 Welcome back to the 21 convention 2020 of Orlando, Florida being held for the first time ever at the big bad-ass 21 summit Our next speaker is a glorious returning speaker to the 21 convention speaking for his first time last year at our 18th 21 convention in Orlando, Florida last fall He's also the world's most controversial dating coach and the world's leading expert on hypergamy Without further ado, please let me welcome back to the 21 convention stage Pat Steadman Unfortunately today, we're not going to be talking about hypergamy save that for another time Last speech I talked about the three pillars of attraction and the third pillar that I talked about was personality Now we didn't have a lot of time to go into it last speech because it's a very deep subject How do you deal with making a personality more healthy? But I wanted to spend some time about it today because it's something that I work on with a lot of clients And I wanted to talk about how to heal yourself as a man so One of the things that I see a ton For instance in the manasphere is this idea of Of self-improvement and where does self-improvement? There's this idea come from so You look around at people and I think everybody here can relate to this You have a voice in your head that we might call it the inner critic And it's this voice that I'll tell you. Oh, you know you fuck this up. You screwed this thing up This girl doesn't like you, you know, you're not jacked enough. You have it. You don't make enough money And a lot of guys when they're first starting off When they're in their teens or early 20s, this voice is very sort of subtle Or I wouldn't say subtle necessarily so much as they can't they don't think they can do anything about it So you have this critic and it's just kind of beats them down. They don't feel very good about themselves and They don't feel like they have any agency. They have this victim attitude And then something tends to happen for a lot of guys in their early 20s or maybe after a serious breakup or a job loss And they have this revelation all of a sudden where they feel like well actually maybe I can change my life Maybe I can improve and I think every guy here has certainly made that jump You wouldn't be at a convention like this that is all about becoming a better man If you didn't think that you could become a better man But there's a dark side to self-improvement that I've seen and it's this idea That you have to constantly Get to a certain point So you have this inner critic and what happens is when guys have this revelation is it's like another that That voice evolves and it says we're gonna become stronger. We're gonna become better We're not gonna allow ourselves to get pulled down We're not gonna be weak and you see this stuff all the time. I see it on Twitter. It's like you must declare Unceasing war against yourself Or you must kill the bitch within you and unfortunately That creates a lot of negative self-talk now The trap that guys have they don't like this way of being and some guys maybe plow through it some guys push through with this self-improvement and they make progress right and You know some guys make even more than others and and they just overpower this sort of weaker part of themselves But for a lot of guys, it's like two steps forward like 1.9 steps backward And it's just like slog and they know they can't go back to the way it was before they know They can't go back to this helpless position But it's so difficult it's still so difficult to move forward My perspective on this is that relatively speaking of course self-improvement is a positive Right, you don't want to be the guy who gives up on life But does it really have to be so hard in order for us to fix this we have to figure out where this critic came from right because guys who Go so far with their development like I've worked with guys multi-millionaires guys who have like Live the elite lifestyle. They're jack. They can date any girl they want They have multiple businesses and They're still not happy on a certain level. They still don't feel like they can get close to people So to do that we have to go back to the critics. So the topic today How to heal yourself as a man gonna get this marker off And there's gonna be three steps To healing yourself Now I recommend of course I think that you can go through this process a lot faster if you work with somebody But a lot of guys even if you do this on your own and you don't work with somebody it's important to Just be aware of it. So the first thing step number one is reconcile with your father reconcile with your father and Put boundaries on your mother so Why is this important With a critical voice Tends to come From our father. I'm not always exactly from our father It could come from other men in a life. It could come from a brother Could even come from your mother could come from being bullied for instance, right? I think that you know We have a very nuance of view on bullying here because on one hand we think you know guys Maybe need to get a little bit more tough in and up and I agree with that entirely but bullying is Not so much like a guy telling you to get be stronger. It's often an abusive dynamic And it can really like working with guys who have been bullied. It can really mess with your psyche for years And so wherever you got this but very often very often It's the father very often is the father and even if it did come from for instance the mother over Coddling on a fundamental level That's because the father was somehow Not bringing a healthy masculine energy and so very often you see with fathers you see that they're critical or abusive even Or they're Distant maybe they've been away from home on from work all the time so then you feel abandoned as a child Maybe they are just simply weak and they get walked over. There's a really really good movie I think people should see it just because it's a classic But it's actually like it has so many interesting themes in this and I was never expecting it when I saw it And that's rebel without a cause. This is James Dean and It's funny because it's like rebel without a cause and James Dean is phenomenal in it But it's not that he doesn't like he has a cause His cause is for him to have a different relationship with his father So to paint the picture of this family you have James Dean this rebellious teenager and then you have his father Who it is you have his father his mother and his grandmother and they all live together And his father is just constantly run over by his mother and his grandmother He's just like the most henpecked guy in the world and he's kind of a buffoon and there's a really like Poignant scenes like James Dean is so frustrated by this. He's so frustrated at how weak His father is there's a scene in it where he's like contemplating going out to going like drag racing and he's kind of on the edge Like this isn't a good thing. I know I shouldn't do it and His father he sees his father Here's a noise and he sees his father had come upstairs with this breakfast tray and he was bringing breakfast for his mother Now I don't think it's like a bad thing for you to ever bring, you know food for your wife Under any circumstances my wife is in the room, so she probably would agree with that But to understand the context of this relationship This is a guy who's People-pleasing right he's doing this because oh she's had you know She was complaining so he wants to try to make her feel better So he's gonna he's gonna bring her this food and so then he's gonna get the approval And to really like make this scene so powerful for the viewer they have the father dressed in this like 1950s Like housewife apron So he just looks like absurd and completely emasculated And so he's going up the stairs and he sort of like I guess he trips and he drops the breakfast on the floor and James Dean kind of catches him and they're and he's like you drop the breakfast and that they're kind of laughing about it But then the father's like Trying to clean it up. He's like I got to clean it up to make sure that they don't you know They don't see it before they notice and James Dean is like leave it there Let him see it dad let him see it and this is the theme throughout the movie, right? His mother is telling him at one point not to tell the truth When his father had told him to tell the truth and he tells his father to stand up for him And his father won't do it things don't get better in a certain. So I'm not gonna there's a lot more to the movie so you still see it but Things don't really resolve the pain that James Dean feels doesn't really resolve until his father at the end says Stand up son. I'll stand up with you. I'll be as strong as you need me to be So this this issue with our fathers, it's really really powerful and Even if we have issues with our mother it always seems to come back to our father in some way because he didn't have a Constraining influence on that Elliot was talking earlier yesterday about the the dark mother, right? This is this is what happens a dark mother expands When the father is not there So we have to talk to our fathers because this critical voice that we have is a distillation of our father even if it's not exactly his voice even if it's a voice that we Cultivated on our own as some degree of a you know projection of our emotions at the time By healing our relationship with the father we heal our relationship With masculinity in with being a man that's not distorted Now, how do you go about doing this? Well first off you have to I mean There's a range of experiences guys have with their father sometimes the wound like the father was pretty good Right, even a very good father can still wound a child in some way with a comment so sometimes it's a lot worse but Regardless of the degree of this especially when you're a man Understand that if your father has done things that have hurt you he hasn't been perfect, right a lot of this comes from his own wounds You know the issues I had with my father my father was pretty much left by his parents You know they were socialites So he was left all the time with a nanny like create his own imaginary world And there's a dissociation that children will experience and so when he was more distant to me It was had a hard time getting close to me Well, I have to understand that Okay, yeah, you didn't give me this and this hurt when I was a kid, but at the same time Like I have to understand that this is something that you got passed down to and nobody did nobody dealt with it with you And so you're just that's these generational cycles of trauma What you'll find is that in the vast majority of cases the father like wants to have this conversation He just doesn't know how to do it Because he wasn't he didn't grow up with the emotional range to express it especially as he gets older Because you have these situations where you know the mother maybe bonds more with you And so in a certain sense he gets pushed to the side so he has all sorts of complicated feelings He doesn't know how to express So you go into the conversation With an enormous amount of like love and compassion But you you do put the question to him like why did you know why did you do this? Why do you do these things like? This is how it made me feel And what you'll find is that he has a lot of emotions too usually and that he welcomes this and there's a big There's a big reconciliation here, and it's and it clears you out so much This is very very important now if your father's not in the picture anymore Some people's fathers have died some people never knew their fathers Some people you know their fathers just that it's they really don't think that there's based on the dynamic that there's any real attempt to even communicate and in these cases it's obviously not ideal, but you can still go through some of this work I really recommend you write write them a letter write them something that puts out all these emotions out there And of course you don't have to send it But to do on your own time this sort of process of forgiving and Reconciling now at the same time as this This conversation with your father has to occur really in private and certainly away from your mother certainly away from other women Because one of the big issues here is that you know we were We were supposed to move as men we were supposed to move like in our early teens You were supposed to move from our mother's house so to speak to our father's house And a lot of different cultures throughout the the world have had rituals like this where the children would be taken away From their mother and we may look at it as being Extreme by modern standards and maybe it isn't the correct way to go about doing it in some sense Maybe but there's something definitely to be said about the fact that we have never been able to move Boys into this relationship with other men So we're trying to do some work by dealing with our father later on in life and by putting up more boundaries in general with our mother It not only helps us to move more towards our father Which we should have been doing already but better late than never but it's also very very important as an aside for your relationships because if you're in a situation where You know you're trying to get serious with a woman But your mother is still super involved in the picture and you're bonding more with your mother than your wife I mean this is how a lot of very distorted Generational cycles can occur with intimacy like you see this happen a lot for instance in in India Where you have the mother moves in with the new couple and the son is with the mother basically the entire time and The mother oppresses the wife and then their marriage isn't so good And then when the mother dies the wife does that with the new son and just kind of creates this this real dissatisfaction So we I mean that's more of an extreme example happens more and more in the West as well So what happens after we we deal with the father we do this reconciliation with the father well There will be a big release because somebody that you really cared about and always wanted to connect with Now you have the opportunity to do that and you can start to build a relationship that maybe got neglected and When you also get a better idea of how to parent yourself We talked about this inner critic and we talked about how the critic responds, right? We talked about how the critic responds to To us so this is where we're going to get a little bit weird here. Okay, because the next point here is about Parenting the inner child Parenting the inner child like it needed So what does this mean? We can say that the critic is Is a voice right, but who is the critic talking to the critic is talking to something else and The critic is I mean effectively talking to a child, right? This is this is what we would call your inner child so this gets weird because now we start to talk about sub personalities and And and you know when we talk about personality health Really what we're talking about is a healthy relationship between these different sub personalities that we have now You could get really specific and you could try to like Find a lot of micro ones and and as far as my experience with this goes You know, obviously there are certain mental illnesses multiple personality disorder where people actually embody these sub personalities temporarily Or they create them due to various traumas But I don't know if you guys have read any of Eckhart Tolle's work But one of the things he talks about in a new earth is he talks about how he saw this Crazy person talking to himself on the sidewalk. I mean live in New York City. So you see that quite a bit and This is somebody who's you know, maybe has schizophrenia or something They're talking to themselves and he was saying that this other person's crazy But then he realized himself that he was doing the same thing So it's very common for us to have this sort of parent child dynamic internally When you reconcile things with the father the parent actually eases up a bit because you start to think like Because you actually in some sense become the father to your father and so then you're able to You know not be so abusive so to speak to that inner child But the problem here is that Okay, this is a big this is a big step forward and maybe the parent does a bit of a better job But the child still has a lot of internal pain And so what a lot of guys do is they reconcile this and so they they no longer are beating themselves up But they're still like okay kid, you know, but let's now we're gonna go forward We don't really need to worry about you anymore because I'm not gonna I'm not gonna attack anymore. We're good Whereas the kid still feels like crap And this is something that's really important because if any of you have ever had a situation where you started to get anxious You didn't know why right or you you procrastinated a lot You didn't know why you were procrastinating you would set self sabotage even if you really were like This is a really important thing for me to do. I really want this project finished It's gonna be making really good money, but then you find yourself like Like fucking around on YouTube or something. You're like, why am I doing this? Okay? Why am I doing this? Well, what's going on is the inner child's like Hey, what's going on here? Like you haven't been paying attention to me Like you're putting too much pressure on me like I'm scared. I'm I'm not feeling great And so the anxiety we feel because what is procrastination and this is the whole thing like I think discipline is great But if you have to be constantly Disciplined in everything you do that moves your life forward like discipline is a tactical thing Like okay, there's a little bit extra pressure. I'm gonna push through this Discipline is not like I got to be disciplined and get up That's you know the right time in the morning. I got to be disciplined and go to work I got to be disciplined and go to the gym like this is a not a discipline issue This is an issue with internal alignment And so you have this child gets upset it has these little tantrums And a lot of people what they would do before this step is they'd usually that's when they'd attack themselves And then they redirect energy internally and they actually can't do stuff All procrastination is is an anxiety response That's it It's distraction you want to distract yourself from something because you feel anxious And so the issue isn't like you know Set the 20-minute timer. I mean maybe you can do that but The fundamental issue is like what's going on that you are feeling that anxiety And so for a lot of people with this inner child And I'm gonna be doing a workshop after lunch today And if you guys it's kind of a weird exercise, but if guys have some issues with this We're gonna be going into Some like how to get in touch with that inner child because there's some interesting sort of there's interesting process, but Creating this dialogue and checking in like what's going on with this kid? How's this kid feeling? Very often what you see happen here is that it's not getting a break kid doesn't get a break from you at all Tons and tons of pressure on this kid And so when we don't relax, you know, there's this I was hearing something in a Telegram chat this morning this guy was talking about his his friend who works this like really like you know It's not a very good IT job and he's in front of a screen all day long and what happens is he comes back from the job He feels like crap and then he goes in plays video games on his phone for five hours And this is a really like common thing that regular people do and guys in this room Would be like well, I'm not doing that because this is you know self-improvement, right? We know it's not good to do that But at the same time like what like that guy is Relaxing he's not relaxing All this distraction stuff. It's him trying to not focus on his need in the inner child has a lot of needs Sometimes they're very simple sometimes they're like play with me, right? Let's go do something fun Like let's just not feel like we have to do anything Or maybe it's a boundary issue right a lot of the nice guy stuff comes from the inner child's wounds Where the inner child's like oh well, I have to you know It thinks that you have to caretake and you have to be if to do whatever like a woman says or whatever If you're gonna be able to get your needs met So it decides not to even think about its needs Let's like tune them out a lot of guys do that they tune out their needs entirely and the needs are the inner child so Some of the things that you can do with that is just really pay attention to it There's a mentor that I had Alex Allman, and I started working with him. It's kind of like he's brilliant I mean he's a relationship intimacy coach and he's been around for like 15 years or something and I Like I had known about him since I even got started on this journey It was like 20 years old in college watching his videos in my dorm room And so it was really cool like two years back when I started to work with him and like a mentor capacity And I was doing it because I wanted to you know Seal up some stuff within my relationship But it was interesting that the conversation I had with him that was actually the most impactful had to do with this concept of of laziness and productivity And I was talking to him. I said you know this was about First two years of my business, you know, I I was just self-sabotaging so much. It was out of control because in the past I would have You know, I would have the fact that okay, there's a deadline right if I didn't finish this paper I get an F and then You know, I wouldn't be good enough and then so I'm gonna finish the paper Even if I have to stay up all night and then the same thing repeat itself when I had my corporate job And they had to do some report Okay, I was put off put it off. It's like all right. I got a pull an all-nighter and stay at the office But when I started my own business, there's no boss now. It was just me And so I had all these problems with productivity. I try to I try to work and I would most days I wouldn't get anything done at all. I just kind of get to a spiral I go distract myself. There was so much like anxiety with him I didn't realize so I was talking to him about this this point things had gotten a little bit better but it was still pretty rough it was still pretty rough and I said, you know, how did you really become productive in everything? He's like, well, what do you mean? It was like, well, what did you do to like really help to build up your business and you know, I've been struggling with with productivity and You know, how did you stop being lazy? He said, well, I didn't stop being lazy. I said I'm lazy I'm like, what do you mean you're lazy This is like a guy who's famous multi-millionaire who has a very similar kind of mindset towards coaching that I do So, you know, you have some guy who's like a Pothead who's like chum on the couch and he says like, yeah, man, that's cool being lazy. It's kind of like, all right cool But when you have a guy like that who's got a beautiful wife got an incredible life Wealthy and he tells you yeah, I'm lazy It's like, okay, I'm listening here. So he asked me said, what is something what's the time that you felt proud of yourself? And so I was thinking to myself. I was like Must have been the freshman year in college so long story short basically my whole family was Ivy League Dartmouth and I my freshman sophomore year in high school I didn't do too well in a couple of classes did well my SATs pulled my pulled it together end of high school But you know my GPA had kind of dropped a bit and I was like I was gonna I was not gonna get into the school I was worried about that and I didn't get in and it was devastating for me I mean it seems silly in hindsight to think like I didn't get into a college big deal But emotionally for me at that time it was an association with my father And so for me to not get into the school was for me to not be good enough and it sort of confirmed Like I had had for like 11 years or so this contract with myself that if you get in then you're gonna be good enough for him and Then I didn't get in and it was like Nothing matters now And so I go to a great school freshman year, but I but I didn't care about the school I was like, you know fuck the school because I was like it's like I'm not good enough the school is not good enough like we're all not good enough here, right? It was this sort of thing and Then something happened, so I was Was in a relationship and my girlfriend was going to be applying to you pen and I had not really thought of myself as going to a city school But I was thinking like well, you know my issue was my first two years in high school So if I do really well my my freshman year in college I'll be able to get into that school. Maybe I can get in and You know you pens and Ivy League. It's even better than Dartmouth, you know, then I'll really be I'll be able to fix all this and I'll be able to stay with my high school girlfriend So I got in I mean we broke up before the school started, but I Got in and so I told him I said, you know, this was this is when I was most proud of myself Yeah, I worked. I had almost no friends that year. I just worked constantly at school to try to really make sure my grades were incredible and You know, I was really like I like probably never been more depressed like I'd have these I Wasn't suicidal, but I'd have these sort of You know, I'd think to myself like I just want to wander off in the woods with nobody can find me It's like kind of like close to that And he said you realize that you just said that the time you were most proud of yourself is When you were like borderline suicidal, it's like man, this is like a kind of weird belief here That I'm only actually good enough if I'm doing things that are That like don't make my inner child feel good It's like every single thing Okay, like inner child shuts up and doesn't get in the way Then things are good and this is the problem like you know guys who do the self-improvement thing They think they can kill this part of their personality and they can't You can't bully Or overpower the inner child you can like stuff them in a closet and then he'll like Rattle on the closet door eventually So all you can do is heal it so you heal the inner child you start to pay attention to it You start to prioritize the inner child over other people. This is boundaries by the way boundaries is basically you're taking consideration of your needs before other people's and it's important because if the inner child is Not getting its needs met then you're not able to actually perform the crazy thing is after I took Alex's advice and I've continued to You know push that further over time when I say push that further. I mean take more time off My productivity has gone up dramatically. I went from struggling to get stuff done like three days a week To being able to easily work six So it was kind of like funny this paradox of like okay, I'm gonna be lazy Which actually just made me a more hard worker because I was finally taking into consideration my emotional needs Which brings us to point number three. I have to use the red marker again because apparently Blue doesn't show very well So things are much better now because now you're listening to this child But there's a little there's still one more issue here Right and this is something that a lot of guys have a hard time with they're like well this child is still How long is this child gonna have its needs for how much am I gonna have to like constantly stop and check in with this? And this is where a lot of therapy and like New Age work stops They just kind of consider this child is always going to be something that you need to just Deal with and to an extent. They're right to an extent. They're right because you know it is a part of you and Initially things are gonna be tough resolving resolving the issues are gonna be tough because you have to think of it like it's a relationship This is a relationship that you've like you've done a very bad job maintaining this relationship for like a decade or more And so you're gonna have to take some time and rebuilding the trust Then you can negotiate a little bit more with this child saying hey, we're gonna go out and play But today we have to really work. Okay, you just got to deal with these like alright I trust you whereas initially is kind of like screw that you never do that you never play right? But the child doesn't really want to stay a child like this is the whole thing when it comes to Personality work like you have these sub personalities, but ultimately what you want. I mean if you look listen to people You know trying to get quiet minds. I mean you can meditate you can meditate But if you don't do this work, it just pops up again. You have to do the healing Ultimately what you want that when you want that alignment that alignment is that the inner child is more integrated with the rest Of your personality and so how do you do that so it doesn't just stay a child that? Constantly is tugging on your leg You have to initiate the child which basically means to turn them into a man a lot of the Masculinity work that people guys do their issue is that they skip these early steps And so they're like it's got to be tough. We got to do these things and so the child is Doing some of this stuff acting like a man, but doesn't really feel like It belongs in a certain sense. It doesn't have a you don't have a good relationship with it Whereas contrast with more like New Age healing stuff. They stop here they really don't understand this part because This is a really important thing for men in particular men have lost their initiation we talked about how men when they were in their early teens used to be taken and Educated so to speak they would go on a process from the older men in the community Where they would basically turn into a to a man They'd test themselves Today we don't really have that You don't really have that anymore a lot of those rituals disappeared in the Middle Ages and then since the industrial revolution Fathers have been completely taken away from their sons more and more as Less less and less people farmed in America up until 1910. You still had 90% of people worked on farms contrast that by the 1950s Is it any wonder that there is a revolution that got tired of all the you know people romanticized the 1950s, but There is a lot of stuff going on beneath the surface That led to it in addition to all the psi-op stuff that we've talked about which I 100% agree with So what do we do with this child? now part of it is finding other mentors and coaches people who can act as You know as Robert Bly iron John would talk about as the sacred king someone who could do the work that the father couldn't do To help to move them in that direction and that's 100% Helpful and usually they play certain roles in that journey and speed up the process dramatically But I think that you also need to go to the place where all initiations happened all initiations throughout history always happened in the same environment the wilderness nature Teaches a man how to be a man You're not distracted by other things out there You may have to fend for yourself. You have to deal with the elements you have to deal with potential dangers some animals bears whatever especially when you go out to real serious wildernesses and what happens in this journey is You and the child are together And you can take that child and you start to pull it through the process. You're working together to accomplish a goal Now I'm gonna be fully honest here I'm still experimenting a lot with this area Because there's not a there's not a lot of Benchmarks or guides to show us how to do it, but last week I tried something different So I went on a 80 mile trek in the Appalachians for a week and I didn't eat Is that about a hundred fifty two hour fast by the end of it and the purpose of this was to put me through mental and physical and spiritual conditions That maybe there'd be some sort of initiation that would come out of it I'll be right about that in more depth, but You know, I don't know how many of you guys have fasted fast things very I mean I lost 10 pounds guess great, but it's it's it's a very like powerful experience from a spiritual perspective you lose a lot of energy especially going uphill the second day of that trip was very Very rough because your body has to transition But after that you get this incredible clear headedness I mean physically it's still you're going about half as fast as you would go normally But you start to get really clear headed in the rest of the world starts to fade away And one of the things that that I noticed in here Was that I started to lean have more more and more heavily on The highest father I suppose you could say and I started to feel a sense of initiation that was coming from above that I was getting guidance I was getting support. I don't know if this is going to be everybody's path but Going out in the wilderness in testing yourself I mean it was cold all the time. You know, you're you're hungry. You're tired But you feel it's hard to feel unified and since I've come back. I'm still in this processing Because a lot of the the child part doesn't feel so much like a child anymore It feels more like a teenager Like it's gone through something and it doesn't want to act like a child now This is not a single process is not like a single event. You have to continue to reiterate this But I think for a lot of you guys that are struggling to fully get past all Of this sort of you know internal dynamics really recommend you go out of nature and test yourself so putting this all together what is What is like real self-improvement self-improvement? That's Like healthy and you know wholesome good for guys because we can say that remember self-improvement in The context of being a victim is a step in the right direction But at a certain point you realize that you know of me watching these other accounts and they're talking about this You know, they're talking about they're like Playboy lifestyle or they're talking about you know making you know seven figures on some e-com thing Eventually like a lot of guys if they don't have their direction They can get pulled in all these different that you can put all these different directions and they feel like they can lose themselves What you start to realize as you get down this process more and more It's it's not about addition. It's about subtraction That you guys have each of you have your own incredible journey ahead of you And you really lose out in the end when you focus on somebody else's journey When you see that somebody's doing this and that maybe I could do that This is part of the busy mind There's real serious clarity underneath it all in the more stuff you begin to remove The more the path becomes clear And it's and it's an incredible adventure So if there's anything I can leave you guys with today It's this idea of taking what resonates and leaving the rest Right now you're at a conference. You're being exposed to ideas. This is a period of openness And you guys are receiving once this is done Let it marinate and see what resonates keep that and discard the rest of it. That's how you become a true man Thank you Happy to take some questions if anybody has questions Thank you Pat. That was a great talk I think the necessity of inner transformation for men and initiation isn't talked about enough And just to speak to that point. I do have a question but just to speak to that point There's an organization called the mankind project that runs a weekend called the new warrior training adventure They run it's a men's initiation 48 hours. I attended that in 2013 and that was the beginning of my journey through masculinity It's an incredibly powerful experience and I highly recommend it to every man in this room And I think they'll begin running if they've initiated 70,000 men around the world And all all different countries in Europe and Australia and Mexico and all these different places So I highly recommend every man in the room. Check it out. It's it's a great experience for men That's awesome. Thank you for sharing that you're welcome Well, I have great respect for your own Initiation that 80 mile hike while fasting, you know, I fasted for for 10 days before and I wasn't hiking I wasn't doing anything, but I couldn't imagine like doing an 80 mile mile hike. So major respect for that Speak I was wondering if you could speak more you said procrastination is an anxiety response and you said that your mentor said that he was also lazy I wonder if you could elaborate a little bit on how laziness showed up for him Was he actually being lazy or was he just reframing the idea in a way for you? That's a really good question. I don't know what he was doing, but over time I've sort of reframed it myself because Really what laziness means to me in this context we live in like a workaholic culture I mean, it's kind of like I get really tired of seeing it online or it's like Hustle 16 hours. It's like, all right, you know, there's periods where you can do that stuff, but It takes a toll. I mean, I've never met a guy who does that continually that There's very few exemptions maybe Donald Trump, right, but pretty much like every guy Who's who has to work like that over a period of time they get a burnout Right. It doesn't does not Does not end well for them So in the context of what my my mentor was saying I think he was really talking about like Knowing when the take breaks and not feeling like you have to work There's really something to be said for the power of boredom So kind of like a little hack when it comes to dealing with procrastination Um, and I think it's this tactical I would try to expand it to a broader part of life It was one of the benefits of this sort of initiation process because there's no dopamine, right? You're not getting any dopamine out there Is allowing yourself to be bored Like what happens is that we start to feel this tension inside of us like And it's usually anxiety about something we have to do and then our mind will flip like Oh, I meant to check out this video Oh, I wonder what's you know Going on over here And in our mind just flies over there immediately So part of it has to do with us not being able to deal with tension in our body But then there's also this point like well We don't rest We don't rest Just sitting there and doing nothing Like before this speech I sat down. I did nothing for an hour Just like sat on my bed like quasi meditating Just let the mind chill out. I do that more and more and since the trip I'm really like doing it more regularly because I can see how I get pulled in To okay social media or this thing So when you when you relax more your nervous system starts to I mean just even talking physiologically not having to go into the depth stuff Your nervous system starts to To relax and and then you're able to actually produce more people talk about this like You can get more done in four to five hours in a day if you're really focused Then you can like just fucking around for 12 Any other questions? Awesome Thank you guys