 received complaints from some some shoshanim that they had been discarded and replaced with baby seals and baby silets worry not my shoshanim you're always in my heart you're the first and foremost so here goes okay shoshanim today we're going to deal with narrative narrative is our core identity and what happens when narratives fail and how to fix them my name is Sam Vaknin I'm the author of malignant self-love narcissism revisited I'm also a professor of psychology in see-ups Center for international advanced professional studies the outreach program of the CS consortium of universities that was long wasn't it okay disorders of the self narcissism borderline can be easily construed as failures of narratives failures of self stories now you know my view I don't believe there is such a thing as a unitary stable immutable self across the lifespan I believe that people have an assemblage of self-states which respond to and resonate with environmental stimuli and changes but whichever the case may be self-states self they have to be organized in a way which would make sense to the individual they have to be put together somehow according to some script some story and this story about yourself who are you where are you headed to what's the meaning of your life what are your greatest aspiration what are your hopes what are your fears all these put together in a coherent cohesive framework is what is known as self narrative in narcissism the narrative breaks down there's a failure of narrative because the narcissist adopts a story about himself or herself which has little to do with reality the story is unrealistic it's counterfactual it's fantastic very often grandiosly fantastic but not only for example the shared fantasy is a narrative failure the narrative the self-narrative has to be self-efficacious it is intended to help us to survive it has an evolution it is an evolutionary positive adaptation narratives that divorce us from reality for example a psychotic narrative or a narcissistic narrative these narratives are narrative failures the same with in borderline borderline we have identity disturbance there is no fixed core there's no identity it's like a cloud a femoral ever-changing shape-shifting you can't pinpoint or pin down the borderline there's nobody there in the sense that everybody is there the borderline changes sometimes within hours everything about her including her values and beliefs and hopes and wishes and dreams everything changes and the borderline switches between self-states rapidly cycles to the point that she is not in both narcissism and borderline we have a situation of absence these are disorders of absence the in both of them there's an empty schizoid core kind of black hole which does not contain any continuous contiguous jointed information everything it's as if some improvised explosive device detonated amidst what should have been a core a kernel of identity and these are narrative failures now there is something called narrative psychology and there is something called narrative therapy where we try to fix narratives it's a form of psychotherapy we help patients to identify values and skills which are associated with it we provide the patient with some kind of knowledge or ability to experience these values and to exercise these skills in order to confront problems and so the way we do this is we encourage self-authorship we encourage the patient to co-author with a therapist a new narrative about themselves and the patient does this by investigating the history of his or her values the continuity of his or her skills narrative therapy is closely associated with other therapies for example collaborative therapy and person-centered therapy there are several techniques in narrative therapy we start with re-offering identity the narrative therapist focuses on assisting the patient to create a story about himself I'm gonna use the male gender pronoun but of course it applies to women as well so the patient is encouraged to write a story about himself about his identity but the story has to be helpful in some way it has to cope with some issue or problem or repetition compulsion and the work of this re-offering one's identity helps the patients to identify values skills knowledge to to exercise in order to leave these values and so on so forth therapist just listens and questions and directs this process of authorship having identified or having pinned down or realized the personal history and the values attached to this personal history now the patient is able to write a new narrative or to co-author a new narrative the problem usually starts when there is a discrepancy between the narrative that a person tells himself and the stories that other people tell about the person when there is a clash or a conflict or dissonance between what people say and think about you and what you say and think about yourself this is very common in narcissism and that's why narcissists have a grandiosity defense grandiosity is a cognitive distortion intended to uphold a fantasy intended to prevent a dissonant a dissonance between self-narrative and narratives about you from other people and so the story of someone's identity determines not only who you are at any given moment but also your potential for self-actualization what do you believe is possible for yourself in other words your self-narrative defines your horizon the narrative process allows you to identify values that are important to you use your skills and integrate your knowledge but it is always focused on unique outcomes it's a phrase coined by Irving Goffman unique outcomes expectations or exceptions to the problem that wouldn't be predicted by the problems narrative or story whenever we are faced with a problem and I recommended you watch my previous video about solving dilemmas whenever you're faced with a problem the problem itself is a narrative and usually embedded in the problem there's some form of catastrophizing the problem actually communicates to you I cannot be solved or you are not good enough to solve me and so rewriting or reauthoring your story creates unique outcomes in the sense that you find a way to solve the problem you find an exception to the problems overriding message I am unresolvable another technique is called externalizing conversation narrative therapy is about constructing self-narratives but of course a self-narrative is a very important part a very important component of core identity so the approach in narrative therapy is not to conflate identities with self-narratives and not to mistake problems with identities that is very very reminiscent of the way cognitive behavior therapy treats automatic negative thoughts automatic negative thoughts are narratives in effect or mini narratives but the message of automatic negative thoughts is you cannot cope with your problems they're never going to go away because your problems are who you are your problems are not just mistakes you have made but they reflect on who you are and so in narrative therapy we teach the patient to separate narrative about who they are self-story from problems and issues in life which have to do more with actions choices and decisions not with who you are the approach seeks to avoid actually the notion that the self is kind of biologically determined that there is something like a true nature equity in essence that you cannot escape it's a bit deterministic it's a bit fatalistic and narrative therapy is the opposite of deterministic and fatalistic it tells you you can rewrite yourself you can reinvent yourself you can become someone different just by sheer willpower imagination and creativity we separate in narrative therapy identities self-narratives from problems and we do this by externalizing conversations the process of externalizing allows people to consider their relationships with their problems and so externalizing focuses on your strengths on your positive attributes and allows you to construct and perform a new preferred identity which is essentially a kind of positive psychology if you wish and externalizing emphasis is about naming a problem getting a handle on it so that a person can assess the problems effects in his or her life can analyze how the problem operates or works in his or her life and can end the relationship with the problem they can simply choose to disengage from the problem ignore it in a way or engage with it in a totally new way from a point of strength emphasizing assets rather than liabilities and this leads usually to something which a prominent narrative therapist Michael White had developed it's called the statement of position map the therapist is collaborating with the patient it's a therapeutic posture he doesn't impose ideas on the patient he doesn't give the patient advice he just together with the patient explores the patient's life and history personal history autobiography together they uncover and examine a life unexamined they remember things passed to borrow from another Jew Marcel Proust Michael White developed a conversation map which by the way is is somewhat reminiscent to the map of happiness in cold therapy so he developed a conversation map called a statement of position map it is designed to elicit the client's own evaluation of the problems and the developments in their life the therapist and the client are perceived as having some kind of valuable information relevant to the process and they create together they co-create they're co-creators the co-create the content of the therapeutic conversation by imbuing it and suffusing it with this valuable information the therapist has valuable information about healing the patient has valuable information about the patient so there's a position there's a position of curiosity the therapist is curious about the patient the patient is curious about what the therapist might have to say may have to say and they collaborate and there's an implicit message you already have everything you need to transform your life you have all the skills you have all the values you have all the knowledge to solve the problems that you're facing even if you have identity disturbance you can leverage you can leverage your kaleidoscopic nature you can leverage this instability this constant shape shifting these are not necessarily liabilities these could be construed and used as assets in a new self-narrative or self-story which is not deprecatory not self-critical and does not necessarily adhere or conform to social mores and so on when people develop solutions to their own problems based on their own values on their traits on their decisions choices and behavior on their personal history they own the process they become much more committed to implementing these solutions practice a common practice in narrative therapy is remembering the therapy identifies identities that are somehow sublimated identities that are socially conformant or reflect somehow or denote social accomplishments and achievements and the practice of remembering kind of puts together these identities which are socially condoned it tries to coalesce them to support persons preferred story about themselves it disengages the identities that do not support the person again very reminiscent of how cognitive behavior therapy deals with automatic negative thoughts and similarly in gestalt Michael White was actually is actually a proponent of Jacques Derrida and he draws on his work White was curious about the values that were implicit in people's pain sense of failure and actions which are self-destructive and self-defeating what kind of values can motivate these why would anyone have a value or set of values which causes which causes self-destruction why would anyone seek pain in a way by adopting certain values where does a sense of failure come from if you do follow your values you should feel great you should feel egocintonic you should feel accomplished because you have been following your values so why don't you why don't you why do you feel so bad ultimately people feel pain or failure in relation to their values or how they would prefer their relationships or life to be these are kind of stalled initiatives that people take in life and they're also guided by implicit values by rendering the hidden text overt the implicit text explicit by doing this we actually bring to awareness conflicts dissonances and internal problems another map in narrative therapy now the therapy is very very big on maps so another map is called the outside outsider witnesses map it's a again everything in narrative therapy is a conversation between the therapist and the patient this is a narrative practice it's a practice of telling stories to each other sometimes outsider witnesses are invited as listeners in the consultation it could be other parents good friends enemies spouses spouses are enemies okay you know you know what i mean people from the outside so they are brought into the into the room into the counseling process and then they they are asked to contribute they asked to contribute to the weaving of this of this yarn of this quilt to the weaving of this emerging story and it is beautiful beautiful to behold the narrative process as it gives rise to a totally new identity and self-story which are much more helpful and beneficial to the client when outsiders are invited to the counseling or consultation room and by the way some outsiders could be for example other clients of the therapist who have gone through the process and they have knowledge and experience of the problem at hand there's no limit or limitation on who is allowed into into the room during the consultation and so these people participate and it becomes a community effort very similar to group therapy in a way and during the first interview between the therapist and the patient um even during the first interview sometimes there's an outsider the outsider listens without commenting it's it's in order to be seen the outsider's gaze helps the patient see himself or herself through an outsider's gaze maybe for the first time the patient is really seen the usual the usual protocol for the involvement of outsiders in narrative therapy is to instruct them not to criticize the patient not to evaluate the patient not to rank the patient to give him over marks and not to make proclamations opinionated proclamations about what they've just heard or what they've just seen outsiders are simply asked to say what phrase or image stood out for them in the narrative or the newly emergent narrative they ask to follow resonances between their own life struggles and the problems and issues they have just witnessed the outsider is asked in what ways they may feel a shift in how they experience themselves from when they first entered the room it is intended to demonstrate to the patient that every human interaction creates a shift every human interaction is an effect every human interaction hurts or elates nothing and no one is isolated we're all relational and so any narrative and self-story we may come up with has to take into account other people the therapist turns to the consulting to the patient the patient has been listening all the while to the outsider and then the therapist turns to him and interviews him about what images of phrases stood out in the conversation just heard and what resonances have struck a chord with with the patient so there isn't a kind of intermediation the therapist becomes a facilitator or moderator between the inputs of the outsider and the inputs of the patient and the resonances and interactions between these two inputs in the at the end an outsider witness conversation is very rewarding it's very rewarding not only for the patient but for the outsider as well the outcomes are often remarkable when the where the patient is concerned they learn that they're not the only one with this problem for example they acquire new images and knowledge about the problem and they can they choose an alternative direction in life the main aim of narrative therapy is to engage people with their problems by providing them with alternative better or best solutions which are essentially new self-stories new identities new self-narratives and everything is document everything is written down exactly as an author would do only this is a process of self-authorship with a guide or a facilitator so the person and the counselor they co-author certificates there is for example a graduation from the blues certificate about overcoming depression sometimes case notes are created collaboratively with clients to provide documentation as well as markers of progress I do the same in cold therapy rewriting who you are is a first step not a last one when you are faced with situations in life which are intractable when you feel hopeless when you feel there's nowhere to go when you feel that it is your essence that is compromising your life when you feel that who you are is the problem then of course you need to change who you are and here's the good news you have the power to do so because you are nothing but a dream you're nothing but a storyline you're nothing but a movie or a script or a theater play you can rewrite yourself you're the author of yourself and you're the exclusive author of your own life and people are out there and they can provide you with sufficient input to guide you calibrate you even evil people people with ill intentions they provide you with valuable input they part and parcel of the learning curve and experience it's a teaching moment every moment so trust your ability to become someone else and trust the world to provide you with inputs and feedback which will keep you on track which will allow you to gauge whether you are doing the right thing to not discard anything informational data that comes from the world all these stimuli all these inputs are critical for your self-betterment healing or at the very least enhanced self-efficacy in solving problems gradually you will discover that you do have stable values even as a borderline gradually you will find out that reconstructing your narrative has amazing effects not only on who you are but on what's happening to you and this is true even for narcissists cold therapy is actually a variant of narrative therapy where we write out grandiosity and replace it with a self-narrative that is realistic and allows for enhanced self-efficacy in interpersonal relationships thank you for listening