 Hey Psych2Goers, did you click on this video because you have a friend who has borderline personality disorder or BPD? Or maybe you've been diagnosed with BPD. Mental health professionals estimate approximately 1.6% of the population meets the criteria for borderline personality disorder. So chances are you have at least one friend with BPD. Unfortunately, the symptoms and behaviors associated with BPD, such as manipulation, self-harm, and emotions like an intense roller coaster, can make staying friends difficult. Have you ever asked yourself why your friend with BPD does the things they do? This video breaks down four things your friend with borderline personality disorder wants you to know but doesn't know how to tell you. 1. Their thoughts and feelings work differently than yours. Although anyone can go through a low point in their lives, people who don't have BPD have difficulty understanding what their friends with BPD might be going through. One minute the world is perfect and they feel untouchable. The next minute, however, it can all come crashing down after they feel triggered. The individual with BPD has difficulty regulating emotion and understanding the shades of gray that normally help people without BPD put things into context. It can be frustrating, draining, and downright heartbreaking to watch someone you care about on a roller coaster of emotion, especially if it seems to happen a lot. But have you ever asked yourself why this happens? Emotionally speaking, individuals diagnosed with BPD experience the world as if they're missing at least one layer of skin. This creates a constant feeling of emotional hypersensitivity and rawness. People diagnosed with BPD often say that they feel empty, worthless, or numb. At the core of this is often an intense fear of rejection, abandonment, and loneliness. These deep, intense feelings and difficulty with context often distort the thoughts of someone with BPD, steering them towards self-harm and negative self-talk. Unfortunately, these tendencies towards self-destructive behavior and negative self-talk often get the person with BPD labeled as manipulative or attention seeking. What your friend with BPD wants you to know is, 2. It's not all about attention or getting their way. Common symptoms of BPD include unstable moods and identity, risky behaviors, deep fears of abandonment and rejection, and a tendency towards suicidal thinking and gestures. These symptoms are often used to explain the behaviors most commonly associated with BPD, such as needing constant validation from others, threatening suicide, giving ultimatums and emotional reactions that seem too intense or overboard. It can seem like no matter how much you're there for your friend with BPD, you can never do enough to make them see it. In addition to discouraging, this can feel like you're trying to fill up the Grand Canyon with a small spoon. But those behaviors you find clingy, manipulative, or attention seeking aren't what they appear. Oftentimes, individuals diagnosed with BPD fear rejection and abandonment because they've experienced a lot of rejection and abandonment in their lives. Until individuals with BPD learn the coping and social skills they need to successfully work through these deep-seated fears, they use the negative behaviors as a way to get their needs met. This kicks off the following, self-fulfilling, self-destructive cycle. First, something happens, like a breakup, an argument with a friend, not getting the recognition they want at work or school. That triggers the individual with BPD's deepest fears. Second, this activates a barrage of angry or negative self-talk, which creates a lot of anxiety and depression for your friend with BPD. Third, because your friend does not have the emotional skin to cope with their internal stress, the depression and anxiety can make them feel like they're being swallowed whole by it. Fourth, they act out in whatever way they know how, often via manipulation, erratic behavior, blowing up, self-harm, or issuing threats. And lastly, their loved ones often pull away, which creates more self-hate, depression, and anxiety in your friend who has been diagnosed with BPD. Their fears get triggered again. The cycle often repeats itself in your friend's life, which can lead to increased feelings of loneliness, abandonment, and rejection. So how do you deal with a friend struggling with BPD? Watching your friend struggle can make you feel helpless or question your own reality, but please remember. Three, you can set boundaries with your friend who has been diagnosed with BPD. Although you should never force yourself to stay in any relationship that is mentally, emotionally, or physically harming to you, it is possible to be friends with someone diagnosed with BPD. But you'll need to set some boundaries with them. The first step to setting these boundaries is to understand it's not personal. Your loved one diagnosed with BPD most likely acts the way they do because they don't have the emotional, psychological, or coping skills to navigate their relationships. Their challenging behaviors probably aren't about you, even if they're directed at you. Once you understand your friend's behavior is more about them than you, setting boundaries with your friend will get easier. Then you can set boundaries by remaining mindful of your feelings, asserting your limits, and being direct, sticking to the facts, and seeking support when you need it. You'll probably have to repeat yourself and stick to your guns when you set boundaries with a loved one diagnosed with BPD, but maintaining a firm yet compassionate stance is important self-care for you both. Remember that you're teaching them valuable skills, as well as how to treat you. Leave a comment below if you'd like to see a video on how to set boundaries with a loved one diagnosed with BPD. And four, having BPD doesn't mean they can't be a good friend. Being friends with someone diagnosed with BPD can be confusing, even frustrating at times, but just like you, your friend with BPD is using what they know to cope with situations in their lives. Your friend's thoughts and emotions take very different turns than yours, however, because their BPD symptoms block things like context while making your friend more sensitive. This doesn't mean your friendship is a lost cause, or that your friend with BPD doesn't have a lot to offer. Although you'll have to maintain stronger boundaries with a friend who has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder than one who has not, your friend with BPD is more than their mental illness. Maybe their impulsivity makes them a lot of fun. Every friendship is unique, and it's up to you to figure out whether this relationship is healthy for you or not. But we want to hear from you Psych2Goers. Does someone you love have BPD? How does this impact your friendship? Tell us all about it in the comments below. As always, any information provided here is for entertainment and educational purposes only. If you need mental health counseling or treatment, please contact your insurance company, local colleges, student counseling clinic, or your county crisis line. Keep watching Psych2Go for more information on mental illness and mental health. Help is out there.