 Kraft presents the Great Gilder Sleeve. Kraft Cheese Company makers of Parquet, Margarine, and a complete line of famous quality food products presents Harold Perry as the Great Gilder Sleeve. Kraft brings you the Great Gilder Sleeve every week at this time, written by John Whedon and Sam Moore with music by Claude Sweeten. We'll hear from the Great Gilder Sleeve in just a moment. And that's our moment to tell you about a spread that tastes so good. It's a flavor first choice with millions of American families. It's that spread for bread with the fresh, delicate flavor, Parquet Margarine made by Kraft. Once you've tasted Parquet, you'll find out why it's known coast to coast as the spread that always tastes so good. But don't just take our word for it. Get a package of Parquet Margarine from the dealer who sells you Kraft quality food products. Let your own family be the judge of Parquet's fine, fresh flavor. See if they too don't call Parquet the spread that tastes so good. And remember, Parquet is tops in food energy value and has 9,000 units of important vitamin A in every single pound. So be sure to buy Parquet, P-A-R-K-A-Y. The nourishing spread that tastes so good. Parquet Margarine made by Kraft. Let's join Gilder Sleeve and his little family in Summerfield. Bertie's in the laundry doing some ironing. But the rest of the family, well, they're all outdoors and who wouldn't be on a day like this? The sun is bright, the grass is green, the earth is warm and good to lie upon. And Leroy's lying upon it, chewing a blade of grass and watching his uncle, who's out near the back fence building a pig pen for Leroy's new pet. Stop watching me, Leroy. And Margery, she's giving the pig a bath. Yes, sir, she's got a tin wash tub and she's down on her knees beside it. Tiger, I won't let you drown. Get in there, Tiger. What happened? He fell in. Listen, that's a valuable pig. It's not my fault. He squirms. You'd better dry him off before he catches cold. Bertie, have you got a towel? I'd better let me hold him, Marge. Oh, I've got him now. But he feels more comfortable with me. Well, be careful. Who's me? Oh, I shiver in the poor little fish. Snuggle up to Uncle Leroy. Here's a towel for him, Leroy. Oh, good. Nice and warm. I just ironed it. He handed him to me, Leroy. You know how to hold him? Well, I should. I held you when you were two days old. Gave your bath every day till you're five. And he hasn't had a bath since. Very funny. Here, Bertie, grab him. Come here to me, piggy. Come here, Bertie. Look at him. He's so little and round. Look how he wrinkles up his snout. Would you, would you, would you? Oh, I love his skin. It's so pink. And look, it's baggy in the seat. What's going on here? We just gave him a pig of bath, honk. Well, how'd he like it? He hated it. Yeah, I could have told you that. How do you come with pigsty, Miss Gilsey? Pigsty? Well, it turned out to be more work than I anticipated, Bertie. Very difficult wood. The nails refused to go in straight. But after all, it's only a pigsty. We ought to make it a deluxe pigsty. Maybe we could paint it white, colonial maybe, with a little striped awning out in front for him to lie under. Marjorie, we're going to have a spoiled pig on our hands if we don't watch out. That pig has got to learn to fend for himself. Let him learn his responsibilities early in life. After all, I was only 13 when my father took me aside and said... Hey, cheese, it's the police. Huh? Where? It's Chief Gates. Well, hello there. Oh, hello, Chief. Hmm, what have we here? A pig. So I see. His name was Tiger. Tiger, eh? What's on your mind, Chief? Well, as a matter of fact, it's in regards to the pig. Oh, what about it? I don't like doing this, Commissioner, but, uh, we've had a complaint. A complaint about what? About you keeping pigs. Listen, who made that complaint? That is neither here nor there. Well, I want to know. I'm sorry, Commissioner, but I'm not at liberty to divorce the name. Oh, you're not. Well, look, Chief, I'm a taxpayer here, and if a charge has been made against me, I have a legal right to know the nature of the charge. The charge is keeping pigs. It's against the zoning restrictions. Zoning restrictions? I never knew they had any. Uncle Mark, what does he mean? Well, as I say, I'm just as sorry as I can be, but I'm afraid the pig will have to be disposed of. Uncle Mark, you aren't going to let them talk. Just a moment, children. They can't take my pig, Uncle. They can't. No, no, Leroy. Well, I raised that pig from a baby. He did. Come here. Well, you see? See how it is, Chief? The children are very fond of it. Commissioner, right sooner, cut off Moan, right arm, but the law's the law, and the law is no pig. She's not a pig. He's a pet. In the eyes of the law, he's a pig. Listen, why don't you mind your own business? You're right. Yes, why don't you do something useful instead of coming around and bothering people about their pigs? Well, I might. No, kiddies. I want you to understand this is none of my doing. It is so. Now, let's be reasonable, Sonny. When you come right down to it, what real difference does it make to the pig, whether you eat him now or six months from now? Eat him? Well, sure. Never heard of roast-sucking pig? Well, it's delicious. You'll like it better than turkey. Oh, Sonny. You'll kill my pig, and I'll kill you. Leroy. I will. Chief, I mean, don't get upset. You just go in the house with Marjorie and let me handle this. My boy, take him inside, my dear. Come on, Leroy, let's... Marsh Commissioner, I didn't mean to start anything like that. Well, you have started it. What's more, I'm not going to get rid of the pig. This is my property, Chief, and I'll keep pigs here if I want to. Now, there you're putting me in a very difficult position, Commissioner. Much as I dislike to, I'm afraid I'll have to get a court order. Okay, you get it. Go ahead. And when you do, you tell him I'm going to fight it. Yes, by George, I'll fight this thing all the way to the Supreme Court and back again. I asked you, Marjorie, who would do a dirty trick like that? Complain about a little pig. I can't imagine. Spite. That's what it is. Pure spite. Uncle March, you've been pacing for an hour. I think better this way. Where's Leroy? Up in his room. Probably crying his eyes out. Poor kid. By George, I'd like to know who turned in that complaint. Wonder if it could have been Mrs. Pettibog. She hates me because she heard me call her an old snoop once. No, I don't think it was Mrs. Pettibog. Wonder if it's Walder Gurney down the street. He's hated me ever since I asked him to return my snow shovel. No, it wasn't Gurney. Wonder if it was old man Burrell. He hates everybody. Why should he complain about pigs, though? He lives like a pig himself. No, it wasn't him. Well... Sage. What? No, it wasn't Hooker. But whoever it was, I know what I'm gonna do. What? What are you gonna do? It's simple. It'll stand up in any court in the land, or I'm no lawyer. But what is it? Marjorie, who was our nearest neighbor? My Mrs. Ransom. Right, Leela Ransom. She lives right next door, closer than anybody to us. But does she object to the pig? No. But I still don't see... If anybody has a right to complain, she has, right? But Uncle Mort, I still don't... Answer my question. Am I right? You're right. Very well. I simply get Leela Ransom to sign an affidavit to the effect that the pig is no nuisance to her, and that's all there is to it. If she doesn't complain, how can anybody else? Oh, Uncle Mort, you're so smart. Wonderful idea. There's just one hitch. What's that? I think Leela hates me, too. Oh. Oh, that's ridiculous. Nobody hates you. Least of all, Mrs. Ransom. Well, I don't know. I stood her up there a couple of weeks ago at the country club dance. Still, there must be some way to handle her. Well, I'll just run over there. Maybe it'll come to me. This is going to take a little handling, I guess. Oh, well, have to turn on the old charm. Look, who's here? Me? Wow! Wait a minute, Leela. Mr. Gildersleeve, down where I come from, a gentleman does his stick his foot in the ladies' door. Oh, please, Leela, just for a minute. Let me come in, won't you? You appear to be in. I was expecting another gentleman. I wouldn't have even gone to the door. Now that you're in, I suppose I shall have to be civil to you, being from the south. Oh. Well, thank you, Leela. Shall we go in and sit down? Must we? Well, no, I just... I mean, we can stand up. I just dropped in to ask you a favor. Really? Doesn't it strike you, Mr. Gildersleeve, that a gentleman who invites a lady to a dance and then breaks the engagement is hardly in a position to ask a favor? Well, this isn't for myself, it's for a pig. I mean... What? Look, Leela, let's go in and sit down. I can explain better, sitting down. If you have any business with me, Mr. Gildersleeve, you can explain it here. But, Leela, after all, we meant to each other. And keep your distance. You're right, Leela. I've been a bad boy. I'm no good. You shouldn't have anything to do with me. Well, if that's the way you feel, suppose we go in and sit down. Now, we're getting someplace. Well? Look, Leela, I don't know quite how to put this. Gad, you're attractive today. Oh, thank you, kind sir. You were saying? Oh, oh, yes. Look, Leela, you're fond of dumb animals, aren't you? If you're a friend to yourself, the answer is no. Very good. Leela, be serious, won't you? Oh, not terrible. Go on, Throckmort. Well, some dirty so-and-so has made a complaint about my pig. Really? I thought if you'd be willing to testify that it's a nice pig and no trouble to anybody. Really, Throckmort? Now, I've had some strange requests in my life, but this is the first time I've ever been asked to endorse a pig. Well, it really wouldn't be any trouble. Mr. Gildersleeve, it might interest you to know that it was I who made the complaint about the pig. You? Certainly. I might have withdrawn it if you hadn't come over here with all these mealy-mouth compliments, telling me how attractive I am when all the time you're thinking about a pig. All that charm gone for nothing. All right, we'll go to law. It's perfectly ridiculous, Judge. What does a town this size want with zoning restrictions? Nevertheless, Gildy, the restrictions stand. They're on the books, and as it says, in black and white, no livestock. I don't care what it says, Judge. It's a fight. Gildy, as your attorney, I have to tell you, you haven't a leg to stand on. Why, you old goat, I... Now, let me finish. If you want to argue the matter, you have to come up before the zoning commission. All right, let it. And it just happens that I am the chairman of the commission. You're the... Oh, son of a gun, why didn't you say so in the first place? Horace, by George, you're all right. You're pretty slick. Thank you. Yes, sir, I take back everything I said about the zoning commission. As chairman of the zoning commission, I give you just 24 hours to get that pig out of town. Oh! We'll be with us again in just a few seconds. A grocer friend gives us some good advice we'd like to pass on to you. He says, it's the early in the day, early in the week, shopper, who gets the pick of the foods these days. And mighty good advice that is, by avoiding rush hours and getting to the store early, you're more likely to find good-tasting nourishing foods on hand. Take parquet margarine, for example. Parquet is in big demand everywhere. And that's to be expected, of course, because parquet is the spread that always tastes so good. Parquet is economical, point-thrifty, high in food energy value, and fortified by crafts so that every pound contains 9,000 units of vitamin A. So no wonder more and more people keep asking for parquet. Tomorrow, then, shop early for parquet. P-A-R-K-A-Y. The nourishing spread that tastes so good. Parquet margarine made by craft. Now, here's the great Gelder sleeve again, faced with a delicate problem in domestic diplomacy, namely how to do away with a pig that's crept into the hearts of his nephew Leroy and his niece Marjorie. In this extremity, he turns to the tactful Birdie in her kitchen for advice. Um, Birdie. Mr. Gelder sleeve? Are you busy? Mr. Gelder sleeve, I'm always busy. You want something? Well, I am. Oh, still ironing, huh? Well, it's about this pig, Birdie. Judge Hooker says we'll have to get rid of it. Something about a zoning ordinance. Anyway, the pig must go. Poor Leroy. He's gone down time to get some linoleum for the pig stack. Yeah, I know. He's crazy about that pig. Well, sir, if he's got to go, he's got to go. Well, Birdie. I thought I could just take him down to the butcher and have him, well, you know, little roast pork wouldn't be so bad. Now, Mr. Gelder sleeve, if we have roast pork for Sunday dinner, Leroy's going to be suspicious. Maybe right. Still, there must be a way of disguising pork. Freak as he it may be. Pork's pork, Mr. Gelder sleeve. Freak as he it fried, beg it of stuff, it pork is still pork. You think the children would notice? They wouldn't notice any kind of meat these days. They're meat conscious. Well, what if I had him, I mean, what about sausage? There ain't no where sausage comes from, too. Well, confound it, Birdie. I've got more than $15 tied up in this pig. I just can't throw it away. Maybe you could sell him to the butcher. That's a good idea, Birdie. Or trade him, maybe, for some lamb chops. Fine, George, I'll call him right away. What's the fellow's name? Mr. Belden at the reliable meat market. How old was he? Yes, you called him a robber. I better try somebody else. He's the only butcher in town now, Mr. Gelder sleeve. All right, then I'll try Belden. Only I won't tell him who I am. What's the phone number there, Birdie? 3418. 3418. 3, 4, 1, 8. Birdie. Let me know if Leroy comes in. I don't want him to hear this. I'll let you know if he comes this way. Hello, is this Mr. Belden? This is one of your good customers, Mr. Belden. Never mind who. What I wanted to ask you is this. I've got a live pig I'd like to trade you. Trade this pig for some lamb or beef. Oh, you can't, huh? Oh, the OPA. It's bureaucrats. Well, how'd you like to buy the pig, Mr. Belden? He's three weeks old and very healthy. A dollar. A dollar. Listen, this pig cost me $10 in cash, and he's eating $6 with the baby food. Well, in that case, my name is Gillers-Leave, and you're still a robber. Looks like I'm stuck with the pig. Oh, well. What's the butcher say, Mr. Gills-Leave? Nothing doing, Birdie. Well, sir, looks like you have to be the butcher yourself. Oh, no. I couldn't do that, Birdie. After all, I've got feelings, you know. Yes, sir. Still, if I could think of some merciful way, maybe we could get him to overeat. Never kill a pig that way. I guess not. Maybe I could just put him to sleep, huh? See, chloroform. Put him in a nice sleep, and that's all he knows. What do you think, Birdie? Well, if it was me, I'd rather be shot than take chloroform. I don't like the smell. I'd rather take chloroform than be shot. I don't like the noise, Birdie. OK, Mr. Gills-Leave, it's your pig. Where are you going to get the chloroform? I'll take the pig down to Peavey's, Birdie. I guess I'd better do it right now while the children are out of the house. Yes, sir. What shall I tell Leroy when he comes home? Just tell him I took the pig for a ride. He, don't tell him what kind of a ride. Peavey's got his screen door up. I guess everybody's doing it. Come on, come on, Tiger. Hello, Mr. Gills-Leave. Is that a pig, Mr. Gills-Leave? Oh, sure, it's a pig. It's the pig you sold me that baby food for. You ought to remember him. Oh, yeah. It's just a little unusual for a pig to walk in here. That's all. Well, I got him on a leash, Peavey, so there's nothing to worry about. All right, Mr. Gills-Leave. What can I do for way of this afternoon? I want some chloroform. Chloroform? About how much chloroform? Oh, a pound or a pint, however you sell it. Well, you sell it anyway you want it, but the pint's quite a lot of chloroform. Might I ask what it's for? I haven't been sleeping well lately. I never heard of chloroform being used just in that way. Was this prescribed by a physician? No, Peavey, this was my own idea. I thought so. If you don't mind a suggestion, I have several tablets, which are quite helpful in cases of insomnia. Oh, they wouldn't help me. This is a very stubborn case. All right, Mr. Gills-Leave. A pint, you say? Yeah, I guess so. Might as well have a good sleep while I'm at it. You will, brother. Uh, what's that, Peavey? I'm just talking to myself. Oh, by the way, there's a little formality. Chloroform is poison, you know, so you have to sign your register. Register? What kind of hocus pocus is this? State pharmacy law, Mr. Gills-Leave. I've got the forms right here. It's in case any crimes are committed and so on. Well, I'm not planning to commit any crimes, Peavey. Oh, I'm sure you're not. But it's a regulation. It's poison, I have to fill this out. Let's see. Date and the time. Seems to be about 247. Oh, hurry up, Peavey. You don't have to have bull of a watch time. Well, it might be very important if the crime is committed at 245. There isn't going to be any crime. All right, Mr. Gills-Leave. Name of poison, chloroform. Mount, one pint. Now, purpose for which poison is purchased? Suppose I say, insomnia. Yeah, that's all right. Maybe just sign it here. Sign it? Yes, sir. That's the law. Well, I don't like this, Peavey. Suppose I don't use all of it for insomnia. Well, what else could you use it for, Mr. Gills-Leave? Nothing. Well, if you have some left over, just throw it away. It's fine, isn't it? What if I don't want it for insomnia at all? Well, then what do you want it for? The pig. I have to get rid of the pig, Peavey. I thought chloroform would be the kindest way. Oh, I can't let you have chloroform for that, Mr. Gills-Leave. Why not? That would be murder. No, it wouldn't, Peavey. The law says I can't keep the pig. The law says I can't sell poison for animals, either. What about Beckman's pharmacy, Peavey? You think they'd let me have it? No, Mr. Gills-Leave, I don't. Beckman's pretty low, Well, darn it then. What am I going to do? I really couldn't say, Mr. Gills-Leave. Just have to go off somewhere and shoot the animal, Peavey. That's what. And it's all your fault for taking such a narrow view of the law. I wouldn't say that. Well, that's a fact, Peavey. Here. You hold the pig while I make a phone call. Why should I hold him? Because there isn't room in the phone booth for me and the pig. Wait a minute. You make the phone call for me, huh? Who do you want me to call? Well, I don't want to do this dirty work all by myself. But I'd call Floyd Munson and see if he wants to go along. Oh, Floyd is just a man. Oh, Tiger, what's the matter? Did I step on your little tail? I'm sorry, Tiger. Nice, Tiger. What should I say, Mr. George, then? Ask Floyd if he's got a gun. Then what? Wait a minute. Hello, Floyd. Peavey, have you got a gun? Yes, he has. All right, ask him if he can get it and meet me, well, let's say out of the reservoir in half an hour. Floyd, would you care to get the gun and meet Mr. Gilda Sleeve out of the reservoir in half an hour? Mr. Gilda Sleeve and friend. Well? He wants to know if it's a duel. Oh, for heaven's sake, just tell him it's important. Mr. Gilda Sleeve said it's important, friend. All right, good-bye. You can be there, son. Good, thanks, Peavey. Well, come on, Tiger. Well, you were pulling a little too hard on that leash, Mr. Gilda Sleeve. It hurts the little fellow's throat. Oh, is that it? Well, come on, Tiger. Come on. Mr. Gilda Sleeve. What is it? You're being a pig your way to shoot him. I wonder if he'd accept a chocolate sundae with my compliment. Oh, Peavey, that's a lovely thought. Make it two. That's about the size of it, Floyd. The butcher won't take him, and I can't keep him. Only way I can get any good out of him is to do away with him myself. I see what you mean, Mr. Gilda Sleeve. Down, Tiger. Say, you got him pretty well trained. Oh, yeah, a very intelligent pig. As pigs go, of course. I guess the kids will miss him, huh? I'll have to tell the children that he ran away. Yeah, that's very smart. Wait a minute. What do you say when the pork chops show up? Well, I'll have to hold them back for a while. But where are you going to hide the corpse? Judge Hooker's got a deep freeze cabinet. Put the meat in there till this all blows over. Yeah, that sounds okay. Well, what are we waiting for? Huh? Oh, you got the gun? Gave it to you. Oh, yeah. I thought my coat was getting a little heavy on this side. 45, isn't it? Yep. He'll never know what hit him. I wonder where I should... Where's his heart? You don't want to shoot him in the heart. Spoiled too much meat that way. Well, then where? I don't know. It's all good stuff, even the feet. Did you ever eat Pickle Pig's feet? No. Nice with cold slaughter. I guess the best thing is to let him have it right between the eyes. Yeah, I guess so. Hmm. Well, go on, plug him. We don't want to be out here all night. The wife gets a little ugly if she has to hold up supper. Well... Come here, Tiger. Don't look at me like that, Tiger. What's the matter? He looks at me. Maybe he does. Animals are funny that way. Did you ever read that story, Black Beauty? Horse knew the bridge was out. Yes, I remember. Well, this thing all cocked and ready, isn't it? Yep, ready aim fire. That's all there is to it. All right. Now, Tiger... Look out, Tiger! You must never jump on a man with a gun in his hand. It might go off. Stand still, Tiger. Oh, he's looking at me again. Those sad blue eyes. He ain't really sad, Mr. Gilda Sleeve. He thinks you're playing with him. I wish I was. I don't think I can go through with this, Floyd. Oh, come on. You're not doing anything wrong. Pigs are made, Deed. I know. He's lucky to get knocked off early before he knows how much fun he's missing. I just can't do it, Floyd. Commissioner, I'm surprised at you. There's nothing to it. Just pull the trigger and it's all over. Easy enough to tell the other fellow. Sure, but I couldn't shoot him any more than I could shoot Leroy. Oh, sure. I'd just as soon shoot my wife. Sooner, maybe. And that reminds me, what are you going to do with this pig? I don't know. Say, why shouldn't I give him back to your cousin? Let him live on a farm. He'd be better off there. Why, certainly. Leroy can go out there and visit him every weekend. It'll be wonderful. Leroy'll be happy. The pig will be happy. Everybody will be happy. Why, of course. I'm sure he'll be happy. Everybody will be happy. Why didn't I think of that before? Hey, Commissioner. What is it, Floyd? You'll understand there'll have to be a small charge for boarding the pig. Boarding the pig? How much? Well, I guess $2 a week would take care of it. $2? You want the pig to be happy, don't you? All right. I'm right back where I started. I'm out 20 bucks. I haven't any bacon. I don't own the pig. And I'm paying $2 a week for his board. How do I do it? This is Clark Sweet. This is Ken Carpenter speaking to the Kraft Cheese Company makers of Clark A. Margeron, a complete line of famous quality food products. Kraft invites you to listen again next week for the further adventures of The Great Gelder Sleeves. These days of temporary shortages and the small ration point budget, have you learned how Kraft Dinner can help you? A food store near you has Kraft Dinner. Two boxes of this delicious macaroni and cheese for just one red ration point. And what a special help that quick-made macaroni and cheese is. Each Kraft Dinner box serves four folks with fluffy light macaroni that has really rich cheddar cheese flavor through and through. With Kraft Dinner's two magic ingredients, you cook this dish in just seven minutes flat, a wonderful main dish all by itself. And you can do tricks with this swell macaroni and cheese. For instance, press the hot Kraft Dinner into a ring mold for a few minutes. Then serve your swell macaroni and cheese ring with creamed fish or eggs or leftover fowl. Garnish with tomato slices or whatever you like. 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