 our two-stick director of the one-minute play festival. Tonight you are going to see almost 100 brand new one-minute plays written by 50 Baltimore playwrights staged by 10 amazing directors and performed by a company of over 50 actors and community members. Though we are based in New York, I actually grew up here in the area, so it's like a cool point for me. We partner with playwright and community-specific theaters all around the country. This season we are engaged with 22 national partnerships. We engage writers living in those communities. We tell them sort of how to approach the form. We do not tell them what to write about. We look at the emerging themes and ideas and trends that come up in the work. And we use this as sort of a spectrum to see where we are right now. This is our way of artistically saying there's a hundred pulses of storytelling that might speak to where we are as a community right now. We are here for a second year partnering with the amazing EMP artistic director of EMP. You're in our space right now. We are able to use art space. So we produce theater. We do gallery shows. We do music. We make films. We do all kinds of amazing things in this space. I was really excited to partner with one-minute play festival again to bring the weird dynamic sometimes confusing and bizarre Baltimore theater scene into one room. So you're going to see representatives from many of the small theater companies in the room. A lot of us have actually recently bandied together to share resources and you know members and share our energy in bolstering the local theater community here. We're actually hosting a party after the Payway Camp performance of flu season at single carrot on the 12th. I also want to pimp an ex theater who has a run of the golden spike at the chicken box which is in station north. Sit back, relax. I have a few to see you after the show. Have a beer and be open. Thank you so much. One more thing we are streaming live on the internet. So hello people watching online. There's probably twice as many people watching online as we are in the house tonight. We're streaming via our partners at howround.com. You can find the archive of tonight's performance after the show at howround.td or livestream.com slash newplay and you can find us on Twitter and in Facebook and in the ether with the hashtags one MPF and the hashtags newplay and this performance will live online as an archive of what we accomplish as a community together. Again thank you so much for being here and now the second ball to our moment at play festival. The bolst local desk. No, you're still calling in the redskins. Oh I'm sorry. Oh my god Steven, she's back from full tour. We thought we lost you. How come you didn't get the story? Yeah I got you there. At first I just sort of wandered. You see eventually I came across a young white man with tattoos on his neck and forearms. I figured he was some sort of hipster transplant so I asked him to show me the up-and-coming neighborhoods but when he started to speak I realized he wasn't a hipster at all. He lives in the city his whole life. Good god in heaven. Did you at least know the Lord yesterday? No that kid and his buddies took me all over the city. I told you gritty and authentic and wear your references to the wire. There are any orders from you old man. You have failed me for the last for both champions. Fucking crushing it on Sunday. Flacko Mac, I hear about that fire. Very people homeless. Where's that? I hear you spoke more. Huh. Not chose? You bet. You know I've been thinking a lot about dying lately. I've just been driving up and down 83 twice a day listening to the traffic reports and I've got my hands on the wheel and I'm just staying in your lane watching these asshole hot rods and even like we're in some fucking video game and I'm looking at the trees on either side of the highway. Just going from green to gold to black. Branches just kind of naked and the style gray. And I get to thinking about the leaves rotting. Lean smell. And I right past my cul-de-sacs I'm still thinking about the leaves. And sometimes I think I just rather... Burns. Yes. What? Did you just call cultured you are? Or about your great food? Yeah, but it's just- Six thousand years now our people have been enslaved, persecuted, murdered, kicked out of our homes and temples, chased out of our jobs. Because of each other? Chainsets too. For lunch? What did you order? It was so good I made you an award. You shut up. It's wonderful. It's wonderful. Each fudge dipped handcrafted, burgy cookies, can try to escape late. We'll eventually be in restaurants and we can try to escape. I'll ask me, Susan, when do we have any pigs? I said okay, Carl. I had to feed them from the start and I do- And I feed the chickens. I got rid of the Susan so we didn't have eggs. The animals? Mama says maybe one day I'll be even bigger than Susan will. Mom, how Alfred likes me. It's the last time I've seen you. Said I told why. You'll vote, yay. Out of which is also in accordance with yours. Yay. Which means we can all finally agree upon a thing. We can let the people know we will be ordering lunch from Sam's Deli. Then the seasoning, testing inside the digestive tract, the porcelain bowl. It's the circle of crap. Yeah, boy. Mom found your ball. Party night. Pajama party? We should talk. I fly. Dad, you're gonna smoke? Where? Now's the time for hell. Step Mr. French's puke on my way to the bathroom. I know they're not flashy like hummingbirds or orioles. Peel the hairball off the bottom of my foot the size of a kumquat. With those little yellow spectacles and a matching white vest. And just as juicy. How cute is that? Scrape some crusty oatmeal out of a pan of the sink. I had a pot of rill grade going and a couple of juicy kumquats on my balcony and sunrise. And managed to twist my ankle while running to miss my bus. Then rode my bike to work under a helper. How perfect is that? Shave closer. Keep your skin healthier with these 20 tips for urban metro sensuals. I think you mean metro sexual. Sensual, sensible, and safe. Enter code pussymonster at checkout to claim your free iPhone. Okay, thanks. Got two of them. I'm writing in regard to the barista position you advertise at the barista. 23 cents position for my growing baristas. The 25 greatest beyond seats who have ever lived. Dude, no babies can do. 21 babies leaves to the team reptiles. When? Fuck you. You cannot do this. A week ago, even though Kate, we made it up you've got to be shitting me. We had this conversation on the nature of the political system, how certain apes set up to govern themselves. Really, that sounds kind of cool. Really, sorry. I kind of have to go right now, but it was nice meeting you again, I guess. Sure, whatever. Say hi to Keith for me. Yeah, I thought Keith was a bitch. Get on your dreams and will not rise again. The tax collection is on Tuesday and the recycling comes on Wednesday. Always had to remind you. These cookies, my fortunes are all fucked up. Along with these, try one yourself. They're all the poosal, poosal, the sna, sna, sna. It's a thing, they take naps in the middle of the day. I mean, such a thing. Slow death, go! I've been the number of lemons. I tried that, it's broke. Just hit two. You have to put the lemons in the bag, the bagging area. Yeah. Who asked you? Just trying to help. The scanner wants you to bag everything. Error, stay attended for assistance. A freaking job here. I'm the human being who used to run the chair. The sun that adopt mint, the base contagious clouds. The smother up his beauty from the world. And to be himself, being wanted, he made me want- Nobody did. Is it supposed to snow? Freezing rain. There's no going away. The empty and cold the chair is. You can't change that. Forget about it. It can't be helped. I want to die. You said it. I'm taking sure of it. Leave it! I'm the skinny friend and you're that one. We'll just have to tell the truth. But you can't do that to a friend. Maybe after- at the bar. Many, many years later, we made an invention, huh? Let's leave! You can text her and tell her I got sick. She'll know we hate it for sure, then. Slap her. There, and I get to see you up there, all on that stage, right before my very eyes. And I can see you and all the other actors and directors. And you're all just working- working so hard and rehearsing and rehearsing. And I get to see all of it, you know? That means so much coming through. They need to take your seats so that we can begin. I'll work for you. Oh, I've listened. I've caught a number of bunny boogers this way. You've caught them now. You want to see it. You remember Angela? Well, yeah, the rule of the dog. Oh, yeah. She and you raised major melons. Caught her that way. I said, I like your face. Is it fake? Fake, she was actually a store fixture. It's strongly about what we've been developing together. And I know things aren't always easy. But I want to be here for as long as possible. And I'll do whatever it takes to make that happen for us. And then, I don't know exactly what you're talking about. But I think what you're talking about... Did you know that Pumash or Anna Kim's helmet? Peanut shells are just what we're trying to eat. Definitely. We want to throw some of our poop. What about this? I'm with Patricia now. Is everything all right, Tim? Everything's okay. It's like, I said, she's even listened to me. Frank, stop. She doesn't. She doesn't listen to me. It's like, I'll be talking about something- Frank, Frank, stop this. This is pissing me off. It's something I really like. Frank, we broke up three months ago. Frank! Don't call again. Sorry. Well, you went just- because it's still broadcasting. Just remember, just be sure that what you're saying is actually being broadcast in the world. There's some time out what you're doing with- Yeah, it's dead. Who else would I be trying to convince besides you? Maybe another playtime? I don't know. I don't know what any of these feelings are inside or out. So I don't- the language for liking them doesn't work on- on that scale. Rather. Rather? What's wrong with rather? But then you're too smart for that, aren't you? I guess I just think the rules are there for a reason. Listen, Amy. Does it really hurt as much as people say you could tell me? We. They said your kind can get married as long as you behave, just like us. There are over a- Couples. Let's straw straws. The two longest get to file a joint. Lord knows that's why I'm marching the pride parade. Two of us need to get married. Insurance. Hospital visitations. Power of attorney. Inheritance. That's not the way you are. We are three. The one you two get married, and then you adopt me. Really? Are you still up at the top? If you wanted to hear that, Willis. It was you. The dishes. Girls. To clean up my- Willis, it'll be impossible to keep out. Squirrels need to eat too. Like we find a squirrel theater then. Bird theaters are for birds. But in this country, if you dream anything hard enough, you may be found what you dream. You are so stupid. Are the doors locked? You got to look. I think I have some change in the console quarters. Maybe a dime? You grab some? No! We'll use it to buy drugs. Hey, come on, Joe. What if that was you out in the cold? A functioning member of society. He is not. Oh, no. It's just a derelict. A filthy bonza. Hostage. With someone else's hands. Inspiration. Goddamn, oh my goodness. These worlds are going to bring rats. Are you ever planning on coming back here? From rat disconversion. Eat each other. Nobody wants to see that. Just can't see it. It's all shit. There's too much shit. Of shit. A cornucopia. This is shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Clearly, she's eating a crate. And I'm no fool. I'm shabby. She held her leadiva. Watch her pet rock. All together, we shall remove ourselves from the iconically oversized show. The mattress pad will make the perfect talking English muffin for my gluten sensitivity awareness play. Do you remember me to the T-Batteries? It's a small, upstart warehouse T-House and queer nightclub speakeasy venue for my big cashew exchange library massage room. And I'm going to be sacred. They appreciate every first street and swirling popcorn for day school and tower. Blackest play, number 37727. Me like. All right, when you get back from St. Petersburg. Yes, she died of tragic, really. Very tragic. So here's the thing. It's my job to tell you, she left you a great deal of money. But there's a bit of an issue because she was a bit of a, I'm kidding. We just need blood for DNA. Let's do the stool thing in there to make the blood thing seem easier. Funny how it's easier for us to do blood than shit. The millennial has fallen 46, because I have to wait life. Because the students love that in my company, my fish sticks. So I had to go upstairs and have lunch. No. Bust. Try again. Bust. Bust. A ginger snap. Think you're right there. You're just fine. Yes, I am just fine. Nothing's zero and everything's fine. Everything's fine because nothing's changed. It's lying, I'm fine. It's mine. I'm fine with it. Let me talk to mom and dad. Yeah, I'm not. You're just a pretty boy and a looter. See, I know what she wants. What she likes. Well, she may like you, but she loves me. I get treated the best. Bullsh! Here she comes. I'm certainly jealous that she does actually look cute in everything. I look at my body and I see a potato on sticks. So I put her down because I know she genuinely feels cute in that outfit. Looks slutty. I secretly have $4,415 in debt from an American Express Delta Sky Miles credit card from spending too much on clothes. I hate it when she calls me slutty though. I judge her for it, but I'm not gonna like stand up for myself or anything. She dies. Sorry. Actually, I do wish I was a- Do us make a call. You won't. Don't be so sure. You won't. Go on. No. You're better off. And yourself too while you're at it. Sue to kill for. I've got to take out a freak. And the school. Teachers. The teachers are tough. Like a million mothers. In the wrong direction. What are you talking about, man? What are you talking about? My dad's car. You just totally get it. Once I go through theater, harbor, and die there. You don't think? You got burgers. Jesus, the only place in the world. You eat too many. You can go to the nationally renowned John Topfies. North Avenue, we're leaving Street 5. What do you say? You're going to move here? I've seen deer raising in the front yard. I call for- Mr. Brown just sit on the front porch and sit his coffee in the afternoon. He had the best Christmas decorations. A legible snowman in the gigantic Santa that popped out of the chimney. The rest of us just put candles in our windows. Joe Lawford can say hi to me. Well, they were just such a rush to take it over. What's the bank going to do with the dance? I told that the fellow pup found enough right to knock him down. Of history. Because I don't want to repeat it. Petino, Jeffrey Tambo, Craig P. Nelson, bunch of people. Did you call it overrated? It's just a little too on point, you know, and David. And that was speed to begin. Shit goes straight to- Oh, I didn't go to high school. I was homeschooled. My parents were very strict. No movies. No TV. No, no, I have not. What do you want to see?