 This week's episode is sponsored by Change. Change is an online mentoring program that teaches people with no experience how to create a real profitable online business and e-commerce. I have been working with Ryan at Change for a few years now and attended many events and got to meet the amazing community of like-minded people. These guys are the best of the best. The support these guys offer is personal, no bots or employees. There's no experience needed but like anything in life it takes time as it's a real business with real results. For more information go check out Ryan on Instagram at RyanGybe and he will guide you through the steps to help build a successful business. You can now follow me on all my social media platforms to find out who my latest guest will be and don't forget to click the subscribe button and the notifications bell so you are notified for when my next podcast goes live. Good morning and today's guest I've got Lee Marvin. How are you Martin? Thank you very much for having me James. Thanks for coming on brother. Cheers man. First and foremost thanks for coming on the show but we'll promote your new book straight away. Born in prison. Mad story. You've been on Ladbibo. You've been on Shot and Up with a few times as well. Book out Fair Playmate and understand your story. I've watched a few interviews from Born in prison. Addicted to Crack. I've used that loving in and out of prison. Goes on and on. Yes we'll get into it but you're bookworking people buy it. Amazon is available and Amazon is exclusive for Amazon. It's doing really well as well and it's a really good read. Great reviews and that so far. It's got a good quite good good bit of tips in it you know for trying to help you get clean and stuff a few things what you can do to try and use yourself you know if you've got a problem so it's got a good it's doing well. Very that life it's no secret. No. And pain misery torment. Kind of a tortured soul would you say. Yeah I'd say that yeah I'd say that yeah I've had a I've had a fight to get to where I am today. I appreciate my come up now. Yeah but now you're here. Yeah you're trying to do the right things you've got a book out. Yeah you're sitting next to me mate. I am yeah. So it's ticking I yeah. Before we get into all the madness not always like to go back to the start with my guests. Yeah trying to get a better understanding about you Marvin where you grew up how it all began. Yeah okay mate yeah so um I was born in HMP style which is a women's prison up in women's low Cheshire to two drug addicts true drug addicts. My mum was a drug addict and my dad was a drug addict as well. I later learned in life that my mum when I got the paperwork it turned out that my dad she never named my dad on the paperwork so there was a reason to that but we're getting to that later on. I went in an orphanage spent time in an orphanage from the prison. My mum was being told I'd be given to two doctors if she would sign me up for adoption and so she was very torn by that I mean and she was quite immature as well because on the same paperwork it states that she was asking them can she send cards and letters and birthday gifts and would they get there if she sent them you know what I mean so she was quite immature um so yeah she signed me away finally and I went to an orphanage what was quite strict um I believe the babies was locked in a room at four o'clock and then not seen till the next day um so that was quite tough knowing that then I was chosen by a Jamaican man and a Welsh woman um the Jamaican man was quite strict that's an understatement he was kind of I don't know he was a bit mad to be honest with you he couldn't he could never be just a nice man you know I mean he used to beat me a lot I used to weave the bed he'd beat me more for it you know I had this reoccurring dream that I was helping my mum mop the kitchen floor and it turns out that I wasn't helping I was weaving the bed so yeah I used to wake up with that struggle going on um so that was quite tough um yeah so my dad was a Jamaican man and he kind of went to town on me a bit growing up rub my face in wee uh beat me a lot and I remember going to school and like having accidents in school and having to come home from school with my underwear in my hands and bleeding um he'd go to town on me for that you know so uh I just wiped my face yeah yeah my dad used to go to town on me quite a lot for no reason you know just that things we in the bed they're asking to go out too much you know um but it wasn't just me he was beating he was beating one of my my mum had a friend a scotch woman from the gobbles called Janet and she had other kids and he was beating one of their girls as well because I got told later on that the police got involved and he got told like you can't be eating kids you know what I mean so we chilled out a bit then but I was always running away from home running away as a kid you know I was a I was a lost little child the first opportunity I'd run away from home trying to get as far away as possible I'd end up getting the police the police had bring me home in a police car and take me back um so my mum told me from very young that I was picked so I used to think I'm picked I used to pick berries and stuff and pick things up off the floor and say I'm picked you know that's how easy it is to pick something like I was always wondering what happened to my mum and dad you know what I mean and it was whispers but I can't remember when that I was born in prison but I think that came when I started going to prison myself so um I started stealing from very young I used to just go in the local news agents and take sweetie bars and stuff and the fella in the shop he'd let me get away with the local news agent and then one day he told me dad and my dad beat me went to town on me and um the fella never told him again you know I used to go in and still do it and he never said anything after that um so I started we there was a lot of petty crime on my estate you know people break cards broke stolen cards and stuff like that so I was always a bit of one pushing him down the road trying to get him started all my mates would try and start him on the canal so the police had always chased me because I was the biggest and I was the tallest for our age and so I was in a bit of my very younger lot but um it never stopped me doing anything um I got to about eight years of age and I was going in and out of all the empty houses on my estate and I pushed this door over an empty house and it was a fella to sleep there and I ran off went back the next day and um he'd been gluesniffing so I started copying what he was doing and when I got this hit it gave me this escape from like all my even very young even though I didn't know what like stress or anything was I was too young to understand it it really gave me a quick release and just gave me this like a breath of fresh air from all my troubles gave me this escape what I needed even though it was wrong I knew obviously gluesniffing and that was a wrong thing to do it felt like the right thing to do because I wasn't happy in the world just living day to day so I chased the gluesniffers out the houses in and out of the empty houses and stuff like find what's where they'd go and then I'd go in afterwards and then the gas came on the scene butane gas and I started doing the butane gas so we was in and out the city centre and like I used to pet your feet as well going to shop main shopping centres in the city centre and rob cars and whatnot and we used to get caught like me and this lad you still see to this day and we still talk about it I was getting caught very young for shoplifting and also was going to the red light area because that was right next to us as well so we'd watch all the working girls get to work and that look so it got to I got to 11 and we moved house and we only moved a mile away but to me it felt like another planet because it was over the canal and I wasn't really allowed over the canal so I met this guy called Andy who lived in the flats opposite where where I lived the big four flats what opposite our estate and he was about 16 and I had this games console and he said to me had games for it so we went to his flat and went to his house and it was his mum's house and we were in his bedroom I'll never forget it and he said to me I got the games for it my mates got the games for it over the way so he took me over to this house and it was a man in his 50s and he was his mum was in the in the living room the top of the roof as you go in his mum was like to the left in the living room and his bedroom was right opposite the front door and he just literally grabbed me and before I knew what he was doing he pulled me in the bedroom and he had this big wooden toolbox what he had behind the door and he dragged it behind the door and he just started licking me and stuff and was touching me and molested me and raped me anyway so I got raped and I went home in shock it was like I was hallucinating I was it instantly just like it was I was tripping again I felt like I was tripping off the go and then because I wasn't allowed in the flats I've been so stay out the flats stay out the flat stay out the flat because it happened in the flats I thought I can't tell my mum and dad because I've been in the flats so I had to keep it a secret and I kept it a secret and I went home I went to school the next day and it was mad because I just thought everyone knew I just thought all my mates are gonna start saying I used abuse yesterday I just thought everyone knew it was mad you just think everyone's staring at you everyone knows like they can read it in your face and so I went home and I went home and he was at my mum and dad's house he'd come round and said to him off thanks your son for helping my mum the day before he went shot for my mum is all right if he comes round helping regular like so my mum was like yeah of course and I'm like all right then I'm just like in shock anyway it literally he'd stand on his balcony and called beckoning me to his house you know I mean it was just as he'd come around to the house and say I'm just taking him out for some deliveries and that would mean going to like a pit sale so I used drugs from very young to deal with that Tipex was sniffing lots of Tipex thinner in school robbing it out of all the teachers chairs and nicking the gas and taking glue and playing up and petty theft and wagging school I got to 13 and I was already in town doing street robberies taxing had come around so everyone was taxing everyone else and even I got taxed so all that started happening I got arrested for robbery at 13 got convicted for robbery at 14 so then straight away I remember then when I got arrested the police officer he said to me if you was a bit older or kick the shit out of you for what you did you know I don't have robbed a cigarette of someone my mate robbed a signet ring so then I'm on the police radar then but by then we're already selling drugs this woman on my estate said to us do I start serving up for me so we're selling from her house from a little spiral by the time it's got to 14 I'm kind of avoiding that paedophile even though he's still there and I know he lives there I'm just kind of avoiding him and he's coming around I'm telling him to move and I just started fieving and going down the red light area and just pissing around really just just hanging around with all the way with kids you know what I mean and just felt that was where where I was at home with the people who was troubled the kids do the runaways and stuff like that I was always around the runaways and stuff and then I was in and out of the clubs the club scene had started then I said Austin had started so there was a nightclub on our estate called the Thunderdome everyone used to go to it I was selling trips in there whizzing there the other easy for could afford it you know what I mean obviously selling snideys as well if we could you know going in the assy and there's selling bits of pills and whatnot just trying to make a few quid so that was that part of life was ticking over everything was good and then one day he was this beautiful girl in a club dancing with her and we're talking afterwards and that and she said come back to my mother out and I'm just dabbing whizz at the time it's only like 17 and I'm never forget it I'm sat in the living room she said have you ever tried cocaine I went yeah yeah no I tried it in a spliff on that and that's all it ever did it's only ching spliffs that's all you ever did was around then and she bought a crack piping and that was me then straight away addicted instantly loved it crack was just better than all the other drugs combined and quickly became a crack addict robbed everyone around me stole off everyone borrowed off everyone and just been just you know as you do for drugs committing petty crimes city center in and out of prison well my first sentence was a robbery times two some lads were selling smack on my estate and two kids had come from another state serving up and I knew he was in that house someone had told me he was selling I went nah he's to buy weed off me he's a muppet I'm going round there now I walked around down the road seeing some lad I just shut it down my sleeve said yeah like do you want to come on a graph for me he said yeah yeah took him knocked on this door walked in robbed these drug dealers took the smack took the money took the bracelet off him and all that and on the way out the lad bit unbeknownst to me had threw the machete in the back garden so a day later getting it for robbery times two and two of the lads had said that he'd been robbed in the house obviously didn't say they were serving up on that so I got bail I'm outside the new shopping center what near me one day smoking drugs in this house and the same going in the shopping center so I kick his legs from underneath him and this episode is sponsored by fire away pizza the fastest grown pizza company in the UK with over 150 stores with their fresh quality ingredients and unique pizzas they will have you coming back for more use code james20 for 20% off that's james20 for 20% off put my knee to his throat and like why you blew me up you little anyway he went straight to the police I get remanded into custody and I walk into Hinley prison and it was like a it was like nothing had ever experienced before I walked into a bear cell with a bed frame no toilet just a yellow piss bucket in the corner and the windows was broken and he was like these cages on the window and it was like literally millipedes and spiders and insects on there and we had to shitting pieces of paper and fold up and push out the window and very very tough no exercise talking you had people screaming 10 cheesy bell ends out the window and all that very very tough environment and so tough and up very quickly really and but living the life of a crackhead was just horrible disgusting life I was an addict every time I got out of prison I commit crimes go back to prison get out do something else go back to prison um so I was doing that getting coming going back before to prison and um I was hanging around in the gang of fested area and there was a lot of gun crime around there at the time I mean gunchester gunchester yeah they gave they gave it the name gunchester and it was the reason because the reason with that was because there was two gun two gun gangs vying for a little small area and it was just a main road separating the two of them not even a main road a small road so literally they were just shootings around the mile radius of them to the states all the time you know what I mean and we used to like try and earn a few quid off him like how can we get your customers and very rare and some of them like yeah yeah but sometimes it wouldn't work like that we'd be robbing customers and stuff a couple of times it come on top for me you know what I mean um I've been shot before now got shot for fucking supposed to be selling for someone not so not selling for them and they looked shooting me you know what I mean um all my own fault you know I could have died that day you know what I mean um a lad said to me do you want to start selling crack for me and I knew he was a gunman I know he's a good gunman but I'm going yeah yeah yeah and he's going don't don't not pay me so shoot yeah I mean I still took him and smoked him and kind of avoiding him for a couple of days but I've seen him and then and he went like Marvel has a money man I said bro I smoked him you know what I mean I'm gonna be honest with you and he went nah you took the piss I told you man he's shooting if you so he gave me some more to sell for him but I think he just did that to try and help me out you know what I mean and not to lose face and stuff and I smoked him again so well deservedly you know what I mean the guy fucking pulled the big big 357 revolver out of me and shot me you know what I mean where did you get shot right in my leg um I was outside the club what had happened was um my mate I mean town like I kind of avoided him for now since he's got to the weekend and my mate said to me I've just copped some money here um I'm gonna go and buy a catch what I take us to see who's got the best white so I said yeah I'll get in the taxi with you if you've got 80 quid to lend me he's got nine I've only got 160 I'll give you 20 quid and I thought shit I can't be him getting this taxi anyway pirate taxi I'm kind of ducking down in the back but these guys are nosy in it you want to know who's outside the club apart from outside this nightclub and this guy's see me and got mad blah blah I want you in there fucking hell he's come out and gone come here I want you and I thought shit man I'm gonna get shot here man I know it I know it I'm just thought don't kill me bro and he's just gone come here took me around this corner and he just went pull this big fucking long nose revolver out and just went bang bang and the second shot went straight through my leg and um I'm not sure if it dropped me or not I can't remember if it dropped me to the floor but um I made it to the car anyway and my mates back from the car by then they're waiting for me like and I've gone oh it's been shot you know and he's gone what you've just been shot jumps out the car like an idiot and start shouting he just shot him shoot me and I'm like yo get in the fucking car be our shooters be will shoot us you know what I mean actually like I feel I thought oh my god that the guys are just gonna shoot up this car in a minute anyway he's jumped in the car as he jumps in the car the pirate taxi drivers pull the key I say that before left the keys in ignition just ran off yeah just see his dreads in the air flying like yeah I thought shit man we're in the car look these keys are in the ignition gone to me mate get in let's go so he's gone where you going now mad I have them now man let's go to town smoke a few pipes first so he's gone you're mad you you know I mean he's just been shot oh fuck it I'll just do like Rambo I've been watching a few Rambo films in a way he gets a ribbon and ties it round it and all that I just thought it was Rambo just being a dickhead basically gone in this nightclub toilets um started smoking crack and obviously my heart's pumping faster so the blood's coming out of me faster and uh I'm in a women's toilet and yeah just he's blood everywhere and I look and I see all my and prints all over where I've been messing around and um she goes oh you know what's going on in here and I've gone I've been shot she's gone you can't stay here go to the hospital so my mate the bouncer one of the bouncers has got a black bag and put it on his car seat and dropped me off at him and I blagged him for 20 good on the way that's how bothered the buzzle out it you know what I mean like a normal sane man would be like glad to be alive but as I was thinking of where I'm getting a nice crack from do you know what I mean so I get discharged I discharged myself after like they would clean it all out and they put like a big tampax in my leg so that was my party trick then I was going around saying hey do you want to see this and I was pulling this big piece of cotton wood in what they put right through my leg pulling it one end of my leg to the other that is party trick blagging people for money showing them a party trick yeah just like raging crackhead style um you probably feel let down a lot in your life but seeing that fucking sex case is manipulating yeah just supposed loved ones because I had a man on who was abused with a guy called Barry Bonnell who's just actually passed away yes oh did I am oh yeah I had a undercover pedophile on the guy worked 20 years undercover pretending to be one wow and what happens is he says they don't just target the kids target the parents yeah the weak links yeah manipulate them first yeah a lot of these cunts go on dating websites are Facebook you know target parents single mothers yeah wean their cell phone for a year to you and then target the kids yeah what did you feel how let down did you feel when this can't sit in your in your loving room what was it your step so was it your foster parents adoptive parents yeah at the time um I didn't really think much about it because I didn't really feel I didn't know the what was wrong in it I didn't really see the wrong in it do you know what I mean I just I just thought he was a friend he was like fucking doing stuff to me you know I mean I didn't think of it I didn't understand it was too young one I was too young to figure it out when did you figure it out well I got to about 13 14 and then I was fuming and I was dead angry I started getting angry thinking what was he doing to me but because I was embarrassed I didn't want to tell anyone because I was embarrassed you know what I mean because I felt blame myself um I did I blame myself uh and then he died in the end before anything ever happened to him his mum died first and then but I was avoiding him by then and then he died and when he died I felt like I wanted to do so much you know I mean it was like one of them shoulda woulda coulda wish he woulda done this wish he woulda done that you know what I mean but I regret and regret yeah but then again you've been on the crack and getting older you're doing full doing more hate and rage possibly sitting next to someone and fucking prison doing a live sentence yeah it would have been million percent you know million percent million percent because I was getting that way I was doing robberies in town and thinking it's not hard you know to do damage to people you know what I mean like petty thefts off people and all that I was thinking you know what you can break the law you know like you can do things like that I was starting to just starting to feed that little tiny seed in me had about what I should do I'm gonna get like get it back or shoulda front it I think just too late you know what I mean when was the first time you spoke about that fucking how about 35 40 years of age probably later probably it's just Sam with Neil Sam with I think I spoke to first never told anyone how was that speaking about it for the first time kind of cath, cath, cathetic really is that what you say cath, cathetic felt like I was just because I told I told my girlfriend but I'd never gone into detail about what happened I just told it like I was abused as a kid you know me don't need to know what happened you know but yeah when I kind of let the cat out the back it was kind of soothing but at the same time I feel like it's not it's not me you should be keeping secrets because I was the victim so it's like it's like the the abusers winning if I feel I've got to keep a secret do you know what I mean like it's me who's got to suffer I suffer with the secret keeping it a secret so if I let it out I believe that I'm letting the poison dissipate you know what I mean that's how I'm looking at it yeah yeah so I'm just trying to get it out there you know just to let fade away what happens then after you get shot after they get shot what age were you um about 25 26 um after I got shot I didn't give a shit I just carried on completely lost yeah just stayed in the ghetto um buying drugs off people like Darryl Lachock stuff like that you know shout out to Darryl shout out to Sam as well yeah shout out to Sam yeah um yeah uh yeah buying crack banging around the back end of the gangs did you ever look for your mum I was scared to I was scared to look for it because I'd always promised me adoptive mum I wouldn't go looking for her until she was dead for some reason but my mum always said to me my if you're the lost little boy you you need to go and look for your mum go and find out who you are but I never wanted to because of um I just felt I felt it'd be wrong if I tried to look for her while my mum was alive and it was funny I should have I should have long before because what happened was is I started working with um this prison prison team this woman started working with me but she was started doing a bit more than she should really I could tell she was trying to get into me a little bit but I wasn't sure I wasn't sure if he was just being friendly or she was like somewhere else because I got moved prisons and she started sending me money when she shut off and um started saying to me like what you're gonna do when you get out and stuff like that and I'm like me I'm just thinking about where my next pipe's coming from on discharge you know what I mean I'm not thinking about anything else and um she starts her sending me money and stuff like that then before I get out of jail she says oh I can get put on your license as a condition your license so you can come and see me once a week so hold on that's cool then twice a week um and then she says to me um what you're gonna do for work so I said I don't know so she said you want to earn a hundred pound a day stripping the walls in my house I live right next to ultra food football club so I'm going to this woman's house stripping the walls stripping the walls and um getting hot and sweaty and stuff like that and I'm taking me top off and stuff and like I can tell that she's wants it sort of thing but she's not my type not my cup of tea and I wouldn't prostitute myself out to you know what I mean because that's what I felt like I'd be doing if like I sold myself to her because I wasn't attracted to her in any way um so then she's got a school by a son in the house as well and she's trying to seduce me in the house and I'm trying to avoid it and stuff like that so she's giving me a hundred pound every day and it gets to New Year's Eve and I'm riding in the city centre and um I see this guy and I hate his guts like he's got his girl he's got his um every girl he's ever been with you'd seen him as a prostitute he's had him as a prostitute his sister's a prostitute he's had her on the game I used to see him bullying him for money and like I seen him with this young girl and I walked over while I was on the my bike I rid off and I went yo what are you doing with her you better leave her alone you and he went what I'm not doing now they went you know what you're up to you you're fucking putting on that game I if I see that game I'm gonna smack you all over you know I hate you and I've gone to where are we you and she's gone here maybe you proper attitude like proper cheeky and I've gone yeah chill out I'm only trying to help you and um he's gone into the to the spa and I start speaking to what I'm saying what are you doing with him he'll get you on the game him you know he's a bad bad man him even though I was a raging crackhead you know I mean it just wasn't my style I wouldn't put girls on the game and all I wouldn't dream of doing that I knew he was so it's like he's gonna get you on the game him smoking crack and everything she meant nah not me not me this girl's come over who knows me and gone oh he's safe him and all that give him a number anyway and I keep thinking about that evening and then I phone her up and she starts crying first into tears and went he's just batted me so where are you she went I mean I gave a little bit down to the gavelage on this BMX and then he's gone in a bar the one of the bouncers knew me and my just leave it man sorted out and that so I took her to my friends I also lived in you sat with her talking to her all night um telling her to try and get away from this guy you know what I mean and like there was a connection there to a straight away you know I mean I felt I felt like her energy straight away I could tell she was struggling so I bought her a top up and all that and said to her if you need me ring me and all that so the next day she rang me and she's burst into tears again I think and said look batted me again levered me so I said what so I went let me see if I can get you somewhere to stay and I was only staying in my niece's house like my niece had a spare bedroom homeless yeah I was homeless yeah I'm my niece had a spare bedroom and um it was one of them I said to her do you want to put this girl up in my room she could stay in my room you know what I mean just not as if like she's struggling like she's had trouble at home with her mom and dad and all like she's got nowhere to stay so she's gone I'm having no fucking smack heads and all like here and I went nah she's not on the drugs then anything she's clean and she's only young your age and my niece was like 19 at the time and um so I knew she was close in age so I thought they were sweet so um I brought her down to my niece's house and thankfully she was getting on really well but this woman in in in there he worked for the prison was up in a game of seduction seduction she um every time I sat down she'd come and sit next to me or like I went upstairs I'd hear her follow up my stairs and start messing around the bedroom and stuff and I thought fucking hell she's trying to hear it but because she's paying me every day for ripping the wallpaper I don't want to rock the boat you know I mean I'm thinking it's sweet this so and actually I go upstairs to the toilet and she follows me up don't you and then I go just go in the bathroom and the door opens and she just I don't know yeah she comes in and throws her lips on me going to the bedroom I mean she throws her lips on me and I think shit I just freeze like that I just that was it she said to me um disappear what do you reckon about stripping that and she pointed to somewhere next to me I looked up and I turned around she just started necking me I thought shit and I froze I was like I froze on the spot and she jumped back and went oh I'm so sorry that was so unprofessional of me I shouldn't have done that you know put a proper scene on and I thought oh this might go alright this now she might start treating me a bit better now now she knows I don't want that with her she turned on me man she if it was switcher she turned into a monster started slamming doors like looking me up and down and all that proper switched on me she had her office in the front room right so she more or less lived in the back of her now the front room was an office hall piles of paperwork she just us running slam the door all the paperwork had fly everywhere and I think whoa she's proper angry at me so my niece had a boyfriend he's dead now God rest his soul killed himself in prison a few months ago um my niece's boyfriend going with me and I'm knocked on the door and she's open the door she went who's this and I went I've just brought my niece's boyfriend to help me do the strip instrument I didn't let him tell you to bring anyone to this house she got me recalled to prison she told me probation officer I can't work with him he's this he's this is that I'm I'm sat there one day at home next next minute the police come knocking and it may breach my breach of my license conditions because of her she breached me on my bail so I'm back in custody then so how long for nine months I got to prison for and within that nine month I get to know Kara and then she starts telling me stories about she starts telling me stories about what's happened to her in the past and stuff so she broke down in tears and told me that that guy who she was with he'd been beating her up since she was 15 and then not only that he'd been like doing like bad things to her like he'd been been doing the monster you know he was a monster he was a sex offender and when I was in prison and she said to me look my I've got something to tell you like he's not only been beating me up like he's been like forcing me to have sex and he was forcing me when I was 15 as soon as she said that I said you know what girl he's a sex offender you need to get him locked up because no man can go with a girl at 15 he's 39 no he's a non he's a non sex offender just because you've rolled into 16 17 now because you've been with him a few years that doesn't mean it makes it any better he's still a sex offender when he was good with you when he knew you was 15 please go to work because she was working with this child protection team because they'd already been on her because they know that he was an animal she'd been around him for a while I didn't know and it turns out that he'd had other girls in his house he was runaways and he was forcing other girls to come around to his house and all that so when she told me that and she was away from him I begged her to get him locked up I said listen and she went no no because it's grass and I went it's not grassing girl that's the that's the thing you don't understand it's no grassing sex offenders it doesn't work like that and they're not criminals they work they live on different wings to us they build prisons for sex offenders so prisoners cannot get to them because when we get to them we am alive like a piranha on a fish so we had to convince her that they don't live with us there on a separate wing you know the sex offenders it he's no such fingers grassing a sex offender do you know what I mean it doesn't no such thing it's no such thing so I convinced her to report him and he got six and a half years so he was doing a lot of naughty things okay and that was with a deal and all that you know what I mean that was with him not not going guilty some for some of the worst charges so I was still an addict though and I'm I'm trying my best you know I'm trying to live a straight life I'm trying to trying to earn money for crack and then go home at night or go home after a couple of days and try and live a normal life try and not smoke crack and walk my dog and stuff like that and at the time I'm I didn't I didn't know whether I wanted to live or die I kept thinking is death easier than life I was questioning that a lot and then I didn't know ever I didn't know whether it was worth living or not there was a lot of people dying of overdoses and stuff a lot of people dying the drug game your friends are dying regular you know especially those who injects and stuff like that you see a lot of people go you know and I was thinking wow is this how I'm going to die like am I going to die of an attack of the crack and stuff like that and I kept thinking to myself mouth like you've got to change you've got to change you know what I mean and my bird's family like obviously she'd got back speaking to them they were safe with me my bird's dad like he treated me like a son you know I mean and he knew I was an addict even like you know he trusted me impeccably and stuff like that and he was dying of a terminal disease so watching him watching him have a terminal illness and watching everything kind of crumble around me I felt like it was I was duty bound to try and do my part and get cleaned you know what I mean and I struggled I fought the crack tried to get clean doing normal days having days off and then going back waking up the next morning seeing a bit of zig-ash on the floor and being triggered by it and or somewhere walking down and someone had gone mafia there's a there's a phone number there and if he's a crack rat up in it you know what I mean and set me off again or like the thought I'd just get the better of me and I just want a smoke crack and I'd just climb windows or climb walls to get to it and I was I wasn't happy. Is it that side though? I want to sit beside a lot I felt like it was going to kill me anyway I felt like I was going to die in a minute. Yeah smoke crack is basically fucking self-harming. Yeah self-harming yeah I was putting bigger pipes. Any sort of drugs you're taking self-harming. Yeah I was putting bigger and bigger pipes on. How much were you smoking a day? Anywhere from a one or two seven eight hundred quid a day whatever I made I'd smoke on cracks you know what I mean as much money as I made and I was cracking all day. What happened when you were in the jail were you going clean? I loved it in the jail loved it. How many times you get there? 20, 30? 20, 30 times yeah. What's your biggest sentence? I got a four done three a one month off for four for selling drugs in my side got nicked on a drug operation in the end in my side. Why did you enjoy prison? It felt like home James. It felt like home I was born there do you know what I mean I was born there it was my place that you know I mean I'd go in the wings and everyone would like yes Marv's back on the wing you know I mean I'd walk in the wings I'm like the old jail they're like the wing would be banging because Marv would come back on the wing because it'd just be a bulge you know what I mean like bat flits off the landings and jumping in the dryer and fucking having the wing firing and selling drugs and all that and just mad ones selling furniture you know what I mean it's not in subutex and fucking smoking weed and getting throwovers and Tem Jeezyk and all like the northeast Tem is Tem Jeezyk boy they was they was flooded the jails them years ago Tem Jeezyk. Were you not a debt collector in prison? Yeah I was a debt collector as well yeah I used to nip around and get the debts for the people you know what I mean um not something proud of that though really James it's just necessary and it's a very very tough price prison people on the out won't really won't really relate yeah a fucking debt collector but you know when someone owes someone a wanna and they don't really want to pay it and they need convincing I'd go in and convince them do you know what I mean and um they'd be I'd have ways of making them pay you know what were you just scare them you know what I mean just threaten them threaten to like take just just threaten them to do something you know what I mean seems heavy on your heart yeah it was very heavy it was hard hard I mean to do that knowing righteous but you know I mean scaring people and that you know like but you've got to pay your bills or she just gonna get it you know I mean or because I see the sadness in you bro I see it yeah being a addict and being everything you through I can understand why you were angry I can understand why you done bad shit to try and survive yeah because you're angry at the world you feel let down you feel lost you feel alone yeah that's a horrible place to be where's my mum where's my dad why did they not love me was it me what did I do wrong yeah the constant questions the constant darkness the constant try to get away from the pain that's it yeah I done a homeless documentary it was like a world within a world after about three four days I actually felt homeless I actually felt that when I was waking up the morning I thought is this a dream or I've actually lost my shit I was starting to think wow is this I'm a homeless because it's the you don't sleep it's like every 20 minutes little bus because I was always on edge yeah somebody fucking tried to plug me when I'm sleeping and it was just it was it was a horrible feeling because even though I was doing it seven days I felt what people forgot about me where's my family is this a dreamers at real war that's it and it's scary to think if I was feeling alone even though I was going home after seven days at Christmas how would it be for somebody who's been on the streets for 20 years 30 years you are alone not got anybody to turn to not go anywhere to go on Christmas day no that's it yeah it's a horrible place life sometimes and yeah of course that's also a beautiful journey it's a it's a mixture of emotions life if we're honest but it takes us on so many journeys but I can see the struggle in your eyes yeah yeah I can't do I'm not gonna sit here and bullshit you know and it's totally understandable yeah but don't forget how far you've come into what you're doing now yeah of course see when you you think about the past as well does it play a burden on your heart can do not just the stuff that people's done to you but the stuff you've done to others yeah both yeah of course yeah I mean I've there's a there's a memory wall in nearly there's an office next to strangers and it's got pictures of everyone who died in drugs of prison and on the street my god it breaks my balls what looking at it because I see loads of faces of a no and a no I gave him spice and I know I was smoked crap with him and I know I used to have a buzz with him and I know I sold him spice in jail and just think well I wonder if I killed them people why do you think you're still alive to do what I'm doing now to spread the word that no matter what you've been through you can been through the worst of the worst you can you can make it through and turn it around anytime you want do you know what I mean I mean um it's talking about that burn before won't be on my back all right that burn on my back gave me so much trouble as a kid because I think to myself he's burnt me you what did I do that wrong was it that I don't know was there was something wrong with me why why would someone put a cigar on my back it looks like a cigar hmm it's a big burn it's not a cigarette burn would be a weed yeah the biggest stub out in it it's not somebody's it's skim g it's been yeah it's proper put out in it that's what I mean yeah and that's what I mean my mum my adoptive mum always said Marv I never burnt you love it wasn't me you know she called me Marvin she put Lee at the beginning of my name but she never called me Lee no one ever called me Lee only police everyone calls me Marvin because my birth mum called me Marvin um so yeah I used to question you burnt me with the cigarette a lot and um that that's hard to deal with and I've never been able to solve it you know I mean because when I went searching for my mum we just adoption agent sir worked with him for years man and she said to me right I'm going to open your adoption file for you now you officially open it went away buzzing she phoned me up and said I've got some news coming on Tuesday so what and she went she was sad and I was buzzing me and my bird thinking well I'm going to meet my mum soon and she went I've got some soul sorry yeah and just passed me a piece of paper and I thought what the fuck this and it was my mum's death certificate and she went I'm so sorry your mum was dead I couldn't tell you before you know there's the reason there's when she died she died within weeks of my my adoptive mum dying so she died weeks apart 2003 years before you know I mean I'm thinking no within weeks of them dying together do you know what I mean even if I'm new and mum but did you still feel heartbroken because yeah I answered questions plunge me into depression James I never knew what depression was until that happened because I sat there we we've had phones on and I was just blanking the world I didn't want to speak to care I had my dog next to me and I just felt like I didn't want to deal with anyone I just had enough of everybody I didn't want to deal with anyone I didn't want to talk to no one and my missus is going what's the matter with you didn't even know her and you know what I mean she's mamming it so so I can remember the last time my mum held me in her arms and I've said it and I'll say it in every podcast and I can um it's somewhere in my memory bank here in my brain every time when I say it I remember it here but I don't know if I was looking there when there was a baby looking up I don't know what it is but somewhere in my psychic I can feel the last time I was in my mum's arms you know what I mean I can feel like the distressing energy and it's never left me that you know um so that energy I can feel a lot a lot how old was she when she had you teenage 17 18 what was she in prison for theft it said she was doing I think it was nine months I've said six it's I was six or nine um why you're pregnant pregnant yeah heavily pregnant she was out stealing to try and survive basically yeah well that's what I mean um she was out heavily pregnant um and then she got nicked for theft and then my dad was in prison as well because I've I've heard since that he was both in custody when I was born um but my mum was an escapee from a woman's prison in London that's that's what my bear family have told me my mum was an escapee from a prison in London that's why she went up south she was up there so obviously she had me adopt um she had me in style wombs low cheshire and then went back to London and then signed up signed of adoption paperwork but it's a one it's a weird one because like I say I've met this guy who's claimed to be my dad since and he said to me it was a good thing you never came to London because you'd have been dead I said what do you mean he went one day we was all taking drugs in this house we was in so-and-so's house and we was all smashed out of our heads and she had a baby in a cot and he said we was all gouching and the baby was dead in the cot and I picked the baby up and the baby was blue this was his words picked the baby up the baby was blue I told everyone in the house the baby was dead that had been you that's what he said to me and I was like wow fucking hell who's baby this is what I mean he my my dad when I met him said that I would have been that dead baby if that was me because he was this is what happened he years before he'd been in a drug house with my adoptive mum I mean with my birth mum sorry my real dad and he was taking drugs in an house and the woman in the house had a baby and he what he said he woke up and the baby was dead in the cot and he picked the baby up blue and he went that had been you he's just made that up to make out I got a clue James if he made it or found out that's what he said to me he said lucky because that had been you so how did you how did you come across him well my aunt is um I've still been in contact with not been in contact with him but I think he turned up at my mum's funeral I assume it when my mum died many years before so I think he still had his details and his number and whatnot and um they contacted him to cut a long story short I'm sat there with him and he starts telling me that uh he used to call my mum every name under the sun for giving me away I used to call your mum every fucking name on dinner sat and I thought to myself why though is that a good thing is that something you're proud of calling my mum for giving me away you know what I mean like she must have been traumatized enough without you fucking pounding her edge you know what I mean and um I don't know if he's my dad to this day because what happened was the first very first time I met him I'm on the phone he's on the phone at first ever meeting just me and him talking and he starts talking about valium to someone and I know that I can get valium you know on the count of it my own near strange race prison um so I just start conversing I don't know what else to say to him basically James I just can't think of anything to say to him and out of conversation I just say um yeah you know you can I can get them them valleys they're cheap near me oh can you son okay oh yeah get me some get me some fucking phone me up a couple of days later how are you all right yeah have you got them tablets you got them tablets on the way to getting them tablets I lost 20 quid and knew that earth or the energy was just going to go foul I just knew someone was going to go pear shit but I let it happen and um he got into me on his compound in the gardens what me aunt he's got an house big house in the compound he's got in the compound went in the toilet got smashed out of his head I come sat back down in the garden with me and Kira and started telling us that he used to force guns to women in women's mouths and he's put guns to women's throat to force them to get take drugs and forces them onto the beat and he was a cunt back in the day and he still got women now and and he was telling me in my girlfriend these stories my Kira after he knows what she's been through and Kira just stood up and discussed them walked off and he went oh fuck you know I shouldn't really been saying that type of stuff to the shut down I mean not really know um anyway he's supposed to have come for the DNA test and he just let me down he's supposed to have come to me on his office for the DNA test one day went to the office I waited for him from two three four five six seven he never turned up I felt like a little kid again a little boy waiting for his dad you know what I mean he abandoned me again to this day I don't I do not know if that man is my dad or not because he never turned up for the DNA test do you want him to be your dad or no I don't really I don't the only reason I wanted him to be my dad is because he told me he's got a son and a daughter they were 10 years younger than me and apparently they don't want to meet me until they know that in is definitely my dad so we do a DNA with it too then but I don't know where they are and I never know who they're gonna be because he's fucked me off now he's just swerving me now he um you never know who's watching if you want to say his name I don't want to say his name it's no but I don't even know his name to be honest I don't know he gave me two names I don't know if his name's Eric or George there you go to the honest to God I don't know if the man's called Eric or George because that's what you told me two names so to this day you've never I've never found out if what your real name is so see coming from the broken home and you're in a crack then and you're being shot and you're in and out of prison see when you were lying mad with it did you ever just wish your mum or your dad would come and take you and say everything will be okay that's what I always thought would happen I always thought that um I'd be swept up and everything I'd be happy ever after I really did believe that you know what I mean um I always thought that I always knew that everything what I do was come back comes back round you know just this big karmic wheel that we all have to bear so I knew all the badness what I'd done had come back around but I'd never done anything bad enough to cause this you know what I mean I've such a a dramatic life you know a question why me yeah of course I question that a lot yeah but now I feel like I've been blessed by giving the opportunity to spread my story because it's your question why did they let me go why did they not fight and protect me but can you understand why your mum did give you up well you kind of went down that same path yeah can you imagine being a father you're on the cracking yeah and I can understand why she did it yeah especially he's the pain about it does yeah especially because I met my dad as well and he's still on drugs and that and he's still on the crack and he's still on the smack and that especially if he's talking about a dead baby then I know it could have been you it could have been me yeah that's what I mean I don't think he was lying when he said that you know what I mean I don't think he was lying I think he meant every word and then when he started saying that he used to get up my mum for giving me away I kind of made me cringe with him you know what I mean I kind of you know like why would you do that you know but like I say I'm playing kind of probably blindly bleeding loyal to mum you know what I mean I don't don't what I did nothing wrong said about it you know what I mean when you know where probably there's a lot of things to be said about really you know what I mean yeah because you don't know she went through her life and her upbringing and you know being in prison and being a runaway as well and well she never she never lived after that though she never lived after giving me away James she never married she never had a relationship proper no no other kids nothing every photograph I've got of her she's hugging other kids every single photograph did she ever get clean no she never got clean do you feel as if if you ever met her that you both could have got clean together is that ever a dream that would have been a dream yeah but I think to myself if I would have met her while I was on crack I'd have been smoking I'd have been I think I think it would have just all been just a drug a drug thing it would have turned into a drug thing you know what I mean because I was very kind with my crack me like if I made money I'd just go and find someone and take them smoke with me you know what I mean just give them pipe off the pipe fuck all and get bored of them you know what I mean fuck at my firm when were you at your loneliest um at my loneliest wow um I don't know I don't know if I've ever felt lonely aren't I I questioned I I gave myself a very very deep question when I was young and I said to myself I'm either part of everything and everything's part of me or I'm part of nothing and I have to be a part of something because I can't be a part of everything nothing do you know what I mean I've got to be a part of everything like the workings of the universe I've got a tip for me because if you don't them I don't know what I'm here for do you know what I mean um so I believe I've been put here for the reason to spread this message that no matter where you've been in your life and how low and how sad and dark it is you can turn it around whenever you want you can make things better you can tell yourself to that you can make things better you know self-talk is like having a conversation with the universe isn't it so the words are powerful yeah you are you are what you speak and I always repeat that stuff and if I can repeat it enough then maybe it'll sink into someone just be careful what you're talking be careful what you're putting into the universe and your prime example no matter how what age you are how fucked up your past is you can make changes to better your life you can even though it's 20 30 40 years around you can't cut your gems of course you don't you even if he's seven you can change that yeah there's people 70 80 90 learning new languages running marathons exactly yeah it's all down to how you believe it and putting that into action action is so important because we can all talk shit yeah and we all talk shit that's it yeah that's my job is to talk shit of course yeah I feel as if why does people buy into my shit talk yeah I genuinely do I think I'm a feeling everybody yeah do you know what I mean but I must be something and I'm just I'm not trying to find all the answers and all the keys to all the locks I'm just trying to find enough that people can get something from it to then have a better life yeah and I'm working on that okay I've changed this change this change this yes it's giving me a better life I'm flying but there's more to it there's a bigger package there's more to it you've got to put it on top of the fucking omelette oh yeah of course nice so mine's not finished yet my journey's not even started yet I mean I've just had to put my dad in a care home the one who used to beat me as a kid I've had to put him in a care home but it's funny because before I put him in the care home he was pissing and shitting and I'm off then to clean it after he used to beat me for pissing myself so when I used to we the we myself or we the bed I'd get a beating for it but then I've got to find that I've got to find that compassion so treating with respect and think or you know clean it up for him and it's all right dad's okay don't worry it's all right you know but to me you'd be like what are you doing boy I'll come here be shitting you're stinking and that's what I'd get you know I mean it's mad don't have life goes full circle you go out shitting yourself yeah and you go out shitting yourself that's it yeah it's crazy crazy man yeah so yeah that's exactly it yeah crazy so I've had to just on all his family it's like I've never had a relationship with these family really because I was on drugs from very young so they all kind of didn't want to know me anyway but all his family had just left me to do every last thing myself but yeah it is what it is story's not over yet um what's the worst thing you've seen in prison I watched someone's head get squashed in a duel dead in Nisla just someone told them a I Wolverhampton lad was all the tenor of some kid the kid didn't pay it and the kid's gone into sight and he had a little argument and he slammed the door on the kid's head on the way out is it the floor guys had to say in the door and he just went slam the door on the way out and just crushed his head in the door he's dead shout black blood on the floor on the landing um I watched someone's head get smashed with I watched a sinking forest bank get smashed with someone's head as well once like no he but no uh the shout had gone up that he was a nonsense about three lad just went on this fella and just smashed smashed a sink big marble sinks in that forest bank yeah if it was you don't you don't mind that but again that's a shout to put out in case he wasn't I don't know if he wasn't yeah because that happens a lot as well um yeah I was you know what uh jail for me was quite um quite the experience I mean I got nick for insight in the writing strange rays once some one of my co-d said to me my of course I've seen what get his bird off the phone me like a dick had picked up a metal stacking chair and I was smacking it against the stairs it's kicking off come on let's go lad hey and thought man their panic alarm went and I thought shit I was thinking the back of mine was like me was just cause that went behind me door got up six o'clock in the morning and just that felt my ears getting risen letters and I thought someone's holding my ears pure scoosa just got me and picked me up marched me to the plot charged me with um attempting to incite a riot in strange rays of all things fuck you know 28 dairy thorns blocking below the pedophiles flagging them for cigarettes it was a murder trying to get a cigar from all on this what's the worst thing about pleasant mouth you freed them you freed them it's nothing worse than you just being there unwind your thoughts and being away being a way that you just can't get there I mean strange rays is the worst because you can more or less say the nightlife of Manchester from strange rays and your freedom is what kills you the most breaks your heart do you feel as if that was the first time you had a family when you were in prison possibly yeah that's a funny that's a strange way of looking at it but yeah I guess it was my family uh there was my family in prison I mean I'd go to prison and the lads had searched me out like I've come on I win come on hey and about you know I mean because it was the loudest and the fucking brightest and the gamest that's the weakest yeah yeah it's the weakest yeah it's one of the most hiding the one hiding the most right do you feel it's mad because when you have addictions you feel like the loudness and the daftness is the mask the mask it's once you actually start changing so I can walk into a room now I can I know yeah I know yeah you know I feel it I know so I've been that clown I've been the circus I I don't mean best you're joining the circus and I've been getting paid yeah because the laughter and the daftness and the I don't give a fucking fella Charlie in the drink yeah it's all I'm broken it's a mask because you feel you're getting fired in people you're like I say it's a circus act big marvel do it yeah that's it do it you're smashing up brights and and fucking the whole first four months on end and you think it's it's great everybody's what a PC about people just know yeah you're up for it yeah you're getting used that's it mate yeah I know I know I quite I've got to understand that I've the way life works you know when did that understand and start to come quite recently really uh but you know I'm grateful for the journey what I've been on I mean I've been on some mad journey um I remember getting beat um I remember a kid running up to me smashing me had with a brick a few years ago because he'd give me drugs to sell and to see me in the other day in town it's funny and he's like wow do you remember that drugs it was like yeah man it was just about them when it was bang at it and it just felt like it was somebody else talking to me you know I mean even though this guy smashed me about with a brick like literally sniped me jumped out of a car and ran up to me and hit me out when he had with a brick I still fucking laughed with him and had a buzz with him and just thought wow you fucking madman but it's me who's the madman in it you know I mean for taking a walk around he had with a brick a few times for a bit of drugs um and don't get me started on that drugs talking issue because I've got a lot to say on that I mean keeping us keeping people slaves to it are they keep my league keeping it illegal and stuff the biggest organization brother the biggest man prison private prisons and money in the prison the money is slavery man yeah 40 grand 50 grand in mates per year yeah people working for buttons working for two three pound a day aren't you yeah it's slavery two pound a day talk about slavery's gone it's not gone it's still here private prison yeah man they're making money off the week yeah off the vulnerable addiction they've been prison no no drug addict should be in prison they need help no they've done bad shit we get it and we don't understand your story but 80 percent of kids who are how did they have on 80 percent of kids who are in prison come from a broken home yeah yeah yeah well that's it yeah and you know um you can't blame the drugs mate because it's everywhere isn't it the drugs are everywhere yeah I mean when I started when I tried crack it was that brand new you couldn't buy it after 10 o'clock at night from my estate I had to go and travel all all over Manchester to buy it you know what I mean like just there you know and that was just um people trying to win a few quid off it and like the dangers of it all right then you can go and buy alcohol which is danger can put alcohol on the table with weed and you show me which one danger you know what I mean every 99.9 people are gonna say the alcohol's the dangerous one out there but the cannabis is the legal one it's funny in it you know like you say it's just all money profits and business yeah man that's an alcohol is one of the biggest colors in men it kills 40 thousand every year it's cigarettes you've got vapes you've got everything that's even sugar sugars just to dig as well as you can get down a rabbit hole of it why it's there but again it's to suppress the human mind of thinking for itself yeah because if you're craving something you're free thinking goes yeah and that's the sad thing yeah when did you have a realization that you were fucking up that your life was lost you were a lost soul I was on spice what was spice like fucking spices like another planet to me yeah thank fuck mate I wasn't on it when spice was about my god man that spice was just something else mate and what happened mate because I know because I was lucky as fuck because I was in a cell with this scouser big up what his name is can't remember no when it come on the wings spice I got a big baller for this kid he meant man don't start doing it in lad like all these fucking muppets on the wing like just put a tiny bit in and see what it does to you and I put the tiniest amount in and sat there and I felt my arms like robo-copping like that's what it felt like my arms was just going you know it's just like the blood rushing through your body and I felt like robo-copping like wow this is great this fucking snong as fuck and then I'm getting it in the jail and then I get salt and I say to my missus fucking arm and fuck the crap now I'm smoking spice from no one I've had enough of the crap cheaper as well yeah and I never ever touched the crack again I smoked spice for about a year and a half two years it's still legal and it was cooking me from the inside out I mean I was I've waking up I've never knew what anxiety was I was waking up with anxiety like through the roof just having a mad attack couldn't breathe couldn't breathe couldn't speak just spinning round on my bed burning up like just sweating like buckets and buckets and buckets off the spice and my missus is falling in ambulances and soon as the air is on the spice like oh fuck it we're going on the sled they literally were just like what's up what's up then she goes smell that spice go fuck that we're gone and just leave you there and just go because they knew the spice was just giving everyone panic attacks and you couldn't buy it in Manchester city centre so I was going to this shop on the outskirts of Manchester saying to these guys give us some testers like they're going to take it to Manchester and give it the boys to try fuck you know so they're giving me little grand packets and then the more I'm getting into them the more friendly they'll be coming in the end they start selling me 20 grams three grams of spice for six pound fifter do you know what I mean and it was labeled up at 20 pound so I can buy three grand for six pound 50 so I was going every day I'm buying like 10 grams of spice taking testers into town giving people it and going home and smoking the rest and acting like a lunatic in the house because it was that strong I felt like my head was going to explode but stopped eating on everything else and I was going yellow then and my missus was saying to me math that is killing you that if any drug has ever been killing you it's the spice and I went I know I've got to stop it and then one day I just threw all of it in buckets of water and launched it I never touched it again and um touched what I've not touched anything again do you ever got rehab at any meetings no I went to N.A. but me like a dickhead I took crack to N.A. so I was smoking crack in the toilets before I was going into bleeding rooms you know what I mean so I felt bad about after the fact imagine how many people are triggered that's what I used to think you know what I mean but it was the only place I could smoke crack the woman misses and she wanted me to go N.A. so it was only three two hours I could get out of the day you know what I mean it's going to get a couple of pipes you'll get people who go to meetings to serve up yeah you will yeah because it's a fucking busy place isn't it everyone wants drugs there it's easy to be nappier and how was it coming off of everything it was quite easy you know to be honest um what you want now nothing now just a legal weed prescription that's a pain yeah that's all I take no yeah I don't drink alcohol or anything else any medication or other yeah I'm on medication yeah that's all that's all because I can see it in your eyes yeah you can see it in my head and everything yeah I'm on pain medications um what you're in pain I've got a spine disease um so I've got to take this medication twice a day I've got sciatica as well um it's okay this is scruciating pain down my legs you know what I mean so I'm on like 100 millimorphine morphine tablets which are very very strong you knock me out at night sometimes I can't even stay awake at night which is a difficulty but it's catch 22 because I've got a screaming pain all day all to take the morphine you know what I mean it's built up over the years I didn't want to take painkillers I was refusing them at first and the doctors are like look you need to manage your pain here you know what I mean I've just had a mad panic attack again I have these all the time what's that worth I think it's a spice I've never they've never stopped since I've been on the spice it tells me just take your coat off but it's not as easy as I thought do you want my window or anything and I saw that I'm good I gave them about 10 times a day these I've had since I started taking spice since I started using spice I get them about 10 times a day at the minute just where I'm at like I'm in a swimming bath just soaking up like that finger the other day one sort of how's your anger and stuff my anger's count it's calm I've never been an angry person me I can control that a lot you know what I mean like I'm not one for it in the Mrs and all that I've never been a violence would not be into violence and I've never done all that so I'm quite calm in that respect I think but yeah I can turn on a penny my finger can go through the roof very quickly you know I mean but yeah I'm quite a calm person I don't like hurting people you know I've never been I've never been a hater you know I mean I've always been like a lover type you know I mean Jane my missiles are tired I've never heard and all that you know I mean never used violence it's not me I'm she wears the trousers I don't I've talked to people about my problems but I've never really got into it too much this is my therapy I think just speaking like this yeah this is it yeah because it's a dark story mouth you know where it's yourself it's dark mate born in prison what chance you've got I don't mean that's the case of where does the guy go from here and then everything you went through you could understand if you were angry you could understand if you thought fuck this I'm taking cunts out with me I know I know people have asked me that why have you not just gone mad down sick and I just just not in me to do that you know I mean it's not in me to do that just not that kind of person yeah so how's life now life's good now baby's baby's nearly four and health wise it's not good I've got a frontal or brain tumor you know I mean what I get checked every year and they put this dye in my veins to see if the tumor's grown and if when it grows to a point where it's going to pop and it's going to do me in it is what it is but as you've yet it's not done that yet do you know I mean so every year I get that checked the pain in my back is what it is but I'm just living day to day you know I mean happy that I've found all my answers and my birth family got all the answers I need now I've got my family on to look after you know I mean but I close you off the family that you had yeah I mean yeah they've spoke to me and got got to know them a little bit and got to know my cousins and all that which is nice do you know what I mean how was it having a son did you ever was it ever a worry that you could have ended up like your dad or your mom not a disrespect but you know what I mean kind of down that route of in prisons an addict yeah give your son up yeah I've always thought that I would have went like that but thank god we've never um never been that that way you know I mean um I had a son when I was like 17 um never really got on I wish I could link up with him again you know I mean that's one of my biggest regrets you know not connecting with my son being on drugs when he was growing up now I'm not on drugs now you know I mean but now he's got a family of his own I don't think he want to know me now but my new son my little four year old nearly four is autistic got his own little issues you know I mean behavioral issues but we're just trying to give him as much love and attention as we can when affection yeah family's what it's all about how is that with having a son at 17 because it's a kingdom same patterns as your mom yeah it was same choose drugs over something family yeah yeah and she went she he he kind of um sided with his mom you know what I mean he sided with his mom because she's there though yeah she's there yeah so this is what people need to understand single mothers how hard that is and we talk about masculinity in men build the world in mind going through the women in it majority of men are in prisons the majority men are homeless the majority men are suicidal but as men have a fucking been pregnant have ever raised that son or a daughter alone have ever breastfed every hour ever trying to work two jobs while providing for a family we talk about men being strong women are stronger than men of course in my opinion yes men have got masculine and we need masculine I believe men are becoming soft as fuck we need to grow a set of balls of women on the other hand yeah they talk about men being strong that what women do to give birth is I can't I can't on it's how the body functions how everything functions and how the breasts grow to give how the umbilical cord is feeding the the baby nutrients and then giving birth and then having to feed the baby every hour hour and a half and the stresses it goes on the body the energy it takes women are strong man and as I'm learning that as I get older and understanding how birth and stuff works it's mind blowing in it it's unbelievable and women it's a blessing in life men and women need each other yeah but women are a lot stronger than what they should get credit for and they're a lot stronger than we give them credit for them I think so but there's actually a massive part now that you're becoming clean and understanding life where but if there's your son know your story my which one my youngest oldest oldest yeah my son knows it yeah he knows a bit of it yeah he knows a bit but we'll see if he comes round to my way of thinking I hope he does you know what I mean I just keep doing what you're doing and yeah that's it keep doing what I'm doing and plugging my story you know I mean and hopefully you'll understand you'll start understanding how hard it was for me you know I mean when he was growing up yeah when are you at peace have you ever been at peace I'm at peace with my son when I'm next to my boys I reckon I'll be at peace both of them next to me you know I mean hopefully you think that will happen yeah it'll happen it'll happen soon enough how was it the time's right yeah when are you're happiest um can you enjoy happiness with the medication you're on and the pain that you're in is there any can you be in a normal state where it's natural as it can be where you're in the present moment or as I'm looking kind of fuzzy with yeah I guess so yeah a lot of a lot of fuzziness yeah but I am present now I do focus a lot I do a lot of breathing techniques and stuff like that to try and bring me back to my senses you know what I mean try and stay in touch with my senses a lot you know how's your sleeping it's looking mad mad four bells and stuff I'm laughing because my sleeping shit yeah mine I'm up my mrs will go off her head but I'll go to sleep at 10 but then I'm up at half 11 yeah and that's me to four yeah and then I'll go up I'll go up at seven it's all kind of broken up yeah mine sometimes I'll get a great sleep mine's broken I'll get a great sleep sometimes and I'll wake up fucking tired yeah yeah that's me yeah yeah I'll sleep and the more the sleep the tighter they get yeah how's the relationship with your messes now good good I know she's got her own struggles is that correct yeah we both struggle yeah yeah it is it's hard but it's good we're working on the baby do you know I mean we focus on our baby we had a struggle keeping him social services jumped down our throats mate we had to cut big chunks of air offers and all that you know they thought I was a drug and they thought she was crazy you know I mean so they worked on us made us they thought she was taking drugs and then she had to prove that she wasn't I had to prove I wasn't taking drugs you know I mean they don't want a big air follicle sample test on us but that's a good thing as well brilliant that they are because I imagine being brilliant making us jump through oops to keep that baby mate you know I mean I was proud that we was gonna keep that baby the amount of things we did to keep that baby worked hard to keep that baby honest do they still keep tabs on you every month for a week no no no he signed us off within weeks he was he was through a right the way through a pregnancy excuse me right the way through a pregnancy and then soon as the baby was born he's seeing how she was doing right we want to get you off it straight away she was off it in weeks which was amazing you know what I mean four or five months she was done signed off the baby was four or five months old which was excellent in it yeah because like I say as much as a child services they can be cunts but also no I think the good yeah they're looking after babies are making sure that everything's run well because that's it people be giving birth because the human trafficking stuff now people selling kids and I know it's worse isn't it it's it's heavy stuff it's a big business it's very easy on the internet as well now isn't it it's a big business and fair play and that's how the UK we have got strict laws obviously listening laws are there to be broken in some ways but when it comes to protecting children yeah I love it there needs to be as strict as it can be gotta be on it's got to be because it's pleasant systems fucking terrible for sentences for sex cases do not mean that you're not getting punishment in prison I am it's too easy in it prison like you're only using your freedom that's the only thing you've lost nothing else I feel how was it doing your lad baby one of you it was quite good yeah it was quite hard to do hard all of them are hard to do you know I mean they're all hard to do but I push myself to do and then butterflies is what I search for you know I mean I think that's my drug now is them little butterflies but yeah a lot of a lot of the future is brighter than it would have been I'm glad I'm glad to be alive I thank my lucky stars I'm alive every day but I just don't know what reason they may fall yet yeah but again your book how was it right in your book born in prison make sure listen I'm going to leave a link in the description so make sure you support Marvin yeah he's trying to do the right thing support his family how was it right in your book so born in prison how I survive shooting stabbing prison crack addiction manchester gangs and dog attacks yeah my god mate I got I got I was fucking robbing drug dealers and robbing robbing punters again and got the gang members took me around I went around to a gang members there gang leaders fucking avenue where I got stuck in a car one day because I've been robbing all the shots on the estate and I got stuck and he put an English bull on me and it chewed me to fuck but that's not even the worst one the worst one of the police I was smoking cracking an empty building in the city centre one day the police have come and I've panicked they want you know for a shit I'm next so I'll try to hide and they put these big fucking hell station on me and it come and grabbed me from my leg here from my thigh and it pulled me out by my thigh took off my leg with it you know I mean big scars on my legs where it's big police dog ripped me to shreds how many times you've been stabbed a couple yeah I've got stabbed in my leg and I got stabbed here of my mate over bleeding um can of beer just couldn't buy him a can of beer he spoke a big knife on my side big massive hole in my side there but um luckily I didn't touch nowhere anything you know the mains and that any any body organs so a discharge but I didn't just dial that sign then went to the main reception went is this going to kill me love instead of a nurse and she had a look at me I'm going those fucks off I'm about smoking crack everything that you've been through and try to find answers try to find your family how was it when the kind of family thing kind of get put to bed and you try to become clean you try to become my dad it's been hard you know it's been hard trying to um just get everything right really just juggle everything I'm not used to it you know I mean I don't know how to build relationships I don't know how to keep relationships I'm not used to all that do not mean I'm just going with the flow here got a few lovely cousins you message me and you know everything's nice yeah because it's sad to you've never been shown love from the day you were born who's the first person to show your love my missus probably was that when you felt even because if I was in relationships if people gave me love I'd end them yeah I think it was not worthy of it or I think they're going to leave anyway so I'd rather deal with the pain now then yeah yeah well I've been and I've she's only moved second ever serious relationship anyway you know what I mean like my first one I got a baby out of it so then I got addicted to drugs so I didn't really have relationships you know what I mean for many many years and then just daft little so then when I got met Kira that was my second serious relationship so I've had two relationships on two kids out of both of them you know what I mean so not really not really knowledgeable in relationships as much and you know I mean how do you live skills how do you how do you keep in that relationship so long um just being loyal and loving I think and just you know looking after each other I mean because we've all looked after each other I mean she's been through some dreadful stuff things in her life you know why she never left you um I think because I'm such a nice person that's what she said why she hasn't because being on it and the fuck ops and the prisons it's an easy out for people yeah I know this relationship ain't going anywhere yeah I know I'm out yeah do you feel blessed to have some that it's the only person that's probably never left you yeah I'm very lucky yeah yeah of course very very lucky um she's been through her own struggles as well but yeah it's good yeah she's the only person who's never left me so far yeah how is it talking about your life you know it'd be tiring and it's hard it's not easy it's not easy but um it's therapeutic for me I feel like a benefit off it you know what I mean I feel like I'm power myself every time I do it you know what I mean and getting my story out there and people reading my story is really really good to know you know what I mean how was it writing about you nervous it's hard as hell yeah it's very hard lots of many many hours nights and nights and nights you know what I mean so I had a really good editor called Victoria and we have to send tons of information to you know what I mean and then she'd chop a bit off it and tell me what was important and what not you know and then she's sending me back and then we'd work together you know what I mean so I've got a hand it's a victory my wonderful editor for helping me get to where I am now yeah fair play man congratulations thank you where do you go forward for a future map what's the plans um you have big visions I have yeah I want to be telling the world my story and helping others and hopefully set up a charity you know what I mean to help abuse kids and stuff like that what about speaking in schools and all of that yeah speaking yeah but what I what are people um other survivors speaking because I've done my speaking now I'd rather have a group of others they were willing to talk you know what I mean yeah what's the biggest thing for someone to speak out what do you mean what what's the biggest thing that because like you say it took you nearly 20 years yeah you've got to I think I think what I'd urge people victims to go and report it now don't wait another minute and if and that secret shouldn't be shouldn't be chewing you up it should be chewing the abuser should be feeling it not you so you're being burned off that secret you know what I mean you let it burn you from the inside out don't go and report it now and see what happens see how free you get off it see how free you really releases you off it you'll see you'll feel it you'll feel released off it you know what I mean it'll set you free how can people contact you if they want to look for someone to speak to it I'm also available Instagram Facebook come there mate I'm there yeah anyone can message me anytime they want I'll always give them a minute if can anybody that it's in this struggle now we're battling with addiction what advice would you have for them you can get out of it straight away tell yourself don't be waiting for someone to tell you you don't need anyone to tell you you can tell yourself that you can change and you can get clean and your life will change you'll see it happen if you tell yourself you're gonna do it you'll do it and for anybody that's what about your book working about it and it's available on Amazon James 1099 999 available on Amazon or 499 on Amazon Kindle as well Mark listen mate I don't want to hold you back because I know you'll be tired mate but thank you for would you like to finish up on anything no no that's fine you're ready to roll mate yeah listen brother for coming on today and telling your story thank you very dark but I'm proud of you for trying to make the changes try to become a better person try to become a father it's not easy but you're doing it and like I say anything I can ever do in the future just drop me a message and I'll help you as much as I can listen all the best for the future thank you very very much mate God bless you thank you James cheers Mark cheers buddy thanks