 Last night I had the weirdest dream. I dreamt I was having sex with Halle Berry. I wonder what it means. On today's program Lorraine Newman, Paul Dooley and Robert Smigel. The David Feldman program may contain trace elements of satire and may not be suitable for tiny minds that were towels in public saunas because they're ashamed of how small they are. The David Feldman radio program is made possible by listeners like you. You sad pathetic humps. Welcome to the broadcast. Despite what you might have read, country singer Reba McIntyre is alive. You know, every time I hear about one of those internet death hoaxes I think Bill Gates must be turning over in his grave. Facebook is going public and not just with all our private information. Facebook announced an initial public offering this week thereby turning Facebook's founder Mark Zuckerberg into a very rich man. Who would have ever guessed there was that much money to make off having millions of people writing for you for free? I mean besides Ariana Huffington. And Happy Black History Month. Or as Newt Gingrich calls Black History Month, Food Stamps Brewery. Food Stamps Brewery. I don't want to say Newt Gingrich's presidential campaign is dead but Mitt Romney just baptized it in the Mormon church without his permission. By the way, that's what Mitt did to his father-in-law. And Romney's dad died, a devout, hard-drinking atheist. But right after he croaked, Mitt had him baptized in the Mormon church despite a living will that specifically stated, after I die, do not baptize me in the Mormon church. But Mitt Romney baptized him anyway. Wow. That's pretty horrible. The worst thing I ever did to my father-in-law was marry his daughter. Happy Anniversary. I should mention it's February 3rd, which is our 22nd anniversary and I'm proud to say I can still fit into her wedding dress. As I was saying, the Florida primary was Tuesday and Gingrich lost big but Newt is not dropping out. Newt assured his supporters he's staying put straight through the convention and not leaving because his race for the presidency isn't some cancery chick. He's tired of ban- You know, after all those vicious personal attacks this week between Romney and Gingrich, I just hope the rest of America isn't left with the impression that Republicans are vicious people. Mitt Romney was unapologetic about going negative in this week's Florida primary. Mitt said, when taking fire, I shoot back. Mitt learned that the hard way during the Vietnam War when he was a brave Mormon missionary in Paris. In that same interview, Romney said, a leader can focus on the very poor, but that's not my focus. You know, there ought to be a law against these right-wing politicians constantly quoting Jesus. If elected, Romney won't focus on the poor unless you count creating more of them. Romney won big on Tuesday by spending millions telling Florida that Washington has to stop thinking every problem can be solved by throwing money at it. Well, tomorrow, voters in Nevada go to the polls and Mitt Romney looks like he's going to win big after picking up an endorsement from Donald Trump. Donald Trump and Mitt Romney are living proof that there is no limit to how much you can achieve in this great country of ours so long as you're willing to have incredibly rich parents. For more on tomorrow's Nevada caucus, we are joined now by Donald Trump. Thank you, David. What a pleasure it is to do your show. Thank you, sir. Less frequently. See what I did there? Yes, very clever, sir. I made a joke about your show being something nobody wants to do. This week... You know, like Rosie O'Donnell. Who would want to do her? So this... Who would want to do her? This week you endorse Mitt Romney. I think he's a terrific man, David, just like Rosie O'Donnell. Okay, if we could just stay on Mitt Romney. Now, you think he should be the nominee. I think Mitt's great. I think he's terrific. I'm very fond of him. Even if Bane Capital did steal the phrase, you're fired. You can have that one, David. That's not me. Thank you. That's free. That's all yours. Very gracious of you. Gratis. That means free. That's a term I learned at Wharton. I believe it's Latin. You're fired. Mr. Trump, why Romney? Mitt and I are kindred spirits, David. We have a lot in common. How is that? Well, Mitt's hair has died, and mine died 12 years ago. You see what I did that time? Yes, yes, I see. I made a joke about my hair being a dead animal. It takes a big man to make jokes at his own expense. And I just did because I'm a big man. I'm huge. Ask all my wives. Speaking of wives, have you seen Anne Romney? Mitt's wife, yes. She's insanely doable. If I could have six or seven wives like that, I'd be a polygamist, too. I don't believe Mitt Romney is a polygamist. You realize he's a Mormon, right? He doesn't hide that, like Obama. He's right out there upfront with being a polygamist. I believe it's in his birth certificate, David. Under religion. I don't have it in front of me, but I've seen it in my hands. And it says that he has about five wives on his birth certificate. What about Romney's business record? Will that be a liability in tomorrow's caucus? David, people attack Bain Capital, but did you know they're responsible for staples? Yes, I read that. You know who could really benefit from staples? Rosie O'Donnell and her gigantic whale gut. She's a pig, David, who needs her stomach stapled. Okay, Mr. Trump, we're on Pacifica Radio. And her mouth. Can we please... This is a comedy show, isn't it, David? Yes, but... I'm trying to help you as best I can. I know you're dying. I know you're a sinking ship. This is a sinking ship, David. It's like you're not a host. You're an Italian sea shipment. If I were you, I would just thank my lucky stars right now. This particular episode can be huge. With all due respect, it's inappropriate to talk about somebody's weight. In fact, you're not so thin yourself. Oh, I'll admit that, David. And now that I'm voting for Romney, instead of a girdle, I'm wearing magic spanks. You follow? Yes, I follow. Mr. Trump, Mitt Romney is a Mormon. A Mormon? Yeah, and Mormons wear magic underwear. I really think... I'm going to wear it, yes. I think we're veering off... Mitt Romney is so rich. I said Mitt Romney is so rich. Hello? Yeah? I said Mitt Romney is so rich. Hello? Hello? Yes. I just said Mitt Romney is so rich. Aren't you going to ask me how rich he is? No, I want to talk about the casino magnet, Sheldon Adelson. Mitt Romney is so rich. The skid marks on his magic underwear are gold. That's how rich he is. They're gold. His skid marks on his magic Mormon underwear. Okay, that is just not appropriate for Pacific. Here's another one. Rosie O'Donnell is so fat. Fine, I'll bite. How fat is she? She's so fat. Mr. Trump, you wore me down. I'm playing along. How fat is she? I just told you, she's so fat. That's the answer. That's it? That's it. No, that's it. Sure, that's it. Yes. That's it. That's it. That's all you need to know about Rosie O'Donnell. I thought there was more. No. That's it. Now looking ahead to the... She's fat. Now looking ahead to the Nevada caucus, how important will voter turnout in Las Vegas be? Rosie O'Donnell is so fat. She has to hire North American van lines to move her bowels. Can we please talk about the presidential election? Because they're huge. Because they're huge, David. Rosie O'Donnell's bowels are huge. Mr. Trump, this is not the direction I wanted this interview to take. I'm sorry. I apologize. Thank you. Thank you. Now, can we please talk about the Nevada caucus? Yes, go ahead. Sheldon Adelson, the casino magnate. He's been giving Newt Gingrich millions of dollars. Yes, he has. Mr. Sheldon Adelson is a Jew and Newt's a huge supporter of Israel. Yes, exactly. Thank you. You know who else is a huge supporter of Israel? Rosie O'Donnell. You know why she's a huge supporter of Israel? Because she's huge. No. No, David. Because she believes Israel is the only legitimate democracy in the Middle East. Again, I thought you were going to make a tasteless joke. About Israel? No. Never. Never. It's so fat when she goes to Israel, Orthodox Jews slip prayer cards into her. Get it? They think she's the wailing wall. Okay. All right. Now. But she's not. She's just a whale that's short for wailing. She's a whale because she's huge. You know why Rosie O'Donnell doesn't date Jewish girls? I have no idea. Oh, I thought you might know. I guess I'll have to ask somebody else. That's it. Again, I thought you were making a joke. No. I thought you might know why Rosie doesn't date Jewish women. Okay. Now Las Vegas is a big union town, so what kind of voter turnout are they expecting? Because Jewish women don't eat pig. What? That's why Rosie O'Donnell doesn't date Jewish girls. Okay. That's just wrong. No, it's not. Jews don't eat pig. Look it up. Look it up. All right. Thank you, Mr. Trump. We're done. You're fired. I approve this message. Hello, I'm Kalista Gingrich. During my husband Newt's historic run for the presidency, many have focused on his past as an adulterous, unfaithful lech. Some have even wondered why I would date and then marry such a thoroughly reprehensible human being. Well, the truth is I admired Newt's political principles, and I shared his vision for a strong and free America. Also, I have low self-esteem and serious daddy issues, but I am here to tell you from the bottom of my heart that Newt Gingrich is a changed man. He's a devout Catholic and a dependable husband. I assure you whenever Newt wants to fulfill his ravenous sexual needs, he always comes to me. Always. Every night. Every single, every night, he gets on top of me like a fleshy drooling garbage disposal. Every night, he wanders into our rim smelling of KFC and the Heritage Foundation. Every night, the only relief I have from his smug, multi-chinned face is when he finally puts on his sleep apnea mask. Every night, he treats my vagina like a chamber being called to order by his speaker scabble. Every night, he likes it rough. It makes me wear a fake wolf blitzer beard. Every night, he is faithful to me, relentlessly faithful, disgustingly faithful, unforgivingly faithful, and so I must ask the electorate to stop judging him and for somebody, anybody, please kill me, dear God! Please kill me, kill me now! Thank you. I'm Newt Gingrich and I approve this message. I'm Barack Obama. I approve this message and ask for your vote. It's morning again in America. Today, more men and women will wake up than ever before in our nation's history. To unemployment rates, three-tenths of a percentage point off record highs not seen since the Great Depression. A child wakes up to hot breakfast on the table because her mom and dad's unemployment benefits have been extended six more months. Next door, a dad leaves for the furniture factory because his union wisely accepted the necessary rollbacks to compete in a global economy. Nearly 2,000 families today will get to stay in their homes as the bank can't find their original loan documents. This afternoon, 6,500 young couples will walk down the aisle. Three or four of those weddings will be the same-sex couples whose marriages are recognized in nearly six states, more than at any time in our nation's history. And with our national debt at its highest level ever, they can look forward to the future with confidence, knowing mathematically speaking, things can't possibly get any worse. And if things do get worse, it won't be worse by that much. Mathematically speaking, it's morning again. In America, and under the leadership of President Obama, things are a little bit better. I'm Barack Obama. I approve this message and ask for your vote. According to an article in this week's New York Times, the private school Horace Mann charges $40,000 a year for preschool, for each kid, 40 grand. You know, for 40 grand, my idiot kid better be coming home each day with a finger painting and a brand new refrigerator to hang it on. If you're spending 40 grand on a preschool, you're not doing it because you love your kid. You're doing it because you hate blacks and Hispanics. It's preschool. Your kid is four. What could these children possibly gain by attending a $40,000 a year preschool? I'm hungry. Are you hungry, Milo? A little. Excuse me, Mr. Frane. Before we color Milo, I know you're hungry. Of course, Lori. Patrick, table three. Hello, children. I'm Patrick. I'll be taking your order today. Do we know what we'll be having? What's good? I want something good. Well, the library paste has been doing very well lately. No, no, no. You know what I want? Do you have Play-Doh? Oh, yes. Today we have both the red and the blue. Oh, blue. I want the blue. An excellent choice, Miss. And how would you like that prepared? Can you do the strewter that makes it, like, star-shaped? That's extruder, certainly. I'll have that for you in just a few moments. And for you, sir. I'll just stick with the boogers. Very good, sir. We have some excellent French boogers this morning. Or if the salt content is a concern, I believe we have some Moroccan boogers down on the cellar that are quite mild but of an exquisite consistency. Um, can I just eat my own boogers? Of course. Okay, good. But there is a small corkage fee. Please welcome Will Ryan and the Cactus County Cowboys. For the clouds to roll, I've got things to do. But what can I say? It's just another lake. For the clouds to up and go. So I'll guess I'll need for the clouds to roll. But what can I say? What can I say? Just another lake. Cactus County Cowboys. That was fantastic as usual. And remind us who's in the Cactus County Cowboys. Sure, Davey. Well, tonight we've got on Claire Annette and helping me out with the vocal a little bit is Cactus Chloe Fiorenzo. Right, Chloe? Yup. And on guitar, we've got John Reynolds himself. Say hi, John. Hello, everyone. Thank you, guys. Thanks, Davey. My goodness, Mitt, it's seven o'clock already. Oh, another late night, you crazy kid. By the way, Ann, do you know what month it is? Is it February already? Yes, which means according to the Mormon doctrine we're scheduled to assume our procreation station. Well, Mitt, I still haven't finished putting away those 50 cases of cling peaches and dried chip beef that we Mormons are supposed to store in the bedroom for the coming Armageddon. The cling peaches can wait. And you promise me then in February you do a strip tease. What for March? It was February, you tweety bird. Oh, Mittens. When you get potty mouth, you look so macho. OK, I'll do it. I'm going to do a strip tease out of my magic undergarments. Sweet mother of Joseph Smith. I am trying to take, taking it. There it is. Got it. Off. Hot cha-cha. Oh. Oh. That's it. Oh. There. Right. Where? Correct. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Yes. Right. I like it. Lovely. Yummy. Excellent. Right. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Wow, Aunt, haven't heard you this excited since you found that recipe for Lady Baltimore cake. Mitt, that's not me moaning. I thought it was you. Oh, I don't even know how to moan. Then who? That was me, you rotten pair of weasels. Who are you? Don't you know me, you pious prig? I am Edward Davies, the ghost of your father-in-law. Daddy, what are you doing in my bedroom? Hovering in a ghostly fashion, over 50 cases of clean peaches. Are these packed in water or syrup? You're dead. Going by what I've seen here, so are you. Corps has turned up the heat more than you do with helmet head over there. Get thee away from me, ye demon. Corket, you blow-dried sack of sanctimony. You're the one that had me baptized Mormon as soon as I died. Baptizing ancestors is a proud Mormon tradition. It gives them a chance to gain salvation. Take fair to sneak up on a man when he's taking the dirt nap. I was a stone atheist, but as soon as they shoved me in the casket, the pair of ye ghouls threw with some hoodoo my way and rectilactively Mormonized my deceased derriere. What's wrong with that, Daddy? I'm not allowed to drink coffee, smoke, or have a stiff drink. All the things that make death worth living. I've got a permanent headache from caffeine withdrawal and a case of the DTs for the rest of eternity. Papa Davies, according to our scriptures, since you were baptized into the church, you get to rule a planet after your death. Jumping Jehoshaphat, an entire planet without a single Starbucks on it, and not a saloon to be had for love of money. The entire place is drier than my daughter's- Daddy! Now unbaptize me and let me rest at peace. Don't you see? The fact that you're a ghost proves we were right. What are you babbling about, plastic man? Daddy, what plas- I mean, what Mitt is saying is that if you're here, Daddy, it means that there's an afterlife and there is a God. There's no God. Daddy, how can you be so sure? Because Whitney Cummings has two shows on network TV. Well, I like Whitney Cummings. I've never heard of her. Hello, Steven Spielberg's mother. Leah, it's me, your cousin Phyllis, on your father's side. Oh, Steven Spielberg's mother's cousin. It's been a while. Well, you know, we moved Milton and I to Dallas. You moved? Get out of town! We did. Six years ago. That's when I developed this terrible Texas twang. Oh, how awful. I went to a specialist. It didn't help. I hope you can still understand me. I thought it was the connection. Anyway, I just called to say, I'm so sorry. For what? For your laws. My laws? The passing. What passing? The way he was passed over. Pass over? It's not even poem yet. Steve- Right, war horse. He wasn't nominated. It's a shame and a shonder and a tragedy. Well, what can I say? It's very political. It's who you know and who you don't know. Who you knew, who's a Jew, who's not a Jew. You know, who knows? Well, I know. Oh, he takes this in his stride. But did you cover the mirrors? Well, I do that anyway. Well, don't get me started on war horse. A very difficult shoot. You mean because of the manure? Well, that too. But this horse could not take direction. So it was a method horse? It would not come out of its trailer. Highly neurotic? Oh, very unstable. I mean, a horse is a horse, of course. But no one directs a horse, of course, unless, of course, the horse has remorse. You're so wise. You go back to the source. Well, I'm Scorpio with Sorus Rising. The truth is, he's a born filmmaker. Oh, Stephen was fascinated by motion pictures from a very early age. A toddler? A fetus. While he was still in utero. I would sit close to the TV and watch a million dollar movie. He loved Citizen Kane. He gave it three kicks. Hang on, that's my other line. Hello, Steven Spielberg's mother. I'm sorry, I have to take this. It's Marty Scorsese's sister. Of course. That's our show. Thanks for listening. Today's program featured Lorraine Newman, Paul Dooley, Robert Smigel, Mark Thompson, Janie Haddad-Thomkins, Lynn Lipton, Chris Pinna, and Winnie Holtzman. This show was written by Steve Rosenfield, Robert Smigel, Ray James, Frank Conniff, Dylan Brody, Guy Nicolucci, Winnie Holtzman, Lynn Lipton, and Paul Dooley. We are mixed and engineered by Alex Steen, edited by Darren Ayres, and our production assistant is Alisa Cordova. Our executive producer is Troy Conrad. Special thanks to Matt Perez, Ali Lexa, Jimmy Dore, and of course, Alan Minsky. Please like our show on Facebook. You can email me at David at DavidFeldmancomedy.com. For additional material and podcasts, please visit DavidFeldmanComedy.com, and while you're over there, please join our mailing list. From the KPFK Studios in Southern California, I'm David Feldman.