 Today we're gonna talk about why 80% of men, that's an eight with a zero, 80% of men use dating apps for these reasons. So let me tell you where the content from this was birth. I actually wrote a blog the other day on Instagram and I'm just gonna read it to you and we'll go from there. But it basically says that dating apps have turned into this. And before I get into that, I do wanna specify something about dating apps. For those of you not familiar, dating apps were originally created. The original first app I believe was Grindr. And the idea was if let's say it's out, you're out on a Thursday night, you're having drinks with some friends and you happen to be single and you wanted to know the singles that might literally be sitting across from you at a bar or might be at a bar a couple feet down the road. So you would go on the site, literally the radius was a mile or two. It was very concentrated, the radius, and you would swipe and certainly if the other person swiped you might have a connection that night. And so since then that was more from what I understand that was a gay site, but it's turned into heterosexual sites like Bumble, like Tinder, like Hinge, just to name a few, The League. These are dating, excuse me, not sites. Let me clarify something, apps. Apps meaning that they're primarily used for your phone. You wouldn't be able to use these on your computer. Okay, much like the original dating sites like match.com. Does anyone remember AOL personals? Does anyone remember Yahoo personals? For those that got divorced back in the early 2000s or mid 2000s, excuse me, like 2005, 2006 might remember those sites, okay? But there's a bit more robustness to the sites that have an essay associated with them, a lot more answers to questions and usually more photographs, okay? So coming back to the origination of dating apps, they were designed to meet someone in person, okay? Rather quickly, literally that evening. Now apps have morphed, okay? So I wanna read to you what I wrote in my blog. And then we're gonna discuss this, okay? I said, when I was growing up, bars were for hooking up. Does anyone remember the 70s, the 80s, and even the 90s? Going to bars and nightclubs, fueled without alcohol was a place for casual hooking up. Today, dating apps are like virtual bars or worse, replacement for seeking therapy. I'm gonna repeat that replacement for seeking therapy. Men and women typically divorce people who connect via apps seem to have two outcomes, hooking up as in a virtual bar or as a virtual portal to connect with an unsuspecting therapist. Fueled with drama, divorced people often have unresolved issues. And when discussing their past, they eventually create a false sense of intimacy with another person. And then these folks end up in dysfunctional short-lived relationships. While there's exceptions to the rule, and some folks do find love, a significant percentage of unhealed folks usually end up in these experiences, a significant percentage, hence where I came up with my 80%, okay? The sad part in all of this is that humans are emotionally hurting and on many levels, desperate for connection. While technology has made it easier to connect with people whom they wouldn't otherwise meet in their daily lives, at the same time, many are connecting with the wrong person and the outcome of all of this can lead to emotional distress. So, why am I going down this road? Because I'd like to be able to support dating apps. I'd like to be able to say that they're a great vehicle for meeting people. And yes, they are vehicles for meeting people, but what occurs to me is when we're meeting an absolute cold stranger, we don't know where they're at in their emotional maturity. We don't know where they're at in their emotional health. We do not know where they're at in their relationship skills. And while you might feel a little bit more comfortable with somebody who is connected to somebody you know, when we're meeting virtual strangers, and if you want to, I don't wanna say protect your heart, but put the odds in your favor. I want everyone to imagine that there are landmines out in front of you. Like you're standing at home plate at a baseball field, but there's all these landmines in front of you. And you need to get to the end of the field, but you have a greater chance to hitting the landmines if you don't know how to navigate around them. This is where with working with a coach like myself, and by the way, there's a link right here to schedule a discovery call with me, the sea of working with a coach is right for you. My job is to help you put the odds in your favor so you can navigate around these landmines because they exist. We have deeply wounded human beings, men and women alike who are desperate for connection. Now in some cases, they're seeking a connection from a physical perspective. There's a significant percentage of men and women who seek companionship, connection and sex, but they may not be capable of commitment with another human being. And we see another segment of the population that have either clinical mental health issues or they have severe dysfunctionality in their emotional life. If you're not familiar with my chart, by the way, this is not a fact, it's merely an opinion. Emotional maturity relationship skills, I say roughly 20% of the population probably has some clinical issues that needs some severe mental health work. And while I say roughly 20% of the population has good, healthy, emotional maturity or relationship skills, we are swimming in a sea of dysfunctionality. How do I know this? Well, for our demographic, for those of us over 40, most of the time people in their demographic of over 40 or out in the single marketplace, they're divorced. And of this divorced population, second marriages and third marriages fail at a 75% rate. It's just, listen, I'm just stating this based on statistics I've read on the internet. I can't say these are factual statements, but it seems to me that those who either get married or end up in relationships, they seem to end at some point. It makes you wonder about the viability of long-term relationships, but let's put the odds in your favor. Let's put the odds in your favor. How do we put the odds in your favor? First and foremost folks, if you want to heal from the emotional maturity level or relationship, the weak relationship skills, most every human has and I'm talking, since my audience is women, ladies, I'm talking to you as equally as I'm talking to men. I know everybody is looking at me on the camera going, well, Jonathan, I'm the exception to the rule. We all think we're the exception to the rule. Folks, I even think I'm the exception to the rule. That's my nativity. That's the way I gaslight myself. That's the way I spiritually bypass myself because very few of us have the capacity to look deep in the mirror and own our shit. Now, thankfully I have a coach I work with. Thankfully I have friends that call me out on my shit on a regular basis, but I mean really call me out on my stuff, okay? Do you really call yourself out on your stuff? I really wonder that. Because if you can actually, by the way, I can name five red flags about me. If you can genuine, if you can recite five red flags about you, I dare you to put that in the comments. And by the way, red flags doesn't necessarily mean deal breaker and red flags doesn't necessarily mean you're a bad human being. It just means that to another person, this might be a reservation for them. See, if you know your shit, I'll give you an example. I have a propensity to be a little bit needy. I know that about myself, okay? It's something I work on. It's something I'm mindful of. I try to regulate my emotions. I will say that sometimes a text message could be confusing to me and I go into fight mode inside my little kid gets anxious. Because sadly, I know where this comes from. My mother, before I was born, when I was in her womb, she was highly stressed out because she had five miscarriages and two stillborns between the time my sister was born and I was born. And we have a nine-year difference. And I suspect all throughout the pregnancy she created so much worry inside of her that it bled into me. She didn't do this intentionally, but this is a byproduct of what happened. So I have anxiety sometimes out of my control. I have to absolutely regulate my emotions, not to let it go to a point where it aggravates another person, but I'm aware of that. I'm just giving you one example of a red flag about myself. Can you actually name a red flag about yourself? I invite you to. All right, with that said, oh shoot, where was I? I went down a rabbit hole. Okay, coming back to emotional maturity. See, very few human beings have done the deep work of healing childhood wounds, healing traumas, adult traumas, and given that of the over 40 category, we have a predominantly a divorce population of singles out in the dating marketplace. And yes, we have widowers and yes, we have a percentage of the nevermarrieds, okay? But for the most part, we have divorced people. Do you realize divorce is an emotional trauma? It is the separation of, it's like separating the tapestry of a we life and trying to regulate back yourself to an eye. So I wanna bring this back to the primary reasons why dating apps are being used for 80% of these people. When someone has gone through a divorce and they're going through an emotional trauma, guess what happens? They're desperate for connection. They want to connect with another human being. And guess what happens? You're just swiping away and somebody else has swiped and you start talking, you start texting each other and you're like, oh, wow, you're cute. Oh, I think you're cute too and blah, blah, blah. Next thing you know, you start getting deeper in the text message and all of a sudden you start sharing about your divorces and he shares his relationship with his ex-wife and how confrontationally she is and how dismissive she is and how she's an alcoholic and how she mistreats the children. And you're like, oh my God, I was in a relationship with a narcissist man who discounted me all the time and he gas lit me all the time. And it was like emotional abuse and the two of you are bonding in this mutual trauma. See, what seems to be happening is people are bonding through these mutual traumas. They're individual traumas with one another. Or as I said in the beginning, you might have been relatively healed but you're dealing with a man who needs more healing and you become the unsuspecting therapist in his life. You are this compassionate, loving person that he can talk to about all his problems day and night, day and night, day and night. He can talk to about his problems and you're like, oh my God, he's so vulnerable. He's so authentic. He's so transparent. It's music to my ears. He says, ah, I will save him. And then what happens is these two people, whether they're in mutual trauma bond or one person is more trauma bonded or trauma afflicted than the other, they end up into a short lived relationship that implodes at some period of time in the future. If 75% of second marriages end and divorce, do you know how many relationships that end? Roughly 90% or more of just relationships never get to marriage. If you really wanna see the odds, it's relationships that don't lead into anything significant because we have to recognize that relationships are actually, I believe, designed for individual healing and if two people come to a relationship mutually wanting to heal their own individual wounds and use the container of the we to heal from it, that is quite possible. And I said earlier, dating apps are like the virtual bar. Okay, well let's face it, hooking up these days, I remember right when I got out of my marriage, I was on the dating apps, the dating sites, excuse me, and there was something called the three date rule and basically said, guys, if you're not laid by the third date, move on. And I will tell you by the first or second date, women were, it was very easy to have sex. And what's interesting when, you know, ladies, you love the idea, men love the hunt, men love the chase. Do you think men go around, I'm hunting a relationship, I'm hunting a relationship? Do you think that's what they're hunting? What are men hunting? Okay, we're hunting to get laid. And the least amount of the path to least resistance is mostly the path we'll take, but that doesn't necessarily mean we want a fully committed relationship with someone because that requires emotional maturity, that requires relationship skills. See, the problem is today, we men can love bomb the fuck out of you ladies and you'll suck it up. Oh my God, you're the most amazing woman I've never met. I've never met anyone like you. Oh my God, I can see us buying a house together. I see us taking trips together. Oh my God, I want you to meet my children. Oh my God, this is so amazing. I could see us getting married in a couple months. And you're like, ah, music to my ears. He loves me, I am feeling wanted. Anybody who comes on that strong that early on, and I'm guilty of this too, because when a man is amped up on testosterone and dopamine and serotonin and all this chemical cocktails, the shit that will come out of our mouths, it's like, what was that TV show with a kid say the darnedest thing, Art Linkletter? Was it, can you go back to the fifties and remember that show? The shit that will come out of guys mouth and I look at my own crap that come out of my mouth. Because when you are amped up on dopamine, it's like a heroin shot. It don't mean shit. It doesn't mean that the guy will ever be there. Trust is built through experiences. It's built through social activities. It's built through hobbies, built through mutual interests. It's built through spending time with family and friends. It's built by being teamworks with one another. It's built by traveling together. That's how trust is built. But ladies, you'll eat this up. And you have to take ownership on that. You know what, listen, you can play victim in all this, but if a guy is love bombing you and you're suck and you're taking it in, that's on you too, okay? So I just said that dating apps for 80% of the population is hooking up or for therapists. But one of our followers brought to my attention one facet of dating apps and that is they're also used to replace his mommy. His mommy. And I thought about that. You know, yes, there's a significant percentage of wounded men and women who are either looking for a mommy figure or a daddy figure. Yes, that's right. And dating apps are an easy portal to connect with people who are looking for a mommy figure or a daddy figure, someone that will nurture them, someone that will protect them. Because the reality is folks, it is fucking scary out there. I'm sorry, it's tough being alone. Let me reframe that. It's tough doing life all by yourself. Let me reframe that, it is. And most of us just wanna be loved. We wanna be nurtured. We wanna, and it starts by loving on ourself. One of the reasons why I wrote a book. Folks, you all know me, I'm gonna pitch it. What the heck a self love anyway? A journey of personal development, self up spiritual work, there's a copy. There's a link below to get a copy of my book. You know, it starts by the first is the relationship you have with yourself. That's the most important relationship you'll ever have. And when you genuinely love yourself, you will spot love bombers, you will spot narcissists, you will spot sociopaths. I mean, well, sociopaths are kinda tough, but you'll spot people much quicker because your spider senses are tingling. When you genuinely love yourself, you are aware that if anyone comes on strong, it's complete misalignment. It's like someone promising you that you just won the lottery. It's rare that someone who comes on strong is actually a ding, ding, ding chicken, winter, winter chicken dinner. So listen, do dating apps work? Yeah, some of the time. Do they connect you with people that you wouldn't otherwise meet? Yeah. But you know what? Those of you that I am now officially single again, I have a different approach and I'm gonna be shooting a video in the few weeks with Catherine Woodward-Thomas who wrote the book, Calling in the One. Here, highly recommend. She's a dear friend of mine. She wrote the book, Calling in the One, Catherine Woodward-Thomas. There's a link below to get a copy of the book, okay? I don't believe in going out with cold prospects, okay? So dating apps and dating sites to me are cold prospects. I invite you all to invite in a warm lead in your life. How is it gonna be a warm lead? You meet them out in your organic world. I am inviting you all to put time and effort to go out into the world and meet people organically. I'd rather you have a warm lead than a cold lead like a dating app because what possibly is gonna happen, you have an 80% chance or more of meeting a guy who wants to hook up, a guy who needs you as a therapist or a guy who needs you as your mommy. And let me just say those ladies, men are, by the way, for the men that are listening to this, you gotta be aware of the women who are looking for a hookup, although you don't really care because we don't mind sleeping with women randomly, but to be your therapist or to be your daddy. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know if it is. Post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts. If it did, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos. All right, those who know my format know it is time for Q and A. If you have a question of me, write the word question and then post the question thereafter or you can use the little dollar sign there. You can purchase a super stick or super jet. All the monies from the super sticker, super sticker, super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there in the obey shirt. He's my son who passed away five years ago. So in his honor, we donate to causes like the Hoffman process, insight seminars, and also a great organization out of Columbia called Seeds of Love. So let's try to collect $50 tonight, $50 tonight. Hit that little dollar sign and donate to the Connor Asley Scholarship Fund. By the way, it's not a, if this fund is just merely in his name, I donate in his name, okay? All right, let's see what kind of questions we have. Oh, by the way, one last thing. The golden bachelor airs tonight. For those of you who are in the over 40 category, over 50 category, over 60 category, I am very curious to watch the golden bachelor. I think it draws attention to the largest demographics of singles in the dating marketplace today. And that's the over 60 crowd. So it'll be interesting to see how Jerry, a 72 year old widower is going to fare with the 30 lovely ladies that they've picked for him. So on Monday night, so a few nights from today, I will be doing my take on the golden bachelor if anyone is interested. All right, it looks like Gigi's in the house and she posted a question. Let's go here. Question, so are you now telling us to ditch dating sites and apps? So dating sites are different than dating apps. What I mean to say is a site like match.com, while they have an app, they are not designed as a swipe app, okay? They are a dating site, and then there's Bumble, Hinge, League, just to name a few that are apps for swiping. A site has more robust information in it, usually have to type an email out to connect with someone versus just a wave of the hand, so to speak, as in a swipe app. Am I telling you to ditch it? No, I will still be on the apps. I will pay the extra money just to look to see who swiped on me. I don't have any intent to be swiping. I will just review who actually looked at me and if someone has said something interesting, I might respond back, whether it's a dating site or a dating app, okay? But that's not where I'm putting my attention. In fact, I'll be going to, at the end of October, I'll be joining Allison Armstrong at an event she's doing in Los Angeles. I will give you the insight into that, but it's called, Allison Armstrong wrote the book, The Queen's Code, and she's doing event for both men and women. I'm sure there's gonna be two or 300 people there. The reason why I'm going is to connect with people, to learn from this experience of, it's called, I think, Freedom From Yourself, and I'm putting myself in environment with people, whether they're married, single, I don't know, but I'm just putting myself out in many environments as I can. There's also a healing, there's a wellness center just up the street from where I live. I'm gonna start going to their local events. Why not? Listen, long distance fucking dating is a pain in the fucking ass. And it leads in, it doesn't, they rarely ever go anywhere. You have to be mutually intentional, just like I did, we were both mutually intentional, but it still didn't guarantee success, even though we were mutually intentional. But I'm just saying, long distance dating is really just cyber communication. How's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. I've been thinking about you today. Are you thinking of me? Good morning, handsome. Oh, good morning, beautiful. Oh, a little heart emoji. Oh, a little kiss emoji. Oh, a little sexy emoji. Oh, let's have a little phone sex. Let's do sex thing. Now, I wanna meet people in real life. So to answer your question, Gigi, that's my game plan going forward. Does that resonate with anyone? Please let me know. All right, Todd is in the house and he says, I'm unwilling to be a woman's financial crutch. Yes, sadly, both men and women alike use each other as a financial crutch. I do agree with that. By the way, if anyone wants to join me on the hot seat for some tough love, I just put the link below there. All right, Ms. Singh says, Jonathan, my boyfriend and I argued a few weeks ago and he never called or texted me since. We're very close together. So what should I do? I'm always the one texting him first calling. Well, that sounds like an immature reaction to a disagreement. And if his incapacity to want to resolve this gives you insight into, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, his emotional maturity. It sounds like he ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. He is in the dysfunctional category if he cannot properly articulate any disappointment in a nonviolent communicative way if you're not familiar with the book. Nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg. Jonathan, all you do is tell us about books. Yeah, you can learn a lot of fucking shit for $17.99, folks. Read this book. He needs to read this book. By the way, before his penis ever gets to go back inside your vagina, the two of you better have a real significant conversation about his behavior and your behavior as well. Because it sounds like to me that there's an immaturity going on in this particular dynamic if he's unable to reach out to you after a disagreement. And what that tells me, folks, there isn't a lot of care. You know, that's pretty sad. He doesn't care for you enough to say, hey, babe, I'm really bummed out that we had this fight. Can we find a way to resolve this? Look it, I'm gonna own my part, will you own your part? Let's agree to work on this. That's what grown-up people do. Ah, we are swimming in a sea of children, men and women alike. Ladies, a lot of you have duct tape on your mouth. I know you are afraid to speak your truth, but it is time to speak up. Dig deep inside your gut, dig deep into your power and say, I don't wanna take this anymore. I'm gonna speak my truth. Who's with me? Give me an amen. Lilian, Lilia says, question, can a person be both avoidant and anxious attachment style? From what I understand, there is a disorganized attachment style. It's discussed in the book attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, get links to get a copy of the book. Yes, there can be a person that has what's called a disorganized attachment style. So I think the way it works is when an anxious person is with an avoidant or with another anxious person, the person that's the most anxious turns into an, or the least anxious turns into avoidant. And when an avoidant with another avoidant, a person who's the least avoidant turns anxious. That's, listen, that's my clip note version of it. I, please watch some videos, the personal development channel, watch videos from Amir Levine, Rachel Heller, Dr. Stan Tackin, they'll give you more insight into that. She, you called it out therapist daddy hookup, LOL, exactly. Ronnie is in the house and she says, do you think it's possible to visit a lived loved one who passed away in psilocybin experience if entering into with intention? I desperately wanna visit my husband and my son. So folks, if you're not familiar, I have, when my son passed away, I was, I actually went to what I call a shaman and I actually did what's known as psilocybin magic, mushrooms, mushrooms. And one of the reasons why I did it was to connect with my son who passed away. Now, first is I set an intention. I set an intention. What does my higher self want information? Do I want, does it want it to pass on to me? I also set an intention to invite Connor into my experience. And then I set an intention to ask the medicine to pass on any message that the universe has for me. That's the way the intention I set. I wasn't attached to the outcome. And for the next 10 journeys I did over the next two or three years during COVID, I had many visitations from my son, Connor. And then the last time I visited him, he said, dad, stop bugging me. I'm doing fine. I am doing great in heaven or in universal energy spirit, whatever anyone associates that with. Do I think it's possible? Absolutely. By the way, if you folks on Hulu, anyone who has Hulu, you may wanna watch the series called Nine Perfect Strangers. Wait, not, wait, nine perfect strangers. Okay, nine perfect strangers. Check it out. I'll give you insight into psychedelic therapy that actually can open portals to a completely different perception of the world. By the way, Andrew Huberman did a really fascinating podcast on psilocybin and the use of psychedelics. There are great podcasts out there. So yeah, Ronnie, I think it's quite possible, but please don't be attached to the outcome because if you don't get the experience you want, you might, you could have a bad experience because you went in from a desperate place. You have to go in with a gigantic open heart, okay? But thank you for that question. I really appreciate it. Margaret wants to know what station is the golden bachelor on? It's on ABC, but I won't be able to watch it till tomorrow when it's streamed on Hulu. So ABC and it starts in 30 minutes. Leaf says dinner is on. We'll hear Q and A after enjoy your show tonight. Thank you, good night. Oh, by the way, let me tell you something happened. So I got this wonderful message from one of you that wanted to thank me so much for all the work I did on my channel because she is now happily engaged and she's ready, she is getting married. And she asked because her mother and father passed away, would I walk her down the aisle? Now, I'm gonna be candid with you. She's a total stranger, but she said your help, your channel listening to you, that big brother, that uncle, that father figure supporting me has allowed me to attract in a wonderful man in her life. And would I be willing to do that? And I'm like, hey, listen, I was a minister. I was a minister for a wedding. This would be an honor to help someone meet, spend the rest of their life with their beloved. So isn't that amazing? I just think that's effing cool. So I forgot the person's name now. I wrote it down somewhere, but hopefully she reaches out to me and gets my contact info. But that's what she wrote in the comment. Question, met a guy in person last week. Elizabeth says, I like him and told him. He said he really likes me. What are some good questions to ask without being interrogating? We didn't talk about past relationships. Well, if the two of you are, well, I would wanna know what's your purpose for dating. And then I would follow up with the question is, what's the purpose of a relationship to you? What's the purpose? What's the purpose of a relationship to you? What does a relationship look like for you? What does commitment look like for you? And by the way, here's some really good things to talk about before that penis ever goes inside the vagina is my dating vows. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. By the way, a link below in the show notes, dating vows, there's a link there. Getting him to commit before sleeping together. Ladies, have you ever heard the saying? I didn't make this up. It's called women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gatekeepers of commitment. The dating vow is an agreement two people make together before you have sex or before you give your heart to another human being and it goes something like this. You both recite your name. I agree to explore the process of getting to know you to declare something with the intent to declare something serious within three to six months. I agree to be monogamous sexually while we're having regular sex together. I agree not to actively seek and meet and date others while we're in the dating process. This includes taking down my dating profile. I agree to speak up if this isn't working for me versus pulling back, ghosting and disappearing. I agree to invest regularly in the time in the process of getting to know you which looks like we're gonna spend time doing social activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills both in our personal and our professional life and of course the intimacy. Now 90% of men will go, oh, remember, you got an 80% chance of them being clinical or dysfunctional. So that should, so check out the dating vows Elizabeth that might help you in your endeavors. All right, thank you so much. By the way, who wants to join me on the hot seat? Who's brave enough? Some tough love. I know I gave some tough love to Sharon the other day. All right, Kimmy is in the house. Question, what would if the guy is not hunting sex and holding out saying his medication is an issue but he hides his phone and is always on the go? That's a good question. You know, men that have ED have our, you know, while we might desire sex, we also have a lot of shame associated with that. I'm familiar with that. Folks, I'm gonna own it. I take a blue pill. Look at, I'm at that age. Whether I like it or not, I gotta take the blue pill but it works pretty good with it. So with that said, a lot of men carry shame around this but they're so desperate for connection that they might need a different type of validation outside of sex. And that is constant connection with women. Yes, we have, they're not necessarily sex aholics. They are validation aholics. I just made that up. Somewhere write that down. Validation aholics. Women are validation aholics. There are men who are validation. I mean, they're both men and women who are validation aholics and it's quite possible that what he's doing is he's seeking outside connection to validate him, particularly because he has shame associated with his inability. I'm saying if he has some real severe issues, he might have some shame around that. So Kimmy, that's possibly what's going on. That's just a rough guess. All right, Debbie's in the house. I'm afraid of dating for fear of losing someone due to medical issues. I'm 71, I lost the love of my life a few years ago. Debbie, while that isn't a question, that's a statement, I appreciate you sharing that. Of course, you're going to feel fear, very common. The thing is, there's a good chance you might live to be 90, that's 19 more years of life. You know, the Golden Bachelor has women in their mid-70s in the show. So, but listen, if you can't overcome the fear, then you're gonna sabotage every any chance for love. So you have to work on the fear. How do we work on the fear? Folks, I'm a big proponent of personal development, self-help spiritual work therapy. It's called self-love, getting back to a place of loving yourself. So no matter what happens in your life, whether, see, folks, you all know that my significant relationship recently ended. And I'm sad, I'm grieving it. Not gonna stop me, you know, love is a risk. Still the best fucking game in town. I mean, love is the best game in town. It's raining beautiful women, it's raining beautiful, it's raining great women. It's raining great women, it's raining great women. That's my motto, I could either let that defeat me and define me and I get it. You were married, we're talking about a big issue compared to what I just experienced. But let me tell you, love is a risk, but it's still the fucking best game in town. It's a lot of fun and it's like a roller coaster. Does anyone remember the movie, Parenthood? There's a scene I believe Steve Martin and Mary Steenburgen are talking about parenthood and the old grandmother talks about it like a roller coaster. Relationships life are like a roller coaster, it's ups and downs and twists and turns and it's scary at some moment and your seatbelt comes out and you could possibly fly out and the whole thing could implode. But this journey of life, you can either, you can grab it by its tail or you can let the tail grab you. Anyway, can I get an amen to that? You got lots of amen. Misty says, the golden bachelor is actually from a Kendallville, Indiana, which is 30 minutes from where I live. He could have met me or any of my single friends organically instead of going to Hollywood. Hey, you know what? I, you know what? If there's a golden bachelorette, when I do the show, I wonder, you know, like, well, if she lived in another state, probably not. I mean, she'd have to live in California for me to even remotely consider it. Cause I'm attached to living here. So I get your point. She's, the women are the ones who are gonna have to, see, he's not gonna have to move. It's the women that's gonna have to move, most likely. Anyways, I see your point, but he didn't meet you. Why weren't you knocking on his door? Why weren't you hanging out where he was hanging out, Misty? Cause you didn't know existed. This is why, you know, we're, we're desperately used dating apps because we don't meet people in our daily lives. This is why I said it earlier, and I'm gonna say it again. You have to put yourself out there to be seen. All right. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, mar, Mar-Mar-El. How much effort is too much effort? When, when we've never argued, but we spend a lot of time explaining ourselves to each other, is that acceptable? Or is it better if there is more natural connection? Great question. So let's take, I don't know if you guys can see this, but what color is that? Is that blue? Is it navy blue? Is it dark blue? Is it royal blue? I'm just, I'm not, I'm not, don't answer this. The point is each person could see that color differently. Okay. See, the challenge in communication is context. Do I hear what you're saying? And oftentimes people do a piss-poor job of articulating their feelings or emotions in a way that's seen, heard, and understood. I wanna recommend two books. First, I wanna recommend the book I Hear You, the surprisingly simple skills behind extraordinary relationships. These are, there are great techniques to help each other be seen, heard, and understood. But, and by the way, there's a link below to get a copy of the book. But I also wanna recommend, recommend Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters. How about reading the book together and discussing these things so you can find some common language together through these experiences? Recommendation, recommend. Recommendations, recommend. Ah, that doesn't sound right, recommend. Okay, so anyway, coming back to this, I feel a little tongue-tied. Context, again, I was talking about the color blue. As an example, we can each see it slightly differently. That is a very human thing. So does that mean you give up on it? Fuck no, you find commonality, you find common ground, you work together. Because a good, how much effort is too much effort? All the, it's the effort you need to put. And what happens is when you become more in alignment with each other, there's less effort for each other. Margelle, I hope that helps, but that was a great question. Thank you so much. And Jesse says, I hope that's good communication because that's what I do too. Wait, Christie says, I ate mushrooms and discovered the cactus were breathing and moving. I think I was able to see the energy. It was profound. Yes, folks, I will tell you psychedelics create a psychedelic experience. It is euphoric. What it does is it triggers centers in your brain that help open doors that are rarely ever there, much like dreaming. It's like being awake during a dream. It can be an amazing experience. It can be a dark experience too, but it usually, if it's dark, it usually means something needs healing. So let's keep going. Marlene says, I completely agree about long distance dating, exactly. Riccardo says, what are your non-negotiables? What are my non-negotiables? The list is long. Give me an example of something. I'll tell you whether or not it's a turnoff for me or not. Okay, Jennifer says, I don't like interrogation. You can ask questions without attacking someone. I've met men with anxious attachment styles who have interrogated me. Secure men don't do that. So most of you know, I jokingly say, when you're dating someone, you should interrogate the motherfucker. Okay, now I always say that with a little tongue in cheek. Cheek, okay? What I mean to say is ask questions in a conversational way that gives you insight into this person. Into me, intimacy, into me you see. How do you see into someone? You ask questions and you listen to how they respond. It is not an interrogation, it's a conversation. It's not a confrontation, it's a conversation. It's simply start by, hey, where did you grow up? Oh, you grew up in Pasadena. Wow, what was it? Oh, actually something like this, where'd you grow up? Oh, you grew up in Israel? What was it like growing up in Israel? I heard you have to do military service in Israel. Is that true? Yes. What were your parents like in Israel? Oh, my mother was a despicable human being. Really? Oh my God, that must have been terrible. How did you heal from that? Healing, what is healing? In two minutes you found out so much about this person that can give you insight into their emotional maturity. Can anyone guess what that emotional maturity is? And then by the way, you'll mostly find out that person has had one relationship after another and after another with someone like his mother. Anyway, yes, it is a conversation, not confrontation. Hey, Elizabeth says, Jonathan, you're the best. Oh, well, that just, my Leo just perked up. Hey, Kimmy just gave us $2. Now we need $48 to get to our goal of $50 tonight. $50, come on, $2 they ain't down. Validation of holics. By the way, trademark, Jonathan Asley. Cheryl's in the house. Why would I set myself up for failure by attempting what seems to be statistically impossible? It feels like I'm setting myself up for impending failure. Singlehood has been fulfilling. Well, statistically speaking, dating is not, I mean, it's got the least probability of success, okay? I'm just does, okay? It just factually speaking, you can go out on a hundred dates and still be single, okay? Love is a risk, folks. That's the best game in town. So how do you put the odds in your favor? First schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. There's a link below to find out how I put the odds in your favor. But more importantly, how do you put the odds in your favor? You become a magnetic attractor for what you want. If you want a healthy partnership, then love yourself in such a way that you become a magnetic attractor for what you want. That's how you put the odds in your favor. That's how you navigate the landmines out there. Self love is the antidote to all that shit. Hey, Margaret, thank you for the $14.99 Super Sticker. That means we are $33 away from getting to our $50 goal. Thank you so much, Margaret. I feel dating world is a game for most now. You know, it's not dating world, it's not a game. It's just that we have emotionally dysfunctional people in the marketplace. So to them, they don't know how to navigate life. So it might look like a game. It's not a game, but you literally have to, you have to start with the premise somebody is fucked up and you gotta prove me otherwise. But not in a defeatist way, in just a conscious way. Anyway, Jennifer says, I remember the movie, Parenthood, great movie. Thank you. Okay, Brenda's in the house. I was traveling to San Francisco to see my sister. I met several interesting men. We had conversations on the train, but he didn't ask me out. Then it happened again. What can I do differently? Well, he could have been married. He could have had a girlfriend. I mean, there's a lot of reasons why he didn't. Or he was scared. How come you didn't ask him out? Jonathan, women aren't supposed to do that. Ladies, does anyone remember called dropping the hanky? I remember one woman said to me in a conversation, she goes, if you asked me out on a date, I would say yes. Did someone write that down? If you asked me out on a date, I would say yes. Because it might be a way to, but you could have easily asked him out too. So it's not, you gotta take 50% responsibility for you not, or 100% responsibility for you not doing it instead of taking no responsibility of that. So you could have done it too. Yeah, I know. By the way, I've met women at grocery stores and I didn't have the fucking balls to ask their number. I've been chicken shit. So, hey, I wanna give Carol some props for the $1.99 Super Sticker. We are $31 away to getting to our $50 goal tonight. $31 away. Kim says, I can't wait to see the 22 bachelors they collected to be for golden bachelorettes. Men over, oh, I don't know, I'm a little bit confused. Are you talking about the 22 bachelorettes? I thought there was 30 of them, but maybe there is 22. I could be mistaken. And it starts in 10 minutes. So we're gonna wrap up in nine. So yeah, I'm curious to see what happens as well. Margaret says, I really like a man. I know who is in politics, okay. Politicians, did they tell the truth? Thank you so much, Jonathan, my first time catching a live with you. You're very welcome. Elizabeth is back in the house and she says, is it chasing a guy to call him early on? We text once a day. The other day I said, do you want to talk? We did. It's like, what should I do without coming across desperate? Hey, I have a simple rule. Treat it like a ping pong game. If he texts you, you text him. If you text him, he texts you. If you, I mean, as far as initiating, I liked it. I love people who take turns initiating. It is not desperate. I think Matthew Hussie calls invest and test, invest and test, invest and see if he invests. If he invests, then you invest, invest and test. I like people that do it like it's a two lane street. Lisa must have come in late. She said, what are the two reasons men use dating apps, hookups and therapy? And lastly, they're mommy or daddy. Women use them for hookups, therapy or mommy and daddy. And that's 80% of the population. So yes. Ray, let's see. Haven't heard from my boyfriend for four weeks. Now after asked him how he feels about me and brought it up our minor concerns, should I reach out to him? You know, I so despise immature behavior, four weeks without communication. If his penis is regularly going inside your vagina and you call each other boyfriend and girlfriend, you have a fucking responsibility to be in contact with someone. It's a moral imperative. I'm getting a little dramatic. I'm just kidding. But that is fucking bullshit. That is such childlike juvenile behavior. He brought up minor concerns. Should I reach out to him? The two of you fucking get in a room and talk your shit out or break up. This is just childlike. Okay, folks, this is the bigger problem. None of you have a game plan. The minute you guys have sex, you're guys like, oh dear in the fucking headlights, what is the purpose of dating to get into a relationship with someone? What's the purpose of a relationship to evaluate this person as a long-term potential partner? If two people aren't discussing long-term by the six month mark, if you're not having serious conversation about your long-term plans, then they're a user, they're a spender. And spenders just mean they're spending time with you. They just want occasional companionship, occasional connection and occasional sex. But this fucking immature, no communication, this is just a bunch of, who fucking agrees with me? You guys act like children, you ladies do and men do. Listen, I understand where a person might need 72 hours to cool down. God, I need 72 hours after I shoot one of my videos to cool down. But four weeks, that's bullshit. Lisa's back in the house and she says, I keep running into men who won't talk with me on the phone. They flake away, I haven't met anyone in a long time, what should I do? Go out in the real world, join the, you know what folks, do West Coast swing, do East Coast swing, do swing, do what's that things that Texas or country people do? What's that dance they do? What's it called? It's like a shuffling dance. I don't fucking, I can't think of it. Go out dancing, be out in front of people, dancing. Folks, I want everyone to figure out where you can go dancing in the next 30 days where you can, because men and women are there. You get to connect in the real world. Is it two step? Is that what it's called? Forget what it's called. I'm so inept at times. All right, let's keep going here. Hey, Tasha just gave us a $5 super sticker. We're almost there. We're in the $29 range and Carol gave us some money as well. Thank you so much. Liz says, fortune cookie message I just got, it's always better to light a candle than to curse the darkness. Seems apropos to this talk. Hey, fucking men, I'm cursing the amen. I'm not cursing the amen. Yes, Lisa wants to remind everyone to drop the fucking pinky. Carla just gave us a $3 super sticker. We're 25, I think we're $25 away or maybe $20 away. We need just $20 more to get to our goal of 50 tonight. If you asked me out of date, I'd say yes. Thank you, Lisa. I appreciate that. Much appreciate it. I have a coffee shop right up the corner. Let's keep going here. Kim says, I'm talking about the next Bachelorette show. Yeah, I don't know. You know what, folks, I don't know if I'd do it. You know what? I wouldn't do it. Because I don't feel like I should compete for someone's affections. I prefer dating one person at a time. That's just the way I operate. I prefer dating one person at a time. I don't wanna line up against a bunch of other men. For me, personally. Actually, the show, the Bachelor in it of itself, the TV show with the 20 somethings in it, it actually disgusts me. And especially the women, they can be so catty with one another. The only reason why I'm interested in the Golden Bachelor, it draws attention to the over 40 category of singles out there, which is the largest demographics of singles in the dating marketplace today. So that's my interest for it. Oh, when we do Monday night, when I do the show, I'll give you my four guesses of who I think is going to win of the women. I have a few guesses already, basically purely based on projection and looks. Because I'm a guy. I mean, I think with my dick a lot. So I'm just gonna own that at times. Anyway, I don't think I'd do it. You know, it might draw some attention to my business, but it would put me in a very awkward position. When I do workshops and such, I go into coaching and therapist mode and I just find myself, I can't turn off my coaches and therapist hat. So I'm not a therapist. I'm just saying, you know, I operate kind of like one. So anyway, that's just my two cents. Hey, Liz just gave us a $3 Super Sticker. Thank you so much. Ah, let's keep going. Line dancing. That's it, line dancing. Not two step. What the heck is swinging? That's it, line dancing. I've never done that. Guys, you know, it's funny. I mean, I love dancing to the 80s music. I'm such a fan of 80s music. I dance like, does anyone remember that Eddie Murphy thing he did? I think it was called raw HBO, especially shows the way white people dance. That's how I dance, you know what that? Or the white man's, what did Billy Crystal say in Harry Met Sally, the white man's upper lip bite? That's kind of how I dance. But I do actually enjoy dancing and I can actually swing a woman pretty. Actually, I can be very sensual dancing. I actually do have a little bit of, I have a little bit of skills dancing, little bit. I can shake my hips. Let's keep going. Kim says dancing is the best. I agree. We're almost there. 80s music is rhythm to my soul. I'm a big fan of Joe Jackson. I loved New Wave music. I love New Wave. I happen to be friends with the lead singer of a very famous 80s band. For her sake, I'll keep it private, but she is a dear friend of mine and I've broken bread with her and her husband many times and Devo's been at the house and Oingo Boingo's been at the house. Actually, Oingo Boingo's gonna be literally walking distance from my house. English Beat and Oingo Boingo are gonna be playing just a little, like literally a half a mile from where I live at the end of October. But I happen to be blessed to have seen some of the best 80s bands when I was growing up. And Carol wants to say I love Joe Jackson albums and it's released, that's one of my all-time favorites. Along with the Cure, Depeche Mode, just to name a few. Also, I'm a big fan of The Who and a lot of, yeah, Look Sharp, Lana, one of my favorite songs. You gotta look sharp. Eurythmics, Durand Durand, Oingo Boingo. I think Oingo Boingo, I think what you meant. Hey, listen, the bachelor's starting now, go enjoy. We're gonna come back on Monday and we'll talk about the results, okay? Folks, 80% of men use dating apps for these reasons. A, for hookups, B, as you're unsuspecting therapist or maybe they've got mommy issues and they want you to take care of them. So just beware and if you wanna navigate the landmines, check out the link to a free discovery call with me to see if working with the coaches right for you, right for you below and there's a link below as well. And we're gonna wrap up the, oh, tears for fears. Yes, one of my favorites. And we're gonna wrap up this video as I always do first off, give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barrett of self love. We're gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. We're gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank Jennifer and by the way, thank you Jennifer for the mommy issues. Lindsay and Lisa and Brenda and Irene and Micah, Gigi and Ronnie and Brian, Irene, Bear, Sherry, Jess, Jen, Sunshine, Kim, Jen, HB, everyone, thanks a bunch. Go enjoy the bachelor, take care, bye now.