 eating to sort of recovery is easily one of the hardest things to deal with. um as you're about to see in this video i was prescribed these milkshake meal supplement things by my gp to try and help me maintain my weight at a healthy level because you know, eating to sort of recovery is hard. i either binge eat or i don't eat and i was going for a phase of not eating and i'm going to show it there'll be a clip after this one showing me cooking a meal or then the day after i start the milkshakes. i haven't been able to vlog the entire phase to eat these milkshakes all i'm gonna say is i've dropped 10 kilograms in space a week because of the medication and it's fucking hard because while i'm funnily enough my brain's like oh my god yes i dropped 10 kilograms i'm also like fuck i dropped 10 kilograms and that's scary and i'm not gonna lie starting taking these milkshakes was a huge step for me just because i didn't know it was in them i am very afraid of weight gain i'm very afraid of the idea of recovery with my eating disorder i just um this video is a hard one for me to put out but i want to share it because this is what's going on in my life at the moment and i asked you guys on twitter if you wanted to see it and you all said yes so um here we are let's get on with this so the drinks my gp prescribed me because food is a problem for me at the moment is these um it's an avid reliable for dietary management of patients with or at risk of developing disease related malnutrition for all the years shake well once opened cover and refrigerate use within 24 hours store unopened at room temperature with a lot of ingredients and what it's got in it are a lot of calories it's got 300 calories in the drink um everything in you've needed so it smells horrible but i can smell it from here it's terrible i'm not looking for what to do this is something my gp prescribed and yeah i've been struggling a lot with food recently like a lot um i'm trying to survive it and you can put me up to it looking horrible oh i literally hate this is my life i really do there are so many aspects in my house that i can deal with i can live with dissociation i can live with flashbacks i can live with depression i can live with everything like that so what is the one thing that i i don't even know why it's the one thing i just can't deal with i can't seem to get over there and no matter how hard i try it always comes back and bites me in the f*** yeah and we're at a point of f***ing milkshakes and it making me feel sticky drinking it why is it even such a problem that i want to do this way why is it a problem why does it matter so much let's do my five f***ing minutes to drink half of it i asked them to where if you guys wanted me to vlog this and you said yeah so that's why i'm filming i probably won't film to anyone oh it's over it's over it's done hard actually got it in the bin wow so i just had one of the milkshakes i've got the feeling i'm a bit allergic to them um she haven't seen my last video i live in a hospital briefly that's why i haven't belong the rest of this little journey i think i'm allergic to them because my skin keeps puffing up whenever i have one but i had one and i know how to puff up again it's because of the milkshake if it doesn't happen again i definitely need to see my gpu um my throat probably sounds horrendous if i'm not well light probably does i'm waiting for the um home treatment team to come and drop off my um medication skin is starting to puff up my hair looks like she my neck's all itchy um i don't even know why i've got a feeling that um i've had another reaction to someone and unfortunately the only thing that's new is this um so i'm gonna have this there so we are in the morning if it's still in the morning i'm gonna go for my gpu hey guys what's up um it's 13 24 in the afternoon on thursday i'm waiting for a phone call from my pharmacist because i need my medication uh i thought i'd sit down and record the last little bit of this video while i have a milkshake i decided i'm going to be documenting every aspect of my eating disorder which is something i've never done and it's hard very hard starting or even acknowledging like that i needed help with it it was a hard thing to do like turning around to my gp and being like look i can't keep doing this to myself that was a big deal for me that was a big big step for me and while guess the idea of recovering terrifies me it terrifies me the fact that i don't even know like this is like how my life's been for so long now i'm just so used to it but the weird thing is these are supposed to like help you gain weight right they are weight gain supplements essentially i've lost over 10 kilograms since i started using these and that's including like the little binges that i've had because i do binge eat some times that's including that and i've just dropped the weight like it's nothing which is scary because like i mean it's pretty obvious on camera as well but i'm not the biggest people i'm five foot two i don't have the room to drop that much weight before it becomes dangerous especially when i'm already like on the lowest bedroom healthy anyway so i don't really know i do need to see my gp about it though which i'm probably gonna do tomorrow hopefully operation milkshake do you know what i don't even know where i find it so hard to drink i think it's because i can see the uh calorie intake of it at this little 200 meter the middle of a carton there's like 300 calories in it 300 300 calories in that i don't even want to take it that's the thing i don't even want to drink it i'm only drinking it because i don't want to go on dream disorder services again they do fire alarm tests every week i was told i was gonna get a phone call from a pharmacist a half past one it's after a half one oh fire alarm didn't go back off what's new i think people without eating disorders don't really realize how hard it is to recover or try recovery like it's a whole other world because food is something that is around you all the time you know what situation you in it is around you there are constant triggers and the thing is i've been trying i've been trying so hard the last few years to just keep my weight up and it didn't get all right until this year and then it kind of went out the window and you can kind of read in the book in my book about where the decline came in and where it started to happen and what went wrong and you can read right in that i don't want to talk to you right now it's been going well for a few years and then it didn't go well i swear i literally only own black t-shirt i edit all my videos i'm just like it looks like i have to wear the same t-shirt or something but i don't i literally have black t-shirts it's literally all i own i'm gonna start wearing different color t-shirts i'm gonna buy different color t-shirts just for videos because it looks so bad i'm still in my fucking pajamas as well i don't know i don't even know at this point oh my nose i've still got a bruise on my fucking neck what is that is it these milkshakes take me so long to drink oh my god oh bristek because of black in the news shock the deal at the moment it's fucking shit i voted to leave right a whole heartedly still stand by that decision and i wouldn't change my decision even now i stand by my political opinion in the sense that leaving the EU is the best staying in the EU just no just no not my political opinion do i like the current bristek's deal no do i think it's gonna get passed no i reckon they're gonna have to revisit i don't think the current deal's anything that anyone's gonna accept we'll talk about politics in my next live stream there we go i finished a milkshake i didn't cry today yeah i didn't cry while drinking a milkshake that's a good way to end this episode i think but yeah my laptop keeps going off why do i keep getting so many facebook notifications at the moment i'm gonna go uh can you hear his subscriber there leave a comment down below if you have any questions or want advice or just have a video idea leave a number below my social media is all linked in the description yeah if you're interested in my blog the link is in the description down below my voice went really high pitched i'm so sorry i mean stop um i'm gonna go um i hope you're doing all right i don't know how do i even end this do i hit you with the milkshake today i'm gonna hit you with it i'd like every episode i end up hitting the camera or something i'm gonna end up needing a new lens by the end this year i keep hitting it with things oh i'll hit you with the evil milkshake there we go it's not big enough is my lens is too big look sake can i do it that way around will that work it worked it fits that's what she said i'm gonna go i need to stop right guys