grove. Richard Henry Lee of Virginia moved that, quote, the United Colonies are, end of right ought to be, free in independent states, end quote. John Adams of Massachusetts seconded the resolution. This was passed July 2nd and the report of the committee appointed to draw up a Declaration of Independence was adopted July 4th. The Declaration was dictated by Thomas Jefferson who wrote the most melodious English of any American of his time. Jefferson had a vocabulary next to Noah Webster with all the dramatic power of Dan. He composed the piece one evening after his other work. We give a facsimile of the opening lines. Declaration of Independence. When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature's God entitle them a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separations. End of the facsimile of the opening lines of the Declaration of Independence. Philadelphia was a scene of great excitement. The streets were thronged and people sat down on the nice clean door steps with perfect recklessness. Although the steps had just been cleaned with ammonia and wiped off with a chamois skin it was a day long to be remembered and one that made George III wished he had reconsidered his birth. In the steeple of the old state house was a bell which had fortunately upon it the line proclaim liberty throughout all the land until all the inhabitants thereof. It was wrung by the old man in charge though he had lacked faith up to that moment in Congress. He believed that Congress would not pass the resolution and adopt the declaration till after the election. Thus was the era of good feeling inaugurated both north and south. There was no north then no south no east no west just one common country with Washington acting as father of same. Oh how nice it must have been. Washington was one of the sweetest men in the United States. He gave his hand in marriage to a widow woman who had two children and a dark red farm in Virginia. End of chapter 16. Chapter 17. The beginning of the end. The British army now numbered 30,000 troops while Washington's entire command was not over 7,000 strong. The Hals one a general and the other an admiral now turned their attention to New York. Washington however was on the ground beforehand. Howe's idea was to first capture Brooklyn so that he could have a place in which to sleep at nights while engaged in taking New York. The battle was brief. Howe attacked the little army in front while General Clinton got around by a circuit she was root to the rear of the colonial troops and cut them off. The Americans lost 1000 men by death or capture. The prisoners were confined in the old Sugar House on Liberty Street where they suffered the most miserable and indescribable deaths. The army of the Americans fortunately escaped by Fulton Ferry and a fog. Otherwise it would have been obliterated. Washington now fortified Harlem Heights and later withdrew to White Plains. Afterwards he retired to a fortified camp called North Castle. Howe feared to attack him there and so sent the Hessians who captured Fort Washington November 16th. It looked scaly for the Americans as Motley says and Philadelphia bade fair to join New York and other cities held by the British. The English van could be seen from the colonial rear column. The American troops were almost barefooted and left their bloodstained tracks on the frozen road. It was at this time that Washington crossed the Delaware and thereby found himself on the other side while Howe decided to remain as the river was freezing and when the ice got strong enough cross over and kill the Americans at his leisure. Had he followed the colonial army it is quite sure now that the English would have conquered and the author would have been the Duke of Sandy Bottom instead of a plain American citizen unknown, unhonored and unsung. Washington decided that he must strike a daring blow while his troops had any hope or vitality left and so on Christmas night after crossing the Delaware as shown elsewhere he fell on the Hessians at Trenton in the midst of their festivities captured 1,000 prisoners and slew the leader. The Hessians were having a symposium at the time and though the commander received an important note of warning during the Christmas dinner he thrust it into his pocket and made joy be unconfined. When daylight came the Hessians were mostly moving in alcoholic circles trying to find their guns. Washington lost only four men and two of those were frozen to death. The result of this fight gave the colonists courage and taught them at the same time that it would be best to avoid New Jersey symposiums till after the war was over. Having made such a hit in crossing the Delaware Washington decided to repeat the performance on the 3rd of January. He was attacked at Trenton by Cornwallis who was known in history for his justly celebrated surrender. He waited till morning having been repulsed at sundown. Washington left his campfires burning surrounded the British captured 200 prisoners and got away to Morristown Heights in safety. If the ground had not frozen General Washington could not have moved his 40 cannon but fortunately the thermometer was again on his side and he never lost a gun. September 11th the English got into the Chesapeake and Washington announced in the papers that he would now fight the battle of the Brandywine which he did. Marie Jean Paul Rock Yives Gilbert Montierre Marquis de Lafayette fought bravely with the Americans in this battle twice having his name shot from under him. The Patriots were routed scoring a goose egg and losing Philadelphia. October 4th Washington attacked the enemy at Germantown and was beaten back just as victory was arranging to perch on his banner. Poor Washington now retired to Valley Forge where he put in about the dullest winter of his life. The English had not been so successful in the North. At first the Americans could only delay Burgoyne by felling trees in the path of his 8,000 men which is a very unsatisfactory sort of warfare. But at last Shuler who had borne the burden and heat of the day was succeeded by Gates and good luck seemed to come slowly his way. A foolish boy with bullet holes cut in his clothes ran into St. Ligar's troops and out of breath told them to turn back or they would fill a drunkard's grave. Officers asked him about the numbers of the enemy and he pointed to the leaves of the trees, shrieked and ran for his life. He ran several days and was barely able to keep ahead of St. Ligar's troops by a neck. Burgoyne at another time sent a detachment under Colonel Baum to take the stores at Bennington, Vermont. He was met by General Stark and the militia. Stark said, Here come the redcoats and we must beat them today or Molly Stark is a widow. This neat little remark made an instantaneous hit and when they counted up their string of prisoners at night they found they had 600 souls and a Hessian. Burgoyne now felt blue and unhappy. Besides his troops were covered with wood ticks and had had no washing done for three weeks. He moved southward and attacked Gates at Bemis Heights or as a British wit had it gave Gates a jar near Saratoga. A wavering fight occupied the day and then both armies turned in and fortified for two weeks. Burgoyne saw that he was running out of food and so was first to open fire. Arnold who had been deprived of his command since the last battle probably to prevent his wiping out the entire enemy and getting promoted was so maddened by the conflict that he dashed in before Gates could put him in the guard house and at the head of his old command and without authority or hat led the attack. Gates did not dare to come where Arnold was to order him back for it was a very warm place where Arnold was at the time. The enemy was thus driven to camp. Arnold was shot in the same leg that was wounded at Quebec so he was born back to the extreme rear where he found Gates eating a doughnut and speaking disrespectfully of Arnold. A council was now held in Burgoyne's tent and on the question of renewing the fight stood six to six when an 18 pound hot shot went through the tent knocking a stylographic pen out of General Burgoyne's hand. Almost at once he decided to surrender and the entire army of 6,000 men was surrendered together with arms, portable bathtubs and leather hat boxes. The Americans marched into their camp to the tune of Yankee Doodle which is one of the most imprudent compositions ever composed. During the Valley Forge winter 1777-78 continental currency depreciated in value so that an officer's pay would not buy his clothes. Many having also spent their private funds for the prosecution of the war were obliged to resign and hire out in the lumber woods in order to get food for their families. Troops had no blankets and straw was not to be had. It was extremely sad but there was no wavering. Officers were approached by the enemy with from 100 to 1000 pounds if they would accept and use their influence to affect their reconciliation but with blazing eye and unfaltering attitude each stated that he was not for sale and returned to his frozen mud hole to rest and dream of food and freedom. Those were the untitled nobility from whom we sprung. Let us look over our personal record and see if we are living lives that are worthy of such heroic sires. Five minutes will now be given to the reader to make a careful examination of his personal record. In the spring the joyful news came across the sea that through the efforts of Benjamin Franklin France had acknowledged the independence of the United States and a fleet was on the way to assist the struggling troops. The Battle of Monmouth occurred June 28th. Clinton succeeded Howe and alarmed by the news of the French fleet the government ordered Clinton to concentrate his troops near New York where there were better facilities for getting home. Washington followed the enemy across New Jersey overtaking them at Monmouth. Lee was in command and got his men tangled in a swamp where the mosquitoes were quite plenty and losing courage ordered a retreat. Washington arrived at that moment and bitterly uprated Lee. He used the Flanders method of upgrading it is said and Lee could not stand it. He started towards the enemy and preference to being there with Washington who was still rebuking him. The fight was renewed and all day long they fought. When night came Clinton took his troops with him and went away where they could be by themselves. An effort was made to get up a fight between the French fleet and the English at Newport for their championship but a severe storm came up and prevented it. In July the Wyoming massacre under the management of the Tories and Indians commanded by Butler took place in that beautiful valley near Wilkes Barre, Pennsylvania. This massacre did more to make the Indians and Tories unpopular in this country than any other act of the war. The men were away in the army and the women, children, and old men alone were left to the vengeance of the two varieties of savage. The Indians had never had gospel privileges but the Tories had otherwise they resembled each other. In 1779 the English seemed to have Georgia and the South pretty well to themselves. Provost the English general made an attack on Charleston but learning that Lincoln was after him decided that as he had a telegram to meet a personal friend at Savannah he would go there. In September Lincoln assisted by the French under Diaz Thang attacked Savannah. One thousand lives were lost and Diaz Thang showed the white feather to advantage. Count Pulaski lost his life in this fight he was a brave Polish patriot and his body was buried in the Savannah River. The capture of Stony Point about this time by Mad Anthony Wayne was one of the most brilliant battles of the war. Learning the counter sign from a Negro who sold strawberries to the British the troops passed the guard over the bridge that covered the marsh and gagging the worthy inside guard they marched up the hill with fixed bayonets and fixed the enemy to the number of six hundred. The counter sign was the fort is one and so it was in less time than it takes to ejaculate the word scat. Wayne was wounded at the outset but was carried up the hill in command with a bandage tied about his head he was a brave man and never knew in battle what fear was. Yet strange to say a bat in his bed would make him start up and turn pale. End of Chapter 17 Chapters 18 and 19 of A Comic History of the United States this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org This reading by Alice and Hester of Athens, Georgia A Comic History of the United States by Bill Nye Chapter 18 The Clothes of the Revolution The atrocities introduced into this country by the Tories and Indians caused General Sullivan to go out against the measly enemy whip him near Elmira and destroy the fields of corn in villages in the Genesee country where the Indian women were engaged in farming while their men folks attended to the massacre industry. The weak point within Americans seemed to be a lack of a suitable navy. A navy costs money and the colonists were poor. In 1775 they fitted out several swift sailing vessels which did good service. Inside of five years they captured over 500 ships cruised among the British Isles and it is reported that they captured war vessels that were tied to the English warbs. Paul Jones had a method of running his vessel alongside the enemies lashing the two together and then having it out with the crew generally winning in a canter. His idea in lashing the two ships together was to have one good ship to ride home on. Generally it was the one he captured while his own which was rotten was allowed to go down. This was especially the case in the fight between the Richard and the Syrupist September 23, 1779. In 1780 the war was renewed in South Carolina. Charleston after a 40 day siege was forced to surrender. Gates now took charge of the South and also gave a sprinting exhibition at Camden where he was almost wiped off the face of the earth. He had only two troops left at the close of the battle and they could not keep up with Gates in the retreat. This battle and the retreat overheated Gates and sowed the seeds of heart disease from which he never recovered. He should have chosen a more peaceful life such as the hen traffic or the growth of asparagus for the market. Benedict Arnold has been severely reproached in history but he was a brave soldier and possibly serving under Gates who jealously kept him in the background had a good deal to do with the little European dicker which so darkened his brilliant career as a soldier. Unhappy man he was not well received in England and though a brilliant man was forced to sit in a corner evening after evening and hear the English tell his humorous stories as their own. The Carolinas were full of Tories. An opposition to English rule was practically abandoned in the South for the time with the exception of that made in a desultory swamp warfare by the partition bands with such leaders as Marion Sumter and Pickens $200,000 of continental money was the sum now out. $40 of it would buy $1 worth of groceries but the grocer had to know the customer pretty well and even then it was more to accommodate than anything else that he sold at that price. The British flooded the country with counterfeit that was rather better looking than the genuine so that by the time a man had paid $600 for a pair of boots and the crooked bills had been picked out and others substituted it made him feel that starting a republic was a mighty unpopular job. General Arnold had married a Tory lady and lived in Philadelphia while recovering from his wounds received at Quebec and Saratoga. He was rather a high roller and ran behind so that it is estimated that his bills there per month required a peach basket full of currency with which to pay them as the currency was then quoted. Besides, Gates had worried him and made him think that patriotism was mostly politics. He was also overbearing and the people of Philadelphia mobbed him once. He was reprimanded gently by Washington but Arnold was haughty and yet humiliated. He got command of West Point a very important place indeed and then arranged with Clinton to swap it for 6,315 pounds and a Colonel C in the English Army. Major Andre was appointed to confer with Arnold and got off the ship Vulture to make his way to the appointed place but it was daylight by that time and the Vulture having been fired on dropped down the river. Andre now saw no way for him but to get back to New York but at Terrytown he was met by three patriots who caught his horse by the reins and though Andre tried to tip them he did not succeed. They found papers on his person among them a copy of Punch which made them suspicious that he was not an American and so he was tried and hanged as a spy. This was one of the saddest features of the American Revolution and should teach us to be careful how we go about in an enemy's country also to use great care in selecting and subscribing for papers. In 1781 Green who succeeded Gates took charge of the 2000 ragged and bony troops. January 17th he was attacked at Cowpins by Tarleton. The militia fell back and the English made a grand charge supposing victory to be within reach but the Wiley and Foxy troops turned at 30 yards and gave the undertaking business a boom that will never be forgotten. Morgan was in command of the colonial forces. He went on looking for more regulars to kill but soon ran up against Cornwallis the surrenderer. General Green now joined Morgan and took charge of the retreat. At the Yadkin River they crossed over ahead of Cornwallis when it began for to rain. When Cornwallis came to the river he found it so swollen and restless that he decided not to cross. Later he crossed higher up and made for the Fords of the Dan at 30 miles a day to head off the Americans. Green beat him however by a length and saved his troops. The rider has seen the place on the Yadkin where Cornwallis decided not to cross. It was one of the pivotal points of the war and is of about medium height. A fight followed at Guilford courthouse where the Americans were driven back but the enemy got thinned out so noticeably that Cornwallis decided to retreat. He went back to Washington on a bull run schedule without pausing even for feet or water. Cornwallis was greatly agitated and the coat he wore at the time and now shown in the Smithsonian Institution shows distinctly the marks made where the colonists played checkers on the tail. The Battle of Utah Springs, September 8th also greatly reduced the British forces at that point. Arnold conducted a campaign into Virginia and was very brutal about it killing a great many people who were strangers to him and who had never harmed him not knowing him as the historian says from Adams off ox. Cornwallis in this Virginia and southern trip destroyed 10 million dollars worth of property and then fortified himself at Yorktown. Washington decided to besiege Yorktown and making a faint to full Clinton set out for that place visiting Mount Vernon en route after an absence of six and a half years though only stopping two days. Washington was a soldier in the truest sense and when a lad was given a little hatchet by his father George cut down some cherry trees with this in order to get the cherries without climbing the trees. One day his father discovered that the trees had been cut down and spoke of it to the lad. Yes, said George, I did it with my little hatchet but I would rather cut down a thousand cherry trees and tell the truth about it than be punished for it. Well said my brave boy exclaimed the happy father as he emptied George's toy bank into his pocket and payment for the trees. You took the words right out of my mouth. In speaking of the siege of Yorktown the historian says the most hearty goodwill prevailed. What more could you expect of a siege than that? Cornwallis capitulated October 19th. It was the most artistic capitulation he had ever given. The troops were arranged in two lines spacing each other British and American with their allies the French under Rochambeau. People came from all over the country who had heard of Cornwallis and his wonderful genius as a capitulator. They came for miles and brought their lunches with them. But the general who felt an unnecessary peak towards Washington refused to take part in the exercises himself claiming that by the advice of his physicians he would have to remain in his tent as they feared that he had overcapitulated himself already. He therefore sent his sword by General O'Hara and Washington turned it over to Lincoln who had been obliged to surrender to the English at Charleston. The news reached Philadelphia in the night and when the watchman cried past two o'clock and Cornwallis is taken the people arose and went and prayed and laughed like lunatics for they regarded the war as virtually ended. The old doorkeeper of Congress died of delight. Thanks were returned to Almighty God and George Washington's nomination was a sure thing. England decided that whoever counseled war any further was a public enemy and Lord North then Prime Minister when he heard of the surrender of Cornwallis through a New York paper exclaimed, oh God it is all over. Washington now showed his sagacity in quelling the fears of the soldiers regarding their back pay. He was invited to become king but having had no practice he declined and spoke kindly against taking violent measures. In 1783 September 3rd a treaty of peace was signed in Paris and Washington delivering the most successful fair well address ever penned retired to Mount Vernon where he began at once to enrich his farm with the suggestions he had received during his absence and to calmly take up the life that had been interrupted by the tedious and disagreeable war. The country was free and independent but oh how ignorant it was about the science of government. The author does not wish to be personal when he states that the country at the time did not know enough about affairs to carry water for a circus elephant. It was heavily in debt with no power to raise money. New England refused to pay her poll tax and a party named Shays directed his hired man to overturn the government but a felon broke out on his thumb and before he could put it down the crisis was averted and the country saved. End of Chapter 18 Chapter 19 The First President It now became the duty of the New Republic to seek out the man to preside over it and George Washington seems to have had no rivals. He rather reluctantly left his home at Mount Vernon where he was engaged in trying the rotation of crops and solemnly took the oath to support the Constitution of the United States which had been adopted September 17th 1787. His trip in April 1789 from Mount Vernon to the seat of government in New York was a simple but beautiful ovation. Everybody tried to make it pleasant for him. He was asked at all the towns to build there and most everybody wanted him to come and make their house his home. When he got to the ferry he was not pushed off into the water by commuters but lived to reach the old federal hall where he was sworn in. In 1791 the seat of government was removed to Philadelphia where it remained for 10 years after which the United States took advantage of the Homestead Act and located on a track of land 10 miles square known as the District of Columbia. In 1846 that part of the district lying on the Virginia side of the Potomac was seated back to the state. President Washington did not have to escape from the Capitol to avoid office seekers. He could get on a horse at his door and in five minutes be out of sight. He could remain in the forest back of his house until Martha blew the horn signifying that the man who wanted the post office at Pigback had gone and then he could return. How times have changed with the growth of the Republic. Now Pigback has grown so that the name has been changed to Hogback and the president avails himself of every funeral that he can possibly feel an interest in to leave the swarm of jobless applicants who come to pester him to death for appointments. The historian begs leave to say here that the usefulness of the president for the good of his country and the consideration of greater questions will someday be reduced to very little unless he may be able to avoid this effort to please voters who overestimate their greatness. It is said that Washington had no library which accounted for his originality. He was a vestryman in the Episcopal Church and to see his tall and graceful form as he moved about from pew to pew collecting pints for home missions was a lovely sight. As a boy he was well behaved and a careful student. At one time he was given a hatchet by his father which but what has the historian to do with this morbid wandering in search of truth? Things were very much unsettled. England had not sent a minister to this country and had arranged no commercial treaty with us. Washington's cabinet consisted of three portfolios and a rack in which he kept his flute music. The three ministers were the Secretary of State, the Secretary of War, and the Secretary of the Treasury. There was no Attorney General or Postmaster General or Secretary of the Interior or of the Navy or Seed Catalog Secretary. Hamilton, the Secretary of the Treasury, advised that Congress at the earliest moment provide itself with a national debt which was done. The war debt being assumed by the congressional representatives of the 13 colonies. A tax was levied on spirits and a mint started combining the two and making the mint encourage the consumption of the spirits and thus the increase of the tax very likely. A whiskey rebellion broke out in 1794. Pennsylvania especially rebelled at the tax on this grocery but it was put down. Footnote. Those wishing to know which was put down will find out by consulting the appendix which will be issued a year from this winter. End of footnote. A few Indian wars now kept the people interested and a large number of the Red Brothers under Little Turtle soon found themselves in the soup as Washington put it so tersely in his message the following year. 25,000 square miles north of the Ohio were obtained by treaty from the Indians. England claimed that traffic with America was not desirable as the Americans did not pay their debts. Possibly that was true for muskrat pelts were low at the time and England refused to take cored wood and saw logs piled on the New York landing as cash. Chief Justice Jay was sent to London to confer with the king which he did. He was not invited however to come to his house during his stay and the queen did not call on Mrs. Jay. The Jay's have never recovered from this snub and are still gently guide by the comic papers. But the treaty was negotiated and now the Americans are said to pay their debts as well as the nobility. Who marry our American girls instead of going into bankruptcy, as some would do. The Mississippi and the Mediterranean Sea were open for navigation to American vessels now and things looked better. For we could by this means exchange our cranberries for sugar and barter our Indian relics for camel's hair shawls of which the pioneers were very much in need during their rigorous winters in the north. The French now had a difficulty with England and Washington who still remembered Lafayette and the generous aid of the French wished that he was back at Mount Vernon working out his poll tax on the Virginia roads for he was in a tight place. It was now thought best to have two political parties in order to enliven editorial thought and expression. So the Republican party headed by Jefferson, Madison and Randolph and the Federalist Party led by Hamilton and Adams were organized and public speakers were engaged from a distance. The latter party supported the administration which was not so much of a job as it had been several times since. Washington declined to accept a third term and wrote a first rate farewell letter to the President of the United States to their well-addressed, a lady whose name is withheld writing of those times closes by saying that President Washington was one of the sweetest men she ever knew. John Adams succeeded Washington as President and did not change his politics to amount to much. He made a good record as congressmen but lost it as President largely because of his egotism. He seemed to think that if he neglected to oil the gearing of the solar system about so often it would stop running. We should learn from this to be humble even when we are in authority. Adams and Jefferson were good friends during the revolution but afterwards political differences estranged them till they returned to private life. Adams was a poor judge of men and defended several members of the press who called on him to get his message in advance. Our country was on the eve of a war with France when Napoleon I was made consul and peace followed. Adams administration made the Federalists unpopular owing to the alien and sedition laws and Jefferson was elected the successor of Adams, Burr running as Vice President with him. The election was so close that it went to the House however. Jefferson or the Sage of Monticello was a good President noted for his simplicity. He married and brought his bride home to Monticello prior to this. She had to come on horseback about 100 miles and as the House was unfinished and no servants there they had to sleep on the workbench and eat what was left of the carpenter's lunch. Jeffersonian simplicity was his strong point and people who called at the White House often found him sprinkling the floor of his office or trying to start a fire with kerosene. Burr was Vice President and noticing at once that the office did not attract any attention to speak of decided to challenge Mr. Alexander Hamilton to fight in a duel with him. The affair took place at Weehawken, July 11, 1804. Hamilton fell at the first fire on the same spot where his eldest son had been killed in the same way. The artist below has shown us how Burr and Hamilton should have fought but alas they were not progressive men and did not realize this till too late. Another method would have been to use the bloodless method of the French duel or the newspaper customs adopted by the Pugilists of 1893. The time is approaching when mortal combat in America will be confined to belligerent people under the influence of liquor. A newspaper assault instead of a duel might have made Burr President and Hamilton Vice President. Burr went west and was afterwards accused of treason on the ground that he was trying to organize Mexico against the United States government. He was put in a common jail to await trial. Afterwards he was discharged but was never again on good terms with the government and never rose again. When he came into town and registered at the hotel the papers did not say anything about it and so he stops taking them thus falling into ignorance and oblivion at the same moment. Although at one time he had lacked but a single vote to make him President of the United States. England and France still continued at war and American vessels were in hot water a good deal as they were liable to be overhauled by both parties. England especially with the excuse that she was looking for deserters stopped American vessels and searched them going through the sleeping apartments before the work was up one of the rudest things known in international affairs. The Envargo Act was passed forbidding American vessels to leave Porte an act which showed that the Bray of the Ass had begun to echo through the halls of legislation even at that early day. In the meantime Jefferson had completed his second term and James Madison the Republican candidate had succeeded him at the helm of state as it was then called. His party favored a war with England especially as the British had begun again to stir up the Red Brother. Madison was a Virginian. He was a man of unblemished character and was not too haughty to have fun sometimes. This endeared him to the whole nation. Unlike Adams he never swelled up so that his dignity hurt him under the arms. He died in 1836, genial and sunny to the last. It was now thought best to bring on the war of 1812 which began by an Indian attack at Tipa Canoe on General Harrison's troops in 1811 when the Indians were defeated. June 19th, 1812 war was finally declared. The first battle was between the forces under General Hull on our side and the English and the Indians on the British side near Detroit. The troops faced each other. Takumsa being the Indian leader and both armies stood ready to have one of the best battles ever given in public or private when General Hull was suddenly overcome with remorse at the thought of shedding blood especially among people who were so common and shaking a large tablecloth out the window in token of peace amid the tears of his men surrendered his entire command in a way that reminded old settlers very much of Cornwallis. End of chapter 19