 The Jack Benny program, transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike. The cigarette that tastes better. Light up, Lucky. It's light of time. Be happy, go Lucky. It's light of time. For the taste that you like. Light up, Lucky Strike. Relax. It's light of time. This is Don Wilson, friends, and you know, the right time for a Lucky is any time you feel like enjoying a really great cigarette. The right place? Well, that's any place you happen to be at the time. It's true you can depend on a Lucky to give you better taste every time it's light of time. That's because of the truly fine tobacco that goes into every Lucky Strike cigarette. LS, MFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Tobacco that's light and mild and good tasting. And then that fine tobacco is toasted. Yes, before that naturally good tasting tobacco is made into Lucky Strike cigarettes, it's toasted to taste even better, cleaner, fresher, smoother. So when you buy your next pack or carton of cigarettes, remember, Lucky's taste better. And be happy, go Lucky. For the taste that you like. Light up a Lucky Strike right now. Light up a Lucky. It's light of time. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Rochester, Dennis Day, Bob Crosby, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight Jack Benny does another television show. But meanwhile, let's go back to yesterday morning at Jack's house in Beverly Hills. Rochester is just entering the kitchen to prepare Jack's breakfast. Oh gee, I'm still sleepy. I better get Mr. Benny's breakfast started. The first thing to do is light the gas. Well, now that the room has lit up, I better turn on the stove. I've got his arms used in the refrigerator and the coffee is on. What else should I make the boss? Oh yes, last night he told me that for breakfast he wanted dollar-sized pancakes. I don't mind making the pancakes, but it's so much trouble if wouldn't he pluribus unumon them. Well, the griddle's hot, so I'll pour on the batter. Now, uh-oh, I forgot to take the cover off Polly's cage. Good morning, Polly. Do you feel better today? Stomach is still upset. Pancakes are just about ready. Hold still, Polly. Lift your head up. Look proud. Remember, you're posing for them. Good morning, Rochester. How much milk this morning? 12 quarts. And how much cream? Four pints. Let's see, that's 12 quarts of milk and four pints of cream. Uh-huh. Well, give them to me. That's a great cow Mr. Benny has. It sure is. Wait a minute, I'll get the stuff out of the refrigerator for you. You know, Rochester, it's against the city ordinance to keep a cow in Beverly Hills. Uh-huh. Well, how does Mr. Benny get away with it? He painted stripes on it and told everybody it was a pet zebra. Well, here you are. Let's see, I better carry Mr. Benny's breakfast up to him. Have I got everything on the tray? I wonder if I should bring him the morning paper or not. I better take a look at it first. Yeah, if I can take it to him, the stock market is up again. I'll never forget that day, the market crash in 1929. Mr. Benny cut his throat. But luckily, the iodine swallowed cured him. Good morning, Rochester. Yep, I got up a little early this morning. Well, here's your breakfast. Hey, this looks real good, Rochester. Oh, look at those pancakes. What's wrong? No date on them. Be a little more careful. I don't want to wind up an Alcatraz before you in pancakes. Oh, stop, I just want my food to look appetizing, that's all. This coffee is delicious. It's that new instant coffee. Instant coffee? Yeah, Mr. Coleman said it on his windowsill to cool and it was gone in an instant. Rochester, you shouldn't have done that. Shut up, you stupid zebra. What does she want to do, get kicked out of Beverly Hills? You know, Rochester, sometimes I think that... Want me to answer the door, Mr. Benny? No, you take the dishes back to the kitchen. I'll go to the door. Don't worry, then I can't sleep. I count my money instead of you. Then I fall asleep counting my money. Good afternoon, Mr. Benny. Why, Professor LeBlanc, I didn't expect you. I didn't know I was supposed to take a violin lesson today. You are not. I came over to talk to you. Certainly, Professor. What is it? Mr. Benny, I have a chance to play first violin for the Los Angeles Philharmonic Orchestra. Oh, that's wonderful, Professor. Is there anything I can do to help? Yes. Don't tell anyone I ever gave you violin lessons. Well, in other words, you want me to give you character references. Just tell them you don't know me at all. But Professor LeBlanc, a word for me might be very helpful. After all, I am a big star. Mr. Benny, in comedy circles, you are considered one of the biggest laugh getters in the country. Unfortunately, you are considered the same in music circles. Well, at least I can wish you luck. Thank you, Mr. Benny. When will you give me my next lesson? I am giving you no more violin lessons. We are through, finished. Well, Professor LeBlanc, I guess this is goodbye. Oui, Mr. Benny, au revoir. Oh, just a second, Professor. Our association has been such a long one, and now it seems to be terminating. So I'd like to give you this extra money as a little bonus. No, thank you, Monsieur. I'd like to remember you just the way you are. Well, you've taught me into it. Goodbye, Professor. Goodbye, Mr. Benny. Gee, I haven't practiced my violin in months. Well, I've got nothing to do today. Maybe I ought to start right now. O'Rochester. Yes, sir? I'm going to do a little practicing. Get me my violin. Your violin? But boss is broken. Broken? Yes, didn't I tell you? Last time you went out on personal appearances, you sent your violin back in your trunk. And when I unpacked it, I found it was smashed. My violin smashed? Yes, sir. It's broken to bits. You'll never be able to play it again. Well, the Express Company will have to pay for it. Oh, they'll pay. Never mind. And not only will the Express Company pay for it, but so will the Insurance Company. What do you mean? Well, don't you remember when I told my agent I was going to play on my personal appearance tour? He suggested I take out accident insurance on my violin. No, no, boss. That was on you. On me? Yeah, don't you remember the blue cross turned you over to the red cross? And the red cross declared you a potential disaster. Well, look, it sent it out to be fixed right away. I want to get... Oh, hello, Don. Oh, Jack. Hello, fellas. Oh, for heaven's sake. Jack, the sportsman is going to be busy the rest of the week, so can you listen to the commercial now? Oh, sure, Don. Sure. Come on in the den. Would you like a cup of Coleman? I mean coffee? How about you, fellas? Oh, they have much time to do. Oh, come on in the den. Would you like a cup of Coleman? I mean coffee? How about you, fellas? Oh, they have much time to do. Oh, come on in the den. Would you like a cup of Coleman? How about you, fellas? Oh, they have much time, Jack, so we'll have to get right into the commercial, and I'm in a hurry, too. Well, how come? I've got to go to the doctor and have some x-rays taken. X-rays? What's the matter? Well, you see, coming over here just now when I crossed Sunset Boulevard, the traffic was very heavy, and I think I swallowed an MG. All right, Don. All right. I'll go along with your little joke. You can go to the doctor and have your x-rays. I'm sure if you swallowed an MG, it must be causing you quite a bit of pain. Oh, that's not what's worrying me, Jack. What? I want to find out if there was anyone in it. Well, Don, that's as far as I can go with your little fat whimsy. So let's hear the song instead. Okay, fellas, hit it. Here's a clock that works all right. It works all right, but not exactly quite. Instead of going tick, tock, tick, the crazy clock goes tock, tick, tock. The experts come to here and see. Now, none of them can solve the mystery. We call Professor Einstein, too. He said there's nothing I can do, the man who made it rain and rain, because nobody could say why this silly clock behaves the hickory dickory way. It has a sink of pay to take, a steady rhythm really kind of slick. It has a beat that we all like, as pleasing as a lucky strike. It's light up time. Let's light up a lucky strike. It's light up time. Round and firm and fully packed. It's light up time. Better tasting, that's a fact. So let's light up a lucky, bump on a lucky strike. The smoke that you will. The taste that you will like. Come light up a good or lucky strike. If we just could find a rhyme. You know, we'd say, let's sell this MFT. That's a cigarette for you and me. Round and firm and... Right on the show. Ah, glad you liked it, Jack. Oh, say, before I run along, I was just thinking, if you're not doing anything, maybe we can play some golf this afternoon. Oh, I'm sorry, Don. I've got a date. You see, Dennis Day and I are going out on a picnic. Just the two of you? No, we're going with a couple of girls. Well, I hope you enjoy yourself. So long, Jack. So long. Say, look what time it is. Oh, Rochester. Yes, Mr. Benny? The Dennis Day call? Yes, sir, he's got a call and he won't be able to go on the picnic with you. How do you like that? And I made a date with these two girls. Gee, I don't know what to do. Now, who can that be? Hello, Jack. Hey, Bob. Bob Ho. Well, good to see you, Bob. Come on in. Okay, but tell me when 12 minutes are up, I'll only put a penny in your parking meter. Don't worry, I'll validate your ticket. Gee, it's nice you're dropping on me like this, Bob. Well, this isn't exactly a social visit. You mean you have some business to discuss with me? Yeah, Jack, I came over here about several big business deals. What are they? Well, I'd like you for a guest star in my television show, also my radio show. I want you to play a part in my next picture and I need three quarts of zebra milk. I appreciate your thinking of me, so you want me to do a picture with you, eh? Yeah, Jack, it's going to be a very exciting one. You and I play the part of two oil prospectors down in Texas. Say, that sounds good. Tell me something, Bob. Are the people down there really as rich as we keep hearing about them? Oh, they sure are. In fact, Texas is the only place in the world where they send care packages to Beverly Hills. Care packages to Beverly Hills. Oh, it's true. Down there, Howard Hughes has declared a vagrant. Bob, I meant to tell you, I read your book. Your new book, Have Tucks Will Travel. I read it. Say, that's... $350 for the cloth cover and $1 for the paper cover. That's your regular bookstore. How'd you like what I wrote about you, Jack? Well, it was very nice, Bob, but I felt that you could have devoted more space to me in your book considering the fact that I'm responsible for your success in pictures. How are you responsible for my success in pictures? Well, if I hadn't been so lousy, you wouldn't have gotten anywhere. I feel better. No, but I would have told you. You shouldn't talk that way about yourself, Jack. I think you're great in pictures. In fact, I think you're great in everything you do. Really, Bob? Yes, and that's not just my opinion. It's also the opinion of your writers who wrote this script. Hey, now, Jack, getting back to the picture, do you want to be in it with me? I guess so. What is it going to be called? The Road to Dallas. Hey, wait a minute. You make all of your old pictures with Bing Crosby. How come he's not going to be in this one? Well, as I told you, it's going to be made in Texas, and Bing is a little sensitive around about Texas since they turned him down. Turn him down for what? He wanted to buy it. Enough. I know. I know that Bing is loaded. I mean, he's got a lot of dough. But how could any one man buy the state of Texas? Gary's working now. Oh, yes, I forgot. Okay, Bob, it's a deal. Good. Well, I guess I'll be running along. So long, Bob. It was nice. Hey, wait a minute. Hmm? Bob, you can do me a big favor if you're not doing anything this afternoon. Not doing anything. I have a radio rehearsal. I have a script conference for my TV show. I have to go to a bookstore and autograph copies of Half-Tux Will Travel. I have to be interviewed for a fan magazine. I have costumes fittings for my picture. Oh, it's a shame you're so busy, Bob. You see, I have a date with two girls. Where do we pick them up? At their apartment. Now, we're late now, so I'll call the girls and tell them that you're coming instead of Dennis Day. Right on the phone, Mabel, was Mr. Benny Gertrude. He says Dennis Day can't come with us on the picnic. That's too bad. So he's bringing Bob Hope instead. That's even worse. What are you talking about? Well, I know a girl who's been out with Bob a couple of times, and she complained about that nose of his. And some knows he's got. Very economical. With Bob, a girl can get kissed and have her ears pierced at the same time. Bob and Jack. I kissed him once and it was awful. What's wrong with kissing Benny? Well, with his eyes and those thick glasses, you feel like you're studying a blue bottle fly under a microscope. What do you write about this day? How do I look? Okay. Are the seams in my stocking straight? This one is. And this one is. But this one isn't. We're arguing. We're supposed to wait in front of the house. Okay, I'm ready. We got a real nice day for the picnic. Oh, I gotta go back in. Why? We got the opener for the canned beer. Don't bother with Hope's nose. We won't need one. I'm the block. Wave to them. I think they see us. She was real nice of you to come on this date with me, Bob. Well, don't worry, Jack. The pleasure's all mine. Oh, look. Look, there are the girls we have the date with. Those? Those? Those? Wait a minute. Don't look so disappointed, Bob. I'll admit they're not exactly chickens. Oh, I don't know. The tall one has feathers growing out of her neck. Now look, Bob. Jack, are you sure we're taking those two on a picnic? Yes, why? They look more like something you'd find at a picnic. Bob, please act nice. Come on, I'll introduce you. Hello, Mabel. Hello, Gertrude. Hello, Jack. I'd like you to meet a friend of mine. This is Bob Ho. Hello, Bob. Hello, girls. Look, it's getting late. Now let's get started for the picnic. Hey, let's rest. I'm getting tired. Okay. Here's a couple of nice places where we can eat our food. Here under this tree or by that little stream. Well, let's eat here under the tree, fellas. It's safer. Why do you mean it's safer, Mabel? Well, in case something starts chasing us, we can climb the tree. What's going to chase us? Don't look at me. Come on. Let's just have some fun. Let's go waiting in the stream. Okay, Jack. Come on, Bob. Come on, Gertrude. Boy, what slow folks you are. I'm the first one to get my shoes and socks off. Hey, Mabel, look. Look what funny feed he has. Only five toes. Look, if you want to catch him, you better You just tell her, pull them off. Gee, that's a big frog. It used to be a cow. This is silly. I'm getting out of it. Oh, I'm standing. The water's only three inches deep. Fire, I'm getting a chill. Okay, but I haven't got any matches. I haven't gotten any. I haven't gotten any either. How do we start the fire? Why don't you try rubbing your legs together? The feed he and everybody else has. Can you imagine being knife like that doing a benefit? I should have never come over to this network without taking shots. Look, that's all I have going on. I have my cigarette lighter here. I'll start the fire. Ah, that's better. Come on, let's see. We can start with sandwiches while the wieners are roasting. Oh, gee, this beer is good and cold. You see, Mabel, I told you we don't need a can opener. I don't miss Crosby at all tonight. One of those sandwiches, please. Here you are, Jack. Thanks. Now, let's all enjoy ourselves. Yeah, we certainly have a beautiful sunny day for our technique. That's right. Hey, you know, Jack, it's funny. What is? Well, here we are, two comedians, and between us we must have told millions of jokes about how it rains in California when it really doesn't. Yeah, but our listeners know that it's all in fun. If you're anyone who's ever been here, knows it never rains in California. If it did rain, what would be funny about telling all the jokes? That's the basic humor, the whole thing. I'll have another chicken sandwich, Mabel. So will I. You know, Jack, we should thank our lucky stars that we live in California. Yeah, well, our country. Well, it's about time we started back. Should we go get in the car? No, let's wait here till it floats by. We're downhill. Okay, here's the problem. Ladies and gentlemen, Jack will be back in just a moment to tell you about his television program. It goes on at 7 p.m. But first, let's hear that catchy, lucky strike light-up time tune again. Light up a lucky. It's light up time. Be happy, go lucky. It's light up time for the taste that you like. Light up a lucky strike. Relax. It's light up time. Yes, sir, when it's light up time for you, light up a lucky. You couldn't make a better choice. Here's why. Lucky strike is the cigarette of fine, light, naturally good tasting tobacco. Lucky strike means fine tobacco. And lucky strike is the cigarette that's toasted. Yes, it's toasted to bring lucky's naturally good tasting tobacco to its peak of flavor so that it tastes even better, cleaner, fresher, smoother. Fine tobacco, and it's toasted, add up to real deep down smoking enjoyment for you. So be happy, go lucky. Buy a carton and try them out. When you light up, I'll bet you find a lucky is the best tasting cigarette you ever smoked. For the taste that you like, light up a lucky strike. Right now. Light up a lucky. It's light up time. Ladies and gentlemen, I was going to tell you about my television show, but we're a little late so tune in and watch it. Good night, Bob. Good night, folks. Tonight's show tonight was written by Hansberg, John Takkeberry, Hal Goldman, Hal Gordon, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks. Filter smokers, true tobacco taste, real filtration, famous Tarleton quality. They're all yours when you smoke filter tip Tarleton. Filter tip Tarleton gives you all the full rich taste of Tarleton's quality tobacco and real filtration, too. Because filter tip Tarleton incorporates activated charcoal, renowned for its unusual powers of selective filtration. Look for the red, white, and blue stripes on the package. They identify filter tip Tarleton, the best in filtered smoking. The Jack Benny program is brought to you by the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes.