 Hi everyone, I'm George Cal and I'm happy to be here with Christine Goyette. We're going to be talking about Marriage and how we can make marriage more alive and fulfilling Especially Christine works with women and first I'm gonna say hi Christine. Thanks for being here. Hi George. Thanks for having me Yeah, so Christine I'm gonna read your bio for everybody and then we'll get into this very important conversation and I just should mention that Christine you're in my Facebook ads mastermind of course, so just It's great to have you there. Alright, so Christine helps women go from feeling lonely and unhappy in their marriage To feeling cherished and desired again Whether your relationship has just lost its spark or or your crisis She can help you revitalize it and empower you to turn things around And she has a Facebook page which I will be linking in the notes of this video And as well as a link to have a 30-minute call with her And so I will be sure to and it's a it's a 30-minute Complementary calls that right? Yes, it is very wonderful. Okay, so Christine one of the things one of the reasons you got into This work is that you were following some conventional advice about marriage and it wasn't really working for you Can you tell us more about that? Yeah, absolutely. Um, so I had my Breakdown really Where I realized wow What I've been following is not Working so one day I had an unusual honest conversation. My husband told me he doesn't feel loved and you know if he died tomorrow, I'd be okay and That was a huge like it shook my world because Here I was thinking, you know, what man want is a strong Independent not needy woman who can handle it all and And you know doesn't even need a man like you know, she's strong on her own and Yes, I was like I was it was really painful to hear that and So I started looking you know, it's just like You know what makes a man feel loved really and so I Spend interaction because I've been following you know, like sensibly sounding advice that you hear like it takes two to have a good relationship Never go to bed angry Discuss your problems that kind of thing and If I'd known what kind of damage it would do to my relationship I would have stopped long ago Yeah, so what I found like I I It's kind of like a drug. That's what it seems like, you know a short term Like it works for a long term you it has damaging effects, you know, maybe you live or die or something and so I discovered some stuff and it was almost like a I seek a secret I had been let in and I Tried the stuff out and within two weeks Two weeks My marriage felt revitalized and I felt I was feeling butterflies again. You know after ten years of marriage. It's like Wow, I no idea. It could be that way and so um Yeah, I Also did the single handedly like my my I didn't have to drag my husband since I'm married marriage counseling and I Was really I love that I could work behind the scenes, you know one day was saying, huh We haven't been fighting in a while. I'm like, hmm, you noticed So, um, yeah, so I want to talk about two. There's a bunch of things that I did And I want to talk about two things so one that I Attribute to Giving me butterflies again and the other one was like the biggest surprise Like I had no idea how important that was and then I was doing it all wrong so the first one was appreciation and You know, I had so many blocks. I have to honestly tell you I was I Was like I was afraid like if I appreciated for something that wasn't quite up to how you know to my standards Up to how I wanted it. He would stop, you know He he would I wouldn't get what I really wanted or if I appreciated him for something then maybe he would think it's optional And or even resentment like hey, I work hard too. Why would I have to appreciate him? so those kind of blocks I noticed and But it wasn't it wasn't true like the more I appreciated him the more he wanted to do stuff for me it was like wow this, you know, it's counter-intuitive really and Yeah, and So that was really and so so it was like a two-pronged effect that appreciation had on the one hand I got you know, he did a lot more for me and You know felt like probably he could succeed with me like I was Pleasable probably if I or I don't know if that's even a word but on the other hand I I I Fell in love with him again because I focused in what I wanted instead of what I used to I just focused on all things he wasn't doing and So so that came back like wow I really have a cool a great guy like look at all the things that he's doing because it was always Hunting for things that I could appreciate him or it's kind of like a homework, you know Like look for the things you could appreciate. So that was really um That was really great So the other thing But I want to talk about it's like that surprising Thing that I didn't know and actually before you go on Christine, I want to ask you about this This is it sounds so simple, but as somebody who has also been married for for about 10 years I mean gosh, it doesn't have to be 10 years. It could even be three years or two years, you know or for 40 years It's it's not it's it's not and I mean lots of people watching this understand Because they've been in long-term relationships too. It's it's not intuitive It is like you said counter-intuitive to appreciate your partner because the easiest thing for us humans to do is to takings for granted And so what did you say a bit more about appreciation? How did you appreciate your husband? Like did you just say something or did you like how did you yeah? Um, that's a different ways. Um, well first of all it was it became a game to me Like okay, how can I appreciate him what and so I was I was like a detective almost And so that you know really put my mind into like the folks like I shifted my focus literally um, I Would write him little notes. I would text him. I would tell him I would You know leaves like, you know, like in the bathroom mirror when it's all fogged up leave a little message there I would put Something on the dashboard You know slip a note in his bathroom But like so in different ways and he really and and say it in front of our son as well That was a big one like like like Appreciate like wow, you know It's because dad's working so hard we can we get to do this or we you know that kind of things like oh It's like he you know, he rose a couple inches That's a yeah, that's a really great great tips and I think especially that last one where you you praise the person in front of somebody else You know because it's it's so rare that it happens, you know So and this is great and so you see we're seeing the second thing that really was a Was a game changer for you. Yeah, by the way, so to suggest in this leads kind of into that other thing It's like I think the conventional thing is you or that's how I grew up anyways And maybe other women can relate Where in order to get what you want in order to see the changes that you want you have to criticize and you have to You know like nag or demand or But my experience now and so that's how that's how it was for me never quite worked right and what short term because you know like People want to you know, they want I don't want to get you off your back or they want to they really do care and Want to make a difference but not it it's not inspiring Yeah, it's it's more like a chore and and so Yeah, like so it might like this whole appreciation for example, it's got me more of what I wanted It's it. So yeah, that's what I said earlier about counter to it. It's not quite. I Define a different attitude. So the second piece that I wanted to talk about is respect And how we women in general, I'm generalizing obviously we have a quite a different idea of what respect actually means and You know like I never even thought of respect like when I if I would have I would have probably You know thought about the one time I got pulled over by a police officer you know like yes or no sir or to not talk back to a teacher or To offer my seat on the bus to an elderly person. That's you know, that's what I thought of in terms of respect and So But for men it could be quite different. So if we think of I Think women think of respect more in terms of being considerate like, you know, don't leave a mess or One way I'll pick up a strike cleaning or Fees, you know coming home late from work. We eat the dinner, but That's all nice to him. You know, I'm sure he appreciates But it it's like it completely misses the mark for respect for him like when we like Criticize him at the same time or roll our eyes at his idea or Interrupt or trying to teach him something Or point out his mistakes That's you know, he's likely to get defensive because you've just been disrespectful, but to a woman She might be really puzzled about that. It's like why is he reacting that way because in her mind, she you know, she wasn't She didn't call him names or yelled at him, but she was just trying to be helpful or to It's or or What's another word like yeah, she's or practical or or logical or sensible, you know, that So so but then he reacts crumb grumpy why he well she let's say reheats his dinner And that's likely to cause a breakdown because hey, he's being disrespectful to me or you know, not appreciative So here we like she has no idea what she just That she was just disrespectful in he you know being The strong big men's unlikely gonna say you just heard me or you just emasculated me But instead, you know, he's he's gonna be withdrawn You know, maybe watch more TV Maybe work longer. Maybe. Oh, maybe, you know go on the offense of you know being mean or call her names in all of that so it's really important for the woman to get an understanding of what respect looks like to a man and to You know to demonstrate her faith in him in his competence and In appreciate his thinking really that's that's what I come down to Yeah, yeah, I like that You you said a word. I think that's a really worth And then going into a little bit emasculated him emasculation What is that for those who don't know what that means and why that's important? What is that? well, you know and when you When a woman would That's a masculine really It's like it's like it's like downplay the yeah Right Exactly making less manly. Yes. That's that's really it and But she's not aware of that. Yeah, sometimes a woman might be aware Because she gets scared and she's fearful so she needs to cut him down. No, like what's what's the phrase like your views? Now I can come up with it. So sometimes it's on purpose because she's afraid But oftentimes is it's yeah, it's She's not aware Again the example I just said, you know the criticizing and the rolling eyes and interrupting said I actually have a client story where the client would She So she would feel like that's like a train coming on like he would have this idea and if she didn't stop the train She was going to be rolled over or or end up as a passenger not having any say over what was going on And so when he said something Let's say Let's go to Las Vegas for our anniversary anniversary For example, and she would be like no, I don't want to go to Las Vegas And she would stop it in its tracks like because if he doesn't stop it who knows what's going to happen And so when she learned to be You know when you shared about respect and what what kind of effect that has on the intimacy of a relationship physical intimacy, too then She was like yes, she was willing to give it a try and so she was quite she was quite scared like she's What's that gonna? You know am I am I like one of the phrases? That a woman would use to be more respectful is to say just I hear you and she thought if she says I hear you to his ideas Then that meant You know it was gonna happen But really what our experience ended up being was She would say that and he would talk more and Then he would try to find out with her like hey, what do you think about that or? Would you like that? It's like I said, oh, he's actually asking for my preference on for my input and So she wasn't gonna get steamrolled and in fact the more she did that the more She she described it as I brought out this sledgehammer like Stopped idea right now so that nothing terrible is gonna happen And and you know then throw this big wet blanket on him. So, you know make him stop but instead it was he She was no longer that drag to him, but instead he shared once you he wanted he he Sincerely wanted her to be happy and to be on board and to find out what she wanted to do You know in this example. It's like it was just a real Counter-intuitive again. It's counter-intuitive Yeah, let them talk and even sometimes, you know, like somebody will have some ideas and sounds crazy in the moment It's like I hear you You know, like if he wants to go to the moon, whatever it's like instead of saying that's and that's crazy What are you talking about and kind of shutting him up? It's like, hmm. I hear you And it's just, you know, just some ideas like somebody just Shares some dots, but you do is out on it when you stop and try, you know, it's like that's insane. That's crazy No, we're not gonna do that or Yeah, so But listening respectfully really opens up like it makes for more, you know comes back like in the beginning Of a relationship you have these tender Conversations and where he shares and really opens up because that's really what most women want, right? They want those kind of conversations, but they squash him along the way With that sledgehammer or what blanket or whatever term that yeah, that's a really that's a great example Yeah, and it really is I mean part of what we're talking about is this dynamic between male and female Right. It's like when you when you do when you do the respect it It amplifies the male aspect, you know of your of your spouse, you know, and that that creates more More of a dynamism in the relationship, which makes things more exciting and more more fun and more yeah intimate, etc Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I've over the years. I've You know, there's this like a woman can do anything a man could do or can do and so Like, you know, she should and I've come to see that's not no, it's not like we have different Strength that's right different strengths different roles different ways that we're different ways that we can be really happy, right? Well, thank you so much Christine. I really appreciate these great tips profound tips and things that I'm going to remember in my own relationship too and so How can how can people, you know, we mentioned the 30 minute Call with you. That's a complimentary call. It's called you call revitalize your marriage call and the it's really for women who want to stop feeling lonely and resentful and start feeling happy cherished and desired in their marriage and The link to the call is it's a great link Call with Christine calm call with Christine calm CH RIS T. I mean by your name. So Anything one say about that before we complete the call? Yeah, it's just I'm offering that just to get the start conversation started because Honestly, I didn't set out to be a coach or do any kind of business. I'm a homeschooling mom I got my plate full but but I felt like, you know, I felt really sad about those Relationships are just like where the woman either feels there's no hope or You know, there's been usually women find me because there's been some kind of crisis, you know infidelity or Or Yeah, you know really hard things that that that catapult a woman into action But it's also Yeah, it's like, I mean it just makes me sad to see A couple go through divorce and then everybody loses the kids lose in their process and and there's just like it can be saved It can be saved. It can it can really turn around even if it looks really grim right now Yeah, I'd love to have that conversation Yes, and Well, and I hope those who are not yet in or not in that situation who want to make Their current marriage even better would consider talking with you as well because that's you know, why why have a marriage that's just blah You know That would be so exciting to me to talk to women who are just you know, like it like me We weren't okay like it was okay. It was no big fight. So it's like kind of like really it's really And I thought that's how it is like after so many years, but it doesn't have to be so I would be really Excited to to talk to someone whose marriage is actually pretty good and then just to take it, you know Make it newlywits again. I'll grade with Debbie. It's totally possible Amazing amazing. Well, thank you so much Christine for the work that you do and Those who are interested there are links below the link to schedule with Christine for this complimentary 30 minute call is www.callwithChristine.com so check it out. All right, Christine. Thank you so much. Thanks George Bye