 Thank you so much, I hope we're able to do it just this time, thank you. Read the words, read the words, that's all it is. Hello, welcome back. I hope you had a nice little break and you got a chance to talk to everybody and mingle a little bit. So I'm here to welcome us back and introduce our next event. So we're going to get started right now with a stage reading of Escobar's Hippo by Frankie Gonzalez, directed by Sorani Gutierrez. And let me just say that I had the privilege of reading this script, and I just laughed so hard when I was reading it, I even cried when I read it, so I'm very, very excited to see it. And yeah, without further ado, let's enjoy. Escobar's Hippo by Frankie Di Gonzalez. Sin one, un Hippo con leche. At rise, a café in a Colombian town along the Magdalena River, hot, oppressive, always humid, overcast. Juan sits sipping a café con leche, looking over a script. He's dressed casually in a light button-up in shorts. Dalia, the waitress, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, enters with some arepas and butter and sets them on the table. Dalia exits. Juan checks his watch and thumbs through the script. A loud grunt from offstage. Juan looks around to see where the noise came from. But none of those enters. Disheviled, pants frayed, his shirt colors faded, hair unkempt. Seven times in my friendship, you know. Dramatic. You asked me. No, no, no. You begged me to read your script and show up here in the morning to discuss it. How you wake up early to spend the day with your friend to talk about literature. Oh, oh, oh, how you suffer such a dignity. You're over 30 minutes late for this meeting that you called the most important meeting of our lives. The most important meeting of our lifetimes. I'm just, I'm just helping you build anticipation and gather your thoughts. Oh yeah, cut the bullshit, Bernardo. You just admit that, just admit it and take responsibility like a man. I was late. I was late because of who I am as a human being. I cannot get my shit together. And you want, you, you are the superior human being. At last, we agree on something. Put it on there, please. Oh, by all means. Do you want to get some coffee first? Oh, fuck you. That is a reasonable question. After all, we are at a cafe. I'll pass on the coffee. Why? They burnt their coffee here. There are literally five cafes closer to where I live. And you had me come to this place 45 minutes away. You don't even like the coffee here? The atmosphere is not. The atmosphere is not worth 45 minutes, okay? But good coffee is? Yes, you idiot. Commute for the best coffee that you've ever had. I cannot absolutely cannot justify it for atmosphere. To charming cafe. Burned coffee notwithstanding. This is a lovely establishment with, uh, with character. Why are we here? I told you. Bullshit. Bullshit! Bullshit! Why are we here? Yes, yes. Yes, everything is okay. Just talking to my friend, you know. Oh, my God. Oh, you know, just being at home, writing, uh, writing my new play. Juan here is a big fan. He just had to meet me after reading it. It's, uh, it's, you know, it's a, it's a romantic drama. I'm trying to find the lead actress. You know anyone? Jesus Christ. What about you? You ever consider being an actress? Wow. Oh, God. It's Dahlia's worst nightmare, that customer. Dahlia plays it off with a little laugh. Serious. Oh, yeah, of course you are. Maybe you and I can, uh, meet up sometime and see if there's chemistry there. A series of very loud and close grunts and snorts interrupts Bernardo's really bad seduction. Dahlia goes to investigate and get away from Bernardo. Juan is staring daggers into Bernardo. Um, so, uh, what did you, uh, what did you think of the script? The script is stupid! Okay? It's trite. It's, it's derivative garbage. Whoever told you that you should be a writer should be executed by hanging. Nah, nah, nah. By firing squad. No, guillotine! No, burnt alive with your garbage script fueling the flames! Yeah, and if you ever fucking waste my time ever again with your fucking script and your burnt ass cafe and overpriced arepas, I will personally make sure that you never... No! Dahlia rushes back in. This is Escobar's hippo. It is mighty. It is massive. It is monstrous. Juan jumps out of his seat and sits in shock and backs away while Bernardo sits frozen in his chair. No way! Juan throws an arepa and Escobar's hippo. This greatly offends the hippo. Escobar's hippo exits. Seen to the hippopotamus in the room. An assembly hall. A chorus of townspeople mill about getting into their seats and talking. I thought this was for the... I saw footprints heading in the direction of the store. There are other creatures. What would you call them? Hippos don't have hooves. How do you know? We're losing the subject. Are there other creatures besides the hippo in town? What makes you think there are other creatures? If you ask me, they have feet. Nonsense. As opposed to hooves? Are there other creatures we need to prepare for or not? I think hippos have webbed toes. Does that mean they have claws? Claws? Or not that Juan and Dahlia enter. They take their seats near the back and watch the chaos unfold. I think you can have both. What the hell are you talking about? No clue. I've always wondered if the difference between a hippo and a rhino is that hippos swim while rhinos stay on land. Otherwise, they're the same creature. Like frogs and toads. Hippos and rhinos are not like frogs and toads. A plague of frogs and toads? Rhinos? Is this a zoological invasion? Wait. I thought we were here to debate the merits of opening the assembly hall to weekly meditation classes. That was rescheduled. Then what are we doing here? We're here to discuss the hippo. And the rhinos, the toads, the ducks, and the frogs. I'm a... I'm sorry, what? No. Just the hippo. Well, however many animals, we need to deal with it. I thought we were talking theoretically. There's an actual hippo? I have no idea. The entire assembly hall shakes. No rhino! How do you know that? The whole track's heading to the store. Then why are we... No earthly idea. The mayor struggles into the assembly hall, pulling on a cravat. Eskimar's hippo appears, waging a mighty tug of war with the mayor for the lie and share of the cravat. The townspeople panic. Eskimar's hippo, Juan pulls out an arapa from his pocket. He picks it up and throws the arapa at Eskimar's hippo. Go away! This greatly abides the hippo again. Eskimar's hippo, let's go with the cravat and leaves. Pull the back muscle. I think that was a hippo. You only wanted to know about that hippo? Just me? The mayor has sunk to his knees, pulling the shredded cravat, mourning the loss of said cravat. Juan exits in the direction of the hippo. A few moments later, Juan returns. There's a man outside. I think he's dead. What? Bernardo exits with Juan to investigate. They return a moment later. Apple! He was just trampled. He sacrificed himself to protect me. I'm about to see a cardigan next to his body. What? I don't know. The mayor rushes out. We're in the loss of a man-servant. The mayor returns with what used to be a really, really fetching cardigan. We must begin our meeting. We must show that our glorious civilization is resilient against the peace-deal tides of nature. We must show the murderer and butcher of those things precious to us. We are not easily felled by intrusions and audacity. We must come together, unite by our common cause to bring this destroyer of what we hold precious to justice. It's for the dead! For my cardigan in crevat! I mean, a man-servant, his name was cardigan crevat. A tragic loss. Another child, I shall name that baby cardigan crevat in his honor. Order! Order! We must act quickly before we are to overcome this crisis. As in any criminal investigation, we must establish a pathology and overall profiler. What do we know about our enemy? It's a fucking hippo. A rampaging hippo. Query! Acknowledged. The hell's the difference to a hippo? It just frolicked a man to death. Again, what is the difference? Question. Acknowledged. Do we know where the hippo- So, it's a foreign invader violating our national sovereignty. Are we sure it's a foreigner? What do you mean? My grandfather worked on Pablo Escobar's farm, I see, in Nanapolis years ago. Escobar bought many animals from Africa. After he was killed, the government, well, they retrieved all the animals, but they wouldn't take those four hippos that he left behind. Why not? I'm not certain. Are you telling me that our government refused to remove this invasive predator? Or is the government unable to remove the hippos? Explain. Well, it's clear that our government was able to arrest, detain, and deport other animals to their countries of origin. Why not these hippos? Because the hippos would try to kill anyone that comes near. Or did Escobar secure the correct documentation and paperwork to bring the hippos here and establish them as nationalized citizens of Colombia? Can hippos become Colombian citizens? If the hippo has proper documentation, I suppose it's possible. Acknowledged. Could their citizenship be revoked on grounds of being a public menace? Could your citizenship be revoked for being a public menace? Of course not. I was born in Colombia. I have no other nation of origin. Question. Acknowledged. What is it? That's absurd. Hippos aren't from Colombia. Point of order! That's xenophobic! How dare you insinuate I'm a xenophobe! You said you... Trapped my statement and asked all accusations of xenophobia to be stricken from the record. Well, the record keeper was frolicked or rampaged on by the hippos. Acknowledged. That hippo is a natural citizen and that we have no right to support it from this country. But surely we can arrest the hippo, yeah? Can we? But can't you obtain naturalized citizenship after living in the country for five years? But you have to pass the test. How would a hippo pass this test? That's a legitimate question. If this hippo has met the requisite five-year requirement living here, as it has, is it our civic duty to offer this hippo the chance at Colombian citizenship and then minister the test? It's only fair! How do we know if it qualifies or has already taken the test? Well, I... So, wait, so what we need to figure out is if this hippo is either an undocumented immigrant, a naturalized citizen, or a Colombian by birth. Does this mean that there is a brand new species of hippo? A Colombian hippo? Could that potentially mean that this makes that hippo a national treasure? I wouldn't go that far. But it certainly makes it one of us. Query! You don't have to keep saying query. This new species of hippo... Maybe endangered? Do we have conservation laws in place for the Colombian hippo? I... Well, still, we haven't answered the question of whether it is Colombian. How will we even know? Do you think there are any records? Question! We don't need to keep doing that! I mean, it stands to reason it would be that Siena Napoles would excavate first breath in the hippos. Isn't it? That means we need to contact Siena Napoles for the records. Ah, depending. It's practically a ruin. Wait, we're over-complicating this. Why not just ask the hippo directly for its citizenship, the status? And who in the right mind is going to go up to a hippo and ask for its papers? We need to get back on track. As I see things, we need to establish several committees, task force, and gather at aiming information and preparing ourselves for all eventualities, regardless of what they are, whether it's a resident pest or a potential compatriot. Point of order! Fine, fine, fine, fine, strike it from the record. Now, as I see it, we need a task force for the eventuality of capture and deportation of the hippo. Should it prove to be an undocumented immigrant first overlooked by our government in the original raids of Siena Napoles? Agreed? Next! Ignored! Begrudgingly, I acknowledge that this is a query that needs answering. I propose that we form a council to select a committee from a pool of worthy candidates for a committee and task force. Question! Please stop. Simple. We get qualified individuals to lead this task force. Has anyone lived in close proximity to hippos or either African or Colombian? I live near the Siena Napoles when I visited my grandfather. You! You are now the head of various councils, committees, task force, and all other such bodies which will decide all questions surrounding our hippo issue. What? There's going to be a lot of paperwork involved, some of which this hippo will have to sign. Can a hippo sign anything? Poor dear, it has no hands. No, no, no. Several animals have survived fine just without hands. But this is a potential Colombian citizen. We need to make sure it can sign documents. Would a stamp of its hoof print work? Point of order re-established as hippos have feet. Does it really matter? I still think they're paused. We'll get a stamp and drop the subject. Who more? Now, who amongst us will volunteer to go to the hot end and try to retrieve the hippo's birth records? I'll go with you. You may need protection. That's a good idea. No, no, no. The idea of traveling in pairs means you can cover more ground. All in favor? Aye. Aye. So it is. So it shall be. Go forth, you two. I volunteer who want to speak with the hippo. That's an idea. What is happening? Go then, our bravest and finest, most learned citizen. You risk your life. Know that your community also risks everything by risking your precious life. Yes, come on. The hippo has returned. Meeting adjourned. Godspeed. You all have your task. The townspeople panic and flee. The mayor ties the remnants of the cravat around his neck and exits. Juan Dali and Bernardo remain. I should stay and keep an eye on things here and try to interrogate the hippo. Let's meet tomorrow at the cafe and we'll share notes, OK? Yes, yes. Good idea, Juan. Good idea. Come on. We gotta go get those papers. Shit. Bernardo takes Dali's hand and they exit. Juan is left alone. Wait. How the fuck do you talk to a hippo? Blackout. Scene three. Call of the hippo. Juan follows a trail along the river holding a lunchbox full of adipacin. Send Juan. Juan has no self-respect. Send the only responsible adult. Of course, that makes sense. What am I doing? Why am I doing this? Why did I agree? Bernardo? So that he could have a shop with a waitress with some woman who doesn't even know her name. For the greater good? It's for the greater good? Find a hippo and ask if he could hoof print something or pop print or sign and verify its citizenship. What am I actually doing? This is absurd. Menacing laugh and rumbling. A brown mist fills the stage. Juan wretches. A sound like a weed eater fills the air. Something brown is flung at Juan who dodges or gets hit. Depends on the night. Oh my God. This is so disgusting. Oh no. No. Escobar's hippo enters. Backside first. Tail spinning and flinging solid excrement and turning more watery excrement into a mist with its rotating tail. As we see its head it has the look of supreme joy as it releases the contents of its vowels. Escobar's hippo looks around not knowing where that noise came from. Was that God? What is God? Was that a fart sound? If so, the hippo has yet to hear such a thing before. Can it be done again? This is too much thinking. The hippo snorts and shakes its head prayerishing all thoughts. Over here you stupid beast. The hippo realizes that the noise is coming from behind. The hippo churns and sees Juan. The offensive one with the arepas. You... You... have cost nothing but mess after mess ever since you came into this town. You... need to leave. Look what you've done. You destroyed people. You killed people. The hippo considers Juan for a moment before deciding that Juan is no true threat. The hippo rolls over on its back and spreads its legs. The hippo just loves the way the afternoon sun kisses its nethers. What are you doing? I'm trying to confront you here. Why are you asleep? I'm confronting you. Juan goes into his lunchbox and pulls out an arepa and hurls it at the hippo. The hippo's eyes snap open. The hippo turns over on all fours and stares at Juan. The hippo is greatly offended once again. I'm just... I'm here to... Are you a Colombian citizen, Jim? A citizen? Hey, were you born here or were you born... No, no, no, hold on, hold on. Juan begins to back away slowly as the hippo continues to laugh. The hippo suddenly rushes at Juan with frightening speed. Juan jumps out of the way. The hippo turns around and shakes his head No, no, no. Juan reaches for his lunchbox and pulls out another arepa. The hippo stops eyeing Juan with anger and disgust but not moving. You're going to stop right there or I'll use this. The hippo sniffs the air. The hippo raises its mighty head and opens its mouth. A long roar held in a single hypnotic note. Juan drops the arepa and covers his ears. The hippo stops and stares at Juan. Juan stares back defiantly slowly lowering his hands. The hippo begins to stomp rhythmically and grunt chant. The air is still more stomping and grunt chant. The lights begin to fade as the noise is multiplying. Juan looks around. How is this? How is this happening? The hippo charges at Juan. Juan can react. The hippo is the remnants of the man. The ruin of Hacienda Napoles, a once beautiful compound and getaway for Paulo Escobar now decayed by time, nature and general disrepair. It is twilight. In the distance we hear rampaging or cavorting hippos drawing closer as the scene progresses. Bernardo and Dalia sit together exhausted. Why didn't the government take care of the hippos? Because they're hippos. What does that even mean? Well, because they're big, dumb animals, not worth paying attention to. Plus, they live and the water is difficult to capture animals like that. Then why not just kill them? Because they're living beings. They deserve to live. But they have no natural predators in Colombia. And that's their fault? So we risk our lives because it's not their fault that they have no natural predator in a place they do not belong? They deserve a chance to coexist with us. These everywhere and destroying what they were doing on the way here? Maybe that's just their way. Why are you defending them? I am not defending them. I'm just curious about why they are the way they are. The way is ruction. If they destroy our creations, shouldn't we try to do all we can to stop them? If there is a peaceful way to do that, then sure. He wants to destroy things. Do you think all hippos are like that? Destroyers? How are you suggesting we reason with them? If we can, you don't seem to separate it from Escobar. Ment of the man. So we treat the remnant like we treated the man? You prefer trying to reason with a brute beast that destroys our way of life for its own gain? No. I'm just... there are ethical concerns, don't you think? Just because they don't bother doesn't mean we abandon what makes us human. They go low, we go high. What? You miss your punch and lose your balls. There's another way, I'm sure. What is that goose chases looking for birth certificates that we know don't exist? How do we know they don't exist? Because they're... Fair point. I personally saw this as a way to keep ourselves safe while the town sorted out the hippo problem. If preferring to live is pathetic, then I don't want to be brave. One and everybody else could have chosen to come. But they decided they are confronting the problem. So while they're doing that, we can stay here until it's all clear and come back ready to help rebuild the town. Right. Right. Because one hippo is going to destroy the whole entire town. The sounds of the hippo grow more fervent and wilder. Bernardo looks around nervously but tries to play it off with a laugh. You're a... you're a surprisingly intelligent woman. Oh, you know you're... you're a cute waitress working at a cafe and you're just... you're just surprising. Is it surprising? It's just... I thought I was the only intelligent person in town and... and it's just refreshing to know someone else actually thinks about things, you know? So don't understand why you think it's surprising. Well, I... Uh huh. Uh huh. What I find surprising is that you have the actual audacity to be surprised by my intelligence when you don't even have the brain capacity to realize that we cannot reason with a fucking wild animal brought into our country by a glorified drug meal. You really hate him, huh? This used to be a place where children played. And now it's... it's just another corpse left behind by Pablo Escobar. Did an Escobar build this place? Yeah, I look at what happens to everything he touched. Ruins. Destruction. But it was still built. Would this be here if it weren't for Escobar? What's here are hippos destroying our country. These are the consequences of creating your own place in the world. You know, I want to get to a time when we are beyond dealing with the consequences of male stupidity. There are none of the places in arm around Dalia who is not in the mood for Bernardo's flirt tactics. Maybe... maybe I have misspoken. I apologize. I meant to say I knew you were beautiful, but I didn't know you held such strong conviction. Dalia pushes Bernardo's arm off and scoots away from Bernardo. There's a lot you don't know. Bernardo draws closer to Dalia thinking that she's playing hard to get. I hope... I hope I can get to know you. I get to know you a little better. Is that a promise? We'll see each other again at the cafe. And I'll smile right at you and ask you about your bad plays and pretend like I care, you know, so that you give me a better tip. Beautiful, intelligent, witty... deal. It's a date. Problem first, and then after, we'll talk about your actual chances. Okay? Gotcha. Got it? Dalia tries to run for it, but Bernardo grabs her hand and pulls her to him. Stand by me. I'll protect you. Go. I'm sure those are hippos, not asses. We can't stop the hippos. Those Bernardo with her and they try to exit. Just before reaching offstage, another scream fills the air. The hippos stop their chanting and drumbeat. Dalia and Bernardo also stop. Faces showing horror at what's in front of them. They back away from where they were trying to exit and their enters. A hippo-sapien! A protest hybrid with the body of a human and the head of a hippo. It moves about on two legs awkwardly, trying to disproportionately hold its large head up. Oh my God! People have been fucking hippos? And this is a hybrid child? No, no. People don't transform into hippos. People don't fuck hippos either. Well then what the fuck is that? The hipposapien falls and gets up on all fours. It shakes its head like a dog shaking off water before spotting Dalia and Bernardo. Bernardo locks eyes with the hipposapien. The hipposapien interprets this as a challenge. Bernardo, meanwhile, thinks that he's making a profound connection between man and beast. I think it's trying to speak with us. Forgive me if I will. The hipposapien begins to make its way towards Dalia and Bernardo slowly, almost laboriously, as it gets used to moving. What are you trying to say to us? I didn't get that. But I felt, I felt the emotion behind it and you're confused. Huh? Oh, poor beast. You're practically an idiot. Don't patronize it. It's an animal. It doesn't understand things like being patronized. I'm pretty sure it understands you. No, it doesn't. Just a big old stupid animal. Oh, yes you are. Oh, yes you are, you ugly little creature. Yes you are. See? It's like a pee bee. You can insult it all you want. All it understands is tone. Oh, you dumb beast. Oh, yes you are. Oh, you're so stupid. Oh, you're so stupid. Yes, you are. The hipposapien does not appreciate condescension. It starts waddling a little faster toward Bernardo, who is touched. Look, look, look, look. He wants to meet me. He wants to kill you. You don't know that. This is where we could make serious, we could make a serious breakthrough. But at the very least, this is a massive scientific discovery. Part hippo, part human. The hipposapien reaches Bernardo and stands on its haunches. Bernardo opens his arms for a hug. Valia pulls Bernardo away just as the hipposapien swipes. Look, look, he's trying to give me a high five. Oh, sorry, buddy, I'm too slow. Bernardo wags a mocking finger at the hipposapien. The hipposapien can take no more. They exit pursued by the hipposapien. The age is filled with the primal grunts of the hippos. Scene five. Hip politics. The assembly hall. Two podiums. The townspeople are seated talking among themselves. I don't understand. Is this even legal? Do you think the mayor should even show up? The mayor has to, right? I think so. The mayor enters with a confused look. As the mayor reaches the podium, a loud snorting is heard. The hippo enters, dressed like a politician with Juan, who is in a nicely pressed suit. Juan takes a seat near the podiums. The townspeople shift uncomfortably, seeing the hippo. What the hell is going on? Thank you all for attending our first debate before this week. We want to make sure that we have a rigorous and thorough discourse so that voters can make a informed and smart decision before going to the ballot box in the snap election that we have started. It's not what others believe, but let's get to it. This is a waste of time. According to the signatures that we've gathered, there are many voters who are dissatisfied with the direction of the political discourse. Nope, nope, nope. The hippo gets a nuzzle its head against the bench, scratching an itch. The mayor watches in horror. Are you serious? What the hell is going on here? This is a joke. An absolute travesty to our political process. I will not debate a hippo. We don't even know if we can run. Your anti-immigrant sentiment aside, we gather the signatures to initiate a recall. An anti-immigrant? The hippo? I just neither here nor there. I will be moderating this debate, and I will make sure to ask the best questions. Where did you get these signatures from? Who would actually nominate a hippo to run? The voters. An animal cannot run for human office. Where is that statue? It can't even answer a debate question. I will translate. You can't speak hippo. Prove it. No, you prove it. The hippo meanwhile wishes to urinate in dreams of the chance. Very well. Watch me prove it. First, debate question. Mayor, how do you answer to the allegations centering about the controversy of Cardigan Krabat? You can't talk about Cardigan. Our thoughts and prayers are with him always. This debate is a sham. Do you try to besmirch a hero's name? Boo! There is no controversy. Precisely. There is no controversy. Cardigan Krabat does not exist. What are you talking about? Cardigan is a hero who gave his life to protect the city from terrorist threats from Mother Fat Hippo. I think we should stick to the substance of the question. Cardigan is real. Long live Cardigan! And Cardigan's family, the Krabats? They asked for privacy at this time. There is no Cardigan Krabat on the record. Am I debating you or the hippo? I'm just following up on questions. Yeah, Mayor, this is a force that the hippo doesn't even know human speech. Bored and in need of amusement, the hippo smashes through the podium, rushes the mayor, and gores him with its mighty tusk. Oh my God! Wait! Wait! Everyone, wait! This is how we achieve change. The mighty hippo has just cut through the red tape and the bullshit. He just killed the symbol of corruption in our town. The elites have lied, and now they pay with their lives. This is revolution! Boring! The townspeople begin to advance on the hippo who is now rolling over the corpse of the mayor. Suddenly, a group of hippo sapiens rushes in and begins attacking the townspeople. Yes, there will be change. You can choose to evolve with the times or find yourself destroyed. Underfoot by the future! The hippo sapiens chase the townspeople out. The hippo decides it's time for a swim in some tasty grass and walks off. Scene six. The hippo in the old man's pants. Assembly hall, nighttime. Snacks and a pitcher of water at a table. The sounds of hippos grunting as the townspeople sit hiding and debating. Townspeople 1 through 4 are engaged in lively chatter while townspeople 5 is clearly perturbed and breathing deeply. But hippos don't eat people. Do they? Acknowledged. More hippos? We have no reason to believe there are more hippos. But then what were those people attacking? What are those noises outside? Just masks. It has to be. But it didn't look like masks. And their arms and legs, they... Like where a human leg should have been. That doesn't mean anything. There are more hippos. I know it. Anyone else feel warm? I think some people are transforming into hippos. Why would you say that? Well, one of those things that attacked us was wearing my neighbors' clothes. So you think somehow your neighbor changed into a hippo? Seriously. It's really odd. What do we think causes the change? Disease? Magic? Magic? That's preposterous. Humans don't transform into other animals. This isn't some Kafka or Market story. Point of order. I have been flandered. How? Why? Why is it so fucking odd in here? Language, please. We must maintain decorum in this assembly. You want decorum? You want decorum! Easy! Easy now! We're all stressed. But we can't lose our cool. We must advance with open eyes and a calm mind. Question. Egonolged. The townspeople look out the window. Yup. Definitely two hippos showing their everything. That's my neighbor. The old man. He's a hippo now. My God! They're defecating everywhere. See, it's some water. Is it some kind of disease? Can we catch it? Please. I'm asking nicely. Water? What does this all mean? Water? Here. I need it. It's too dry. It's too dry. Don't be silly. We're by a river. How can it be dry? Are you calling me a fucking liar? The townspeople fall silent in Sarah Townsperson 5. Townsperson 1 leaps into action and pours a cup of water from a pitcher on the table. Give me the pitcher. All of it? Give me the fucking pitcher! One hands Townsperson 5 the pitcher who immediately dumps the water all over himself. Not enough. I need more! More! Townsperson 5 gets up and leaves, walking with a distinct waddle. They were so rude. All right. Order. Order. Query. Yes. I'm wet. Three? Townsperson 1 looks out the window. Yes. It looks... there is a third hippo. Question. Acknowledged. There is no actual query with my colleague's query. And there's no question to your question, my dear and honorable colleague. Is there a penalty, do you think, or...? They are interrupted by the sounds. You know the ones. The sounds hippos make when they love each other very, very much. The townspeople lean forward on the window. I know the dress on that third hippo. Who is it? That's my neighbor's wife. She turned into a hippo. That's impossible. People don't. He'd always talk about his performance issues, too. But by all indications, based on what's happening out there, there are no issues with the act of performing. She looks really happy. Well, I mean, look at the size of that thing. More noises. More brunts. Shut the fuck up. Townsperson 3 nods. Townsperson 1 is right. It is time to shut the fuck up. The grunting noises grow louder, more needy, more passionate. Oh, wow. They're in public. Do they have no shame? There's nothing to be ashamed of there. Jesus. A howl that eventually settles down into a low murmur. Well, I guess that's that. The noises resume. Everyone is snapped out of their reverie when the doors to the assembly hall were revealing Townsperson 5, only now with the arms of a hippo. Sorry about that. I was really thirsty. It is contagious. What's contagious? The hippo-ness. What do you mean? Your arms. What about them? Have you seen them? What are you trying to say? You're ill. Ill? I've never felt better in my life. I feel like I can do anything. But your arms. I've never felt stronger. More powerful. Townsperson 5 smashes the table of snacks, which collapses. The townspeople back away. How could anyone say that I'm sick? Who said such a thing? Who? Look at all of you. Throwing queries and questions acting self-important. Creating committees to study problems that could have been solved with a bullet between the eyes. You don't see what I see. You don't understand what I understand. You need to calm down. Oh, but you see? I'm calm. I'm the calmest I've ever been because I've seen the truth, and the truth outrageous me. What kind of truth are you talking about? I don't need to explain myself to anyone. The hippos are right. The hippos were always right. We just never listened. The hippos aren't indecisive cowards pretending to be something they aren't. They want something. They get it. They have a problem. They solve it. They don't need committees. They don't need stupid little children playing pretend politics. They are who they are. They own it. That's something we should all be doing. But no, you sheep are too weak. So stay here. Stay here and let your life pass you by. I, meanwhile, I'm with them. I'm one of them. Towns person five exits. Towns people stand there a moment trying to find the words. You don't need to say that anymore. Yes, I suppose so. The government needs to intervene. Why? This is clearly an epidemic infecting our people. Is it? What are you saying? I'm saying I heard a lot of truths just now. Like what? I heard the call to freedom. Look at those hippos. They look so happy. Animals! Are they? Or have they figured out how to really live? Imagine having the freedom to do whatever you want. Nobody can stop you because you do whatever you want. I mean, when you're a fucking hippo, who can stop you? There's no cleaning your house. No chores, bills. No care at all except to eat, swim, live, and fucking bubble it. You don't care what other people think because you're free. The noise is, you know the ones. Resume. Imagine having that old man's stamina. Imagine the world with no taxes. Ooh, now wait a minute. Yeah. Imagine not having to worry about buying clothes anymore. No more suits. No more shoes. No more uncomfortable cravats, no struggles. No more queries. No more questions. No more being afraid. They all ponder this and look amongst each other. The rhythmic snorts of the hippos outside begin. The stomping suit follows. The townspeople smile and embrace each other, making their decision. Slowly, one by one, they file out of the assembly hall. Scene seven. The hypocrite. The cafe. Night. Quan sits sipping some coffee as a procession of hippo sapiens pass, trumpeting and grunting. Arepas are strung up around him, forming a kind of protective barrier against the hippos. A large stack of arepas in Bernardo's script sits on the table. One of the hippo sapiens draws close, but Quan quickly throws one of the arepas at the hippo sapien who backs away with a grunt. The hippo sapiens exit, their grunting growing distant. Quan continues to sip his coffee. Hundreds of years to get it right. And at the end of the world, the coffee still here is burnt. Bernardo enters looking terrified. Spotting Quan, Bernardo yells out, overjoyed at finding his friend. Bernardo tears through the barrier of arepas. One of Quan's hands tightens into a fist. I worked very hard on that. Quan, I'm sorry for breaking your, uh... Arepa barrier, duh. What? What the fuck is an arepa barrier? Arepas ward off hippos. Oh, no. I didn't know that. You neither did any of us. I listened to laughter you left. We have to put the barrier back up then, hurry, hurry! Another tries to string the arepas back up. It falls apart. Doesn't matter. They'll be coming soon. The hippos? The hippos, yeah. We have to get out of here. That's eight times that you've been licked. Do you realize that? One, what is happening? What's happening is that you have been abusing my friendship for years. I'm sorry, I'm late. But one, the fucking hippos are rampaging all over the place. And yet, somehow, I still manage to be here at the appointed time, and you are late. Like always. And like always, I show up, didn't I? But late? Always late! Why are the hippos everywhere? Where is everyone? They're hippos. The hippos ate them? No, they are hippos. They also transform here? Things that you should know. Such as? Did you know that the hippos are said to produce pink milk? Yeah. I see. It actually began as an urban legend. Their milk is white, or beige in color. But hippos do secrete this hypo-sutrid acid in their sweat, so which acts as a suntan lotion. But if that acid should mix with that hippo milk, then we get the pink milk! Thank you for all that information. Tell me about your trip to S.C. and Dinopolis. What doesn't matter? I? Did you find the birth certificates? No. I'm not surprised. Why? What hippo has a fucking birth certificate. Why didn't you mention that? I assumed that you were trying to get that waitress alone so that you could seduce her. That was secondary to the more important mission. Really? I mean it. Right. And by any chance, where is the waitress? We lost each other in the chaos. What chaos? Hippo people everywhere at S.C. and Dinopolis. How many? They had to be in the thousand. Think that hippos, they have religion? I don't understand your question. Like to these people? I see Dinopolis is like the holy site. You're not making any sense. It's like the Garden of Eden. Don't you think the place where their god brought them to build their hippodome? Their god? He's not a god. But to us, no. Perhaps to the hippos and their converts and these hippo people. Pablo Escobar and those who follow his ways are the beginning of a religion. You're not making Escobar more of a prophet? It was in any case. It's fascinating, don't you think? They're hippos, not the subject of anthropological research. But did you know that hippos can defecate? And when they do, they rotate their tails like this and like a little fan in the windshield and stuff. No, I didn't know that. You know why? I don't. Their tail flings their shit away from them. Sometimes right in the face of their predators or enemies. And that's why you should never sneak up on a hippo. They're ready. You know a lot about hippos. And sometimes, depending on the consistency of the ways, that's when, as they say, shit hits the fan. As it were, because when the hippo tail spins like a fad, the watery consistency can create a mist of hippo feces that spread several yards from the hippo's anus. You're making me nervous. Juan stares without blinking at Bernardo. Bernardo ships uncomfortably. Juan gives a toothy grin. His bottom 2K19 teeth appear bigger. I must confess, I was a little bit nervous myself. What do you mean? Yeah, I mean, it was terribly risky trying to run a hippo for political office. Political office? I thought for sure it was over when the hippo gored the mayor. The mayor was gored? And killed. Honestly, the hippo's political aspirations should have died when he urinated himself. What? But I suppose people like the honesty in which the hippo approach the situation, you know. Oh, well, who can say? This is nuts. For a brief moment, I thought that I can control it. But not without becoming. Becoming. Deliver behind, you know, when the chaos came. I would never. So she decided to cut the death wait and she left, you know. Juan, we got separated. What's her name? It's, uh... It's Dahlia. I knew that. Stop lying already. I planned on learning her name. It's just it never came up. Of course. Finding out about names is more for after you fuck them, right? Juan coughs. Was that a grunt? Bernardo shifts his weight and involuntarily squirms at the sound of Juan's grunt coughing. You're ill. Typical. Fucking typical. Changing the subject whenever you get called out for your shit. Juan, I know I can be a fuck-up. Can be? Well, I... You make no... I'm sorry. Juan grunts in acknowledgement and with a hand gestures to a chair. Bernardo takes a seat and reaches for an Arepa before offering it to Juan. Get that thing away from me. Are you hungry? Get that thing away from me! Bernardo drops the Arepa. What the hell's going on, Juan? I wonder if humans can transform into hippos. Do you really think it could be reversed? Why are you asking that question? What, am I not allowed to ask questions? I'm not saying you shouldn't ask questions, but why that one? Because if humans are able to do what was thought evolutionary impossible, I wonder if the reverse could be true. Could one transform from hippo to human? We need to have been human previously to go back. Is hippo dictation reversible? Can humanization occur? Can anyone want to become a hippo? Can't you see why? Why would anyone have to give up their humanity, especially to transform into a hippo? And yet, people are choosing to transform. It's because people want an excuse to be animals. Say more. I see... Rather, I saw what those hippos do. They act on their base instincts. They're launching around lazily. They're destroying things or fucking on the town square. You see their massive shift in consciousness and virtuosically painful choice to oneself as an excuse by the masses to return to their most foul and basic nature. Yes. I'm always the contrarian. Do you see things differently? Yeah, I do. How is that? The people are choosing to transform. They are protesting. What are they protesting? They're protesting a failed society. They're protesting a society that could have been bothered to get rid of the problem left behind by a drug lord and corruption. They're protesting our inability to take decisions, to make decisions for the common good because we place higher premium on life of a fucking animal than our own citizens. Yo, we lost everything in this rampage. Of course, people want change. If the hippo can do as it pleases, then one must become the hippo. One is seeking for liberty. We seek liberation. At what cost? Cost? It's not worth our humanity. To keep our humanity is to place us in danger. You don't mean that. Ah, but I do. You know what happened to those people who refused? Refused while you were in Asien, Danapolis? Those who changed trampled those who refused to change. God. It's no longer for no ideological reason. People are changing to protect themselves. It's a necessity to survive. This is plain evolutionary work. And they're cowards. And the blood of the dead is on their paws? Paws? Did we decide what kind of feet a appendage's hippos had? I think they're web feet. It doesn't matter. Those who changed to protect themselves, they're complicit. That's not evolution. That's cowardice. You're saying that death is preferable. Preferable to lose in our civilization and common humanity. It's not like we're losing everything. There's the echoes of a society in their grunting and rampaging. They have leaders. They have convictions. They use their tails to make poop mist. Sweat suntan lotion and fuck on the town square. They're wild beasts with absurd biology and impulses. Or absurd and that human who can't keep track of time who goes out there and looks for hippo certificates. Why are you defending them? I'm just making an observation. Your observations are hurtful. Another observation. Did you know that hippos laugh? They're ready to kill. I didn't know that. Just imagine one of the world's most dangerous men with one of the world's most dangerous creatures. Their eyes meet. They laugh mean to such to his day. I wouldn't know. I got a joke. Pablo Escobar and his business associates were coming to Hacienda Nápoles to see Escobar's animals. Escobar asked if the business associates would like to hear a joke. Hey, you want to hear a joke? Hey, the associate says, oh yes, I do. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Escobar comes and says that he is running or that running a zoo is much like their business. How, the associate asks? Well, you have to do the routine maintenance and clean up waste. Escobar and the hippo, they make eye contact. The business associate is confused. You don't get the joke. Laughs Escobar. Associate is a little nervous. You have to clean up the trash. And both Escobar and the hippo laugh as Escobar pushes the associate into the pit. The hippo laughs. Escobar laughs. The associate screams. The hippo laughs. The associate laughs. Oh no. He's dead. Silence. And Escobar grimpses. And he says, that motherfucker never had a sense of humor anyway. Is there more? You're not laughing. Maybe I didn't get the joke. I said laugh! You know, I reread your play. Should we be trying to get out of here? No, let's talk about your play. You didn't like it. A revelation. Really? The last straw for mankind for their inevitable decline. A tour de force showing exactly why humanity was doomed. The moment that that hippo stand on our foot, on our town, and just like the end of your play, all we have is a sad, pitiful whimper. You have gone too far. Oh, have I? You're abusing my friendship. What have you been doing? I've never tried to put you down. Done worse. You wasted my time. You had me wasted forever. I could have died at any moment, and those precious moments are used up on your fucking vanity projects. Forcing me to go to the faraway cafes with burnt coffee and overpriced arepas just so you can try to fuck some waitress whose name you don't even know! You disgust me with your self-interest. You're a fucking parasitic leech. That's what you are. No one flips the table over causing arepas to scatter and coffee to spill, but none of the falls out of his seat and tries to crawl away. One. Let's talk. Please. Wanna talk now? Juan exits into the cafe. Bernardo looks around and grabs a buried dull butter knife from the floor. Juan returns wielding a pot of coffee. You know what? No, no, no, no. You're right, bro. Let's talk. Let's talk. Come on. Juan, please! Stop! Juan, what are you doing? Stop! Bernardo brandishes the butter knife at Juan. Juan stops and considers Bernardo before smiling again, showing his enlarged bottom canines. What do you plan on doing with that fucking thing? You're having an episode. Calm down. We can get you through this breakdown together. Breakdown? Breakdown? You can't think clearly because you're not in your right mind, Juan. Oh, I am in my right mind. I have never, clearly in my whole life! What are you saying? They're gonna conquer the world soon, you know. It's either join the ranks or die. I choose life. I choose to join them. Who? The hippos, you fucking moron! Juan hurls the coffee pop back into the cafe and it makes a loud crashing sound. Bernardo scrambles to stand up, grabbing a few adepts in his other hand. Both circle each other. You're one of them now. I'm embracing the future of the human race. You, my friend, are late as usual. Instead of securing your place in the world, you sit there, pontificating, never seeing your own hypocrisy. You say, those who choose to transform, they choose to indulge in their most basic instincts. What were you doing, huh? What were you doing when you forced me to come to this cafe? What were you doing when you were trying to convince the waitress to act in your show, just so that you can fulfill your basic urge to fuck? You're the animal here. You're just too afraid to admit it. You're the last disgusting human. And you're furious. You hate that people have caught on to your game and improved on it. You become irrelevant overnight. Humanity does not become irrelevant. But soon it will be. Bernardo throws an arepa at Juan. Juan stands there stunned before roaring out, greatly offended by the insult. Bernardo stuffs the butter knife in his pocket before grabbing as many arepas as he can before trying to escape. He's the hippo! Oh, my God! He's one of them now! As Bernardo tries to escape, a large brown something is flung on stage. It either hits or lands there. It depends on the night. A brown fog fills the stage. Bernardo sniffs before retching. What is that? The sounds of oars and grunts all around. Hipposapiens enter from where Bernardo tried to escape, while Juan advances on Bernardo from the opposite end. In the world of yesterday, I was the friend of an imposter who called himself an artist. But in the world of tomorrow, I will be a general. I will be the king amongst hippos. Everything hippo will do as I say. I will be the powerful one. Come here, old friend. We shall make an example out of you. Death to the takers, death to the parasites, and the mutual clout. And then goes off. The hipposapiens look around in panic. In another canon, Juan and the hipposapiens begin to retreat. As they exit, another canon goes off again, shaking the stage. Wild cries and grunts fill the air. Juan enters, covered in soot. Hit! Juan! Bernardo rushes to Juan and cradles his head. I know, I know, I know. I love you too. No, no, no, no. I forgive you. You weren't in the right mind. Go! Juan dies! No! Another canon goes off. Bernardo looks off in the direction of the canon fire. He gently lays Juan down and places a nadepa over Juan's heart before crossing his hands over his chest. Bernardo exits. Scene 8. Scene 8. The Hippocalypse. The destroyed assembly hall. On one side, Dalia stands on a raised platform with a colony-era canon and three cannonballs. On the other, several hipposapiens grunting and roaring at Dalia. Dalia stands tall, a pistol holster to her side, boldly facing the hippomenus. She fires a canon. The hipposapiens fall. Backing traitors to humanity. Dalia loads one of her cannonballs and fires again. The ground shakes. Bernardo enters on Dalia's side, carrying an arm full of arepas. Dalia! Dalia! There you are. Dalia brandishes her pistol and points it at Bernardo. Get the fuck back. It's me! Dalia, it's me. I know exactly who the fuck you are. I'm not. Smile for me. Bernardo smiles awkwardly, revealing no hippo teeth. Dalia still considers shooting him anyway. But then, a hipposapien rises from the ground and rushes at Dalia, trying to capitalize on her destruction. But Dalia, supremely aware of her surroundings, turns on the enemy and immediately shoots the hipposapien, who howls and retreats off stage. Bernardo gets on the platform and drops the arepas by the cannon. We have to get out of here. I refuse. Do you even know how to use that thing? Dalia points her pistol up Bernardo, tired of his bullshit. I will shoot you right the fuck now. Okay, okay. Sorry for questioning. Dalia turns to face the other side and fires the canon again. Coward, come out. Come out here. What are you doing? I want him. The first hippo, Escobar's hippo. We don't know if it was one of Escobar's originals. Dalia fires a warning shot at Bernardo. No more splitting him. Dalia! I will never forgive you. I could have been there. I could have helped before they changed. I could have convinced them to stay human. But no, I wasted my time with you at that fucking drug lord's home looking for birth certificates. Dalia. What do you know my name? How could I not know the name of the woman I care for? Well, uh, so you see the... No, no, no, no. Juan turned into a hippo person and then I... Dalia shows Bernardo out of the way and picks up a cannonball. I love a woohoo who takes control. Dalia drops a cannonball which rolls away. Um, you lost the... I have never heard of it. The rhythmic stomping and hippo grunt chant ceases. A long silence, a low rumble. Escobar's hippo, the entire body enters. He is even more immense than previously. He wears a military beret and moves about with a pomp and self-aggrandizing swagger of a general or a Latin American dictator. Its ears spin and its eyes like onyx. The hippo noises fill the stage. The chanting resumes as Escobar's hippo opens its massive mouth and lets out a piercing roar. Wasn't that big before? It's only been one day. It gets the last cannonball and loots it into the cannon. What are you doing? Dalia tries to fire the cannon. Nothing. She tries again. Nothing. Dalia gets her pistol and begins firing madly at Escobar's hippo. All shots miss. Why? Escobar's hippo begins to advance toward Dalia and Bernardo. We have to go. No, I won't leave. It's not cowardly to retreat, come on. The hippo... To look at things as if it's the worst case scenario. We don't know if this is global. We could possibly be the last two humans on Earth. This hits Dalia hard. Like a ton of bricks. She seriously hadn't thought of it. They might actually be the last two humans on Earth. Escobar's hippo also stops until it's head wondering about that idea. The last two humans? So we have to prepare. Prepare for what? Strategies to fight back. Shelter. Food. Eventually. Procreation and repopulation of the human race. This is the straw that broke Dalia's back. She tries to make sense of all the emotions running through her mind and her emotions are all over the place until the idea of Bernardo's love-making sinks into her mind's eye. Nope. Fuck that shit. She looks at Bernardo and smiles at him. We have a duty to save the human race. That's what we're going to try to do. Fuck the human race back into existence. What have you been fighting for all this time then? To die for humanity. But I will not procreate with you to save humanity. Nope. Fuck that. In time you'll learn to love me. I need you to understand something. Okay. I mean this unambiguously. I'm not flirting or playing hard to get when I say this, you know. I would rather... fuck the hippo. Bernardo squeaks. Heartbroken. Escobar's hippo, meanwhile, is totally down for this and gives an enthusiastic run of approval. You had seriously fucked a hippo before? Yes. Yes, without hesitation. I cannot believe. Oh, I'll believe it. Now, way out, so, do you have any kind of weapon? A knife or a gun? I have this butter knife from the café. She snatches the butter knife from Bernardo and turns to face Escobar's hippo. The hippo's ears spin and it tilts its head, wondering what Thalia will do. Then Thalia rushes at Escobar's hippo. Better to die with my pride than in humiliation. The hippo sapiens on the floor rise and they meet Thalia before she can reach Escobar's hippo. She cries out, but the scream is cut short by the hippo sapiens surrounding her. They raise Thalia's dead body, covered in scratches like it's a trophy. Celebration as Bernardo falls to his knees and the hippo sapiens depart. That's not a response. You need to answer for yourself. Why? Why this town? Why didn't you stay in Acienda Napoli where Escobar brought you? Why can people change it to hippos? What about your ideology seduces so many people? Ah, that's what I felt you say. To assume there's an ideology in the first place, that's the fate of my thinking? Of course, yes, yes. But why do people rally around you? You and all those likes, you inevitably fail. People who bring about destruction and chaos always fail. It doesn't matter. What do you mean it doesn't matter? Of course it matters. Unless you mean that the ideology doesn't die with the man that a persistent memory until it rises again, then why fight then? Why do we do anything at all? If we eradicated the Nazis and the communists, the drug lords and the strongmen, then just return. What kind of existence is this? It's absurd. Of course. Four would always be poor. Rich would always be rich. We are trapped in the eternal repetition of history, but the arc of history netterly bends. It was just... It does. Unless it's a wheel in the bend to justice leads to the descendant to the worst moment of human history. But then what are you, hippo? What are you to the eternal turning of the wheel? You will perish along with all others into another like who rises. Like the man who brought you here, but rising only to be destroyed and eventually forgot. You're not here as history's pawn. You say you come to break the wheel by changing the fundamental nature of man to hippo. They will break free. Then one was correct. To transform into a hippo is to rage against cruelty, repeating faith. It's to go against human destiny and truly free oneself. Then I should turn into a hippo. Yes, I should. Bernardo closes his eyes, trying to will himself into a state of hipponess. He waits there, holding his breath, throwing red in the face until... I can't! Shut up! Can't let go of this humanity. I can't accept that this is the solution to breaking the wheel. You cannot... cannot come at the expense of basic... This can't come from following a hippo brought here by an egomaniac who killed so many people and couldn't be removed by a government that killed even more people. You're too pathetic! Escobar's hippo has grown bored with this. He opens his mouth and roars the mightiest roar yet. It won't change. You're gonna eliminate me. That makes sense. But one last question. Why do you hate Arepa so much? Bernardo grabs an Arepa and hurls it at Escobar's hippo. This greatly offends the hippo for the last time. Bernardo throws another Arepa after Arepa, Escobar's hippo, driving it back. Ah, because he represents that one finger ideology he can never offer. Because Arepa is the foundation of our triumph over nature because it sustains and feeds, because it is the human spirit in all our ingenuity, one flaky sub-time, dryly made up patty. I'm no great human. Monsters like you destroy our smartest and bravest and leave cowards like me behind, but even a coward has his moment of bravery. We protect, we protect our skin at all costs. A coward will use this courage if he must. You killed Juan and Dalia, the smartest and bravest. You took this town over down to its political infrastructure. You took this town and its people under your sway. You intend to dominate and transform or to kill everybody into your achieve permanent change. But I'm still here. You won't win until you have killed me. The human spirit endures as long as I'm here. Yes, laugh, laugh. Laugh at me, I'm worthless. I can't write worth a damn. I'm egotistical and have always acted in my own self-interest. I won't run away from you. I won't run away from you. I did nothing to try to stop you until it was too late, but I am here now. That counts for something, right? I'm still human. It may be true that Colombian men have a grand propensity for failure, but it won't let you win this one easily. I'm the last man that I should defend humanity to the last breath, even if I fail in my task. I will keep on. Bernardo says there's only one arepa left. The hippo sapiens enter and begin a march toward Bernardo following behind Escobar's hippo. No other meaning beyond that, and I'm just trying to intellectualize something because it's special. Bernardo Escobar's hippo prepares to rush at Bernardo. That's how it is. Question, last question. Were you born in Colombia or Africa? It would really help me solve something here. Escobar's hippo's caught off guard and is confused for a moment before and patience has officially run out. Blackout, end of play.