 Section 29 of the Expedition of Humphrey-Clinker, this is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Deborah Lynn. The Expedition of Humphrey-Clinker by Tobias Smollett. Section 29. Dear Dick, I shall tomorrow set out for London where I have bespoke lodgings at Mrs. Norton's in Golden Square. Although I am no admirer of Bath, I shall leave it with regret, because I must part with some old friends whom, in all probability, I shall never see again. In the course of Coffee House Conversation, I had often heard very extraordinary incomiums passed on the performances of Mr. T., a gentleman residing in this place, who paints landscapes for his amusement. As I have no great confidence in the taste and judgment of Coffee House connoisseurs, and never received much pleasure from this branch of the art, those general praises made no impression at all on my curiosity. But at the request of a particular friend, I went yesterday to see the pieces which had been so warmly commended. I must own, I am no judge of painting, though very fond of pictures. I don't imagine that my senses would play me so false as to betray me into admiration of anything that was very bad. But true it is, I have often overlooked capital beauties in pieces of extraordinary merit. If I am not totally devoid of taste, however, this young gentleman of Bath is the best landscape painter now living. I was struck with his performances in such a manner as I had never been by painting before. His trees not only have a richness of foliage and warmth of coloring, which delights the view, but also a certain magnificence in the disposition and spirit in the expression which I cannot describe. His management of the charo-ascuro, or light and shadow, especially gleams of sunshine, is altogether wonderful, both in the contrivance and execution. And he is so happy in his perspective and marking his distances at sea by a progressive series of ships, vessels, capes, and promontories that I could not help thinking I had a distant view of thirty leagues upon the background of the picture. If there is any taste for ingenuity left in a degenerate age, fast sinking into barbarism, this artist I apprehend will make a capital figure as soon as his works are known. Two days ago I was favored with a visit by Mr. FitzOwen, who, with great formality, solicited my vote and interest at the general election. I ought not to have been shocked at the confidence of this man, though it was remarkable, considering what had passed between him and me on a former occasion. These visits are mere matter of form which a candidate makes to every elector, even to those who, he knows, are engaged in the interest of his competitor, lest he should expose himself to the imputation of pride at a time when it is expected he should appear humble. Indeed, I know nothing so abject as the behavior of a man canvassing for a seat in Parliament. This mean prostration, to burrow electors especially, has, I imagine, contributed in a great measure to raise that spirit of insolence among the vulgar, which, like the devil, will be found very difficult to lay. Be that as it may, I was in some confusion at the effrontery of FitzOwen, but I soon recollected myself and told him I had not yet determined for whom I should give my vote, nor whether I should give it for any. The truth is, I look upon both candidates in the same light, and should think myself a traitor to the constitution of my country if I voted for either. If every elector would bring the same consideration home to his conscience, we should not have such reason to exclaim against the venality of P. blank, blank T.S. But we all are a pack of venal and corrupted rascals, so lost to all sense of honesty and all tenderness of character that, in a little time, I am fully persuaded nothing will be infamous but virtue and public spirit. G.H., who was really an enthusiast in patriotism and represented the capitol in several successive parliaments, declared to me t'other day, with the tears in his eyes, that he had lived above thirty years in the city of London and dealt in the way of commerce with all the citizens of note in their turns, but that, as he should answer to God, he had never in the whole course of his life found above three or four whom he could call thoroughly honest. A declaration which was rather mortifying than surprising to me, who have found so few men of worth in the course of my acquaintance, that they serve only as exceptions, which, in the Gramerian's praise, confirm and prove a general canon. I know you will say G.H. saw imperfectly through the midst of prejudice, and I am wrinkled by the spleen. Perhaps you are partly in the right, for I have perceived that my opinion of mankind, like Mercury in the thermometer, rises and falls according to the variations of the weather. Pray subtle accounts with barns, take what money of mine is in his hands and give him acquittance. If you think Davis has stock or credit enough to do justice to the farm, give him a discharge for the rent that is due. This will animate his industry, for I know that nothing is so discouraging to a farmer as the thoughts of being in arrears with his landlord. He becomes dispirited and neglects his labor, and so the farm goes to wreck. Tabby has been clamoring for some days about the lamb's skin, which Williams behind begged of me when he was last at bath. Prithee, take it back, paying the fellow the full value of it, that I may have some peace in my own house, and let him keep his own counsel, if he means to keep his place. Oh, I shall never presume to despise or censure any poor man for suffering himself to be hand-packed, conscious how I myself am obliged to chuckle to a domestic demon, even though, blessed be God, she is not yoked with me for life in the matrimonial wagon. She has quarreled with the servants of the house about veils, and such intolerable scolding ensued on both sides that I have been feigned to appease the cook and chambermaid by stealth. Can't you find some poor gentleman of Wales to take this precious commodity off the hands of yours, Matt Bramble, Bath, May 19. End of Section 29 To Dr. Lewis, Dr. Lewis, give me life to tell you me thinks you more to employ your talents better than to encourage servants to pillage their masters. I find by Gwilliam that Williams has got my skin, for which he is an impotent rascal. He has not only got my skin, but moreover my buttermilk to fatten his pigs, and I suppose the next thing he gets will be my pad to carry his daughter to church and fair. Roger gets this, and Roger gets that. But I'd have you to know I won't be rogered at this rate by any ragmatical fellow in the kingdom. And I am surprised, Dr. Lewis, you would offer to put my affairs in composition with the refuge and skim of the hearth. I have toiled and moiled to a good purpose for the advantage of Matt's family if I can't save as much owl as will make me an underpetticoat. As for the buttermilk, near a pig in a parish shall thrust his snout in it with my good will. There's a famous physician at the hot well that prescribes it to his patients when the case is consumptive. And the Scots and Irish have begun to drink it already in such quantities that there is not a drop left for the hawks in the whole neighbourhood of Bristol. I'll have our buttermilk barrelled up and sent twice a week to Abagini where it may be sold for a half penny the quart, and so Roger may carry his pigs to another market. I hope, doctor, you will not go to put any more such fumes in my brother's head to the prejudice of my pocket, but rather give me some raisins, which hitherto you have not done, to subscribe myself, your humble servant, Tab Bramble. Baths May 19th. End of Section 30 Section 31 of the Expedition of Humphrey Clinker. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Martin Giesen The Expedition of Humphrey Clinker by Tobias Smollett Section 31 To Sir Watkin Phillips of Jesus College, Oxford Dear Phillips, without waiting for your answer to my last, I proceed to give you an account of our journey to London, which has not been wholly barren of adventure. Tuesday last the Squire took his place in a hired coach and fore, accompanied by his sister and mine, and Mistress Tabby's maid, Winifred Jenkins, whose province it was to support Chowder on a cushion in her lap. I could scarce refrain from laughing when I looked into the vehicle and saw that animal sitting opposite to my uncle, like any other passenger. The Squire, ashamed of his situation, blushed to the eyes, and calling the pastillions to drive on, pulled the glass up in my face. I and his servant John Thomas attended them on horseback. Nothing worth mentioning occurred till we arrived on the edge of Malbra Downs. There one of the four horses fell in going downhill at a round trot, and the postillian behind, endeavouring to stop the carriage, pulled it on one side into a deep rut, when it was fairly overturned. I had rode on about two hundred yards before, but hearing a loud scream galloped back and dismounted to give what assistance was in my power. When I looked into the coach I could see nothing distinctly but the nether end of Jenkins, who was kicking her heels and squalling with great vociferation. All of a sudden my uncle thrust up his bare paint, and bolted through the window as nimble as a grasshopper, having made use of poor wind's posteriors as a step to rise in his ascent. The man, who had likewise quitted his horse, dragged this forlorn damsel more dead than alive through the same opening. Then Mr. Bramble, pulling the door off its hinges with a jerk, laid hold on Liddy's arm, and brought her to the light, very much frighted, but little hurt. It felt my share to deliver our Aunt Tabitha, who had lost her cap in the struggle, and being rather more than half frantic with rage and terror was no bad representation of one of the sister furies that guard the gates of hell. She expressed no sort of concern for her brother, who ran about in the cold without his periwig, and worked with the most astonishing agility in helping to disentangle the horses from the carriage. But she cried in a tone of distraction, Chowder! Chowder! My dear Chowder! My poor Chowder is suddenly killed! This was not the case. Chowder, after having tore my uncle's leg in the confusion of the fall, had retreated under the seat, and from thence the footman drew him by the neck, for which good office he bit his fingers to the bone. The fellow, who is naturally surly, was so provoked at this assault that he saluted his ribs with a hearty kick, exclaiming, Damn the nasty son of a bitch, and Emmy belongs to! A benediction which was by no means lost upon the implacable virago his mistress. Her brother, however, prevailed upon her to retire into a peasant's house near the scene of the action, where his head and hers were covered, and poor Jenkins had a fit. Our next care was to apply some sticking plaster to the wound in his leg, which exhibited the impression of Chowder's teeth. But he never opened his lips against the delinquent. Mistress Tabby alarmed at this scene. You say nothing, Matt, cried she, but I know your mind. I know the spite you have to that poor unfortunate animal. I know you intend to take his life away. You are mistaken upon my honour! replied the squire with a sarcastic smile. I should be incapable of harboring any such cruel design against an object so amiable and inoffensive, even if he had not the happiness to be your favourite. John Thomas was not so delicate. The fellow, whether really alarmed for his life or instigated by the desire of revenge, came in and bluntly demanded that the dog should be put to death, on the supposition that if ever he should run mad hereafter, he who had been bit by him would be infected. My uncle calmly argued upon the absurdity of his opinion, observing that he himself was in the same predicament, and would certainly take the precaution he proposed if he was not sure he ran no risk of infection. Nevertheless, Thomas continued obstinate, and at length declared that if the dog was not shot immediately he himself would be his executioner. This declaration opened the floodgates of Tabby's eloquence which would have shamed the first-rate oratress of Billingsgate. The footman retorted in the same style, and the squire dismissed him from his service after having prevented me from giving him a good horse-whipping for his insolence. The coach being adjusted, another difficulty occurred. Mistress Tabitha absolutely refused to enter it again, unless another driver could be found to take the place of the postillion. Who, she affirmed, had overturned the carriage from malice of forethought. After much dispute, the man resigned his place to a shabby country-fellow who undertook to go as far as Marlborough, where they could be better provided, and at that place we arrived about one o'clock without father impediment. Mistress Bramble, however, found new matter of offence, which indeed she has a particular genius for extracting at will from almost every incident in life. We had scarce entered the rummet, Marlborough, where we stayed to dine, when she exhibited a formal complaint against the poor fellow who had superseded the postillion. She said he was such a beggarly rascal, that he had narrow shirt to his back, and had the impudence to shock her sight by showing his bare posteriors for which act of indelicacy he deserved to be set in the stocks. Mistress Winifred Jenkins confirmed the assertion with respect to his nakedness, observing at the same time that he had a skin as fair as Alderbasta. This is a heinous offence indeed, cried my uncle, let us hear what the fellow has to say in his own vindication. He was accordingly summoned and made his appearance which was equally queer and pathetic. He seemed to be about twenty years of age of a middling size, with bandy legs, stooping shoulders, high forehead, sandy locks, pinking eyes, flat nose and long chin. But his complexion was of a sickly yellow, his locks denoted famine, and the rags that he wore could hardly conceal what decency requires to be covered. My uncle, having surveyed him attentively, said with an ironical expression in his countenance, Ain't you ashamed, fellow, to ride postillion without a shirt to cover your backside from the view of the ladies in the coach? Yes, I am, and please your noble honour," answered the man, but necessity has no law as the say-in-is, and more than that it was an accident. My britches cracked behind after I had gotten to the saddle. You're an impudent violet," cried Mistress Tabby, for presuming to ride before persons of fashion without a shirt. I am so, and please your worthy ladyship, said he, but I am a poor, Wiltshire lad. I hand a shirt in the world that I can call my own, nor a rag of clothes, and please your ladyship, but what you see. I have no friend nor relation upon her to help me out. I have had the fever and aegyo these six months, and spent all I had in the world upon doctors, and to keep soul and body together, and, saving your ladyship's good presence, I hand broke bread these four and twenty hours. Mistress Bramble, turning from him, said she had never seen such a filthy, tattered malion, and bid him be gone. Observing that he would fill the room full of vermin, her brother darted a significant glance at her, as she retired with Liddy into another apartment, and then asked the man if he was known to any person in Malbra. When he answered that the landlord of the inn had known him from his infancy, my host was immediately called, and being interrogated on the subject, declared that the young fellow's name was Humphrey Clinker, that he had been a love-begotten babe, brought up in the work-house, and put out a prentice by the parish to a country blacksmith, who died before the boy's time was out. That he had for some time worked under his ostler as a helper and extrapostilian, till he was taken ill of the ague, which disabled him from getting his bread. That having sold or pawned everything he had in the world for his cure and subsistence, he became so miserable and shabby that he disgraced the stable, and was dismissed. But that he never heard anything to the prejudice of his character in other respects. So that the fellow being sick and destitute, said my uncle, you turned him out to die in the streets. I pay the poor's rate, replied the other, and I have no right to maintain idle vagrants, either in sickness or health, besides such a miserable object would have brought at his credit upon my house. You perceive, said the squire turning to me, our landlord is a Christian of bowels. Who shall presume to censor the morals of the age when the very publicans exhibit such examples of humanity? Harky clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want. But as it does not belong to me to punish criminals, I will only take upon me the task of giving you a word of advice. Get a shirt with all convenient dispatch, that your nakedness may not henceforward give offence to travelling gentle women, especially maidens in years. So saying, he put a guinea into the hand of the poor fellow, who stood staring at him in silence, with his mouth wide open, till the landlord pushed him out of the room. In the afternoon, as our aunt stepped into the coach, she observed with some marks of satisfaction that the postillian who rode next to her was not a shabby wretch like the ragamuffin who had driven them into Malbra. Indeed, the difference was very conspicuous. This was a smart fellow with a narrow brimmed hat with gold cording, a cut bob, a decent blue jacket, leather britches, and a clean linen shirt puffed above the waistband. When we arrived at the castle on Spin Hill, where we lay, this new postillian was remarkably assiduous in bringing in the loose parcels, and at length displayed the individual countenance of Humphrey Clinker, who had metamorphosed himself in this manner by relieving from porn part of his own clothes, with the money he had received from Mr. Bramble. However pleased the rest of the company were with such a favourable change in the appearance of this poor creature, it soured on the stomach of Mistress Tabby, who had not yet digested the affront of his naked skin. She tossed her nose in disdain, saying she supposed her brother had taken him into favour, because he had insulted her with his obscenity. But a fool and his money were soon parted, and that if Matt intended to take the fellow with him to London, she would not go a foot further that way. My uncle said nothing with his tongue, though his looks were sufficiently expressive. And next morning Clinker did not appear, so that we proceeded without further altercation to Salt Hill, where we proposed to dine. There the first person that came to the side of the coach and began to adjust the footboard was no other than Humphrey Clinker. When I handed out Mistress Bramble she eyed him with a furious look and passed into the house. My uncle was embarrassed and asked him peevishly what had brought him hither. The fellow said his honour had been so good to him that he had not the heart to part with him, that he would follow him to the world's end and serve him all the days of his life without fee or reward. Mr. Bramble did not know whether to chide or laugh at this declaration. He foresaw much contradiction on the side of Tabby, and on the other hand he could not but be pleased with the gratitude of Clinker as well as with the simplicity of his character. Suppose I was inclined to take you into my service, said he, what are your qualifications, what are you good for? And please, your honour, answered this original, I can read and write and do the business of the stable indifferent well. I can dress a horse and shoe him and bleed and rowel him, and as for the practice of sow-gelding I won't turn my back on error he in the county of Wilts. Then I can make hogs-pullings and hobnails, men-keddles and tin-sospons. Here uncle burst out a laughing and inquired what other accomplishments he was master of. I know something of single-stick and samedy, proceeded Clinker. I can play upon the Jew's harp, sing Black-eyed Susan, Arthur O' Bradley and Diver's other songs. I can dance a Welsh jig and Nancy Dawson, wrestle a fall with any lad of my inches when I'm in heart, and under correction I can find a hair when your honour wants a bit of game. For a God, thou art a complete fellow!" cried my uncle, still laughing, I have a good mind to take thee into my family. Prithee, go and try if thou canst make peace with my sister. Thou hast given her much offence by showing her thy naked tail. Clinker accordingly followed us into the room capping hand, where addressing himself to Mistress Tabitha, may it please your ladyship's worship, cried he, to pardon and forgive my offences, and with God's assistance I shall take care that my tail shall never rise up in judgment against me, to offend your ladyship again. Do pray, good, sweet, beautiful lady, take compassion on a poor sinner. God bless your noble countenance. I am sure you are too handsome and generous to bear malice. I will serve you on my banded knees by night and by day, by land and by water, and all for the love and pleasure of serving such an excellent lady. This compliment and humiliation had some effect upon Tabitha, but she made no reply, and Clinker, taking silence for consent, gave his attendance at dinner. The fellow's natural awkwardness and the flutter of his spirit were productive of repeated blunders in the course of his attendance. At length he spilt part of a custard upon her right shoulder, and starting back trod upon chowder who set up a dismal howl. Poor Humphrey was so disconcerted at this double mistake, that he dropped the china dish, which broke into a thousand pieces. Then falling down upon his knees remained in that posture, gaping with the most ludicrous aspect of distress. Mistress Bramble flew to the dog, and snatching him in her arms, presented him to her brother, saying, This is all a concerted scheme against this unfortunate animal, whose only crime is its regard for me. Here it is, kill it at once, and then you'll be satisfied. Clinker, hearing these words, and taking them in the literal acceptation, got up in some hurry, and seizing a knife from the sideboard, cried, Not here, and please, your ladyship, it will dab the room. Give him to me, and I'll carry him to the ditch by the roadside. To this proposal he received no other answer than a hearty box on the ear that made him stagger to the other side of the room. What! said she to her brother, Am I to be affronted by every mangy hound that you pick up on the highway? I insist upon your sending this rascalion about his business immediately. For God's sake, sister, compose yourself, said my uncle, and consider that the poor fellow is innocent of any intention to give you offence. Innocent is the babe unborn, cried Humphrey. I see it plainly, exclaimed this implacable maiden. He acts by your direction, and you are resolved to support him in his impudence. This is a bad return for all the services I have done you, for nursing you in your sickness, managing your family, and keeping you from ruining yourself by your own impudence. But now you shall part with that rascal or me upon the spot without father loss of time, and the world shall see whether you have more regard for your own flesh and blood or for a beggarly foundling taken from the dung-hill. Mr. Bramble's eyes began to glisten and his teeth to chatter. If stated fairly, said he raising his voice, the question is whether I have spirit to shake off an intolerable yoke by one effort of resolution or meanness enough to do an act of cruelty and injustice to gratify the ranker of a capricious woman. Hark he, Mistress Tabitha Bramble, I will now propose an alternative in my turn. Either discard your forefooted favourite, or give me leave to bid you eternally adieu, for I am determined that he and I shall live no longer under the same roof and to dinner with what appetite you may. Thunder struck at this declaration. She sat down in a corner, and after a pause of some minutes. Sure, I don't understand you, Matt, said she, and yet I spoke in plain English, answered the squire with a peremptory look. Sir, resumed this virago effectually humbled, it is your prerogative to command and my duty to obey. I can't dispose of the dog in this place, but if you'll allow him to go in the coach to London, I give you my word he shall never trouble you again." Her brother, entirely disarmed by this mild reply, declared she could ask him nothing in reason that he would refuse, adding, I hope, sister, you have never found me deficient in natural affection. Mistress Tabitha immediately rose, and throwing her arms about his neck, kissed him on the cheek. He returned her embrace with great emotion. Liddy sobbed. Wyn Jenkins cackled. Chowder capered, and Clinker skipped about, rubbing his hands for joy of this reconciliation. Concord being thus restored, we finished our meal with comfort. And in the evening arrived at London, without having met with any other adventure. My aunt seems to be much mended by the hint she received from her brother. She has been graciously pleased to remove her displeasure from Clinker, who is now retained as a footman, and in a day or two will make his appearance in a new suit of livery. But as he is little acquainted with London, we have taken an occasional valet whom I intend hereafter to hire as my own servant. We lodge in Golden Square, at the house of one mistress's notion, a decent sort of woman, who takes great pains to make us all easy. My uncle proposes to make a circuit of all the remarkable scenes of this metropolis, for the entertainment of his pupils. But as both you and I are already acquainted with most of those he will visit, and with some others he little dreams of, I shall only communicate what will be in some measure new to your observation. Remember me to our Jesuitical friends, and believe me ever, dear Knight, yours affectionately, J. Melford. London. May 24. End of Section 31. Dear Doctor, London is literally new to me, new in its streets, houses, and even in its situation. As the Irishman said, London is now gone out of town. What I left open-field, producing hay and corn, I now find covered with streets and squares and palaces and churches. I am credibly informed that in the space of seven years eleven thousand new houses have been built in one quarter of Westminster, exclusive of what is daily added to other parts of this unwieldy metropolis. Pimlico and Knight's Bridge are now almost joined to Chelsea and Kensington, and if this infatuation continues for half a century, I suppose the whole county of Middlesex will be covered with brick. It must be allowed indeed, for the credit of the present age, that London and Westminster are much better paved and lighted than they were formerly. The new streets are spacious, regular and airy, and the houses generally convenient. The Bridge at Blackfriars is a noble monument of taste and public spirit. I wonder how they stumbled upon a work of such magnificence and utility. But nowwithstanding these improvements, the capital has become an overgrown monster, which, like a dropsicle head, will in time leave the body and extremities without nourishment and support. The absurdity will appear in its full force when we consider that one sixth part of the natives of this whole extensive kingdom is crowded within the bills of mortality. What wonder that our villages are depopulated and our farms in want of day laborers? The abolition of small farms is but one cause of the decrease of population. Indeed, the incredible increase of horses and black cattle to answer the purposes of luxury requires a prodigious quantity of hay and grass, which are raised and managed without much labor. But a number of hands will always be wanted for the different branches of agriculture, whether the farms be large or small. The tide of luxury has swept all the inhabitants from the open country. The poorest square, as well as the richest pier, must have his house in town and make a figure with an extraordinary number of domestics. The plowboys, cowherds, and lowerhines are debauched and seduced by the appearance and discourse of those coxcomes in livery when they make their summer excursions. They desert their dirt and drudgery and swarm up to London in hopes of getting into service where they can live luxuriously and wear fine clothes without being obliged to work, for idleness is natural to man. Great numbers of these, being disappointed in their expectation, become thieves and sharpers. In London, being an immense wilderness in which there is neither watch nor ward of any signification nor any order or police affords them lurking places as well as prey. There are many causes that contribute to the daily increase of this enormous mass, but they may be all resolved into the grand source of luxury and corruption. About five and twenty years ago, very few, even of the most opulent citizens of London, kept any equipage or even any servants in livery. Their tables produced nothing but plain boiled and roasted with a bottle of port and a tankard of beer. At present, every trader in any degree of credit, every broker and attorney, maintains a couple of footmen, a coachman, and a postellian. He has his townhouse and his country house, his coach and his post-chase. His wife and daughters appear in the richest stuffs bespangled with diamonds. They frequent the court, the opera, the theatre, and the masquerade. They hold assemblies at their own houses. They make sumptuous entertainments and treat with the richest wines of Bordeaux, Burgundy, and Champagne. The substantial tradesmen, who want to pass his evenings at the alehouse for four pence half-penny, now spends three shillings at the tavern while his wife keeps card tables at home. She must likewise have fine clothes, her chaise or pad, with country lodgings, and go three times a week to public diversions. Every clerk, apprentice, and even waiter of tavern or coffee house maintains a gilding by himself or in partnership and assumes the air and apparel of a petty maitre. The gayest places of public entertainment are filled with fashionable figures, which, upon inquiry, will be found to be journeymen-tailors serving men and Abigail's disguised like their betters. In short, there is no distinction or subordination left. The different departments of life are jumbled together. The hod carrier, the low mechanic, the tapster, the publican, the shopkeeper, the petty-fogger, the citizen and courtier, all tread upon the cibes of one another, actuated by the demons of licentiousness. They are seen everywhere, rambling, riding, rolling, rushing, jostling, mixing, bouncing, cracking, and crashing in one vile ferment of stupidity and corruption. All is tumult and hurry. One would imagine they were impelled by some disorder of the brain that will not suffer them to be at rest. The foot passengers run along as if they were pursued by bailiffs. The porters and chairmen trot with their burdens. People who keep their own equipages drive through the streets at full speed. Even citizens, physicians, and apothecaries glide in their chariots like lightning. The hackney coachmen make their horses smoke and the pavement shakes under them, and I have actually seen a wagon pass through Piccadilly at the hand gallop. In a word, the whole nation seems to be running out of their wits. The diversions of the times are not ill-suited to the genius of this incongruous monster called the public. Give it noise, confusion, glare, and glitter. It has no idea of elegance and propriety. What are the amusements of Randall? One half of the company are following at the other's tails in an eternal circle, like so many blind asses in an olive mill where they can neither discourse, distinguish, nor be distinguished. While the other half are drinking hot water under the denomination of tea till nine or ten o'clock at night to keep them awake for the rest of the evening. As for the orchestra, the vocal music especially, it is well for the performers that they cannot be heard distinctly. Vauxhall is a composition of baubles overcharged with paltry ornaments ill-conceived and poorly executed without any unity of design or propriety of disposition. It is an unnatural assembly of objects fantastically illuminated in broken masses seemingly contrived to dazzle the eyes and divert the imagination of the vulgar. Here a wooden lion, there a stone statue, in one place a range of things like coffee house boxes covered atop, in another a parcel of ale house benches, in a third a puppet show representation of a tin cascade, in a fourth a gloomy cave of a circular form like a sepulchral vault half lighted, in a fifth a scanty flip of grass-plat that would not afford pastures sufficient for an ass's colt. The vaults, which nature seems to have intended for solitude, shade, and silence are filled with crowds of noisy people sucking up the nocturnal rooms of an aguish climate and through these gay scenes a few lamps glimmer like so many farthing candles. When I see a number of well-dressed people of both sexes sitting on the covered benches exposed to the eyes of the mob and which is worse to the cold raw night air, devouring sliced beef and swilling port lunch and cider, I can't help compassionating their temerity while I despise their want of taste and decorum. But when they course along those damp and gloomy walks a crowd together upon the wet gravel without any other cover than the cope of heaven listening to a song which one half of them cannot possibly hear, how can I help supposing they are actually possessed by a spirit more absurd and pernicious than anything we meet with in the precincts of Bedlam? In all probability the proprietors of this and other public gardens of inferior note in the skirts of the metropolis are in some shape connected with the faculty of physics and the company of undertakers. For considering that eagerness in the pursuit of what is called pleasure which now predominates through every rank and denomination of life I am persuaded that more gouts, rheumatisms, guitars and consumptions are caught in these nocturnal pastimes sub-deal than from all the risks and accidents to which a life of toil and danger is exposed. These and other observations which I have made in this excursion will shorten my stay at London and send me back with a double relish to my solitude and mountains. But I shall return by a different route from that which brought me to town. I have seen some old friends who constantly resided in this virtuous metropolis but they are so changed in manners and disposition that we hardly know or care for one another. In our journey on the path my sister Tabby provoked me into a transport of passion during which, like a man who has drank himself pot-valiant, I talk to her in such a style of authority and resolution as produced the most blessed effect. She and her dog have been remarkably quiet and orderly ever since this expostulation. How long this agreeable calm will last heaven above knows. I flatter myself, the exercise of traveling has been of service to my health, a circumstance which encourages me to proceed in my projected expedition to the north. But I must, in the meantime, for the benefit and amusement of my pupils explore the depths of this chaos, this misshapen and monstrous capital without head or tail, members or proportion. Thomas was so insolent to my sister on the road that I was obliged to turn him off abruptly between Chippenham and Marlborough where our coach was overturned. The fellow was always sullen and selfish but if he should return to the country you may give him a character for honesty and sobriety and provided he behaves with proper respect to the family let him have a couple of guineas in the name of yours always Matt Bramble, London, May 20. End of Section 32 Section 33 of the expedition of Humphrey Clinker This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org The expedition of Humphrey Clinker by Tobias Smollett Section 33 To Miss Leticia Willis at Gloucester My dear Letty Inexpressible was the pleasure I received from yours of the 25th which was last night put into my hands by Mrs Brentford the milliner from Gloucester I rejoice to hear that my worthy governess is in good health and still more that she no longer retains any displeasure towards her poor lady I'm sorry you have lost a society of the agreeable Miss Vaughn but I hope you won't have caused much longer to regret the departure of your school companions as I make no doubt but your parents will in a little time bring you into the world where you are so well qualified to make a distinguished figure when that is the case I flatter myself you and I shall meet again and be happy together and even improve the friendship which we contracted in our tender years this at least I can promise it shall not be for the want of my utmost endeavours if our intimacy does not continue for life about five days ago we arrived in London after an easy journey from Bath in which however we were overturned and met with some other little incidents which had like to have occasioned a misunderstanding that wixed my uncle and aunt but now thank god they are happily reconciled they live in harmony together and every day make parties to see the wonders of this vast metropolis which however I cannot pretend to describe for I have not as yet seen one hundredth part of its curiosities I am quite in a maze of admiration the cities of London and Westminster are spread out into an incredible extent the streets, squares, rows, lanes and alleys are innumerable palaces, public buildings and churches rise in every quarter and among these last St Paul's appears with the most astonishing preeminence they say it is not so large as St Peter's at Rome but for my own part I can have no idea of any earthly temple more grand and magnificent but even these superb objects are not so striking as the crowds of people that swarm in the streets I at first imagined that some great assembly was just dismissed and wanted to stand aside till the multitude should pass but this human tide continues to flow without interruption or abatement from mourn till night then there is such an infinity of gay equipages coaches, chariots, chases and other carriages continually rolling and shifting before your eyes that once head grows giddy looking at them and the imagination is quite confounded with splendor and variety nor is the prospect by water less grand and astonishing than that by land you see three stupendous bridges joining the opposite banks of a broad deep and rapid river so vast, so stately, so elegant that they seem to be the work of the giants betwixt them the whole surface of the Thames is covered with small vessels barges, boats and veries passing to and fro and below the three bridges with a prodigious forest of masts for miles together that you would think all the ships in the universe were here assembled all that you read of wealth and grandeur in the Arabian night's entertainment and the Persian tale concerning Baghdad, Diyarbakir Damascus, Ispahan and Samarkand is here realized Ranalag looks like the enchanted palace of a genie adorned with the most exquisite performances of painting, carving and gilding enlightened with a thousand golden lamps that emulate the noon day sun crowded with the great, the rich day, the happy and the fair glittering with cloth of gold and silver, lace, embroidery and precious stones while these exulting sons and daughters of Felicity tread this round of pleasure or regal in different parties and separate lodges with fine imperial tea and other delicious refreshments their ears are entertained with the most ravishing delights of music both instrumental and vocal there I heard the famous renducci, a thing from Italy it looks for all the worlds like a man though they say it is not the voice, to be sure is neither man's nor woman's but it is more melodious than either and it warbled so divinely that while I listened I really thought myself in paradise at nine o'clock in a charming moonlight evening we embarked at Ranalag for walks hall in a very so light and slender that we looked like so many fairies sailing in a nutshell, my uncle being apprehensive of catching cold upon the water went round in the coach and my aunt would have accompanied him but he would not suffer me to go by water if he went by land and therefore she favored us with her company as she perceived I had a curiosity to make this agreeable voyage, after all the vessel was sufficiently loaded for besides the water man there was my brother Jerry and a friend of his, one Mr. Barton a country gentleman of a good fortune, who had dined at our house the pleasure of this little excursion was, however, dumped by my being sadly frightened at our landing where there was a terrible confusion of varies and a crowd of people bawling and swearing and quarreling nay, a parcel of ugly looking fellows came running into the water and laid hold of our boat with great violence to pull it ashore nor would they quit their hold till my brother struck one of them over the head with his cane but this flutter was fully recompensed by the pleasures of Walk's hall, which I know sooner entered than I was dazzled and confounded with the variety of beauties that rushed all at once upon my eye image to yourself, my dear Letty a spacious garden, part laid out in delightful walks bounded with high hedges and trees and paved with gravel a part exhibiting a wonderful assemblage of the most picturesque and striking objects pavilions lodges, groves, grottos lawns, temples and caskets porticoes, colonnades and rotendos adorned with pillars, statues and painting the hall illuminated with an infinite number of lamps disposed in different figures of suns, stars and constellations the place crowded with the gayest company, ranging through those blissful shades or supping in different lodges on cold collations enlivened with mirth, freedom and good humour and animated by an excellent band of music among the vocal performances I had the happiness to hear the celebrated Mrs. Blank whose voice was loud and shrill that it made my head ache through excess of pleasure in about half an hour after we arrived we were joined by my uncle who did not seem to relish the place people of experience and infirmity my dear leti see with very different eyes from those that such as you and I may cues off our evening's entertainment was interrupted by an unlucky accident in one of the remotest walks we were surprised with a sudden shower that set the whole company a-running and drove us in heaps one upon another into the rotunda where my uncle finding himself wet began to be very peevish and urgent to be gone my brother went to look for the coach and found it with much difficulty but as it could not hold us all Mr. Barton stayed behind it was some time before the carriage could be brought up to the gate in the confusion notwithstanding the utmost endeavours of our new footman Humphrey Glinker who lost his crotch periwig and got a broken head in the scruffle the moment we were seated in front of my uncle's shoes and carefully wrapped his poor feet in her capuchin then she gave him a mouthful of cordial which he always keeps in her pocket and his clothes were shifted as soon as we arrived at lodgings so that blessed be God he escaped a severe cold of which he was in great terror as for Mr. Barton I must tell you in confidence he was a little particular but perhaps I mistake his absence and I wish I may for his sake you know the condition of my poor heart which in spite of hard usage and yet I ought not to complain nor will I till further information besides Ranalag and Walkshall I have been at Mrs. Cornely's assembly which for the rooms, the company the dresses and decorations surpasses all description but after I have no great turn for cut playing I have not yet entered Raleigh into the spirit of the place indeed I am still such a country Hoidon that I could hardly find patience to be put in a condition to appear yet as I was not above six hours under the hands of the hairdresser who scuffed my head with as much black wool as would have made a quilted petticoat and after all it was the smallest head in the assembly except my aunts she to be sure was so particular with her romped gown petticoat, her scanty curls her lapid head, deep triple ruffles and high stays that everybody looked at her with surprise some whispered and some tittered and Lady Griskin by whom you were introduced flatly told her she was twenty good years behind the fashion Lady Griskin is a person of fashion to whom we have the honour to be related she keeps a small route at her own house never exceeding ten or a dozen card tables but these are frequented by the best company in town she has been so obliging as to introduce my aunt and me to some of her particular friends of quality who treat us with the most familiar good humour we have once dined with her and she takes the trouble to direct us in all our motions I am so happy as to have gained her goodwill to such a degree that she sometimes adjusts my cap with her own hands and she has given me a kind invitation to play with her all the winter this however has been cruelly declined by my uncle who seems to be, I know not how prejudiced against the good lady for whenever my aunt appears to speak in her commendation I observe that he makes dry faces though he says nothing perhaps indeed these grimaces may be the effect of pain arising from the gout and rheumatism with which he is sadly distressed to me however he is always good-natured and generous even beyond my wish since we came hither he has made me a present of a suit of clothes with trimmings and laces which cost more money than I shall mention and Jerry at his desire has given me my mother's diamond crops which are ordered to be set anew so that it won't be his fault if I do not glitter among the stars of the fourth or fifth magnitude I wish my weak head may not throw giddy in the midst of all this gallantry and dissipation though as yet I can safely declare I would gladly give up all these tumultuous pleasures for country solitude and a happy retreat with those we love among whom my dear Willis will always possess the first place in the breast of her ever affectionate Lydia Malford London May 31st End of section 33 Section 34 The Expedition of Humphrey Clinker This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Martin Giesen The Expedition of Humphrey Clinker by Tobias Smollett Section 34 To Sir Watkin Phillips of Jesus College, Oxford Dear Phillips I send you this letter franked by our old friend Barton who is as much altered as it was possible for a man of his kidney to be Instead of the careless, indolent sloven we knew at Oxford I found him a busy talkative politician a petit maître in his dress and a ceremonious courtier in his manners He has not gall enough in his constitution to be inflamed with the rancour of party so as to deal in scurrilous invectives but since he obtained a place he has become a warm partisan of the ministry and sees everything through such an exaggerating medium as to me who am happily of no party comprehensible without doubt the fumes of faction not only disturb the faculty of reason but also pervert the organs of sense and I would lay a hundred guineas to ten that if Barton on one side and the most conscientious patriot in the opposition on the other were to draw upon honour the picture of the king or ministers you and I who are still infected and unbiased would find both painters equally distant from the truth one thing however must be allowed for the honour of Barton he never breaks out into illiberal abuse far less endeavours by infamous calmness to blast the moral character of any individual on the other side ever since we came hither he has been remarkably assiduous in his attention to our family an attention which in a man of his indolence and avocations I should have thought altogether odd and even unnatural had not I perceived that my sister Liddy had made some impression upon his heart I cannot say that I have any objection to his trying his fortune in this pursuit if an opulent estate and a great flock of good nature are sufficient qualifications in a husband to render the marriage state happy for life she may be happy with Barton but I imagine there is something else required to engage and secure the affection of a woman of sense and delicacy something which nature has denied our friend Liddy seems to be of the same opinion when he addresses himself to her in discourse she seems to listen with reluctance and industriously avoids all particular communication but in proportion to her coyness our aunt is coming Mistress Tabitha goes more than halfway to meet his advances she mistakes or affects to mistake the meaning of his courtesy which is rather formal and fulsome she returns his compliments with hyperbolic or interest she persecutes him with her civilities at table she appeals to him forever in conversation she sighs and flirts and ogles and by her hideous affectation and impertinence drives the poor courtier to the very extremity of his complacence in short she seems to have undertaken the siege of Barton's heart and carries on her approaches in such a desperate manner that I don't know whether he will not be obliged to capitulate in the meantime his aversion to this enamorata struggling with his acquired affability and his natural fear of giving offence throws him into a kind of distress which is extremely ridiculous two days ago he persuaded my uncle and me to accompany him to St. James's where he undertook to make us acquainted with the persons of all the great men in the kingdom and indeed there was a great assemblage of distinguished characters for it was a high festival at court our conductor performed his promise with great punctuality he pointed out almost every individual of both sexes generally introduced them to our notice with the flourish of panegyric seeing the king approach there comes, said he the most amiable sovereign that ever swayed the sector of England the deliqui humani generis Augustus in patronising merit Titus Vespasian in generosity Trajan in beneficence and Marcus Aurelius in philosophy a very honest kind-hearted gentleman added my uncle, he's too good for the times a king of England should have a spice of the devil in his composition Barton then turning to the Duke of Cumberland proceeded, you know the Duke that illustrious hero who trod rebellion under his feet and secured us in possession of everything we ought to hold dear as Englishmen and Christians Mark what an eye how penetrating, how pacific what dignity in his mean, what humanity in his aspect even Malice must own that he is one of the greatest officers in Christendom I think he is said Mr Bramble but who are these young gentlemen that stand beside him those, cried our friend those are his royal nephews, the princes of the blood sweet young princes the sacred pleasures of the protestant line so spirited, so sensible so princely yes, very sensible very spirited said my uncle interrupting him, but see the queen there's the queen there's the queen, let me see let me see where are my glasses there's meaning in that eye there's sentiment there's expression well Mr Barton, what figure do you call next? the next person he pointed out was the favourite girl who stood solitary by one of the windows behold young northern star said he thought of his beams what the Caledonian luminary that lately blazed so bright in our hemisphere he thinks that present it glimmers through a fog like Saturn without his ring bleak and dim and distant ah, there's that other great phenomenon the grand pensionary that weathercock of patriotism that veers about in every point of the political campus and still feels the wind of popularity in his tail he too like a portentous comet has risen again above the court horizon but how long will he continue to ascend it is not easy to foretell considering his great eccentricity who are those two satellites that attend his motions when Barton told him their names to their characters said Mr. Bramble I am no stranger one of them without a drop of red blood in his veins has a cold intoxicating vapour in his head and rancour enough in his heart to inoculate and effect a whole nation the other is I hear intended for a share in the administration and the pensionary vouches for his being duly qualified the instance I ever heard of his sagacity was his deserting his former patron when he found him declining in power and in disgrace with the people without principal talent or intelligence he is ungracious as a hog greedy as a vulture and thievish as a jack door but it must be owned he is no hypocrite he pretends to no virtue makes no pains to disguise his character his ministry will be attended with one advantage no man will be disappointed by his breach of promise as no mortal ever trusted to his word I wonder how Lord first discovered this happy genius and for what purpose Lord has now adopted him but one would think amber has a power to attract dirt and straws and chaff a minister is endued with the same kind of faculty to lick up every nave and block head in his way his eulogium was interrupted by the arrival of the old Duke of N who squeezing into the circle with a busy face of importance thrust his head into every countenance as if he had been in search of somebody to whom he wanted to impart something of great consequence my uncle who had been formerly known to him bowed as he passed and the Duke seeing himself saluted so respectfully by a well dressed person was not slow in returning the courtesy he even came up and taking him cordially by the hand my dear friend Mr. A I am rejoiced to see you how long have you been come from abroad how did you leave our good friends the Dutch the king of Prussia don't think of another war he's a great king a great conqueror a very great conqueror your alexanders and hanibals were nothing at all to him sir corporals, drummers, dross mere trash and trash, hey his grace being by this time out of breath my uncle took the opportunity to tell him he had not been out of England but his name was Bramble and that he had the honour to sit in the last parliament but one of the late king as representative for the borough of Dimkomraig odd sell! cried the Duke I remember you perfectly well my dear Mr. Bramble you was always a good and loyal subject a staunch friend to administration I made your brother an Irish bishop pardon me my lord said the squire I once had a brother but he was a captain in the army ha! said his grace he was so he was indeed but who was the bishop then Bishop Blackberry sure it was Bishop Blackberry perhaps some relation of yours very likely my lord replied my uncle the Blackberry is the fruit of the Bramble but I believe the bishop is not a perry of our bush no more he is no more he is ha ha ha exclaimed the Duke there you gave me a scratch good Mr. Bramble ha ha ha well I shall be glad to see you at Lincoln's infields you nailed the way times are altered though I have lost the power I retain the inclination your very humble servant good Mr. Blackberry so saying he shoved to another corner of the room what a fine old gentleman cried Mr. Barton what spirit what a memory he never forgets an old friend he does me too much honour observed our squire to rank me among the number whilst I sat in Parliament I never voted with the ministry but three times when my conscience told me they were in the right however if he still keeps Luve I will carry my nephew thither but he may see and learn to avoid the scene for I think an English gentleman never appears to such disadvantage as at the Luve of a minister of his grace I shall say nothing at present but for thirty years he was the constant and common but of ridicule and execration he was generally laughed at as an apin politics whose office and influence served only to render his folly the more notorious and the opposition cursed him as the indefatigable drudge of a first mover who was justly styled and stigmatised as the father of corruption but this ridiculous ape this venal drudge no sooner lost the places he was so ill qualified to fill and unfurled the banners of faction then he was metamorphosed into a pattern of public virtue the very people who reviled him before now extolled him to the skies as a wise experienced statesman chief pillar of the protestant succession and cornerstone of English liberty I should be glad to know how Mr Barton reconciles these contradictions without obliging us to resign all title to the privilege of common sense my dear sir answered Barton I don't pretend to justify the extravagations of the multitude who I suppose were as wild in their former censure as in the present praise but I shall be very glad to attend you on Thursday next to his Grace's Leve where I am afraid we shall not be crowded with company for you know there's a wide difference between his present office of president of the council and his former post of First Lord Commissioner of the Treasury this communicative friend having announced all the remarkable characters of both sexes that appeared at court we resolved to adjourn and retired at the foot of the staircase there was a crowd of lackeys and chairmen and in the midst of them stood Humphrey Clinker seated upon a stool with his hat in one hand and a paper in the other in the act of holding forth to the people before we could inquire into the meaning of this exhibition he perceived his master thrust the paper into his pocket descended from his elevation bolted through the crowd and brought up the carriage to the gate my uncle said nothing till we were seated after having looked at me earnestly for some time he burst out a laughing and asked if I knew upon what subject Clinker was holding forth to the mob if, said he, the fellow is turned mountain bank I must turn him out of my service otherwise he'll make Mary Andrews of us all I observed that in all probability he had studied medicine under his master as a farrier at dinner the squire asked him if he had ever practised physics yes, I'm pleased your honour said he, among brute beasts but I never meddle with rational creatures I know not whether you rank in that class the audience you was haranguing in the court at St. James's but I should be glad to know what kind of powders you was distributing you had a good sale sale, sir, cried Clinker I hope I shall never be base enough to sell for gold and silver what freely comes of God's grace I distributed nothing unlike your honour but a word of advice to my fellows in servitude and sin advice concerning what concerning profane swearing unpleased your honour so horrid and shocking it made my hair stand on end nay, if thou canst cure them of that disease I shall think thee a wonderful doctor indeed why not cure them, my good master the hearts of those poor people are not so stubborn as your honour seems to think make them first sensible that you have nothing in view but they're good then they will listen with patience and easily be convinced that a practice that affords neither profit nor pleasure at this remark our uncle changed colour and looked round the company conscious that his own withers were not altogether unwrung but Clinker said he, if you should have eloquence enough to persuade the vulgar to resign those tropes and figures of rhetoric there will be little or nothing left to distinguish their conversation from that of their betters but then your honour knows their conversation will be void of a fence and at the day of judgment there will be no distinction of persons Humphrey going downstairs to fetch up a bottle of wine my uncle congratulated his sister upon having such a reformer in the family when Mistress Tabitha declared he was a sober civilised fellow very respectful and very industrious and she believed a good Christian into the bargain one would think Clinker must really have some very extraordinary talent to ingratiate himself in this manner with a virago of her character so fortified against him with prejudice and resentment but the truth is since the adventure of Salt Hill Mistress Tabitha seems to be entirely changed she has left off scolding the servants an exercise which was grown so habitual and even seemed necessary to her constitution and has become so indifferent to Chowder as to part with him in a present to Lady Griskin who proposes to bring the breed of him into fashion a ladyship is the widow of Sir Timothy Griskin a distant relation of our family she enjoys a jointure of five hundred pounds a year and makes shift to spend three times that sum her character before marriage was a little equivocal but at present she lives in the bonton keeps card tables gives private suppers to select friends and is visited by persons of the first fashion she has been remarkably civil to us all and cultivates my uncle with the most particular regard but the more she strokes him the more his bristles seem to rise to her compliments he makes very laconic and dry returns to the day she sent us a bottle of fine strawberries which he did not receive without signs of disgust muttering from the ineared timmeo danau sedona frentes she has twice called for Liddy of a forenoon to take an airing in the coach but Mistress Tabby was always so alert I suppose by his direction that she never could have the niece without her aunt's company I have endeavoured to sound square toes on this subject but he carefully avoids all explanation I have now dear Philips filled a whole sheet and if you have read it to an end I dare say you are as tired as your humble servant Jay Melford London, June 2nd End of Section 34 Section 35 of the Expedition of Humphrey Clinker this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Deborah Lynn The Expedition of Humphrey Clinker by Tobias Smollett Section 35 to Dr. Lewis Yes doctor I have seen the British Museum which is a noble collection and even stupendous if we consider it was made by a private man who was obliged to make his own fortune at the same time but great as the collection is it would appear more striking if it was arranged in one spacious saloon instead of being divided into different apartments which it does not entirely fill I could wish the series of medals was connected and the whole of the animal, vegetable and mineral kingdoms completed by adding to each at the public expense those articles that are wanting it would likewise be a great improvement with respect to the library if the deficiencies were made up by purchasing all the books of character that are not to be found already in the collection they might be classed in centuries according to the dates of their publication and catalogs printed of them in the manuscripts for the information of those that want to consult or compile from such authorities I could also wish for the honor of the nation that there was a complete apparatus for a course of mathematics, mechanics and experimental philosophy and a good salary settled upon an able professor who should give regular lectures on these subjects but this is all idle speculation which will never be reduced to practice considering the temper of the times it is a wonder to see any institution whatsoever established for the benefit of the public the spirit of party is risen to a kind of frenzy unknown to former ages or rather degenerated to a total extinction in Kandor you know I have observed for some time that the public papers have become the infamous vehicles of the most cruel and perfidious defamation every rancorous nave every desperate incendiary that can afford to spend half a crown or three shillings may skulk behind the press of a newsmonger and have a stab at the first character in the kingdom without running the least hazard of detection or punishment I have made acquaintance with the Mr. Barton whom Jerry knew at Oxford a good sort of a man though most ridiculously warped in his political principles but his partiality is the less offensive as it never appears in the style of scurrility and abuse he is a member of parliament and a retainer to the court and his whole conversation turns upon the virtues and perfections of the ministers who are his patrons Tother day when he was bedobbing one of those with most fulsome praise I told him I had seen the same nobleman characterised very differently in one of the daily papers indeed so stigmatized that if one half of what was said of him was true he must be not only unfit to rule but even unfit to live that those impeachments had been repeated again and again with the addition of fresh matter and that as he had taken those steps towards his own vindication I began to think there was some foundation for the charge and pray sir said Mr. Barton what steps would you have him take suppose he should prosecute the publisher who screens the anonymous accuser and bring him to the pillory for a libel this is so far from being counted a punishment in terorum that it will probably make his fortune the multitude immediately take him into their protection as a martyr to the cause of defamation which they have always espoused they pay his fine they contribute to the increase of his stock his shop is crowded with customers and the sale of his paper rises in proportion to the scandal it contains all this time the prosecutor is invaded against as a tyrant and oppressor for having chosen to proceed by the way of information which is deemed a grievance but if he lays an action for damages he must prove the damage and I leave you to judge whether a gentleman's character may not be brought into contempt and all his views in life blasted by calamity without his being able to specify the particulars of the damage he has sustained the threat of defamation is a kind of heresy that thrives under persecution the liberty of the press is a term of great efficacy and like that of the Protestant religion has often served the purposes of sedition a minister therefore must arm himself with patience and bear those attacks without repining whatever mischief they may do in other respects they certainly contribute in one particular to the advantages of government for those defamatory articles have multiplied papers in such a manner and augmented their sale to such a degree that the duty upon stamps and advertisements has made a very considerable addition to the revenue certain it is a gentleman's honor is a very delicate subject to be handled by a jury composed of men who cannot be supposed remarkable either for sentiment or impartiality in such a case indeed the defendant is tried not only by his peers but also by his party and I really think that of all patriots he is the most resolute he poses himself to such detraction for the sake of his country if from the ignorance or partiality of juries a gentleman can have no redress from law for being defamed in a pamphlet or newspaper I know but one other method of proceeding against the publisher which is attended with some risk but has been practiced successfully more than once in my remembrance a regiment of horse was represented in one of the newspapers as having misbehaved at Denningen that regiment broke the publisher's bones telling him at the same time if he went to law he should certainly have the like salutation from every officer of the corps governor took the same satisfaction on the ribs of an author who traduced him by name in a periodical paper I know a low fellow of the same class who being turned out of Venice for his impudence and scurrility retired to Lugano a town of the Grisans a free people god what a printing press from whence he squirted his filth at some respectable characters in the republic which he had been obliged to abandon some of these finding him out of the reach of legal chastisement employed certain useful instruments such as may be found in all countries to give him the best anato which being repeated more than once effectively stopped the current of his abuse as for the liberty of the press like every other privilege it must be restrained within certain bounds for if it is to a branch of law, religion, and charity it becomes one of the greatest evils that ever annoyed the community if the lowest ruffian may stab your good name with impunity in England will you be so uncandid as to exclaim against Italy for the practice of common assassination to what purpose is our property secured if our moral character is left defenseless people thus bated grow desperate and the despair of being able to preserve one's character untainted by such Berman produces a total neglect of fame so that one of the chief incitements to the practice of virtue is effectually destroyed Mr Barton's last consideration respecting the stamp duty is equally wise and laudable with another maxim which has been long adopted by our financiers namely to connive at drunkenness riot and dissipation because they enhance the receipt of the excise not reflecting that in providing this temporary convenience they are destroying the morals, health and industry of the people notwithstanding my contempt for those who flatter a minister I think there is something still more despicable in flattering a mob when I see a man of birth, education and fortune put himself on a level with the dregs of the people mingled with low mechanics feed with them at the same board and drink with them in the same cup flatter their prejudices harangue in praise of their virtues expose themselves to the belchings of their beer and tobacco the grossness of their familiarity and the impertinence of their conversation I cannot help despising him as a man guilty of the vilest prostitution in order to effect a purpose equally selfish and a liberal I should renounce politics the more willingly if I could find other topics of conversation discussed with more modesty and candor but the demon of party seems to have usurped every department of life even the world of literature and taste is divided into the most virulent factions which reviled the cry and produced the works of one another yesterday I went to return an afternoon's visit to a gentleman of my acquaintance at whose house I found one of the authors of the present age who has written with some success as I had read one or two of his performances which gave me pleasure I was glad of this opportunity to know his person but his discourse and deportment destroyed all the impressions which his writings had made in his favor and I have found him to decide dogmatically upon every subject without deigning to shoe the least cause for his differing from the general opinions of mankind as if it had been our duty to acquiesce in the ipsedix of this new Pythagoras he re-judged the characters of all the principal authors who had died within a century of the present time and in this revision paid no sort of regard to the reputation they had acquired Milton was harsh and prosaic dried and languid and verbose butler and swift without humor congrieved without wit and pulp destitute of any sort of poetical merit as for his contemporaries he could not bear to hear one of them mentioned with any degree of applause they were all dunces, pedants plagiaries, quacks, and imposters and you could not name a single performance but what was tame, stupid, and insipid it must be owned that this writer had nothing to charge his conscience with on the side of flattery for I understand he was never known to praise one line that was written even by those with whom he lived on terms of good fellowship this arrogance and presumption and depreciating authors for whose reputation the company may be interested is such an insult upon the understanding as I could not bear without wincing I desired to know his reasons for decrying some works which had afforded me uncommon pleasure and as demonstration did not seem to be his talent I dissented from his opinion with great freedom having been spoiled by the deference and humility of his hearers he did not bear contradiction with much temper and the dispute might have grown warm had it not been interrupted by the entrance of a rival bard at whose appearance he always quits the place they are of different cabals and have been at open war these twenty years if the other was dogmatical this genius was declamatory he did not discourse but harangue and his orations were equally tedious and turgid he too pronounces ex-cathedra upon the characters of his contemporaries and though he scruples not to deal out praise even lavishly to the lowest reptile in grub street who will either flatter him in private or mount the public rostrum as his panegyrus he damns all the other writers of the age with the utmost insolence and rancor one is a blunderbuss as being a native of Ireland another a half starved louse of literature from the banks of the tweed a third and asked because he enjoys a pension from the government a fourth the very angel of dullness because he succeeded in a species of writing in which this aristarchus had failed a fifth who presumed to make strictures upon one of his performances he holds as a bugging criticism who stenches more offensive than his sting in short accept himself and his mermitons there is not a man of genius or learning in the three kingdoms as for the success of those who have written without the pale of this confederacy he imputes it entirely to want of taste in the public not considering that to the approbation of that very tasteless public he himself owes all the consequences he has in life those originals are not fit for conversation if they would maintain the advantage they have gained by their writing they should never appear but upon paper for my part I am shocked to find a man have sublime ideas in his head and nothing but illiberal sentiments in his heart the human soul will be generally found most effective in the article of candor I am inclined to think no mind was ever wholly exempt from envy which perhaps may have been implanted as an instinct essential to our nature I am afraid we sometimes palliate this vice under the spacious name of emulation I have known a person remarkably generous, humane moderate and apparently self-denying who could not hear even a friend commended without betraying marks of uneasiness as if that commendation had implied an odious comparison to his prejudice and every wreath of praise added to the other's character was a garland plucked from his own temples this is a malignant species of jealousy of which I stand acquitted in my own conscience whether it is a vice or an infirmity I leave you to inquire there is another point which I would much rather see determined whether the world was always as contemptible as it appears to me at present if the morals of mankind have not contracted an extraordinary degree of depravity within these 30 years then must I be infected with the common vice of old men to facilice, quarrelous, lauditor temporis actae or which is more probable the impetuous pursuits and avocations of youth have formerly hindered me from observing those rotten parts of human nature which now appear to my observation we have been at court and change and everywhere and everywhere we find food for spleen and subjects for ridicule my new servant Humphrey Clinker turns out a great original and Tabby is a changed creature she has parted with chowder and does nothing but smile like Malvolio in the play I'll be hanged if she is not acting apart which is not natural to her disposition for some purpose which I have not yet discovered back to the characters of mankind my curiosity is quite satisfied I have done with the science of men and must now endeavor to amuse myself with the novelty of things I am at present by a violent effort of the mind forced from my natural bias but this power is ceasing to act I shall return to my solitude with redoubled velocity everything I see and hear and feel in this great reservoir of folly navery and sophistication it attributes to enhance the value of a country life in the sentiments of yours always Matt Bramble London June 2 end of section 35 section 36 of the expedition of Humphrey Clinker this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org the expedition of Humphrey Clinker by Tobias Smollett section 36 to Mrs. Mary Jones at Brambleton Hall Dear Mary Jones Lady Grisken's Butler, Mr. Crumb having got Squire Barton to frank me a kiver I would not neglect to let you know how it is with me and the rest of the family I could not write by John Thomas for because he went away in a huff at a minute's warning he and Chowder could not agree and so they fit upon the road and Chowder bit his thumb and he swore he would do him a mischief and he spoke saucy to mistress whereby the Squire turned him off in a gudgeon and by God's providence we picked up another footman called Humphrey Clinker a good soul has ever broke bread which shows that a scalded cat may prove a good mouser and a houndby staunch though he has got narrow hair on his buttocks but the proudest nose may be brought to the brine stone by sickness and misfortunes. Oh Molly what shall I say of London all the towns that ever I be held in my born days are no more than Welsh Barrow's and Crumblicks to this wonderful city even Bath itself is but a village in the name of God one would think there's no end of the streets but the land's end then there's such power of people going hurry scurry such a racket of coxes such a noise and hella blue so many strange sights to be seen oh gracious my poor Welsh brain has been spinning like a top ever since I came hither and I have seen the park and the palace of St. Gimsies and the kings and the queens magisterial pursing and the sweet young princes and the hilly fence and Pie Baldass and all the rest of the royal family last week I went with Mistress to the tower to see the crowns and wild beasties and there was a monstrous lion with teeth half a quarter long and a gentleman bid me not go near him if I wasn't a maid being as how he would roar and tear and play the dickens now I had no mind to go near him for I cannot abide such dangerous honey mills not I but Mistress would go and the beast kept such a roaring and bouncing that I thought he would have broke his ass all and the gentleman tittered for sooth but I'll go to death upon it I will that my lady is as good a virgin as the child unborn and therefore either the gentleman told a fib for the lion off to be set in the stocks for bearing false witness again his neighbor for the commandment sayeth thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor I was afterwards of a party at Sadler's Wells where I saw such tumbling and dancing upon ropes and wires that I was frightened and ready to go into a fit I thought it was all enchantment and believing myself bewitched began for to cry you know this how the witches in Wales fly upon broomsticks but here was flying without any broomstick or thing in this bar soul world and firing of pistols in the air and blowing of trumpets and swinging and rolling of wheelbarrows upon wire God bless us no thicker than a sewing thread that to be sure they must deal with the devil a fine gentleman with a pig's tail and a golden sword by his side came to comfort me and offered for to treat me with a pint of wine but I would not stay and so in going through the dark passage he began to show his cloven foot and went for to be rude my fellow servant unfree clinker did him be civil and he gave the young man a douse on the chops but I fackens Mr. clinker one long in his debt with a good okon sapling he dusted his doublet for all his golden cheese toaster and flipping me under his arm carried me home I knows not how being I was in such a frustration but thank God I'm now veined from all such vanities for what are all those rarities and vagaries to the glory that shall be revealed hereafter oh molly let not your poor heart be puffed up with vanity I had almost forgot to tell you that I have had my hair cut and pippered and singed and bolstered and buckled in the newest fashion by a French freezer parley Valfrance V Mademoiselle I now carries my head higher than aero private gentlewoman of veils last night coming home from the meeting I was taken by lamplight for an imminent polterer's daughter a great beauty but as I was saying this is all vanity and vexation of spirit the pleasures of London are no better than sour way and stale cider when compared to the joys of the new Jerusalem Dear Mary Jones and please God when I return I'll bring you a new cap with a turkey shell comb and a pie house sermon that was in the tabernacle and I pray of all love you will mind your writing in your spelling for craving your pardon molly it made me sweat to decipher your last scrabble which was delivered by the hind at bath Oh woman woman if thou hadst the least consumption of what pleasure we scholars have when we can conster the crabbits to buck off hand and spell the ethnic birds without looking at the primer as for clinker he is qualified to be a clerk to a parish but I'll say no more remember me to Saul poor soul it goes to my heart to think she don't yet know her letters but in all God's good time it shall go hard but I will bring her the ABC and gingerbread and that you knows will be learning to her taste mistress says we are going along journey to the north but go where we will I shall ever be here mary jones yours with true infection win jankins london june 3 end of section 36 recording by trisha g