 We invite you to enjoy life, life with Luigi, a new comedy show created by Psyhard and starring that celebrated actor, Mr. J. Carol Mash, with Alan Reed as Foswally. When Luigi Basko left Italy to start his new life in America, he promised his mother that he would write and tell her about his adventures. So now, let's read Luigi's letter as he writes to Mama Basko in Italy. Good evening, Mama Basko. It's now summertime in Chicago, and everybody is feeling very, very hot. Last week, I'm reading the paper in a weather column. It's to say, max, a temperature hundred and two. Next today was a max of temperature hundred and three. After that, the max is a hundred and four. But yesterday, I must say that the max is a temperature of 98. They must have given a max of penicillin because he's a back of the norm. One thing they got in America to keep it cool is air conditioning. Mama Mia, I'm explaining to you what's this air conditioning. In the wintertime, you've got a good chance to catch it in pneumonia. But in a case you're missing in the wintertime, there is air conditioning which will give you a chance to catch it in the summer. You can also see by my right hand that this air conditioning is to give me a horse's throat. But the strangest thing, the strangest thing Mama Mia about America is the summer vacation. City people, they run to the country. Country people, they run to the city. T-shirt people, they run to the mountain. As in a mountain of people, they run to the seashore. Mama Mia seems like nobody is to take a vacation. They're just a change in the place. Who else is hot tonight? Hannah, it would be nice to take a walk in a park. But it's a time for my night school class and I'm ready to be there than any other place. America, I love you. You like the papa to me. Promotion, reflection. All right class, class, it's a hot night so let's pay attention. I'll call the roll. Mr. Baskow. Present. Mr. Howard. Present. Mr. Olson. Present. Mr. Schull. Present. Mr. Schultz, you are present. You are not perspiring. No. Somebody must have hit me in the face with a red face. Please, Mr. Schultz, it's hot enough. Why must you remind us? At misfolding. Yes, Mr. Howard. If you would be so kind as to listen to our suggestion of mine, I would like to make it. Yes. On one of these hot days, why can't we hold our class on the beach? Well, Howard, that's a wonderful idea. I've never been to the beach before and I'm a lover to go. Well, it's a cool suggestion, but what could we possibly study on the beach? What could you study on the beach? I'm not for me. Mr. Schultz, please. Oh, wait a minute, Mr. Schultz. Who is studying history, spelling anything? Luigi, you study what you want, I study what I want. Mr. Schultz, I think I gave birth to a good idea. Not only could we study lessons, but we could also bring along sandwiches and we'll make a beach party. Ah, zone school. Oh, please, Mr. Schultz, let's go. Mr. Schultz, if I may be permitted a few words. I don't like the idea. I don't think we should have a class on the beach. What is the matter? Oh, stop, Olsen, you can come too. On the hot days, there's nothing like having along a wet blanket. Besides, I do my homework in the daytime. And my schoolwork to me is more important than wasting an afternoon on a hot crowded beach. In other words... In other words, you got bandy legs and you're ashamed to be seen in the basin. That isn't true, Schultz. I haven't got bandy legs. No? Olsen, when you cross your legs, your knees are still 11 inches apart. I do your better, Mr. Schultz. Ah, Olsen, I am talking about you being bandy-legged. You should see me in a bathing suit. I look like a wishbone with skin. Olsen, Olsen. Olsen, you come along, too. Bye. I think I come. I would like to be Mrs. Olsen, too. A wonderful idea. My wife would love to come along, too. All right, I'll bring my wife too. But wait a minute for class. I'm another wife, so I guess I'm out of luck. Ach, Luigi, for being so ignorant, you deserve to be married. I'm married. I've got to have a girl for Luigi. That's right, Olson. But how? Yeah. No, wait a minute. Luigi, let me hear you whistle. All right, sir. Don't worry, he'll get a girl! Look, look, Luigi, when you see a beautiful girl on the beach, you walk over to her and ask her what time it is. But I should, sir, I'm a carrier pocketer watcher. Then you ask her what day it is, what month it is, what year it is. But I should, sir, I'm always a carrier pocketer calendar, too. Then walk over to her and ask her for a life. But I should, sir, I'm always a carrier matcher. You know something, Luigi? You must be wearing the bulkiest bathing suit in your garden. Right, Luigi, I've got a girl for you. Charlie Smith. Oh, you should see her. A doll. A picture for a girl. But, Harowitz, do you think this girl would go out to with me? Why not? Luigi, a fellow like you, I'll always recommend to a girl. Well, thank you, Harowitz. Well, everything's all settled now, huh? Except... Mischwoldy! What about you? Well, I don't see you coming with us tomorrow. Well, I don't know. Oh, come on, Mischwoldy. After all, beautiful girl like you. Well, I'd like to come. Oh, but you're going to look like with a bathing suit. Well... Charlie, you should have more respect. Mr. Olsen, don't interrupt when Mr. Schultz is speaking. Luigi, my friend. I love Luigi, I love, I love. Oh, but, buddy, I'm so happy. I've been to America more than a year. But tomorrow, I'm going to the beach, and I'm going into the ocean for the first time. Good. I'll go along with you and break a bottle of champagne over your head. That's a funny joke, isn't it? It's a funny joke, yes. Hey, Luigi, you're making me happy because I know if you go to the beach, you're going with a girl. And if you go with a girl, you're going with my daughter, Rosa, yes? I'm not going with your daughter, Rosa. No. What I'm laughing about, so, Luigi, what do you talk? Rosa, she's crazy about the beach. And wait till you see her in a new bathing suit. This is so much at the pinch. You're going to go crazy with the power. Believe me, Luigi, she's a sight. That's a cannibalism. Luigi, when you see my Rosie in that bathing suit, right away you think of Esther Williams. If I'm a see-ros in a bathing suit, I have to think of Esther Williams. No, please, Pasquale, excuse me. I'm going to buy myself a bathing suit. You see, I'm going out with a girl, Shirley Smith. Luigi, my little banana nose. If you needed a girl to take her to the beach, why, you know, ask my Rosa first? Well, Pasquale, the whole thing has happened so fast. I've been in trouble with you. Luigi, why all the time you're running around like a crazy man on a Thanksgiving, with two pound of chicken, when all the time in my house you can find a nice plump of turkey. Are you so right, Pasquale? Rosa is a real turkey. That's a funny thing. When I'm a sailor, it's a commodity for her. Look, Luigi, what's it if the Shirley Smith's the guy? Please, Pasquale, it's no use to talk. Horowitz has already made the data for me. So, if you'll excuse me, I go out and I want to buy my bathing suit. All right, go, go, go. You're so anxious to show off a girl with a fancy bathing suit. I've got a good notion of bathing a suit. Sit down with my little pumpkin ahead. Luigi, no matter what's happened with you and Rosa, you and me we're still a friend. Oh, thank you, Pasquale. I'm alike to hear you say that. Sure, Luigi. I'm going to help you like a mama tiger to help a little baby deer. Luigi, when you go out with a girl you don't want to spend your last money on a bathing suit. You want to spend that money on a girl. Well, that's all right, Pasquale. But I'm going to get a bathing suit. That's the way I come in. Luigi, I'm going to give you one of mine. Oh, thank you, Pasquale. And you're so good to me. But wait a minute, you were the size of 54. Luigi, this is a French style of bathing suit. You've got to figure with a foreign exchange. Oh. See, three Franks are worth the one American Adali. You take a 54, slice it by three, you come out 18. But Pasquale, my size is a 38. Let me finish. When you trade from French to American they always give you a bonus. So you take 18, you add a 20, it's a 38. Just to my size. Oh, you lucky tub for you. Oh, Luigi, you're going to look good in this bathing suit. It's not the ordinary type. This one has got stripes. Stripes? Only on the shirt. Or the latest model, only half a sleeve. And you should see the trunks, Luigi. They've got the new look. I don't know look. That's right. It comes below the knees. Best of all, Luigi, in the back it's got little holes, especially for cross-eventilation. It's called the peek-a-boo type. Pasquale, that's a sound of very modern. Modern, Luigi. You know how summer suits are really diving and it's a say, Gansen on it? Yes. Well, in this suit there's a picture of a man smoking a cigar and it's a say, Voter for President McKinley. President McKinley. Oh, Pasquale, it's a sound of wonderful. Yeah, Luigi, when you walk on the beach with your girl, nobody's going to look out of her. All eyes is it going to be out of you. And now for the second act of Luigi Vasco's adventures in Chicago, we turn to page two of his letter to his mother in Italy. And so, Mamma Mia, soon I'm going to meet all of my friends and this is the girl who's surely at the beach. I hope she's going to like me. Since I'm going to get up at six o'clock this morning, I'm so nervous I'm going to shave her myself for three times. Then I find out there was a no-blade and a razor, so now I'm going to shave her myself again. A little while ago, Pasquale is bringing his bed in his suit nice and neat to pack it up. He said, I have a funny smell there. So I'm going to ask Pasquale what it is, and he's telling me it's a new perfume called Evening in the Marta Bars. Well, as soon as it's going to be my first time at a beach, then I'm going to meet this girl, Shirley. I'm going to hardly wait. Luigi, my fellow boob. Hello, sir. Are you ready? Am I ready? Look at me. From my deliga death I brought along enough sandwiches to kill an army. Sir, you mean it to feed an army? Don't tell me about my sandwich. Come on, Luigi. All right, sir. Sir, tell me, what I should do to make a good impression on this girl, Shirley? Luigi, take a tip for me. Girls go crazy about fellas, but make love to them. Huh? So, sir, what are you talking about? You make a love to a girl on her first date? Sure, you sit down on the van. You put your head on her shoulder. She puts her head on your shoulder. And all day long, you're like a couple of bookends. But it shoots the water for we go in the water. You do the same thing, only your whole feet. Oh, I should tell you just to make it a fun. No, Luigi, believe me. I know girls. In Italy, you serenade a girl under a balcony with a guitar. In France, you get a bottle of wine and you whisper sweet words in a cabaret. But in America, you take her to the beach, you buy her a hot dog and a Coke and you spend the rest of the day trying to get a return on your investment. What a... what a shoot, sir. I'm not going to try like you say. What, to believe in me, I'm not going to be nervous. Oh, I wish I was single again. Oh, I never forget my first date. I met her in Apple Valley Inn. Oh, she was such a peach. Such a peach. What do you mean, such a peach? The name of the peach was Apple Valley Inn. I mean, the name of the inn was Apple Valley P... Luigi, you are getting me all for shimmer. I'm sorry, sir. Anyway, this date with that peach in Apple Valley Inn was so sweet. She had lips like ruby cherries and eyes like drapes. You like her, I should say. Oh, Luigi, all I can say is for two weeks was nothing but fruit salad. But I should say, you're making her feel better already. I'm not going to be so nervous. That's good, Luigi. Now come on, we go. Who are we going to have fun on that beach? Healthy exercise, walking, running, jumping. She really... oh, my rheumatism. I just got to step over a few heads. Oh, shimmer, what a crowded beach. You're right, you can't even breathe. Oh, what do you know, down there by the pier, a hot dog fainted. It was squeezed too tight in the hole. Well, there's also, we'll be all together as soon as Luigi can dart a lacquero. Olsen, Olsen, where is your wife? Well, I'll walking along the beach. We got separated. Where's your wife for a bit? She got lost in the crowd. Schultz, where is your wife? Well, we got separated too. It wasn't easy, was it, boy? Oh, look at her. Aren't you glad we lost our wife? Hello, everybody. Mr. Olsen, Mr. Harwitz, Mrs. Schultz. Don't just stand there with your mouths open. Say something. Present. Mrs. Schultz, that's the first time I ever heard you say present. Unverspiring. Ms. Baldwin, in that bathing suit you look, you should pardon the expression... Mr. Schultz. Mr. Schultz, in that bathing suit you look, you look wonderful. Class will never be the same. Look, everybody. Here comes Luigi. What in the world is he wearing? It looks like a tent from army circles. Hello, everybody. Look what a much friend the Pascuali is a dig to me. He's a gimme this bathing suit. Luigi, it does look a little big. Big? Luigi, you're gonna have to swim with the right hand so the left hand can hold up your pants. Luigi, look at those holes in the back. Huh? Or the holes in the back. What a Pascuali is a telling me not to swim up is to let in the light. Let in the light? You got enough room over the holes for Venetian blinds. Ladies and Friends, I'm a feeling terrible. If you don't mind, I think I'm gonna go home and tell the girls Shirley... You stay right here, Mr. Basko. I don't blame you for feeling terrible the way we're all talking. Now let's all help him. What are you gonna do? Let's form a circle around him. Good, good, good. Come on now. I have a sewing kit. And the first thing we'll do we'll cut off the bottom of the east trunk. It's a pleasure to get rid of that old shirt. That's good. Now give me a safety pin, Mr. Bascuali. I'll pin him back over here. I should be good at this. I had three babies, you know. Now we'll just pack it up over here. There, Mr. Basko. Now doesn't that look much better? Yes, it looks much better. Everybody's a big address. Everybody's a big address. Oh, thank you, you friends. That really helps me out. And not one minute too soon. Here comes Shirley. Yo-ho, Shirley! Shirley! Come on, everybody. Let's all go for a swim. And leave these two alone. Yeah, but the way it is... You think I'ma look all right to see Shirley and dig the trunk? I wouldn't worry about her. She seemed like a very nice girl coming down here. Luigi, just be yourself. If girls was only interested in baiting trunks, millions of dummies in store windows would be married tomorrow. Come on, everybody. Oh, look at that. So Shirley is wearing. Hello, Luigi. Hello. You're not very talkative. Uh, well, aren't you going to say anything about my new bathing suit? What suit? The one I'm wearing. Don't you like it? What is it? What are you staring at? It's the polka dot suit. What about that? What is it, the polka? Shirley. Hi, cutie. I noticed you're coming out of the locker room. If you have any trouble with any of the characters around here, just tell her for me. I'm having no trouble at all. Excuse me, Mr. Hoyle. I'm the lifeguard. A lot of girls around here call me muscle. Hey, you. Can you do a double somersault? No, but I'm a kind of wiggle in my ears like a rabbit. Hey, watch this, cutie. Don't step on my sandwich. That's a simple one. What'd you think of it, baby? Why? Impressive. Ah, nothing at all. Two weeks with the barbells, and I'm ashamed to show you such an easy stunt. Hey, Buster, think you want to try that one? No. What can you do? Well, I kind of make it like a chicken. Hey, why don't you lay that egg? Not pretty fast, eh, Diffle? Now, watch this. I stand on my hands. I go into a one and a half flip-flop. I land on my toes. What? Don't step on my sandwich. That's pretty good, huh? Only two guys on the beach can do that one. Me and Mr. Shoulder Muscle of 1949. He keeps falling on his heels 20 times. I hope that you must spend a lot of time practicing. Ah, three or four hours a day. Now for my specialty. In this one, I take a running broad jump, land on my hands, flip over into a headstand, and don't step on my sandwich. Yeah, cry out. Come out with me, cutie, and I'll show you. No, wait a-wait a, Shirley. Don't go. I try that the same trick or two. Look, first I bend down and... come on, money. Hey, look at that bathing suit coming apart. Hey, what is that there? A safety pin? You better call a diaper service kid. You do for a change. No, wait a-wait a, Shirley. Please go away with the hem. Hey, Luigi, I've been looking all over the beach for you. Hey, what's the happen with my baby, the suit? No, Pascuali, what a suit you give him. And my friends, they try to fix it up, but he's in all those, no use. Pascuali is my first day on the beach, and it's the worst day of my life. Ah, what are you friends in all about a style? Luigi, it saves you right for trying to step out of your class. You stay with your friend Pascuali, marry my daughter Rosie, and you'll never get embarrassed. Maybe you're right, Pascuali. Oh, sure, I'm right. Well, Luigi, I'm going to pepper you up now. It just so happened, I'm going to bring him my little baby with me. I'm going to call her over. Rosa! Rosa! Rosa! Come here, my little eclaire Michelle. Say hello to Luigi. Hello, Rosa. Don't stand there just looking at Luigi. Say something nice. Luigi! Isn't that enough to stand on a beach? I'm the life of my two little loverbirds who make a joke to each other. Now, Luigi, my plans are for you and a rose. Well, here I am, Luigi. Let's go in for a swim, huh? How do you come back? I thought you was the one who went away with the life of God. What? Go away with that corny character? I was just trying to get rid of him. Come on, Luigi. Let's go in the water. Just a minute, lady. This man is a half a married man. And if anybody's to try to steal him from my daughter, I've got to put him my foot down. Pull him out the first quality. Who's to throw this a potato salad into my face? I told you not to stop on my camera! And so, Mamma Mia, who what I thought was going to be worst of the day of my life turned out to be very nice. Oh, that surely is a wonderful girl. After that, I'm going to bring her home from the beach, who will stand in a hurrah hall away and I'm going to have the best time of my life. For two hours, I'm going to do nothing but a wiggle of my ears and make it like I'm a chicken. Then when I'm going to say goodnight to her, she'll lean over to me and say, thank you, you forgot this on the camera? On a feeling in my pocket, I'm going to go to my watch, in my pocket, a calendar, in my matches. So I'm going to say no. So she's a kissin' me and I'm going to go home. Then before I'm going to bed, I'm going to suddenly realize what a fool I am. After all of these years that Uncle Pietro has always thought to me, I'm going to forget the show, Shirley, how I can jump like a kangaroo. You're lovin' a son of Luigi Vasco, the Lillian McGrathman. CBS The Columbia Broadcasting System.