 The Jack Benny program, transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike. You know friends, nothing, no nothing beats better taste, and remember... Lucky tastes better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky tastes better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. For Lucky Strike me, I'm tobacco rich or tainting. Mine's tobacco. Lucky tastes better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky strike, lucky strike. Have you smoked a fresh cigarette lately? You have if you've smoked a Lucky Strike. For Lucky's are definitely fresher, and it takes real freshness to bring you deep down smoking enjoyment. To prove that to yourself, just light up a Lucky. You'll find that Lucky's taste better. Not only fresher, but cleaner and smoother too. That's because they're made of fine, light, naturally mild tobacco. And because they're made better, every Lucky is made round and firm and fully packed to draw freely and smoke evenly. And every pack of Lucky's is extra tightly sealed to bring you that fine tobacco flavor in all its freshness. So be happy, go Lucky. Get the better taste you want in a cigarette and get it fresh. Lucky tastes better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky strike, lucky strike. From the Marine Memorial Theater in San Francisco, California, the Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny, with Mary Livingston, Rochester, dinner's name, I'm Prosby, and here's truly Donwell. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we're broadcasting from the historic city of San Francisco. San Francisco, known the world over for its beautiful golden gate. Its luxurious buildings, its extensive harbor, its gigantic and impressive bridges. It's... By the time he gets to me, I won't mean a thing. Now I know how Berkeley feels. Continue, Don. If this were television, we'd show you several of these ageless wonders, but since this is radio, we can bring you only one ageless wonder, and here he is, Jack Benny. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I've only got two thank yous written here, but I say it three times. Hello again, this is Jack Benny talking, and Don, I'm not gonna bore you out for that introduction. Not that it wasn't clever, but every time someone jokes about my age, it starts a long controversy. Controversy? Yes, I'm 39, and nobody can prove differently. Well, I don't believe you're 39, and I'm going to check with the doctor who delivered you. Well, you can forget it, Don. He died in 1900. Anyway, let's drop the subject. You know, there are plenty of other things to talk about besides my age. This is my final day at the Kern Theater, and I want to thank all the people from San Francisco for making me feel so at home. San Francisco is a beautiful city, and I hate to leave. I don't blame you. What are you going back to Los Angeles? Well, I want to go back on the lark tomorrow night, but I just couldn't get a reservation. Jack, I think I can help you with that. You can? Yeah, I don't like to brag, but I carry quite a bit of weight in this town. Well, Don, would you mind repeating that? I said I carry quite a bit of weight in this town. Don, you carry so much... No, I won't say it. I won't say it. I've been doing good business at the Kern Theater why spoil it, you know? But I've been calling and calling about a reservation on the lark tonight. Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Jack. Mary, I don't know what's come over me, but I've never seen you look so pretty before. I don't know your complexion so clear, your cheeks so rosy. Have you got on your new makeup? No, you've got on your new glasses. Oh, yes, yes. And Mary, I had these glasses made especially for San Francisco. Look at them. Well, I don't see anything different. Look closer. Well, I'll be darned windshield wipers. Yes, sir, not only that, pressed a little button on the bridge of my glasses. Holy smoke built in fog lights. Yes, sir, there's nothing like... Mary, what are you sticking your finger in my ear for? I'm checking your oil. Oh, stop being silly. Well, Mary, we'll soon be leaving San Francisco. Do you have a good time here? Oh, just wonderful, Don. There's so much to do and so much to see. I get a kick out of everything. Even the little things like the cable cars, you know? What's so funny, Mary? Well, I'm laughing at Jack talking about cable cars. I saw him yesterday morning on Powell Street. What happened? Well, when he thought no one was looking, he walked out in the middle of the street, stuck his finger in the slot, hooked it around the cable, and got hooked up the hill for nothing. The way you read that, I didn't think I was going to get up the hill at all. Got hooked up the hill for nothing. Anyway, Mary, I just did that for a gag. Oh, some gag. You were carrying four passengers. Only three counted. One had a transfer. But don't be so smart. Oh, I'm only kidding, Jack. You know, I'll be kind of sorry to leave San Francisco. We've been here for quite a while, and yet there's so many things that we all enjoy seeing again. The top of the mark. Fisherman's War. The Mint. Chinatown. The Golden Gate. The Mint. Wait a minute, Jack. Are you sure there's a mint in San Francisco? Certainly. There are six mints in the United States. They're in San Francisco, Denver, Philadelphia, New York, Seattle, and New Orleans. Oh, is there a mint in Washington, D.C.? No, no, Mary. There are only mints in San Francisco, Denver, Philadelphia, New York, Seattle, and New Orleans. The one in Washington, D.C. is the Bureau of Engravings. Oh, that's where they make the paper money. Yeah. You know, it's funny, but I've never been in a mint. Well, they are kind of hard to get into. Mary, if you want to visit the local mint, I can arrange it for you. Well, you can, Don. Certainly. I carry a lot of weight in this town. Well, Don, that would be... Don, would you mind repeating that? I was afraid of that. I carry a lot of weight in this town. Don, you carry... No, I won't say it. I won't say it. I've got a good summer job at the Mint Company. I don't want to lose it. You're right, Mary. Anyway, Don, do you think you can... Oh, hello, Mr. Benny. Hello, everybody. Oh, hello, Dennis. Dennis, I want to welcome you back to the program. We missed you last week. Well, thanks. How come you weren't on the show last week, Dennis? Oh, I was sick. Oh, yes, yes. I received your telegram. But you never did mention what was wrong with you. Oh, I felt awful. I had to have the doctor and everything. I had chills and fever and temperature and butterflies in my stomach. No kidding. What did the doctor do? Well, he told me to stop eating butterflies. Uh, you take them, will you, Mary? I tire easily. Okay, Jess. Dennis, when did you arrive in San Francisco? Yesterday morning, Mary. Well, what have you been doing since then? Oh, I've been spending most of my time in my hotel room. Oh, we've got a nice place. Yeah, I've got a room with hot and cold running. Hot and cold running water? I don't know. There isn't any bathroom. Dennis, I know I'm silly to ask you this. And the only possible good it can do the program is that Remly might laugh, fall off his stool, and break his guitar. But I'm going to ask it anyway. Yes, sir. First of all, though I want to be sure of my fact, your hotel room has no water and no bathroom. That's right. Well, what do you do when you need a bath? Keep away from people. Well, I asked a stupid question and stupid answers. Dennis, how about singing your song? Yes, sir. And because this is Mother's Day, I'm going to sing Your Mother in Mine. Good. Go ahead, kid. It was Dennis A. singing Your Mother in Mine. Very good, Dennis. It was excellent. And now, ladies and gentlemen... I thought several of my notes were flat. No, no, no, Dennis. They were fine. And now, ladies... My enunciation was horrible. No, no, Dennis. It was perfect. And now, ladies... I thought my phrasing was lousy. Dennis, why do you run yourself down like that? When you're loaded with talent, you have to be modest. Look, Dennis. Come in. Telegram for Jack Berley. Thanks. Here, boy. Here's a tip for you. Oh, boy, you nickel. Now I can go to the top of the mark and have coffee and cimeron rolls. See, they have those cimeron rolls everywhere, don't they? Who's the telegram from Jack? Oh, it's from the manager, the Kern Theater. It says, Dear Jack, you were right. Total attendance yesterday was 4,207 instead of 4,206. How you can count with that spotlight in your eyes, I'll never know. Of course, Mary, I was right. Anyway, I... Oh, hello, Bob. Hi, Jack. Hello, everybody. Well, Bob, our visit to San Francisco is about over. I suppose you'll be glad getting back home to your wife and children, huh? Yes, Jack, but I'll kind of hate to leave. You know, it was right here in this city that I made my start in the entertainment business when I was just a kid. Oh, I didn't know that, Bob. Yes, Mary. My first job was singing with Anson Week's orchestra. I was just 15 years old, and I lasted one whole day. Then Anson told me if I could sound like Bing, he'd rehire me. So the next day I was back auditioning for him. I sang all of Bing's big hits like Blue of the Night, Please, I Surrendered Here, White Christmas, when the swallow... Wait a minute, wait a minute, Bob. You couldn't have sung White Christmas, it wasn't written then. Well, I know, but I was desperate. Did you get the job? No, I had a tough break, Mary. Right in the middle of the audition, my voice changed. Gee, that's a coincidence. When I was 15, my voice changed too. Really, Dennis? Yeah, it got higher. Quiet, Dennis. Uh, Bob, what'd you do after you left Anson Week? Well, I formed my own orchestra, but I had pretty tough sledding. Anyway, we finally landed the job playing at Forbidden City. Forbidden City? Isn't that a Chinese nightclub? Mm-hmm. We were billed as Changmu Crosby's Royal Mongolians and the sweetest music this side of the Emeryville mudflap. Well, Bob, enough of these reminisces. We've got a show to do, and that reminds me. Hey, why did Remly miss rehearsal yesterday? Well, Remly, though. Oh, well, Frankie went to visit his brother. Well, couldn't he be gone the day before? No, yesterday was visiting day. Oh, oh, oh, Remly's brother's in Sam Clinton, huh? No, Alcatraz. What'd he do? Nothing, he's just Remly's brother. You know, Jack, I'd like to visit Alcatraz sometime. You'd like me to arrange a sightseeing tour of Alcatraz for you? I can do it. Really, Don? Certainly. I carry a lot of weight in this town. Don, I don't want to hear any more about how much weight you carry in this town. If I hear that once more, I'll come in. Mr. Benny? Yes? I'm Mr. Jones of Southern Pacific Railway. Oh, yes, yes. You finally get reservations for me on the lark to Los Angeles for tomorrow night? No, sir, I'm sorry, but the best I can do is to get your reservations on Friday. Gee, I can't see why the train should be so crowded tomorrow night. There are 16 cars in that train, aren't there? Yes, sir, but only two of the cars are carrying passengers. Only two? What are the other 14 cars for? They're taking back the money you made up here. You know, that's why I want to be on the same train. I don't want to be lonesome, you know? Aren't there any other trains leaving for Los Angeles tomorrow? Yes, sir, the daylight. What time does it leave? Nine o'clock tomorrow night. Well, wait a minute. If the train leaves at nine at night, why do you call it the daylight? I don't know. We're just a crazy, mixed up bunch of kids. I wish I could get... I wish I could get on tomorrow's lark. I'm sorry, I couldn't arrange that for you, Mr. Benny, but I do have some good news for you. I've got all the reservations for your summer vacation trip exactly as you planned it. Your summer vacation? Where's it going? San Francisco, Denver, Philadelphia, New York, Seattle, and New Orleans. And Mr. Jones, have my trip end in Washington, D.C. I want to see them print some, too. Goodbye, Mr. Jones. Goodbye. Goodbye, Mr. Balzer. He's one of my writers. We finally gave him a part to read. You know, you can save a few bucks that way, you know? And now, kid... Oh, just a second, Jack. Yes, Don. Don't you think it's time for the commercial? Well, I certainly do. What have you got? Well, the sportsmen quartet have been spending a lot of time in Chinatown, and they've arranged the number they feel would be very appropriate for San Francisco. Well, they were in Chinatown. Oh, well, fine, Don. Let's hear it. Okay. Take it, fellas. Chinatown, my Chinatown, Where the lights far go Hearts that know no other land Rifting to and fro Dreamy, dreamy Chinatown All men rise up from Hearts seem white and life is bright In dreamy Chinatown It's Confucius with today Here is what Confucius say Man who got a lucky strike He is sure to have a smoky life Luckies are so nice to puff Very, very good, then never rough After my bowl of rice Too puffed one is so nice They're car and fire We happy, go lucky We happy, go lucky Strike, we happy, go lucky That's what Confucius say Chinatown, my Chinatown Where the lights far go Everyone smokes lucky strikes See those luckies glow Clean and fresh or smooth or small No loose sense to make you found See them tear and then compare In dreamy Chinatown Dragons here and dragons there Chinese dragons everywhere But the one dragon we all lie Is that dragon the lucky strike? See that was really wonderful, Don. As a matter of fact, if I were doing my television show From San Francisco next Sunday I'd have had a Chinese scene in it Just for that number, you know? Jack, you mean to tell me the next Sunday You're doing another television show? That's right, Don. Time certainly flies, doesn't it? You know, sometimes I, uh... Come in. Well, look who's here. Lieutenant Governor Goodwin Knight of California. Hello, Jack. Governor, this is a great pleasure Having you visit us on our radio show. Thank you, Jack, but I'm really here At the request of Governor O'Warn. Gosh, Governor O'Warn. What a coincidence. No, the last time I did a show in San Francisco Seven years ago, he was my guest star. I know, but that's why he sent me here. You haven't paid him yet. Paid him while I was sure I sent him a check. Well, Jack, I was only joking. Governor O'Warn got your check and decided To keep it as a souvenir. He had it framed and keeps it in his office. But how could he get my check back after he cashed it? Oh, he didn't cash it. Good, good. By the way, Governor, I'd like you To catch my stage show at the current theater. I closed tonight, you know. I've already seen the show, Jack. I was there last night. Wait a minute. Last night, Were you sitting in the 14th row right on the aisle? That's right. And you came into the theater about 20 minutes late? Yes, that's right. How did you know? That empty seat had me worried to death. You see, I'm working. I'm working on percentage. And I need all I can make. After all, on April 15th, I had to pay my state income taxes. Back to Sacramento. You did? Yes. Doesn't that make you happy? Why should I? I'm not working on a percentage. Well, you ought to get a different agent. Jack, just a minute, please. What is it, Bob? Well, excuse me, but I'd like to ask the governor something. Well, go ahead. Well, it's confidential, Governor. Do you mind if I whisper it in your ear? No, not at all. Well, Governor, I was... I'm sorry, Bob. Tell Remly, help his brother. That's a federal prison. Oh, well, then you'll just have to continue taking swimming lessons. By the way, Governor, I'd like you to meet the rest of my cast. This is Mary. Hello, Governor. It's awfully nice meeting you. I've been looking forward to meeting you, too, Mary. And last but not least, in my cast, my announcer, Don Wilson. Hello, Governor. Hello, Don. Nice seeing you again. Again? Certainly. Don is very popular up here in San Francisco, and he's very important, too. You see, Jack? You see? Governor, you're not kidding me about Don being important, are you? No, Jack. Don carries a lot of weight in this town. He does? Yes, especially around the Bay Area. He's got gestures and everything. Well, Governor, I guess... That's not a descriptor, you know? Governor, I guess you've met my entire cast, huh? Not yet, Jack. You haven't introduced me to Dennis Day. I know, and someday you'll thank me. Believe me. Jack, it's been a pleasure meeting you and your whole great gang. And if you're ever in Sacramento, call me up and I'll take you to lunch. Lunch? Well, if you haven't got time to have lunch, we can just have some coffee and simmer and rolls. Yes, yes, we will. Well, goodbye, Governor, and thanks for dropping in. Goodbye, Jack. I wish I could get him on my show steady. You know, he's such a sweet guy and so accommodating, but I guess we're going to have to get President Eisenhower on the program if we're going to help Remley's brother, I don't know. Anyway, it was nice of him. Hello? Oh, boss, it's Rochester! Rochester, I've been trying to reach you all day. Where are you? I'm in Sausalito. Sausalito, what are you doing there? Nothing. Nothing? That's the main industry here. What? They got so much of it, they're exported. Oh, you mean things are kind of quiet over there? Quiet? They're just the rest of the silk world for disturbing the peace. Now, wait a minute, Rochester. I didn't give you permission to go over there. I know, boss, but I had a couple of spare hours on my hands. Uh-huh. And I was... Well, I was kind of lonesome. Yeah? And then I remembered I knew a girl over here in Sausalito. Yeah? And it's spring now, boss. Spring! All right, so what happened? Main industry, nothing. Well, look, Rochester, whether any calls or messages for me at the hotel Well, just before I left, the music critic from one of the San Francisco newspapers came to interview you. Uh-huh. So I told him everything I knew about your career as a comedian. Well, good, good. Then he wanted to know how you personally classified yourself as a violinist. How I classified myself? Yeah, so I told him that you thought your tone wasn't as resonant as it should be. You told him that? Yeah, then I told him you thought your fingering was clumsy and your bowing was awkward. Rochester, why did you tell him that? Boss, even when you haven't got it, you've got to be modest. I guess so. Well, goodbye, Rochester. Ladies and gentlemen, everybody fears fire in the home. Yet most of them are caused by sheer carelessness. Check faulty heating equipment, ducts and flus keep matches away from children. Don't smoke in bed, empty ice trays before retiring. Extra care is the best safeguard against fire. Remember, only you can prevent fires. Thank you. That will be back in just a moment. But first, nothing. No, nothing beats better taste. And remember... Lucky tastes better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky tastes better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. For what do you strike me? Mine tobacco, richer tasting. Mine tobacco. Lucky tastes better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky strikes. Lucky strikes. In spite of all you hear about cigarette smoking today, one basic truth remains. It's the taste of a cigarette that counts. Nothing. No, nothing beats better taste. And Lucky's tastes better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. There are good reasons for it. Lucky's are made better to taste better. Made round and firm and fully packed to draw freely and smoke evenly. Naturally, that will give you a better smoke. Then, too, better taste in a cigarette must begin with the tobacco. And L-S-M-F-T, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Fine, like, mild tobacco with its own wonderful aroma and a taste that's even better. So remember friends, only fine tobacco in a better made cigarette can give you Lucky's better taste. Next time, ask for a carton of Lucky Strike. Be happy, go lucky, get better taste today. Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank all of the people of San Francisco for being so nice to me. I want to thank Lieutenant Governor Goodwin Knight for appearing on my show. Next week, we'll not only be broadcasting from Hollywood, but we'll be doing another television show. And to all mothers everywhere, a very happy Mother's Day. Oh, Mr. Benny, I'm mad at you for not introducing me to Governor Knight. Why? What a great team we'd make, night and day. Good night, everybody. Jack Benny Program is written by Sam Perron, Milt Josephsburg, George Balzer, John Takaberry, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks. Be sure to hear The American Way with Forrest Height for Lucky Strike every Thursday over this same station. Consult your newspaper for the time. Jack Benny Program is brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes. Stay tuned now for the Amazin' Andy Show which follows immediately over most of these same stations. This is the CBS Radio Network. Thank you very much.