 what's up everybody? Yeah, so this video is gonna be a little bit different for a few reasons. As you can see my lighting is terrible. I am in a very low-budget hotel room in Los Angeles. But yeah, I wanted to make a video. Sit back, relax. It's gonna be a little bit of a story time and I'm hoping some of you could take some stuff away from this. First off, this isn't a pity me video or anything like that. So if you are just one of the people who hate me out there and you want to call me a victim or whatever, say I'm playing the victim, leave your comment down below. I'll catch you later. This is for the real rewired soldiers out there and just kind of a life update, channel update, everything like that. So yeah, I've been doing doing a lot of thinking and I made a video about James Charles the other day sticking up for Jaclyn Hill and if you didn't catch it, I opened up about something that I have not vocalized publicly. Like I've talked about it with my lovely girlfriend Tristan, with my therapist and you know some other people in my life but I haven't said it publicly and it really, I don't know what it was. It just, it gave me this clarity. So what I talked about in that video was everything that happened to me earlier this year, it was like I lost my passion for helping people with their mental health, with their addiction and it really fucked me up. By the way, sorry this is gonna be unfiltered. But it messed me up because I felt like I found my meaning of my purpose in life to help people, you know, improve their mental health to help people overcome their addiction and when you know, when everything came crashing down, it messed me up. And you know, something that I try to teach is you know, just because it feels a certain way doesn't mean it is a certain way. A great form of therapy is rational emotive behavioral therapy. I love it because it helps you think rationally. See my brain thinks, my brain tells me Chris everybody turned against you, everybody hates you. And yeah, I've been just wasting time these last six months. This reality is there's a lot of you out there who have stuck around and I love you for it. And I feel like a dick because I haven't been providing you with what you signed up for, right? So I've been thinking like right after I made that James Charles video, and I opened up about how, you know, I've shifted away from mental health, even though people keep coming and talking shit and stuff like that. I, you know, I changed my banner on YouTube and on Twitter. And I changed my intro on here to be like, I'm a commentary channel. I'm a commentary channel who cares about mental health now and people like I don't even know why I did that. People don't give a shit. People still come here and say, I thought you were a mental health channel and stuff like that. But I was like, you know what, screw mental health. I don't like I'm just done with that and it and it mess me up. And anyways, after that James Charles video, it was just on my mind and on my mind. I'm like, what? Who are you, Chris? What are you doing? And I was sitting there the next day and just, oh my God, like it just felt like I just kept getting hit in the face over and over and over with clarity. I'm not, I'm not a religious person. I am, you know, spiritual as many of you know. But yeah, it just felt like, you know, that that kind of spiritual experience where it's like, a message was like, yo, Chris, you're fucking up, right? And what it was was I was trying to get back to the place like Chris, why did you do this? Why did you? Where did your passion for helping people come from? And it's like, it's like, I've been so selfish and self centered lately, I completely forgot. And some things came up is, you know, seven years ago, I almost died. And there was a lot of survivors guilt around overcoming my addiction, like overcoming your addiction is fucking dope. Don't get me wrong. But there's so much survivors guilt that comes along with it. Like I've lost so many people to addiction. And one of the reasons I started helping people with their mental health and addiction was because like, why, why else am I here? Like, I'm one of the few every year, we're losing tens of thousands of people in the United States alone from the drug I was using, like why the fuck did I survive? You know what I mean? Like why me? And I believe, you know, part of the reason that I am here is to share that experience and try to help others and try to give other people hope that they don't got to live the way that I was living, they don't got to be miserable, addicted, suicidal, you know, not just not caring about anything like I started helping people because I want people to know that you don't have to fucking live like that. And that was the first kind of clarity I got. But then I started remembering my ex girlfriend, who passed away at the year at 24 years old from alcoholism 24 years old and she died. And part of me getting sober was, you know, in honor of her and part of me helping other people is because I don't want other people to go through that I don't want, you know, friends to lose people I don't want family members to lose people her parents lost a 24 year old daughter, right? So I try to help people in honor of her because I could never help her but I was still in the insanity of my addiction back then. So part of me trying to help other people is in honor of her and then the next piece of clarity that really just slapped this shit out of me was I was thinking about my friend Jeremiah who recently passed away from a drug overdose. Some of you saw that video I made about that he was a he was a good friend he was in recovery to he had like two years clean he relapsed he got back, you know, on the right track and he lived across the country but just out of nowhere I found out he relapsed and overdosed and died and like I haven't even thought about that in a while and that's another reason why I make you know these fucking videos it's like I don't I don't know like like I said it was just so selfish and self centered on me and something I try to teach people not to do but all I could think about was me me me me me me me me me me me right I gotta defend myself I gotta change my you know change the momentum of my channel and everything like that but anyways for those of you who don't know I'm actually out here at Vid Summit in Los Angeles and hold on my battery is about to die so just pause it get a drink I'll be right back. All right, we're good. So yeah, I'm at Vid Summit and God this this event is so I like it better than VidCon this is my second vid summit I went to VidCon this year. My buddy Aaron from the channel for the love of tech he couldn't make it so he gave me this ticket but I'm just surrounded by creators and it's got me just my me thinking even more and just kind of reflecting on things because last year at this time it was right when my channel started blowing up it was when Shane Dawson did a series with Jake Paul I kind of found that formula oh you can teach people about mental health by intertwining you know YouTube topics or drama topics if you will and my channel exploded and I was at this event and I was just riding high right and and yeah like so six months ago when I was you know had everything happen I switched to commentary and everything and like I think part of the reason I've been feeling like lost and just whatever it's like I had this intention and I had this pure focus on help people with their mental health Chris fucking help them like that's what you're here to do help people with their mental health and their addiction alright not everybody's gonna like you not everybody's gonna agree with you you just focus on the one person you can help like these are things that I knew in the depths of my soul right and then you know after everything happened I was I was trying to you know rebrand my channel rediscover my channel and everything and like I've done commentary and stuff and some of those videos have done very well very well you know and I have some other people you know who are friends in the community like oh Chris that video did well that you know and like I I don't mean any disrespect to any commentary or drama channels or whoever but like I just don't I don't like it I don't get excited I'd like what like what am I doing like I never got onto YouTube to just share my opinion about what's going on right I'm like I don't care like I really don't give a shit what other YouTubers are doing like I'm trying to figure out like what we can learn from them like the only reason I started covering drama was like because I knew people were watching that just as an escape from their own shitty life I'm like now we need to talk about your life right so like when I do just regular commentary like I did one of my recent videos that blew up was when I talked about vice being all pissed off about Dave Chappelle and it's like I can make those videos all day long but I don't want to I don't want to like I don't want to just share my opinion what am I just going to build an audience of a bunch of people who agree with me like that's like again no I don't mean any disrespect to anybody else out there like we need like I like hearing other people's opinions and stuff like that but that's that's not me that's not what my purpose is I don't I don't need to just share my opinion on what's going on I want to help people that's what I want to do and you know what got me in trouble was the way I was helping people by using this as an example so anyways if you've been sitting here by the way thank you for watching this entire video but yeah like I I want to say like I'm going I'm going back like I'm I have acquired like not only do I have my own experience like like listen if you don't like me if you don't agree with me I don't give a shit but like here's a thing like here's the thing like I'm doing this for me alright like I seven years ago I wanted to kill myself seven years ago I wasn't allowed to see my son seven years ago I could not stop drinking or using drugs for five fucking minutes I have something to offer people okay and not only that but I'm educated I have some formal education a lot of informal education and things like that but I just you know I read a bunch of books and I take online courses for the fun of it and a bunch of people don't want to do that so I try to compress it into a YouTube video and I'm not just gonna sit on that knowledge and not give it to anybody I'm just gonna like I'm just repeating and saying hey look this book is fucking great like they talk about some good shit but anyways something else I want to touch on so I'm I'm out here on vid someone with a lot of other creators and um this is my second event since everything happened and I was really nervous going to VidCon but nobody came up and talked shit like I'm so deadly afraid that someone's gonna come talk shit to me right but like nobody does like people are much more aggressive online but anyways since I've been here and these these two guys are probably not gonna watch this video but um I had the opportunity to meet uh Jarvis Johnson y'all know him as well as Leon Lush um two amazing creators who I respect the hell out of but one of my biggest fears is like running into creators who I just respect the hell out of and them not even giving me a chance because they heard they heard some shit about me you know what I mean like because there's hate videos about me but um yeah I got to chat with Jarvis Johnson I got to chat with uh Leon Lush for a little bit um and and yeah like I don't know like for example those two guys are great examples I I love watching their channels I love the commentary they do I love the angles they take and the way they discuss things and everything like that but that's just not for me I had my thing you know but it means a lot to me that guys like that you know I've obviously you know heard about what's happened to me and they're like still cool with me because they're making their own judgment of me right they're not believing just what some randoms on the internet are saying about me so anyways um I'm gonna try to wrap this thing up in just a minute but yeah uh I'm reading another great book um called Moral Tribes I've been waiting on reading it because it's like I do audiobooks for those of you who don't know and it's like 13 hours I'm like like I try to listen to books that like six seven hours but picked it up and it's so fucking good I I really love moral psychology moral philosophy and everything because especially with everything that happened to me like if you watch any commentary channel if you watch any drama channel it's really just moral policing right and it's fascinating to me because morality isn't a black and white thing like that's why I love learning about it because different people have different views like where you come from when you were born where you were born how you were raised and everything like that and like um that's something I want to add to the conversation like like when doing commentary some of you have seen I try to blend in stuff and studies that they've been talking about in uh in books and everything like that um but I I want to get back to you know mental health and I think in this book moral tribes this guy is really fucking good like I'm always trying to learn from other people but anyways he gets to a part of the book one of the chapters I just finished where he talks like because things are culturally different like morality is different like for example me and you might be into monogamy right just one person that's my shit right like my baby girl Tristan that's my girl right but in other cultures polyamory is more of a thing like which one's morally correct right it's just you're from a different place but anyways the author when he starts talking about it he starts talking about how he's going like he doesn't mean any disrespect um this is just you know he's talking about studies and everything like that but he says he says this like the way he made the disclaimer was epic all right but he said something along the lines of like this is not to be disrespectful for anybody but I I hope to point out you know what we can learn from these people from both their successes and their failures and I'm like fuck yeah dude like that's what I've been trying to do with my channel but everything got all fucked up and people thought I was like actually like like there are people who still think that I hate Trisha Payness like that's nuts I literally don't hate anybody okay like I don't hate anybody I might not like certain people I might disagree with certain people you know whatever it is but like I I've never meant to intentionally hurt anybody right but what I'm trying to do is see how we can learn from people's successes and failures that's one of the only reasons I'm alive today was because I sat in 12-step meetings and I listened to the people who are staying sober I listened to the people who are relapsing I listened to successes and failures and I think that's the best way we can do things I put up a question on my community tab I said why do you watch my channel and some people said that like you helped me learn from other people's mistakes and everything I would like to highlight more successes but anyways like I don't I don't know I don't know how much I will be using you know what's going on in the YouTube community like if you like that by the way and you're still watching this video like let me know in the comments but I like doing that like that's the way I learn like here's an example of something like that's one of the reasons I love this book moral tribes it's very good at like painting the picture right like when you go put something in an example like oh I can see it that's just a great way for me to learn right but I don't know how how much I'll be doing that I might do it a lot I might do it a little but like just so you know too like I sometimes I don't want to fucking reach you know and try to find a topic like lately what I've been trying to do is look at a subject and see what have I like what what have I learned about recently in a book that I can intertwine with this topic and and sometimes I like doing that sometimes it's fun and interesting and fascinating to me but other times I don't like so I'm going to just go back to what I used to do and just kind of mix it up like some days I might just do a video like this but better more energetic more upbeat and everything like that and just give my advice right because here's the other thing all right like I'm tired of living in like these last six months it's best been fucked up but something I've been recognizing lately too is like I got through it right like I got through this shit like I I want to inspire people like whether you love me or hate me like they're like and this isn't to toot my own horn but like how many other people could get attacked get can get attacked by hundreds of thousands of people right whether whether you believe they're right or wrong okay but how many people could be attacked by hundreds of thousands of people and keep moving forward right like I talked to a lot of people in dms and everything like that and it's something that keeps coming but it keeps coming up people like Chris I don't know how you do it I don't know how you just keep making content and doing this stuff right it's because I'm a stubborn motherfucker right but I have all these topic ideas in my head and I want to start getting back to blogging too more and stuff but like one of them is like how many of you out there are living in fear of failure right you're afraid to fail right like maybe I can help you with that every time I upload a video it's a fucking failure to my eyes you know but how do I push through it maybe that's something I can help you with right um maybe you care way too much about what people think hell I'm human I still do too right what am I doing like how how am I managing you know to deal with all these shit comments that come in maybe I can help you care a little bit less about what other people think like I've been through so much shit in my life that maybe maybe I can help you with it and again that's one of the only reasons I am alive today is because I looked at other people I was like oh shit if they can do it I can do it too right and I want to start doing that again I want to start inspiring people again I want to start giving people hope everything like that I don't just want to share my own opinion I want to like I just don't want to share my opinion on a topic or controversy going on I want to see what the fuck we can learn from it all right so anyways part of the reason I made this video was just for my own accountability to get back on that track but to anybody who's been sticking around this long like not just this video but since I got canceled like again thank you for sticking with me and I want to apologize because like I was I was even thinking today but when I decided to make this video like a lot of the shit I've been making is not what you signed up for right like a lot of people like I used to get comments all the time like Chris every day you remind me to take care of my mental health and like that I fucking love that even if it was just one person saying that you know if I can remind one person like hey take care of your noggin today you know like that's dope shit you know so anybody who I've let down in that capacity I apologize and like just know if I do bring this stuff up what I'm going to try to do a better job of moving forward is making it more helpful for you like I used to you know what I mean like it's not just going to be my experience like I've had a rough time lately trying to figure out okay like how do you make this valuable to the audience you know what I mean like I've had trouble with that so I'm gonna work really really hard like you are giving me your time I want you to walk away with something of value want you to walk away and say okay maybe this will help me improve my relationships maybe this will help me not be so anxious or nervous maybe this will help me get out of my depressive funk maybe this will inspire me to go talk to a therapist maybe this will inspire me to go talk to a doctor about medications whatever the fuck it is you know what I mean like whatever it is I want my goal my mission every video after this is back to what it used to be where if you don't leave with something of value how about this I'll end this video with this because I'm babbling too long if you don't leave my video with something of value you fucking tell me you DM me you leave a comment whatever it is all right sometimes I might just have to help you find it in there because sometimes I cover it up with a bunch of shit but anyways like if I start straying off track like if if you don't know what the clear point of that video is so you take away something of value aside from my just like opinion on a topic call me out let me know all right but that is my promise to all of you like old chris is coming back it's going to piss some people off I really don't give a shit because I'm here to help you out whoever you are I love you and I'm here to help you out yeah that's all I got I'm at vid summit for the next couple days I might do a video tomorrow but yeah if you're not yet follow me on Twitter and Instagram like the pictures I just showed of Leon and Jarvis I'm posting stuff over on social media but yeah follow me over on there all right but anyways I love you all you are my rewired soldiers and yeah last thing I'll say last thing and I promise I'll let you go I'm going to I'm really going to start building this community again like the Facebook group the discord server the only reason I stopped those was because there was so much bullshit going on but I'm going to sit down and really think how we can rebuild that community and keep it safe and protected and just peer support and everything like that I'm going to do live streams again more because I love talking to you people answering questions and everything like that but yeah because right now I've just been kind of trying to answer dms as much as possible but um I don't know everything you may not have known that but I don't know everything so I do like groups and discussions because I would be like hey I don't know that shit but that person over there does all right so stay tuned a bunch of cool stuff happening uh thank y'all love y'all I'll see you soon