 This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Megan Olson. Waxaw, North Carolina, July 2007. Stepping Heaven Word by E. Prentice. Chapter 11. March 10. Things are even worse than I expected. Ernest evidently looked at me with his father's eyes and this father has got the jaundice or something, and certainly is cooler towards me than he was before he went home. Martha still declines eating more than enough to keep body and soul together, and sits at the table with the air of a martyr. Her father lives on crackers and stewed prunes, and when he has eaten them fixes his melancholy eyes on me, watching every mouthful with an air of plaintive regret that I will consume so much unwholesome food. Then Ernest positively spends less time with me than ever, and sits in his office reading and writing nearly every evening. Yesterday I came home from an exhilarating walk and a charming call at auntie's, and at the dinner table gave a lively account of some of the children's exploits. Nobody laughed, and nobody made any response, and after dinner Ernest took me aside and said, kindly enough, but still said it. My little wife must be careful how she runs on in my father's presence. He has a great dread of everything that might be thought levity. Then all the vials of my wrath exploded and went off. Yes, I see how it is, I cried passionately. You and your father and your sister have got a box about a foot square that you want to squeeze me into. I have seen it ever since they came, and I can tell you it will take more than three of you to do it. There was no harm in what I said, none, whatever. If you only married me for the sake of screwing me down and freezing me up, why didn't you tell me so before it was too late? Ernest stood looking at me like one staring at a problem he had got to solve, and didn't know where to begin. I'm very sorry, he said. I thought you would be glad to have me give you this little hint. Of course I want you to appear your very best before my father and sister. My very best is my real self, I cried. To talk like a woman of forty is unnatural to a girl of my age. If your father doesn't like me, I wish he would go away and not come here putting notions into your head and making you as cold and hard as a stone. Mother liked to have me run on, as you call it, and I wish I had stayed with her all my life. Do you mean, he asked very gravely, that you really wish that? No, I said, I don't mean it, for his husky, troubled voice brought me to my senses. All I mean is that I love you so dearly and you keep my heart feeling so hungry and restless, and then you went and brought your father and sister here and never asked me if I should like it. And you crowded mother out and she lives all alone and isn't right. I always said that whoever married me had got to marry mother and I never dreamed you would disappoint me so. Will you stop crying and listen to me, he said, but I could not stop. The floods of the great deep were broken up at last and I had to cry. If I could have told my troubles to someone I could thus have found vent for them, but there was no one to whom I had a right to speak of my husband. Ernest walked up and down in silence. Oh, if I could have cried on his breast and felt that he loved and pitied me. At last, as I grew quieter, he came and sat by me. This has come upon me like a thunder clap, he said. I did not know I kept your heart hungry. I did not know you wished your mother to live with us. And I took it for granted that my wife with her high-toned, heroic character would sustain me in every duty and welcome my father and sister to our home. Do not know what I can do now. Shall I send them away? No, no, I cried. Only be good to me, Ernest. Only love me. Only look at me with your own eyes and not with other peoples. You knew I had faults when you married me. I never tried to conceal them. And did you fancy I had none myself? He asked. No, I replied. I saw no faults in you. Everybody said you were such a noble, good man, and you spoke so beautifully one night at an evening meeting. Speaking beautifully is little to the purpose lest one lives beautifully, he said, sadly. And now is it possible that you and I, a Christian man and a Christian woman, are going on and on with such scenes as this? Are you to wear your very life out because I have not your frantic way of loving? And am I to be made weary of mine because I cannot satisfy you? But Ernest, I said, you used to satisfy me. Oh, how happy I was in those first days when we were always together and you seemed so fond of me. I was down on the floor by this time and looking up into his pale, anxious face. Dear child, I do love you, he said, and that more than you know. But you would not have me leave my work and spend my whole time telling you so? You know I am not so silly, I cried. It is not fair. It is not right to talk as if I were. I ask for nothing unreasonable. I only want those little daily assurances of your affection, which I should suppose would be spontaneous if you felt it all towards me as I do to you. The fact is, he returned, I am absorbed in my work. It brings many grave cares and anxieties. I spend most of my time amid scenes of suffering and at dying beds. This makes me seem abstracted and cold. But it does not make you less dear. On the contrary, the sense it gives me of the brevity and sorrowfulness of life makes you doubly precious, since it constantly reminds me that sick beds and dying beds must sooner or later come to our home as those of others. I clung to him as he uttered these terrible words in an agony of terror. Oh, Ernest, promise me, promise me that you will not die first. I pleaded. Foolish little thing, he said, and was as silly for a while as the silliest heart could ask. Then he became serious again. Katie, he said, if you can once make up your mind to the fact that I am an undemonstrative man, not at all fire and fury and ecstasy as you are, yet loving you with all my heart, however it may seem, I think you will spare yourself much needless pain and spare me also. But I want you to be demonstrative. I persisted. Then you must teach me. And about my father and sister, perhaps we may find some way of relieving you by and by. Meanwhile tried to bear with the trouble they make, for my sake. But I don't mind the trouble. Oh, Ernest, how you do misunderstand me. What I mind is they're coming between you and me, and making you love me less. By this time there was a call for Ernest. It is a wonder there had not been forty, and he went, I feel as heart-sore as ever. What has been gained by this tempest? Nothing at all. Poor Ernest. How can I worry him so when he is already full of care? March 20th. I have had such a truly beautiful letter today from dear mother. She gives up hope of coming to spend her last years with us with a sweet patience that makes me cry whenever I think of it. What is the secret of this instant and cheerful consent to whatever God wills? Oh, that I had it too. She begs me to be considerate and kind to Ernest's father and sister, and constantly to remind myself that my heavenly father has chosen to give me this care and trial on the very threshold of my married life. I am afraid I have quite lost sight of that in my indignation with Ernest for bringing him here. April 3rd. Martha is closeted with Ernest in his office day and night. They never give me the least hint of what is going on in these secret meetings. Then, this morning, Sarah, my good faithful cook bounced into my room to give warning. She said she could not live where there were two mistresses giving contrary directions. But really there is but one mistress, I urged. Then it came out that Martha went down every morning to look after the soap fat and to scrimp in the housekeeping and see that there was no food wasted. I remembered then that she had inquired whether I attended to those details, evidently ranking such duties with saying one's prayers and reading one's Bible. I flew to Ernest the moment he was at leisure and poured my grievances into his ear. Well, dear, he said, suppose you give up the housekeeping to Martha. She will be far happier and you will be freed from much annoying petty care. I bit my tongue lest it should say something and went back to Sarah. Suppose Miss Elliot takes charge of the housekeeping and I have nothing to do with it. Will you stay? Indeed, and I won't then. I can't bear her and I won't put up with her nasty, scrimping, pinching ways. Very well. Then you will have to go, I said with great dignity, though just ready to cry. Ernest, on being applied to for wages, undertook to argue the question himself. My sister will take the whole charge. He began, And may and welcome for all me, quotes Sarah, I don't like her and never shall. Your liking or disliking her is of no consequence whatever, said Ernest. You may dislike her as much as you please, but you must not leave us. Indeed, and I'm not going to stay and be put upon by her, persisted Sarah. So she has gone. We had to get dinner ourselves. That is to say, Martha did, for she said I got in her way and put her out with my awkwardness. I have been running hither and thither to find some angel who will consent to live in this ill-assorted household. Oh, how different everything is from what I had planned. I wanted a cheerful home where I could be the centre of every joy, a home like aunties without a cloud. But Ernest's father sits, the personification of a silent gloom like a nightmare on my spirits. Martha holds me in disfavour and contempt. Ernest is absorbed in his profession and I hardly see him. If he wants advice, he asks it of Martha, while I sit, humbled, degraded and ashamed, wondering why he ever married me at all. And then comes interludes of wild joy when he appears just as he did in the happy days of our bridal trip. And I forget every grievance and hang on his words and looks like one intoxicated with bliss. October 2. There has been another explosion. I held in as long as I could and then flew into ten thousand pieces. Ernest had gone into the habit of helping his father and sister at the table and apparently forgetting me. It seems a little thing, but it chafed and fretted my already irritated soul till at last I was almost beside myself. Yesterday they all three sat eating their breakfast and I, with empty plate, sat boiling over and looking on when Ernest brought things to a crisis by saying to Martha, if you can find time today I wish you would go out with me for half an hour or so. I want to consult you about— Oh! I said, rising, with my face all in a flame, do not trouble yourself to go out in order to escape me. I can leave the room and you can have your secrets to yourselves as you do your breakfast. I don't know which struck me most. Ernest's appalled, grieved look or the glance exchanged between Martha and her father. He did not hinder my leaving the room and I went upstairs as pitiable an object as could be seen. I heard him go to his office, then take his hat and set forth on his rounds. What wretched hours I passed, thus left alone. One moment I reproached myself, the next I was indignant at the long series of offences that had led to this disgraceful scene. At last Ernest came. He looked concerned and a little pale. Oh! Ernest! I cried running to him. I am so sorry I spoke to you as I did. But indeed I cannot stand the way things are going on. I am wearing all out. Everybody speaks of my growing thin, feel of my hands. They burn like fire. I knew you would be sorry, dear, he said. Yes, your hands are hot, poor child. There was a long dreadful silence, and yet I was speaking, and perhaps he was. I was begging and beseeching God not to let us drift apart, not to let us lose one jot or tittle of our love to each other, to enable me to understand my dear, dear husband, and make him understand me. Then Ernest began. What was it vexed you, dear? What was it you cannot understand? Tell me, I am your husband, I love you, I want to make you happy. Why are you having so many secrets that you keep from me? And you treat me as if I were only a child, consulting Martha about everything? And of late you seem to have forgotten that I am at the table, and never help me to anything. Secrets? he re-echoed. What possible secrets can I have? I don't know, I said, sinking wearily back on the sofa. Indeed, Ernest, I don't want to be selfish or exacting, but I am very unhappy. Yes, I see it, poor child. And if I have neglected you at the table, I do not wonder you are out of patience. I know how it has happened. While you were pouring out the coffee, I busied myself in caring for my father and Martha, and so forgot you. I do not give this as an excuse, but as a reason. I have really no excuse, and am ashamed of myself. Don't say that, darling, I cried. It is I who ought to be ashamed for making such an adieu about a trifle. It is not a trifle, he said. And now to the other points. I daresay I have been careless about consulting Martha. But she has always been a sort of oracle in our family, and we all look up to her. And she is so much older than you. Then as to the secrets. Martha comes to my office to help me look over my books. I have been careless about my accounts, and she has kindly undertaken to attend to them for me. Could not I have done that? No, why should your little head be troubled about money matters? But to go on. I see that it was thoughtless in me not to tell you what we were about. But I am greatly perplexed and harassed in many ways. Perhaps you would feel better to know all about it. I have only kept it from you to spare you all the anxiety I could. Oh, Ernest, I said, ought not a wife to share in all her husband's cares? No, he returned. But I will tell you all that is annoying me now. My father was in business in our native town, and went on prosperously for many years. Then the tide turned. He met with loss after loss till nothing remained but the old homestead. And on that there was a mortgage. We concealed the state of things for my mother. Her health was delicate, and we never let her know a trouble we could spare her. Now she has gone, and we have found it necessary to sell our old home and to divide and scatter the family. My father's mental distress when he found others suffering from his own losses threw him into the state in which you see him now. I have therefore assumed his debts, and with God's help hope in time to pay them to the uttermost farthing. It will be necessary for us to live economically until this is done. There are two pressing cases that I am trying to meet at once. This has given me a preoccupied air. I have no doubt, and has made you suspect and misunderstand me. But now you know the whole, my darling. I felt my injustice and childish folly very keenly, and told him so. But I think, dear Ernest, I added, if you will not be hurt at my saying so that you have led me to it by not letting me share it once in your cares. If you had at the outset just told me the whole story you would have enlisted my sympathies in your father's behalf and in your own. I should have seen the reasonableness of your breaking up the old home and bringing him here, and it would have taken the edge off my bitter, bitter disappointment about my mother. I feel very sorry about that, he said. It would be a real pleasure to have her here. But as things are now she could not be happy with us. There is no room, I put in. I am truly sorry. And now my dear little wife must have patience with her stupid, bluttering old husband. And we'll start together, once more, fair and square. Don't wait next time till you are so full that you boil over. The moment I annoy you by my inconsiderate ways, come right and tell me. I called myself all the horrid names I could think of. May I ask one more thing, now we are upon the subject? I asked at last, why couldn't your sister Helen have come here instead of Martha? He smiled a little. In the first place Helen would be perfectly crushed if she had the care of father in his present state. She is too young to have such responsibility. In the second place, my brother John, with whom she has gone to live, has a wife who would be quite crushed by my father and Martha. She is one of those little, tender, soft souls one could crush with one's fingers. Now you are not of that sort. You have force of character enough to enable you to live with them while maintaining your own dignity and remaining yourself in spite of circumstances. I thought you admired Martha above all things and wanted me to be exactly like her. I do admire her, but I do not want you to be like anybody but yourself. But you nearly killed me by suggesting that I could take heed how I talked in your father's presence. Yes dear, it was very stupid of me, but my father has a standard of excellence in his mind by which he tests every woman. This standard is my mother. She had none of your life and fun in her and perhaps would not have appreciated your droll way of putting things any better than he and Martha do. I could not help sighing a little when I thought what sort of people were watching my every word. There is nothing amiss to my mind, Ernest continued, in your gay talk, but my father has his own views as to what constitutes a religious character and cannot understand that real earnestness and real genuine mirthfulness are consistent with each other. He had to go now and we parted as if for a week's separation. This one talk had brought us so near to each other, I understand him now as I never have done and feel that he has given me as real a proof of his affection by unlocking the door of his heart and letting me see its cares as I give him in my wild pranks and caresses and foolish speeches. How truly noble it is in him to take up his father's burden in this way. I must contrive to help lighten it. End of Chapter 11 Leberbox.org Recording by Missy Guangzhou, China Stepping Heaven Word by E. Prentice Chapter 12 November 6th Auntie has put me in the way of doing that. I could not tell her the whole story, of course, but I made her understand that Ernest needed money for a generous purpose and that I wanted to help a minute. She said the children needed both music and drawing lessons and that she should be delighted if I would take them in hand. Auntie does not care a fig for accomplishments, but I think I am right in accepting her offer as the children ought to learn to sing and to play and draw. Of course, I cannot have them come here as Ernest's father could not bear the noise they would make. Besides, I want to take him by surprise and keep the whole thing a secret. November 14th I have seen by the way Martha draws down the corners of her mouth of late that I am unusually out of favor with her. This evening Ernest, coming home quite late, found me lulling back in my chair idling after a hard day's work with my little cousins, and Martha sewing nervously away at the rate of ten knots an hour, which is the first pun I ever made. Why will you sit up and sew at such a rate, Martha? He asked. She twitched at her thread, broke it, and began with a new one before she replied. I suppose you find it convenient to have a whole shirt to your back. I saw then that she was making his shirts. It made me both hot and cold at once. What must Ernest think of me? It is plain enough what he thinks of her, for he said quite warmly for him, this is really too kind. What right has she to prowl around among Ernest's things and pry into the state of his wardrobe? If I had not had my time so broken up with giving lessons, I should have found out that he needed new shirts and set to work on them. Though I must own I hate shirt making. I could not help showing that I felt aggrieved. Martha defended herself by saying that she knew young people would be young people and would get about shirts or no shirts. No, it is not her fault that she thinks I waste my time getting about, but I am just as angry with her as if she did. Why couldn't I have had Helen to be a present companion and friend to me instead of this old, well I won't say what, and really with so much to make me happy, what would become of me if I had no trials? November 15th. Today Martha has a house cleaning mania and has dragged me into it by representing the sin and misery of those deluded mortals who think servants know how to sweep and to scrub. In spite of my resolution not to get under her thumb, I have somehow let her rule and reign over me to such an extent that I can hardly sit up long enough to write this. Does the whole duty of woman consist in keeping her house distressingly clean and prim, in making and baking and preserving and pickling, in climbing to the top shells of closets lest happily a little dust should lodge there and getting down on her hands and knees to inspect the carpet? The truth is there is not one point of sympathy between Martha and myself, not one. One would think that our love to earnest would furnish it, but her love aims at the abasement of this character and mine at its elevation. She thinks I should bow down to and worship him, jump up and offer him my chair when he comes in, feed him with every unwholesome dainty he fancies and feel myself honored by his acceptance of these services. I think it is for him to rise and offer me a seat because I am a woman and his wife and that a silly subservience on my part is degrading to him and to myself. And I am afraid I make no new sentiments to her in a most unpalatable way. November 18th. Oh, I am so happy that I sing for joy. Dear Ernest has given me such a delightful surprise. He says he has persuaded James to come and spend his college days here and finally study medicine with him. Dear darling old James, he is to be here tomorrow. He is to have the little hall bedroom fitted up for him and he will be here several years. Next to having mother, this is the nicest thing that could happen. We love each other so dearly and get along so beautifully together. I wonder how he'll like Martha with her grim ways and Ernest's father with his melancholy ones. November 30th. James has come and the house already seems lighter and cheerier. He's not in the least annoyed by Martha or her father and though he is as jovial as the days long, they actually seem to like him. True to her theory on the subject, Martha invariably rises at his entrance and offers him her seat. He pretends not to see it and runs to get one for her. Then she takes comfort in seeing him consume her good things since his gobbling them down is a sort of tacit tribute to their merits. Mrs. Embry was here today. She says there's not much the matter with Ernest's father that he's only got the hypo. I don't know exactly what this is, but I believe it is thinking something is the matter with you when there isn't. At any rate, I put it to you, my dear old journal, whether it is pleasant to live with people who behave in this way. In the first place, all he talks about is his fancy disease. He gets book after book from the office and studies and ponders his case till he grows quite yellow. One day he says he's found out the seat of his disease to be the liver and changes his diet to meet that view of the case. Martha has to do him up in mustard and he takes kindly to blue pills. In a day or two he finds his liver is all right, but that his brain is all wrong. The mustard goes now to the back of his neck and he takes solemn leave of us all with the assurance that his last hour has come. Finding that he survives the night, however, he transfers the seat of his disease to the heart. Spends hours in counting his pulse, refuses to take exercise lest he should bring on palpitations and warns us all to prepare to follow him. Everybody who comes in has to hear the whole story. Everyone prescribes something and he tries each remedy in turn. He's all failing to reach his case. He has plunged into tenfold gloom. He complains that God has cast him off forever and that his sins are like the sands of the sea for number. I am such a goose that I listen to all these varying moods and symptoms with the solemn conviction that he is going to die immediately. I bathe his head and count his pulse and fan him and take down his dying depositions for earnest solace after he is gone. And I talk theology to him by the hour while Martha bakes and brews in the kitchen or makes mince pies after eating which one might give him the whole Bible at one dose without the smallest effect. Today I stood by his chair, holding his head and withbring such consoling passages as I thought might comfort him when James burst in, singing and tossing his cap in the air. Come here, young man, and hear my last testimony. I am about to die. The end draws near. Were the separate curl words that made him bring his song to an abrupt close? I shall take it very ill of you, sir, quote James, if you go and die before giving me that cane you promised me. Who could die decently under such circumstances? The poor old man revived immediately but looked a good deal injured. After James had gone out, he said, it is very painful to one who stands on the very verge of the eternal world to see the young so thoughtless. But James is not thoughtless. I said it is only his merry way. Daughter Catherine, he went on, you are very kind to the old man and you will have your reward. But I wish I could feel sure of your state before God. I greatly fear you deceive yourself and that the ground of your hope is delusive. I felt the blood rush to my face. At first I was staggered a good deal, but is a mortal man who cannot judge of his own state to decide mine? It is true he sees my thought, anybody can who looks. But he does not see my prayers or my tears of shame and sorrow. He does not know how many hasty words I repress, how earnestly I am aiming all the day long to do right in all the little details of life. He does not know that it costs my fastidious nature and appeal to God every time I kiss his poor old face and that what would be an act of worship in him is an act of self-denial in me. How should he? The Christian life is a hidden thing, known only by the eye that see it in secret. And I do believe this life is mine. Up to this time I have contrived to get along without calling earnest father by any name. I mean now to make myself turn over a new leaf. December 7th. James is my perpetual joy and pride. We read and sing together just as we used to do in our old school days. Martha sits by with her work, grimly approving. Or is he not a man? And as if my cup of felicity were not full enough, I am to have my dear old pastor come here to settle over this church. And I shall once more hear his beloved voice in the pulpit. Ernest has managed the whole thing. He says the state of Dr. C's health makes the change quite necessary and that he can avail himself to sacrifice the city of Fords in case his old difficulties recur. I rejoice for myself and for this church, but mother will miss him sadly. I am leading a very busy happy life, only I am perhaps working a little too hard. What with my scholars, the extra amount of housework Martha contrives to get out of me, the practicing I must keep up if I am to teach, and the many steps I have to take, I have not only no idle moments, but none too many for recreation. Ernest is so busy himself that he fortunately does not see what a race I am running. January 16th, 1838. The first anniversary of our wedding day. And like all days, it has had its lights and its shades. I thought I would celebrate it in such a way as to give pleasure to everybody and spend a good deal of time in getting up a little gift for each from Ernest and myself. And I took special pains to have a good dinner, particularly for father. Yes, I had made up my mind to call him by that sacred name for the first time today, cost what it may. But he shut himself up in his room directly after breakfast, and when dinner was ready, he refused to come down. This cast a gloom over us all. Then Martha was nearly distracted because a valuable dish had been broken in the kitchen and could not recover her equanimity at all. Worst of all, Ernest, who is not in the least sentimental, never said a word about our wedding day and didn't give me a thing. I've kept hoping all day that he would make me some little present, no matter how small, but now it is too late. He's gone out to be gone all night probably and thus ends the day in utter failure. I feel a good deal disappointed besides when I look back over my first year of married life I do not feel satisfied with myself at all. I can't help feeling that I have been selfish and unreasonable towards Ernest in a great many ways. And his contrary toward Martha is if I enjoyed a state of warfare between us. And I felt a good deal of secret contempt for his father with his moods and tenses, his pillboxes and his pastures, his feastings and his fastings. I do not understand how a Christian can make such slow progress as I do and how old faults can hang on so. If I had made any real progress, should I not be sensible of it? I have been reading over the early part of this journal and when I came to the conversation I had with Mrs. Cabot in which I made a list of my wants I was astonished that I could ever have had such contemptible ones. Let me think what I really and truly most want now. First of all then, if God should speak to me at this moment and offer to give me just one thing and that alone I should say without hesitation love to thee, oh my master. Next to that, if I could have one thing more, I would choose to be a thoroughly unselfish devoted wife. Down in my secret heart I know there lurks another wish which I am ashamed of. It is that in some way or another, some right way I could be delivered from Martha and her father. I shall never be any better while they are here to tempt me. February 1st, Ernest spoke today of one of his patients, a Mrs. Campbell who is a great sufferer but whom he describes as the happiest yet. He rarely speaks of his patients, indeed he rarely speaks of anything. I felt strangely attracted by what he said of her and asked so many questions that at last he proposed to take me to see her. I caught at the idea very eagerly and have just come home from the visit greatly moved and touched. She is confined to her bed and is quite helpless and at times her sufferings are terrible. She received me with a sweet smile however and led me on to talk more of myself than I ought to have done. I wish Ernest had not left me alone with her so that I should have had the restraint of his presence. February 14th, I'm so fascinated with Mrs. Campbell that I cannot help going to see her again and again. She seems to me like one whose conflict and dismay are all over and he looks on other human beings with an almost divine love and pity. To look at life as she does, to feel as she does, to have such a personal love to Christ as she has, I would willingly go through every trial and sorrow. When I told her so she smiled a little sadly. Much as you envy me, she said my faith is not yet so strong that I do not shudder at the thought of a young enthusiastic girl like you going through all I have done in order to learn a few simple lessons which God was willing to teach me sooner and without the use of a rod if I had been ready for them. But you are so happy now I said. Yes, I am happy as I have been replied and such happiness is worth all it costs. If my flesh shudders at the remembrance of what I have endured my faith sustains God through the whole. But tell me a little more about yourself my dear. I should so love to give you a helping hand if I might. You know I began. Dear Mrs. Campbell that there are some trials that cannot do us any good. They only call out all there is in us that is unlovely and severe. I don't know of any such trials she replied. Suppose you had to live with people who are perfectly uncongenial who misunderstood you and who are always getting into your way as stumbling blocks. If I were living with them and they made me unhappy I would ask God to relieve me of this trial if he thought it best. If he did not think it best I would then try to find out the reason. He might have two reasons. One would be the good they might do me the other the good I might do them. But in the case I was supposing neither party can be of the least used to the other. You forget perhaps the indirect good one may find by living with uncongenial tempting persons. First such people do good by the very self-denial and self-control their mere presence demands. Then they're making one's home less home-like and perfect than it would be in their absence may help to render our real home even more attractive. But suppose one cannot exercise self-control and is always flying out and flaring up by objected. I should say that a Christian who was always doing that she replied gravely was in pressing need of just the trial God sent when he shut him up to such a life of hourly temptation. We only know ourselves and what we really are when the force of circumstances bring us out. It is very mortifying and painful how weak one is. That is true. But our mortifications are some of God's best physicians and do much toward healing our pride and self-conceit. Do you really think that God deliberately appoints to some of his children a lot where their worst passions are excited with the desire to bring good out of this seeming evil? Why I have always supposed to be the best thing that could happen to me, for instance, would be to have a home exactly to my mind. A home where all were for bearing, loving and good tempered, a sort of little heaven below. If you have not such a home my dear are you sure it is not partly your own fault? Of course it is my own fault because I am very quick tempered. I want to live with good tempered people that is very benevolent in you she said archly. I colored but went on. Oh I know I am selfish and therefore I want to live with those so I want to live with persons to whom I can look for an example and who will constantly stimulate me to something higher. But if God chooses quite another lot for you you may be sure that he sees that you need something totally different from what you want. You just now said that you would gladly go through any trial in order to attain a personal love to Christ that should become the ruling principle of your life. Now as soon as God sees this desire in you is he not kind is he not wise in appointing such trials as he knows will lead to this end? I meditated long before I answered was God really asking me not merely to let Martha and her father live with me on sufferance but to rejoice that he had seen fit to let them harass and embitter my domestic life? I thank you for the suggestion I said at last. I want to say one thing more Mrs. Campbell resumed after another pause we look at our fellow men too much from the standpoint of our own prejudices they may be wrong they may have their faults and foibles they may call out all that is meanest and most hateful in us but they are not all wrong they have their virtues and when they excite our bad passions by their own they may be as ashamed and sorry as we are irritated and I think some of the best most contrite most useful of men and women whose prayers prevail with God and bring down blessings into the homes in which they dwell often possess unlovely traits that furnish them with their best discipline the very fact that they are ashamed of themselves drives them to God they feel safe in his presence and while they lie in the very dust of self confusion at his feet they are due to him and have power with him that is a comforting word and I thank you for it I said my heart was full and I longed to stay and hear her talk on but I had already exhausted her strength on the way home I felt as I suppose people do when they have caught a basket full of fish I'm always delighted to catch a new idea I thought I would get all the benefit out of Martha and her father and as I went down to tea after taking off my things felt like a holy martyr who had as good as won a crown I found however that the butter was horrible Martha had insisted that she alone was capable of selecting that article and had ordered a quantity from her own village which I could not eat myself and was ashamed to have on my table I pushed back my plate in disgust I hope Martha that you have not ordered much of this odious stuff I cried Martha replied that it was of the very first quality and appealed to her father and earnest who both agreed with her which I thought very unkind and unjust I rushed into a hot debate on the subject during which earnest maintained that ominous silence that indicates not being pleased and it irritated and led me on I would far rather he should say Katie you are behaving like a child and I wish you would stop talking Martha I said you will persist that the butter is good because you ordered it if you will only own that I won't say another word I can't say it she returned Mrs. Jones' butter is invariably good I never heard it found fault with before the trouble is you are so hard to please no I am not and you can convince me that if the butter milk really worked out the butter could be fit to eat this speech I felt to be a masterpiece it was time to let her know how learned I was on the subject of butter though I wasn't brought up to make it or see it made but here earnest put in a little oil I think you are both right he said Mrs. Jones makes good butter but just this once she failed I dare say it won't happen again and meanwhile this can be used for making seed cakes and we can get a new supply for his masterpiece a whole fricken of butter made up into seed cakes Martha turned to encounter him on that head and I slipped off to my room to look with a miserable sense of disappointment at my folly and weakness in making so much a do about nothing I find it hard to believe that it can do me good to have people live with me who like rancid butter and who disagree with me in everything else End of Chapter 12 Chapter 13 of Stepping Heaven Word by E. Prentice this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Missy Guangzhou, China Stepping Heaven Word by E. Prentice Chapter 13 March 1st Aunty sent for us all to dine with her today to celebrate Lucy's 15th birthday ever since Lucy behaved so heroically in regard to little Emma really saving her life Ernest says Aunty seems to feel that she cannot do enough for her the child has taken the most unaccountable fancy to me strangely enough and when we got there she came to meet me with something like cordiality Mama permits me to be the bearer of agreeable news she said because this is my birthday a friend of whom you are very fond has just arrived and is impatient to embrace you to embrace me I cried you foolish child and the next moment I found myself in my mother's arms the despised Lucy has been the means of giving me this pleasure it seems that Aunty had told her she should choose her own birthday treat and that after solemn meditation she had decided that to see dear mother again would be the most agreeable thing she could think of I have never told you dear journal why I did not go home last summer and never shall if you choose to fancy that I couldn't afford it you can well wasn't it nice to see mother and to read in her dear loving face that she was satisfied with her poor wayward Katie and fond of her as ever I only longed for Ernest's coming that she might see us together and see how he loved me he came I rushed out to meet him and dragged him in but it seemed as if he had grown stupid and awkward all through the dinner I watched for one of those loving glances which should proclaim to mother the good understanding between us but watched in vain it will come by and by I thought when we get by ourselves mother will see how fond of me he is but by and by it was just the same I was preoccupied and mother asked me if I were well my foolish I dare say and yet I did want to have her know that with all my faults he still loves me then besides this disappointment I have to reproach myself for misunderstanding poor Lucy as I have done because she was not all fire and fury like myself I need not have assumed that she had no heart it is just like me I hope I shall never be so severe in my judgment again April 30th mother has just gone to only a world of good she found out something to like in father at once and then something good in Martha she says father's sufferings are real not fancied that his error is not knowing where to locate his disease and is starving one week and overeating the next she charged me not to lay up future misery for myself by misjudging him now and to treat him as a daughter ought without the smallest regard to his appreciation of it then as to Martha she declares that I have no idea what she does to reduce our expenses to keep the house in order and to relieve us from care but mother I said did you notice what a horrid butter we have and it is all her doing but the butter won't last forever she replied don't make yourself miserable about such a trifle for my part it is a great relief to me to know that with your delicate health you have this tower of strength to lean on but my health is not delicate mother pale and thin oh well I said whereupon she felt to giving me all sorts of advice about getting up on step ladders and climbing on chairs and sewing too much and all that June 15th the weather or something makes me rather languid and stupid I begin to think that Martha is not an entire nuisance in the house I have just been to see Mrs. Campbell in answer to my routine of lamentations she took up a book and read what was called as nearly as I can remember four steps that lead to peace be desirous of doing the will of another rather than my own choose always to have less rather than more seek always the lowest place and to be inferior to everyone wish always and pray that the will of God may be wholly fulfilled in thee I was much struck with these directions but I said despondently if peace can only be found at the end of such hard roads I'm sure I shall always be miserable are you miserable now? she asked yes just now I am I do not mean that I have no happiness I mean that I am in a disheartened mood weary of going round and round in circles committing the same sins uttering the same confessions and making no advance my dear she said after a time have you a perfectly distinct settled view of what Christ is to the human soul I do not know I understand of course more or less perfectly that my salvation depends on him alone it is his gift but do you see with equal clearness that your sanctification must be as fully his gift as your salvation is no I said after a little thought I have had a feeling that he has done his part and now I must do mine my dear she said with much tenderness and feeling then the first thing you have to do is to learn Christ but how on your knees my child on your knees she was tired and I came away and I have indeed been on my knees July 1st I think that I do begin dimly it is true but really to understand that this terrible work which I was trying to do myself is Christ's work and must be done and will be done by him I take some pleasure in the thought and wonder why it has all this time been hidden from me especially after what Dr. C. said in his letter but I get hold of this idea in a misty unsatisfactory way if Christ is to do all what am I to do and have I not been told over and over again that the Christian life is one of conflict and that I am to fight like a good soldier August 5th Dr. Cabot has come just as I need him most I long for one of those good talks with him which always used to strengthen me so I feel a perfect weight of depression that makes me a burden to myself and to poor Ernest who after visiting sick people all day needs to come home to a cheerful wife but he comforts me with the assurance that this is merely physical despondency and that I shall get over it by and by how kind how even tender he is my heart is getting all at once from him only I am too stupid to enjoy him as I ought Father too talks far less about his own bad feelings and seems greatly concerned at mine as to Martha I have done trying to get sympathy or love from her she cannot help it I suppose but she is very hard and dry towards me and I feel such a longing to throw myself on her mercy and to have one little smile to assure me that she has forgiven me for being Ernest's wife and so different from what she would have chosen for him Dr. Elliot to Mrs. Mortimer October 4th 1838 my dear Katie's mother you will rejoice with us when I tell you that we are the happy parents of a very fine little boy my dearest wife sends an ocean of love to you and says she will write herself tomorrow that I shall not be very likely to allow as you will imagine she is doing extremely well and we have everything to be grateful for your affectionate son, J. E. Elliot Mrs. Crofton to Mrs. Mortimer I am sure my dear sister that the doctor has not written you more than five lines about the great event which has made such a stir in our domestic circle so I must try to supply the details you will want to hear I need not add that our darling Katie behaved nobly her self-forgetfulness and consideration for others were really beautiful throughout the whole scene the doctor may well be proud of her and I took care to tell him so in the presence of that dreadful sister of his I never met so angular, so uncompromising a person as she is in all my life she does not understand Katie and never can and I find it hard to realize that living with such a person can furnish a wholesome discipline which is even more desirable than the most delightful home and yet I not only know that is true in the abstract but I see that it is so in the fact Katie is acquiring both self-control and patience and her Christian character is developing in a way that amazes me I cannot but hope that God will in time deliver her from this trial indeed feel sure that when it has done its beneficent work he will do so Martha Elliot is a good woman but her goodness is without grace or beauty she takes excellent care of Katie keeps her looking as if she had just come out of a band box as the saying goes and always has her room in perfect order but one misses the loving word the reassuring smile the delicate, thoughtful little forbearance that ought to adorn every sick room and light it up with genuine sunshine there is one comfort about it however and that is that I can spoil dear Katie to my heart's content as to the baby he is a fine little fellow and his mother is so happy in him that she can afford to do without some other pleasures I shall write again in a few days meanwhile you may rest assured that I love your Katie almost as well as you do and she'll be with her most of the time till she is quite herself again James to his mother of course there never was such a baby before on the face of the earth Katie is so nearly wild with joy that you can't get her to eat or sleep or do any of the proper things that her charming sister in law thinks becoming under the circumstances you never saw anything so pretty in your life as she is now I hope the doctor is as much in love with her as I am he is the best fellow in the world and Katie is just the wife for him November fourth my darling baby is a month old today I never saw such a splendid child I love him so that I lie awake nights to watch him Martha says in her dry way that I had better show my love by sleeping and eating for him and Ernest says I shall as soon as I get stronger but I don't get strong and that discourages me November 26th I begin to feel rather more like myself and as if I could write with less labour I have had in these past few weeks such a revelation of suffering and such a revelation of joy as mortal mind can hardly conceive of the world that I live in now is a new world a world full of suffering that leads to complicity oh this precious precious baby how can I thank God enough for giving him to me I see now why he has put some thorns into my domestic life but for them I should be too happy to live it does not seem just the moment to complain and yet as I can speak to no one it is a relief a great relief to write about my trials during my whole sickness Martha has been so hard so cold unsympathising that sometimes it has seemed as if my cup of trial could not hold another drop she routed me out of bed when I was so languid that everything seemed to burden and when sitting up made me faint away I heard her say to herself that I had no constitution and had no business to get married the worst of all is that during that dreadful night before the baby came she kept asking Ernest to lie down and rest and was sure he would kill himself and all that well she had not one word of pity for me but oh why need I let this wrinkle in my heart why can I I turn my thoughts entirely to my darling baby my dear husband and all the other sources of joy that make my home a happy one in spite of this one discomfort I hope I am learning some useful lessons from my joys and from my trials and that both will serve to make me in Ernest and to keep me so December 4th we have had a great time about poor baby's name I expected to calm Raymond for my own dear father as a matter of course it seemed a small gratification for mother and her loneliness dear mother how little I have known all these years would I cost her but it seems there has been a jotham in the family ever since the memory of man each eldest son handing down his father's name to the next in descent an Ernest real name is Jotham Ernest of all the extraordinary combinations his mother would add the latter name in spite of everything Ernest behaved very well through the whole affair and said he had no feeling about it at all but he was so gratified that when I decided to keep up the family custom that I feel rewarded for the sacrifice father is in one of his gloomiest moods as I sat caressing baby today he said to me daughter Catherine I trust you make it a subject of prayer to God for my dolletry no father I returned I never do an idol is something one puts in God's place and I don't put baby there he shook his head and said the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked I have heard mother say that we might live an earthly object as much as we pleased if only we love God better I might have added but of course I didn't that I prayed every day I might love Ernest and baby better and better I seemed puzzled and troubled by what I did say and after musing a while went on thus the almighty is a great and terrible being he cannot bear a rival he will have the whole heart or none of it when I see a young woman so absorbed in a created being as you are in that infant and in your other friends I tremble for you I tremble for you but father I persisted God gave me this tile as it is yes and that heart needs renewing I hope it is renewed I replied but I know there is a great work still to be done in it and the more effectually it is done the more loving I shall grow don't you see father don't you see that the more Christ like I become the more I shall be filled with love for every living thing he shook his head but pondered long as he always does on whatever he considers audacious as for me I am not with my presumption in disputing with him and I am sure too that I was trying to show off what little wisdom I have picked up besides my mountain does not stand so strong as it did perhaps I am making idols out of earnest and the baby January 16th 1839 this is our second wedding day I did not expect much from it after last year's failure father was very gloomy at breakfast and retired to his room directly after it no one could get in to make his bed and he would not come down to dinner I wonder Ernest lets him go on so but his rule seems to be to let everybody have their own way he certainly lets me have mine after dinner he gave me a book I have been wanting for some time and had asked him for The Imitation of Christ ever since that day at Mrs. Campbell's I have felt that I should like it though I did think in old times that it preached too hard a doctrine I read aloud to him the four steps to peace he said they were admirable and then took it from me and began reading to himself here and there I felt the precious moments when I had got him all to myself for passing away and was becoming quite out of patience with him when the words constantly seek to have less rather than more flashed into my mind I suppose this direction had reference to worldly good but I despise money and despise people who love it the riches I crave are not silver and gold but my husband's love and esteem and of these must I desire to have less rather than more I puzzled myself over this question in vain but when I silently prayed to be satisfied with just what God chose to give me of the wealth I crave yes, hunger and thirst for I certainly felt a sweet content for the time at least that was quite resting and quieting and just as I had reached that acquiescent mood earnest threw down his book and came and caught me in his arms I thank God he said my precious wife that I married you this day the wisest thing I ever did was when I fell in love with you and made a fool of myself what a speech for my silent old darling to make whenever he says and does a thing out of character and takes me all by surprise how delightful he is now the world is a beautiful world and so is everybody in it I met Martha on the stairs after Ernest had gone and caught her and kissed her she looked perfectly astonished what spirits the child has I heard her whisper to herself no sooner down than up again and she sighed can it be that under that stern and hard crust there lie hidden affections and perhaps hidden sorrows I ran back and asked as kindly as I could what makes you sigh Martha is anything troubling you have I done anything to annoy you you do the best you can she said and pushed past me to her own room end of chapter 13 chapter 14 of stepping heavenward by E. Prentice this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Aaron Tabano stepping heavenward by E. Prentice chapter 14 January 30th who would have thought I would have anything more to do with poor old Susan Green Dr. Cabot came to see me today and told me the strangest thing it seems that the nurse who performed the last offices for her was taken sick about six months ago and that Dr. Cabot visited her from time to time her physician said she needed nothing but rest and good nourishing food to restore her strength but she did not improve at all and at last it came out that she was not taking the food the doctor ordered because she could not afford to do so having lost what little money she had contrived to save Dr. Cabot on learning this gave her enough out of Susan's legacy to meet her case and in doing so told her about that extraordinary will the nurse then assured him that when she reached Susan's room she was in and that I was praying with her she had remained waiting in silence fearing to interrupt me she saw me faint and sprang forward just in time to catch me and keep me from falling I take great pleasure therefore Dr. Cabot continued in making over Susan's a little property to you to whom it belongs and I cannot help congratulating you that you have had the honour and the privilege of perhaps leading that poor benighted soul to Christ even at the eleventh hour Dr. Cabot I cried what a relief it is to hear you say that for I have always reproached myself for the cowardice that made me afraid to speak to her of her saviour it takes less courage to speak to God than to man it is my belief replied Dr. Cabot that every prayer offered in the name of Jesus is sure to have its answer every such prayer is dictated by the Holy Spirit and therefore finds acceptance with God and if your cry for mercy on poor Susan's soul did not prevail with him on her behalf as we may hope it did then he has answered it in some other way these words impress me very much to think that every one of my poor prayers is answered every one Dr. Cabot then returned to the subject of Susan's will and in spite of all I could say to the contrary insisted that he had no legal right to this money and that I had he said that he hoped that it would relieve us from some of the petty economies now rendered necessary by earnest struggle to meet his father's liabilities instantly my idol was rudely thrown down from his pedestal how could he reveal to Dr. Cabot a secret he had pretended it cost him so much to confide to me his wife I could hardly restrain tears of shame and vexation but did control myself so far as to say I would sooner die than appropriate Susan's hard earnings to such a purpose and that I should use it for the poor as I was sure he would have done he then advised me to invest the principle and use the interest from year to year as occasions presented themselves so I shall have more than a hundred dollars to give away each year as long as I live how perfectly delightful I can hardly conceive of anything that gives me so much pleasure poor old Susan how many hearts she shall cause to sing for joy February 25th things have not gone on well of late dearly as I love earnest he has lowered himself in my eye but telling that to Dr. Cabot it would have been far nobler to be silent concerning the consequences and he certainly grows harder, graver, sterner every day he is all shut up within himself and I am growing afraid of him it must be that he is bitterly disappointed in me and takes refuge in this awful silence oh if only I could please him and know that I pleased him how different my life would be baby does not seem well I have often plumed myself on the thought that having a doctor for his father would be such an advantage to him as he would be ready to attack for symptoms of disease but Ernest hardly listens to me when I express anxiety about this or that and if I ask a question he replies oh you know better than I do mothers know by instinct how to manage babies but I do not know by instinct or in any other way and I often wish that the time I spent over my music had been spent learning how to meet all the little emergencies that are constantly arising since baby came how I used to laugh in my sleeve at those anxious mothers who lived near us they always seemed to be in hot water Martha will take baby when I have other things to attend to and she keeps him every Sunday afternoon that I may go to church but she knows no more about his physical training than I do if my dear mother were only here I feel a good deal worn out what with the care of baby who is restless at night and with whom I walk about lest he should keep Ernest awake the depressing influence of father's presence life seems to me little better than a burden that I have not strength to carry and would gladly lay down March 3 if it were not for James I believe I should sink he is so kind and affectionate so ready to fill up the gaps Ernest leaves empty and is so sunshiny and gay that I cannot be entirely sad baby too is a precious treasure it would be wicked to cloud his little life with my depression I try to look at him always with a smiling face he already distinguishes between a cheerful and a sad countenance I am sure that there is something in Christ's gospel that would soothe and sustain me amid these varied trials if I only knew what it is and how to put forth my hand and take it but as it is I feel very desolate Ernest often congratulates me on having had such a good night's rest when I have been up and down every hour with baby half asleep frozen and exhausted but he shall sleep at any rate April 5 the first rays of spring make me more languid than ever Martha cannot be made to understand that nursing such a large, voracious baby losing sleep and confinement within doors are enough to account for this she is constantly speaking in terms of praise for those who keep up even when they do feel a little out of sorts and says she always does in the evening after baby gets to sleep I feel fit for nothing but to lie on the sofa dozing but she sees in this only a lazy habit which ought not to be tolerated and is constantly devising ways to rouse and set me at work if I had more leisure for reading meditation and prayer I might still be happy but all the morning I must have baby till he takes his nap and as soon as he gets to sleep I must put my room in order and by that time all the best part of the day is gone and at night I am so tired that I can hardly feel anything but my wariness that too is my only chance of seeing Ernest lock my door and fall upon my knees I keep listening for his step ready to spring with welcome should he come this is wrong I know but how can I live without one loving word from him and every day I am hoping it will come May 2nd Auntie was here today I have not seen her for some weeks she exclaimed at my looks in a tone that seemed to up braid Ernest and Martha though of course she did not mean to do that you are not fit to have the whole care of that great boy and you ought to begin to feed him both for his sake and your own I am willing to take the child at night Martha said little stiffly but I suppose his mother preferred to keep him herself and so I do I cried I should be perfectly miserable if I had to give him up just as he is getting teeth and so wakeful what are you taking to keep up your strength dear asked Auntie nothing in particular I said very well it is time the doctor looked after that she cried it really will never do to let you run down in this way let me look at baby why my child his gums need lancing so I have told Ernest half a dozen times I declared but he is always in a hurry and says another time will do I hope baby won't have convulsions while he is waiting for that other time said Auntie looking almost savagely at Martha I never saw Auntie so nearly out of humor at dinner Martha began I think brother that baby needs attention Mrs. Crofton has been here and says so and she seems to find Catherine run down I am sure if I had known it I should have taken her in hand and built her up but she did not complain she never complains father here put in calling all the blood I had into my face my heart so leaped for joy at his kind word Ernest looked at me and caught the illumination of my face you look well dear he said but if you do not feel so you ought to tell us as to baby I will attend to him directly so Martha's one word prevailed when my twenty fell to the ground baby is much relieved and has fallen into a sweet sleep and I have had time to carry my tired oppressed heart to my compassionate saviour and to tell him what I cannot utter to any human ear how strange it is that when through many years of leisure and strength prayer was only a task now my chief solace if I can only snatch time for it Mrs. Embry has a little daughter how glad I am for her she is going to give it my name that is a real pleasure July 4th baby is ten months old today and in spite of everything is bright and well I have come home to mother Ernest waked up at last to see that something must be done and when he is awake he is very wide awake so he brought me home and I am delighted only she will make an adieu about my health but I feel a good deal better and think I shall get nicely rested here how pleasant it is to feel myself watched by friendly eyes my faults excused and forgiven and what is best in me called out I have been writing to Ernest and have told him honestly how annoyed and pained I was at learning that he had told his secret to Dr. Cabot July 12th Ernest writes that he has had no communication but touching his father's honor as it does he regards as a sacred one you say dear he said you often say that I do not understand you are you sure you understand me of course I don't how can I how can I reconcile his marrying me and professing to do it with delight with his indifference to my society his reserve his carelessness about my health but his letters are very kind and really warmer than he is I can hardly wait for them even though my pride bids me to be reticent as he is my heart runs away with me and I pour out upon him such floods of affection that I am sure he is half-drowned mother says baby is splendid August 1st when I took leave of Ernest I was glad to get away I thought he would perhaps find after I was gone that he missed something out of his life and would welcome me home with a little of the old love but I did not dream that he would not find it easy to do without me till summer was over when this morning he came suddenly upon us carpet bag in hand I could do nothing but cry in his arms like a tired child and now I had the silly triumph of having mother see that he loved me how could you get away I asked at last and what made you come and how long can you stay I could get away because I would he replied and I came because I wanted to come and I can stay three days three days of Ernest all to myself August 5th he is gone but he is left behind him a happy wife and the memory of three happy days after the first joy of our meeting was over we had time for just such nice long talks as I delight in Ernest began by upbraiding me a little for my injustice and fancying that he betrayed his father to Dr. Cabot that is not all I interrupted I even thought you had made a boast of the sacrifices you were making that explains your coldness he returned my coldness and the endless things in the world I cried you were cold for you and I felt it don't you know that we undemonstrative men prefer loving winsome little women like you just because you are our own opposites and when the pet kitten turns into a cat with claws now Ernest that is really too bad to compare me to a cat you certainly did say some sharp things to me about that time did I really oh Ernest how could I and it was at a moment when I particularly needed your help but do not let us dwell upon it we love each other we are both trying to do right in all the details of life I do not think we should ever get very far apart but Ernest tell me are you very very much disappointed in me disappointed why Katie then what did make you seem so indifferent what made you so slow to observe how miserably I was as to health did I seem indifferent I am sure I never loved you better as to your health I am ashamed of myself I ought to have seen how feeble you were but the truth is I was deceived by your bright ways with baby for him you were all smiles and gayity that was from principle I said and felt a good deal elated as I made the announcement he fell into a fit of musing and none of my usual devices for arousing him had any effect I pulled his hair and his ears and shook him but he remained unmoved at last he began again perhaps I owe it to you dear to tell you that when I brought my father and sister home to live with us I did not dream how trying a thing it would be to you I did not know that he was a confirmed invalid or that she would prove to possess a nature so entirely antagonistic to yours I thought my father would interest himself in reading, visiting, etc. as he used to do and I thought Martha's judgment would be of service to you while her household skill would do you have some care but the whole thing has proved a failure I am harassed by the sight of my father sitting there in his corner so penetrated with gloom I reproach myself for it but I almost dread coming home when a man has been all day encompassed with sounds and sights of suffering he naturally longs for cheerful faces and cheerful voices in his own house then Martha's pertinacious I won't say hostility to my little wife what shall I call it it is only want of sympathy she is too really good to be hostile to anyone thank you my darling he said I believe you do her justice I am afraid I have not been as forbearing with her as I ought I said but oh Ernest it is because I have been jealous of her all this time that is really too absurd you certainly have treated her with more deference than you have me you looked up to her and looked down upon me at least it seemed so my dear child you have misunderstood the whole thing I gave Martha just what she wanted most she likes to be looked up to and I gave you what I thought you wanted most my tenderest love and I expected that I should have your sympathy amid the trials with which I am burdened and that with your strong nature I might look to you to help me bear them I know you have the worst of it dear child but then you have twice my strength I believe women almost always have more than men I have indeed misunderstood you I thought you'd like to have them here and that Martha's not fancying me influenced you against me but now I know just what you want of me and I can give it darling after this all our cloud melted away I only long to go home and show Ernest that he shall have one cheerful face about him and have one cheerful voice August 12 I have had a long letter from Ernest today he says he hopes he has not been selfish and unkind in speaking of his father and sister as he has done because he truly loves and honors them both and wants me to do so if I can his father had called them up twice to see him die and to receive his last messages this always happens when Ernest has been up all the previous night there seems a fatality about it End of Chapter 14 Recording by Aaron Tavano, Los Angeles, California For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Read by Anna Christensen Stepping Heavenward by E. Prentice Chapter 15 October 4 Home again and with my dear Ernest delighted to see me Baby is a year old today and as usual father who seems to have poured anything like a merry making took himself off to his room and tomorrow he will be all the worse for it and will be sure to have a theological battle with somebody October 5 That somebody was his daughter Catherine as usual Baby was asleep in my lap and I reached out for a book which proved to be a volume of Shakespeare which had done long service as an ornament to the table but which nobody ever read on account of the small print The battle then begun thus Father I'm your hands my daughter daughter a little mischievously Why were you wanting to talk father? No I am too feeble to talk today my pulse is very weak Let me read aloud to you then Not from that profane book It would do you good you never take any recreation do let me read a little Father gets nervous Recreation is a snare I must keep my soul ever fixed on divine things But can you? No Alas it is my grief and shame that I do not But if you would indulge yourself in a little harmless mirth now and then your mind would get rested and you would return to divine things with fresh zeal Why should not the mind have its seasons of rest as well as the body? We shall have time to rest in heaven Our business here on earth is to be sober and vigilant It is an anniversary not to be reading plays I don't make reading plays my business dear father I make it my rest and amusement Christians do not need amusement they find rest refreshment all they want in God Do you father? Alas no he seems a great way off To me he seems very near so near that he can see every thought of my heart dear father It is your disease that makes everything so unreal to you God is really so near really loves us so is so sorry for us and it seems hard when you are so good and so intent on pleasing him that you get no comfort out of him I am not good my daughter I am a vile worm of the dust Well God is good at any rate and he would never have sent his son to die for you if he did not love you So then I began to sing I liked to hear me sing and the sweet sense I had that all I had been saying was true and more than true made me sing with joyful heart I hope it is not a mere miserable presumption that makes me dare to talk so to poor father Of course he is ten times better than I am and knows ten times as much but his disease, whatever it is keeps his mind be fogged I mean to begin now to pray that light may shine into his soul it would be delightful to see the peace of God shining in that pale stern face March 28 it is almost six months since I wrote that about the middle of October father had one of his ill turns one night and we were all called up he asked for me particularly and earnest came for me at last he was a good deal agitated and would not stop to half dress myself and as I had a sight cold already I suppose I added to it then at any rate I was taken very sick and the worst cough I ever had has wrapped my poor frame almost to pieces nearly six months confinement to my room six months of uselessness during which I've been a mere cucumber of the ground poor earnest went a hard time he has had instead of a cheerful welcome home I was to give him whenever he entered the house here I have lame exhausted will be gone and good for nothing it is the bitterest disappointment I ever had my ambition is to be the sweetest brightest best of wives and what with my childish follies and my sickness what a weary life my dear husband has had but how often I have prayed that God would do his willing defiance if need be of mine I have tried to remind myself of that every day but I am too tired to write anymore now March 30th this experience of suffering has filled my mind with new thought at one time I was so sick the earnest sent for mother poor mother she had to sleep with Martha and great comfort to have her here but I know by her coming how sick I was and then I began to ponder the question whether I was ready to die death looked to me as a most solemn momentous event but there was something very pleasant in the thought of being no longer a sinner but a redeemed saint and a dwelling forever in Christ's presence father came to see me when I had just reached this point my dear daughter he asked are you prepared to face a judge for all the earth no dear father I said Christ will do that for me have you no misgivings I could only smile I had no strength to talk then I heard earnest my dear calm self controlled earnest burst out crying and rushed out of the room I looked after him and how I loved him but I felt that I loved my savior infinitely more and then if he now let me come home to be with him I could trust him to be a thousand fold more to earnest than I could ever be and to take care of my darling baby and my precious mother far better than I could the very gates of heaven seemed open to let me in and then they were suddenly shut in my face and I found myself a poor, weak tempted creature here upon earth I who fancied myself in air of glory was nothing but a peevish human creature very human indeed I would come if Martha shook the bed as she always did irritated if my food did not come at the right moment or was not of the right sort hurt and offended if earnest put on a tone less anxious and tender than he had used when I was very ill and in short my own poor, faulty self once more oh what fearful battles I fought for patience, forbearance and unselfishness what sorrowful tears of shame I shed over hasty and patient wards and fretful tones no wonder I longed to be gone where weakness should be swallowed up in strength and sin give place to eternal perfection but here I am and suffering and work lie before me for which I feel little physical or mental courage but blessed be the will of God April 5th I was alone with father last evening Ernest and Martha both being out and soon saw by the way he fidgeted in his chair that he had something on his mind so I laid down the book I was reading and asked him what it was my daughter he began can you bear a plain word from an old man I felt frightened for I knew I had been impatient to Martha of late in spite of all my efforts to the contrary I am still so miserably unwell I have seen many deathbeds he went on but I never saw one where there was not some dread of the king of terrors exhibited nor one where there was such absolute certainty of having found favor with God to make the hour of departure entirely free from such doubts and such humility has become a guilty sinner about to face his judge but there have been many such deaths and I hardly know of any scene that so honors and magnifies the Lord yes he said slowly but they were old mature ripened Christians not always so dear father let me describe to you a scene Ernest described to me only yesterday he waved his hand in token that this would delay his coming to the point he was aiming at to speak plainly he said I feel uneasy about you my daughter you are young and in the bloom of life but when death seemed staring you in the face you expressed no anxiety asked for no counsel showed no alarm it must be pleasant to possess a comfortable persuasion of our acceptance with God but is it safe to rest on such an assurance while we know that the human heart is deceitful about all things and desperately wicked I thank you for the suggestion I said and dear father do not be afraid to speak still more plainly you live in the house with me see all my shortcomings and my faults and I cannot wonder that you think me a poor weak Christian but do you really fear that I am deceived understanding this I do really love my God and savior and am his child no he said hesitating a little I can't say that exactly I can't say that this hesitation distressed me at first it seemed to me that my life must have uttered a very uncertain sound if those who saw it could misunderstand its language but then I reflected that it was at best a very faulty life and that its springs of action were not necessarily seen by lookers on father saw my distress and perplexity and seemed touched by them just then Ernest came in with Martha but seeing that something was amiss the latter took herself off to a room which I thought really kind of her what is it father what is it Katie asked Ernest looking from one troubled face to the other I tried to explain I think father you may safely trust my wife's spiritual interest to me Ernest said with warmth you do not understand her I do because there is nothing morbid about her because she has a sweet, cheerful confidence in Christ you doubt and misjudge her you may depend upon it that people are individual in their piety as in other things and cannot all be run in one mold Katie has a playful way of speaking I know she expresses her strongest feelings with what seems like levity and is, perhaps, a little reckless about being misunderstood in consequence he smiled on me as he thus took up the cajoles in my defense and I never felt so grateful to him in my life the truth is I hate sentimentalism so cordially and have besides such an instinct to conceal my deepest, most sacred emotions that I do not wonder people must understand and acknowledge me I did not refer to her a playfulness father returned old people must make allowances for the young they must make allowances what pains me is that this child full of life and gayity as she is sees death approach without that becoming awe and terror which befits mortal man Ernest was going to reply but I broke in eagerly upon his answer it is true that I express new anxiety when I believe death to be at hand I felt none I had given myself a way to Christ and he had received me and why should I be afraid to take his hand and go where he led me and it is true that I asked for no counsel I was too weak to ask questions or to like to have questions asked but my mind was bright and wide awake while my body was so feeble and I took counsel of God oh, let me read to you messages from the life of Caroline Fry which will make you understand how a poor sinner looks upon death the first is an extract from a letter written after learning that our days on earth were numbered as many will hear and will not understand why I want no time of preparation often desired by far holier ones than I I tell you why and shall tell others and so shall you it is not because I am so holy but because I am so sinful the peculiar character of my religious experience has always been a deep and agonizing sense of sin the sin of yesterday of today confessed with anguish hard to be endured and cried for pardon that could not be unheard each day cleansed anew in Jesus blood and each day more and more hateful in my own sight what can I do in death I have not done in life what do in this week when I am told I cannot live other than I did last week when I knew it not alas there is but one thing undone to serve him better and the death bed is no place for that therefore I say if I am not ready now I shall not be by delay so far as I have to do with it if he has not to do with me that is his part I need not ask him not to spoil his work by too much haste and these were her dying words a few days later this is my bridal day the beginning of my life I wish there should be no mistake about the reason of my desire to depart and to be with Christ I confess myself the vilest chiefest of sinners and that desire to go to him that I may be rid of the burden of sin the sin of my nature not the past repented of everyday but the present hourly momentary sin or make admit the sense of which at times drives me half mad with grief I shall never forget the expression of father's face as I finish reading these remarkable words he rose slowly from his seat and came and kissed me on the forehead then he left the room returned with a large volume and pointing to a blank page requesting me to copy them there he complained that I do not write legibly so I printed them as plainly as I could with my pen June 20th on the first of May there came to us with other spring flowers our little fair-haired blue-eyed daughter how rich I felt when I heard Ernest's voice as a reply to a question asked at the door proclaimed mother and children all well to think that we who thought ourselves rich before are made so much richer now but she is not large and vigorous as little Ernest was and we cannot rejoice in her without some misgivings yet her very frailty makes her precious to us little Ernest hangs over her with an almost lover-like pride and devotion and should she live I can imagine what a protector he will be for her I have had to give up the care of him to Martha during my illness I do not know what would have become of him but for her one of the pleasant events of every day at this time was her bringing him to me in such exquisite order his face shining with health and happiness his hair and dress so beautifully neat and clean now that she has the care of him she has become very fond of him and he's certainly from one bond of union between us for we both agree that he is the handsomest best most remarkable child that ever live or ever will live July 6th I have come home to dear mother with both my children Ernest says our only hope for baby is to keep her out of the city during the summer months what a petite we made and she is where does all the love come from if I had had her always I do not see how it could be more fond of her and do people call it living who never had any children July 10th if this darling baby lives I shall always believe it is owing to my mother's prayers I find little Ernest a passionate temper and a good deal of self-will but he has fine qualities I wish he had a better mother I am so impatient with him when he is wayward and perverse what he needs is a firm gentle hand moved by no caprice and controlled by the constant fear of God he never ought to hear an irritable word or sharp tones but he does hear them I must own with grief and shame the truth is so long since I really felt strong and well that I am not myself and cannot do him justice poor child next to being a perfect wife I want to be a perfect mother how mortifying how dreadful in all things to come short of even one's own standard what approach then does one make to God's standard mother seems very happy to have us here though we make so much trouble he encourages me in all my attempts to control myself and to control our dear little boy and the chapter she gives me out of her own experience are as interesting as a novel and a good deal more instructive August Dear Ernest has come to spend a week with us he is all tired out as there has been quite a deal of sickness in the city and father has had quite a serious attack he brought with him a nurse for baby as one more desperate effort to strengthen her constitution I reproached him for doing it without consulting me but he said mother had written to tell him that I was all worn out and not in a state to have the care of the children it has been a terrible blow to me one by one I am giving up the sweetest maternal duties God means that I shall be nothing and do nothing a mere useless sufferer when I tell Ernest so he says I am everything to him and that God's children please him just as well when they sit patiently with folded hands if that is his will as when they are hard at work but to be at work, to be useful to be necessary to my husband and children is just what I want and I do find it hard to be set against the wall as it were like an old piece of furniture no longer of any service I see now that my first desire has not been to please God but to please myself for I am restless under his restraining hand and find my prison a very narrow one I would be willing to bear any other trial I should only have health and strength for my beloved ones I pray for patience with bitter tears End of Chapter 15 Stepping Heavenward by E. Prentice This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Read by Anna Christensen Stepping Heavenward by E. Prentice Chapter 16 October We are all at home together once more The parting with mother was very painful Every year that she lives now increases her loneliness and makes me long to give her the shelter of my home but in the midst of these anxieties how much I have to make me happy Little Ernest is the life and soul of the house the sound of his feet pattering about and all his prattle are the sweetest music to my ear and his heart is brim full of love and joy so that he shines on us all like a sun beam Baby is improving every day and is one of those tender, clinging little things that appeal to everybody's love and sympathy I never saw a more angelic face than hers Father sits by the hour looking at her Today he said Dr. Catherine This lovely little one is not meant for this sinful world The world needs to be adorned with lovely little ones I said And Baby was never so well as she is now Do not set your heart too fondly upon her He returned I feel that she is far too dear to me But Father we could give her to God if he should ask for her Surely we love him better than we love her But as I spoke a sharp pain shots through and through my soul and I held my little fair daughter closely in my arms as if I could always keep her there It may be my conceit but it really does seem as if poor Father was getting a little fond of me Ever since my own sickness I have felt a great sympathy for him and he feels, no doubt that I give him something that neither Ernest nor Martha can do since they were never sick one day in their lives I do wish he could look more at Christ and at what he has done and is doing for us The way of salvation is to me a wide path Absolutely radiant with the glory of him who shines upon it I see my shortcomings I see my sins but I feel myself bathed as it were in the effulgent glow that proceeds directly from the throne of God and the Lamb It seems as if I ought to have some misgivings about my salvation but I can hardly say that I have one How strange, how mysterious that is And here is Father so much older, so much better than I am creeping along in the dark I spoke to Ernest about it He says I owe it to my training in a great measure and that my mother is 50 years in advance of her age but it can't be all that It was only after years of struggle and prayer that God gave me this joy November 24th Ernest asked me yesterday if I knew that Amelia and her husband had come here to live and that she was very ill I wish he would go to see her dear he added, she is a stranger here and in great need of a friend I felt extremely disturbed I have lost my old affection for her and the idea of meeting her husband was unpleasant Is she very sick? I asked Yes She is completely broken down I promised her that you should go to see her Are you attending her? Yes, her husband came for me himself I don't want to go I said It will be very disagreeable Yes dear, I know it It needs a friend as I said before I put on my things very reluctantly and went I found Amelia in a richly furnished house but looking untidy and ill cared for she was lying on a couch in her bedroom three delicate looking children were playing about and their nurse sat sewing at the window a terrible fit of coughing made it impossible for her to speak for some moments at last she recovered herself sufficiently to welcome me by throwing her arms around me and bursting into tears Oh Katie she cried should you have known me if you had met in the street don't you find me sadly altered? You are changed I said but so am I Yes you don't know it's strong but then you never did and you are as pretty as ever while I oh Kate do you remember what round white arms I used to have look at them now and she drew a purse leave poor child just then I heard a step in the passage and her husband sauntered into the room smoking do go away Charles she said impatiently you know how your cigars set me coughing he held out his hand to me with the easy nonchalant air of one who was accustomed to success and popularity I looked at him with an aversion I could not conceal the few years since we met has changed him so completely that I almost shuddered at the sight of his already bloated face and the air that told of her life worse than wasted do go away Charles Amelia repeated he threw himself into a chair without paying the least attention to her and still addressing himself to me again said upon my word you are prettier than ever and I will come again to see you at another time Amelia I said putting on all the dignity I could condense in my small frame and rising to take leave Katie he cried starting up don't go I want to have a good talk about old times Katie indeed how dare he I came away burning with anger and mortification is it possible that I ever love such a man that to gratify that love I defied and grieve my dear mother through a whole year oh from what hopeless misery God saved me when he snatched me out of the depth of my folly December 1st Ernest says I can go to see Amelia with safety now as her husband has sprained his ankle and keeps to his own room so I am going to her but I am sure I shall say something imprudent or unwise and I wish I could think it right to stay away I hope God will go with me and teach me what words to speak December 2nd I found Amelia more unwell than on my first visit and she received me again with tears how good you are to come again so soon he began I did not blame you for running off the other day Charlie's impertinence was shameful he said after you left that he perceived you had not yet lost your quickness to take offense but I know he felt that you showed a justice pleasure and nothing more no I was really angry I replied I find the road to perfection lies uphill and I slip back so often that sometimes I despair of ever reaching the top what does the doctor say about me she asked does he think me very sick I dare say he will tell you exactly what he thinks I returned if you ask him this is his rule with all his patients if I could get rid of this cough I should soon be myself again she said some days I feel quite bright and well but if it were not for my poor little children I should not care much how the thing ended with the life Charlie leads me I have it much to look forward to you forget that the children's nurses in the room I whispered oh I don't mind charlotte charlotte knows he neglects me don't you charlotte charlotte was discreet enough to pretend not to hear this question and Amelia went on it began very soon after we were married he would go round with other girls exactly as he did before then when I spoke about it he would just laugh in his easy good natured way but pay no attention to my wishes then when I grew more in earnest he would say that as long as he let me alone I thought that when our first baby came that would sober him a little but he wanted a boy and it turned out to be a girl and my being unhappy and crying so much made the poor thing fretful it kept him awake at night so we took another room after that I saw him less than ever though now and then he would have a little love fit when he would promise to be at home more and treat me with more consideration we had two more little girls twins and then a boy charlotte seemed quite fond of him he seemed improved though he was still out a great deal with a side of idle young men smoking, drinking wine and I don't know what else his uncle gave him too much money and he had nothing to do but to spend it you must not tell me anymore now I said wait till you are stronger the nurse rose and gave her something which seemed to refresh her I went to look at the little girls who were all pretty pale faced creatures very quiet and mature in their ways I am rested now said Amelia and it does me good to talk to you because I can see that you are sorry for me I am indeed I cried when our little boy was three months old I took this terrible cold and began to cough charlotte first rum and straighted with me for coughing so much he said it was a habit I had got and that I ought to cure myself of it then the baby began to pine and pine and the more it wasted the more I wasted and at last it died he or the poor child burst out again with her tears as fast as they fell thankful that she could cry after that she went on after a while charlie seemed to lose his last particle of affection for me he kept away more than ever and once when I besought him not to neglect me and my children so he said he was well paid for not keeping up his engagement with you that you had some strength of character and Amelia I interrupted do not repeat such things they only pain and mortify me she sighed this is what he has at last brought me to I am sick and broken hearted and care very little what becomes of me there was a long silence I wanted to ask her if when earthly refuge failed her she could not find shelter in the love of Christ but I have what is I fear a morbid terror of seeking the confidence of others I knelt at last and kissed the poor fated face yes I knew you would feel for me she said the only pleasant thought I had when charlie insisted on coming here to live was that I should see you does your uncle live here too I asked yes he came first and it was that that put it into charlie's head to come he is very kind to me yes I said and God is kind too isn't he kind to let me get sick and discuss charlie now Katie how can you talk so I replied by repeating two lines from a hymn of which I am very fond O Saviour whose mercy is severe in its kindness has chastened my wanderings and guided my way I don't care much for him she said when one is well and everything goes quite to one's mind it is nice to go to church and seeing with the rest of them but sick as I am it isn't so easy to be religious but isn't this the very time to look to Christ for comfort what's the use of looking anywhere for comfort she said previously wait till you are sick and heartbroken yourself and you'll see that you won't feel much like doing anything but just groan and cry your life out I have been sick and I know what sorrow means I said and I am glad that I do fire learned Christ in that school and I know that he can comfort when no one else can you always were an odd creature she replied I never pretended to understand half you said I saw that she was tired and came away oh how I wish that I had been able to make Christ look to her as he did to me all the way home December 24th father says he does not like Dr. Cabot's preaching he thinks that it is not doctrinal enough and that he does not preach enough to sinners but I can see that it has influenced him already that he's beginning to think of God as manifested in Christ far more than he used to do with me he is endless discussions on his and my favorite subjects and though I can never tell along what path I walk to reach certain conclusions the earnestness of my convictions does impress him strangely I am sure there was a great deal of conceit mixed up with all that I say and then when I compare my life with my own standard of duty I wonder or ever dare to open my mouth and undertake to help others baby is not at all well to see a little frail tender thing really suffering tears my soul to pieces I think it would distress me less to give her to God just as she is now a vital part of my very heart than to see her live a mere invalid life but I try to feel as I know I say that I will be done little earnest is the very picture of health and beauty he has vitality enough for two children he and his little sister will make very interesting contrasts as they grow older his ardor and vitality will rouse her and her gentleness will soften him January 1st 1841 every day brings its own duty and its own discipline how is it that I make such slow progress while this is the case it is a marvel to me why God allows characters like mine to defile his church I can only account for it with the thought that if I am ever perfected I shall be a great honor to his name for surely worse material for building up a temple of the Holy Ghost was never gathered together before the time may come when those who know me now crude, childish, incomplete will look upon me with amazement saying what have God wrought if I knew such a time would never come I should want to flee into the holes and caves of the earth I have everything to inspire me to devotion my dear mother's influence is always upon me to her I owe the habit of flying to God in every emergency and of believing in prayer then I am in close fellowship with a true man and a true Christian Ernest has none of my fluctuations he is always calm and self-possessed this is partly his natural character but he has studied the Bible more than any other book his convictions of duty are fixed because they are drawn fence and his constant contact with the sick and the suffering has revealed life to him just as it is how he has helped me on God bless him for it to be with him one half hour is an inspiration he lives in such blessed communion with Christ that he is in perpetual sunshine and his happiness fertilizes even its disordered household there is not a soul in it that does not catch somewhat of his joyousness and there are my children my darling precious children for their sakes I am continually constrained to seek after an amended a sanctified life what I want them to become myself so I enter on a new year not knowing what it will bring forth but surely with a thousand reasons for thanksgiving for joy and for hope January 16th one more desperate effort to make harmony out of the discords of my house and one more failure Ernest forgot that it was our wedding day which mortified and pained me especially as he had made an engagement to dine out I am always expecting something from life that I never get is it so with everybody I am very uneasy too about James he seems to be growing fond of Lucy's society I am perfectly sure that she could not make him happy is it possible that he does not know what a brilliant young man he is that he can have whom he pleases it is easy in theory to let God plan our own destiny and that of our friends but when it comes to a specific case we fancy we can help his judgments with our poor reason well I must go to him with this new anxiety and trust my darling brother's future to him if I can I shall try to win James confidence if it is not Lucy who or what is it that makes him so thoughtful and serious yet so wondrously happy January 17th I have been trying to find out whether this is a mere notion of mine about Lucy James laughs and evades my questions but he owns that a very serious matter is occupying his thoughts of which he does not wish to speak at present may God bless him in it whatever it is May 1st my delicate little Eunice first birthday thank God for sparing her to us a year if he should take her away I should still rejoice that this life was mingled with ours and has influenced them yes even an unconscious infant is an ever felt influence in the household what an amazing thought I have given this precious little one away to our savior and to mine living or dying she is his December 13th writing journals does not seem to be my mission on earth of late my busy hands find so much else to do and sometimes when I have been particularly exasperated and tried by the darn elements that form my home I have not dared to indulge myself with recording things that ought to be forgotten how I long to live in peace with all men and how I resent interference in the management of my children if the time ever comes that I live a spinster of a certain age and the family of an elder brother what a model of forbearance, charity and sisterly living kindness I shall be End of Chapter 16