 Twinkle twinkle lovely star with your talent. You'll go far. Where can I find you? Tell me pray I'm on the air for RCA RCA Victor world leader in radio first and recorded music and first in television presents the Phil Harris Salas Bay show Let's face show transcribe written by Ed James and Al Schwartz with Elliot Lewis Walter Tetley Janine ruse and with Bill Walter sharp and his music and yours truly Bill Foreman tonight's minor masterpiece is entitled the chaperones or Plug the hole in the silo father. The corn is leaking out First is a word from RCA Victor a victor program Alice Bay and the Harris household Of course, it's evening in a lot of other places, too But it's still evening in the Harris household at the moment everything is peaceful and calm But it won't stay that way for long Elliot is waiting in the den and Phil a happy little chappy Is about to burst in the song again All I want for Christmas is some black eyed peas some black eyed peas yes some black eyed peas All I want for Christmas is some black eyed peas and maybe some chocolate cover chit lines All I want for Christmas is some southern ammo with the candid yam, but leave off the spam. Oh hi, Elliot Who room closed already? What's the matter you look like a hard night in Las Vegas Curly I'm in no mood for levity What no jokes, please I got troubles somebody unloaded your dice, huh? That's right laugh at me Julius Larosa never had a problem like mine But don't let that body you go ahead laugh Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You ain't kidding. Are you what I cared about thing like this? It's all over curly Finished washed up you got married Worse you know that old routine we used to do with the Dixieland doozies you mean who was that ladle? I seen you with last night that was no ladle. That was my knife Yeah, look Elliot don't worry. Well, you're nobody's gonna hold that against you No, you don't understand I got paid 20 bucks to do the routine at a club. Oh and Jack Webb's gonna slap you with a 419 Oh What 419 taking money under false pretenses Nobody slapped me with anything. I haven't even done the act yet and stuff war in step worry And he said I can't do the act without a partner. Can I and I can't get a partner any place I see what's coming. Oh Curly. Look, you know the route tell you don't start with me But it'd be so easy. We wouldn't even have to rehearse. You know the whole bit Elliot I ain't doing no cornball routine. I'm getting too old to duck You don't have to duck we do it in back of a screen Elliot in two words no My friend my pal I asked him to do one little favor look I ain't gonna do it ten minutes That's all it'll take the whole thing. I ain't gonna do it. Okay ain't gonna do it Let him throw me in jail. Well, you care they won't throw you in any jail Curly I took the money. I'll wind up in the clink You won't wind up in the clink not if I can help it you do the act with me When do they allow visitors? Big joke I'm heading for the rock pile. He makes jokes Elliot the whole thing is so simple give him back to 20 bucks Give it back sure tell him you got a better offer from Molotov's Hawaiian Gardens Curly you see I Met this jockey tilt But it was a short thing bourbon boy howdy finish Fifth maybe he needed a chaser the worry if you haven't got the 20 bucks. I'll lend it to you But Curly I'll give it to you It'd be worth 20 bucks to stay away from that corny routine. We used to do gee Thanks Curly You know Curly You're like a mother to me I don't let these curls fool you Oh We're in here in the den honey. Hey Curly you won't forget about the 20 bucks. I'll give it to you I'll give it to you stop worry Bill Phil. Do you want to see something adorable? You got a new picture of me? Well, it's little Alice. Come on in Angel. Okay, mom. Look honey Elliot and I have a little business to What are you supposed to be she's madam pompadour? Oh Dig the wig man Sure we do honey, it's just well ain't it a little late to go trick-or-treating Look it isn't for Halloween Phil little Alice is going to a masquerade dance with sniffy. Oh She is is she hey look Curly give me the 20 bucks and I can go wait a minute I got to take care of this first. Who said that she could go to a dance Well, you're not gonna start that again. Are you why not? She's as much my daughter as she is yours Hey, Curly just give me the 20 bucks and I wouldn't care if she was 16 or 15 but she's only 14. She's a baby. She's an infant. She's She's wearing lipstick again Curly if you don't have a 20 maybe two 10s You can hardly notice hardly notice it. She looks like a side order to catch up But dad it's the latest thing riding hood red. Oh fine now. She carries her own wolf bait Maybe four fives curl Elliot 2010 he's Always wanted little Alice to know the right people. Sure. And who does she pick out sniffy a post-nasal drip? He can't help it dad. He's allergic allergic. He sounds like Niagara Falls with a slow lead He's a very nice boy and besides he's taking her to the finest country club in Los Angeles. I wouldn't care if he was take Lakeside Exactly lakeside. No kidding guys. Curly you've been trying to crash that joint for ten years You know honey, maybe I have been a little too strict with little Alice. Oh dad it might be a good idea if she went Properly chaperone of course Now you're talking Curly after all I am her father and even though it's going to Cut in on my evening of father's first duty as to his child Isn't it? I want to go to Lakeside It'd be a great place to go Curly well you can't go to Lakeside. It's a costume party. Okay. I'll put on my good suit and go as a bump Costumes Curly I got the outfits from the act we can go as the cornball brother. Hey, that's right Alice We'll wear those loud coats and the straw hats and we'll wait a minute Roy hold What do you mean we can go we you and me? You and I She was such a hurry to pay back to 20 bucks. What happened with that? Well, there's no big rush Then what was this routine four fives two thousand pennies? I Let's figure my income for next year Two thousand pennies, I'm expecting a good year Dad I don't need a chaperone really. I don't don't be ridiculous every girl needs a chaperone But they'll have a dozen chaperones at the dance. They won't need you. Oh, they won't huh? Well, let me put it this way little Alice What's coming up next week? Christmas okay, what do we have on Christmas a Christmas tree? What goes under the Christmas tree presents and who gives you the best presents? You do then who's going to be your chaperone tonight? Need a chaperone This kid ain't too bright Well, honey, you might as well face it if you want to go to the dance You've got a chaperone. Gee whiz. What am I gonna tell sniffy? I don't know. You'd better think of something fast Let's sniffy infill. How do you know it's sniffy doorbell just waved a handkerchief? Oh Okay, I'll let a man sniffy Well, maybe it's my fault. I take a nip. She comes up with a drip Hello, mr. Harris, hello sniffy park your nose drops and come in Beautiful night isn't this the only snorkel I've ever seen without a sub Hello sniffy. Hello, Mrs. Harris Hello, mr. Lewis. Hi sniffy old kid. Hello sniffy Hello, Alice Now but you just inhaled your necktie Don't have a necktie, mr. Harris Indians never wear necktie. You're supposed to be an Indian naturally curly. He's a member of the Blackfoot tribe How do you know? We'll just look at his pardon me. Those are his galoshes Great an Indian with galoshes. Oh, I think you look very nice sniffy. Thank you, Mrs. Harris of Hiawatha Sounds more like chief rain in the face Mother will never get to the dance. Well, let's go up ready Sniffy sniffy. There's been a slight change in plans Mr. Harris is going with you as a chaperone. Oh, that'll be great fun Well, Phillip, you're going you and Elliot better get into your costume. All right, honey, mr. Lewis, too I'm gonna umpire on the bases All right, come on Elliot. Where'd you leave the corn boil costumes? They're in my suitcase in the hall Well, let's get them and put them on. Let's get this show on the road. Okay, professor. Let's have the overture Mother do they have to go? I'm afraid so dear gosh. He went to the movies with us once and he kept talking to the people in the pictures Well, they were probably friends of his Mother don't worry, honey. No, I'll come along later to make sure your father doesn't get in anybody's way. You will gee That'll be great, Mrs. Harris Do you have a costume? Oh? Well, I'll I'll I'll whip something up, but when as soon as I finish my number, okay? For me when you kissed me your love would ricochet Your lips would find another and your heart would go astray in each arm But then one day you ricochet to someone else's arms and baby I don't want a rickshaw romance I don't want a rickshaw love if you're careless with your kisses find another to love I can't live on rickshaw romance. No, no, not me if you're gonna rickshaw, baby I'm gonna set you free. I knew the day I met you You had a roving eye I thought that I could hold you What a fly was to try be faithful and you would never stray Then like a rifle bullet You began to ricochet and baby. I don't want a rickshaw romance I don't want a rickshaw love if you're careless with your kisses find another to love I can't live on rickshaw romance. No, no, not me if you're gonna rickshaw, baby I'm gonna set you free He announced he proud I whispered to you was company and you prefer and when you finish buzzing Cousin you buzz right back to me and baby. I don't want a rickshaw romance I don't want a rickshaw love if you're careless with your kisses find another to love I can't live on rickshaw romance. No, no, not me I'm actually here a classic looking dump ain't it Now are you kidding? This is the richest dive in the whole country. You see that swimming pool solid gold and look at that welcome mat solid mink The grass don't look so hot grass What's the matter you nuts is something they don't use grass. What's all that green stuff? What is it? shredded money Nibbler can stand by I'll cut it out. Don't you understand? Mr. Harris. We got the car park Then stop blowing your horn Nothing nothing. Let's get inside. Come on Elliot. Oh dad. I'm so excited. Wait a minute Alice Elliot, where are you? Just a second curly gosh, mr. Harris. Why is mr. Lewis spelling the Lord? Elliot for crying out loud. Hey curly, you know that grass what about it? That's grass You're gonna get me kicked out of the place before I even get in but you said it was never mind what I said Crawling around on your hands and knees. What are you looking for a gopher with a deposit slip? Will you please try to act like a gentleman how I do that? Well, love Didn't you ever hear of Emily post I don't know she was a gentleman love Just watch anybody that you see around here. That's all you have to do Just watch anybody that you see around here and then do just what they do, okay? Sniffy sir, I was talking to Elliot Elliot will you please keep one thing in mind? This is the finest club in the entire country the people who belong to this club or the cream of society They don't let just anybody in here. You got to be a captain of industry a financial giant You got to have background and breeding you got to have culture Hey Julius, what are you doing here cream of society, huh curly? Maybe it curdled a little Captains of industry background and breeding You've been doing it too long To have a see later dad this let's make a deal I'll buy a couple of tickets Let us in you be collecting tickets at the pearly gates more than one way to skin a cat. Oh, fine What are we chaperones or taxi dermis? Curly just remember stone walls do not a prison make nor iron bars a cave so what we don't want to get out We want to get in okay, what's wrong with the window? Well over there. Oh, yeah That's a good idea. Come on We'll show that Julius have to show them we'll get in there and clobber Hey, here's a good window. Come on. I'll give you a boost a boost. Yeah me. Yeah, what's the matter you nuts or something? No, I'm nuts or something a window is high. Okay. Okay, so it's high Stand back and watch a super athlete leap into action You mean you're gonna jump it watch me but curly here I go Think you should open the window first the sound man. What's the matter? We're in the ladies powder room Well straighten your shoulder straps and let's go go ahead open it up Okay, Curly come on out boy Scott knife see Why mr. Harris you're pulling my leg I was closing the door. Let's get going. Okay. Look miss. Uh, madam, uh, honey Hey Curly, huh, that's Julius's aunt. You remember the one who owns the brewery. I keep turning up I don't know when I went to school Lincoln never looked like that Don't make sense Curly. She owns a brewery and has a shape like a bottle of Coca-Cola. Yeah He says the sweetest things Gee Clara, you sure look pretty in that dress and and everything It's just something I threw on I've got news for you it almost missed I was just thinking um is The brewery in your name or your husband It's in my name Elliot Everything's in my name Clara How do you feel about bigamy? Curly there's one thing I ought to tell you like what mr. Lewis. I'm so happy that you and your partner could make it heart Elliot you mean this is where you booked the act now Curly if you don't let me explain. I don't want no explanation now look lady lady I want you to listen to me now my friend shouldn't have taken the 20 clams because he had no straight man And I'm playing straight for no corn ball. So take back your double-saw buck and skip the whole routine. Oh Really Curly she don't know what you're talking about. Oh, yes, I do mr. Lewis But there are certain extenuating circumstances which preclude the possibility of cancellation at this belated hour Now I don't know what she's talking It's very simple mr. Whatever your name is you go on in five minutes Lady if you'll only listen you go on in five minutes George Yes, will you step back a little cause when I get through tearing Elliot in the small piece you stay right? We are Clara don't move not just a minute Elliot will you stand still so I can slug Don't swing Curly. I'll hit Clara. You wouldn't hit a lady. Would you boys? Please you'll tear my dress Elliot You're a cow. Yeah, but a healthy coward Curly Boys you're messing my bustle when I get hold of you. Well, I'm gonna explain it Curly if you're only I am not gonna well make them listen to me honey. I what are you playing? Ring around the chaperone Just a minute Alice. I can explain everything You'd better start hello, Mrs. Harris you got here just in time You can say that again All right, hello, Mrs. Harris. You know Now will you please listen to me? Why should she do listen to me you keep out of this now? Look Alice this banjo picker told him that I'd do that corny act with him, and I You mean this is part of the act. No, I of course it is Alice. Of course it is. That's what we were doing rehearsing the act Weren't we curly what act you never oh, yeah? Yeah, that's what we were doing rehearsing the act with Clara sure we were just going over her line. Yeah Sir and part of the act honey. We were teaching Clara the routine You're in the act ain't you Clara? I am listen to that timing Alice She'll murder the post you'll pulverize them. I've got news for you I'll be in the audience and if Clara isn't in the act somebody's going to be pulverized Gentlemen, I know you're going to be surprised by what we have in store for you The next item on the agenda was procured at great expense to provide the ultimate in entertainment Ladies and gentlemen boys and girls the soccer-tash brothers and Clara That crazy little light of the silver a moon. Oh dig that moon. I want to school Ceciboon Keep a shining in June. I love that June. You're still three beams will bring love's dreams We'll be car to learn soon in a kettle echo named Lorna doon. Well, you're close. I'm going out with her sister Nothing doing. Oh, sure a wave is a girl in the Navy and how about a whack? Well, that'd be a girl in the army Okay, then what's a walk a walk? I don't know Elliot. What is a walk? That's easy curly a walk is what you flow at She's a buzz off that one dad you came up with a beat Say curly all at a minute. I'm just doing what they call a back evermore with a double pitch Now what's on your mind? I understand you made a big hit kissing the girls. I did huh? How do you know I just passed a couple of corine's and one of them said there goes Phil Harris boy? What a kisser? Stick that one in a bottle, son. It's a Your silvery beams will bring love's dreams will be cattle on so Kind of closer to me babe by the silver remote. What'd you think? I Don't know Do you feel all right? I feel great. Why I'm in your whole life You've ever told me the honey. I always tell you the truth if I don't make the building collapse All right, Phil Phil stop holding on to the wall. Just want to make sure Who's for you? You know who is in the audience Abe first Fogel booked us for a week at Lowe's