 Hello Psych2Go viewers, this is Michelle Rivas and I'm the host of Psychology Roundtable. Today we're going to be discussing how to deal with toxic people and relationships during the holiday season because let's be real, we've all been through it and it sucks. Today we have clinical psychologist Dr. Indutri Rajan to give us some great tips and advice on how to manage it and also to answer your viewer questions about everything and anything. Welcome Dr. Rajan, thank you so much for joining us today. Oh it's my pleasure to be here, I'm happy to be here, hi everyone, I'm glad to answer questions that you may have and I know we're going to have a section of that later, right? Yes, we're going to have our audience segment so I'm really excited for that. Well thanks so much for having me. Absolutely, you were actually one of our keynote speakers at the Barnes & Noble event and fundraiser and that was amazing and we really appreciate you coming out to do that and so I'm really excited so I just wanted to start off, can you tell us a little bit about yourself and your background? Yeah, so I'm a clinical psychologist and relationship coach. I've been working with people who want to improve their relationship with themselves and have just kind of be happier and live better lives and you know do the things that they do but in a more happy and real way. I work with singles who are looking forward to meeting people that they want to have relationships with and perhaps even you know get married, you know find their soulmate, the one that they feel meant to be with. I work with couples, I work with individuals who are struggling in terms of family relationships, I work with people who are married, who are engaged and also people who are just struggling like with depression or anxiety or you know different mental health issues. That's amazing and the work you do is really helping people because we all know that we need mental health professionals in this space so thank you so much. Oh it's my pleasure, it's my pleasure to be here. So it's Thanksgiving week and it's the beginning of the holiday season and we all know the narrative, the holidays are supposed to be cheerful and joyful but the truth is many people feel extremely stressed and anxious during the holidays and toxic relationships are usually the root cause for this so let's just dive right in. Dr. Rajan, how do toxic people essentially hijack the holidays and make it dreadful for those around them? So when we talk about somebody who's got, who's toxic emotionally right, we're talking about probably people who might have a negative perspective, who might not have the best boundaries, who might maybe lash out and say things that are uncomfortable that kind of put people back on their heels like when they're uncomfortable so they make you uncomfortable. So pretty soon what ends up happening is we react and I want to talk a little bit about the difference between responding and reacting because that makes a big difference in terms of communication and how we deal with our emotions and also want to talk about awareness and boundaries right so toxic people hijack the holidays why because they kind of spew whatever they spew right they're they don't really they're not mindful of boundaries they're not mindful of how their behavior or their way of being might impact people and then pretty soon you're left with the stuff of like wow I feel like crap now you know. And in some cases it could be like you're dealing with a narcissist who likes attention. Sure well everybody I mean the thing that's important to realize is that all everybody is at some level or another self-conscious and self-absorbed right yeah we all have our issues we all have our wounds we know we're all human right so certainly if somebody has a certain kind of way of behaving that makes you like whoa you know you might have a stronger response to some ways of being than other people and you might be okay with dealing with other things where other people may not. And in your opinion just from like your experience working with clients do you think that the holidays makes toxic people more toxic or do you think like how do you feel about that narrative? Well the holidays are loaded right here's the thing I mean people have everybody has a story about the holidays either it it has to do with this embarrassing relative or it has to do with the the stress of cooking and having everybody over it has to do with oh man you know my parents are always this way or my husband's always this way so all of us have a story about the holidays and we also all have expectations for the holidays I'm tired it's the end of the year I want to relax or oh I really want to get all my Christmas shopping done by a certain time so I can enjoy the holidays or oh my god the holidays are coming I hate the holidays so we all have feelings and expectations around the holidays we all have you know stories about the holidays so what is so this I think means that we are more vulnerable during the holidays to either you know get you know get into a place where we're reacting and then pretty soon we're not really feeling good about the choices that we're making or we're not feeling good about how we're we're treating people or how we're being treated and we also our expectations can set the tone for how things go right if you have negative expectations you're probably gonna you know there's going to be some aspect of self-fulfilling prophecy there maybe right because we're focusing on that but that doesn't mean that that can't be the only expectation or the only frame frame that you have that's true yeah having a positive outlook but I think that a lot of people like they've dealt with toxic people the same toxic people during every holiday season and you know to that point I just want to know how do you deal with like passive aggressive comments or questions at the holiday table for example maybe a rude comment about how your pumpkin pie isn't sweet or creamy enough like something like that so you want to before you leave for the holidays I think it's helpful a lot of people are avoidant but I think it's helpful to kind of sit and think a little bit about okay who's going to be there right yeah that's and and do I feel free yeah just kind of a front load I call it front loading where you're instead of avoiding you're going to just spend a few minutes and think about okay who am I going to encounter right do I do I like this person do I feel comfortable what are they usually like so you're previewing a little bit about what you're likely to encounter right so then as you do that what you also want to do is have your response that you're also kind of front loading that you're thinking about ahead of time so if somebody tends to be critical oh you know I don't like this pie or oh that's a nice dress or they give you left-handed compliments let's say like oh that's a nice dress somebody your size looks better in dresses like that where you kind of feel like there's a little insult wrapped up in a compliment sort of a thing you need to have boundaries around what you're going to do right because you don't it's it's a happiness is a choice so that means peace during the holidays is a choice too that means you get to be happy at Christmas it doesn't matter who's around you get to be happy at Thanksgiving no matter who's around because you get to decide what you're going to take in and what you're not so when somebody comes out with being critical remind yourself oh yeah so and so it can be kind of critical but you know what I'm just going to um I just I'm deciding now that I'm going to switch the subject or I'm deciding now that I'm just going to smile and and remind myself of what the truth is right so it's like a matter of like mentally preparing yourself managing your expectations and like knowing what you're going into essentially that's definitely I think a lot of it is part of it because what we have to do when we think about uncomfortable circumstances you have to focus on what you can't control and focus on what you can what can you control you can control your attitude you can control whether you're making you know what choices you're making in terms of being spending time with someone I'm only going to spend this much time and then I'm going to somebody else's house or I'm going to you know have somebody uh I'm going to have a book with me so that I know that people kind of the kids play in a certain room and I'm going to maybe go and read a little bit you know when there's other stuff going on you have choices you have choices so you can control your attitude you can control your expectations and you can control the boundaries that you put up so yeah and then the other things you can't control are how people respond to you or other people's feelings and behaviors and usually if someone feels the need to put you down it's because they're having like a problem with themselves right because you're going to choose the Thanksgiving dinner table to shame someone you obviously have issues with yourself and I think that's important for people to remember that person clearly isn't happy with themselves or projecting and that goes back to front loading right so if you if you are thinking it's good this is another way it's useful reason why it's useful to think a little bit ahead of time of what do we usually do for the holidays who usually shows up how do I feel about this person and yeah you know what what about that criticism thing is it really true that my cooking is bad is it really true that I'm not a fun person I mean whatever it is you feel criticized about give yourself a chance to think about it remind yourself of what's true you know what I'm yeah my cooking isn't for everyone but I like my cooking so when so and so gives you a criticism like that consider is it really about me or it might might it be about them it might be about them because what did I say at the beginning most people are self-conscious most people are self-absorbed right so yeah and so you know going you know just uh segue into this point when should someone decline and invite to a family gathering a reunion if they know the situation is too volatile well I mean I would certainly I I think of it in terms of of you know safe emotional and physical safety I think that's the biggest thing like if you feel like let's say that there's an abusive dynamic in your family or let's say that there's a volatility then I would I would make it very clear okay I'm what what is comfortable for me you know is it comfortable for me to stay for dinner is that too too much is it maybe more comfortable for me to stop by in the beginning you know and and say hello and maybe drop off a card and flowers or something and then leave is it is it more comfortable for comfortable for me to come by the day after Thanksgiving so think of it in terms of how my best going to keep myself safe emotionally and physically and also it's fine to be to if there are certain personalities or certain people that really really make things worse really quickly and and put you in a vulnerable place it's okay to be clear about you know whoever's hosting the dinner you know I'm I am doing I'm I'm gonna show up at this time I'm I'm gonna show up this way and I or you know because it's better for me or you know I'm really not wanting to deal with so-and-so do you know when they're coming and I'll just I'm gonna adjust when I show up you know based on that you know kind of like a compromise because you shouldn't force yourself if you know it's gonna be a toxic situation you shouldn't force yourself through a whole dinner right it's kind of like a compromise I'll come for you know dinner and leave before dessert I love that yeah it's like yeah and compromise and and just being able to the other thing that I think a lot of times we forget when we're with family is we think we owe big long explanations and you don't yes you don't owe anybody an explanation people are people and and again you know people may want to know they may try to force you or pressure you but that's not something you owe anyone you don't have to do that you don't owe anyone an explanation because the holidays are for you as well I think that sometimes people feel like they have to make other people happy during the holidays it's about family no it's the holidays and it can be whatever you want and you need to be kind to yourself absolutely and and you don't have to you can what I also think is important is when you have a hard time talking to family and family tends to guilt you or put or shame you or put pressure on you uh you know oh are you gonna show up oh there you go again you're not gonna show up be have a short statement of what you're gonna say and be a broken record about it you know actually you know I'm doing something a little different this year for the holidays I'm spending a little bit of time with multiple people so that's just what I'm choosing to do you can it can be a very general explanation and and you can you know you can also deflect and allow people to sit with their own emotions if someone starts if you start to guilt trip if you somebody starts to guilt trip you you can just say you know what I can see that it's really important to you that I that I'm here today and that's why I'm really happy to be here in the morning but unfortunately my schedule you know it doesn't allow me to stay late right so you can acknowledge what they're feeling you can put it back to them and you're not going to internalize that guilt because that's about them it's not about you definitely and I think I was going to ask so I know that there are people during the holidays that feel like maybe their family's too toxic and they want to step away um just like how can we encourage people to not feel guilty about maybe spending the holidays alone because there's nothing wrong with that it's actually a great opportunity to practice self care you know you can treat yourself there's nothing wrong with you know being alone during the holidays but there is that stigma like well why don't you have family why don't you have anyone to hang out with and I don't think anyone should feel bad about that and you don't owe anyone an explanation so how can we you know destigmatize maybe spending the holidays by yourself if need be right well I mean the thing is we again like remember I said before we all have a story about the holidays and those stories can even come from movies that we've watched or songs or or the this the way that we think Christmas has to be in order for it to be a good Christmas or the way that so-and-so says it has to be for it to be a good Thanksgiving the truth is you get to decide what what makes you happy and there's nothing wrong with that at all I mean so for some people it's a relief to be alone and they don't think they have a choice because oh god we have to pack up the car we have to do because this is what has always been done but remember you get you get to choose what makes you happy and happiness is a choice you get to create your own story of the holidays right maybe it might be a good exercise you know buy yourself a Christmas card honor the fact yeah and in that Christmas card write down what you love about the holidays write down what makes you happy so that you're staying present to yourself from a place of love not from a place of guilt or shame and that will I think restore some of the joy of the season because it's a cool season it's fun no matter what you do there's lots of ways to have fun on your own too yeah and I was thinking it's funny because there's this like I had mentioned the stigma about spending the holidays alone like it's weird and I actually was thinking about it I've spent the like you know different holidays by myself before and sometimes it can be more fun because you can watch any Christmas movie you want to watch listen to your songs eat your food there's a beauty and just taking care of yourself sometimes and being on your own like there's a balance I know I should ever make you feel bad about that and so you know miss fish one of our viewers just mentioned I'll be spending it alone for the first time this year and I'm actually looking forward to it yes like it's a good because you might and the thing is too I think people feel locked in by traditions right yes or rituals like oh my gosh you know I hate the fact that you know I don't know why we have to do this people grumble a lot because they're not being they're not actively seeking out what makes them happy they're falling in line with whatever the way that things have always been or this is the way this so you know what might be fun I think it's fun to you know ask yourself what what are some traditions that would be fun for me like if I if I had just found out about this holiday called Christmas and I didn't know what it was supposed to look like or I didn't know what kind of things people are supposed to do or same thing with Thanksgiving what would be fun like how well how would I like to express thanks to me to the world to to my friends to my family who to whom would I like to express thanks I love that like knowing to prioritize yourself to an extent it doesn't just have to be all about you if you don't want it to be but make sure I think it's essential to prioritize what you like as well because if you're just trying to make everyone else happy it's going to hurt you and I think that's you know key just knowing when to step back and take care of yourself and listen to yourself and what you like doing as well which I think a lot of parents sometimes forget to do yeah exactly it can be because if you have a if you have a small child or if you have you know if you're like the cook that everybody relies on it can get it gets so easy especially if you're a nurturer right what do you do you put everybody else's needs first and then you know you're going to collapse on the couch at some point but did you get to experience gratitude for all the work that you did did you get did you feel loved by it and if you did great if you answer yes to those questions that's great but what I think when we talk about loneliness we talk about appreciation we talk about you know gratitude what leaves a big hole in people's hearts is when they forget themselves right yes you're not connecting with yourself in a meaningful way around Thanksgiving around Christmas around just even right just regular days like if you have little children or if you're cooking or you know you're being pulled in all these different directions you know if you don't connect in a meaningful way with yourself that makes the loneliness worse there that's so bad that's a really deep loneliness that develops that makes that feeling of being taken for granted worse that makes right so we need to be filling our own cup first and they you know you might develop feelings of worthlessness and that's not okay you always have to like appreciate yourself be kind to yourself and people often forget that especially empaths a lot of empaths you see they're trying to make everyone else happy they're listening to everyone else but they're forgetting about themselves and you shouldn't because you know we're all deserving of love and someone to listen to us and we're all deserving of a friend absolutely and and I mean that this is I think that the sea you know that there's so much a dread when I see clients during this time of year there's depression there's anxiety there's dread there's already this expectation of loneliness but you know I just want to encourage you little things can make such a big difference and you know before you settle into those stories because I'll tell you something they're stories they're not necessarily true they don't have to be before you decide okay this is the story that I'm going to focus on ask yourself what kind of a story would you like to tell about your holiday season what kind of a story would you like to tell what would you like to be true for you and and and check in with yourself first about those responses right no definitely and I mean I think that it's just a matter of it's interesting because the holidays there is this narrative that it's supposed to be joyful and peaceful but if you're forgetting about your own needs it's never going to be you know yeah and I think I mean simple things like what I like to do I'll give you a simple ritual that I like to do on Thanksgiving is I like to have you know either on day on on years that I have more time I like to get those little mini trees you know and I like to hang on the little mini tree what are the things I'm grateful for about myself so if I take like a whole punch or whatever and I get or I get index cards and do a little whole punch you know little squares of index cards or you can do it however you want to I'm going to write down maybe a quality that I have that I like or I'm going to write down I'm going to write down a little thing that I did that I'm proud of right and I'm going to hang them on my little tree so I can keep it up and that's that can be a cool gratitude ritual for yourself get a Thanksgiving card and write down I am grateful for myself why am I grateful for myself and write down all of the things that are wonderfully you um so that you're feeling your cup you know before you go and and do whatever it is you're doing for the holidays I love that idea and I think that is amazing because we have to practice gratitude and self love and so with that being said that brings us to our audience segment where we answer your viewer questions with the help of our amazing experts but before we get into that I will I really wanted to encourage everyone to subscribe to our new channel Pod to Go it's in the description and I also put a link in the chat it's exclusive interviews and content from other amazing experts and guests in the field of psychology and mental health and so just please give that a like and you know hope to see a lot of you there and so now that we're going into the audience segment let's go into the first question are you ready Dr. Rajan I am ready let's do it okay so the net the first question is from Marissa she asked hello Dr. Rajan I was just wondering um usually during the holidays my mother-in-law has this habit of fat shaming me she makes comments about my weight and it's really embarrassing last Thanksgiving she made a comment that I looked like I had gained 10 pounds and everyone was laughing and I just don't know what to do I'm dreading Thanksgiving this year what do I do if she weight shames me in front of everyone again that's a difficult difficult thing and I'm you know I'm going to share with you Marissa I mean I think we all go through things that are difficult and you know we're in a process in life right we're all working on something or the other we all feel bad about ourselves about something or the other so give yourself some grace first of all take a breath give yourself some grace and understand that this person who intimidates you and shames you she's probably coming from a place where she's not happy with herself either people who tend to lead with criticism or lead with judgment there that's their lens that's how they see the world so it's I'm just going to encourage you Marissa it's not just you okay she sees that way I'm guessing she sees herself that way I'm guessing she sees the world that way which is an unfortunate way to live that's one thing is I want to remind you of the context um the other thing is if you are doing things for yourself I mean clearly you're conscious that you are not happy about your weight it seems to me from what your comment perhaps or maybe you're working on being a healthier version of yourself you can feel good about that you get to feel good about that and nobody can take that away from you so she if she says something that's mean in front of other people you can you can just smile and say actually I'm feeling better because these are the things because because I'm I'm eating better I'm making better choices so I'm feeling better or actually I've lost a little bit of weight and I'm feeling good about my body or you don't even have to qualify it you can say you know what I'm actually happy I feel good about where I am right now and what that does is it immediately takes that pressure off of you and it puts her negative energy back in the space it's your way of saying nope that's not mine I'm not really taking that in because I know that it's not true about me and I'm I know the path that I'm on so if she if that's her negativity you can let her have it you don't have to hold it that's a great strategy it's kind of like throwing self love back at them like no actually I think I look great and I've lost weight yeah I love that that's definitely true and I'm sorry Marissa that's very abusive and if you can maybe stay away from your mother I know it's hard because how do you stay away from people who like your mother-in-law your mom your grandmother it's hard because those are people who are kind of like immediate family but if you can stay away from them to an extent I would and having the you can have internal boundaries I mean I think one of the things that really helps when you're in the same house with people that you're like oh god it's going to be a little stressful breathe first of all remember your breath when some if the if you know if there's something that like that where it's okay I love my grandma I know that that you know my grandma loves me but she just doesn't have a good way of saying stuff you know and I I I'm just going to stay with the fact that she loves me but you know I'm just going to let it go because I know that she just doesn't have a good way of saying things sometimes the things she says can be hurtful so that way you're framing it for yourself internally you know and remember what I said we're not reacting we're responding so instead of reacting to the negative grandma the negative mother-in-law we're responding from inside okay here's that negativity that I know I know that that's the case so I'm going to go grab myself something to drink I'm going to go you know see if somebody else needs help in the kitchen or something like that that's also a useful thing a deflection like if you're in the house decide ahead of time you know what when things get uncomfortable for me I'm giving myself permission to go to the bathroom or if things get uncomfortable for me I'm giving myself permission to ask if they need help in the kitchen or I'm going to give myself permission to go to my car and you know maybe I'm just going to tell everybody oh I need to check something in my car and I'm going to hang out my car for a few minutes yeah yeah time out you know definitely like if you need to step out for a little bit that doesn't make you that doesn't mean that you're doing anything wrong like you just need a moment to yourself and if someone shames you for that so be it but if you need a moment take a moment that's self-care absolutely yeah and then Joanne asked Dr. Rajan me and my husband usually have a good relationship but during the holidays he has this habit of criticizing my cooking in a passive aggressive way in front of family members and I really don't appreciate it I've cried about this in private many times how do I address this to him I don't like the comments and they're not funny to me oh I'm sorry Joanne well Joanne that sounds so painful and have you addressed now this is your her husband yeah her husband so have you addressed this directly with your husband before is what I'm wondering um if if you haven't what I would decide what I would do is I would take him aside and I wouldn't I wouldn't do it the day of Thanksgiving I would maybe do it a couple of days before and I would let him know you know when you do this this really hurts my feelings and I need you to understand that that you know it it also embarrasses me because it's in front of everyone so could you please not do this you know I would put up a boundary and I would be very clear in talking to him first about it if he decides if he goes goes ahead and does it anyway then I would I would take you know I would maybe that maybe there's something that you want to say back in response so that he knows that you're not going to just take whatever he says in front of everyone maybe maybe you could say something simple like oh I'm sorry that you didn't like that you know um that's too bad hopefully you have something else here that you like or you know or oh you know what I was trying something new and I I like it or you don't even like I said you don't even have to make a you know make a justification oh you know what I kind of like my gravy you don't like my gravy huh all right well less less for you then I like you know you can have you can kind of deflect with with a little bit of humor as well I know that it's hard when you're put on the spot like that and go ahead sorry go ahead the longer term fix would be to directly have a conversation about it to to try to address it so that there is an intervention um so that that you're minimizing the chance you first of all you want to make sure you've been heard secondly you want to work with your partner on a better choice that would be a benefit to both of you I'm happy to hear about you know what you want to say about my cooking but not in front of people yeah and Joanna you know we're talking me and Dr. Jean we're talking about boundaries earlier and if you have to pull your husband aside and say hey well maybe if you you know if you're going to make comments about my cooking I won't cook this Thanksgiving maybe you can have that boundary like if you embarrass me or if you make rude comments in front of people I'm not going to cook anymore during the holidays because that's a boundary if you're being shamed or embarrassed and it really hurts you you shouldn't feel obligated to cook for him you know absolutely and that's where again it becomes important to and I don't think enough people do this to really take a take a moment and before you commit to doing different things how do I feel about these commitments that I'm making do I feel like cooking do I want to cook do I feel like these these things I'm committing to are they is it realistic for me to do all of these things how would I feel happier here right if we are allowed to take some space for ourselves before we feel like oh my gosh I have to do all of this stuff and it's not going to be as loaded either and absolutely if you know if if he is if this is a regular thing that he continues to do just tell him you know what it makes me feel bad about myself when this happens and so I've decided I'm not cooking this is not something I'm going to be doing anymore so that way he can decide what what you know that that gives him a different set of choices doesn't it for what what who's going to be cooking dinner and how that's going to go I agree Dr. Jean thank you for that and then Nabila Med asked my family puts way too much pressure on me and I'm guessing he means during the holidays what what do I do I've been dealing with depression for a year and then so what do you what would your advice be for a lot of people who go home for the holidays and they feel like their family puts pressure on them well again I'm so sorry Nabil that you're going through this it can be a really difficult thing to feel the stress of that so I'm sorry that that's your experience you know I think that what starts to happen we start to feel empowered when we remember who we are and we remember we remember why we're making the choices that we're making in life right because when people's expectations get to be way too strong then we start to even forget where we stand in it right so for example let's say that your parents are pressuring you to be a doctor and you don't want to be a doctor you know let's say that you want to be a teacher and you made a certain decision to be on a certain study track to be a teacher and not a doctor and now they they kind of take make comments and they put pressure on you you can you you need to first be clear on what brings you joy and what choices you've made for yourself and for your life and then you need to stand by that when and stand stand in advocacy for yourself during those times right so so when someone says oh you know I really wish that you'd reconsider it's like actually you know I'm really happy with my track of studies I'm like I'm looking forward to being a teacher and if they could persist in saying well I I really wish you would do this or that or you're not doing this you're not doing that you can simply say you know I'd rather not talk about it right now I'm in I'm just enjoying the holidays I'm enjoying being here with family can we maybe figure out a time to talk about that or don't want to talk about it you can say you know what I've already made that choice so I don't really see anything to talk about here so depending on where you are with it but it's fine to put up a simple boundary of hey holidays I'm here to have fun let's let's figure out a different way to handle this or let's figure out a different time to talk about it or simply this is not anything I want to talk about right now is that like reminding people it's the holidays we're not going to have I mean the holiday shouldn't be a time for like really serious conversations there's a time and a place I love that well it's about reminding yourself that you always have choices no feeling is inevitable right you feel depressed guess what when you start to notice when you start to observe what is there in your emotional field what you'll find oh there's anxiety but then there's also joy oh there's excitement there's this there's that so you have choices when it comes to feelings but we don't take the time to get present to understand okay I'm getting pulled into somebody else's negativity I'm getting pulled into somebody else's anxiety so somebody's putting pressure on you they're probably either feeling pressured or they have something they're holding on to that's making them anxious and it's not required that you are living in their anxiety with them that is not that's you get a choice your their anxiety your anxiety is not inevitable and neither is theirs anxiety loves company but you don't have to take the advice but they're not getting mine right not going on that train yeah yeah and so then Joel Johnson asked how do I handle this part of the year which is a difficult time for me today is the 14th anniversary of my mom's passing my condolences Joel I'm so so sorry I'm so sorry to hear about that and it's difficult isn't it when we have when we have memories when we especially when we have close relatives that aren't here with us anymore um and we have memories that are painful you know Joel my my clients hear me say this all the time the only way out is through but it doesn't mean that it has to be a protracted journey of pain when you go through something in a case like this where you have twinges of sadness and and and oh man that's it's it's it's going to be intense it's the holidays I the way that I would go into it is I would have a special ritual or a special day where I spend some time talking thinking thinking about my mom remembering all of the things that gave me love that made me feel loved that that made me happy you know thinking about her and then do some maybe maybe do something in her honor maybe you know donate donate five dollars to a charity that you like or maybe you know spend some time if you both of you loved walking on the beach and and both of you loved pie then maybe one of your little rituals for the holiday time is to go on our mom with you know I'm going to walk on the beach with mom today and I'm going to get some pie at this place that we used to love and even write or a letter if a lot of emotion comes up for you write a letter to her you know and maybe that's part of the ritual as well because when we create a ritual space and we create a space of honoring another person we're not going to continue we're containing our sadness we're finding a way to contain our sadness and we're giving attention to something in a way that's structured right so that helps us to emotionally regulate better right so but if we're not doing anything specific then there's that sadness that can just linger and keep going and I'm pretty soon I'm just sad all the time now because I'm thinking about mom all the time so being finding creative and honoring ways to have rituals to honor the folks that we miss that have passed on can be something to help us feel better and elevate our mood during the holidays so that the whole thing doesn't feel that way I agree and I think that you know your loved ones that have passed away for anyone who's in the chat who's dealing with the passing of love and they'd want you to be happy and enjoy the holidays I'm sure so absolutely I mean and that's the other thing is what would my mom want me to be doing right now what would make her happy right what would what would I mean I'm really unhappy that she's not here I'm going to honor her presence but if she were here what would she tell me yes and because sometimes we don't give ourselves permission to have a good time and this can happen at an unconscious level where oh I'm supposed to feel sad because mom's not here I'm supposed to feel sad but but actually you get to be joyful during the holidays you don't always have to be sad you can be happy when you when you remember someone too right the grief is complex it is complex and it's different for everyone so that's right and then the next question is from Chloe she asks how do I deal with feeling like I'm the one doing everything in a family when I have an older sibling who never does anything but then I can never get a break from chores and other things Chloe I'm sure a lot of people can relate to that I think there's always someone during the holidays who has to do everything well hi Chloe thanks for your question I'm sorry that you are obviously feeling burdened with having to do so much I wonder two things one is you know is there an opportunity to have a conversation I'm a big believer in honest and open communication so let's so not knowing who's organizing or who's hosting and you're feeling like you have too much to do I would make it more about what feels comfortable for you rather than trying to be you know feeling in if you have anger or you frustration because you feel like things aren't fair that's a different conversation right I think that at this time what first is important is to be honest about what's comfortable for you to do if you're overextended and you feel like you can't do as much then don't you know put put a different put a different offer out there you know like you know what I thought I could do cooking and cleaning but I'm finding that with all of the other things I have going on I'm only able to do this right so so again reassessing your boundaries being honest about what's what's going to be doable for you or not the other thing is is there anything that you do for the holidays that brings you joy that you do it because you love people you do it why you're getting back in touch with why we make the choices that we do rather than having our eyes on some someone else it's important to bring it back to why do I do these things you know do I have any joy here or do I oh I don't maybe I'm maybe they're not very fun but I love I want to show people that I love them so that's my motivation what is your motivation for doing things because when we forget the fact that oh yeah it was my choice to do this or oh you know actually in some ways it feels good to do this because I care about everybody having a good Thanksgiving that can take that burden of you know off of us in terms of getting embroiled emotionally in something that may or may not be true for us maybe maybe there's other issues here that are being highlighted between you and your sibling that show up at the holidays because the holidays are loaded I mean that could be something else not knowing your history but I would stick with you know what what it what in my boundaries what's real stick for me to do am I feeling resentful because I'm tired or this is that I've over committed or you know and then is there joy in some of what I'm doing connecting back to our reasons for doing what we're doing so that we're not being in a reactive place but we're owning our choices and we're really looking at what motivates me in doing these things and then if there is a deeper issue with your sibling or if there is an issue with I mean if you're under if you're like younger and living at home and you feel like the the the split of work is unfair then maybe that's something to bring up to one of your parents in a way that highlights how you feel but in a way that you know you're not going to throw the other person under the bus you know so I don't know the nature of that deeper issue that might be there with your sibling but then redressing that you know in a way that's more balanced so that you're not reacting about that situation during the holidays so thank you for that doctor and then Delilah asked how do I deal with my sister who likes to flirt with my husband during family reunions I'm dreading it this week wow Delilah I'm sorry I have to go through that yeah it's messy sometimes during the holidays and then we add alcohol to that or whatever and it can get out of hand pretty quickly now I would be curious excuse me Delilah what a beautiful name I would be curious about whether this is an ongoing behavior that like something that you've seen trending over a time or whether this is something that in particular comes up only around your husband or and also I would be curious about whether or not you've had a conversation with her about this before or if it's something that you've just been noticing over time and now you're hitting your limit with it but again I think that again in this situation it's boundaries and communication if you know that this is uncomfortable for you and a source of dread then you've got to lay lay down your you've got to draw your line in the sand and you've got to go to your your sister or your cousin or your or you know I didn't know if I heard that correctly sister her sister yeah that's even more uncomfortable yeah that's even more uncomfortable so I'm always you know I look at things from a couple of different vantage points there's the immediate addressing the immediate problem which is we need to have a hey let's have a talk and this is how this makes me feel and I'd be I'd appreciate it if you'd be if you show more respect yeah if it's happening anyway during the day and if it's immediate then you know pulling her aside and saying hey again this is not this is something that makes me uncomfortable can you please watch how you behave I'd really appreciate that right yeah um if it's a longer term problem then then needing to to really look at okay I've mentioned this to you several times and now I'm in a space where I need to understand you know what is what is it that you're trying to show me or what is it that you're trying to really kind of addressing the problem may perhaps after the holidays and in a way that gets to the root of something if it tends to be a repeating behavior um and and also making your husband aware you know I don't know how much of this is you also you know uh feeling bad that your husband is is engaging in it again communication boundaries and not and trying to come to our spouses not with the you know I I think it's important to not have an accusing tone um if you know that he's engaging in something and he's persisting then that's different but let's say that this is really more about your sister and maybe he really doesn't realize that he's flirting with her or that she's being a flirt then maybe it's just like hey you know can I talk to you about something that's making me uncomfortable um I don't know if you know this or if you see it but you know my sister flirts with you how do I mean how do you feel about that or do you see it right because that brings him into your experience without you getting pissed and then reacting and then you bring your husband into your reaction to we don't want to do that we want to we want to be able to open the space for hey curious right I think I think if we're in a space of curiosity then we can get his genuine response right oh yeah you know was she flirting with him because he may not know he may not be the husband's fault yeah right so yeah he's sensitive to that too yeah and communication is key in this particular situation but also understanding that if your sister really is flirting with your husband it sounds like a tension-seeking behavior and maybe like like it's like an underlying issue like it's like a symptom of like a bigger underlying issue so that's something to think about for sure yeah and I think whenever you have these kinds of things that happen either with family members or friends or whatever especially since we're contextually we're talking about the holidays today that's why I'm saying to to kind of look at it at a couple of different levels is this only is this holiday specific is this a new behavior that I haven't seen before or is oh my god here's that thing that she always does and I need you know I need to figure out what the deeper issue is you know because not everything may be a deep issue and and some things might be a deep issue that is showing itself worse during the holidays right so we need to be sensitive to to kind of where we're headed with with dealing with stuff it's 100% I agree with that and this was amazing thank you for all of our amazing viewers yet so many people in here these were some amazing questions this is going to be a recurrent segment during the holidays and so whenever you guys have questions to ask when we have these little holiday session events please come because we want to hear from you we want to give you advice and we want to help navigate our psych to go viewers through this holiday season and a big thank you to Dr. Rajan for being here today and you know just blessing us with her expertise oh it's my pleasure to be here may I offer a couple of gifts to your listeners yes sure okay real quick um so for those of you who struggle with depression anxiety and PTSD on an ongoing basis um if you look in the it's in the description box yes I'm adding it to the description yeah so I there's a link to uh something called new com it's and it's it's n-u-c-a-l-m dot com and on I have a discount code for new com which is d-r-r one two three new com is an app that you can download for free and you can you can pay a subscription it's it's pretty cheap $15 a month which is like the price of a like three Starbucks coffees and if you listen to these tracks they start to rewire your brain it's neuroacoustic software which will help reduce symptoms of anxiety symptoms of depression symptoms of PTSD the more you listen to them and I know because I've used I've used new com for the last year and it's it's a fantastic product so it's a relatively inexpensive way and I have a discount code for 15 off that can help to augment the work that you're doing and help to help you be calmer during the holidays and I also if you go to my website um the conscious-life.com you can have a free personality test that you can download that will give you maybe a jump up for the new year in terms of wanting to know yourself better and if you're planning on doing therapy work you know there's also a 15 minute free consult that I offer with my personality test that's a free download um and then if any of you are interested I'm going to be having a youtube channel too called the conscious psychologist and um I'm going to be uploading lots of content in terms of some of these things we've talked about today and other concerns questions that people might have around relationships dating therapy mental health those kinds of things so yeah and all of Dr. Rajan's links are in the description including her Instagram her website and the product she just mentioned and the code and also um like I mentioned earlier please subscribe to our new channel pot to go that's also in the description and we're excited to see you in the next one thank you so much have a great day everyone happy Thanksgiving happy Thanksgiving take care everybody bye bye