 Joining us from Studio City is everybody's favorite, Laura House. Hello, it's me. People love you. Why? I wish they loved me, so I don't know. You're lovable. Do you wish they loved you? Do you? On my terms. I want love on my terms. As I push them away constantly, I hope. I do wish they would keep loving me. It does seem to be the psychological profile of comedians, or at least a lot. The good ones, yeah. But me, I'm, you know, I'm more of a humorist. What? I'm just a big open-hearted, just a... I'm like Dave Berry. I'm a Barbara Berry. What? So dumb. Martin Lando's wife? Oh, is that true? I think so. I think I got that wrong. Laura House, comedy writer, comedian, comic, actress, actor, and one of the world's leading experts on her own special brand of meditation, right? Well, I mean, it's not my special brand. I teach a kind that's existed for thousands of years, but yeah. And everybody loves Laura House. Well... How is your love life? Can we talk about that? Sure. It's great, David. This guy is the guy. Yeah, I'm glad to hear that. He's the guy. He's so nice. I think it took me my whole life to be beaten down enough to really know how to appreciate a nice guy. And he's a saxophone player. He plays with Oingo Boingo. Trumpet. See? He's already keeping secrets from you. Wait, this is how I find out? He told you he was playing with Todd Rungren, right? Yes. He's been cheating on Todd Rungren playing the sax. He made a bold move one time and said he played bass for Durand Durand. And I was like, that's... Come on, you can't. That's crazy. Hey, I played bass for Durand Durand. Oh, yeah. That's right. Everybody. Yeah. Trumpet. Oingo Boingo. Ridiculous. He's just so... He just shows up. He's a consistent guy. He's funny and smart and talented. He's crazy. He's just great. And a great kisser because he plays the trumpet. Right. His whole career has been focused on that part of his face. So, yeah. Real good. I used to play the trumpet in... No. Yes, I did. In marching band? It was the French marching band. Oh. We marched backwards. I don't know what that means. It's something like... I panicked. They were cowards, I think you're saying. I think so. We marched backwards toward the exit. Yeah, that's not good. No, I played in the marching band at Yeshiva. Oh. Yeah. And we had a marching band. All we played was Suze. Because we're Jews. Suze. Suze. John Phillips sues a lot. Wow. Love me. I see. No, I see. No, I get it because it's a litigious culture. Hey, I can make those jokes, Bill Maher. Don't make me school you on Girlfriend. Did you see his big apology? I thought Michael Eric Dyson did a great job speaking up, defending and promoting his book. Listen, Bill, we're friends. I have a book. Okay, go enjoy your panel. Yeah, more plugs than Joe Biden's. My head, actually. For a guy who was like, you know what? I'm going to apologize. I'm officially going to apologize. I've apologized, but I'm going to have two people on the show to yell at me. He really was defensive. He was. But they did. Yes. You know, when the both of them, when they were like, look, you just can't use that word. I know. I said it. I said, I was sorry. I said, I know, I don't usually, you know what? I don't usually, I don't usually use that word. It was like, hey, they didn't surprise you. Even having it produced and planned, he couldn't just go, yeah, you know what? It really is, is bad. You know, he was like, yeah, I know. I felt bad about it all week. We said that. Like to ice cube. Yeah, that's been said. I loved it. Ice cube was like, not by me. You invited me on here to yell at you. I'm going to do it. Yeah. Okay. Ice cube. That's been said. Yeah. No, I apologize. Oh my God. Like, why are you guys? The producer's bed doesn't come on. I wouldn't be here if I didn't have a book yet, nerd. When you're being taken to the woodshed, it means you bend over and somebody takes a switch to your behind and you say, ouch, ouch, I'll never do it again. Yeah, there was no ouch. He had his own switch and fought back in the woodshed and that's not how the woodshed works. Yeah. Bad television. Yeah. Look, I love Bill. I really do. I actually think he's the bravest guy out there. But he's also sometimes the wrongest on Islam. And it's what you're willing to turn a blind eye to. The stuff he says about Islam is as bad as it gets. It really is. But we're focusing on his use of the N word. You know, I don't know. He should be apologizing for what he says about Islam. Yeah, that's fair too. But yeah, I kind of... I watched a little of it and then I turned it off. Then I'll say this in his defense. Because I watch the show every week. I enjoy it. What I like about him is that he's not a fake to the degree that I can suss out. I worked with him just once. But he was like he is. I like that he's sort of known to be with hookers and stuff. But he's never like, I'm like your fun cousin. He's like, no, I like this. I'm weird about sex. And I like what I like. I'm kind of a dick. And that's who I am. Right. Like he doesn't... Yeah. So at least he didn't do like the Ellen version of apology of like, oh my God, instead of a monologue tonight, I'm just going to cry. About the dog? Yeah, yeah. Like at least he didn't do the like, you know, that's another weird version of an apology. But yeah, it was odd that he was so defensive. People forget that Ellen adopted a dog and then returned it. And people were like, oh, she's bad. She just couldn't stop crying. But it's like, yeah, it was, you know, like an unnecessary emotional display. But my friend, Andy Kaplow and I, we were trying to alienate ourselves from everybody in show business. So when Ellen did that on the podcast, we did a sketch called Pet Flicks. Were you just returned? You watch them, you play with them and return them? Uh-huh. Just put them back in the box? Mm-hmm. With them? That's, I'm surprised that's not a thing. I think it is a thing. It probably is a thing where you can just borrow a pet for a few days. I have this friend, Andy Breckman. And I have a running gag. He's got these beautiful kids. And I always say, hey, I've got a woman coming over. Can I borrow your kids? He goes, how much? I need them for like three hours. I want her to think that I've got my kids for the weekend. I'm a really good dad. And just them to be really loving and cheerful. And he goes, we can swing that. We can swing. Let me find that. But what did that be great to be able to rent kids? Hey, here's something. Here's a money-making idea. And there's little, like, in-app purchases. Like, for $3, they'll come in and say something real cute and I'm like, hit baby talk. Yeah, I'm sleepy. I'm kind of some wah-wah. Oh, like, for $3, they'll ask for wah-wah. For like $15, they'll throw a tantrum and then let you talk them out of it and then give you a big hug. So like your day will be like, oh, my God, what an amazing dad. What about this? Let's say I want you to think I'm the greatest human being for three days. This is just, I'm thinking out loud here, just I'm spitballing. I say, Laura House is flying into New York. She's going to be living with me for three nights. I want her to fall in love with me do things with me sexually and then after three days, out the door, I never see her again and I'm willing to spend X amount of money to make this happen. I hire these kids to portray my children who are not estranged from me. Right? Yeah, yeah. And so you go, oh, my God, I bring in this beautiful dog who was just the sweetest thing in the world. I rented the dog to make it look like and I tell you this story. Oh, I found him on the street. You wouldn't believe how much work. Skin and bones. Right. Fleas. But I knew we just needed love and some steak. And then I hire five guys in Hawaiian shirts. Oh. Yeah. Okay. With, you know, flash bulbs. And whenever we go outside, they follow us. Oh, okay. Like I'm famous. Like paparazzi. Yeah. And I take you to dinner and maybe hire a couple of people to ask me for my autograph. Yeah. And the guy at the thing is like, oh, Mr. Feldman, your usual table and the waitress is like, he's so generous. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And then I don't know if this was ever an episode in a lousy sitcom, but a big angry guy pulls out a knife and tries to rob you. Oh, uh-huh. Yeah. That must be in every, every sitcom is done. Yeah. Or just, I just think of it in movies or something. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah. And then he robs you. Right. Okay. Right. And I split with him what he gets from you to pay, to pay for the fake paparazzi and the kids. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Hell, I might even turn a profit. That's a nice twist for your lousy sitcom. I'm not doing a sitcom. I'm thinking, how can I make money off fine? No, but I'm saying how, like you could have a lousy sitcom and then do that. Because that's a funny bit of like, it looks like you're going to be the hero and punch him out. But really like you run after to get the purse and then when you catch up with them, you're like, how much is in there? Yeah. What's, uh, split this up? This is what happened to me for two years when we used to do the sitcom here on the podcast. Yeah. I'd go down that path like, let's just do it here. We could do it here. We won't make any money and we'll waste 40 hours a day. But nobody will be noting us. We can do it ourselves. It's just as good. Oh, I miss money. So I watched Bill Maher and I love the show. Blah, blah, blah. Hang on. Blah, blah, blah, blah. But my favorite part, and that's when I kind of turned it off. And this might be bad karma because often I say things without thinking. But he goes, you know, this is what Bill says. I use the N word, but come on, 24 years on television. Right. I only used it once. Right. Yeah. That's what I mean. It was so defensive. I'm thinking, come on. You want a Peabody for that? Yeah. You thought you'd never use the N word? Yeah. Yes, that was, it was just so weird that he was like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna apologize, but not, not really. Here's the other thing. He doesn't know what an apology is, I think. Right. Here's the other thing. I had a guy on to mention it, and then I disputed everything he said. Isn't that enough? Right. I guess. Here's the other thing about the N word. I never say it. And here's why I never say it. Because I don't want it to be easy to trip through my lips. Oh. You know? And there was a time when I would say the word, to quote somebody, or if there was a joke, and it had the N word in it. You know, I was okay with occasionally, you know, around friends in African-American. If it called for it, I would not say the N word. I would say the actual word. And then I thought, you know, you've got to be careful here. This is not a word that you want to slip out of your mouth. You should not be comfortable saying that word. Yeah. It's a good way to think of it. Yeah. And, you know, if you said it on television, you probably have said it a lot of times before. I don't suggest anything with the oddly high voice, but maybe... Maybe if it's... Yeah, it's... Yeah, I... I mean, I was raised kind of racist. I've been talking about that on stage. Well, here's the thing. This always pisses me off because I saw the king and I, right? And they say, you've got to be taught to hate. And then I heard racism can only be taught at home. And I'm thinking, why can't they teach that at school? Yeah. Let's... You know, there's so much that... where the public school system is failing. Mm-hmm. Go ahead. I'm sorry. It's just one more thing. So you... I just... I was actually doing a bit for my... No, I was too. Oh, okay. That's where they're failing. They're failing. Yeah. Racism. Let's keep it real, sister. Do you understand? We have to explain our bits to each other now. I would never do that. That's what's happened. On this show, I never explain a bit or apologize for a bad joke. Oh, good for you. Have you noticed that? Yeah. I just asked people. Yeah. I just asked people. Yeah. I just asked people. Yeah. I just asked people. Yeah. I just asked people. Yeah. I just asked people. Yeah. I just asked people. Yeah. I just asked people. Yeah. I just asked people. Yeah. I just asked people. Yeah. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people. Yeah, I just asked people I just asked people. Yeah. I just asked people. Yeah. I just asked people. Yeah. I just asked people. Yeah. I just asked people. Yeah. I just asked people. Yeah. I just asked people. Yeah. I just asked people. Yeah. I just asked people. He speaks out about this. He's got a great show on CNN. He's really very brave. United Shades, great show on CNN. And he has a great message that he comes by really honestly and he worked hard. He like stayed in San Francisco like 10 more years after all of his peers left, like really honing what he really wanted to say. Like he has so much to actually say. And it wasn't funny for a long time. So he, I mean, he's funny, but don't tell him I didn't, I said that. Anyway, but he had to get it right. So anyway. Believe me, this is the David Feldman show. Oh yeah, yeah. No, he'll never hear this. I didn't even hear it. But it was Kamau like started saying it about like Sarah Silverman and the like, that it was like ironic racism is still racism. And then I was like, oh, you know what it is? Because it's still like a kind of a privilege. One, these are my words, not his, but it's still a privileged white person just saying the word because they want to and whether you're saying it like, but I'm an intellectual who I don't actually have ill will toward a group of people, I can say it or a racist person who's like, well, I actually feel this way, so I can say it. It's like, you're still just saying this, you know, offensive word. So like just stop. Well, I think you say that word at your own peril. You know, we have Alan Grayson, Congressman Alan Grayson on the show today. We did a benefit for him at the improv and Sarah Silverman headlined, and this was a couple of years ago, and Congressman Grayson got called out by the conservatives for allowing David Feldman and Sarah Silverman to be so tasteless. And we talked about it. He said, look, if it's funny, let the chips fall where they may. But if you're gonna say the N word, not as a mistake, but calculatingly, let's see what happens. You know, let the market determine whether or not you're a racist. Let's see what the blowback is. It may be okay. Sarah seems to get away with it. Lisa Lampinelli seems to get away with it, as I understand it, but. It's a little less offensive, probably coming from another group that shit on, i.e. women. Hey, I did that once and I was a hooker in Thailand. You know what, David? I didn't mean a literal. Oh, sorry, I'm just very defensive. But what does that cost in Thailand? Like a quarter? 50 baht. Oh, is that a quarter? 50 baht. Okay. Yes, it's a quarter. Yeah. Well. So I guess we're just saying don't say the N word. I guess that's where we're landing. Yeah, I don't say the N word. And this other thing is we're all racist. That I'm getting tired of hearing. We're all racist. Let me tell you something, Laura House. Oh, uh-oh. Some of my best friends are white people who aren't racist. Okay, yeah, I get it. I really thought you were going with, look, some of them, I know racist. Some of my best friends are racist. What? All my friends are racist. So I don't think you have the right, what were we talking about? Yeah, I mean, if I were a racist, would I only surround myself with racists? I mean, that's insane. Yeah. I'm so secure about my lack of racism that I... That's all I hang out with is racist because it doesn't, because I'm not. What? Yes, the guy who says the N word instead of the real word, he's the one who's hiding his racism. He doesn't want to be caught. Yeah. I mean, I guess the gist of when people talk about like everyone's racist, I guess they, I mean, racist should be a really strong word. I mean, I guess they, like we all have some degree of prejudices or, you know, because we've all had experiences with, you know, groups of people we rightfully hate. Oh, gosh, what happened? What? What? We were just talking about groups of people we rightfully hate. That's not good. I was teasing. Oh, you're such a great actress. I actually... Didn't bother you at all. No. You're like, yeah, yeah, go on. No, but we all have experience. So there's, I guess that's, is that what you mean? Like when people say we're all racist to some degree, like the prejudices? Okay. So let me, let me, could I speak about this for the next 15 hours and you just listen? Okay. You don't know how, come on. Do the right comedic snore. That's good. Sexy, right? I thought you were going to go with a... I had to, I had to zag. I was, I thought you were going to pull a shamp on me. By the way, we're going to talk about racism in a second. This show, I've been asking people who listens to this show and some of my listeners can actually write an email in crayon, but still. Right. Okay. Wait. Okay. They write on the laptop in crayon and they mail me the laptop. They think it's email. They're not the brightest. Yeah. But I don't want to insult them. I have to mail them. Just got a stack of laptops. Yeah, yeah. I ask people, where do you listen? Like a lot of people, I have a lot of long haul truckers. A lot of people commuting hour, two hours a day. So they listen back and forth. And if you're doing that, I'm sorry. I truly am. But a lot of people I find out are in bed with me. Oh, listening to you while they're in bed touching themselves? Well, I hope so, but they have trouble sleeping. What? That's what they tell you. And you, to be honest, you put me right out. I've never heard more than three minutes. I basically only know the intro. I literally have only heard your podcast too and our first guest. So that's nice. A lot of people lie in bed with their iPhone, with their earbuds, with their loved one next to them and they can't sleep. And they turned off old folder. And they don't say, I can't sleep. This ambient isn't working. David Feldman will put me to sleep. That's not what they're thinking. Oh, okay. They're saying, well, as long as I can't sleep, I might as well listen, they listen to this show to fall asleep. All right, listen. Yeah, no, I. Not, not Tom R2-D2. Isn't he great? He's great. It's my favorite thing on Twitter. He's my Twitter follower. There's a guy named Nickname. Oh yeah. He's great. He's amazing. He, he reminds me of me because he hits high and low. You know, it's just like, he'll send me the foulest stuff on Twitter and then a baby elephant playing with a dog. And I'm going, how dare you? How dare you? You just threw me a change up. Out there you work your way back into my heart. Racism. Yeah. This is, this is, this is the white entitlement that I've caught myself at and I need to apologize about. So I don't consider myself racist. I catch myself saying, oh, who cares? Oh, got it. You know, for example, and this is racism and I'm going to confess to it. The conversation about the N word on Bill Maher and I apologize for thinking this. And I'm also apologizing for leaving the bathroom door open so everybody could hear it. These are thoughts better left unsaid. Okay. But occasionally when I hear this conversation about the N word as a white male, I say, who cares? There are other issues. You know, let's move on. That's where I cash myself with white privilege and not really understanding the pain that that word causes African-Americans. I've never felt that pain. So it's sometimes I'll have a knee jerk. Aren't there more important things than the N word, like all the black men who are being arrested and shot? Shouldn't we be talking about inequality? So I think that's a bit of white privilege. Yeah, because it didn't affect you. So you're dismissive. Does that make me a bad person? I mean that and all the other stuff. That doesn't make me racist thinking that. No, I don't, I mean, we live in a weird moment. Is it racist to be thinking that while burning a cross on a interracial couple's front lawn? No, no, no, people are so sensitive right now. So no, I don't think, I don't, I mean, relax everybody. No, it's, it's, it's, it is hard. I honestly had training in college. I went to University of Texas. It's 50,000 undergrad. Yeah, I'm a Texan and I'm bragging about how big something is. That's, so if that's what you were thinking and you're racist against Texas then. You met my third wife. We are like this. I dated my married, my third wife was from Texas. She had a 10 gallon uterus. Okay. Everything's big in Texas. She had, hang on. Cause you know, like I have 10 gallon hats. No, I got, I got it. So her uterus was like a 10 gallon hat. Yeah, but a uterus would very big. That would be very big. Actually a 10 gallon hat is not really 10 gallons. Yeah, no, it wouldn't hold like 10 gallons of milk. But if you have water on the brain, that's what I figured they mean by a 10 gallon hat. A lot of these rednecks from Texas have water on the brain. And so when they put that hat on, technically speaking, it's a 10 gallon hat. If you include the water in their brain. Oh, okay. Or if her water breaks in the uterus, kill me. Just kill me. I seem to still be talking. I can't, these, my lips are moving. And I, can I gather up these words in the ether and gather them up and put them back in my throat? Words keep coming out of mouth. I think my listeners are going right now. Why don't you just say the n-word? That would be so much more entertaining. Just get to it. Yeah, what I'm saying is even more offensive. What were you saying before I so wisely interrupted you? I don't know. What's that? Sorry, oh my God. I looked up, that's so funny. I looked up, why do we call it a 10 gallon hat? And then I was on some dumb history website that played that music. And then I, so I just, I shut it all down. Do we know why they call it a 10 gallon hat? No, because that music started playing and I got afraid. Do you know how this show works? It's an exaggeration is what I caught. It's just an exaggeration of like, because it's a hat with a brim, so it's like it could hold 10 gallons of water up there, which, and it's just an obvious exaggeration. I see. You know, like when people talk about their six inch penis, like it's just like, no way. What? Huh? You know someone with a six inch penis? That's what they say. I'm like, that you braggy. Well, six inches isn't, you don't say six inches. Oh, you don't? No. Okay. Six gallons. The six gallon balls? No. Yeah, well, in a way, I have- I got to clean down the balls. As somebody who is as sexually active as I am, who has been with so many women, get ready for this, because I think I'm on to something here. I think I finally found some comedy. So you might wanna go to the refrigerator, crack a brewski and come back, because I think I am about to say something funny, Laura. Okay, well, there goes 10 years of sobriety, but I- All right, you ready? Yeah. Okay. Sex. So a six gallon penis. For years, men were told women want a large penis, right? Yeah. Then we were told it isn't the length, it's the girth. Now, oh boy, I oversold this one. It's the splash that turns on them. Okay. Women are looking for six gallons of splash. Wow, yeah, the splash at the end. Is that, it's because supposedly it makes good face cream. So basically if you can get a guy, if you can get a six gallon splash, then you can like save it in a bucket. Like look young forever. I walk up to women. This is a real weird rabbit hole, but keep going. Well, I've been in a rabbit hole and they can't accommodate six gallons. Okay, well, that's all right, that's not. Good or funny. No, but great, now PETA is emailing you. I love animals. Let's just look at that, look at that rabbit. He looks just like me. Filled it. Filled it. Look at the pluggy fur that he got, the classic. Obviously. Obviously. Obviously I helped make these. It's part rabbit and it's part Feldman, which means it multiplies like a rabbit, but also expounds on great historical moments from I'm lost, helping. Did that rabbit just start a podcast? I don't know, but I'm scared. I thought I had, so I think this, you know what? I think I should have just quit after the six gallon splash, that me walking up to a woman at a bar and going, hey baby, you know what I'm packing? A six gallon penis. I think that might be in the neighborhood of comedy. I'll splash and you'll shoot across the room. Do you know why they call me the fireman? No. Hang on. It's not, because I'm gonna save you from a burning building. Hang on, don't call the fire department. This is me in the kitchen fire. I'll need. Just give me a minute. Give me a minute or a photograph of Lonnie Anderson, 1984. I can put this fire out. No need to call 911. Just give me a minute or put on 30 rock. No sound. It's Judah Friedlander. What can I say? I love those hats. I love those hats. I was watching the Johnny Carson show. I couldn't sleep. And I just watched. It's so fun that it plays on that weird channel. And I just watch Rickles. I'm obsessed with Rickles. I just think he is a miracle. Can I tell you, I wanna hear your thing, but I wanna interject, so let me know when it's best. My boyfriend, so we were at a comedy show Friday, and big poster of Rickles. And so of course you're just like, oh God, he was amazing. I saw him a couple of years ago at the Wiltern. Boyfriend says he played with him at the Tropicana New Year's Eve, 1996. Wow. He's a jazz, he plays in all these orchestras and bands because he's a jazz, he's a trumpet player. So he told this great, he said, Rickles is on stage doing his thing and he always does a set thing. And the band was just doing this for like one or two nights. It wasn't like a regular thing. And so you have your songbook in front of you. And he said so, and it's like an 18 piece thing. And so Rickles goes through and like, he goes from like the third song he's gonna do and he skips song four, like on accident, and he goes to five. So the band director, or he's, you know, he skipped song four and the band director like sends word around like skip song four, like he skipped the cue, like he didn't do it. So just the next song will be song five and my boyfriend says that everybody got the message except one trumpet player, which wasn't, which wasn't him, but was this guy on the end. So the song, Rickles was gonna, you know, song five was this like kind of slow ballad-y kind of thing that he's gonna do. Song four was like a crazy, like started, he says it in some smarter way than me, but like a Spanish bullfighting, like, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, like started. The toreadores, yeah. So. Wait a second, your boyfriend played the toreadores song when Don entered? Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. I don't know, but he, but he could. Can I finish my story? Sure. So the one, so Rickles goes in and it starts this, this slow ballad, except the trumpet starts with this, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, like whatever the thing is. This really, and then he's like, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, orchestra isn't joining him. And I'm sure the guy next room was like, we're going to five, go to five. And so Rickles' live show with the Tropicana turns around, you'll never work in the stat, you're fired, and you're the, and just like rips on him, what I like you do, and then goes on with the show. Boyfriend said that Curtin, shows over, curtain comes down, Rickles turned immediately to that trumpet player and said, I am so sorry. That is my fault. I have never skipped a song before. I don't know what, I am so, I just said the jokes for the audience. That was my fault. I am so sorry for that. And I started crying because I was like, that's so sweet. Like, I love those stories where he's like, just, you know, please know that it's just, you know, for the moment, the audience and the whatever, like that was on me and like. But he was getting laughs crapping on that guy. Of course. And he, you know, that was, but just like, of course it was Rickles fault, but so many people won't own that, you know, or just like they don't have to be, you know, nice. People just don't have to be nice. And it's so great when they are. Suzy Essman was on the show earlier. She plays Suzy Green on Curb Your Enthusiasm. And I asked her, you know, who is this character, Suzy Green, and she said she's drawing from girls she grew up with who just have no self-awareness and are just constitutionally incapable of admitting they're wrong. There's these strong values and this complete utter inability to say, oh my, Mike, I made a mistake. Yeah. One of the things I drilled into my kids was to admit you're wrong. Sure. You know, I remember my son said, Daddy, I'm gay. And I said, you're wrong. Yeah. You're not gay. No. Valid. Yeah. Mark, admit you're wrong. Yeah. No, but I mean, just the most important thing that you can instill in children is something that comes so easily to me. Right. And that is just say you're wrong, say you're sorry and move on. Yeah. Well, I think even the crux of that that people don't really understand and it took me a while to understand but it's just taking responsibility for your actions. Cause to me, like you acknowledge it with an, I'm sorry but the really important thing is to say, I skipped a song, that's on me. I did that, you know? And then I made fun of you as part of the show but it's like I claim ownership of your behavior. Cause like I have like an ex-boyfriend who could apologize easily but he never took responsibility. He was just like, I'm sorry cause he was just sorry that I was upset or like he was sorry that he clearly did something but it's really owning. You know what? I'm sorry I was being really selfish right there and I'm gonna try to do better next time is how you really apologize. Do you remember I told you this is a true story. My six wife came home early. My six wife came home early and I was making love to the housekeeper in our bed. Okay, sure. And I looked up, I said, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. This is wrong. Come back in five minutes, let me finish. Yeah. Remember I told you that story? Yeah, I do. And this was my seventh or sixth wife. I don't remember. This was your sixth wife. It was my sixth wife. And she didn't accept. And your fourth housekeeper. And your 14th housekeeper. My 14th housekeeper and my sixth wife would not accept the apology. I said, I said I'm sorry. Yeah. But it wasn't good enough for her. Yeah. What do you think happened to Donald? Were you gonna say something before I? No, no. Folks, folks, if you have trouble sleeping and this hasn't worked. The drug free. We need something a lot stronger. The David Feldman suit. This is. It's like Ambien, but more boring. I watched Trump, especially last week. And I have an inner Trump. Every man has an inner Trump. That's, have you been talking about that? No. That's an interesting thing to talk about because I think that's a really interesting thing to claim right there, actually. I want you to talk more about that because there is that. He's not from nowhere, this guy. He's a common, I feel like almost our collective, you know, like the shitty part of America created him. Like he's not even a person. Like he came from the shitty consciousness of, you know, the worst of us. Well, I think. I think. There is a Trump inside people. Yeah. He, I'll tell you where he comes from. He comes from the south. He comes from rural areas where you're not around a lot of people. Here's, I'm going to offend a lot of my listeners who come from the old Confederacy or maybe middle America, people who don't live in urban areas or even sub-urban areas. Donald Trump is in all men. But if you're around people, it gets knocked out of you. Got it. Yeah, it gets, it gets, you're socialized. You're socialized and civilized. And you, you are calmly, gently taught to, that's not how we behave. But if you are isolated, you, nobody ever tells you. Nobody ever tells you if you're homeschooled and you are only surrounded by like-minded people. Your inner Trump grows. Yeah. And grows, but the inner Trump is, I will never admit I'm wrong, might makes right. The world is nasty, so be nastier than the world. And you're a witty. What he means, you're in charge. Everyone's out to get you. And I watching him now going up against Comey. I know this is a cliche. He reminds me of what, I know this is a cliche, but he reminds me of what I was like when I was seven. Oh. That's who I was when I was seven. I don't think that's a cliche, but yeah. Because. You know that old cliche? When Trump goes up against Comey, it's like how I was when I was seven. You know that old saying? Well, no, that he's behaving like a seven-year-old is the old cliche. Because as we all know, the seven-year-old will always suborn evidence and promote perjury and obstruct justice. A seven-year-old always tweets about Senate hearings. So is that what you mean? And that way, he's like when you were seven. Yeah. And I had a really obvious comb over when I was seven. The way you tweeted about Senate hearings when you were seven. Are you going to watch sessions tomorrow or today? No, I can't, I don't. I feel like there's so much news on top of news, on top of news, like you hear it 30 times. I'll session also, he's so the bad guy. Like it was interesting to watch, not that Comey is like some, but at least he was like relatively the good guy in this scenario to me, from my point of view. Sessions is like just such a crazy redneck. I don't know, but I'll probably, I'll probably watch it. I don't know if I'm going to watch it. I try to be better. I try to steer my mind toward happiness. I don't know if I can. How do you deal with all this stuff? What is your reading like? What do you read? Well, I'm reading Kamau's book, which I don't think is going to make me feel good. Do you speak to him at all? Kamau, yeah. Because I was supposed to do his podcast. Oh, really? The Denzel Washington podcast to talk about Rickles and Denzel on Letterman together. Oh, that's interesting. Oh, and you were about to say you were watching Rickles. Oh, all I was going to say about Rickles was this guy, if you watch him in the 70s, this guy, he was an acrobat. Oh, yeah, dancing and singing. Yeah, leaped across. But yeah, absolutely. And being rejected and being hated at the same time. And he's, where do you get that inner strength to please an audience, a national audience, on your own terms? Where does that come from? My fantasy is that Sinatra was the one who just kept telling him, stay with it. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, I don't know. Do you have a voice in your head telling you to quit? Oh, I mean, besides this interview. Yeah, is that what you're doing? Yeah, I literally do a show. I did it as a solo show. And now I have a show at the improv lab called How to Hate Yourself that's about that voice. That's just like, you're the worst. What's wrong with you? Yeah, I think everybody has that voice, but it's, I think for people, you know, when you're pursuing some kind of, you know what? I just think everybody has it probably. I tend to think it might be worse for artists or whatever because you're vulnerable in what you're putting out in the world. But I don't know if it is worse, you know, than it is for like a school teacher or whatever, but maybe. What's the difference? How many comics have done this? They had a hate yourself. Oh, on my show? Yeah. Like 12. And do you watch their sets? Oh yeah, of course. What is the common denominator? And more importantly, what is the difference between hating yourself and thinking nobody will love me? I don't, I don't, second thing first, I don't think there is a difference. I think it's just a different way to phrase it. Oh, I think it's a lot. Oh, no, I think it's different. I think my sort of the voice in my head takes on a bunch of different, like they say in acting you're always trying to get what you want, all these different ways. Like I think the voice in my head like can take on a bunch of different ways to say it, you know, of diminishing, you know, of throwing doubt and sort of encouraging me toward quitting or, you know, despondency or something. So I, so to me, it comes out different ways, whether you're not interesting enough or, you know, yeah, no, she has a man who loves her, but no one will ever look at you that way. But that's not hating your, I mean, hate. Or you're not funny, you've never been funny. Well, hang on for one second. Hating yourself is, as I see it, I'm a bad person, I'm disgusting, I hate myself, I cannot stand being around myself. Sam, that's different than saying, you know what? I like myself, but nobody else will like me. That's different. That's your words. I'm not saying that my voice is saying I like myself, but this thing can be improved. I'm saying there's like a barrage of this is wrong, that's wrong, you don't look right, this isn't enough, you're too much in this way, blah, blah, blah. To me, all that leads up to hating yourself. Like, if you listen to that voice, that's a hate yourself voice. That's how I think of it, of like, so for me, the reason I do the show is because I'm like, let's shine a light on that fucking voice that's such a nightmare. Yeah, do you think Donald Trump hates himself? That becomes funny. You know, it's so hard to say because I think he's gone into the realm of sociopath, of like, cutting off this, I would have to assume yes. I would have to assume yes if he were, you know, taken away and put in a room alone, you know, put in a solitary confinement for a day or two that he would like go mad and then cry and break down and be like, I hate some of the worst because there's so much trying to prove something. Like, I've been close to a couple of powerful people who were very, very mean and kind of known for it. And it very much felt to me being in their presence that like, this is how they talk to themselves. Like, they hate themselves. But I've never, I haven't been that close. I've been in a room with Donald Trump but I've never like interacted with them. So I don't know. But it definitely seems like he's locked into a part of his brain that's just like, nope, I'm meant to be in charge and I'm just gonna keep moving forward. And, you know, and has found a way to like rationalize anyone who differs, you know, who criticizes him is just wrong and small and jealous. Like they try to tell you when you're little, like when people hate you and they're just jealous. Like he seems convinced of that, you know, that sort of thing. So yeah, I don't, I mean, but I would have to think just as me as a human who knows a lot of humans, I would have to think deep, deep down to in a place he probably doesn't access. I would have, I would guess, yeah, I would guess, yeah, he hates himself. The common denominator of the comics are just that there are people who are able to recognize that voice, I think. So they can tell a story that when you really, cause to me, when you really reveal that voice, it is funny because it's like, it's ridiculous. It's ridiculous that there's, that I have a brain that part of it just forms thoughts to shit on me. Like that doesn't make any survival sense necessarily of like, yeah, there's just, or with alcoholism, they say like there's a part of your brain that like once you dead, like that that's in a way what alcoholism is. Freud talks, it's called Thanatos. Freud talks about that. Yeah, well, like what, why do, why do, why have that? It's, we have, we have, it's, it's love and death. We have a death wish according to Freud. Well, there's a part of us that wants to die and destroy ourselves. Yeah, and I, and maybe it, maybe it has to do with the spectrum of that because I, I, I lean hard in that direction naturally. So you have a part of your brain that shits on you. How many bot does it charge? Oh, 50, 50. 50 bot? 50 bot, yeah. Do you think? Is that a quarter? I don't want to say. Let me ask, let's keep it clean. Let me ask you about, are there- Nice callback. Thank you. Oh, this is all scripted. Let's be honest. You know that. We have writers. God, could you imagine if this had been written? Yeah, before you go, are there people who really love themselves? Does that exist? And should they? I mean, I go to Starbucks, I overhear conversations and I just want to stand up and say, you are too easy on yourself. You need to shut up and whoever told you you had something to say, they were being sarcastic. Shut up. And then they say, dad. Nice, nice work. Nice switch. Are there people who love themselves too much? Yeah, I'm sure there are just cause there's everybody in the, you know, we're all in some spectrum of something. Like I'm sure there are people who lean hard toward that or easy on themselves or that sort of thing. But I also think when we see those people, and I see them too, but when we see those people loving themselves, you don't know what they were like a week ago or will be like in two years. Right. So I think sometimes when we're in that, maybe we're just excited about an idea and so the language we're using is very positive and optimistic. And if you were to only hear that about from that person, you know, you just had this thin slice of their existence. You might be like, oh, they're arrogant or stuck up or, you know, happy with themselves, but they might really struggle with that at other times. Does that make sense? Mm-hmm. And I also think a lot of people who really talk about loving themselves are like crazy and like sitting on a lot of anger. Like yoga assholes, you know, like people who are just, you know, like super pumped for a life or whatever it is. Like, I think that's like, oh, there's kind of a lot going on over there. What about entitlement? I don't like myself. I don't hate myself. I feel I'm entitled to certain things. What is it? You're just an asshole. I don't, what's the mystery? I have a sense of entitlement, I think. That's what an asshole is. Yeah, like I had Alan Grayson on the show. Yeah, but... Well, hang on for one second. Congressman Alan Grayson, do you know who he is? Uh-huh. Where do I get off talking to Congressman Alan Grayson other than a false sense of entitlement, right? Uh-huh. That's how you go to the moon. Yeah. Does that make sense? Well, I mean, entitlement, yeah. I mean, there's kind of good and bad... When it's out of proportion, like things that can be great a little bit can be out of proportion. So like, I guess it can be entitlement or like adventure or optimism or hope or... Delusion. ...curiosity. You know, I think there's a lot of things, reasons why you go to the moon. You know, in some ways it might be to like, in your face every other country, we did this. And then that attitude out of control leads to wars and bad things, you know? But I think it can also be like... You know why Neil Armstrong went to the moon? To avoid a subpoena. Did you know that? No. Yes. He didn't want to be served. Well, how is that not a sketch? That he's like one small step from it? One great leap from mankind. And then it's like... What? Someone's knocking on his face guard on this big helmet. Neil Armstrong? Yes? This for you? What? Oh, god damn it! And then NASA's like, Neil, are you okay? Hey, it's a subpoena. I tried to get away, and I... You sent another guy up here again. We didn't want to tell you. But we sent... We had another... Just in case you didn't make it, we sent another guy up there, and we didn't know he was the guy with your subpoena. God damn you, darling. Houston, we have a big fucking problem. She won't leave me alone. She's got a subpoena, and I'm on the moon. I'm not even sure they're my kids, Houston. Houston, fuck you guys. I'm not coming back. Hey, John Ross and I came up with a sketch for Dave Chappelle. Okay. And it's really offensive. By the way, if they end up shutting down this podcast, many people would think it's worth it. I don't want John Ross to come under fire for this, but we were thinking this would be funny for Dave Chappelle, that there's a six-month-old baby who says the N-word, doesn't say the N-word, he actually says the N-word. Got it. Like, just, it's amazing. They've never seen a child speak this young, this early, and this articulately, but it's the N-word. And Chappelle is this scientist who can't get over the fact that this six-month-old baby is speaking so fluently, and they want to do studies. And it's just a baby just keeps saying the N-word over and over again, and Chappelle is blind. He's an African-American doctor, and he's just blind. You do realize with this baby, they bring the parents in, and they're saying, what did you eat during the pregnancy? And did you play Mozart in the womb? They're asking all the questions, except the important one. Why is his first word the N-word? That is funny. Is it funny? I think so. Is it so absurd? Uh-huh. And that, you know, Chappelle is just this doctor who doesn't, he doesn't care what the kid is saying or why. It's just a miracle of speech. Hey, Laura House? Yeah. We need to do this more often. I think we found some rhythms here. OK. Don't you? It's good talking to you. Yeah. Yeah. It's been too long, and everybody loves you. Believe me, I didn't want to do this. Alex, please. Hey, point, your point, you've made it clear. I do what Alex Brazell tells me to do. OK. He's the producer. I will interview a cockroach if he says interview. I don't know who to talk to. I guess that part was hurtful. I get that you were like, what's a crazy exaggeration? But you went to like, I'll talk to you, a cockroach. I have to think I'm a better conversation. You are. Is this me being arrogant? You're fantastic. The problem is that I think I'm a little more entertaining than a cockroach. You're amazing. But how would I know? Yeah, no good point. I depend on Alex. He's a millennial, and his friends say we want to hear so and so and so and so and then. And they have excellent taste in people. And they keep saying, why isn't Laura House on? Why isn't Laura House on? And I go, you're right. You're fantastic. That's so nice. Hi, everybody. Thanks for liking me. They're asleep. Oh. And let me hear the one where I'm going like, boy, she's really hot. But when she's asleep, it's babe. She's a babe awake. And then asleep, she's the other babe. Oh, my god. I actually smell bacon now. And then like, I'm sneaking out of bed. And you're going, where are you going? Where are you going? David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David. Where are you going? I'm getting an apple to put in your mouth. I did. Did you wake up to make love? No, I don't know if I'll ever be able to make love again. Now, the other way. I have to sell this bed and all the memories that came with it. OK, now, do you know why there's a god? Why? And this is why there's a god. God has prevented me the gift of imitating Bill Cosby. Oh, there we go. Because make the snoring sounds. Now, if I could imitate Bill Cosby right now, I would be saying, hmm, this isn't really working out the way I planned. I just used up a perfectly good Kweilude. Bill, Bill, where are you going? Bill. Do you know how funny and wrong? I got to get Gilbert Gottfried on to do this. The funniest thing in the world. The women he didn't rape? The women, yeah, the women, he knocks them out and they snore like a pig. And he goes, I'll rape anyone. And that's a real boner killer. Oh, Jesus. I had. I went too far. No, I know. You know what? No, you know what I'm moaning about? And I came up with a joke. And this is an example of a joke that I would never tell. My my brother's a detective in the NYPD. Yes. And he gave me a rape kit. Yes. Once you figure the joke out and you tell it, so I don't get into trouble. Yeah. So he gave me a rape kit. It's got six roofies. Yeah. A hammer. Good. A hammer. And a ski mask. I don't know why only six roofies. It just gets worse. Well, yeah. So like, I'm going to hammer her. Is that where that expression? Hammer. I'm going to nail her. I don't know. I was just. Well, you made me finish the joke. And then I was like, I don't a hammer. I don't know what goes though. People do terrible things. I watch a lot of SBU. Women watch a lot. If women. I'm telling you. If women didn't exist. Well, you stop thinking that. Dick Wolf would have to create women so that somebody would watch SBU. And if depression didn't exist, it wouldn't be watched for 10 hours in a row. Yeah. Women watch way too much television. Oh, my God, I got to go. No, no, they do. That's I'm making a sweeping generalization. But women will sit in front of the TV. You know, not not you through the duct tape. Sports and every stupid game is five hours long. Suck it. Hey. The remote control. I'm a hunter and you're a gunter. I'm a no. That's with the. I gather food to sit in front of the TV to watch my shows. But when you're with the remote control and you can go hunt the remote control because I hit it because I don't want to watch your stupid football. Oh, I'm when I'm turning this is our terrible sitcom. Listen, I'm a man. Well, I'm a woman. But because we're going to get along. But we're married. I'm a trend. I'm in, you know, I'm in transition. So I'm a hunter and a gatherer. I'm a gunter. You know what? It's time for us to go. But then I'm left all alone. Just to think about what I just did. Yeah, OK. All right. Laura House. I am Laura House on Twitter. Yeah, I'm Laura House. I am Laura House on Twitter. Yeah, come say hi to me and Laura House dot com. And how do people reach you if they would like to learn how to meditate? Find me on Twitter. That's really the easiest way to communicate these days. And do you do meditation via Skype? I bet I could. I bet I could do it. I haven't, but I would be willing to. OK. Oh, yes. Yeah, I do all the time. No, I haven't, but it would work. It probably would. Yeah. All right. This was great. Stand the line for one second. All right. OK, OK. Thank you, Laura. Stand the line.