 The topic of discussion today is toxic relationship culture. And this is something we have seen, especially in Kenya. Let's not even go far away. We've had so many relationships that we would really consider quite toxic, you know? And there are quite a number of them. All this, it is just because of, I think it's a toxic culture. But have we accepted that this is the way to go? Because in a panel earlier today, there was an older woman and she said, it should never get to the point where you're consuming poison in front of your spouse. It was never meant to get there. So Liz, what do you think? Have we accepted this culture? I feel like we have because even when I look at, for example, the Josh Wanda story, when you look at the comments that people are making, it looks like it's something normal. They have normalized it. And then now people are even making TikTok trends out of it, like the voice notes. You're like, okay, what is this world turning into? I just feel like we've normalized it. A divorce or a separation, it's like a death because you are used to this person and now they are no longer here. So we need to stop undermining the effects of losing relationships. Most men have been socialized to really get so caught up in their image. Like na kaj, usi ni aibishe, usi unagete. But is that really what we're looking for? What people need to deal with is who they are. And I say, by the time you're clocking 30, even if akuna kitui me kufanikia, just do therapy. Silent treatment. You know, I broke up with someone because of my birthday. This person did not talk to me on my birthday. They didn't wish me a happy birthday. And I had expressed to them like important days mean like a lot to me. So people are posting me on Instagram, happy birthday, happy birthday. And then he's like, he was busy. There's something I learnt just the other day and it's something that people actually don't accept. But the moment you accept that, you work on it. Is you attract your equal? You do. Because sometimes these relationships don't start when they are toxic. They start being toxic in the process. You are watching Friends Vibes. All feelings are represented. What's up, guys? Welcome back to yet another episode of Friends Vibes. My good name is Miss Kithingi and I am joined by... Vivian. Liz Jackson. Karibuni Sana. Now, let's get into this conversation. But before that, Kamahauja, subscribe. You are not to be nice because you consume nice content. But then you don't bless us with that subscription. But subscribe too. Thank you. Thank you for subscribing. Now, our topic of discussion today is toxic relationship culture. And this is something we have seen especially in Kenya. Let's not even go far away. We've had so many relationships that we would really consider quite toxic, you know? And there are quite a number of them. And just the other day, we saw this conversation of... This story whereby Josh Wanda, the tiktoker, came out and said that he was cheated on by the fellow tiktoker, Ajib Gathoni. And the way he was explaining this relationship that they had, it was looking quite toxic to me. So, well, we don't know the other story. So we don't know if it's true or not. But based on what we know right now, it was looking quite toxic. And we have also seen people come out on... Manziangutumbili, gender-based violence, even for men. Oh, baby, I came in chapa, nini. We've had a couple of people, politicians, wetangula, you know? As in all this, it is just because of... I think it's a toxic culture. But have we accepted that this is the way to go? What do you guys think? Well, I think we've accepted. And we've decided to each their own. Kilam tu adil na bitu zake. But the reality of the matter is everyone is hurting. Because you see, biologically, as humans, we were created to connect, to build trust, to build proper relationships. So when all those dynamics are tap, tap, tap, definitely we have walking zombies all over the place. And that's why the level of the heart is getting higher. I was in a panel earlier today. There was an older woman and she said, it should never get to the point where you're consuming poison in front of your spouse. It was never meant to get there. And she was giving her own story of she's a widow and she lost her husband. And when she lost her husband, she was so overwhelmed. And she went like five years. She was just doing dealing with bills and all these things. And she said, a divorce or a separation, it's like a death because you are used to this person and now they are no longer here. So we need to stop undermining the effects of losing relationships. We are not stones. CCC or Simiti, we are human beings. And that's one of the reasons even for me, I came out to talk about my own story of getting separated. Because when you are a stigma, you want to have a perfect life, it doesn't exist. God cares about what's in our hearts. And when our hearts are damaged, we are damaged. And we just produce a lot of Mother Godanio. Our hearts need to heal. And both men and women are like. So Liz, what do you think? Have we accepted this culture? I feel like we have even when I look at, for example, the Josh Wanda story, when you look at the comments that people are making, it looks like it's something normal. They have like normalised it. And then now people are even making TikTok trends out of it. Like the voice notes, you're like, okay, what is this world turning into? I just feel like we've normalised it. And also the fact that I remember doing this interview with Tumbili and he says that you see that is, that is now showing the rest of the people that are going probably through gender-based violence, that we should not come out because if you do, then you're going to be trash talked, you're going to be abused, you're not money enough. And that is so bad. But also I want to know, because someone is probably in a toxic relationship and they don't even know, what are some of these traits that we consider toxic? Because some people just stay in a relationship, not knowing it, it actually got toxic a long time ago. What are some of these traits that you would probably consider this is a bad one? Yeah, I think if there is a limited communication, that is a red flag, like you guys can't be able to converse. And then number two, also things like, you're not able to make room for each other, that you can't be yourself while you're in that relationship. You know, that there's no room for you to show your emotions. Of course, we all need to manage our emotions when we are dealing with people, but there are also emotional signs. There are stories like, someone is trying to just shut them out, all those red flags. And based on our culture, there's a lot of that because most people don't know who they are. It is very rare. And I have met many celebrities and many celebrity couples and all these things. It is very rare to find a couple relationship which is actually healthy. Oh, yeah? It's very rare. Yeah. Because you see, most men have been socialised to really get so caught up in their image. Yeah? Like, but is that really what we're looking for? What people need to deal with is who they are. And I say, by the time you're clocking 30, even if you're not in a good mood, just do therapy. G.L.L.A. Because remember, you've carried so much baggage from your breathing, childhood, maybe your mother is going to come back. You know, when people tell you their real story. Mm-hmm. Well, you know, there's a neighbour who is going to call you. Imagine. Like, that was punishment. Your mother is going to punish you. Eh? Are you going to call me? Yeah. I just remembered that. I remember that. Like, there's a lot of abuse that has gone on. And let's not even put aside things like defilement or molesting. Because these things, you never talked about it, but those things come out. They affect you now. They affect you now. And you bring them into the relationship. Exactly. And even for the men, you know? Yeah. We have to look at our biology. We were given tear ducts by God. We need to cry. If you feel pain, if someone you love dies, if your dad dies, if some cry. Cry. Grow yourself emotionally. You know? And I am just wondering, took on a culture like we've all become God Junior. I'm a Holy Spirit Junior. I don't know. So you want to punish your partner. Who died and made you God? Oh my God. Like, what's that? Because that's punishing each other. Not of your silent treatment. It's punishing each other. Why are you punishing someone? Yeah. No. No. Because you were raised, you have to be punished in life. But we have to unlearn those toxic patterns. Yeah. Okay. But because also I feel like, you know, when now you punish this person, they get used to this punishment. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So even you become a worse person. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. Now you cheat 20 times. I feel for me, you've mentioned something very important, silent treatment. You know, I broke up with someone because of my birthday. This person did not talk to me on my birthday. They didn't wish me happy birthday. And I had expressed to them like, important days mean like a lot to me. So people are posting me on Instagram, happy birthday, happy birthday. And then he's like, he was busy. And then he's like, that he was busy. And then he dies like two days later. That one deserves to go. If he knew it was your birthday, he could see people posting new and he deserves to go by, bye-bye, eh-heh. But I feel also about how we were brought up, like myself, I lost my dad when I was very young, like two years or like, I don't even know how he looked like. So when I'm looking for a partner, like I want them to be, I don't have a big brother, I don't have a father. So I like you to protect me, be my dad, be my big brother. So maybe sometimes it can come from a point of, I have never had this, so I'm expecting you to do this. But maybe the other person is not able to provide like all that. So sometimes you may find, who knows, your Gaba or your Shita. Okay, according to me, some of the traits I feel like, you know, that's quite toxic. One is mistrust. Anybody, if you don't trust your partner, then there's definitely something that is going to be going on is very toxic. Because now if, for example, you say hi to someone on the road and they're like, I don't trust anyone, I don't trust anyone, I don't trust anyone, I don't trust anyone, I don't trust anyone, I don't trust anyone, I don't trust anyone, I don't trust anyone. That is, you're not trusting this person and then you start also controlling them. Now when there's control, again, that is toxic. Because again, I feel like, these are grown-ups who've come together, they know what they want, you are looking for a spouse and you found a spouse, you're supposed to be partners and not like one is a child and the other one is a mother or a father. And I've heard there's a community, eh, I will not mention what community is that, but I heard there's a community that if they tell you to say how many, a man comes and he's told, how many people do you have in your family? How many members of your family? They'll be like, I have five children, one is their wife. So their wife is also considered to be a child. There's a culture in, can you even know that culture? Same opportunity. So you see, at the point where someone is seeing you as a child, that it means they will treat you as a child, you will not make a decision in this house. You will actually not have a conversation because they don't consider you their partner. You get. So mistrust, controlling, and of course disrespect, because if someone doesn't respect you, then you're going to feel, you're going to feel, you know, disrespected. Obviously you will feel you're not taken care of, yeah? Because when you see like someone is cheating on you over and over again, like, what's that? Is that respect? I don't know. You know, there are ways we've been socialized there that really brings in a lot of problems. And I like to say the mind is a very dangerous place, right? And you see, we don't know how to live. So we don't know how to train our minds to think in the right way. So once you see something, maybe, uchelere, yeah? In my head, I create a whole story. Lasimali pewa lift na. And I create it and I believe it and I sit with it. And so by the time you're getting home, I am angry at you because of the story that I have created in your head. So number one, it is very important for people to understand how the mind works and not to give it so much authority and power. And for me, because I'm a spiritual person, I really feel like we need to understand that there's a way God designed us as His children, yeah? And that means that as individuals, we need to really find out who am I and what does God want me to do? Every relationship needs to be purpose-filled and a relationship where people are not willing to grow. And I like repeating it. If you're not teachable, because I cannot be like your mother. Yeah, for sure. You know, and even for you, like if I was to tell you, even your husband, he cannot be your father, right? He can have father qualities, but at the end of the day, you need to forgive yourself for that scarcity mindset that you had or thinking that you're less of a person because you were not raised by your father. It's happened to millions of people. In fact, there are people who are not, they are raised even as orphans. Yes, for sure. So number one, of course, we need to extend a lot of compassion to each other and empathy. And you know, if someone has lost someone, we express like how she was talking about it. But also we need, because now we are adults. Yeah. Life has already happened. Take responsibility for your life. Not to achieve the social set ups at this age, at this age, at this age, at this age, at the age of 50 years old, coming to just chill. Like just live your life based on your path and focus on what you're supposed to be doing. That's what I like to say because we also like dating someone who is going to save you from yourself. Now, that's the problem. You don't have to save yourself. Save yourself and it's a crisis. I know how to save you, it's a crisis. And you would be disappointed. Don't go too easy. Eh, this is not the right person. It's because you have baggage. Yes. You want to be saved. You want to be saved, but you need to save yourself. But also we need to make room for each other. We need to learn things like patience, resilience, such things. And you practice them first on yourself and then you can practice them on other people. Me, I fear for you guys and the dating scene. I am happy. I am happy. But I am not happy. You are happy. But you are strong. You are strong. I am strong. I am strong. You have a lot of products but you are ready to use them. But at some point, is it easy? At some point. So Liz, how do you say we should do, we know without this toxic relationship culture? I feel, personally, it should start with me. I think I'm going to save even on the side because me, when I see Jijui, like I don't know what I want. I don't know. There's so many things going on in my life. So I feel before I commit to someone, it is very important for me to understand myself and then I understand them. Then that way it's going to be easier. Yeah. Okay. And there's something I learned just the other day and it's something that people actually don't accept. But the moment you accept that, you work on it. Is you attract your equal? You do. You do. Because sometimes these relationships don't start when they are toxic. They start being toxic in the process. You attract your equal. So if you feel your partner is being toxic towards you, is there something you're doing that you're actually attracting this toxicity? Is there something that you should have, probably you overlooked that is bringing this toxicity? Are you accepting it? Because you know, sometimes you could be accepting it. Yes. You can control your kitambo. But you were deep into it, you didn't see you were being controlled. So you got into it and probably you also started doing the same. Because You see both of you are controlling. People attract their equal. And the day you accept I attract who I am, it's the day you become better. Because now that is when you begin the journey of knowing yourself. Who am I? Do I complain a lot? What do I take? What do I not take? Am I sympathetic to the other? Am I compassionate to the other person? We have that problem where you feel like you're the one who's supposed to save a man or you're the one who's supposed to teach a man how to be a man. No, you can't teach anyone as a matter of fact. They have to be willing to be this person. So when you accept you attract your equal, you start asking yourself, what do I give? Do I give, do I set boundaries? Because if you don't set boundaries, then it's not going to affect you. And the intention of the relationship. You see if the intention of the relationship is to look like you have a very tall, nice-looking guy. That's all you're going to get. And that's the problem. That's where it begins. Yeah, that's where it begins. So you have to identify your intention. And when you see the red flag, don't give it more room. Just walk away from it. We have to learn that it is a process of getting to know someone. Nakama, the things that are important to you are not important to them. Normalize walking away. For no other reason, because I went through a separation, I think people should listen to me. Because you are more caring. Don't get into it and say, it's a change to know. It actually gets worse. You need to understand who you are. You need to go about living your life and doing your business. And I usually say if I had, because I got a live proposal on TV, what if I had said no? But I didn't have the, even just the ball. The courage to ask the same thing. No. So does that mean like you felt like you were not really ready but because it's in public and you probably would not want to embarrass someone, you just felt, let me just say yes. But you see, if you think about it, public proposals are a form of control. Yeah. Because you know, you are still allowed to say no. You see, if it was Dina, the two of you, and there's someone there, I don't feel like. Exactly. But if you're still willing, you can go to a couple of more places. But you see, in the public, it's like, you have to say yes. Everyone. So now what do you do? I had a, there's a celebrity, I'm not going to mention their name. They proposed to their girlfriend in public and she didn't even say yes at the time. It was on, I think, a dinner set up. She didn't say yes, but she found out on social media that the guy posted and said she said yes. It's cute. So you have not turning back because we should have said no, we said yes. Yes. And then you have cheerleaders because marriage is really celebrated in our culture. So when your auntie and your mum will be like, Anakan, come on in Tumzuri, but excuse me, Ruan was going to live with you. For sure. And even, probably you yourself, because I believe women we usually know. May I tell women, just trust you in spirit. So we do it, we do it, will you? Yes, will you? And when you're not ready for a relationship, there is a reason. Everything in your radar is communicating to you and telling you. Yes, telling you you're not ready. The body even tells you what you should eat, like it really tells you. I'm thirsty. I have KFC, but I don't have KFC. You know, but the body communicates with us. Anyway, your last words as we wind up? Wow. Toxic culture relationships. Please let's purpose to live. Your life is more important than the relationship. Yeah, so people getting stuck in relationships, I know people who are like, but they are just things, right? You can actually begin your life again. You can just live your life in a way that works for you. God made you full, whole, right? So there are areas of course you need to grow in, but ultimately you stand enough the way you are. Everything else that comes into your life should actually be to elevate the space that you're in. And if you're not getting it, just focus on what is working. Don't force relationships. Stop forcing, stop running after them. Stop saying, now I'm ready for marriage. I know I'll meet a man. Stop doing those things. Focus on living your life, doing things you enjoy, saving up for your own travel, working hard, putting yourself in spaces that work for you, developing yourself. Focus on your growth. And then everything else will align. All right, Liz. I think for me, I'm the youngest in this. So I am just basically here learning because I have no business getting married at 23. But anyway, I think for myself, the most important thing or where I go short of is sometimes I see someone and I'm so obsessed with them and then I forget myself. But now I feel I should focus on myself, focus on traveling, seeing the world, focus on discovering myself. And then now when I am ready, then now, I can be in a space where I can accommodate someone else. And I feel for other young girls, it should be the case. All right, personally, I feel like, like I mentioned, you attract your equal. I'm sorry, maybe you're in such a toxic relationship and you feel like, no, my husband is the bad one. No, eh? Yeah, very well. Lights on, at a way, way. Because there's a reason I swear those things are happening. Are you attracting those things? They call it law of attraction. First of all, you could be out there thinking, oh, my husband is cheating, oh, my wife is cheating on me. Let me tell you, law of attraction, you might not understand it if you don't, but it works. What you think about is what you're gonna attract. But again, know yourself even better. Ask yourself, my husband is doing this. Why? Is this something that I'm doing? And I'm not saying that it's not what you're doing, it's not what you're saying. Question your character. Question your traits. Be very honest. Does your spouse appreciate what you do? Be very honest with yourself. And the day you are honest, by the way, you're going to solve some of these toxic traits. But again, I'm saying, there are also people who are quite toxic, and those ones should be left. Because you mentioned behind the camera that it lowers your shelf life. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it lowers your shelf life. You die early, that is your life. Yeah, because you're emotional, when you're not emotionally and mentally proper, your body gets that communication. So it shows off in your body. And nowadays it's starting very young. It is. Yeah, even people as young as 15, you have to be in a condition of flania. Yeah, and also remember, we're all toxic. Yes. Levels in the auto faulty. Yeah, it's a broken world. In one way or another. Levels in the auto faulty. Levels in the auto faulty are maturity. Emotional maturity. See, you have to respond. Choose your piece. Focus on your life. Take your siesta. Life is good. Life is good for sure. So yeah, guys, make sure you just know yourself. But if you identify these toxic, whatever traits, a lot of them, now you know you have done your best. Walk away. Yeah. All right, guys, let us know down on the comment section, what are your thoughts about this conversation of a toxic relationship culture? Have we accepted it? Have we not? Make sure to leave a comment down below. Thank you so much for watching, friends. Bye. Until next time, see you.