 This is the password. What? Help. Open this door! Not even close. All right, folks. This is the moment we've been waiting for. And, Mark, you are not. Woo! All right, good test, everybody. Reset the summoning ritual. You go get the D-Class back and- Sir, they don't come back. Oh, the D-Class don't come back from this one. All right, I always mix that up. Grab a new D-Class, and we'll reset the test. Ready? How the hell am I supposed to kill water? Agent Uzo, I didn't tell you to bring a hammer to this fight. The dehydration team is en route. Just take a lap. They'll be there. Begin test. This is item number SCP- Redacted. Known as Dr. Granny or the arcade foot massager. Dr. Granny is object-class safe because it's easy to contain, but also it does not pose a risk to anyone. It is simply an advanced artificial intelligence that massages your feet at the arcade for some reason. Now, unfortunately, the grotesque appearance of Dr. Granny was caused by vandals. The children at the arcade would always call it an old witch or something like that, and then mess with it. It's a sad state, really. Great to stay away! My line. Don't worry, Overseer. We're monitoring the situation. Don't do it. Do not do the vertical donkey tower. Don't! Actually, that's a very enlightening experience. Take them. Now. Get the bananas. No, you're a D-class now. Better get on the ground! You're gonna get tased! Don't tase me, bro. Don't tase me, bro. And now the end of the ritual. They are sweet moves. That'll do, donkey. That'll do. Staff, do you read me? I only have time to send this message one time. They're here. They float. They want to steal your... Data expunged. They want to steal your... Data expunged. No! I'm not gonna have the guard shoot ya. I'm gonna assign you to SCP-3000, where you'll forget about your stupid plan and who you are and anybody who's ever known or loved you. And then I'll throw you in the FEMA breaker for good measure. Kisses. Tch, tch, tch. And put her right back where we found her and back away quite slowly. And then, oh, my God. D5763, touch the entity's hand. Vibrating. Well, that's uncomfortable for all of us. I'll assign you a counselor. Begin test. Mm-hmm. Little Seth, can you put your hands on that? Because you've got long hands. Entity is engaging. Ooh, on the grumpy side of the bed this morning, I see. All right, this is a manual dexterity test. We want him to get the crisps without breaking the... Well, that didn't work, did it? That's a big no there. Matter of fact, I would love a dr... Why are you knocking on the fridge? Don't know why I expected any different. No! The hell is this? Okay, whoever sent you this is obviously evil. Look, he has a mustache and a top hat. You have to pay attention to... You can't just trust random people on the internet if they send you stuff like that. It's not like you're gonna get super positive... No, Robert! You're gonna trust random strangers on the internet again? Oh, great. SCP-999, is he still here? Oh, welcome to the SCP-999 lab. Yes! Oh, he's got his little candy food. Of course. We take the best care possible of our favorite little goo ball. He should just play with us, we're gonna tickle fight. Of course, it is time for recreation. Go ahead, it loves tickle fights. It's its favorite. What did you do? What did you do? Oh, great. I swear to our long and merciful Lord, the next one of you imbeciles who gives the gender switcher to 049 is getting assigned a 5798 duty. You were prepared for our best, but not our dumbest. And I am the dumbest they'll ever be. And to mark the occasion, I have a piñata. Unfortunately for Humphrey Wholesome, that piñata was SCP-956 known as the Childbreaker. Five dead, many more needing lifelong therapy. And all in the name of that damned candy. Oh, hello. My name is SCP-8008135. And I got massive honkers. Every time that I am fueled by a human, my titty tongue goes grow another size larger. SCP-8008135 was kept in isolation due to its anomaly, only to be cared for by Foundation artificially intelligent automatons. That is until a wannabe Gamers Against Weed member broadcasted the entity's security feed on the Jumbotron of Super Bowl 55. Site 69 was completely destroyed. No, it's not nice. Redacted. Foundation staff died that day. Of course, Director Greaves decides to redact everything except the one thing I don't want to hear about. Hey there, Site 42 fam. It's come to my attention that not a lot of people know that we have a Site 42 SCP merch store. We've commissioned art from multiple artists to make SCP-related merch. And we've got stickers for the Site 42 channel. And so if you want some SCP merch, as well as helping support the Site 42 channel, teespring.com slash stores slash Site 42. Thank you in advance and cheers.