 The Kraft Foods Company presents Willard Waterman as the great skilledest lead. He was brought to you partially transcribed by the Kraft Foods Company. Kraft, makers of the one and only Miracle Whip salad dressing. We say one and only because there just isn't any other salad dressing like Miracle Whip. Miracle Whip is different and it tastes different. Miracle Whip tastes so good it's become the most popular salad dressing ever created. More Miracle Whip is sold than the next 20 leading brands of salad dressing combined. Try it. Make your salads better tasting with the one and only Miracle Whip. Giltis Lee's house, Marjorie and Bronco are having some painting done in their house next door. So they're spending a few days with the water commissioner. Right, George. It's good to have the kids back again. I hope they like the little room. They are too, Mr. Giltley. You sure have fixed it up nice for them. Yeah, but it's sure rough on Elmer. Elmer? Yeah, my pet turtle. She doesn't have the wrong of the upstairs like you used to. I think it's got them worried. A turtle with claustrophobia. Come on, Leroy. Let's go work in the yard for a while. Aren't you going to the office, Mr. Giltley? Well, I thought I'd wait around until Marjorie and Bronco come down. I didn't get a chance to talk to them much last night. No, sir. Who did? All they can say is Marjorie, darling. Marjorie, darling. Marjorie, darling. Marjorie, darling. They're worse moves before they were married. Oh, Leroy. I thought they'd quit that mushy stuff after the honeymoon. They've been married a couple of years. Well, if I know of them two, they'll be on a honeymoon for a lot more years. I hope so. Go along, Leroy. What are we going to do, huh? Well, we might burn the rubbish for Bertie. Can you lie to them? Yeah, go ahead, my boy. Pretty damp. Going to smoke a lot. Breeze will keep it going. Hey, look, we're laying down a smoke screen. Hmm, going right across the street to Bullard's house. The bedroom windows are open. I wonder if Bullard's up. He will be. Tossing his old rubber tire on the fire. No, Leroy. Why not? We can't help it if the breeze blows the smoke over there. That's Mother Nature at work. Maybe this wasn't a good idea. Bullard might think we're doing it on purpose. Oh, he doesn't like you and you don't like him. No, Leroy, it isn't that we don't like each other. We just don't get along. Wouldn't surprise me if he comes over here and tries to start something. Zik, here he comes. Which one, Uncle? No, Leroy will stand our ground. It's ours. What are you up to now? Oh, Mr. Bullard. Good morning. Nice morning, isn't it? I don't know. I can't see it for smoke. Smoke? Yeah, it's a little smoky, isn't it? Gilder Sleeve, haven't you any consideration for other people? Oh, yes. Was that a consideration for you, Mr. Bullard, that we didn't burn this rubber tire? I ain't heaven for that. Gilder Sleeve, how in the lottery of life did I draw you for a neighbor? Well, I'll see you here, Bullard. I might ask you the same thing. You just waited until the wind was right to burn rubbish. No, I didn't. Oh, yes, you did. No, I didn't. You keep out of this, Leroy. No, I didn't. Well, whether you did it on purpose or not, it was a stupid thing to do. Oop, careful who you call stupid. I'm a public official. I'm the water commissioner. Gilder Sleeve, if you fool with me, I'll buy the water department and cut off your water. Oop, good day, nincompoop. That does it. Leroy, burn the tire. Don't you have some breakfast with us, Auntie? No, thanks, Marjorie. Leroy and I have eaten. I can eat again. Leroy, leave something for Marjorie and Bronco. Oh, Leroy's like me. He can always eat. Pass the toast, Marjorie. Here, dear. Hey, Mr. Gilder Sleeve, what was all the noise out in the backyard? Noise? Auntie was just exchanging pleasantries with a neighbor. Hey. Yes. Well, what are you love birds going to do today? Oh, I have a million things to do. Have to shampoo my hair and sew on some buttons for Bronco, and then I have to go and keep an eye on the painter. Yeah, good. Yeah, and I'm going to work right after breakfast. If you're going to make money, you got to go out and hit the ball. Yes, sir. That's the spirit. Will you pass the bacon again, Mr. Gilder Sleeve? Hell, bacon. Ah, thanks. Maybe eater. How are things going down at the real estate office? Tell him your plan, darling. Yes, what is your plan, darling? I mean... Oh, me? Sure. I heard there's big dough on potatoes. Okay. Well, I've got big plans, Mr. Gilder Sleeve, because I have the most wonderful wife in the world and two wonderful children. Isn't he wonderful, Anki? Oh, yes. Plus this wonderful plan. Mr. Gilder Sleeve, I have a briefcase. Yeah? And in it, there's a real estate license. Anki, he's going to sell real estate on his own. Going in business for yourself, huh? Well, I admire your spunk, Bronco. Not wanting to work for somebody else. Well, spunk is what I've got plenty of. Spunk and drive. And ability. Yeah. And ability. But, Bronco, don't you think real estate is a little crowded? Well, Mr. Gilder Sleeve, the way I see it, the whole world is waiting to be sold. Oh? Yeah, there's always room at the top. What are you going to sell, an off pole? Roy, please. Don't snipe at a young man starting his career. Oh, that's all right, Mr. Gilder Sleeve. Nothing can stop me. Now, I'm starting out to ring doorbells right after breakfast. More bacon, Marge? Not anymore, dear. Oh. Well, I'm starting right now. Goodbye, honey. Goodbye. Now be sure to wear your coat. It might rain. That boy doesn't need a coat. He's a ball of fire. Good morning, Mr. Bullard. I'm Bronco Thompson, Mr. Gilder Sleeve's son-in-law. Yes, yes, I know. You seem nervous, lad. Well, you're my first customer. I am? Mr. Bullard, I'm in the real estate business. What is your house for sale? Young man, this house is not for sale. Oh. Well, I thought I'd ask you first. I'm starting at the bottom, you know. Sorry. Yes, yes, yes, of course. Well, good day, Mr. Bullard. I'll try some of the other neighbors. Yeah, that's a good... Oh, oh, Thompson. Yes, sir? Now, I just had a thought. Has Gilder Sleeve, by any chance, listed his house for sale? No, sir. No, not that I know of. Hmm. Thompson, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll give you a listing on mine, if you'll promise to get a listing on Gilder Sleeve's house. Fair enough? Well, yes, sir. Oh, very good. Come into my study, young man. Come into the house. Let's get the dining room table cleared off, Bertie. I'm gonna do a little work at home this morning. Yes, sir. No point in going to a stuffy office when the man's got a comfortable home. No, sir. You want me to leave the water picture and the glass on the table? Yeah, I guess you might as well, Bertie. Warm day. Yes, sir. How about the bread and butter and jam? You might want something to nibble on while you're working. Yeah, that strawberry jam is pretty good. All right, Bertie, you can leave it. You want some coffee to go with the bread and jam? Bertie, please. The reason I wanted the dining room table was to... Is the coffee good and hot? Yes, sir. Well, the man has to keep up his strength if he's gonna work. I'll put the coffee on. Close the kitchen door, Bertie. I don't want to be disturbed. Yes, sir. Now, let's see. Here's where I start. Excuse me. What is it now, Bertie? He says he's selling real estate. Bertie, I don't want any salesmen in my hair. Well, this one's gonna be in your hair for quite a while. He's your son-in-law. Ronco? Oh, send him in. I am, Mr. Gildersleeve. So I see. Well, how's business, Ronco? Oh, great. Just dandy. And I want to talk to you about something. Oh? I want to list your house for sale. My house? I have a listing blank here, Mr. Gildersleeve. And if you'll just fill in a few details here and sign the document, I'm sure that I can... Ronco, wait. You wait. Ronco, I don't want to sell my house. Put the top back in your fountain pen. Well, I've learned an important thing about the real estate business. You can't sell real estate without listings. Yeah, well, that's probably true. But why don't we start with somebody outside the family? Oh, I have. I just listed Mr. Bullard's house. Bullard gave you a listing on his house? Yes, sir. He said he liked to help a young man get started. Yeah, that Bullard. Trying to show me up before my own son-in-law. Let me see his listing, Ronco. There it is in black and white. Yeah, yeah, yeah. His house isn't worth that much. He marked up the price. He knows it won't sell. Wasn't it nicer, Mr. Bullard, to give me the listing? Well, he's no nicer than I am. Where's that dotted line? What can I do for you? Yeah, I thought I'd drop in and have lunch with you. On the house? No, P.D. Have I ever asked you for a free lunch? We're good friends. Good friends are the kind that eat a lot of free lunch. Oh, my goodness. Let me see the menu, P.D. Well, I recommend the cold salami sandwich. Well, I don't know. I think I'll like this roast beef. If you're hungry, Mr. Gillespie, why don't you take this salami? Why? I don't have any roast beef. All right, P.D., give me a ham sandwich. I'd still take this salami. No ham, I'll P.D. No. Yes, yes. P.D., I like a warm lunch. Don't you have something hot? I didn't eat this salami. Give it to me cold. Yeah, well, I hear Marjorie and Bronco were staying with you for a few days. Well, a lot of excitement. They're painting the house, and Bronco's going into the real estate business for himself. Yes, I know. Here's your salami, Mr. Gillespie. Thanks. P.D., don't tell me Bronco was drumming up business in here. Well, he did want me to list the pharmacy for sale. That's Bronco, all right. Fast-working. I told him I'd have to talk it over with Mrs. P.D. P.D., you didn't have to do that. Why didn't you just tell him no? Well, talking it over with Mrs. P.D. Well, I don't want to sell my house either, but I gave him a listing on it. I just thought I'd encourage the boy. Of course, I put the price up pretty high. You'll never sell it, but if he has the listing for me, it might help him get other business. Yes, it might. Mr. Gillespie. Bronco. I've been looking all over for you. I've sold your house. Well, that certainly sold my house. I'm lying. Here's a cashier's check for the down payment. Bronco, you can't sell my house right out from under me. Kenny P.D. Well, I wouldn't say that. Great Gilda's leave will be back in just a minute. Here's something to remember if you want to make really delicious salads. No matter how fine the quality of the fruit or vegetables or seafood or meat you use, no matter how much care you take in preparing them, if the salad dressing you use isn't as good as it should be, then your salad just can't be at its best. So be discriminating in your choice of salad dressing. Use the best tasting salad dressing you can buy. Use Miracle Whip. Miracle Whip has a flavor, millions of good cooks all over the country, called Just Right. It's a flavor that's lively, teasing, peppy. A flavor that's truly delicious. And it's a flavor you won't find in any other salad dressing anywhere. Why? Because Miracle Whip is made exclusively by Kraft from an original recipe created by Kraft. It's a recipe that combines the best qualities of zesty old-fashioned boiled dressing and fine, rich mayonnaise. Miracle Whip has the kind of texture you want in the salad dressing, too. It's creamy, thick, and velvety smooth because Miracle Whip is blended thoroughly with special beaters. So many people like Miracle Whip so much, it's become the most popular salad dressing ever created and actually outsells the next 20 leading brands of salad dressing combined. Try it. See how much more delicious your salads can be when you make them with America's favorite salad dressing, Miracle Whip. Let's get back to the great Gilda Slater. To encourage his son-in-law in the real estate business, the great man listed his house for sale. He didn't think it would move at such a fancy price, but was he ever surprised? I listed it in good faith, Margie, but I had no idea he'd sell it. Isn't Bronco a wonderful salesman, Anki? Well, he's a salesman. You won't even tell me who's bought the place. The buyer wants to remain anonymous. Besides, what do you care? Are you getting twice what the house is worth? And think of the big commission Bronco's making. Well, I'm glad for that. What is it, Leroy? How much money do I get from my treehouse out of this deal? That wasn't included in the deal, Leroy. Besides, we may have to live in it. Oh, Anki, for the money Bronco's getting, well, you can buy an even larger house. Yeah, how about a private room and bath for my pet turtle? Yo, for you. Leroy, this is a serious matter, and I'd back out of the deal if it wasn't anybody else but Bronco. Yeah, and get sued. Yeah, I guess the buyer could take action. Yes, Birdie? When are we going to start looking at houses? Oh, I don't know, Birdie. Let's not rush this thing. No, sir. But when we do, let's find a kitchen that's all automatic. All automatic? Yes, sir. The only thing automatic about the kitchen we've got is Birdie. Mr. Kilsie, when are we going to move? I don't know, Birdie. I don't even know who Bronco sold the house to. Oh, that Mr. Bronco. What a salesman. He sells so fast you don't even know who bought. All right, Birdie. He's a natural-born salesman. No, Birdie. Yes, he goes right out the first day and starts selling. That's a natural-born salesman. Yeah, I know. Mr. Kilsie, you know what your son-in-law is. Yes, Birdie. That's right. He's a natural-born salesman. How did I get into this? How do I get out of it? Trying to figure out how to keep the one we've got. We don't want to sell that place. That's our home. Yeah, I guess it'll be pretty rough living in another house. Certainly it will. How could we get in when you forgot the key? We'd have to punch new holes in the screens. Yeah, I'll leave while there's only one in the service porch. Gosh, I might have to go to a new school where the teacher wouldn't take pity on me. Are there worse grades than I do now? That's hardly possible, Leroy. Birdie doesn't like the new house. He may keep coming back like a cat. A homing turtle. I take a month to make the trip. Well, don't you worry about Leroy. We're not going to move, I hope. I could just find out who bought the place. Maybe you need a lawyer, Ron. Why don't you see Judge Hooker? Leroy, the judge doesn't know anything about real estate? Sure he does. He was standing in front of PZ's drug store this morning talking to Mr. Bullard about real estate. Bullard? Sure. I was sitting by the newsstand reading the comic books, and I heard Judge Hooker say real estate. Say, Hooker is Bullard's attorney. And if Bullard were... Right, George, I'm going over to Hooker's. What's the matter, Ron? I smell a mouse, my boy. And there's an old cat saying, when you smell a mouse, head for the mouse hole. I'm sure he does. Well, Conn found it. I'll get the truth out of him. I have to twist the old ghost's whiskers. There he is, going into his house. Judge, you're not by the hair of your chinny-chin-chin, you old ghost. Well, if I want to talk to you, Judge... Not now, Gildy. I'm very busy, and it's time for my K-lack water. Well, your K-lack water can wait. I want you to tell me the truth and nothing but the truth. But Gildy... I listed my house for sale with Bronco. Only a gesture to encourage the boy. And somebody pulled a sneaky trick on me and bought it. Do you know anything about it, Horace? That's a leading question. Judge, were you or were you not talking to Rumson Blurt in front of Peavey's drugstore this morning? Let me see. Peavey's drugstore. Answer yes or no, Judge. Well, I bought a package of soda mints, and Peavey gave me a glass of water. Oh, never mind. What about Blurt? Oh, he's fine. Judge, look here. A cashier's check. Deposit on my house. Now, who purchased this check? I can't tell you, Gildy. I don't have my glasses. The name isn't on it. Have you ever seen the check before? Me? Oh, my goodness. Now, look, Horace, you're supposed to be an old friend of mine. You want to see me lose my house? You want to see it sold right out from under my little family? No, Gildy, but... Besides, you're my attorney. I know, Gildy, but I'm Rumson Blurt's attorney, too. And he pays me. Oh, so it is Blurt who's buying the house. I didn't say that, Gildy. It isn't ethical for an attorney to talk about his client's affair. But it is Blurt. I didn't say it was, and I didn't say it wasn't. Well, you didn't say it wasn't. I didn't say it was. Well, it wasn't or wasn't it? It was. And I mean it wasn't. You said it, Judge. It was. Now, Gildy. I did it. I set a trap for a mouse and caught an old goat. I forgot to mention, Gildy Sleeve. I, uh, I bought your house. You did? Blurt, how could you have done such a thing? I have been waiting for an opportunity to remove you from the neighborhood, Gildy Sleeve. You and your burning tires. How happy I'm going to be when you're gone. But where will I go? How about Canada? Oh, Blurt. You wouldn't take advantage of an old neighbor. An old friend. An old neighbor? No. An old friend? No. You, Gildy Sleeve. Yes. Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to come in and look over the house. Well, I can't stop you. It's your house. How true. How true. Now, let's see, uh, what room is this, Gildy Sleeve? Well, you know the rooms. You've been in the house before. I know. But I'd like to hear you tell me about it. Please, old neighbor, have mercy on me. Tell me about the rooms, Gildy Sleeve. You're a hard man, Blurt. Thank you, thank you. Proceed, Gildy Sleeve. Well, this is the living room. Oh, no. You better watch it. What was that, Gildy Sleeve? It is nothing. Nothing. I assume there are other rooms in the house? Oh, yes. We have a kitchen. Well, what a pleasant surprise. Yes, yes. From the fumes which are constantly drifting across the street, I thought you did all your cooking over the incinerator. That, I presume, is the dining room, right? Yes, that's the dining room. You eat in there? Yes. Standing up? No, it's quite large when you're in it. I doubt it would seem large when you're in it. Blurt, have a heart. Give me a chance. Call off the deal. Oh, nothing doing. I have waited years for this. On the day you move, I'm going to sit across the street on my veranda and cheer each passing piece of furniture. It'll be a day of song and festivity. I shall adorn my cornices with bunting. All right, Billy. I'm late. But how did you do it? Well, it was quite simple, really. You was? Yes, yes. I induced young Compton to talk you into listing your house for sale by giving him a listing on mine. And when he came back with your listing, I gave him a cashier's check immediately. Is that how you did it? Yes, yes, indeed. Your experience to the contrary, Gildersley, if it requires brains to get along in the world. Well, by George Bullard, I have to hand it to you. You're clever. Yes, yes, that's it. Quite true, quite true. And as I have so often said, Gildersley, the day would come when I would have the last laugh. This is the day. Ah, ah, ah, ah! Hello, Mr. Gildersley. Well, Bronco. Oh, there you are, Mr. Bullard. I've been looking all over for you. What an ambitious young man. What is it, my boy? I've just sold your house. Oh, quiet! What? Mr. Bullard, aren't you lucky? Oh, no. No, it's not my house. My boy. No, you can't. What do you sign the listing, Mr. Bullard? And I have a cashier's check for the deposit. No, no! Here it is. The cashier's check you gave me for Mr. Gildersley. He's using it as a deposit to buy your house. I've got him trapped. As you said, Bullard, this is the day for the last laugh. Mr. Gildersley will be with us again in just 30 seconds. To keep fresh fruit from turning dark before you conserve it in your favorite fruit salad, do this. Cut it at the last possible minute, then immediately dip it into orange or lemon juice. That will help make your fruit salad attractive. And to make sure that salad tastes as good as it looks, make it with Miracle Whip salad dressing. Miracle Whip has a wonderful peppy flavor, a special flavor that belongs to Miracle Whip alone. Try it. Enjoy better tasting salads with the one and only Miracle Whip salad dressing. Just a minute, Gildersley. We've got him where we want him, Ronkel. Yeah, but Mr. Gildersley... What's going on in here? What's on the racket, Auntie? Nothing at all, Chilling. We've just bought Mr. Bullard's house. Oh, no, no, no, you haven't. Now, we'll call off both deals and just forget the whole thing. But what about my commission? I sold two houses. Well, Bullard, if you want to keep your house, you pay commission on both houses. Well, both houses only pay commission on one. It's a deal. You pay Bronco the commission on yours, and I'll pay it on mine. He can take mine out and bake it in eggs. Two houses, Bertie. Ain't that grand? Mr. Gildersley, do you know what Mr. Bronco is? Yes, Bertie. He's a natural bomb. Show Mr. Bullard the back door. Leroy, go out in the backyard and burn the tire. The show is written by John Elliott and Andy White of The Sparkly Transcribe. Included in the cast are Walter Shetley, Mary Lee Rod, Lillian Randolph, Jim Backes, Dick Trenna, Earl Ross, and Dick Legrand, musical compositions by Jack Meakin. This is John Heaston saying good night for the Kraft Food Company, makers of the famous line of Kraft quality food products. Be sure to listen in next Wednesday and every Wednesday for the further adventures of The Great Gildersley. Here's how to make some of the most delicious sandwiches you've ever tasted. Just spread that bread with Miracle Sandwich Spread. Miracle Sandwich Spread is made by Kraft from America's favorite salad dressing, Miracle Whip, and Spicy Relishes to give you a spread with wonderful tang, marvelous flavor. Use Miracle Sandwich Spread along with the meter cheese sandwich filling you like best. Or for the quickest, easiest, thriftiest sandwich you could want, use it alone between slices of bread. Tomorrow, get Miracle Sandwich Spread. Tonight, enjoy the best of Groucho on NBC.