 This this is way how a man shows you he's he's actually showing you respect when he all right Let's talk about those five ways a guy is gonna show that he respects you You know, it's interesting because this morning I did a video a short video about how Women how men excuse me. What was it about? What a woman can do what a man thinks is respectful from a woman So I thought I'd do the reverse here today. So if you did happen to catch that I wanted to say covering both ends of the spectrum being the men and women and Lately I've been really fascinated with the idea particularly in the dating process I've been fascinated with the idea of around respect and what I mean to say it seems to me Seems to me lately that there's a lack of respect by both genders in the dating process I'm repeat there There's a lack of respect from both genders from the dating process from certainly things like ghosts Sting and and not returning a phone call to taking a long time to respond just to give you a few examples but and and and you know, it's interesting swiping on someone and then never reaching out to them I'm using mostly talking about dating apps And certainly when someone writes you a beautiful letter and not Acknowledging it and I not to suggest that you have to do that all the time But I certainly believe that there's a level of respect in the beginning stages that I think translates to the two We'll talk about the pre-dating and then the dating period And I think because there's a lack of respect in the pre-dating that it does bleed over into the dating process And I believe that is partly because human beings operate rather selfishly in the dating process I'm repeat that I believe human beings operate selfishly Now I think part of the reason is that For the most part when you're meeting a total stranger and you know nothing about them You don't know their background. You don't know their history. You don't know their friends You know so little about them and these days in the dating realm Most of the time not always but most the time we're meeting total strangers And so because of that folks tend to focus more on their own needs Instead of the needs of the other person and that just makes sense, right? You know and and think about this even dr. The Gottman's who I talk about frequently in my video And if you haven't checked out the Gottman Institute I highly recommend checking out their website because there's a plethora of Information to help couples really bond together and such that's their air of expertise Well, I read something some years back talking about the three phases of love is we start from the phase of I need my needs met I need my needs met. So what are the needs that you know, for example men need they operate from the premise? I want sex as an example Now I'm going to use an example from a woman's perspective. I need a man to pay for the date, okay? And and that's not coming from a either one of those isn't coming from it's not coming from the other person's point of view It's coming from your own individual point of view So can you see why the dating process right from the get-go can right from the get-go? Can be a little bit disrespectful if you're operating from your own needs now, certainly You're not going to operate from a place of you know, think about it Operating from a place of giving to another who hasn't given to you And I don't you know giving love to someone you don't know yet that makes sense and Certainly the early stages of dating is kind of a feeling out period of one another But there's also this lack of respect that I've noticed Certainly in the area of Communication in the area of communication there almost seems like a disrespect and this is just my point of view here From what I've observed and believe me I've talked to Thousands of women in the dating realm and I can tell you that I've seen a lot of Disrespect from that from what I've heard from my clients now I can tell you as a man out there who's single looking for love. I felt Disrespected by women. So can you see why it's a dysfunctional dating process today? In fact, I I continually say this I say this with real sadness that it's a rather shit show out there Part of it is because these devices and I want everyone to think about this for a moment, you know, I was reading I was watching a video with two evolutionary biologists Talking and this had nothing to do with dating, but they were talking particularly of the effects of technology in our world And how think about it literally elect, you know, if the humans beings I don't know how long they've been on the planet with her 200,000 years, but certainly civilized human beings. We go back 10,000 years. So if 10,000 years, do you realize that? Electricity was invented only a hundred years ago. So there were none of these things There wasn't even this way for me to communicate with you So we are in brand new territory because of technology and in particular the technology Surrounding the dating realm this online dating process and think about it think about this for a moment if right now in history We didn't have online dating During the pandemic in fact, how are people going to meet our people going to connect? They weren't going out to work. They were stuck at home Many of many people were not all but they weren't meeting in their work environment. They weren't even socializing. So we only had this Medium to meet people and why I'm saying the challenge with this is that and I'm gonna get to the point of gaining respect in a moment But I think this is a really important point is that, you know, most people and I and I said earlier This has to do with communication Most humans weren't designed to communicate via our phones and what I mean particularly with our thumbs That's not a real Very few of us were trained at Communicating with our thumbs and what I mean to say is we don't necessarily what's here doesn't come out in our thumbs Because it's oftentimes short, you know bursts of conversations You know text message was really designed like hey, I'm running five minutes later. What's your address to your house? It wasn't for true communication and furthermore think about this if communication is 90% non-verbal I mean, it's it's it's in three dimensions as you're seeing hands moving You can you can see the facial gestures and and more importantly you can get their pheromones involved This is where a lot of communication is missed and there's a lot of struggle going on and this is where a lot of the disconnect happens in particular with a level of respect because most humans haven't really been prepared for this much Technology and I got to share something with you all My computer crashed yesterday and I went into an absolute panic attack I mean literally I was shaking so much that I called my son. There's a picture of Colin I said Colin please meet me at the store I gotta buy a new computer because I gotta shoot a video today and I was in such terror Because I'm a I'm in that baby boom Gen X period where we didn't were raised with technology I mean, I was sharing with my son I grew up when there was originally black and white television and it was a big deal when we got our first Calculator when I was growing up. I mean, let me tell you something. That was a big deal in the house a Calculator now they give them away at grocery stores and I'm bringing this up is because humans weren't designed That was certainly we are designed for that's not fair to say but we I don't believe we were prepared for this much infusion of technology in our lives and When somebody said that computers were user friendly, I can tell you I was trying to figure out the Lighting on my keyboard with this new computer and it took me an hour just to figure out how to do it And this was after doing research. All right, so you're probably going Jonathan. What about the topic? Listen, I think this is important to understand that a lot of disrespect is usually centered around The inability to communicate effectively with our thumbs number one I also believe that the vast majority of human beings have terrible relationship skills and Emotional maturity skills if you're not familiar with my emotional maturity chart I show it pretty frequently, but I believe roughly, you know 60% of the population has dysfunctional relationship skills and what that really means is that ability to really To really communicate effectively with another human being and this certainly true in the workplace as well There are a lot of people that don't like each other that work together because they have poor communication skills So What does this have to do with this topic? How does a man gain your respect? Well, I think how a person shows up in the early stages of the dating process gives you an indication if they're actually capable of Leaning into a healthy happy relationship not leaning back But leaning into a healthy happy relationship So we're gonna talk about those five ways a guy is gonna show gain What is the topic again five things men do to gain your respect? Having a little brain fart right now. So here's my notes. So let's talk about it right now One thing I do want to say though In the Gottman's work and I by the way, I talk about this book Frequently the eight dates by doctors John and Julie Gottman and why I bring this up is this is a great book To help you understand the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship and this actually creates eight separate conversations That are critical to determining if you're a good fit with one another and the beauty of this book It actually is a great basis for developing emotional Or developing intimacy which eventually leads to emotional safety and think about respect feeling respected and Feeling trust in a relationship Makes you feel safe feeling respected feeling trust and trust is all about I want you everyone to think about this This isn't about fidelity. This isn't about trusting that your partner won't sleep with someone else real trust is The person cares about your feelings as much as you care about your feelings The person cares about your feelings as much as you care about your feelings You know it fascinates me and I've mentioned this before I'm doing another squirrel here for a moment I'll get to the topic in a second. So give me a second, but you know, it's fascinating to me People will have sex with one another But sometimes I mean they may not know the person's last name Those are usually those hookup situations, but you might not even know the person's birth date You might not know the person's favorite color. You might not know their two closest friends You might not know where they grew up where they went to high school There's so many things you don't know about a person and yet the penis will get to go inside the vagina with little or no You know real Awareness of who this other this person is isn't that fascinating? I mean it didn't used to be that I mean I'll tell you when I was single growing up I mean we had to jump through a lot of hoops before we got laid Well, this was if we didn't meet someone at a bar because if you met someone at a bar Alcohol had a way of breaking down all kinds of their Boundaries and I'm not recommending that I'm just saying, you know used to be that's where we met people That's when I was growing up We'd go dancing we'd go to bars because that's where you met people now We can meet people online and the beauty of meeting people online is we can actually pre-qualify our prospect if we choose to learn the skills to ask better questions in the early stages to Determine does this person share my values is this person's lifestyle blendable with mine and lastly does this person? You know, maybe you can ask enough questions where you can determine is this person even emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship All right. I've gone through my little rhetoric now. I'm gonna get to those five things I know you're waiting so and I see that the the chat box is rolling right now. So number one Number one, he listens and acknowledges your point of view. He listens and acknowledges your point of view and more importantly He listens and acknowledges your feelings One of the fundamentals of good relationship skills that actually help couples last the go the distance Is that ability to listen to the other person's point of view and actually Acknowledge and accept that person's point of view as being true for them Conflict resolution skills is one of the weakest skills for most couples And it's actually one of the primary reasons why they end up breaking up is because they have poor communication skills When they get into conflict and usually most people when they're in conflict is I'm right. I'm right. I'm right. I'm right. I'm right I'm right. I'm right. I'm right. I'm right. I'm right. And there's not finding that common ground Not finding that common ground And so it's really incumbent upon people at least my recommendation is to learn better communication skills This is why I continually recommend the book non-violent communication by Marshall Rosenberg non-violent By the way, this should have been titled compassionate communication Either way, there's a link below to all the Jonathan recommends books in the in the definite the description there, okay? And in addition, this is a new book. I'm just starting to read and I'm loving it It's called I hear you the surprisingly simple skills behind Extraordinary relationship and this gives you great examples of how to just tweak your communication Just a little bit so you can actually feel seen heard and understood and remember when I said earlier You know, most people operate from the premise of getting their own needs met I have a theory in dating today Usually two people show up in their egoic self Trying to be seen heard and understood and they're mostly Vomiting on the other person instead of actually engaging with them in healthy communication They're oftentimes just spouting their resume versus really engaging with another person So healthy communication skills listening and acknowledging the person's other point of view number two This this is way how a man shows you he's he's actually showing you respect when he express expresses Gratitude for your efforts Towards him he expresses gratitude for your efforts towards him And what I mean to say is when you do something kind He's actually acknowledging it not from a passive. Thank you perspective I by the way, I want everyone to really adopt these three words in their lexicon And that is the word of gratitude actually more than three words but gratitude Grateful and appreciation Gratitude grateful and appreciation. I know gratitude and grateful are kind of the same But they're they're still just variations of the same word. I believe it's a lot better to use the word I really appreciate that you took me out to this really nice restaurant versus. Thank you for taking me out in the restaurant It has more power the word appreciation Has a lot of power the word gratitude. I'm really grateful that you were kind And by the way meant this is what men should be doing. So I'm giving you the reverse here But it doesn't matter whatever it's like, hey, I really appreciate when a guy says I appreciate I'm grateful I'm you know, it says the word gratitude that you you made dinner for me the other night That's a heck of a lot more powerful than just thank you. Okay number three number three He apologizes in a healthy way. He apologizes in a healthy way We are all gonna have disagreements and there are always gonna be times that men do some bonehead moves I I have to tell you I've said some bonehead things right from the get go I know a lot of you put me up on a pedestal. I am not as evolved as you think I am I'll show you the coffee mug in a second. I've said bonehead moves and apologizing in a healthy way looks like this It represents the four Rs the four Rs and that is to are actually there's technically five Rs But there's four of these is to recognize What was done wrong or what might have been said wrong number one to recognize it number two to have either regret or remorse For what happened regret or remorse number three you take? responsibility take responsibility for your actions and lastly you offer some remedy So it doesn't happen again Recognize regret and remorse responsibility and remedy when a guy actually apologizes in a healthy way That is because he's trying to gain your respect. He's trying to show you he is a genuine trustworthy guy And yet sadly and this is sad Most human beings they're they're liberal of apologies. Oh, I'm sorry that happened. I'm sorry that happened I'm sorry that happened That's like that's not an apology Apologies taking ownership having a little bit of remorse You know, you know, you know trying to come up with a remedy taking responsibility That is a genuine and sincere apology and number four He compliments your Accomplishments he compliments your accomplishments. Wait, you know, it's funny I was with a friend the other day and she told me something that happened in her life And now at the moment it escapes me of course I'm on camera now and it totally escapes me and of this friend I just I was so happy for her accomplishment that I complimented her You know, that's a great sign someone is into you that they're trying to gain your respect When they they acknowledge and compliment your efforts your efforts in your life, okay, your accomplishments Okay, so it's this is a little bit different than expressing gratitude for your efforts This is more about complimenting you and being your cheerleader and when a man is a genuine cheerleader and go, oh, that's nice Oh, that's nice. Oh, that's nice, you know, today's conversations are so fucking superficial. Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. Hey, have a good day Did you have a blessed day? That's like the rhetoric today I'm talking about encouraging people to go deeper than the surface and lastly and most importantly number five is He is transparent about his relationship desires He is transparent about his relationship desires and I'm going to show everybody my example So you can get an idea of what this looks like but my real and by the way, I was just talking to another Male friend last night. We're having this whole debate About how he he's actually over. I mean women are shocked because he literally leads with this is what I want in a Relationship and this is what a relationship looks like. I'm like, are you listening from my playbook? He I loved it and this was someone I never spoken about before I know I said friend but more like a social acquaintance and I was like I was like Fascinated and I'm like me too of the same thing So let me just share with you just to give you an example what transparency looks like in the way of a relationship And I say this frequently so you all most of my regulars know this rhetoric I'm looking for a relationship where we spend three or four days and nights a week together Doing shared activities hobbies mutual interests spending time with family and friends traveling together teamwork building skills Both in our personal professional life intimacy both physical and emotional intimacy that leads to either moving in together or getting married That's my desire. Is it going to look like that? I don't know. It's not an absolute But at least I have a clear understanding and I articulate that that's what transparency looks like and given That this is the most important factor in a relationship is being Transparent with another. I'm also a big proponent of being vulnerable and authentic with someone vulnerable authentic and transparent the vat as I call it When a man is transparent about his Relationship desires. He's treating you with a level of respect And my hope is that you're actually experiencing these kind of men. I know it's frustrating out there So let me just say if you need some support in this area Then check out the link to a free discovery call with me because my area of expertise is teaching you how to vet for those Emotionally available men and teaching you how to ask the right questions based on your individual personality So I can help you avoid the looky lose out there and there's a lot of looky lose out there And those men and there are plenty of men who are seeking a serious relationship I had a friend show me her her hinge profile today And I was reading the guy's profile and I mean either he's full of shit Or I mean and I don't believe he is because I I I really looked at and I'm like wow This is a sincere man And there are a lot of sincere men who are thirsty For a serious committed relationship. We have to throw out look at I don't want to throw out the baby with the bath water because let's face it I I said 60 of people are dysfunctional. I didn't include those 20 who have clinical issues in their lives So yes, there's gonna be a lot of people that aren't a good fit for you And at the same time when you show up just like what I just shared here today, everything goes both ways When you show up that way You actually will become more of a magnetic attractor for what you want. Does that resonate with you? Give me a thumbs up. Give me an amen. Okay All right, this will be a great place to wrap up today I hope you found value in what I shared if you did Please post a comment below on anything you want to add. I do my best to read them all Please like this video right now Please share it with some friends some more people can find me and if you want to talk to me If you want to schedule a discovery call with me check out the link below Check out my podcast follow me on instagram Check out all the books I recommend and if you can't afford coaching check out my group called midlife love mastery The link is below. All right. I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do first off Giving myself a big gigantic Jonathan barrow of self love I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm asking you to turn to someone a pet a teddy barrow pillow and give it or them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives I want to thank