 Hello there lovers and friends, Throners and Throneys, it's a microphone getting stuck in my hand. And even if you don't watch Game of Thrones, I think this video might be of interest to you. I am going to break down attachment theory in this video and I'm going to assign each Game of Thrones character, not each, just the ones I care about, to a different attachment style that I think they fit underneath. Now attachment style is a system developed by James Bulby, was it James or Jamie? Attachment style was a system developed by John Bulby and it is a way of thinking of how we create intimate bonds. And a lot of the times our attachment style derives from childhood. And if we're not aware of it, it can end up running. And in many cases, ruining our relationships as many of the Game of Thrones characters saw firsthand. Full disclaimer, this video was shot before the final episode. So maybe in the end, everybody makes love. It's basically the end of sausage party. And everything works out great. I don't know yet. But before this, I'm pretty sure that these characters fit underneath these archetypes. So go to the quiz right now and speaking of the quiz, I created my Game of Thrones attachment theory quiz on my Squarespace website because Squarespace is thebomb.com. And if you don't know, you about to find out. This video is sponsored by Squarespace from websites and online stores to marketing tools and analytics. Squarespace is an all in one platform to build a beautiful online presence and run your business. Squarespace is where I host and design my websites, including thegameofdesire.com. Go to thegameofdesire.com slash throne to take my Game of Thrones attachment quiz and to get some inspiration for how Squarespace can power your next big idea. So let's dive right into it, starting with securely attached. I'm actually gonna read directly from my new book, The Game of Desire because I think it's so important to know who you are before you go out into the world and find who you want. Roughly half of the population is securely attached. People with secure attachment freely display interest and affection towards others but are also comfortable being alone. They make boundaries and they stick to them. They aren't possessive nor are they passive or dismissive. They're capable of accepting rejection and have little trouble trusting people. With that in mind, I'm sure you're thinking of the Starks. No, not the kids, the parents. Ned and Catlin Stark had an extremely secure relationship. They developed relationships that were based on trust, independence, but also nurturing. They deeply cared for the people around them but they also didn't smother the individuals around them. And sometimes their trusting nature ended up being their downfall in the end. Another securely attached character in The Game of Thrones is Missande. Now we don't get to know a whole lot about her and sometimes the less you know about someone, the easier it is to see the positive in them. We don't know her backstory per se and the only relationships we see her developing are the ones with Grey Worm and the Queen of Dragons Daenerys. And so through those relationships though, you can see she gives her partner space to go out there and have their own life, their own values and goals but also at the same time loves to be very close to them and has no problem expressing her affection and her desire to be around these people. She is a prime example of a securely attached individual. I would have said Grey Worm as well because here's the thing with attachment theory. Birds of a feather tend to do well together. So secure and secure do quite well together. Hence why Ned and Catlin, Missande and Grey Worm. But I couldn't give Grey Worm the pass because I just, I mean, we just don't really know much about him. Next, and this is where things get really fun and we open ourselves up to some healthy debate is anxious attachment. 20% of the population are said to be anxious preoccupied, meaning people who are often nervous, stressed out about their relationships. They crave intimacy but lack the confidence that anyone will truly love them. They worry a lot that someone will lose interest in them and choose someone else. They have a hard time trusting people but also have an even harder time letting go. Do you know who I chose for these ones? Daenerys, the Queen of Dragons and Jamie Lannister. Both of these characters were consistently choosing partners who were emotionally unavailable to them. And when they had opportunities to connect with people who would satisfy their intimate needs, they found themselves a little disinterested. Now the thing with anxious preoccupied individuals is that they tend to look for relationships that are self-fulfilling prophecies. So in their mind, no one will love them enough, no one will be loyal and people will eventually leave them. And as you can see in both these cases, they chose romantic partners who were naturally destined to do just that towards them which only affirms why they need to be anxious to begin with. But here's the thing. If they just got together, they would find themselves in the perfect balance and the relationship that they actually dream of. So I wanna know if you agree with me on this one. I ship Jamie Lannister and Daenerys. I think the two of them would make a perfect couple. She is a strong will leader with a moral compass that can guide someone like Jamie and he's an exceptional fighter and extremely loyal. It just works. Moving right along, let's talk about the avoidant attachment type. Now, people who avoid attachment are super independent and often uncomfortable with too much intimacy. They're the kind of people who require a lot of space and a lot of alone time. They're also afraid of commitment but unlike anxious people, it isn't because they fear they won't get enough love but fear they will get more than they can manage. A dismissive avoidant person may regularly complain about feeling crowded or suffocated. They tend to be hyper focused on individual achievement and see romantic connections as a distraction to their end goal. Well, if we aren't all thinking the same name right now, Aya Stark. Aya Stark is the perfect example of an avoidant attachment type. Now her goal tended to be the murder of others and she saw intimate relationships as a distraction to her achieving that. She looked at her life's purpose as that list and who else also fits that bill? The hound. The hound also pushed people away in fear that they would be a distraction to what he valued most, which was revenge. And at this point, what we do know is that's what got him in the end. Aya, I'm not quite sure what has happened to her at this point but needless to say, you can see how these two types worked well together. You can see why they formed a true intimate bond because their values were aligned. Now is there a romantic connection there? No, because one of them is dead but nonetheless these types of personalities actually would have done quite well together. And the final attachment theory we're going to cover off on and the corresponding Game of Thrones characters which fit into this type is fearful avoidant. This is a combination of dismissive avoidant and anxious preoccupied. These are the people who push others away not because they want space but because they fear once you get too close, you're gonna want space from them. They are torn between fearing and craving a level of intimacy that they don't think anyone can provide. Relationships with fearful avoidants can be best described as hot and cold. Now this was a hard one to assess but when I really thought about it, Tyrion Lannister and Sir Brienne of Tarth were prime examples of the dismissive avoidants. These individuals looked at themselves as ultimately flawed and they thought that if anyone got close enough to them that is what they would see. Now the thing with these characters are they were never proven wrong during the story and that's the unfortunate part. Even with Tyrion in the end, the one person who he devoted himself to and that he chose to dedicate his life to often said, you're not enough. Often looked at him like a disappointment and so the dismissive avoidant type wants close relationships. They truly do wanna be securely attached but they fear that they'll never find somebody who can provide that level of loyalty back towards them. Now the problem is once again they make self-fulfilling prophecies because they don't choose secure partners to devote themselves to. Both of these individuals actually chose anxiously attached partners in Jamie Lannister and in Daenerys. Now when it comes to romantic connections, of course, we didn't see Tyrion make any connections outside of paid workers and that also is a classic behavior of a dismissive avoidant once again feeling like they can't measure up for anybody but ultimately these people just need a secure relationship. They need someone to see them for who they are and not for who they aren't. Which, if you're thinking what I'm thinking, the two of them would have been great together. The whole David and Goliath thing, I would have been hella into it and I think if that doesn't end up being the final twist in the series, that should be like a spin-off. I would definitely watch that series. At this point you might be asking a very important question, what about Jon Snow? Why didn't you mention him in any of the different attachment theories? That is because your girl was conflicted. I actually put him in every category and crossed him out before deciding, I actually don't know. Which if you think about that, that's indicative of his character in the show. He doesn't know if he's a man of the night's watch or if he's a king of the North or if he's a loyal servant or if he's a Targaryen or if he's a Stark. He's a fighter who doesn't actually enjoy fighting. He is a leader who doesn't truly want to lead and so what he tends to do in relationships is pick women who know themselves inside and out, who know who they're loyal to, who know what their cause is. And because he doesn't quite know, he ends up conflicting with them in some cases, betraying them in the end. So for that reason, the only other person I could see him fitting with who also is kind of a mishmash of all attachment theories is Varys, right? Varys is not loyal to any one particular person other than his gut feeling on what good is and what is good for the sake of the realm. But the difference is Varys knows this about himself. He knows that he can't be loyal and he's a little fickle so he chooses to distance himself from intimate connections whereas Jon hasn't quite figured it out yet. But if you have figured it out and you know Jon better than me, in the comment section below, let me know what attachment theory you think he fits under. And at this point, I hope you have gone to thegameofdesire.com, completed the quiz, found your attachment theory and if this has wedded your appetite for self-discovery, for knowing who your intimate self is and having the language to explain that to others, please sign up for my newsletter because immediately you will be sent a six-page workbook which helps you define your intimate self inside and out. 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