 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of johnathanasley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, the five things high quality women don't never do with men. They don't do these things. All right, really quickly, if you're new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new content. If in any time during this broadcast or watching the replay, I share something that resonates with you, please hit that like button for me. All right, let's get into the five things high quality women never do with men. Now, really quickly, when we use the term high quality, high value, whatever terminology you wanna use, what I really mean here is human beings who are emotional grownups, human beings who are emotional grownups. And there's two particular areas I wanna address with this. Oh, and by the way, if you're watching the replay, don't worry, I'm doing the content first, then going into the Q and A. All right, so the two things I want to identify of how an emotional grownup shows up in relationship is that they actually have a handle on their ego. They have a handle on their ego. And what I mean to say is our ego can do one of two things. It can make us out to be victims or it can make us out to be righteous. I'm gonna repeat that. It can make us out to be victims. And what I mean by that is victim consciousness or it can make us out to be righteous. So for example, you're in a relationship with a guy, you're having an argument or a disagreement about something. The ego might want you to step into, I'm right, you're wrong. That's not how a high quality person, a high value person or an emotional grownup person shows up in relationship because it's not about being right when you're in relationship. An emotional grownup is how can we resolve the problem? Okay, now I also said something about victim consciousness and sadly, most people are suffering from victim consciousness because they put blame on the other person when there's a challenge in the relationship. They make out the other person to be wrong. So when I'm talking about a high quality, high value man or woman, I'm talking about a person who knows it's not about being right, it's about resolving and it's about being in victor consciousness and not victim consciousness. And I'm not, and I'm talking about consciousness and I'm not talking about someone who was actually victim of something. All right, so now you might be wondering, well, Jonathan, what are these five things that high value, high quality women don't do? And I wrote this out. And by the way, you wanna stay for the fifth one because this is so critically important to all of this. Okay, I'm building up to a crescendo and the fifth is critically important, okay? But oftentimes we think of, and by the way, I gotta put my glasses on because I took notes, but oftentimes we think of things like don't be jealous, don't text too much, don't be possessive, don't talk badly about other people, don't be a drama queen, don't be pushing for commitment. All of these things are oftentimes what shared. In fact, I've done a different video on this and those were some of the things we talked about, but actually today I wanna go deeper. I wanna go into the deeper things of what actually can turn off a relationship. In fact, what I'm about to share, the first four are not anything that I've made up. It's actually what I've read from a book. And by the way, if you're not familiar with the work of Dr. John and Julie Gottman, I highly recommend checking out the book, Eight Dates by Dr. John and Julie Gottman. Why this is so critically important to read this book is that these are marriage and family therapists who have studied, I think, 30,000 couples and studied what causes divorces. So when you can understand what causes divorces, you can reverse engineer how to create a successful relationship. So if you wanna create a successful relationship and you're like, read this book, read this book. But one of the things that Dr. John and Julie Gottman talk about is the four horsemen to the apocalypse, the four horsemen to the relationship apocalypse. And I'm gonna share those four and then we're gonna lean into the fifth one, okay? Now first is criticism, criticism. And this goes back to what I was saying before. Oftentimes when we criticize someone, we're either in our righteous mode or maybe we're in our victim mode. And so the important thing, and I'm just gonna read here, criticism. The important thing is to learn the difference between expressing a complaint and criticizing. So for example, a complaint is I was scared when you were running late and didn't call me. And I thought we had an agreement that we would do that for each other. That's a complaint. A criticism would be sound like this. You never think about your behavior, how your behavior is affecting other people. I don't believe you're that, I don't believe you are that forgetful, you're selfish, you never think of others. That is criticism. And criticism is one of the fundamental pieces that sabotage and ruin a relationship. So a high value person, a high quality person doesn't often lean into criticism. They might share what their frustration is, but they don't do it in a judgmental shaming way. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know, hit that like button. Okay, number two, and this goes back to the idea of righteousness. And that's when you're coming from, when you're in a state of contempt for another person, a state of contempt. So contempt goes far beyond criticism. While criticism attacks your partner's character, contempt assumes a position of moral superiority over them, moral superiority. So let me give an example of contempt, okay? You're tired, cry me a river. I've been with the kids all day long, running around like mad to keep this house going. And all you do when you come home from work is flop down on the sofa like a child and play those idiotic video games. I don't have time to deal with another kid. Could you be any more pathetic? That's showing a level of contempt. And that, first off, a high value person, a high quality person doesn't, I mean, look it, we're human beings. We're all gonna make mistakes. But if you're consistently in a state of contempt, if you're significantly in a state of righteousness or your state of victim consciousness, you're going to ruin what could be a great relationship. And by the way, ladies, everything I'm saying here goes in reverse. If any guys are doing this, they're not a high quality person, they're emotionally unavailable, they're emotionally stunted, and they probably aren't going to be around very long in the relationship. Okay, number three is defensiveness. And here's the thing about defensiveness, is that it's natural for a human being when feeling challenged to get defensive because whether we're in victim consciousness or in righteous consciousness, it's very hard to not go into a place of pointing the finger at someone else when someone challenges you over something. So for example, when that complaint happened, when I was demonstrating earlier the complaint, the other person might go into defensiveness. That's a very natural reaction, okay? It's very natural. Emotionally mature person, emotional grownup, a high quality personal, high value person. Even if they were defensive, they immediately shift their perspective once the words have come out of their mouth. So it's not uncommon that it comes out. But true defensiveness oftentimes is pointing the finger at the other person. Defensiveness might look like what was known in the narcissistic realm as gaslighting when you turn it around and make it the other person's fault or reason behind it. So, and unfortunately this strategy is almost never successful. Our excuses just tell our partner that we don't take their concerns seriously and that we don't take responsibility for our mistakes. So for an example, question might be, did you, Tom, did you, excuse me, Tammy, did you call, let me repeat that. Here it's on my notes and I'm screwing it up. Did you call Betty and Ralph to let them know that we're not coming tonight as you promised this morning? A defensive response might sound like this. I was just too darn busy today. As a matter of fact, you know, you just know how busy my schedule was. Why didn't you just do it? That's not only getting defensive. That's turning it around and blaming the other person. This often happens. And this is not what a high quality person does. This is not what a high value person does. This is not what an emotional grownup does. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Okay, and don't forget, you gotta stay for number five because this is the crux of what a high value person doesn't do in relationship. But number four is stonewalling, stonewalling. Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction, shuts down and simply stops responding to their partner. Rather than confronting the issues with their partner, people who stonewall can make evasive maneuvers such as turning it around, turning it the other way, acting busy or engaging in obsessive or distracting behavior. If you feel like you're stonewalling during a conflict, stop the discussion, ask your partner to take a break. So for example, this sounds like this in stonewalling. All right, I'm feeling too angry to keep talking about this. Can we please take a break and come back to it a bit later? It'll be easier for me to work this out. So why I'm bringing this up is it's very natural also when feeling confronted that you might need some space. A stonewaller is avoiding it at all costs versus a high value emotionally mature manner woman says, hey, I need a little break to reassess everything and then I'm gonna lean into this conversation. That's how an emotional grownup shows up in relationship. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Okay, so I said the fifth one is the most important and by far these four are the horsemen of the apocalypse as John and Julie Gottman talk about that kill relationships. But one thing a high value, high quality woman, manner woman doesn't do the following. And this is actually from the book, The Four Agreements. The Four Agreements. And if you're not familiar with this, by the way, all the books I recommend are in the description of this video. There's a Jonathan recommends books. There's my book listed there. There's my podcast. There's the link to schedule a discovery call with me and there's a link to my membership program. But why I wanna talk about this book in particular, one chapter in particular. And I wanna read this to you. The third agree, so The Four Agreements are the following. Be impeccable with your word. Don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions, always do your best. Let me repeat that. Be impeccable with your word. Don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions and always do your best. Okay, that's from the book, The Four Agreements. I'm actually taking the third agreement which is don't make assumptions. Ladies, and this is only for you. Most women make the assumption. Actually, let me backtrack. This is a human thing. But in relationship, women do it a certain way. Most humans make the assumption that everybody thinks like you do. Everybody does, everybody literally thinks the way you do, operates the way you do. And literally whenever there is a misalignment, it's oftentimes they're making the assumption that the other person operates the way you do. So ladies, this is particularly important in the realm of relationships and commitment. Let me repeat this. This is so hugely important in the area of relationships and commitment. And one of the things you ladies do frequently is you make the assumption that the man is on the same page as you. The man is on the same page as you. And it's because you're not asking really good questions before you get involved with another human being. You're not, a lot of people are just doing the following. You like sushi, me too. You like stand-up paddle board? Oh my God, I do it every weekend. Do you like the Rolling Stones? I've seen them in concert five times. Oh my God, we're so compatible with one another. That's not compatibility, that's simple familiarity. I'm talking about going deeper. And one of the most important questions you can ask a guy, and I made some notes here, centers around commitment, commitment. And I wanna talk about this in a minute, but I really wanna lean into commitment because most women actively date because they want a partner in their life. They want commitment in their life, okay? And you're making the assumption that men altruistically want the same things. And yet many of you know that the number one search term for women is why are men commitment phobic? Why are men emotionally unavailable? Why do men ghost? Why do they disappear? If that's the number one search term, then you should operate from the premise that a lot of men operate like this. So maybe before the penis ever gets to go inside the vagina, you might wanna ask a lot better questions. In fact, you really wanna do this before you ever get too involved with a guy, okay? So for example, you might wanna say, tell me what commitment looks like for you. Describe what a committed relationship looks like for you. Explain to me why you want a committed relationship. I'm gonna repeat those. Tell me what a committed relationship looks like for you. Describe what your ideal committed relationship looks like and explain to me why you want a committed relationship. I mean, these are like first grade questions you should be asking before you ever really get to involve. But no, Jonathan, all the other dating coaches tell me that I should just have a good time, just have focus on having a good time, just being your feminine energy, and just have a good time, and just lean back and have a good time, because it's all about having a good time. Folks, let me tell you something. Dating is serious business because the number one emotional health issue facing almost everybody is I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable, and I'm not likable, and dating triggers this like nobody's business. Dating isn't about having a good time. Dating is a process of betting another person to decide if you wanna explore a relationship, and then a relationship is a betting process to decide if you wanna be in partnership with them. Stop focusing on having a good time and start being intentional. But Jonathan, every other coach tells me not to interview a guy. Don't interrogate him, don't interview him. Ladies, that's bullshit. When you wanna get a job at a company, the employer interviews you, and you're interviewing the employer to see if you're right for each other. That's what the first meeting is. But no, Jonathan, it's supposed to be about having a good time, and the guy plans the date, and he has to be chivalrous, and he just pays for everything because he has to prove his worth to me, blah, blah, blah, because I deserve to be with a high quality guy. That's arrogance, and that's gonna set you up for failure. That's why I want you to lean into the recognition, don't assume people think the way you do. Start operating from the premise of being curious. Ask better questions in the dating process. What does commitment look like for you? Tell me why you want a serious committed relationship. Describe what your ideal relationship looks like on a regular basis. Now, I will tell you ladies, most men are dear in the headlights. Most men are dear in the headlights. By the way, the cup says world's biggest idiot, but I want to tell you, I was on a podcast called Ignorance is Blessed. Okay, Ignorance is Blessed. And the, so the title is world's biggest idiot. I love this mug. By the way, no cocktails here today. This is just my crystal light, because I do, I have a webinar later tonight. I'm doing a call to my membership group. By the way, I have a fantastic group called Midlife Love Mastery. Check out the link below to my group. This is a group where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis, talking about dating, mating, and relating. And this is an inexpensive way to have direct access to me if you can't afford private coaching. And we're doing a live call tonight where it's Q and A on the phone with me. Check out the link to Jonathan's group called Midlife Love Mastery. By the way, really quickly, is the audio good, is the video good? Please let me know as well. Okay, so I've covered those five things. I'm just gonna repeat them and then we're going to do Q and A. If you have a question, simply write the word question and then post, put a call in and then post your question or put a semi-call in if you wish and then put the question. So if you have questions, it's time for the Q and A now, but I wanna repeat those five things that a high value, high quality woman doesn't do. Number one, she doesn't criticize, okay? Number two, she doesn't operate from a place of contempt. Number three, she doesn't get overly defensive or gaslight her partner. Number four, she doesn't stonewall. And number five, she doesn't make assumptions assuming that the guy thinks the way she does. Is this making sense? Is this resonating? Hit that like button. All right, time for Q and A. So look what we've got here, Mary Beth. Question, when is the call tonight? Wasn't in the email audio question. Oh, Mary Beth, okay. So you're in my membership group. Go to the Facebook page, I listed it there. You have gotten emails, but you just didn't get them. So check your spam and junk folder. Otherwise I'll reach out to you right after the call. So thanks for that question. All right, do we have any other questions? Simply write the word question and then post the question. You know, as I'm waiting for questions to come in, I have another thought I've been pondering big time, centered around commitment. We often, let me just be clear with everybody, most human beings are very thirsty for connection and sex. Most human beings are thirsty for connection and sex and to some level even a step up is companionship. And so if you wanna have connection and sex, typically we make a commitment to the other person. That commitment is monogamy and exclusivity. Later on in this live stream, I wanna talk about commitment at a deeper level, but first I wanna take our next question from Barbara. So just remember, oftentimes in the beginning it's monogamy and exclusivity, but let's talk about a deeper level of commitment in a little bit. So let's take Barbara's question. Question, how would a high value Gallup wrote a man who was divorced within two years and had a child die of cancer? I don't understand the question because there's no question mark. So I'm sorry, Barbara, I don't understand your question. So rewrite it with the actual question. All right, question, S.B. Wright. We went on a date a while ago and he texts me every day, but he just wants to be friends. Could there be something more? Okay, so you went out a while ago, he texts you every day. Most likely he's texting you because he likes you. Most likely he's texting you because he appreciates your feminine energy, being connected to a female. And he likes talking to you because it's easier to talk to a woman than it is a man most likely about problems and things. Now, could there be something more? Who's always the potential for something more? However, most men who are relationship ready don't waste another human being's time, okay? Men who are relationship ready go after what they want. So most likely he's either not relationship ready or you're not the woman for him. So that's most likely the case. So the question is, what are you gonna do about that? Rather than focusing, ladies, I'm gonna do this. You oftentimes hyper focus on what the guy is doing. Why not saying what it is that you're doing? What it is that you want? And my invitation is SB, what do you want? If you want a relationship with him but he's neither not ready or not the one, what are you gonna do with that information? What are you gonna do about it? Why don't you tell me that next? Okay, Barbara writes, how would a high value woman approach a man who has been divorced within two years and had a child die of cancer? How would a high, well, like whether your high value, high quality, whatever, with compassion, with kindness, that's how you would approach it. Now, does that mean he's a good candidate to be in relationship? Absolutely not, okay? Someone who went through a divorce and lost a child, he might be suffering, he might be in mourning. It may be years before he's ready to be in relationship. How you approach it is simply with love and compassion. But that doesn't mean you should be approaching a relationship with him. What you should be asking yourself is he ready to be in a relationship? Ask him those questions we talked about, commitment. What does commitment, depending on how far you've gotten with them. But my question to you is, it takes a long time to heal from those two types of losses. So he may not be a good candidate to be in relationship with. That's my invitation for you. All right, question. Pat writes, what if it's the man stalling? Okay, so Pat, everything I talked about, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, assumptions. Men do the same thing, women do the same thing. What, so, men and women do those things. So what? Men and women do those things. So what? Men and women do those things. So what? Let's go deeper. What do you want, Pat? That's a good question to ask yourself. Or at least that's my invitation for you. All right, Joy. So if a man acts like a deer in the headlights and freezes when you do what a relationship looks like or from, what is the next thing to say to ease him into the conversation? Well, you know what? I'm gonna throw this out to you, Joy. Why should I spend time with you? Ask him that question. By the way, when a person, by the way, for those who are interested in private coaching, I have a link to in the description of the Schedule of Discovery call with me, one of my questions in my application is, why should I take you on as a client? So you might wanna ask this guy, why should I invest my time with you if you don't even know what the fuck you want? I threw in the F bomb in there. But truthfully, why do you wanna invest time in someone who doesn't know what they want? So my invitation for you is with the follow-up question is why should I invest my time and energy on a person who doesn't know what they want? How does that sound, Joy? I hope that helps. All right. Nadine writes, should you take a man back if he says he's ready for commitment now? Well, I guess it depends. It depends on why did he break up with you. It depends on how often you see each other. It depends on what commitment looks like for him. There's a lot of depends, okay? Now, oftentimes, I was gonna say it's, by the way, ladies, it's a role of the dice in many cases, whether or not two people are gonna have a juicy, delicious, healthy relationship. I'm gonna tell you something. Oftentimes it's a role of the dice, okay? And it's rare that two people so hit it off on the first date, get married and fall, get married and live happily ever after. It's the exception, not the rule, okay? Now, taking someone back might be part of your journey. Maybe part of your journey is to learn to love yourself. So you take someone back, they continue with their bad behavior or whatever caused the breakup and then you have to learn how to love yourself. This is why I'm highly recommend reading my book, What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway by Jonathan Asley. This is one of the reasons why we choose the wrong or bad relationships. We choose them so we can continually give us a chance to love ourselves, love ourselves, love ourselves. That's oftentimes why we choose unhealthy or bad relationships. So, you can give it a shot, give yourself 30 days, 60 days, see what it feels like and then give yourself another 30 or 60 days to see what it feels like and give yourself another 30 and 60 days. I would evaluate it every 30 days to see if he's actually moving towards something serious or just stringing you along, which a lot of guys do, they'll string you along. Once they've hooked you and then they leave, they've already hooked you. So we men know we can go back to the well because you women make it so easy. When you set a healthy boundary and it depends on why there was a breakup, depending on why, the thing is to move on. That's what the best thing oftentimes is the case. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. All right. Pat writes, commitment, we were married 38 years, got divorced, he wanted to try and now, and he wanted to try and now don't know, don't know what the fuck he wants. What do I do? Have patience, have patience or leave. 38 year marriage. This is, my recommendation, go to a therapist, talk about what you guys both want and see if you're on the page. And if during the therapy session, you find that there's some common ground, maybe you can work it out. My recommendation, go see a therapist and if he says no to a therapist, then he's not serious about a relationship. Go see a therapist, work through your issues and then see if there's actually room for this relationship to work out. That's my recommendation, Pat. Smile, silly. Question, his actions and words shows he likes me a lot, a lot. When I confronted him, he said, I don't have feelings. I only care about, he said, I don't have feelings, I only care about you. What does this mean? His actions and words shows me, he likes me a lot. He said, I don't have feelings, I only care about you. I'm sorry, smile, silly, you just contradicted yourself. I don't have feelings, I only care about you. I care about you is a feeling. So I don't understand what he meant was, I don't have feelings. Now if he says, I don't have feelings for you, I only care about you, that is very similar to the difference between I love you and I'm in love with you. I love you simply means I care about you. I'm in love with you means I'm here, you matter. We are important, I've got your back. I'm not going anywhere and I only want you. Many men and women care for other people, but it doesn't mean that they actually love them or wanna go the distance with them. Love them and wanna go the distance with them. So I hope that helps. All right, Kerry writes, he asked me to be exclusive girlfriend within one week. All right, Kerry, I've done the same thing. When I'm smitten by a woman, we men are territorial. It is not uncommon and it is not narcissistic behavior. It doesn't mean anything when a guy wants exclusivity. We're territorial, if we really, really like you, we don't want you dating anyone else. So we will ask for exclusivity rather early. If that's a turnoff for you, that's an issue for you because quite frankly, I think when a guy is enthusiastic that's a great place to be. Now you don't have to agree to exclusivity but here's my feeling. I only date one person at a time. If I like someone, I only date one person at a time. If the woman is dating multiple people and I like her, I drop her like a bad hat because if she doesn't see the value in me, and I do think, hey, look, I'm a little bit righteous, I'm a little bit, I have a little bit of attitude but if someone doesn't see the value in me and they feel the need to date multiple people, that's not my woman for me anyway. Now, I'm talking about if we've gone out on three dates and she still feels the need to go out with other people and she tells me that, I say wish her well, and by the way, I've done this, wish them well, good luck on your life. That's what I do because I only believe in dating one person at a time. If I like a person, I'm willing to invest three weeks of my life. Look at how many weeks, let's see, there's 52 weeks in a year, I've got, let's see, 52 times 10, 500, 500 times, 52 times 10. So, 2,500 weeks I've lived in my life. If I can't invest three weeks to see if there's a possibility with someone because that's all you need is about three to four weeks to see I'm willing to take myself off the market to give someone a little bit of time and I would hope that a woman would do the same for me. That's just how I operate. All right, I hope that helps, Carrie. All right, what else do we have here? John, I have to go look if you reply to my comment, but how do you co-parent with a toxic person? He just called me names and I told him no more by what do I do? You know what, I'm a believer that if two people are toxic to one another, then it's best to, you have children. I'm a believer that as much as many people believe stay married for children, if it's toxic, I think that bleeds over for children. So I'm not a big proponent of staying in unhealthy toxic relationships, okay? If that's the, you know, I think what's best is go see a therapist, try to find a way to co-parent and go enjoy your life because guess what? We only get a chance, we only get one shot on this third rock from the sun. And when I say one shot, I mean, I'm a believer that we come back and do this over and over again, but you have this one shot. You know what, make the best out of your life and don't be with people that are toxic in your life. And even if you have children, find a way to either heal, find a way to love and be compassionate. But most of all, find a way to love and be compassionate on yourself instead of boundary. It'll be better for the children in the long run. At least that's my perspective anyway. I hope that helped. All right, K-Rise. I agree with, again, Jonathan, I don't like men or women having multiple dates at the time. Thank you, that's, I appreciate that you, looks like Attilia, Attia bought the same thing, so thank you so much. Okay, DeVita. DeV... No, DeV... Oh, anyway, I'm terrible at names, everyone. Please forgive me, I'm terrible at pronouncing names. Okay, question, we're talking for a month, we were great, very in sync, then he disappeared, goes to me. It's been almost two weeks. Is there any hope? I really like him, okay. Well, my first question is, when you say he ghosted you, did you try to follow up with him? Did you say, hey, I'm checking in, how's it going? I'm looking, you know, hey, do we have plans? You don't want to get together? Have you asked him out on a date? Have you checked in with him? Because if you haven't checked in with him, what's the possibility he's sitting at home going, God, she fucking ghosted me. I can't believe she hasn't called me. Ladies, if you haven't made any effort, it's not ghosting. It's only ghosting is if you make effort and then he goes silent on you, that is true ghosting. And if he does that, actions speak louder than words. Action speaks louder than words. And my opinion is, choose people who are emotional grownups. Remember when I said about emotional grownups? They're not righteous, they're not victims, and they follow the four agreements. Read this book. I hope that helps. I hope that answers your question, by the way. All right. Ah, do we have any other questions? Leanne writes, I was friends with benefits relationship for two years with the man he ghosted me twice. I'm sorry that happened. All right, Jessica writes, what is the best way to tell a new ex that you no longer want to communicate with them? I have known this man for over a year. We decided to be exclusive a little over two years ago. I broke it off. Well, you can just simply, you can send a message, you can send a text message, you can send an email. Hey, I just wanna let you know that I'm no longer going to engage in communication with you. I wanna wish you all your best on your life and your journey, and may your kids and family be safe and healthy all my best. Send the message, then block the person on your phone. If you're, block the person on your social media, block the person in your life, so you don't feel tempted to go back and look over their stuff, okay? That's my invitation for you, Jessica. I hope that helps. All right, let's see what else we have. Taylor writes, thank you for that as well. I really helped me and that was even my question. Okay, thanks, I'm happy to hear that. All right, Sarah writes, question, ended things with a guy that told me he wasn't over his ex-wife, he was toxic with me. He's contacted a dozen times over the past year wanting to meet up, but I keep saying no, am I right? All right, I'm almost sad that you have to ask me that. And I say this because you don't need me to validate your decision. You don't need me to validate your decision. The reason why you're needing some sort of validation is because you're either in, remember I said victim consciousness or you're in that righteous consciousness, which it sounds to me, I'm feeling a little bit of victim energy, okay? I'm not saying you are, I'm just saying that's the energy I feel. So if someone was toxic towards you and wasn't the right relationship and you ended, that is the right thing for you to do. By the way, let me just say this quickly for everybody. There is no such thing as right or wrong, okay? There's no such thing as right or wrong. What you do is what's right. And what I mean by, I mean it from a macro perspective, not a micro perspective. In that moment, that certainly was the right thing for you to do. And if that was the right thing for you to do, great. Okay, he doesn't sound like your guy. You don't need me to validate that for you, but I appreciate you asking the question anyway. I just don't, I want you ladies, you don't need validation for anything. Everything you do is right for you. Just lean into that. By the way, one of the chapters in my book, okay? My book, what the heck is self-love anyway, okay? Hold on a second. Is everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens for you, not to you. That happened for you. You may not know the answer yet, but it happened for you. I hope that helps. All right. Iris writes, can you please tell me again why long distance relationships don't work for men? I hear it, thanks. Okay. So we men don't bond over the telephone. We don't bond over the telephone. We bond through experiences, both physical experience which includes fucking our brains out with our partner. That's one physical experience. Doing social activities, hobbies, going out with family and friends. That's how we bond with another human being. Now we do bond sexually a little bit, but very little. Women, you bond like there's nobody's business once you've had sex with a guy. So here's the thing about long distance. You could be talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking on the phone, talking on the phone, talking on the phone. And you're thinking, oh, he's bonding with you. He's about bonding this much with you over the telephone. A relationship requires being face to face. It takes about a hundred, hundred hours, a hundred hours of face to face time just to get to the face to face time. And that's not a weekend where you, that doesn't include sleep. I'm talking about a hundred hours of a variety of different activities over at least a 10 date period of time, 10 different activities before we get to the first layer of bonding with another human being. That's the minimum it takes. So here's what happens with long distance. You're talking, talking, talking, talking, talking and he's excited, he's excited, he's excited because when he sees you, he's guaranteed to fuck you. I'm gonna say this with long distance, every single first meeting turns into sex. So then we just had sex with you, okay? Now we like you and we might come back. It depends on how long distance, okay? Let me differentiate between 30 miles, 300 miles and 3000 miles. I'm talking about where it's gonna take quite a bit of effort to get together. So we might come back to the well every once in a while but if you're not physically doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, he's not bonding with you. So all that after, you just had sex with them and all those phone calls, you're feeling, oh my God, I'm so into them, I'm so in love with them. He's not in love with you. That's not how men, that's not how humans bond. Only children bond over the telephone. That's what little Gen Zs do, you know? That's what Gen Zs do. You're an adult. Adults don't bond that way if you wanna learn how to be an adult by this book, how to be an adult in relationship, great book to buy. All right, I hope I answered your question, Iris. Vanessa writes, he did mention sex but respectively ex, I don't know what that is. Any rules for sex on long distance relationship? I usually wait but we'll be making, we'll be talking for over a month. Again, I highly doubt when you meet a guy for the first time on a long distance, especially if you've been talking a month, that you aren't gonna have sex together. It's gonna happen. We don't fly, we don't travel, we don't drive. We don't invest a month of time if we don't think we're gonna get laid. And so that's what happens. And everybody says, oh, we're not gonna have sex on the first date. It happens this, so you spend a weekend together. It's gonna happen before he leaves, I can promise you. And if he doesn't, I highly doubt he'll ever come back again, okay? This is the dilemma with long distance. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just telling you what happens, okay? All right, question. Jessica says, thank you, so simple, so straightforward. I love your approach, thank you. Leanne writes, I was in a friends with benefits situation for two years. He goes to me twice. I'm on a different level of maturity than he is. Question, if he comes back, what should I say? My gut says, blow him up. I deserve better. You just answered your question. That's what you say. You don't need me to tell you that. That was, you've already had the answer, okay? I don't think I would say it that way. I would just say, hey, thank you. I'm not feeling like I wanna engage in this. I wanna wish you all the best on your journey and your life, your family and your friends. And I'm gonna just continue communicating with you. That's how I would respond. Rosie writes, boyfriend and I'm with is scared of love and he wants me but has fears. I'm working on myself also because of my anxiety. Is this a relationship that can work out? So actually two wounded people can actually make it work out. I highly recommend buying this book, Eight Dates by Dr. John and Julie Gottman and reading the book together, read the book together because this would be a great start for helping you decide if this is the right relationship to move forward in. Does that help? I hope so. All right. So you know what, I'm gonna share a thought I have with you. I'm not gonna be taking any more questions, okay? I wanna share a thought I have with you all. And this centers around commitments. And this is critically important. Do me a favor. Here, hold on a second. Bear with me one second. Okay. This centers around commitment, okay? And that is the first layer of commitment in dating is monogamy and exclusivity. That's really the first layer of commitment. It's agreeing that you're gonna be monogamous with one another and you're not gonna date other people. So what's the next layer of commitment? Well, think about it from this perspective. The ultimate commitment is I wanna take care of you. I wanna take care of you. Think about the wedding vows for richer for poorer through sickness and health, better or worse till death do us part. It says I wanna take care of you. Ladies, a lot of you are in relationship with men that don't wanna take care of you. Maybe it's because of financial reasons. Maybe it's because of emotional reasons. Maybe there's a fear that he has like what the previous person wrote about. Maybe there's an insecurity, whatever it is, ultimately you have to get down to the bottom line of what does commitment look like for you? Describe what commitment looks like for you. First ladies do it for yourself and then ask men these questions because the bottom line ultimately, once you get past monogamy and exclusivity is are you investing in this person? Are they investing in you? Are you investing in them? From the perspective of hey, I wanna go the distance. And the ultimate distance is I'm willing to take care of you. And a lot of humans aren't prepared for that. This is one of the reasons why my private coaching program, I teach you how to vet for emotional maturity. I teach you how to vet for men who are ready for serious commitment versus the ones who just want connection and sex who are incapable of going the distance. So if you need help with that, check out the link to a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. It's in the description below. Schedule a free discovery call. You know, there's so much I can talk about tonight but today I'm gonna keep it a little bit shorter than normal. I just wanna say this. Dating is a fucking pain in the ass. There's no doubt about it. It's because humans are rather naive to what relationships all about. So when I talk about all of these books that I bring up again and again and again, it's because I wanna help you help yourself. I'm gonna repeat that. I want you to help yourself. This is why reading the books. And by the way, I've been getting so many emails from so many of you telling me, Jonathan, my boyfriend and I are reading the book eight dates, Jonathan, my boyfriend and I are reading attached. Jonathan, my boyfriend and I are reading your book. What the heck is self-love anyway? I love hearing that because there are men who are capable of going deeper. It just requires a little bit of a nudge on your part but really it's about asking whether or not you're on the same page. So stop making the assumption, like I said earlier, that you two are on the same page. You literally have to go into it like he's a child and you're going to have to direct the outcome. And what I mean to say is you have to be the emotional leader of the relationship and it starts by asking really good questions. Stop listening to the narrative that dating is just supposed to be fun. You can just sit back and your feminine energy and let everything magically work out because magic fucking fairy dust works out every fucking time, doesn't it? We live in a world of magic fairy dust or do you wanna live in reality? And that is learn how to be an adult in relationship. Learn how these things work. And when you do that, you have a greater chance for success and that's my invitation for you. Are you willing to do the work? Tell me if you're willing to do the work. Give me a thumbs up, post a comment below. Let me know you're willing to do the work and that work is particular is finding out are you on the same page with him? Don't ever assume he's on the same page with you. The sooner you get to that answer, the greater chance you have for success in relationship. All right, I think this will be a good time to wrap up. I wanna say, oh, Doug made it. Finally, Doug made it. Hey everybody, ladies, Doug is on the house. Wait a minute, I'm just, I gotta give him props. Ladies, this is a good guy. I hope he's a good guy, I don't know him personally but he seems like a good guy. Dating is a giant pita, pain in the ass, correct. Ladies, there are good men out there. They're guy like Doug and I hopefully you heard what I had to share Doug but let me just say this. There are great men out there. Most men are good guys, they're just bad daters. Doesn't mean, Doug said yes, guys are here willing to do the work. Yes they are, most men are good guys, they're just bad daters. This is why it's not your job to tell them what to do but you can certainly lead by example and that starts by asking good questions and if you need help and support and love on that, schedule a call with me or join my group called Midlife Love Mastery. We're doing a webinar tonight so I'd love to have you join and if you can't, I keep watching my YouTube videos, listen to my podcast, get my book and let me know that you're doing great, that you're experiencing a juicy, I wanna hear about all those women who actually attract a great guy in your life, guys like Doug, all right. This is a great time to put a stop right here so I wanna thank Cindy, I wanna thank Tina, I wanna thank Joy, I wanna thank Kay, I wanna thank Taylor and Doug and everyone else who joined us tonight. I wanna thank you from the bottom of my heart and we're gonna wrap up this video like I always do, those who know me know I do the following. First off, I'm gonna give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Bear hug of self love. Oh, we all need self love, give yourself a hug right now, do me a favor, give yourself a hug and I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone or a pet or a teddy bear or a pillow and I give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it, we can all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank you so much and wishing you a super duper wonderful day. Bye bye now.