 Good health to all from Rexall. It's the Phil Harris Alice Fay show presented by the makers of Rexall drug products and 10,000 independent Rexall family druggist. Good evening. This is your Rexall family druggist with a welcome from all 10,000 of us. The 10,000 independent druggist who have added the word Rexall to our own store names and placed the famous orange and blue Rexall sign on our windows. We've done that because we believe in the 2,000 or more drug products made by the Rexall drug company and we confidently recommend them to our customers. One of the most famous of these products is Rexall Milk of Magnesia. It's so pure, so mild, so creamy, smooth and free from that unpleasant earthy taste even a child can spot the difference. Quality like that is what we family druggist are talking about when we tell you you can depend on any drug product that bears the name Rexall. Good health to all from Rexall. And now your Rexall family druggist brings you the Phil Harris Alice Fay show written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Jeanine Ruse and with Phil, Walter Sharpe in his music, yours truly, Bill Foreman and starring Alice Fay and Phil Harris. Last week, Phil inadvertently acquired a year's contract with a female wrestler named Myrtle Nagersky, alias the Masked Mangler. A California state law prohibits women from wrestling, so Myrtle out of gratitude has insisted on earning her keep by working for the Harris's. She's moved in with them and as we look in, she is serving breakfast to the family. Now eat your weedies, little one. Go on. Go on. Eat them all, honey. And when you grow up, you'll be as big and strong as I am. But I don't want to be as strong as you are. I don't want to weigh 240. Now look, Myrtle, I've had three bowls of weedies already. Can't I stop? I don't want to be a champion. Well, I'll just keep eating. I'll tell you when to stop. How about you, Mrs. Harris? You only had two bowls. You better have another one. If you don't mind, I'd rather not. But you need the nourishment, dearie, while I look at you, you poor thing. Why, I never saw anybody so skinny. Well, I bet you don't weigh more than 145 pounds. Why, push on your bones like me. You want to have a body like mine? Gee, if I only could. You could. Anybody can build themselves up if they want to. You know something, I didn't always look like this. How'd you get hurt? To be so skinny. When I was 14, I only weighed 170 pounds. And when I was 10, I only weighed 135. And when I was born... I know you weighed 98 pounds stripped. Hey, I'm not the normal weight. I usually weigh in at 265. But now I'm all the way down to 240. Oh, you poor thing. You're nothing but skin and bones. No, skin and bones is right. I don't know what's holding me together. Maybe it's the fat. Myrtle, will you please bring the coffee in? Okay, Mrs. Harris. Oh, I wish you wouldn't walk so heavy. Every time she takes a step, my teeth rattle. I've never seen a dame so powerful. She's stronger than Remly's breath on a Saturday night. That's why we have to get rid of her. She means well, but she doesn't know her own strength. She breaks everything she touches. I want you to go in and tell her to leave. Who? Little old yellow-bellied me? Phil, are you afraid of Myrtle? What are you talking about? What do you mean me afraid of? How dare you even... Yes. And another thing, Phil. She's been teaching the children how to wrestle. They idolize her, and if we don't put a stop to it, she'll make a couple of ruffians out of them. Oh, now, wait a minute. It's not that bad. You forget that we've taught our girls to be little ladies, and they're not going to be affected by any... All right, all right, that's... Phyllis, what are you talking about? Where's your sister? Quiet! Nothing. Those are my bobby pins. She's thrown. Idiot, Leigh. Baby Alice, I want you to have your breakfast. Now sit down. Okay, Ralph. What do I get, the black or the white corner? I'll black the white corner her. Come here, you. I'll take you across my knee. Don't touch the gorgeous one. You... Sit down and eat your breakfast. Phil, you're going into the kitchen and tell Merton she's through right now. All right, all right. You insist I'll go in and tell her. What are you after, my insurance money? The guy can get killed that way. Uh-oh, save for the bell. I'll answer it. Oh, hello, Frankie. Hi, Curly. Hey, you look a little pale. What's the matter? Frankie, I'm about to go into that kitchen and commit suicide. Oh. I knew Alice was a lousy cook, but I didn't think she was that bad. Remly stopped saying things like that. Alice's lousy cooking has nothing to do with it. I mean... Well, it's about myrtle. And how is Ms. Nagursky girl moose? Well, she looks a little neater since we took her antlers off. She can get through the doors now. Look, Remly, I'm glad you're here because kids, you can help me. Look, myrtle and Alice don't get along together, and it's up to us to throw that dame out. Okay, you grab Alice by the shoulders. I'll grab her by the feet. Not Alice. Myrtle's the one we have to throw out. Curly, are you crazy? You realize Myrtle could take our two heads and crack them together like eggshells? Yeah. She could break every bone in our bodies. Cut it out! We gotta go in and throw Myrtle out, so come on. I know it's a tough job, but we'll do it together. Let's just gird our lions and go in. After all, I ain't afraid of no woman. Open that door. Myrtle! What do you want? Myrtle. You said that already. All right. Myrtle. Oh, look at how this boy had lived. Myrtle. You should try myrrh. The way you've taken over around here, this house ain't big enough for the both of us. So? So one of us will have to leave. So? So will you please come up and help me pack my bag? Watch the beef, Curly. Well, I'm just thinking of you. Myrtle, housework isn't for you. Oh, you think I ought to be doing something a little more dainty, huh? Well, yeah. You should be something that fits your personality. Like a sandhog or a steelman. Or a cornerstone for a skyscraper. Mr. Harris, we got a year's contract. And that contract says you've got to keep me busy. Now I don't care if it's in the house or out of the house, as long as you keep me working. Well, wait a minute now, Myrtle. Look, you mean if I find you a job someplace outside that you'll take it? Yeah, all right, if you want me to go. You're a hat and coat Myrtle, let's be on our way. Look, Remly, this is a cinch. All we got to do is to find somebody else to hire. Yeah. Well, don't stand there, Rem. Out with it, out with it. Out with what? Now is the time to know a guy. Don't be silly, Curly. I wouldn't wish her on anybody. Besides, I don't know anybody I dislike well enough, except Mr. Scott of Rexall. Curly, I know a guy. Scott? Yeah, yeah. Sure, a lot of Rexall stores put people on for the Christmas rush. Maybe we can get her a job we want the independent Rexall druggist, huh? Yeah. All right, come on, Frankie. Now, let's get Alice and we'll take Myrt down to see Mr. Scott. You know something? I troubled her over. I don't know why I'm afraid of Myrtle. Was the preacher afraid of the bear? What preacher and what bear? I'm glad you asked that, Billy Graham. Just happened to have two courses explanation. A preacher went out walking, was on one Sunday morning. It was against his religion, but he took that gun along. He shot himself some mighty fine quail and one little measly hare. But on his way he turned and home he met a great big grizzly bear. Now the bear got down in the middle of the road on all fours like a great big toad and looked at preacher right square in the eye and a preacher looked at him and said, bye-bye, preacher got up, took out the run, the bear right after that preacher did come and he run and he run for about a mile and the preacher sat down and rested a while. Preacher got up, started again, bear right after him with more dim and he ran and he ran till he spotted a tree said, up on the limb is the place for me. Bear reached up and made a grab for him, preacher leaped and he made the limb, pulled himself up and turned about, cast his eyes in the skies and he did shout, Oh Lord, you deliver Daniel from the lion's den, also deliver Jonah from the belly of the whale and then the brute chill of the pirate furnace so the good book do declare, yes, Lord, if you can't help me for good and sake, don't help that bad. Now just about then that limb let go and the preacher come tumbling down, reached in his pocket, pulled his razor out just before he hit the ground, he hit the ground with an awful bang, it was a terrible sight, that preacher and the bear with the razor in his hair just to cut and left and right, they rolled around on the ground, the preacher was up and then he was down, the bear let out an awful moan like the preacher was holding his own, said if I get out of here alive with that good book, I will abide, I'll never sin on sight, but day and Sunday come I'll pray and pray and tube the heavens, he did glance and Lord just give me one more chance than his to spend this game away and he knocked that bat ten feet away, preacher got up, made a bound for the tree where he'd be safe and sound, pulled himself up and turned about, cast his eyes in the skies and he did shout, Oh Lord, you deliver Daniel from the lion's den, also deliver Jonah from the belly of the whale and then the Hebrew chiller for the fiery furnace so the good book do declare, yes, Lord, if you can't help me for good mistakes, don't help that bat. So try to be gentle and ladylike, huh? Yes, please try and be gentle and ladylike and whatever you do, don't shake hands with them. Every time you shake hands with somebody, their fingers drop off like ripe bananas. Hey, there's Scott over there by the counter. Hi, Scottie. How are you? Oh. If it isn't Remley, nature's biggest blunder. What are you doing here? He came down with us, Mr. Scott. Oh, Mrs. Harris, it's a pleasure to see you. Aren't you going to say hello to me? Well, Mrs. Remley, too. You sure picked yourself a fat one left in? Oh, no, uh, Mr. Scott, she's not his wife. You see, she belongs to us. She came to live with us last week. Oh, your mother-in-law. Mrs. Harris, you certainly have a beautiful mother. This is not my mother. Oh, oh. Well, then you certainly have a handsome father. Big sense of humor, hasn't he, Remley? He leaves me cold. Mr. Scott, this is Mrs. Nagursky. We came down to see if you could please give her a job. Alice, don't plead with him. Let me handle this. Scotty, she's on your payroll. She is not on my payroll. She better be, or I'll tell her to snap her foot and break every showcase in the place. All right, then, let's try that. Look, Mr. Scott, maybe you could use her as a sales girl. Well, why am I? I'll tell you what, we'll try her behind the counter for a while, and if she works out, she's got a job. Now, Mr. Nagursky, just step behind the counter, please. Oh, thank you, Mr. Scott. That's all right, Mrs. Harris. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to find Mrs. Scott. She's shopping around here someplace. Is your wife here? Say, I'd like to meet her, Scotty. I heard a lot about her, but I never had the pleasure of meeting her. Let's keep it that way. Gee, I never met her either, Scotty. I'd like to say... Some other time, Harris. I'm a little late now. Excuse me, please. Oh, I hope I didn't make a mistake hiring someone Harris and Remly recommended. Oh, well, if she doesn't work out, I can always fire her. Hello, Clyde. Hello, Cora. Well, what's the matter with you, dear? You look a little peeked. Have you been under a strain? Yes. Yes, I've just been talking to Remly and Harris. They wanted to meet you. Now, look, Cora, if you happen to see them, don't introduce yourself. Oh, well, I doubt if I'll run into them. I've done most of my shopping. I just have to stop at the Perfume County. Then I'm on my way home. And don't forget, Clyde, we're having dinner out tonight. Yes, dear. So get home early so we can get drinks. Yes, dear. Bill, this isn't going to work out. Myrtle's had three customers in five minutes and lost every one of them. She hasn't made a sale and Mrs. Scott's sure to fire her. Now, honey, honey, honey, don't get upset. Look, you go over to the soda fountain and get a Coke or a Stinger or something. Frankie and me will stay here with Myrtle and we'll help her. Don't worry about it. I'm sorry I upset Mrs. Harris, but I can't help it if the customers didn't buy anything. If they say they don't want nothing, what am I supposed to do? Well, you can't just take no for an answer. You've got to use salesmanship. Apply a little pressure. Pressure? Yeah, that's right. There's nothing to it, Myrtle. Look, selling perfume is a cinch. Now, look, Myrtle, let us wait on the next person that comes in and I'll bet anything I can sell the next customer. I'm the next one here. All right, never mind what we're doing here. Never mind. I just heard you. You just said that you bet I couldn't sell you something. Well, I'll bet you five bucks I can. It's a bet. Wait a minute. You've got something in mind to buy, haven't you? Yeah, I've got something in mind that I'm very anxious to buy it, but you ain't going to be able to sell it to me. Why not? Now, you're not playing fair. If you tell me what you want, I'll sell it to you because Rex all handles everything. Okay, I'll play fair. That's better. Now, what do you want to buy, your girlfriend? Very well, sir. If you'll just step over to our secondhand ferry boat with Whitewall Tires Department, we'll wrap one up. Frankie, will you cut that out? Now, don't get wild, Julius. Be reasonable. Okay. Paying off that bet until you give me a sensible answer. All right. I got you now, kid. I got you. Because we got perfume that goes with any kind of personality. We got perfume for blondes, perfume for brunettes, perfume for redheads. Now, what's your girl? She's bald. You're wasting your time trying to sell this kid anything. He couldn't sell nothing to nobody. Maybe not to you, but I could to a human being. Perfume is a cinch to sell a woman. Why, perfume is a romantic item. All you have to do is to flatter them a little and then... Of course, me, miss. May I see some perfume? Keep your shirt on, sister. I'll be right with you. Wait a minute, girl. Wait a minute. Say, Julius, if I sell this woman, is our bet still on? Yeah, yes, though. Okay, watch closely. Merton, you'll see an old master at work. May I please be waited on? Ah, bonjour, monsieur. Eat easy, please. It is a pleasure to serve a lady who has such a beautiful face and such a charming entourage. May I see some perfume? Most assuredly. Something to attract the opposite sex, no doubt. How about a dram of manhunt? You see, that'll get them any time, even out of season. And it's great for attracting young men. I don't want to attract young men. Then how about an ounce of ancient ardor that attracts old men? How about a... Curly, you're going to need help. Lady, allow me to suggest a perfume that will blend with your personality. Let me study it. I know just the thing to enhance your brunette beauty. I'm a blonde. Oh, pardon me, I was looking at the roots. Thanks for your help, kid. Madame, I have just the thing for your blonde beauty. It's gardenia. I don't like gardenia. Madame, let us not quibble. Let me put a little behind your shell-like ear. Please. I don't want any behind my shell-like ear. Try some behind your other ear. Don't want to shape like a clutch. Oh, he said that your ear was shaped like a... like a schmetzel. You see, a schmetzel is a rare delicate shell found in the lower antipodes. You sound like you know what you're talking about. Lady, now you see you might not like the ordinary gardenia, but this is different. It is so seductive. No man can resist it. Here, let me show you. Let me put a drop behind your ear. No, I don't want it. Just a drop, just a there. Frankie. Yeah. Smell the lady. See what happened. Yeah, okay. Yeah, she smells very nice, but... Ah, you beautiful creature. I love you madly. Fly away with me. All right, Remly. Wait a minute. It ain't that powerful. It smells nice, but... I wouldn't say that it... I'll leave him calling and come with me. We'll fly away together to some enchanted South Sea island. Some romantic spot where the palm trees sway. Any night, any day. Oh, now wait a minute, lady. Wait a minute. Please don't get excited. Don't call Mr. Scott. That old goat has no sense of humor. What? Look, all I want you to do is to just smell the perfume. I don't want to smell it. Please. I don't want to. Oh, she's getting tough. Well, step aside, Mr. Harris. I know how to handle them when they get tough. Look, sister, my friend said smell it. Myrtle, let go of her neck. Dude, what did you put on her? A double Gretchen? Oh, Myrtle, look what's happened. She's passed out. You told me to apply pressure. Oh, Frankie, how is this poor woman? Ah, she's all right, Curly. She just fainted from fright. Well, we better get this dame out of here. If anybody sees what we've done, we're dead. Now, come on, help me pick her up. We'll prop her between us and then we'll walk her out. Okay. All right, I got it. All right, careful now. We don't want to... Oh, there you are. Well, Harris, how is Mrs. Nagersky doing it? What's this? What happened to that woman you were holding up? Did she faint or something? Oh, no, no, no. A Christmas shopper. He's got a snoot fall. I'm going to think this would happen in one of our stores. Get her out of here before anybody else. Wait a minute. She looks familiar. Let me lift her face up and see. Cora! Do you know this lush? Oh, this can't be. Cora never touched a drop in her life. How could she get drunk? Beginner's luck, I guess. Why, who is this dame? This dame happens to be my wife. Your wife? Oh, no, Mr. Scott, it wasn't our fault. You see, well, I... Well, you better take her, Scotty, and don't worry with tenderness. This sort of thing can be cured. Don't blame her, Curly. Don't blame her. He probably drove her to it. Oh, take good care of her, Scotty. She's just fainted on as she is. We've got to go now. Remly, Myrtle, come on, let's get out of here. Hey, hey, so long, Scotty. Come back here, Harris. What happened to this? Cora, Cora, speak to me. Say something. Oh, if I find out that Remly and Harris are responsible for this, I'll... I'll... I'll... I'll... What am I getting sore about? This is the first time she's been quiet in 20 years. Myrtle will be back in just a moment. But first, here's your Rexall family drug. Along about now, the big question in a mother's mind is, what will I give the family for Christmas? How right you are. And one of the finest year-round gifts she alone can make is one she perhaps hasn't thought of. What's that? Protection for her family against possible vitamin deficiency. I'm afraid I don't understand. Well, ma'am, most families are finicky. Dad doesn't like this. Junior hates that. And Susan has a horror of something else. And mother just naturally cooks to please them. That makes everybody happy, but it does invite vitamin deficiency. Oh, what are you going to do then? Why not supplement the family diet with plenumins? Rexall's handy little multivitamin capsules. They give you more than the daily minimum requirement of every vitamin for which such requirements have been established, plus valuable liver concentrate and iron. Oh, what do you call them? Plenumins. Rexall plenumins. The daily dosage is individually sealed in airtight metal foil. You just break it off day by day, and the remaining capsules stay completely protected. Sounds wonderful. And why not, ma'am? You can depend on any drug product that bears the name. Rexall. Good health to all from Rexall. When you spoke to Myrtle and she still refuses to leave. That's right. You probably weren't forceful enough. Oh, the heck I wasn't. I walked into the kitchen, drew myself up to my full height and looked her square in the stomach. Then I said, look, Myrtle, you've got to leave our house or I'll be forced to forget that I'm a gentleman and eject you bodily. She didn't even answer. She just smiled and patted me on the cheek. What did you say? Nothing. I was too busy crawling around the floor looking for my teeth. This program was produced and directed by Paul Phillips, included in today's cast were Lois Corbett, Martha Wentworth, and Gail Gordon. The part of Frankie Remley was played by Elliott Lewis and Julius was played by Walter Tetley. Alice Faye appeared through the courtesy of 20th Century Fox. Winter coals often have a pesky running mate, a dry hacking cough. When that happens, try Cherisote, Rexall's famous cough remedy. Pleasant tasting Cherisote brings double action relief, soothing irritated membranes and helping to loosen the cough. But if your cough persists, be sure to see your doctor. Ask for Cherisote at the store with the orange and blue Rexall sign on the window. And remember, you can depend on any drug product that bears the name Rexall. Sam Spade, then two great stars on Theatre Guild, follow immediately on NBC.