 J-E-L-L! Oh! The Jello Program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Kenny Baker, and yours truly, Don Wilson. The Orchestra opens a program with Mr. and Mrs. America. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! You know, one of our grandest American institutions is the Good Old Time Parade. And starting next Thursday, April 6th, the Parade of Progress will go marching along all over this country. It's sponsored by the associated grocery manufacturers of America, and Jello is proud to join. Because Jello's whole existence has been a parade of progress for the 40-odd years it's been on the market. And through the years, there have been constant new developments and improvements. Jello's delicious flavor has been made extra rich, and the new flavors have been introduced. Jello is quicker and easier to make nowadays, but it dissolves instantly in hot water and sets far more quickly. And with all the improvements, Jello costs less. Today you pay half as much for it as you would have 20 years ago. Yes, without boasting, we can truthfully say that Jello has kept right on the bandwagon in the great parade of progress. So Jello salutes the grosses of America and is proud to march along with them. Before our float in the big parade, we suggest a box with the big red letters on it that spell Jello. This is America played by the orchestra. Now, folks, due to last Wednesday night, Clark Gable and Carol Lombard elope to Kingman, Arizona and were married. Hello tonight, ladies and gentlemen. We bring you the man who held the ladder, Jack Benny. Yes, sir. Jello again. This is Cupid's assistant talking. And, Don, I don't know where you got that information about my helping Clark and Carol. But you're right, and I was never so embarrassed in my life. There I was holding the ladder all dressed up in a tuxedo, like a big goof. Tuxedo, what was the big idea? Well, it's very silly, really. You see, Carol called up and asked me to hurry over because she was going to run away and get married. Yes. Well, I got so, darling, excited. I thought she meant to me. God, I thought Gable there. I almost fainted. Oh, well, that must have been quite a letdown for you, huh, Jack? Well, it was. But they were awfully nice about it, though. They let me keep the ladder. I'm going to grow ivy on it, you know? Well, Jack, now, what in the world made you think that Miss Lombard would elope with you anyway? Oh, I don't know, Don. She's always so nice when we meet on the street. Then, one time, during a dust storm, she winked at me. So what was I to think? Oh, I'm too bad, Jack, but you shouldn't jump at conclusions like that. I'll say I shouldn't. On the way over to her house, I tore up all my old phone numbers. Now, if I want a date, I'll have to join the Lonesome Club. But as I said before, Don, they were awfully sweet. You know, they even wanted me to go along with them and... Pardon me. Hello? Is this the benefit of Rochester? It is, eh? Are you still mad at me, boy? Yes, Rochester. I'm not talking to you. Goodbye. Hmm. Can't get around me that easy. Now, what's the trouble, Jack? It's a personal matter, Don. I'd rather not discuss it. What were we talking about? Oh, you said something about Clark and Farrell wanting you to go along with them. Oh, yes. They needed a best man at their wedding, but I couldn't make it. You see, I'm pretty busy right now. I started making my new picture at Paramount. Paramount? Well, that's where you made your last one. I know, Don. I was surprised. This is going to be my first legitimate picture. It's called Man About Town. Oh, it's a very clever title. Who's directing it? A fellow by the name of Sandwich, Mark Sandwich. And I'm having a lot of trouble with that guy, too. Jack, you're always having trouble with your directors. What's wrong this time? There's plenty wrong. You see, Don Sandwich directed most of the Astaire Rogers pictures, and he can't get away from that Fred Astaire treatment. It's too much for me. Now, what do you mean? Well, he has me jumping over furniture all the time. Hey, I'm so tired at night I can hardly rinse out my socks. No kidding. Oh, but I can't imagine that director. Why don't you do the work like Fred Astaire? It must be quite sprenuous. You said it. Why, yesterday, we shot a scene where I enter an English drawing room to talk to Edward Arno so he plays a part of Lord Arlington. I see. Well, anyway, instead of just walking up to him and saying hello, Sandwich made me leap over two dye vans, a love seat, and the duchess have crippled up. My goodness. Did you clear everything? All but the duchess. Every time I tried it, I wound up piggyback. I tell you, Don, I'm a wreck. Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Leaping Lena. How are you? There you are, Don. You see, Mary's been over at the studio. She knows. No kidding, Mary. Does Jack really have to do all that jumping? Does he? He's got a kangaroo for a sandman. Now, Mary, he's not a real one. That happens to be the man's name, Barney Kangaroo. Well, he's got an awful big pocket. You're just being silly. But you know, Don, there's one thing about this picture that's me. I think it'll see how agile I am. Why leap over that furniture just like Fred Astaire? Who couldn't with bed springs on their shoes? Well, I had to have some help. And those springs worked out fine. You'll get the Academy Award from the Mercy Bed Company. Oh, I will. Well, let me tell you something, Don. If I don't break a leg, I think this is going to be my best picture. Oh, I'm glad to hear it, Jack. Who's going to be in it beside yourself? Well, there's Dorothy Lamour, Edward Arnold, Benny Barnes, E.E. Clyde, 500 extras, and Phil Harris. By the way, where is Phil? Oh, he'll be here in a little while. No kidding, Jack. Is Phil really going to be in your picture? Yes. I got him a small part. He also hangs up my clothes and sees that they're pressed, you know. That'll keep him busy. Those big love scenes with Dorothy Lamour will keep him busy, too. Listen, Mary, Phil may hold Dorothy in his arms, but her heart belongs to Benny. Don't worry about me. Say, Mary, how is Phil in the picture? Is he a good actor? I think he's going to be great in it. Great. What a show-off. Somebody told him he had beautiful hips and he keeps backing into the camera. He looks like a crawfish with a Marcel. Now, let's forget the picture. Oh, hello, Kenny. Hi, Jack. Say, your shirt tail's sticking out. It is. Where? April Fool! Why did you fall for that one? Kenny, in the first place, yesterday was April Fool's Day, and in the second place, you didn't fool me because my shirt tail is out. Is that your shirt? I thought it was a Chinese newspaper. Well, it has been to the laundry a lot. Kenny, I bet you were some cut-up yesterday fooling everybody and carrying on like mad, huh? I'll say. See, I sure pulled a good April Fool gang of my girls. She falls for anything. What'd you do, Kenny? Well, I called her up and I said, uh, this is Robert Taylor speaking. Will you marry me? That's cute. What'd your girl say? She said, yes. Just as soon as I get rid of that clock I'm going with. Well, you certainly fooled her all right. You ought to hear the gang have pulled on my boss, Mervyn Leroy. I sent him a bomb. Yee-hoo! You sent him a bomb? Did he get it? Oh, I think so. I can't find him. Why, Kenny, you're just making that up because I saw Mervyn Leroy on the street this afternoon. All of them? Yes, all of them. Now, let's forget about April Fool's Day because it's over and done with. How about singing your song? Okay, I'm ready. Hold on a minute, Kenny. Come in. Telegram for Jack Benny. Take it, Mary. Here you are, boy. Here's a tip for you. A tip? Yes. Hi-ho, nickel! That's right, guy. Don't believe him, folks. It was a quarter. Must be cheap material. It shrunk. Never mind that. Who's the wire from? Oh, look, Jack. It's from Fred Allen. Oh, that Mongolian? What's he got to say? Uh, dear screwball. Hmm. Understand you are starting a new picture called Man About Town. If you're the man, get out of town before it's released, my dear. Oh, he would have to put his two cents in. That's a hot one. Sing your song, Kenny. I'll put you back in the trunk. Well, Allen's going too far. It wasn't on the island of Capri. It wasn't on the big, the darker king. Nor at a perfume counter in Paris that we met. Ah, something in the air was continental. There were moonbeams for a beam of sun. I was feeling young and sentimental. At a little hot dog stand. Gallantly I handed you the mustard. Then you curtsied, I kissed your hand. Inwardly my heart was getting flustered. At a little hot dog stand. The bubbles in our soda pop just hit us like champagne. I guess that we had five or six. Somewhere in the distance came a beanie-free frame. All of my fancy plain trim. Then in there, the spark of love ignited. It was real and a feeling was grand. Oh, a wedding backfist if you're invited. At a little hot dog stand. There were moonbeams for a beam of sun. At a little hot dog stand. Gallantly I handed you the mustard. Then you curtsied, I kissed your hand. At a little hot dog stand. The bubbles in our soda pop just hit us like champagne. I guess that we had five or six. Somewhere in the distance came a beanie-free frame. All of my fancy plain trim. Then in there, the spark of love ignited. It was real and a feeling was grand. Oh, a wedding backfist if you're invited. At a little hot dog stand. There was a little old hot dog stand sung by Kenny Baker. And very good Kenny, I enjoyed it immensely. You're not the only one, sweetheart. Modest little devil. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we have a rare treat in store for you. Mr. Don Wilson, that eminent American author, has written another. I can't get over that wire from Alan. You know, Don, that guy's got a lot of nerve taking up my time with those cheek gags he is. I agree with you, Jack. Did you hear him Wednesday night? Yes, him and that Maxwell Stroud stuff. He's about as clever as simple Simon. Well, I think it's marvelous the way Fred makes up his gags as he goes along. Oh, you do, eh? Yes, he certainly knows how to ad-lib. Ad-lib? Sure he ad-libs. He has to. He can't read a script. Why, do you know, Don, he has nothing in his library but life, look, and click. I happen to know. Well, Jack, if Alan can't read, how does he order food from a menu in a restaurant? He goes to a cafeteria where he can point. He took up juggling just so he wouldn't drop a tray. Anyway, getting back to our program, Mr. Don Wilson, that eminent American author, has written another. Pardon me. Hello? Hello, Mr. Van. This is me again. Rochester Van Jones, I'm not talking to you. You mean I'm still on the blacklist? Certainly. Goodbye. What's the matter with you and Rochester, Jack? Oh, it's nothing, Don. Forget it. I know. Quiet. Where were we, Don? Well, you started to tell the folks about my play. Oh, yes. And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Don Wilson, that eminent American author, has written another of his famous short playlists, which are bringing him nearer and nearer to the Pulitzer Prize. Take it, Wilson. The scene is the home of Mr. and Mrs. Luke Miller, who live in a cabin just part of the Mojave Desert. They are just finishing their evening meal. Music, please. Well, Ted, I thought our dinner tonight was excellent, especially that tempting and delicious jello. You're right, Luke. It was worth going 50 miles to the nearest pulitzer to get it. I'll say it was. Hmm, who can that be? We haven't had a visitor in this forsaken spot in over three years. Luke, I told you we should have built this out of camp on a highway. Oh, they'll put a road through here one of these days. Come in. Oh, I'm starving. Look, look, Luke. It's a man. Yes, yes. Yes, it is. Let's carry him over to this chair. Where am I? Take it easy, young fellow. What seems to be the trouble? I'm a prospector, and for three weeks now I've been lost in the desert without food or drink. I'm starving, I tell you. Starving, starving! Be calm, my boy. We'll take care of you. Yes, I'll fix you a nice hot dish of beef stew. No, thank you. I'm a vegetarian. Oh, and how about a nice cucumber salad? Sorry, old man. I like cucumbers, but they don't like me. Hmm. Oh, I'm so weak. I'm starving, I tell you. Starving, starving! Be patient. We'll take care of something strange, eh? Say, would you like a piece of homemade chocolate cake? With nuts in it? Yes. Pecans or walnuts? Walnuts. No, thank you. Well, good heavens, man. You've got to eat something. Isn't there anything you'd like? Yes. Have you any jello? Jello. I'm sorry, old man. We have some, but we ate every bit of it. But I'm going to make it again tomorrow. Okay. I'll be back. So long. So long, stranger. I'm starving, I tell you. Starving, starving! Oh, what a utter commotion. That little drama, folks, was written by our own Don Wilson. And, Don, I'll have to admit that you're a fat, knoll coward. Of all your plays, that's the best one, yes. Well, don't give me all the credit, Jack. That was a true story. I believe you. You know, one of these days, Don, you ought to... Hey, Jack, look who just came in. Oh, yes, our new movie star. Hello, Mr. Harris, you're a little late, aren't you? I am a bit tardy, but by the time I selected my wardrobe and had my bar, time just fizzled away. Well, I can amortize you. Listen, Phil, because you're in the movies now, there's no excuse for being late. Well, I was home studying my part. I've got a big day before the camera tomorrow. Oh, you have. Hey, Phil, can I have your autograph? Later, son. What a hand. I want to tell you something, Phil. I saw a screen test. Phil, I saw a screen test. Phil, I saw a screen test of you the other day, and believe me, it broke my heart. Was it that good? I'm talking to Phil. And another thing, Phil, while you're working in my picture, I don't want you to go around giving all the girls at Paramount your phone number. My phone number? Yes, phone number. I saw you with that blonde in front of the commissary the other day. Now, wait a minute, Jack. She just asked me what time it was when I told her. Well, she must have a poor memory. She wrote it down. I can't see how you ever gotten to a swab-sophisticated picture like this one. You should talk. You used to be a comedian in a burlesque show, sliding Sam Benny. Now, that's what I call dreaming it up. Mary, have I ever been in a burlesque show? Only as a customer. There you are. Now, Jack, go in there once to get my father. He's nearsighted and thought it was grand opera. Who was he waiting in the alley for, Gallicurgy? I didn't inquire. And now, Phil, if you can forget you're a movie star for a couple of minutes, how about a band number? OK, Jackson. The boys and myself are going to play a popular little ditty entitled, Never Mind the Bread, Sonny. Pop, I'll be home with a bun. Now, Phil, stop with those epigrams. Now, what are you going to play? All right. Mary and I have been rehearsing that new song. I go for that. We're going to sing it to each other. Oh, well, that's a novelty. Say, Mary, you're going to sing with Phil, eh? Uh-huh. That ought to be cute. Well, it's better not become a habit. Penny, don't be so jealous. You're not the only singer in the world. Well, I'm the object of my affection. Never mind that. Go ahead, Phil and Mary. Let's hear what you've cooked up. OK. Hold it a minute. Come in. Mr. Benny? Yes. Is your real name Maxwell Stroud? No, it isn't. I'm not Maxwell Stroud. Don't lie to me, Daddy. Come right home. Get out of here. What a pest. I wonder if I could catch him on fly paper. The way you walk that silly talk, I'd go for that. You're dizzy post your carnage jokes, I'd go for that. Your kiss just misses, your dancing is rough. But you love that stuff. I guess you don't get around enough. Your crazy poems, your letters from home, I'd go for that. And for the more I just adore your kinky hair, that puffy stare. To Mr. Cupid, I'd take off my hat. You can't account for a silly place of all the girls you could have chased. I looked at you and knew I'd go for that. You know, Mary, we'll have a home, a private phone. I'd go for that. Yeah, not only that. You'll have a ring, a pretty thing. I'd go for that. But you tell me, Mrs. so caught off that stuff. You mean the going will be rough? I guess you just don't make enough. But Jell-O's fine, and I'm in line to get more dough. I heard that crack, you'll get the sack, you corny Joe from the wheelchair ball. Now Mr. Benny, you take that right back. Now look at boys, you mustn't fight. You're breaking up my wedding night. You'd better not, because do I go for that? Now as I go for that, I play by the orchestra with a special vocal chorus by Jeanette McLivingston and Nelson Harris. The Nightingale's of the Jell-O program. If you want a real old Aunt A. Kenny, I don't recall anybody asking you. Now keep still. More darned singers on this program. Don't be surprised if I'm not here next Sunday. You'll be here next Sunday and like it. I'll be here, but I won't sing. You'll sing too. Now drop it. And now folks, I won't sing good. And you'll sing good. Not very. And now folks, going from juvenile temperament to our feature attraction. Tonight, we are going to present, pardon me, if that's Rochester again, I'll... Hello? Oh boy, are you still looking down on me with scorn? Rochester, I want you to stop with these telephone calls. Do you hear me? Well, both of them said I was sorry. Rochester, what you did to me, only time will heal. Goodbye. As I was saying, ladies and gentlemen, tonight we are going to present... What's all this mystery, Jack? What are you mad at Rochester for? Donna concerns only him and me. Oh, why don't you tell him, Jack? Yes, what did he do? Very well, Don. Rochester hocked my polar bear. That's what he did. The what? You heard me. He pawned Carmichael for $30. Of all the low tricks. For heaven's sake, Jack, didn't you know the bear was missing? Of course I did, but Rochester told me he was playing the Orpheum. Then, when I was downtown last night, I happened to walk by a pawn shop, and there was Carmichael hanging in the window. Right next to a slide trombone. But Jack, how'd you know it was your bear? He was wearing my new wristwatch. Don Rochester, he could have got $12 on that alone. I know. Well, he hasn't heard the last of this. Oh, well, let's get back to our play. Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to present a new and original comedy drama entitled Topper Takes an Aspira. He's taken everything else. Now, in this vehicle, I will naturally play the part of Topper. While Mary... Oh, more interruptions. Come in. What are you... Well, I'll be darned. Hey, fellas, look who's here. I lost, Hanson. Slapperman! Well, this is indeed a surprise. It's good to see you again, Slapperman. And I'm happy to see you, too, Jackie Boy. Well, look, everybody's here. It's like old times. Hello, Mary. Hello, Slapperman. My, my, you're getting prettier every day. Thanks. How's your wife? My, for my sake. Ah, good old Slapperman. God, God, it's good to see you again. And Kenny and Phil, believe me, you're a sight for sore feet. Hello, Slapperman. Glad to see you, Slapperman. And Don Gilson, my, my... Tell me, were you always so big or don't I remember? Well, Slapperman, to tell you the truth, I did put on a pound here and there. Here, I don't mind, but there it's unbecoming. Ha, ha, same old Slapperman. I haven't seen you in over a year. What have you been doing with yourself? I've been all over the country. North, south, east, and uptown. I was playing in Voderville. In Voderville? What kind of an act did you do? I was a magician. Oh, a magician? Were you a good one? Sensational. You should see me pull the lining out of the hat. Hey, that's some trick. What, what are you doing out here in California, Slapperman, on a vacation? No, I'm in business here. I opened up a little nightclub. Slapperman's, Hawaii, Haciente. What did you do? Well, I'll sure be out there to see you. Tell me, Slapper, have you got a floor show? Have I got a floor show? My son, Tinker, plays the drums. I play the ukululu. And for a future, my wife, Wiggles. Hey, that sounds great. You know, I'd like to drop in and see your wife do the hula. Okay, if you're passing by, but don't make it a special trade, please. Oh, she can't be that bad. Well, I wish you a lot of luck in your new place, and we'll be over to see you very soon. Thank you. Well, I've got a couple of long now. Aloha, everybody. Hello, sir. Good to see you, sir. Hello, I'm Slapp. I want to go back to my little dress. Second, I'll see you at the end of the third street for undercurrents. Well, it's your good-seeing Slapperman again. He's a nice little fellow. Well, kids, get him kind of late now. I don't think we'll have time to do our play. So how about saving it for next week? It's very long, and if that's who I think it is, he's in for a good boiling out. Hello? Hello, boss. This is your bad boy, Jordan. Rochester, I told you before, I'm not making up with you until you unhocks that polar bear. So goodbye. Goodbye. Wait a minute, boss. That's what I called you up about. I got called up out of the pawn shop. He's back in the house. Oh, well, that's more like it. Now, don't you ever do a thing like that again? Goodbye. Goodbye. Now, wait a minute. I just thought of something. Where did you get the $30 to get Carmichael out of the pawn shop? I thought you weren't speeding to me. Rochester, where did you get that $30? The what? The $30. Where did you get it? It could have been a legacy, you know. It could have, but it wasn't. Now, for the last time, where did you get the $30? I sold my AT&T. Rochester, you never had to share a stock in your life. Now, if you don't tell me where you got that $30, you're fired. Okay, boss. Your violin is now hanging where Carmichael was. Oh, my... Rochester, did you pawn my flight of area? That ain't what the man said. Come on, boss. Rochester, Rochester. You match that color as he pawned my violin. There's something every woman knows, but her family is always eager for something new and different for dessert. It's not always easy to find all, and that's why every week we try to bring you some new ideas. Tonight's specialty is a delicious combination called Jello Plum Mold. It's a shimmering mold of rich red cherry jello with canned blue plums, the big juicy kind. It's easy to make, too, and here's how. Dissolve one package of cherry jello in one pint of hot water and chill until slightly thickened. Then fold in one cup of canned blue plums. Mold until firm and... Well, there you are. Quick, easy, and temptingly good. For cherry jello brings you that incomparable, extra-rich flavor, as appetizing as fresh ripe fruit. It tastes just brand combined with the succulent goodness of juicy plums, so try this new dessert tomorrow. Ask your grocer for cherry jello and surprise the family with a jello plum mold. We're a little late, so good night, folks. J.T., come out!