 There's a writer and actor strike going on right now in Hollywood and it kind of sparked some old flames, an old memory of mine, and that's of a time when everyone thought they could be a writer on a film called Alien 3, a movie that almost went out of its way to piss off every single person that watched. With multiple rewrites and reshoots, different directors coming and going, and an actress on the verge of insanity because nothing's getting done. Maybe I'm being a little dramatic, maybe I'm not even being dramatic enough. Let's dive into Alien 3 as I recap the film in its entirety from beginning to miserable end. And no, this isn't the assembly cut, this is the theatrical release, the one that we were all punished with. So right out of the gates, I'm sad. The 20th Century Fox logo comes up to remind us of Better Days. A smattering of shots of space itself, pretty standard stuff really. But there's also a myriad of images of Ripley and her crew, the survivors from the last film, just kind of sleeping it off. But oh wait, wait, is that a facehugger? Where? How? How did that get on here? Aren't we in an escape ship? We have some crappy slow motion, explosions, a few shots of some of the crew members dying from the last movie, Newt of course dead, Hicks is a goner, and wait, what? What? They killed off the survivors from the previous entry after they just struggled to get out alive. They're unceremoniously killed off. I'm a big fan of where this is going, said no one. Ripley, unbeknownst to her, gets thrown into a scape pod, she's jettisoned to a completely different planet. She crash lands on a planet called Fiorina 161 by Urana, Fiorina, paprika. Let's just call it prison planet because that's essentially what it is. Status report from a computer confirming that Hicks and Newt are in fact dead. Bishop out of commission as well, short for commission. You know who did survive though? Facehugger, and surprisingly this franchise. Now we cut to a ball dude with a stupid voice announcing to some prisoners, some inmates, because I guess this guy is the warden, that there is a woman amongst them. This gets them all hot and bothered because they haven't seen a girl in a long time. Thankfully for them or maybe the opposite of whatever that is, they took a vow of celibacy. There's not going to be any sticking things into other things on this planet, not even into each other's things. Because in their lord and savior's eyes, that's a big no-no. At the sick bay, Ripley is informed that her crew members, they didn't make the cut. They didn't get out alive. The doc informs her that she's the only woman on this planet. It's a complete sausage fest here, and none of these guys have seen a woman in years, so. Buckle up. And this is really gonna set the tone for what's to come in this movie. We're gonna see Ellen Ripley completely miserable from beginning to end. Never cracks a single smile. Never has a chuckle. She is just down on her luck, down on everything. Everybody she knows, everybody that she loves is dead. She's stuck in this shithole with a bunch of a-holes. It's not a good situation, and she's gonna make the worst of it because, spoiler, there's an alien on this bitch. There's an alien in this bitch, too. But we'll get there. We spend a few moments with Spike the dog. I think his name is Spike. Someone calls him something, but I can't really hear them. They all talk quietly in this film. The takeaway from this scene is he appears to have been lashed pretty bad. He's got cuts and scrapes and nicks all over. The face is just atrocious. Ripley wants to check out the morgue, so she goes there with some buds to make sure that her friends are in fact dead, and what actually killed them. That's really the takeaway. It's not so much to say goodbye, friends. It's to see if there's anything being housed inside the carriages. She demands an autopsy, but Dr. Jonathan Clemens, played by Charles Dance, begs to differ. She makes up some Kakamemi excuse that the girl has cholera. He eventually gives in, and we are treated to a scene where he viciously rips into the lifeless husk of this once smiling cute little girl, Newt, from the last flick. What a treat for everyone. She's thankfully xenomorph and gingivitis free, but the doctor wasn't convinced that was the problem at all. The warden pops in for a look-see and decides to inform Ellen that the prisoners are all rapists, pedophiles, just all around unsavory individuals. So again, bon appetit. He did also inform her that they found faith, which may help keep their dirty deeds dundered cheap at Michael Bay, but for how long, you know? But for how long? We're now at a good old-fashioned body-burning party for Newton Hicks. Because let's be honest, killing them and ripping open their husks wasn't quite enough. I want to see them burn, too. The dude who wrote this final script must have absolutely hated these two characters. I don't want to just kill them. I want to rip their bodies open and then burn them. That'll show them. That'll show them all. Leonard Dillon gives an uncomfortable sermon. While that's happening, we get to find out how old Spike got those scars. A xenomorph youngling rises from his remains in a pretty badass bloody shot. Mirror wipe transition to a now freshly shaven Sigourney Weaver. Downgraded the hair but thankfully got rid of that vicious pink eye. That was unsettling. Leonard already starts talking about faith with Ellen. This guy's gonna annoy the fuck out of me, isn't he? Middle-aged Eleven from Stranger Things is having a conversation with her doctor. Now a dude is cleaning a giant air duct thingy-mabobber. It's a large area that he's in. He's mopping or something and he notices some gross skin stuff on the ground. He steps in. He's like, ew, yuck, eerie. It's ironic because he doesn't look any better. The guys in this movie are disgusting. Anyway, he gets a face full of acid which leads him to a tuck and roll into a freaking blade by a giant fan. The dude got taken out like he was in a Mortal Combat stage fatality. We cut to Clemens, treating Ripley with one final prescription. His penis. Just what the doctor ordered. That's right, these two already banged it out. But he hits it and quits it as he's called away to find out what happened to the janitor. The warden is furious with Clemens for letting the woman out of the infirmary. She was supposed to stay there until she was rescued. He then hands Clemens a glass of what I'm hoping is chocolate milk but is more likely his own feces. It looks like a glass of shit. Ellen heads to the junkyard, which could be confused with literally any place in this movie because it's all trash. And she finds her best friend Bishop. She also unfortunately finds several unsavory individuals. Holt McCalley from Fight Club is there to get his rape on. Robert Paulson even does a primal yell. Thankfully the janitor from Rudy shows up to save the day and that is when the best scene of this movie takes place. The freaking right hook Sigourney Weaver throws at this bozo is awesome. And you know why it's awesome? It's because she's a strong female lead. And quite frankly for this planet, it's about time. The prisoners are now patrolling the facility with sparklers. It is now apparent that none of them have seen the inside of a shower. This is such a dirty, scummy looking movie. Finally the mighty xenomorphon power ranger shows up and takes care of some business. One of the idiots is taken out and another is picked up by his tattooed forehead and ripped to shred. Some of the blood sprays on his body for what I can only describe as the perfect money shot. Ellen Ripley is able to revive Bishop who much like her in previous days has one hell of a bad eye infection. I'm not gonna lie friends. I don't think he's gonna fully recover. Over in the infirmary, bloody face McGee is throwing a fit about what he saw. Dylan believes him and as an aside he is acting his heart out. The warden meanwhile is being an absolute bitch about all of this. He smugly recaps the events of the previous two films in front of Ripley before dismissing all of it entirely. He then tells her all the prisons on an honor system and doesn't have a single weapon. Seems like a good idea. This boring ass movie comes to a screeching halt as Clemens has to tell us all about his dumb morphine addiction and his seven-year stint in prison. If only that fucking xenomorph had shown up five minutes sooner we could have avoided this whole thing. Regardless, thankfully he gets his brains blown through the front of his skull and we're off to the races. The alien then skulks over to a frightened Ripley. This is exactly how he walks by the way because the effects aren't just trash right here. Behind the scenes show that this was done using some puppeteering that they rotoscoped by hand into the scene. Not a great idea. It's followed by a really great shot though. Easily the best of the film where Ripley's freaking out and then he shows up on the side of her and he goes and then he backs away. She's like, the fuck? He spares her but why? We'll find out. We'll find out in act two. The men are once again bickering like hens about what to do with the situation they find themselves in. We're at the hour mark of this movie and this is when my 11-year-old son Connor gets up and bounces. He's done. He's seen enough. He watched the first two movies in their entirety and this one he said, you know what dad? I'm good. I'm perfectly good and I respect that but I pushed on. They devise a plan to lead the xenomorph out. This goes wrong almost instantaneously as one of the dumbasses drops his flair. Boom goes the dynamite and this place is lit up like the 4th of July. Needless to say everyone's pretty bummed out about what transpired. They start fighting. They start yelling and of course they're sweating profusely. This whole movie is nothing but sweat, shit, and an orangish brown color palette. Nothing pleasing on the eyes here. This is directed by the brilliant David Fincher. He's done some of my favorite movies ever and he has beautiful visuals. This first experience was miserable for him and it's miserable for the viewer. He does not like this film. He doesn't ever want to talk about this movie. I mentioned the assembly cut. He had nothing to do with it. He walked away. He washed his hands from this mess. Let's keep going. Ripley's feeling a bit peckish at this point. She wasn't feeling great earlier but now it's really coming to a head and she has to get it checked out so she does an ultrasound in one of the ship pods. She thinks she's got a fracture but it's actually something much worse. It turns out there's a baby on board. It's gonna blow out of her just like it does everyone else at some point. Ripley's still laser focused on the cause. She knows that when this baby bursts out it's gonna be up for grabs and the military that are coming to rescue her really are only interested in that for a weapon of mass destruction. So she wants to get on the horn and tell them not to come but it's too little too late JoJo. The MedVac team is only two hours away. Ellen went to the basement to meet her baby's maker and possibly get a DNA test while she's there. If time permits she could also maybe look for a fucking explanation as to how a giant queen alien was able to sneak onto that small escape ship in between movie two and three and plop down a big old egg sack for that face hugger to sleep in. I mean how is it fitting inside there first off? When did this happen? How did they not notice it? Moving on. It's at this time she and the crew decided to give it one last ride. All they have and they're gonna put themselves up as bait. They lure the angsty alien down a series of corridors and this is all shot with some pretty ugly camera work. I do not like this follow go pro style alien shot. I do not like it's Sam I am. We have more atrocious green screen rotoscoping shots going on with the alien. The scene goes on far too long and I think this is the point where Fincher is just like fuck it let's get it done. My favorite part is one of the prisoners dies and Ripley and the other guy are like let's back away let's just get out of here and the angsty teenage xenomorph comes out he's like and he grabs the dude by what looks like his dick and pulls him in. Pretty funny. Pretty funny stuff. And just when I didn't think this movie could get any more orange we enter the final act. It's orange ageddon. It couldn't get any more orange if it tried. After Dylan gets absolutely wrecked in a small little hall Ripley then pours a literal ton of shit on top of the xenomorph. Not even a flaming hot Cheeto should be able to survive this heat right? WRONG! But unbeknownst to the xenomorph that's only half the plan because they're about to T-1000 his ass. Now comes down the water. This must have been the stored water that none of the prisoners ever used once to shower. The xenomorph snap crackles and pops out of existence in a explosive death but unlike the T-1000 this liquid metal is infusing back together. He won't be back. At that very moment the rescue team plops down led by Bishop? What? But the model of this android is human. That's right he modeled those after himself and he's trying to convince Ripley that he's a good dude. He just wants to help her and kill the baby alien inside. But she's not buying what he's selling. She found faith on this planet so she's not going to let that pro-choice bastard take her baby away. Bloodyface McGee quickly helps her get away by slowly moving the platform back. And now we enter the second Terminator 2 ending. Self-sacrifice. Ripley slow motion jumps backwards into the magma or the fire-burster thing that's going up in the air. I don't know what these things do. I don't know the practicality of them even. Alien Xenomorph baby tries to get away. She grabs it two hands, puts it in close, and together they cheesily disappear into the fires below. Hasta la vista baby. Indeed. Indeed. The movie ends appropriately enough with a crappy computer message saying end of trans manshan. End of a franchise really. This is pretty much the end game. Alien Resurrection would come out quite a few years later and try to rebuild this bear. And I don't mind that movie. I know a lot of people hate it. They say it's the worst of it all. It's like a schlocky B movie action flick. I don't have any really. I found it entertaining. I found it zany. I found it completely ridiculous. The baby alien at the end. It's like fully grown mama mama. It's sucked out the airlock. She's crying. It's just complete insanity. Maybe I'll do that one in the future in these longer form rants. People seem to enjoy me doing these movie breakdowns. I have a fun time doing them. Let me know what you want to hear next. Put it in the comment below. Like this video if you had some fun. Please subscribe if you're new to the channel. I post a lot of movie content each and every week. I try to give a lot of different styles. We got YouTube shorts. I got a podcast. I have live streams. I have longer form video, shorter form video, little bit of everything. All on movies. If you really like what I'm doing and you want to secure one of these movie rants, please join me on patreon at patreon.com slash adam does movies. There's different tiers and at the top one you can actually request a movie rant just like this. You can also become a member on YouTube via the join button. It works exactly the same way. Any support is very appreciated. End of transmission.