 Assalamu alaikum and welcome to Making a House a Home with myself Raghad Barkar and our expert life coach and NLP practitioner Fahima Mohammed who today you'll be talking about being judgmental. Assalamu alaikum Fahima. Alaykum Salam. Can you tell us a bit more about being judgmental and it's such an interesting topic. I'm really glad you chose that today because we all have that within us don't we? A bit of judgment. Yes we do. There is definitely a psychological problematic disposition called being judgmental and generally we all judge you, me, everyone and the case is usually that we judge because it makes us feel better about ourselves because it's normally a negative judgment that we bring on others and we usually do that to make ourselves feel right and feel good by putting someone else down or making ourselves feel higher and normally the judgments is behind someone's back and usually it can cause a lot of issues and problems if those judgments are spread or spoken about you know to other people than the person that it should be spoken to. Being judgmental is something that we all unfortunately cannot really avoid but there are ways in which we can control it and there are ways in which we can actually be more aware of how to behave when those sort of feelings and thoughts come across. So what you're saying is we all have a bit of judgments within us. It's just how we portray that and how what we do with that is what matters. Yes and the thing is you know the thing is we actually live in a society and we live in a world where we all have a blueprint of how we expect things should be and you know in that way we judge someone else because we're always thinking that maybe we're better or we're doing okay and to talk about somebody else in a negative light and bringing that judgment across makes us feel better about ourselves. So we're kind of like you know we kind of avoid like looking at ourselves or we just sort of make these comments because we sort of see life in a particular way and we have a certain way and a particular way of thinking so it's so easy for us to judge someone else just on our own views and our own beliefs and values without having understanding without taking time without getting to know somebody else and even if we see someone do something which goes beyond our beliefs or our ways it can just only be for that moment but yet when we make judgments these judgments can be so strong that it can actually label somebody and it can last a very long time and mostly judgments are not just made you know just with your own feelings being kept inside usually judgments are made and then unfortunately they're spoken about to other people so then there is actually you know some sort of like circle of how these judgments are going to be portrayed about somebody and that somebody is going to be you know looked upon in a particular way because of that one particular judgment that has been made for that one particular moment for that one particular incident and then you know it's it's basically blown out of proportion and it's taken upon where that person is that for the rest of their lives it's really funny as a pilot because when someone gives you an idea of a judgment they have about that person even if you don't want to believe it you just end up kind of taking that judgment and then actually believing it in that person and it can affect the way you look at that person as well and that's when judgments shouldn't actually be spoken out within circles of people that's because it can affect others it can affect others and even judgments that you think that you're making they're not necessarily right I mean unless you're in a court of law with evidence and things like that when you're making judgments it should really be you know it should really be with really strong strong evidence and it should be with backing so that but even if it's like with that it should be approached very carefully because it can we influence each other all the time when we say certain things and like you said you know that can make a difference for that person's future as to how they're going to be treated how they're going to be looked upon and you're labeling somebody you know just for a particular incident for that moment for example yeah so I mean there are definitely ways basically to overlook being judgmental and try to have a different mindset when you have a judgmental thought and it is it is definitely challenging and it's definitely another new habit to create because a lot of people they don't realize that you know they're making judgments all the time every day with a lot of people outside themselves so one of the ways is always looking at yourself first and pausing and thinking that how would you be in that scenario and trying to understand the other person trying to be empathetic trying to sort of say well let's just give it a bit more time because over time the judgments do change the scenarios and situations do change so whatever you're thinking about for that moment don't just jump on it don't just speak about it and don't be open to sort of like saying well that's it you know I've seen something and this is what it means and this is the story that it actually represents and this is how this person is so those sort of things is really important and try to be understanding about whatever judgments you are passing on somebody and in all fairness we shouldn't really be judging anyway we can there is a difference with having some sort of slight opinion and having your own judgments but at the same time I think in life we really just need to concentrate on ourselves more because we cannot be perfect so until we become perfect there's no reason why we should be judging somebody else and even when we did do need to judge someone as mom Ali said give a person was it 90 excuses or 70 excuses yes before you actually make that judgment or make that accusation yeah so you know we should make it a habit that when we when we look at someone and deep inside we make that judgment yes we should try and overcome that with giving that person excuses as why he or she has done that or acts the way they do or whatever it is that you're judging them upon give them that give them the benefit of the doubt and use those 90 excuses that Imam Ali has absolutely um the thing is unfortunately judgments are also very negative most of the time we wouldn't mind being judged if it's in a positive way because it gives encouragement and it gives motivation but majority of the time I'm not saying all of the time majority of the time we're judging to put someone down we're judging negatively to make ourselves feel better we're judging because we're assuming a lot as well we're assuming things that we have no real insight of we have no real solid information so um it's really not right for us to carry on this way and to behave in this manner and the impact and the effect it could be really detrimental to the other person who's being judged and um I think that it also I think when we're judging others we don't realize it actually says more about us than the other person so the way in which we look at other people is always a reflection on yourself so in order to um have good and see good you know come to you you yourself have to be good so even if you see something wrong like you said to make the excuses it's very difficult for individuals to do that because they just really want to pounce and it's like oh you know they you know she done something or he did this and you know that makes them that and whatever it may be but on the other hand um it is definitely in our households today especially between families when they are living together and they're in actually you know each other's lives but they have differences of opinions they have different ways of you know seeing things that you know judgment between family members can really be quite destructive and obviously in the show we're talking about the challenging you know the challenging um sort of scenarios and issues that we are faced with and being judgmental is something that can really pull people apart then bring them together because you know we feel we have that right over somebody because they're part of our family or you know we know the better but actually we don't we really don't know what people go through inside unless they open up to us and there's a deeper meaning that is being understood so they should they should really be um a real careful you know a sort of mindset as to how we speak about other people how we view other people how we see other people and if we see something it can mean several things but we normally conform to the stereotypes of how people should act and behave and be so that when something is out of place then a judgment is you know completely set upon that person and they cannot come back from that which is really sad so if you see someone who's not you know not in the best of moods one day or someone who's not behaving the way you'd like them to behave always give them the benefit of the doubt that maybe they're just going through something or maybe you know they're upset about something else so don't don't make that judgment straight away well let's look at some examples and scenarios where people might be judgmental like we all have um freedom of choice and a lot of our choices do not match other people especially when you're living in the same household and there's different choices and different decisions that need to be made so you know again when for example a partner's making one choice or a decision the other one can be quite judgmental of them say well you're not considering my feelings or you don't care about me so you know that's a judgment that you're laboring somebody but without getting into the understanding of why those choices and decisions are being made without being empathetic without being understanding without putting yourself in their shoes so things like that for example it's very easy to say oh let's just not be judgmental so these are the steps that I would say to take to pause and put yourself in someone else's shoes you know see it from their perspective understand why they've been that way and what is it that they're reacting and responding to in order for them to come up with those sort of decisions and choices so then that alone makes you think outside being judgmental instead of just being playing the victim or think that you're you know being someone who's been persecuted for whatever someone else has done and then you judge them for it so in a family scenario it can happen quite a lot where we judge because we think we know people but we don't we can be spending time with them every day we can see them every day but conversations are not had meanings are not understood of you know what a person's life and daily is going through so you know the judgments are passed that you're not spending enough time with me it's because you don't you know you don't value the family for example but then that's another judgment that is actually you know not fair so things like that and these scenarios that happen and that can cause a drift it could cause resentment and can cause lots of you know future problems if it's not addressed so we think that having these small judgments about each other doesn't have any impact but actually in the long term it can be very very destructive within a family unit and when we're constantly passing judgments about each other what we would you recommend would be the best way to overcome these judgments is it by sitting down and talking about your feelings or is it actually just training yourself from within to stop these judgments what would the ideal ideal scenario be it's really a combination firstly it is being awareness of yourself so bringing the awareness that I am being judgmental so you can only do that when you pause when you have a thought and to pause and that pause is very powerful in today's society we we think very fast and we respond and react very quickly and you know we understand that now you know that our thoughts do sort of have effect on our actions and our speech and our language so having the pause is really important and yes it is a practice it is a habit to sort of take and that's a very simple yet um it does take time for you to constantly think that I have to think and stop and think about everything but when you stop and think just for those few seconds it doesn't have to take that long then actually you compose yourself you know you have these breathing techniques where if you're like you know feeling really frustrated or you're feeling stressed or you're feeling anxious or you're feeling really angry or upset even whatever the the deep sort of feelings you have or when you see something that is totally against what your values and your beliefs are and it's someone that's close to you that's actually you know doing the opposite of what you think that they should be doing then yes you do need to pause because if that love and feeling exists and you want it to continue and if you want the relationships to continue you know throughout your lives and you know in your circle and in your family and in your unit or whether it's at work in college with within colleagues or whatever it may be you know the pause is really important so it's about having self-awareness and then secondly is also talking to yourself you know why am I feeling this way because is it something that you know I've been through in my past is it something that's close to me because a lot of the times as well psychologically we don't realize that we get irritated by other people because sometimes it could be it's a little bit of us that we don't realize that we judge someone else because we actually hate that because we have that trait or it could be something that we just don't like because we've been treated in that way so it's too it's a flip coin to that there's two sides to it okay and you were saying about if you see something wrong about someone within the family or something that you don't agree with would you recommend that we call them out on that but obviously privately or would you recommend that we just say you know what let them do their thing is their journey it depends the thing is it depends how close you are to that person and it depends how you as an individual behave like I prefer confrontation because that's my personality you might prefer letting people go on their own path and in their own time and when there's a moment if it comes then you would approach them and have a conversation and you feel comfortable enough to speak about things it depends on your experience it depends on how you get along with that person if you're open enough to be like that I mean these things are very personal to the individual and sometimes you can even go outside the box and say well I've never confronted somebody but I'm going to do it this time because it's really important to me yeah because I feel like a confrontation especially when it's just between you and that person around the whole family actually overcomes that the judgment that you have within yourself because that person can have a chance to explain themselves that can be the thing is you know like I said with everything there's a flip side you know you might say right now it's good to confront because that's the way you like to deal with things other people don't like to be confronted they like to be told uh indirectly you can maybe you know make a passing remark which you know which might affect them you know where you're just talking out loud to somebody giving a scenario and a story but you know that it actually can also relate to them so that's a very clever way of doing things because some people don't like the confrontation if even if you do and you know if and also the way in which you approach somebody the actual confrontation that you're going to have with somebody how is that going to be set how is the tone going to be set how is your physiology because people can come across very you know aggressive or very much like you know like they must know it all like people all of a sudden if they become religious for example it's a very famous scenario then they become the you know the religious police all of a sudden you know and they can like you know tell you what's right and wrong because they've got this new set of information about you know this new way of living and being and they're conforming now and if they conforming now then everyone else needs to conform oh it doesn't work that way everyone is on their own journey and you should know the other person and respect the other person for their own ways and have an understanding and have a belief that you know even if you are having a judgment that it's something that you need to first look upon yourself as to why are you being critical why are you criticizing why is it that it actually bothers you and is that any sort of effect and impact on your life and if that person's important to you if they have got a strong relationship with you can you confront them with certain things and is it possible to confront them in a certain way and what difference and what is the actual outcome because a lot of people speak without even realizing what's the outcome because it's a lot it's a long process it's a long process you know to stop yourself being judgmental because it's a very quick response and reaction that we have in our brains but we can definitely control it by the way in which we think and knowing that we again tomorrow can make it the same mistakes we can be the same person that we're judging so to have that insight to have that awareness is really important and I think in order for us to be better in our households we need to be less just you know judgmental more understanding and less critical and be more empathetic and hopefully inshallah we'll have better relationships between us not just in the home but especially in the home when we less judgmental inshallah thank you so much Fahima we have come to the end of the first part of the show I'm sure you know we'd love to listen to so much more about what you're saying because it's so interesting mashallah but after the the break we'll be taking some of your questions and see you soon. Assalamu alaikum and welcome back to making a house a home where we have some questions for our expert Fahima Mohammed Assalamu alaikum Fahima I have a question from Fatima and she wants to know how do you avoid judging we briefly discussed that but yeah you can be more specific to say that to be more open about your own thoughts because like I said normally we we judge because we have our own ways of thinking and believing so we expect everyone else to follow suit so when you're more open in your way of thinking and saying that well I see things and I do things in a particular way and that's my perspective and that's my life and that's how I live it then you know the openness can sort of make you understand that other people will not do it like you they will not be in your way they will not perform and you know I don't know carry on with certain scenarios or situations the way you would so being an open-minded person can bring you to being less judgmental and also I have to also mention actually that when you are more judgmental you can actually bring about more stress and anxiety and depression to yourself as recent studies studies have shown in psychology you know psychologists have actually mentioned because you're constantly worrying and thinking about somebody else or how it should be done in a particular way and it's not your way so you know it can actually enhance those stresses which is actually quite interesting actually because yeah I'm so busy worrying about what that person is doing wrong and it's trusting you out that you're just it's not worth it is it it's not worth it so I think you know avoid judging is really good when you basically think about yourself more had to be a best person yeah and you know if you're if you're you know being annoyed by somebody else you know by their actions for example then you know just you know if they're your friend normally you're judging someone because you know them you should really only be judging if you are judging someone that you feel that you know because you know position to sort of being that way so so then think about the other positive attributes about that person sort of avoid your negative judgment and that can actually sway your mind from you know being judgmental and say well even if they did this or they said that or you know there are particular ways that I can avoid that person's you know being labeled for example because you know we do have a friendship there are so many other positive strengths and attributes in that person so a judgment normally is also on the one particular thing that's been said and done by somebody and then it's taken way out of proportion and it becomes their whole personality and their whole character as well okay so you know we need to be aware of that that actually that that person is more than just that one scenario that's happened okay that's um that's great okay thank you for Hema um the next question is from uh Nasreen and she wants to ask when you feel that you are being judged it is very uncomfortable especially when it is from close family so how do you respond to that yeah that's a very good point it's not about judging but actually being on the receiving end of it and when you're being judged um it depends how you're being judged there's different ways people can be very obvious and you know really call you out or they can actually express their opinions they can they be very directive in the way in which they act around you and say things constantly to you or you know behave in a particular way that makes you feel uncomfortable but then that also depends on the kind of person that you are and how important it is that other people's opinions are of you and not to say that you shouldn't care about other people's opinions but especially when they're in your family or you know closely related in some way um or friendships or whatever it may be the thing is um you need to be strong enough to know that you do stand you know for your own beliefs and your own values and you cannot please and you know entertain everyone the way in which they want so at the end of the day even if they have those judgments about you you just got to continue being the self that you are and as long as you're not hurting and harming anybody um if you need to approach that person to have conversation one on one to see you know why is they acting in a particular way that makes you feel like that and to air it out and if that's possible and if you have that relationship and you can do it in a respectful way in a civil way then yes that could be something that you know that needs to be done but I think generally you know if you're aware that someone's judging you constantly and it's making you feel uncomfortable just be at ease with yourself we cannot conform to everybody else we cannot be people pleasers all the time we have to get on with our lives and you know it's very difficult for us to sort of like not you know make everyone happy and we all want to make everyone happy and always be the best for everybody but we can't so you just got to know yourself well enough that whatever you're doing is good and you know pray that inshallah that you know people see the good in you but if they don't then that's just their way of seeing things you know we cannot you know please everyone all the time and it is difficult it is very difficult to be in the receiving end of being judged and that's why people that are judging need to understand this because you know it can affect our lives daily you know you think it's something simple but you know our responses to other people when we're judging them you know it brings an amazing um awareness to the other person that can actually be really you know disruptive it could be really um I don't know it could bring sort of like demoralizing and demote demotivating it could bring lack of self-confidence there's so many things especially when that person's going through whatever they're going through yeah I think it's it's worse when it comes from someone uh particularly close to you yeah like your mother yeah or your mother-in-law those two can be the most judgmental absolutely so it can be quite uncomfortable um but like you said the best way to avoid it is just to carry on doing the best you can do and if they're judging you that's that's their issue not not your problem I guess yeah thank you so much and a question from Mohammed he's asking people make negative judgments and label you for life so how do you avoid this lifelong labeling the thing is um lifelong labeling is only like what people perceive I don't think that really genuinely exists people can talk all they want to talk but if you're carrying on in life and you're moving forward and you're doing things and you're living the life that you want and you're you know achieving your goals and setting your goals and you know you're performing then that's all you need to concentrate on even when you're on the top of your game people are going to judge you and they're going to always put you down and they're always going to be judgmental you can never get it right for most people and people that are judgmental they're always going to pick a fault no matter how perfect you think you are there's no such thing as perfection anyways so lifelong labeling I don't really think it exists it might exist in your head because you yourself might feel that that's how people are seeing you and viewing you and your importance that you bring upon other people's opinions on you is really important that you don't let that control your life so other people's judgments other people's opinions you know these things are something that yes it it does have an impact and but then that's in your control as well you need to be very strong you know to know that you know I'm going somewhere in my life and that should really could be something to be motivating for you to show people improve yourself wrong if there was an incident or a situation that has happened where you were judged there are so many scenarios where people are judged where you know they have a right to judge it sometimes and sometimes they don't but then that's your job to you know prove them wrong or you know make a mistake that you've made happen to correct yourself and show that you know that was then and this is now no one is defined by their past they only defined by their present and what their future aspirations are so and if people want to keep bringing up the past and they're just living in the past you know that's the other thing a lot of judgments are sometimes made because it's always about the past and they want to bring someone down when they're trying to do well and good for themselves right at this moment in time so we need to be mindful that you know what matters is right here and now and anything can change at any moment but if you know if you're just doing well and you're continuing to do well then that's all that matters and the right people will be in your lives with the right judgments with the right opinions and with the support that you need yeah I think it's very important to remember that you can't please everyone no you can't because at the end of the day you know Allah who is perfect God who is a perfect still gets judged by some people you know there's some people out there that say oh if they exist if God actually exists why is there hurricanes why is there diseases you know if Allah himself the perfect thing Allah himself the creator gets judged so what's going to happen to you obviously there are some people who are going to be out there judging you and it's very normal don't let that bring bring you down no use it as a motivation in fact anything that is criticized about you you know you can just even be like why you know are they being that way you know is it something that I said or did you can use it as a as a learning to say that you know maybe there was something that they responded to from my actions that made them judge me or something that I said so you can actually you know you can use it as a learning you don't have to use it as a as a sort of like you know as a sort of negative thing all the time so you know you as a person really have to build your strength with all of these negative things that surround you life is challenging and you know you're going to be judged whether you are your best moments in life or even if your worst moments in life you're always going to be judged as much as we don't need to be judged and we have the tools of not judging it's going to come around but if we train ourselves not to judge and we be the right people that we are that even if we're faced with these things we can actually overcome them very successfully and actually you learn through it and be better from it okay and uh barker asks what is the difference between making an opinion and making a judgment that's very interesting a lot of people might say it can be quite similar and it is to a certain extent but opinions are quite loose and they can be changed and usually when opinions been made you know it should really be like or it normally is to the person that they making their opinion about whereas judgments is quite it's quite with um sometimes it should be you know it should be but it really is um a fact and it's with information and people make judgments because they feel quite strongly about it and it normally is not changed and also they the judgments are not necessarily being aired to the person that should be aired to in not being spoken to to them directly the judgments are usually behind that person's back whereas the opinion is normally said to the person so there is a slight difference when it's talking about opinions and judgments towards people um but all in all it's it's very similar to a certain extent as well because it's it's giving um sort of a lot of the times negative negative sort of impact negative feelings and judgments are normally quite solid information and something that people don't normally sway from whereas opinions can be swayed and it can be uh you know it could be changed even while having the conversation um because it's quite loose so for example um a judgment is when you say this person just doesn't like me yeah she doesn't like me yeah whereas an opinion is like I don't think she likes me much would you yeah it's also the way in which you say it yeah of course you know the way in which you use language and how strong you feel about it opinions are not necessarily that strong and like I said they can be changed because it's an opinion it's something that you know you feel you know that you know it might be it might be that way so it can be changed whereas judgments is that you think that certain things should be done in a certain way and it's not being done in that way so you pass a judgment on that person because they're not conforming to either a stereotype or you know a certain value so you know that that's how it can be framed um but either way I think you know opinions and judgments need to be very carefully analyzed as we have them you know as humans it's our you know it's in our natural sort of instinct it's it's the way of which we survive and how we also build ourselves up because we feel that you know we can be better because we have a lower opinion about somebody so what does that say about us and I know and do we need that sort of like way of living in order to make ourselves feel good so we need to question that you know there are much better ways of you know uplifting yourself than just being judgmental and being negative about somebody else and if that's all you use to uplift yourself then there's definitely a problem and it needs you know it needs a real reassessment of how you live your life and how you see things and how you perceive things so in short like you know being judgmental is something that we know it's quite a normal reaction for humans but if we're aware of it and we assess how we judge people and how we can change that judgment into something maybe positive or be more empathetic and understanding and also knowing that there are so many views that each person you know take upon themselves and you know even in one family being brought up by the same parents we all have our own set weight and we all are on a different path and our homes can only be much more you know lovable and much more comfortable when we have less judgments on each other inshallah we can only hope that Allah can purify our hearts and we can you know look at others in the best of ways and like you said that being being a reflection on ourselves as well and i'd really like to thank you for coming today and for giving us again a very very interesting topic and inshallah all our viewers have benefited a lot from listening and viewing today and that's the end of our show today yes inshallah we'll be back next week with more of fahima and myself thank you if you've been affected by the following topics raised in this episode please contact your local gp or fahima Muhammad on coachfm1athotmail.com