 Hi, and welcome to another episode of Recover Loud. I'm your host, Mike Paddleford, and I, Recover Loud. Lori and I created this show as a way to help end the stigma of substance use disorder as an attempt to help save lives. When we recover loud and share the stories of our growth and success, we show the world that we can and do recover. By sharing our hope and resources, we can help save lives. Today's episode is going to be a great one. We have Ashley Yancey from Orinel. My name is Ashley Yancey, and I recover loud. Today's episode, we're sitting here with Ashley Yancey, registered main peer recovery coach. Welcome to the show, Ashley. Thank you for having me. Ashley, I've gotten to watch some of your journey. You've been part of Recover on the Road for a little while now. Can you tell everybody what it is you do today? Over the past year, I took my courses to become a registered peer recovery coach. I'm actually registered in the state of Maine and Connecticut. I do recover loud, and I volunteer with Recover on the Road. I do coach a few families that have been affected by substance use disorder. And I find that helping them along that journey helps me along mine. Yeah, we actually, we grow by helping others. Exactly. You know, they always, in the 12-step meetings, they say the newcomers are the most important person there. And that's because it reminds us of where we've come or how far we've come. And it's a great reminder when we get out in the community and do things to help people. Can you tell us a little bit about how it started? What was life like for young Ashley Yancey? I can't say that I had the worst childhood. But I did grow up with an alcoholic mother. And that made things a little tougher. It just, you know, with that, you know, we moved around a lot. So it wasn't a very stable environment, you know, given the drinking and the partying and the moving. Things didn't start getting really bad for me until I turned 13 and we were living in New Hampshire. And my mother had called me at a friend's house and said that she wanted me to come home because she needed to talk to me and me being a 13-year-old. It was like, I'm not going to even tell me what you need to tell me over the phone and little did I know what she was about to tell me was going to change my entire world. My best friend since kindergarten had gone to a party and had gotten into a vehicle. And there was a car accident and she was killed. I grew up seeing adults deal with their problems, unhealthy, as I know that now. So that night, that was the beginning of the end, really, for young Ashley. Do you think those experiences led you to trying substances? Honestly, yes. Maybe if I would have been taught to handle emotions in a more healthy way, reach out and talk to somebody, you know, instead of just trying to deal with it on my own because I was so young. I think that if things would have been different, I would have made different choices. When we're growing up, we don't notice necessarily the trauma that we're going through. Some events are obvious. The death of a friend, family, loved one, those are obvious traumas. But it's traumatic when you have nowhere to turn. Nobody to talk to. And not growing up in a healthy environment, we don't think of healthy solutions. So a lot of times, you know, it's really understandable why people turn to trying, you know, then numbing out. So what was it when you first started using substances? What was that like? What were you doing? Well, it was June 21st. I was 13, so it was 2001 or 2002. It was summertime. It was the afternoon when I got the phone call from my mother. She had told me that my best friend had passed away. I don't think any of us grow up and think that if we do use the substance that we're going to become addicted. I sure didn't. Well, especially at that age, we think we're, you know, made of steel. Exactly. Other people get addicted. I can handle it, you know, as long as I go into it thinking. And I remember thinking that, like, this is going to, you know, I just want to do this because I'm sad, I'm mad. I'm so many different things at this one time. Like I just, I wanted to feel better. And that was the first time I ever used. That was it. It was an instant addiction. Yeah. And I mean, it felt good. It did. To numb out. Everything went away. To forget your problems. Yeah. And, you know, there was an instant benefit. And, you know, at 13 years old, we make those decisions that aren't, you know, they're not an educated decision, but we end up making decisions that are going to affect us the rest of our lives. Exactly. You know, so understanding that even at 13, we can make a choice that's going to affect the rest of our life. We, you know, it's important to get to the young people to hear this stuff, you know. So I'm glad you brought that up. And, you know, that's going to be, you know, something for somebody to think about, you know. So how soon did you realize that it was negatively impacting your life? Well, that initial moment, like I really wasn't thinking, like it was going to impact me negatively. I just knew what I was feeling at the time. And I felt good. I didn't feel sad. I didn't feel mad. I wasn't, you know, crying. I wasn't, you know, just all over the place. It was, within the next 24 hours, I wanted to do it again and then again. And that's when I started to realize, what have I done? I was 17 when I went into my first treatment facility. I was there for a few weeks. I moved from New Hampshire back up to Maine thinking, that's going to be it. But, so that was the first time. How many times did it take until now? All together, my addiction ran 17 years. I've honestly been in and out of so many treatment facilities, halfway houses, but I couldn't tell you how many times. So, you know, trying multiple times. I mean, it's, that shows the nature of this disease. You know, we don't just decide to get better and get better. Exactly. And sometimes we can try and try and it not work. And, you know, then finally it clicks, you know. So, before this last time that has stuck for you so far, you know, what did that look like? How bad did that get for you? So, I had moved to Massachusetts and I had been clean at this point for 60 days. And I don't know what happened. Something just went off in my head and I started using again. And like I got so depressed and like in my own head where I didn't ever want to be. And I decided that there's only one way that I'm ever going to escape this. And I wanted to stop hurting and I wanted to stop hurting the people that loved me and cared about me. So December 15th, 2015, I told my daughter that I loved her and I gave her a kiss and a hug and I went in the bathroom. And I tried to commit suicide by overdose. I shouldn't be sitting here. I shouldn't be talking. I shouldn't be walking, let alone alive. I was 14 minutes without oxygen. And I defied all the scientific odds. And what was that like? Did somebody dial 911? There were actually a few people that were there. The first two were literally standing over me watching me die. And that hit really hard when I actually heard it come from her because she was one of my really good friends. And she goes, I was just going to stand there and watch you die. I was so mad at you. And then her wife actually started CPR. And it took five minutes to get a pulse. And then the EMTs showed up and Narcanned me three times, which that's the limit in Massachusetts. And they got me out into the ambulance and we're getting ready to call a time of death. PCF came. They never called my mother. They never called my daughter's father. They immediately came, seen me, and then went and took my daughter into custody. And then released me from the hospital an hour later. Yeah. So now at this point, I mean, your life was saved. But at what cost? Exactly. And I was so vulnerable at that very moment. And the next day I went, I walked to the DCF office and I begged for help. And what kind of help did you receive? I got taken to Mass General. I was put into a detox there at the hospital for a week. And then I went on to Springfield, Massachusetts, where I did a 30-day program. And then went from Springfield's Holy Oak to, they call it, a third-way house. How long were you there? How long did that process take? That was about three months. And then I had a complete psychiatric break. And then I ended up in a psych ward for two weeks. And then from there I went to Connecticut to the Salvation Army. And I went home. In March of 2016, I relapsed that summer. And I immediately was like, no, like this, I'm not doing this again. And I went to a detox. And then I went into a faith-based program. And that's where I stayed. And here I am. Yeah. And voluntarily, you know, went through all of those attempts. Because to me, more than anything, that shows how hard it is to get away from this. But how hard you really wanted to do whatever it takes. And, you know, going back out at any one of those times, you know that your life was in danger. You figured out that it wasn't helping you to go forward. And you tried again. It's important people understand that, I mean, this doesn't just happen because we try it one time. Exactly. I've, my first attempt, you know, I had many non-serious attempts prior to, you know, I was broke and I'd say, well, I'm not going to use again. When I get paid on Friday, I'm not going to use. But that never worked. It just takes so much willpower and, you know, strength to make it through the day. And when you try and try and try and still have the power and the courage and strength to try again, you know, to me, that's amazing. It gets exhausting. Yeah. Like, I was so mentally exhausted, which turned into physical exhaustion. Like, at this point, like, I was just, I was done being tired and done being sick. Yeah. Tell us, you know, since you, since that time, you know, you've put in a lot of work on yourself. Mm-hmm. You know, what are some of the things that you've done or that you've gained and, or how have you benefited from your recovery? I have a really good relationship with my daughter. I actually, I get her now, which is more than what I had. I'm at my husband. I have a really good relationship with my family and my friends. And I think what's most important for me that I've gained is that I get to share my story and possibly save life. Recently, you testified in front of the legislature for a bill. And that was the bill to help expand the Good Samaritan Law. Yes. And, you know, I personally want to thank you for your testimony because, you know, those are the stories that people need to hear. Why did you do that? So many people are gone now because others are afraid to call 911. And I don't think that that should be the case. Anybody should stop and say, wait a second, if I call to help save this person's life, am I going to go to jail? Nobody's life is worth that. No. No. And that's what happens. You know, people worry first about, you know, what's going to happen to me. You know, other stories I've heard, you know, what's going to happen to, you know, him or her on the floor because they're on probation. You know, and we think about these things. And a lot of people don't understand why somebody won't just pick up the phone and dial 911. It's scary. Yeah. It is. I mean, I've had to make those phone calls and I can't sit here and say that I didn't stop for a second and be like, oh no, what do I have on me? Because when you're in that world, like that's what you think about. And so, but making those calls in general is a scary thing to have to do. I mean, that's a traumatic experience that we're going through in that moment. You know, and on top of that trauma of seeing somebody you love or care about, you know, on the floor, you know, that's traumatic in itself. And then you add on the, you know, the other stuff, you know, am I going to get in trouble? Yeah. What's going to happen with my family? All those other things, you know, and it's not that we don't care about the person on the ground. I mean, it's because we care so much, you know, that's the turmoil. Exactly. Yeah, walking, I live right down the road from the Bangor Forest is what they call it. So we like to go down there and go to the bog walk. We do, we go fishing and we, you know, take little nature walks. But I really like reaching out to people. I'm probably the last person people think that are going to reach out to them. But at the end of the day, after we had our conversation, they're so grateful that I did reach out. And that makes me feel really good because there was a long time where I was like, I'm not going to, I'm not going to speak of this. Like that's not something that I am just going to volunteer to somebody. And then I realized that that's what I need to do. Like I need to do this because nobody else needs to die. Well, and getting us out of that, you know, the shame, you know, the stigma around substance use disorder is, you know, so heavy on us when we're using. And even in recovery, we see it. You know, I fight to help end the stigma because I, you know, have to deal with stigma. I can do this. It's going to help me. It's going to help you. It's going to help somebody else. And, you know, that's what drives me to do what I do. And, you know, helping other people naturally is going to help us. You know, we get back what we put out there. And, you know, when we were using, it was the other end of the spectrum. Yes. There's some of your goals now because you're still actively moving forward in your recovery. Yes. I just, this past year, I started going to therapy, actually, because I knew that that was a huge step that I needed to do, to be able to try to heal fully. And there were just things that I didn't realize that were a hindrance, but they were and are. So, I talk a lot about my childhood and just things that happened, like just throughout my years of active addiction and talking about them actually makes me feel better about it. Like, I can actually let them go. And it's strange because, you know, people are like, well, why can't you just let it go without talking about it or crying about it? Well, that's just not how some people's healing process works. Like, I have to talk about these things and I have to cry about them. I have to be mad about them to let them go. I've got a car payment right now and I'm three years into my car loan and I haven't been late on a payment yet. And that's something that I'm so proud of myself for. And other people might not see it as a big deal because it's what normal people do. Well, when normal people becoming a normal person is the goal. I feel good about those little things. And even if I can't pay it myself, finding a program and following through the steps to get that resource to help me, asking for help, reaching out, not just sitting there in the dark because the lights got shut off. And just waiting for something to happen. Right. When you first went into treatment, it didn't work right away. Nope. But you kept trying. And, you know, even though it's worked for so many years since then, you're still trying. Every day you have to get up and try again. There will never be a day for the rest of my life that I won't get out of bed and not try. I have to. Yeah. Because if I don't, that's when I know I'm in trouble. And life just doesn't automatically get better because we're not using substances. Exactly. We still have to deal with life. Yep. Been kicked out of places. I've been homeless. I've had my teeth knocked out. I've been arrested and in jail. And that all happened in recovery. You know, those are the good years. Yeah. It's crazy to say that. But, you know, it's true. Like, even though I'm in recovery, I still get looked at as that person. Right. And some people will never be able to let that go. And that's unfortunate for them. Exactly. Not for me. Because you're going to keep going. Exactly. Yeah. And, you know, once we find forgiveness for ourselves, because honestly, I mean, we beat ourselves up more than anybody else could, you know? So when we can get to a place where we can forgive ourselves and we can try to make an amends, they don't have to accept it. Exactly. You know, and that's their right. But I'm not going to keep myself down because they didn't accept my apology, you know? And, you know, so I do living amends, you know? I try every day to help somebody else. I created a show to help other people. Which is awesome, by the way. Thank you. You know, actually, I was sitting there this morning and I saw you post on Facebook that you were headed out at 8 o'clock. And, I mean, we start shooting at 11, 1130, but we get here at 11 and I don't have to leave till 10 and I was like, wow, you know? It means a lot to Ashley. You know, to do this and it means a lot to me that you're willing to come down and do this. I appreciate what you do for your community and what you're trying to do. And, you know, a big part of that is just keeping yourself going and, you know, having the strength to wake up every day and make the decision that you're not going to go back out and you're going to do something today to potentially help somebody else. Thanks for watching Recover Loud. You can watch us on PMC Channel 5 in Portland Thursday night at 7 o'clock. You can find us on our YouTube channel, Recover Loud. This is Episode 8 with Ashley Yancey. Please go back and watch the other episodes, but don't forget to like, comment, and share the video with your friends, and please hit that Subscribe button. My journey of recovery has brought me to many places where I never thought I'd be and I'm grateful for every part of my journey. One of the best parts of my journey is to share this with other people in recovery. Our producer, director, our show features people in recovery. And I'm grateful that my friend T-Far is here to help us with the show. Here's our director, T-Far. Hi guys, my name's T. I'm the director of Recover Loud. I started my journey by recovering loud and that brought me to meet Mike. It's my first time sober in my adult life and in two and a half years I've changed my world and I'll let us help change yours. Recover Loud, everyone. Now I'm making history and every time I say your name I can feel the power looking at my blessings rain down like a shower cause I was so blind but you helped me to see that I could do anything I want if I just believed and I believed it looking me achieved every goal that I'm setting I was in the middle of the road help me keep it going like a semi-colon so I'ma follow your steps follow the way up on my faith in you and walk on the waves and if I stumble a bit and fall on my face you're gonna save me with all of your grace yeah, thank God