 The Abed and Costello program starring Fudd Abed and Lou Costello brought to you by Camel, the cigarette of costlier, properly aged tobacco. The Abed and Costello program with the music of Carl Hoff and his orchestra are singing star Amy Arnell and spotlighting that chunky, chubby little cherub who went caught putting a needle and thread in his Uncle Lardy Stebbins pocket because he heard him say he was going out on a tear. Comely said, well, what are you doing in those pajamas? Oh, but I've been a boy and I've figured out my income tax. Boy, am I happy. I'm going to pay less than I ever paid before. How is that? I put the government down as a dependent. Listen, Costello, why do you ask me to help you with your income tax? Oh, why should I ask you? Well, because I happen to have a business school diploma and that makes me a certified public accountant. I beg your pardon? I'll make you what? A certified public accountant. Well, I've got electricity in my hair. Does that make me a bridge lift? I know. Talk sense, please. Let me see your income tax blank. Oh, I'm not using a blank this year, Rabbit. I'm making out my tax return on my handkerchief. On a handkerchief? What's your idea? This year I'm paying through the nose. That's ridiculous. First, tell me, who has to file an income tax? Everybody but babies. Why not babies? Of course, they can't tell you what they want taken off. I tell you, look, will you be serious? What does the blank say about salaries? Well, it says like this. Where did I read it? Read it carefully. Yeah. Salaries are income received from others consisting of wages, fees, commission bonuses and other compensation for personal services and interest accrued and excessive exemption. And anyone around my base is it. How did I get in there? What does it say? What does it say about Schedule A? Oh, Schedule A. Yes. Schedule A. It says C, paragraph 5, Schedule B. Well, what does that Schedule B say? It says, run around paragraph B and detour to paragraph 7. Never mind. What does it say in paragraph 7? It says, you won't give up, eh? No. Let's go back to Schedule A. Let's go back to Schedule A. Read it. Go ahead. All right. Now, Schedule A says, Section 4 says, total net short term capital gains enter as item 10. Count up five, up a six, lower seven, stick them up long range, or deduct the cover. Can you cut out the silliness, Costella? I'll answer this question. What is your income? Oh, about three o'clock in the morning. No, no, no. I'm talking about your income, less withholding tax. The answer to that is obvious. Obvious? Okay, I'll write the answer down. Now, go ahead. How do you spell obvious? No, no, no, no. I better break the question up for you. Okay. Here you have it. After you got it broken up, will you do me a favor? Why? Throw it away. Look, let's go on with the next question. Are you living with husband and wife? I have no wife, and I'm not living with my husband. Oh, you left him, eh? Why did you do it? Ah, because he was very mean to me, and he beat me over to have one of the wives. I don't know why, wait a minute. I don't know, ma'am. Love, Castella. If you're single, what are the names of your parents? Papa and Mama. Look, what was your mother's name before she got married? I don't know. I can know her then. Oh, okay. Well, we'll come back to that later. Remember, you can't cheat or you'll deprive the government of money they need. What do they need for? Well, for instance, the government needs money to build bridges. Do you know why we have to have more bridges? Sure, to keep the taxpayers coming across. No, no, no. No, no, no. We need the money for public works. Like, for instance, the FHA. Do you know anything about the FHA? Is that anything like OB? What is OB? That's BO, spell backwards. No, no, no, no, Castella. The FHA is the Federal Housing Administration. Now, suppose you wanted to build a house for $10,000, and you only had $7,000. What would you do? Marry a game with $3,000. Well, there's no sense talking money with you. You don't even know the difference between capital and labor. Oh, yes, I do. If I loan you $10, that's capital. That's right. But when I try to get it back, that's labor. Now, there you go again. Look, here, I'll explain it to you. Capital is the useful expenditure that employs labor. For example, you go into a store and you spend a dollar. What do I buy? Well, now look, that doesn't make any difference. It makes a difference to me. When I spend a dollar, I want to know what I'm getting. I'm only using... Thank you, Mom. Never mind that. To me, I'm trying to straighten out your affairs here. I'm only trying to use that as an example. I'm trying to make a point. Yeah, but you're shooting my money. No, look. I'm only trying to show you how money circulates. Suppose you spend a dollar. It starts to circulate. 30 cents of your dollar might wind up in the pocket of some man in New Hampshire. What's his name? What's whose name? That guy in New Hampshire that just clipped me for 30 cents. No, no, no. That's just an illustration. The man could be in Florida. How do you like that? Now he went south with my 30 cents. You know so little about money, it's the wonder you are able to pay your taxes at all. Oh, I've got all the money I need to pay my taxes. Then what is worrying you? Well, I can borrow a couple of bucks to live on. Oh, no, no. Well, that's the silliest thing I ever heard of. Listen, Gastilla, no matter how much taxes there are, the government always leaves you something. Oh, yeah. Do you know my girlfriend, Lina Gensler? Yeah. Well, she walked into the tax office wearing a hat by Dashay, a dress by Scapparelli, and jewels by Tiffany. And when she got through paying her taxes... What happened? She walked out wearing a beard bow, bowing by Slicks. Ah! Look at a map of the United States. Let your eyes travel to practically any town on that map and you'll be a place where some doctor was asked the question, what cigarette do you smoke, doctor? Three leading independent research organizations put the question to 113,000 doctors from border to border, from coast to coast. And the brand most named by doctors was Camels. Certainly you'll say, if you're a camel smoker now, why not? Why shouldn't a doctor go for that rich, full flavor and cool mildness just as I do? And if you're not a camel smoker, try a pack right away. According to a recent nationwide survey, more doctors smoke camels than any other cigarette. It's Carl Hoffer, the camel orchestra with their swing styling of Who's Sorry Now. Castella, will you please listen to me? Tomorrow's a deadline to pay your income tax. Now where are you going to get the money? I don't know, Abbott. Will you want me the money? No, sorry, Castella. I never loan money. You loan money to a person and you lose his friendship. That's all right, Abbott. I've got too many friends anyway. I need some money. I bet you're positive, Harry boy. I gotta get a message to my wife. Could I use your fountain pen? Your fountain pen? Your fountain pen? My fountain pen? No, your telephone. Okay, there's the phone over there. Oh, thank you, thank you. Hello, operator. I want to talk to my wife in Glendale. In Glendale. In Glendale. In Glendale? No, pass it in now. The number is 135-711-4684. That is not a dialed telephone. Castella, buddy, you let Castella come in here in the middle of our business and thought all this disturbance. Now, don't get excited, buddy. This is a very important call. My wife has been getting out of line lately and I've got to tell her off. Oops, that's it. Hello, Emma. Yeah? Yeah, this is me. Oh, is that so? Well, you can expect me home in 15 minutes. What? Well, put it back on the stove and keep it hot for me. Goodbye. Oh, are you trying to tell her off, mister? Do you think she'll do it? Oh, sure. She knows I can't wash dishes in cold water. Come on, fatty boy. Fatty boy. Boy? No, stubby. You've got to get the money to pay your taxes. Hey, come on. Let's go across the hall to Mrs. Niles. I'd love to talk nice to her, Castella. She might loan you the money. Hello, Mr. Rabbit. Oh, you brought back the wash tub you borrowed. What? What wash tub? Oh, oh, pardon me. That's Castella. If you hadn't said that, Mrs. Niles, I was just going to tell you that you look like a million dollars. Castella, you never saw a million dollars. That's right. You look like something I never saw before. Look like that, Castella. I think Mrs. Niles is beautiful. She has a lovely smile. Oh, thank you, Mr. Rabbit. I should have a lovely smile. I go to see my dentist twice every year. Yes, ma'am. Once for each tooth. I wouldn't talk if I were you, Castella. I just saw your latest picture called The Little Giant. Oh, you did? How'd you like it? Oh, I thought it was very funny. Thank you. But with you in it, they should have called it the oversized wart. I heard you tell Castella off, dear. Oh, you're so refreshing, dear. You're my little grapefruit. Oh, no, get it. You're my little grapefruit. Oh, no. I insist that you're my little grapefruit. And I insist that you're my little grapefruit. Ladies and gentlemen, you just heard from a couple of old squirts. Hi, Castello. Remember what you're here for? Oh, yes. Mrs. Niles, I need money to pay my income tax. Could you lend me $500, please? $500? Mm-hmm. Sir, Castello, I haven't that much money. Didn't you get any money from the accident? I would have been. I never had any accident. Don't tell me you were born with that bush. I refuse to argue with you. You're no gentleman. In my day, men didn't fight with women. In your day, the men were too busy fighting the Indians. Well, you certainly fixed yourself with Mrs. Niles. What are you going to do now? Hey, wait a minute. Why don't you call your Aunt May? She has a stocking full. I'd rather call Betty Grable. She's got two stockings full. Look, you've got to get the money somewhere, Castello. Let's go around the neighborhood and see if you can get it from some of your friends, huh? Okay. It's the actress, Pussy Maymucho. Hello, Miss Mucho. Hello, boys. Aren't you working today, Miss Mucho? Well, I was working in a picture with Om-G-Om, and they had to postpone it. The leading man had a severe talk of streptococcus. Streptococcus? Ah, sure, Addy. You know what streptococcus is. That's where you get those little boobs in your tussles. Listen, Missy, Castello's trying to borrow some money to pay his income tax. That's easy. Whenever I need cash, I go to the bonk. Bonk? Which from a bonk? Nah, it forces. Good luck to you, Mr. Castello. And, uh, are we the same, too? And a hot-windy sandwich for you, too? Castello, do you realize that your income tax payment has to be in tomorrow? Oh, here, let's stop in here and see our old friend, Scotty Brown. We'll take a chance. I wish you would not knock on my door like this. When you come to my house, it's bad. I'm going to accept the termites and they start chewing on the foundation. Hey, Scotty, old friend, I'm in trouble and I need $500 to pay my income tax. Oh, I'd like to help you, Addy, but I just suffered a terrible financial setback. Financial setback? What happened? Well, I bought a pound of rice for supper. And when I was counting the kernels to see that I got a full pound, a terrible thing happened. One of the kernels rolled down the drain pipe. Well, Castello, this is what you get for waiting until the last minute to pay your taxes. Now, what are you going to do? What are you going to do? Can you please loan me some money? No, no, I'm sorry, Castello. I paid my taxes last week and I don't ever send. I'm a pauper. Well, congratulations, Addy. What was it, a boy or a girl? I didn't know you were a pauper. Will you stop the stances, please? Now, you need money to pay your taxes, don't you? Yeah. Well, why don't you go into this phone booth and get rid of any of your money? Well, that's a good idea, Rabbit. Well, let him loosen up. Good old Uncle Addy Steppins. Hey, he wouldn't turn me down. Number, please. Operator, give me my Uncle Addy Steppins. Beverly Hills, 3-1-2. Hello? Hello, Uncle Addy. This is movie Castello. How are you, Uncle Addy? Just fine. What can I do for you, Louie? Uncle Addy, I have to pay my income tax and I want it if you can loan me $500. Talk louder. I can't hear, Louie. I can't hear, Louie. Hey, Mr. Steppins, this is the operator. And I can hear him very playin'. Then you loan him the money. This study of doctor's cigarette preferences went practically everywhere, into skyscrapers on New York's Fifth Avenue, the mountains of Tennessee, the New England Hills, and the Bayou country of Louisiana, into every state of the 48th. What cigarette do you smoke, doctor? Was the query. And the result? Well, the brand name most was camel. Try camels on your own T-zone. That's tea for taste and tea for throat. The most critical laboratory for testing a cigarette. See how your taste responds to camel's rich, full flavor. How your throat reacts to the cool mildness of its superb blend of costlier tobaccos. According to a recent nationwide survey, more doctors smoke camels than any other cigarette. Well, camel fans everywhere. Here's lovely Amy Arnell to sing. One Z, two Z, I'll kiss you Z, two Z, three Z, you kiss me Z, three Z, four Z, kiss some more Z, let's start counting higher. Four Z, five Z, let's get live Z, five Z, six Z, hug me quick Z, six Z, seven Z, this Z, heaven Z, my heart's on a flyer. Keep the numbers going till the song is done. Seven Z, eight Z, you my date Z, eight Z, nine Z, eight Z, five Z, nine Z, ten Z, star of Gen Z, one Z, two Z, I love you Z. Racy, horsey, run Z, one Z, bet Z, wet Z, lose my MUN Z, try again Z, in a frenzy after Santa needs a baseball player striking out Z, me no lump, I shout Z, wild Z, take your base Z, drive me crazy, my heart skips a beat Z, keep the numbers rising till the song is done, I'll keep vocalizing and we'll have lots of fun. Thirty B's is in the trees Z, always sing these melodies Z, nine Z, ten Z, starts again Z, one Z, two Z, three Z, four Z, five Z, six Z, seven Z, eight Z, nine Z. Well, come on, Castella, walk faster. I can't, I walked all over town, nobody will loan me $500 to pay my taxes. Well, it's your own fault. What do you do with all your money? Well, it cost me a lot of money to live. Yesterday I spent over $1,000 for car fare. $1,000? Yeah. Come now, come. How could you spend $1,000 in one day for street car fare? I forgot to ask for transfers. Castella, why don't you save your money? Do you realize that if you save $10 a week, only $10 a week, in 10 years you'd have $20,000. Just think, Castella, if a depression came along, you'd have $20,000. Suppose we don't have a depression in 10 years. There I am, stuck with all that money. Castella, there's only one way to raise your tax money. You've got to borrow the money from a loan company. Come on, I think there's one down the street. Pardon me, young man. Did you know how to get to the office of the OPA? No, I don't. Well, you go down this street. Turn to the left the next floor. Wait a minute, wait a minute. And then you come here. I have to get to the office of the OPA. Well, you go down. Look, Castella, let's smell and hear. Brush the street to the loan office to buy us some money. I'll see you later. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Where are you going to be later? I don't know. I might be anywhere. Oh, now I should chase all over town looking for you, huh? I should leave my poor doubting wife sitting alone while I'm running all over town looking for you. No, it's only the wife. Stay with her. Stay with her every minute. Oh, 24 hours a day, I got to look at her ugly puss, huh? Well, what do you want to see me about, Castella? I don't want to see you. Oh, I don't want to see me, huh? And why did you say you'd see me later? That's just an all-expression like your father's mustache. What's wrong? What's wrong with my father's mustache? Nothing. I'd like to see it. Oh, you would, huh? Get this guy. My father's been dead for 20 years. He wants me to dig him up just so he can see what his mustache does. What? My income tax. You come here and you're driving me to distraction. I got to drive you, huh? Too proud to walk. I love walking. I think everybody should walk. Oh, fine thing. My brother John sells bicycles. But no, you say everybody should walk. I've got none against bicycles. Thanks, John. I hope you make some fortune. Sure. His income tax isn't high enough now, huh? Why does his income tax is too high? He shouldn't pay so much. Oh, he should cheat the government, huh? Look, Malahit, anybody that cheats the government is a no-good rat, a heel, a chiseler, and a thief. Go on, hint. My children are ashamed of me. Look, Malahit, your children aren't ashamed of you. They've never been ashamed of you. No, then why didn't they come to see me last summer in Alcatraz? I hope you're satisfied, Castello. Now you've told everybody in the company I'm a convict. I ought to punch you right in your fat nose. Now you got me good and mad, Malahit. Put up your hands. All right, my hands are up. And my hands are up. And my hands are up. And my hands are up. All right, all right, our hands are up. Well, what are you gonna do about it? Let's play patty cake. Come on, Castello. Let's get into the loan office and get that tax money. Hurry up. Abbott. What? I don't know whether I want to borrow any money from a loan company or not. Suppose my friends found it out. Oh, nonsense. See that sign up there? Confidential loan company. Wait a minute. Here comes the man now. Good morning. I would like to. I was just going to. All I want. This guy is losing compression. I'm sorry, but you'll have to speak in a whisper. This is a confidential loan company. Understand? Everything here is strictly confidential. I am Mr. I. O. Silver. I arranged the loans. Oh, I. O. Silver, the loan arranger. I'll ask you a few simple questions. Where were you born? I don't know. But you must know. Where was your mother at the time? She was in Chicago. When you were born in Chicago? No, I wasn't. I was traveling with my Uncle Arnie Stevens at the time. Tell me, will you talk sense into the man? Please, please. What day of the week were you born on? Thursday. How did you know it was Thursday? Of course, the next day we had fish. So I told you to cut that out, didn't I? Quiet now, Lou. Remember, we must keep this strictly confidential. Now, are you the only child? No, I was one of triplets. Triplets? What were they, all boys? No, one was a boy and one was a girl. But you said triplets. What was the other one? I don't know. The day we were born, the third one flew away and we never found out. Be serious. Now, listen, what's your name? What's your name and how much money do you want to borrow? Well, my name is Luke Castello. And I'm going to be able to borrow $500 if you'll promise to keep it very confidential. My dear boy, that is the name of our company. The confidential won't help me. Now, I don't have $500 in the office right now, but I'll call one of my associates right down the block. We'll keep it all very confidential, of course. Okay. Pardon me while I open the window. Castello, will you keep your voice down? Hey, Sam, have you got $1,000? Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I only need $500. Quiet. I need $500 for myself. Come on, Abbott. Come on. I'm getting out of this place. Wait a minute, Castello. The man will get the money. Yeah, but everybody in the world will know that I want to borrow money. That's ridiculous, young man. Maybe one or two people might heard me, but they'll forget all about it. Well, if it's just one or two people heard you, then I guess it's all right. Extra, extra. Look, Castello's broke. Mr. Camel Cigarettes in just a moment. And now, tonight's salute to the men in the armed forces who won through to victory. Tonight, we hail the famous 102nd Ozark Division, heroes of the Siegfried Line, the Rohr and Munkengladbach. Since the beginning of the war, the makers of camels have sent over 150 million free camels to our fighting men overseas. But now, with demobilization and progress, free camels are sent to servicemen's hospitals instead. This week, the camels go to Veterans Hospital Wadsworth, Kansas, U.S. Marine Hospital Chicago, Illinois, U.S. Army AAF Regional and Convalescent Hospital Coral Gables, Florida, U.S. Naval Hospital Memphis, Tennessee, and Veterans Hospital Palo Alto, California, in your honor, men of the Ozark Division. Now, we broadcast to practically every area in the world where our men are stationed and to our good neighbors in Central and South America. And I'll hear about Abbott and Luke Costello in the final word. Well, Costello, do you want to feel pretty good now that you've got your income tax all figured out? Oh, yeah, Abbott. There was nothing to it. In fact, I feel like an expert and I'm coming down in the middle of the audience and I'm going to help all you people with your income tax. No, no! Hey, you don't know how smart I am. Well, if you're so smart, tell me, why is a lollipop like a race horse? I don't know. Why is a lollipop like a race horse? The more you lick it, the faster... Folks! Good night, everybody, and don't forget... Be sure to tune in next week for another great Abbott and Costello show brought to you by Camel Cigarettes. And remember, try camels in your tea zone. See if they don't suit your taste, your throat, to a tea. C-A-M-E-L-S. National joy smoke. That's Prince Albert smoking tobacco. Yes, Prince Albert is smoked by more pipes than any other tobacco on earth. For Prince Albert is choice mellow tobacco, crimp cut for slow, cool burning, specially treated to take out parts and sting and tongue bite. Pack your pipe with Prince Albert for pleasure in every puff. And be sure on Saturday night to tune in the great Prince Albert radio show, Grand Ole Opry, Coast to Coast on NBC. Be sure to listen at this very same time next week for the Abbott and Costello show for Camel Cigarettes. Thursday night is all-star night on NBC. Stay tuned for Rudy Valley over most of these stations. This is Ken Niles in Hollywood, wishing you all a pleasant good night for Camel. This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.