 65 The µini program presented by Lucky Strike I used to switch from brand to brand but now I'm true to one For, I love Lucky's better taste that means more smoking fun Honestly Lucky's tastes better than any other cigarette Make any smoking test you want, you'll see in just a minute. Each puff on Lucky Strike will prove there's more enjoyment in it. You bet, Lucky's taste better than any other cigarette. Be happy, go Lucky, be happy, go Lucky Strike, be happy, go Lucky, go Lucky Strike today. Friends, you know there's a real difference in cigarettes. Some are almost tasteless, while others are far too strong. Now you can't get full enjoyment out of smokes like those. That's why for complete smoking enjoyment, switch to Lucky Strike. You'll agree, Lucky's taste better than any other cigarette. You see, Lucky's are a truly happy blend which gives you everything you want in a cigarette. The reason is fine tobacco. For fine tobacco and only fine tobacco always gives you perfect mildness and rich, true taste. And LSMFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. So for complete smoking enjoyment, make your next carton Lucky Strike. Yes, be happy, go Lucky, because Lucky's taste better than any other cigarette. Be happy, go Lucky, go Lucky Strike. Remember, Lucky's taste better than any other cigarette. I'm starring Jack Benny with Barry Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Dane, yours truly, Don Wilson. Well, ladies and gentlemen, since this is Easter, we bring you a man who put a small rabbit in his hat so he could have a little hair on his head, and here he is, Jack Bunny. Thank you, thank you. Hello again, this is Jack Bunny, I mean, Jack Bunny talking, and Don, that was a very clever introduction. Oh, did you like it? No, no, I didn't like it, but your joke did fit. What do you mean? What I mean is I thought it was very appropriate for you to start an Easter program by laying an egg. Congratulations. Now, wait a minute, Jack, that was a very funny joke, and the audience thought so too. They did not. They did too, I'll pick anybody in the audience and prove it. Say, Mr, Mr. Oh, me? Yes, would you come up here for a minute? Don, we don't have to go through all of that. Oh, yes we do, my future's at stake. You don't have to worry, you saved your money. Don, believe me, it isn't that. Hey, did you want me, Mr? Yes, yes, I want to ask you something, and I want your unbiased opinion. What did you think of that joke? What joke? You see, Don? You see? What joke? The one I told when I introduced Jack Benny. Who's he? Who's he? For your information, I'd like you to know. Oh, wait a minute, Jack, I guess I was wrong in calling him up here. You bet you were wrong. Okay, Mr, you can go sit down. Not so fast, Bob, where's my refrigerator? Refrigerator? Well, sight me, you call me up on the stage, you ask me a lot of silly questions, and I'll pay you off. Look, Mr, this isn't a quiz program, this is a comedy show. We only got you out of the audience to give us an opinion. You woke me up just for that? Now, you can go sit down. I'm not going to ask you any more questions. Okay, Senator. Go already. Oh, Jack, I'm sorry about that. That's all right, Don, maybe I shouldn't have picked on your joke, but you see, I was so sure that since the day as Easter, your introduction would have been something about my new suit. Oh, forgive me, Jack, that is a beautiful suit. But what's that patch on the left shoulder? I didn't think it would show. Patch on a new suit? Well, Don, I had to make a little alteration. You see, when it was delivered to me, my coat had three sleeves. Anyway, I think the color... But Jack, how in the world can you get a coat with three sleeves? Well, you see, Don, this suit was made to measure, and it's my own fault for going to a tailor who was nearsighted. Oh, nearsighted? I kept telling him there was a guy standing next to me. But he wouldn't believe me, you know? Anyway, I'm glad I got this suit. Well, Jack, on Easter, everybody dresses up. Not everybody, Don. Just look at the boys in Phil's band. I mean, look at the way they're dressed. If they spread themselves out, they could keep the crows away from 460 acres. You think they would at least show how the little Easter spirit... Hold it, Adrian. Hold it. Huh? They've got the Easter spirit. Look at Sammy, my drummer. Sammy? Hey, he does look different, you know? Certainly does. This morning, my boys got up bright and early and went to Sammy's house and colored his head. Oh, yes, it's pink. I thought he was blushing. Now turn them big, blue eyes on me, Jackson, and pay a little compliment. I'm really dressed for Easter, ain't I? Yes, you are, Phil, but why shouldn't you dress well? You can afford it, you know. You do your... you know, you do my show, your own show, personal appearances, recordings. Yeah? Tell me, Phil, what is your biggest source of income? Shooting pool. Shooting pool? When you can sink the 5, 10, and 15-ball with one shot, you're in the upper bracket. Well, how can you always be talking about pool? After all, you're a family man. I mean, what do your children think about it? They love it. What? When they say they want to see Hoppy, they mean Willy, not Cassidy. Well, I'd like to sit down and have a long talk with you, but I don't have the time now. You see, tonight, we're going to do a very important sketch. Oh, hello, Mr. Benny. Oh, hello, Dennis. As I was saying, we're going to do a very important sketch tonight about... I was in the Easter parade this morning. You were? That's nice. You'll never guess who was... who else was there. Who? There was Branigan, Flanigan, Milligan, Gilligan, Malarkey, Mahon, Rafferty, Lafferty, Donnelly, Connelly, Giulio, Giulio, Malarkey, Malarkey, Mattigan, Patigan, Lan... St. Patrick's Day was last week. Dennis, Dennis, let me ask you a question. A question? Yes. Why are you so silly? I refuse to answer on the grounds that it might tend to incriminate me. Oh, you've been watching the Investigating Committee on television. Yeah, I watched one fellow for hours. He isn't half as funny without Abbott. Come on, as I started to tell you before, as soon as Mary gets here, she may be a little late. You see, her sister Babe is visiting her from Plainfield. Anyway, as soon as Mary gets here, we're going to do a very important sketch based on a picture that's nominated for the Academy Awards. Say, that's right. This is the week of the Academy Awards. Hey, Jackson. What? You never did win anything, did you? No, Phil, not personally, but my picture has made a wonderful showing taken to be or not to be the director won an award. And George Washington slept here. The cameraman got an award. What about the horn blows at midnight? The audience got the award. Well, you're wrong about that because there was no audience. I mean, there was no audience. And Phil, I'll make you a deal. If you forget about the horn blows at midnight, I'll forget about Warbash Avenue. And what pray tell was wrong with my performance in Warbash Avenue? Phil, all I know is Betty Gravel and Victor Matour were in that picture with you. That's right. Well, since then, Betty Gravel made two more pictures with Dan Daly. Victor Matour made three more pictures with June Haver. And Phil, what have you been doing? Shooting pool with Zannick. What? Two more games in the studio is mine. Not if he shoots with a polo mallet. Now, Phil, if you'll be quiet for a moment, I'd like to tell the audience about the Academy Award picture we're going to do. Oh, say, Mr. Benny, maybe I'll win an Oscar for that picture I was in. What picture was that, Dennis? I'll get by. Oh, yes, I'll get by. That title was taken from a song. It was? Yes, Dennis, I'll get by as long as I have you. You said it, kid. Rochester, what'd you call for? Well, boss, I want you to know that when you leave for New York tonight to do your television show, you'll be gone by train. By train? But Rochester, I've been dickering all week with the airplane company. They called and said they thought your proposition over, but decided against it. Against it? Yeah, they said they don't care if you do wear your Charlie's Ant costume, they don't need an extra stewardess. Well, that's too bad. And, boss, when I thought you were flying, I even saved on your luggage. How'd you do that? You know, your gray suit, the one that makes you look like Clark Gable? Yes. Well, I took the padding out of the shoulders and I put in two pairs of pajamas, ten pairs of socks, four suits of underwear and three dozen handkerchiefs. Well, good, good. In the other shoulder, I put your shirts, ties, sandwiches. When you get hungry, just reach up your sleeve and think you're a magician. Never mind. I just see that everything is packed. Now, goodbye, Rochester. I'll see you later. Oh, oh, say, boss. Now what? I've got a very funny joke for your radio program. A joke? What is it, Rochester? What is it? Well, ask Mr. Wilson if he knows why a tangerine is like a manhole cover. Oh, oh, thanks, Rochester. Thanks. Goodbye. Hey, Don. Oh, yes, Jack. Don, I just thought of the funniest joke. Do you know why a tangerine is like a manhole cover? No, Jack. Why is a tangerine like a manhole cover? Because, oh my goodness, I forgot to ask Rochester. How do you like that? Jack, what are you mumbling about? Nothing, nothing. Drop it. I won't drop it. Why is a tangerine like a manhole cover? Because Mr. Benny's the boss and if you don't shut up, you're fired. Thanks, Dennis. Oh, that's all right. You'll get fired as long as you have me. Oh, stop. Now, Don, we have to start our sketch pretty soon, but first, we've got to have the commercial. Oh, yes, Jack. And since this is the first Sunday of spring, the sportsmen have prepared an appropriate number, Mendelssohn-Springsaw. Mendelssohn-Springsaw? That's wonderful, Don. And there's a part in it for you where you play the violin. There wasn't till rehearsal when I made you put it in, you know. Now, hand me my violin. Okay, fellas. Now, I'm first in this. Mendelssohn-Springsaw. I think that we should have a... Commendary Sister Bay. Babe, this certainly is a pleasant surprise. You know my cast, don't you? Yes, Jack. I met them a long time ago. Hi, babe. Hello, Dennis. Say, Jack, he's cute. I love tenors. Really? Yes. You know, I used to be a tenor before. My voice changed. But you mentioned your voice, babe. I wish you'd try to raise it a little. You see, it might be confusing. What do you mean confusing? Well, people think they're hearing Tallulah on both networks. Will you raise it a little? I'll try, darling. Thanks. Now, tell me, how come you dropped in on the program, babe? Mary sent me. What? The doctor wants it to take it easy for another week or so. Oh, well, I wish I'd have known earlier. We're going to do our version of Sunset Boulevard today. And Mary was supposed to play Gloria Swanson's part. Well, Jack, why don't you let me play the Gloria Swanson role? You? But, babe, you haven't... You know, you haven't any acting experience. Well, Jack, I almost was an actress. You almost was an actor. Oh, that's all right. You were? When I graduated from high school, I didn't know whether I should become a radio actress or a stage actress. Oh, well, what'd you become? A mechanic. Well, babe, let me talk to Don a minute, will you? Don? Don, what do you think we ought to do? Well, Jack, what else can we do? It's too late to change the program. I know, Don, but letting her play Gloria Swanson's part. I mean, we're taking an awful chance. Babe never acted before. But, Jack, we're stuck, so we'll just have to do the best we can. Oh. Well, all right, babe, you can play the part that Gloria Swanson played in the picture. We'll try it. I'll play William Holden's part, and Dennis, you'll play Eric Von Stroheim's part. Eric Von Stroheim? Yes. But Babe looks more like him than I do. I want to play the part of a German butler. What? I don't want to play the part of a German butler. You'll play it, and that's all there is to it. Don, set the scene. All right. And now, ladies and gentlemen, represent our version of that picture which has won several Academy Award nominations, Sunset Boulevard. It'll make a great picture. A story, eh? Well, give me a brief outline. Yes, sir, yes, sir. Now, the hero of my story is a psychiatrist. Oh, no good, my boy, no good. The psychiatrist's recycle's done, washed up. The trend today is pictures like broken arrow. I know. You see, my hero is a half-breed psychiatrist. Here comes to him. You have a girl in the story? Yes, why? Dated stuff. Movie fans want animals in pictures like, like Lassie, Francis the Mule, Bonzo, the Chib. Oh, I know, I know. But the reason the girl is going to the psychiatrist is because her pet centipede has a complex. Ah, that's a good angle. A centipede with a complex. Yes, this centipede thinks his shoes are too tight and the girl's going broke buying him Dr. Scholl's footpath. That's a little too fantastic, my boy, too fantastic. As a writer, Gillis, you should realize that, well, hello, H.W. Hiya, J.S. I dropped in to ask if you'd like to have lunch with me and L.B. I'd like to H.W., but I got a lunch date with M.J. and B.G. Well, how about tonight I'm picking up J.T. and we're gonna have dinner with R.S.? I'm sorry, but I'm having dinner with Darryl Zanuck. Who? Well, I'll see you later, J.S. Goodbye, H.W. What do you want here? I pulled into your driveway. I thought this was an empty house. Well, it's not, so get out. All right, out. Wait a minute. I know your face. You're Norma Desmond. You used to be in pictures. You used to be big. I'm still big. It's the pictures that got small. I had a seven-inch screen. Miss Desmond, I've always been a fan of yours. I went to all your movies and you were a great actress on the stage, too. Yes, there was one role I played hundreds of times. I'll never forget my favorite speech. I always felt a thrill as I said it. How did it go? If I were king. Yes, if I were king. But that's a man's part. Now he tells me. Miss Desmond, since you've retired from pictures, how do you get money? Oh, I own some stock, some income property, several apartment houses, and I have oil wells up at Bakersfield that are pumping, pumping, pumping. Gee, stock, property, apartment houses, and oil wells that are pumping, pumping. What's your larger source of income? Shooting pool. This is a beautiful night. Let's go out for a ride. We can't use the car tonight. Why not? It's at the service station. It's up on the grass reek. You, too, it must run in the family. Look, Norm, I'm hungry. Let's go out and get something to eat. We don't have to go out. I'll have my butler prepare something for you. Oh, Max. You're mine, Frau Lein. What's the slowest, Mitchell? So I'm hungry. What can you make for me? Get dumps of roast, sour braten, viennese schnitzel, hot and pepper, and kuschlein mitzibelis. What's kuschlein mitzibelis? I didn't know. I told you I didn't want to play this part. Just bring me a ham sandwich. You're mine, here. Joe, dear, you have your sandwich. I'm going to change into something more comfortable. As I waited for my... This is a weird household, Norma. So possessive. And you keep watching me. Always watching. Oh, but I got a right to watch, because even though I am now her butler, once I was her 17th husband. You were her 17th husband? Who were the others? There was Branigan, Flanigan, Milligan, Gilligan. Stand aside. Mine here. I wouldn't leave here if I was you. Well, you're not me, so get out of my way. So what's the matter? Oh, Frau Lein, he's going to leave you. No, Joe, no. I've got to, Norma. Joe, you can't do this. Max, stop him. Look at me, Joe. Look at me. I can't face life without you. You're everything to me. My life, my love. If you go, I'll kill myself. Do you hear me? I'll kill myself. I'm a goodbye. You can't go, Joe. Nobody leaves a star. You this morning's Easter Parade. My luckies taste better than any other cigarette. You'll agree. Luckies taste better than any other cigarette. Luckies taste better than any other cigarette. And here's why. Fine tobacco. And only fine tobacco always gives you perfect mildness and rich, true tobacco taste. And every smoker knows, LSMFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Yes, with every lucky you like, you always get that happy blending of real mildness and rich, true taste. Now, if you're not happy with your present brand and a 38-city survey shows that millions are not, switch to Lucky Strike. You will agree, luckies taste better than any other cigarette. So be happy. Go lucky. Make your next carton Lucky Strike. Be happy. Go lucky. Go luck. For luckies taste better than any other cigarette. Ladies and gentlemen, immediately following next Sunday's radio program, I'll do my third television show. As my guest stars, I'll have Claudette Colbert, Robert Montgomery, and Basil Rathbone. This will be seen in the eastern area next Sunday, and two weeks later, it will be seen on the west coast by Kennesco. Happy Easter, everybody. Please turn your head down, and Claudette Colbert, immediately. The Jack Beniciole is heard by our Armed Forces overseas and so it is the Armed Forces Radio Service. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.