 Folks be sure to stay tuned to my friend Irma today until the end of the program when your friend Irma will have a surprising offer to make There she stands Irma Peterson my wonderful roommate and a girl who I am proud to say is so stupid She thinks flypaper is the stationery they use in airplanes That's nothing yesterday she took a package of ends and tied them all together So I said Irma, what's the idea and she said well a good housekeeper never leaves any loose ends lying around The housekeepers, stenographers, businessmen, everybody knows that ENNDS the really effective chlorophyll tablets are Wonderful to carry around because they stop triple all stop orders of body orders of breath order offense It's amazing, but one or two tiny ENNDS tablets daily stop all three forms of order offense Keep you fresh as a daisy all over all day And now ENNDS America's most popular chlorophyll tablets are proud to present your favorite comedy show created by Cy Howard and Starling Marie Wilson as Irma and Cathy Lewis as Jane in my friend Irma When you finish that magazine, can I have it? All right Jane? I'm just reading the news Look at this. What? It says President Truman to clean house. I guess the maid must have quit Well, maybe she saw her because she's the only one in Washington who didn't get a mink coat Listen to this Winston Churchill has sold his memoirs to Life Magazine for a quarter of a million dollars What about it? I wonder what I could get for mine Oh, I don't know 10 20 years Seriously, I've been keeping a diary and I think it's so good. It can be published You're kidding. No, it's all about my life from the time I left the farm in Minnesota Till the time I came to New York, and I got a great title for you. Was this trip necessary? Thank you, but I can figure out my own title now. Let's see Churchill have some very tough jobs to handle. That's why he's called his life trial by fire Well, I've seen the way you handle jobs cookie. Why don't you call yourself fired after every trial? Look Irma don't go off on another kick. Well, you put church. You've got all that money honey Churchill is a leader a diplomat a military man. What did justice record with the Navy leave me Jane? He hasn't fought off any more sailors than I have Oh, why don't you read my memoirs before your past judgment? Well, here it's right here on the table Must I please? Okay, honey. I'll try Let's see The life of Irma Peterson chapter one. I am born. I Was born on a farm in Minnesota in 1929. Wasn't that the year the whole country went to pot? No comments read on okay, my father and mother were very poor All they had was a cow named Alice one donkey and six pigs and I was a welcome addition to the family. Oh Good isn't it Jane? Do you think I can get life to buy this? Yeah, I think there's a chance you could get life for this Oh, I know what you mean Jane don't think it's very nice of you to discourage me Will you get one thing in your head or my everybody writes memoirs? But Turtles was bought because it was dramatic. It was full of action and he faced one crisis after another My life has been full of a crisis Look at this right here on page eight. I was going to school and they sent for my father It was a little red Come in. I miss Peterson. Oh Irma's father. I'm glad you came Mr. Peterson something must be done about this girl as you know, we took her IQ. Yes, I understand she owes the school five points She was showing some improvement, but now she's reached the age where she can't concentrate All she thinks about is boy boy. That's the only thing on her mind men. I'll show you Irma Will you please turn around? Daddy what is it teacher? What is the largest river in the United States? Mr. Sippy And what's the capital of the United States Boys Town? You see we have arrived at a crisis in this girl's life Either she gets better marks or I suggest you marry her off. Which shall it be daughter? Oh Daddy, of course. I want to stay in school all girls go through this stage But I'm fighting it off I'm not gonna think a minute or boys anymore. I'm through with them Well, I'm glad to hear you say that daughter because who knows if you get good marks in school They're liable to give you a fellowship. Oh, that's wonderful. What does he look like? The age of 16 I left for New York by mistake. I got on the cattle train It was a terrible trip. The food was dreadful I'll get it gladly Hi, Miss O'Reilly. You're in Grand Voice tonight. What's the name of that song? It's called. It's a sin But the professor says the way I sing it. It's not a sin. It's more of a crime I'm not interrupting anything but nothing Irma is reading her memoirs. Well, what do you know? I guess all we girls are the same, you know, I keep a diary Don't tell me you're thinking about having it published. Why not? It could sort of be the woman's answer to the Kinsey report I go all the way back to the Spanish-American War That far. Yes, and you should see how the service men used to hang around me house If it wasn't for me, goodness knows how many men would have gone down with the main Don't bother telling Jane about it to her. You're nobody unless you're Winston Churchill. I don't understand. Well, you see miss O'Reilly come in Hello girls and Mrs. O'Reilly tonight I got no insults for you. Well, thank you I just got one simple request. Please stop singing outside of my room You wake up the termites it reminds them that I still got some furniture left You've got the book in your hand. You're gonna swat flies No No, professor little miss Shakespeare has written her memoirs and because Winston Churchill had his published She thinks she should have hers published. I don't know where you girls get these ideas I remember the time Mrs. O'Reilly sent in her picture for the cover of a national magazine And why not they wanted a picture of an average girl who represented typically American womanhood Well there I can't argue because I have always felt that you were the type of woman that should be covered with a hood Believe me if they ever put your picture on the cover of look they would change the name of the magazine to save your eyes Almost stick to your guns. I guarantee some publisher would buy my diary if he had enough asbestos to print it on Mrs. O'Reilly you keep a diary Well, I think of it more as a score sheet It's a list of the men who have succumbed to me charms Well, you know you got a very good chance to sell it. They're always looking for horror stories Please we're not discussing miss O'Reilly's diary. I want to know who published my memoirs And must be the milkman at the back door Hello, miss Stacy. I saw your note here, but I'm sorry. I'm all out of sour cream. Well, no sour cream Sorry, oh just a minute. Mr. Milkman. Will you come in here? Well, what is it miss Peterson? Well, I have a book and I want the honest opinion of the man on the street Here I read this page and tell me what you think. Oh cookie Be glad to let's see when I was a 16 year old girl I came to New York. My first trip was to Grant's tomb. I waited around all day, but he did not come out. I Was very disappointed as Kerry Grant is my favorite actor How do you like it? Well miss Stacy as I was saying we have no sour cream But if you just hold this book over the sweet cream I left, I'm sure you'll get the same results. Goodbye Everybody the tides coming in again Irma honey, please understand. It's it's it's just that don't talk to me But I'm a darling if you'll just listen. No, I don't want to hear a word from any of you You're all against me. I'm gonna talk to the only person who really loves me out Irma Don't try to stop me You'll regret this day my memoirs will be published and who knows it may even win the pugilist prize The pugilist prize. Yes, it's very possible. This should knock out the publishing business in the first round Shoot get out of here giving up your old park bench. Yeah, I had an argument with Bernard Baruch What's that you got into your arm chicken sandwiches? No, that's a book. It's my life story my memoirs Have you got me in your book? Yes, I want to get it published out. Do you know a publisher? Oh sure no a good one my friend Benny. He prints them tip sheets for the racetracks Do you think he's a man to print my life story? Don't worry chicken He'll put a picture of you on the cover so people will know it ain't about a horse Sure. Here's his address. Oh, I'll call him up. Yeah, I don't know how much to ask for my story Oh be tough chicken Sony want five thousand dollars if the book is a winner and three and two for place and show Guard against triple. Oh, yes guard against triple all odor of breath odor of body odor offense If you've been using old-fashioned body deodorants mouthwashers toothpaste or deodorant soap to avoid offending now Here's an easier quicker much more effective way to keep fresh as a daisy all over all day long take ends today Chase triple oh away Yes, one or two tiny ends chlorophyll tablets protect you against all three odor of body odor of breath odor offense No, must no fuss stop triple. Oh in minutes prove it with a famous ends test rub an onion slice on your hand Now take an ends chlorophyll tablet moisten and rub it on the same spot the odors gone That's how ends work where odors begin inside your body to stop triple Oh, and remember ends contain 100 milligrams of fully effective dose of daratol chlorophyll Don't expect such lasting protection from cheap chewing gum and candy substitutes which contain so little chlorophyll take ends today Chase triple oh away Insist on ends called ends because they end your worries about triple. Oh, that's E N N DS ends chlorophyll tablets Say safe as any garden vegetable effective pleasant tasting trial size ends only 49 cents a drug counters everywhere Larger sizes even more economical and remember stay tuned to my friend Emma today to hear a surprise offer for you from your friend Irma has an appointment with a publisher. She won't tell me who he is But in her own mind her memoirs are as good as sold and is she acting the part Jane my dear Yes, look, what is it? What a lovely day isn't the weather congealing today Congealing what do you mean? I don't know but I think an author should use big words Well by all means it's so ricochet Cookies your book gonna have a dedication yes, Jane. I'm I'm dedicating it to you on the first page It will say to Jane Stacy my best friend without to whom I would be nothing Without to whom that's right. You must never split in the infirmary Sweetie Honey, I want you to know that nothing you ever do will touch me as much as the fact that you want to dedicate your memoirs to me Oh, thanks. Honestly, I love you for it. Thank you But at the same time Irma, I don't want to see you get hurt and and and and what if What if if they don't publish my book? Oh, they must love my book. I'm gonna be world-famous Well, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if I was buried in Westminster Lobby Well, they'll have to put up signs watch your step Remember you better get to the office. You have a boss who is an author mr. Clyde He writes those little pink slips that say you're fired Go on hurry up. Oh, I will oh and Jane. Do you think when I become a famous author? I should buy a doosenberg a doosenberg. Yeah, you know one of those big foreign dogs Goodbye miss Hemingway welcome miss Peterson, and how is my favorite banister today? Banister Yeah, that's English for lawyer. Oh is it banister? Well, I'm a little tired a lot of kids have been sliding down me today What's the idea of the fancy talk well, I've become an author Miss Peterson. I've told you a dozen times to be careful in the subway. You've hit your head on the turnstile again Really, I've written a book the story of my life. Mm-hmm. What are you calling it? Why was I born? No, it hasn't got a title yet, but I have an appointment with the publisher and I want you to draw up a contract I wouldn't think of it. Please mr. Clyde It's for my future and besides you'll be famous. I wrote about you and my memoirs wait a minute What did you write? Oh, it's very flattering. I wrote what a big criminal lawyer. You are I laid it on you did yes. In fact, I said that no lawyer in the state has a bigger criminal record You take me out of that book at once. Do you hear but it's already read take me out the contract. It's blackmail Very well, what do you want me to put in the contract? Oh See well, if my life is made into a movie I want my part to be played by a suitable star. Do you wish me to specify anyone in particular? Do you have anyone in mind? Yes, Francis the talking mule Oh Mr. Clyde now, this is very serious. Do you realize how much money Winston Churchill made on his memoirs as Peterson? There's a slight difference Churchill was valued. He never stooped before a conqueror. What about me? It's the reverse. No one ever conquered your stupidity That just in case some publisher is sore enough at the world to print this monstrosity of yours make sure you get a royalty Nothing doing. I'm not gonna give up my citizenship for anyone Publishing company. Oh dear close by order of the police Yes, miss I was in the neighborhood I'm looking for a publisher and I saw the sign on the door. I see I mr. Brooks Is that the manuscript under your arm? Yes, it's my memoirs. Oh, have you used the current technique? You know a introspective? No, I've kept it clean It's a story of my life May I see it? Yes, I changed the beginning to Jane Stacey Without to whom I would be nothing Hmm. I live in New York City with Jane and the professor and Mrs. O'Reilly people. I think the world Think the world Well, I left out of because you can't end a sentence with a pronoun So I took all the words. I had to leave out and put them on three separate pages in back of a book My my it's it's four o'clock. I'm late for tea. Good. Bye Ernest Hemingway You're hot. Well, I've just taken that for my pen name. I'm a Peterson doesn't seem to get me very far Oh, what can we do for you? Well, it says on the door professor Nicholas author's institute I've written a book may I see it here I live in New York City and People I think the world Could you leave this here miss? We usually don't publish books, but I'm sure professor Nichols would be interested in seeing this Oh, thank you. And I want to call a book halfway to heaven halfway to heaven What an unusual title, right? You get it for my boss. He always says I'm dead from the neck up Irma honey stop that whimpering But it's been five days and I haven't heard from professor Nichols. Don't take it. It's a hard time So what if you're not a writer? What's so good about being a writer? Most of them are starving. They live in a cold dark garret with no furniture no plumbing They come to think of it. All I need is a pencil Hermedon and laugh it off Personally, I don't see why you want the whole world to know about your life I like to keep the men guessing about me age and my beauty secrets. You know sort of a human quiz program And that's how I think of you miss. I'll be a quiz program Because every time I look at your red hair your pearly teeth and your fluttering eyelashes. I say to myself True or false Look who's talking your skinny old needle nose I've got a good mind to run the thread through your ears and darn me stockings Yes, this is Irma Peterson Oh professor Nichols get rid of my book. Oh, I see they added today's paper. Oh, thank you mr. Nichols. Good. Bye. Congratulations Glory me. Oh, isn't that wonderful and all you people thought I had no talent Oh, honey, I can't wait till a paper boy gets here so we can see the ad I can't get over it. I'm a famous author Now let me see How do authors spend their money? First, I'll buy a mansion in france. You know a chapeau Yeah, and you could buy one of those stunning ferrisian gowns, you know a crepes Suzette The paper boy come here. Hey, uh, get in. Oh el wait till you hear the news Uh professor Nichols is sending me $100 for my life story. Well ain't that great always thought well of this author racket Friend of mine does terrific like numbers Is that today's paper? Oh, let me see it. Yeah, and I said page 12 Here it is professor Nichols author's institute. Oh, look everybody look they quote the beginning of my book Oh I live in new york city with jane and the professor and mrs. Oh riley people. I think the world firma Read the big printing underneath I used to write this way before I took professor Nichols writing court firma and jane will be back in a moment and you'll hear that surprise offer We've been talking about but first can't anything be done about triple Oh Yes, here's amazing news about a scientific odor test eight out of 10 men and women stopped or definitely reduced triple all Stopped odor of bodies stopped odor of breath stopped offending executive secretaries clerks even factory workers at 110 degrees heat Took ends chlorophyll tablets results from thousands of examinations were astounding working inside the body where odors begin Ends actually prevented unpleasing odors from forming Stopped odors of body odors of breath offensive odors of any kind stopped all three. Yes There's scientific proof that ends really stop triple all Keep you fresh as a daisy all over all day long You get more complete more lasting protection against triple all then from any old-fashioned body deodorant Toothpaste soap mouthwash and ends are so easy to use safe Safe as any green vegetable pleasant tasting ends contain 100 milligrams of fully effective dose of daritol chlorophyll So beware of cheap chewing gum or candy substitutes that contain so little chlorophyll Or that failed to state their chlorophyll content on the label insist on ends chlorophyll tablets That's ends. E n n d s Trial size only 49 cents larger sizes even more economical stop triple all with ends To those gentlemen who award the Nobel prize Will you please scratch out ermah peterson's name? She ain't running In fact, she's given up all thought of publishing her memoirs at present What made you decide that ermah? Well, I don't think I've had enough experience yet Oh, I see Lincoln and Henry Ford and Roosevelt all had their biographies published after they were dead. Maybe I'll write better by then Hope didn't she brilliant. Well, how would you like to have your friend ermah work for you for one day in your office? Yes, this is a serious offer for the highest about bid ermah peterson will come to your hometown Be at north south east of west and work for you for a full day And the full amount which you paid for her services will go directly to the march of dimes fund For the fight against the dread disease infantile paralysis That's right My friend ermah in person will be secretary to the man or woman in the united states who sends in the highest bid for her services So don't hesitate write or wire in to my friend ermah cbs hollywood And who knows you may have the pleasure of being able to tell your grandchildren I had my friend ermah as my secretary And you'll have the greater pleasure of being able to tell them that the money you paid went to the march of dimes Ermah, I just think it's wonderful of you to make this offer. But what if you have to go far far away? Save into uh, illinois how go all I've got to do is learn the language of the people in illinois speak You know folks, I want to join in asking you to make the highest bids possible because when you do You'll be making an awful lot of people happy not to mention me and My friend ermah My friend ermah is a sci-howard production and is directed by park levy who writes the script with stanley adams Pat Burton is a social producer marie wilson is stardis ermah and kathy louis is jane the part of al was played by john brown Hans khanry was heard as professor karpotkin Gloria gordon as mrs. O'reilly and alan reid as mr. Clyde music was under the direction of lad ruskin You can't have a sparkling personality if you don't have sparkling eyes And you can't have sparkling eyes if they're tired dull red from lack of sleep driving wind or glare So get eye gene one or two drops in each eye float away that tired eye feeling leave eyes refreshed Then your whole face lights up eye gene is like a prescription contains lexatol tonic for your eyes Save gentle eye gene e y e g e n e at drug counters everywhere trial size only 25 cents larger sizes even more economical Be with us next sunday at this time when ends america's most popular chlorophyll tablets again bring you my friend ermah call caruso speaking Stay tuned for armist brook darling e mardon with quality immediately on most of these same cbs station My friend ever was transcribed of the cbs radio network