 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents the Phil Harris Alice Fay show. The enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Fay show, transcribed, written by Jack Douglas and Marvin Fisher, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Janine Ruse, and Whitfield, the orchestra under the direction of Skip Martin, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. First a word from RCA Victor. Whether the radio station you want to hear is across town. This is NBC, hometown, USA. Or whether it's a radio station across the globe. This is BBC London. This is Tokyo, calling. You can tune it in with RCA Victor's new portable radio, The Strato World. This seven-band AM shortwave portable is powered to pick up the world. It has electrical band spread tuning that automatically separates foreign stations, usually crowded together on the dial. Let's you tune in London, Paris, Tokyo, like your local radio stations. And you'll get wonderful reception wherever you are, because The Strato World portable has three antennas. A built-in antenna for normal use, a special window antenna for trains and planes, and a push-button shortwave antenna. See and hear The Strato World, one of many dependable table models, clock radios, and portables by RCA Victor, world leader in radio. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Fay and Phil Harris. The recent series of articles in the Saturday evening post depicting a life of Bob Hope inspired Phil Harris to write some sort of a chronicle of his life. He hasn't actually started, but he's got all the equipment, even to a very swank modern office in which to write it. Hey, gee, Curly, this office is the end. I never saw anything so lavish before, and what a modern building. Everything in it's made of glass. Yeah, real, crazy, futuristic glass roof, glass stairs, glass elevator, and even the rooms are made of glass. All of them? Yeah. If you want to wash your hands, there's a Texaco station on the corner. Hey, Elliott, get a load of this layout. You see the movie writer I rented this office from really knew how to furnish it, didn't he? Oh, yeah. Did you rent his clothes too? No, I didn't. These happen to be my clothes. If I'm going to be a writer, I'm going to dress like the other Hollywood writers. This splash of color that I have around my neck is a mascot tie, known in literary circles as a cravat. Oh, pardon me, Lord Calvert. I thought you were wearing turtleneck shorts. What are you doing with your feet under the rug? My feet are not under the rug. I'm wearing suede shoes. Oh, gee, Curly, do you have to go through all this just to be a writer? Elliott, you'll never know what it takes to be a writer. Now, for instance, you take the great Hungarian, Zerbe Plavatsky Teramatsov. There was a great writer. Writer? Sounds like an acid condition. Oh, you poor, unenlighted peasant. Zerbe Plavatsky Teramatsov was a genius. He realized that in order to be a great creator, he had to suffer and suffer and suffer. What did he suffer from? He had suede shoes like mine and they were too tight. Curly, what makes you think that the world is waiting for the story of your life? Elliott, it came to me like an inspiration. In fact, I woke up in the middle of the night. Did you go home? That's pretty funny, huh, Curly? No, it wasn't. Well, drop me in the garbage disposal and set it for chicken bones. Look, if you want to know, Elliott, plenty of people are writing their life stories and there's no reason why I shouldn't. I can't get over this office and this desk is out of this world. And look at all them electric push buttons. What are they for? I don't know. Well, why don't you push one and see? Okay, there. Did you jingle? Huh, uh, what? I said, did you jingle? Well, if I didn't, I'll have all my wiring done over. My name is Juju. I go with the office. Huh, I don't understand. Didn't you rent it furnished? Hey, Curly, push another button. Did you jingle? Hey, Curly, what? Play a chord in G. Say, girls, I don't get this. Oh, it is very simple. We are secretaries. I am Juju. And I am Jiji. But look, I only need one secretary. Oh, Curly, you can't break up a set. Oh, no, now listen, Elliott. Look, write my life story. It's a serious business, and I got to get started and no fooling around about it. Now, the first thing I want you girls to do is to run out and get some ice cubes. No, no! No, I mean typewriter ribbons. I'm confused. Second thought, I'm going to dictate my life story to my partner here, so I won't need you girls. You'll have to go. Oh, that's too bad. Well, I'm sorry, but don't you see, if you go, I can get started writing. Yes, but if I stay, you will have more to write about. Well... I'll go put a couple more nickels in the parking meter. Wait! No, no, I'm sorry, girls, but honestly, I can't use you. Poof! Poof! We have never been so insult in our life. You are a dog, and he is a dog. You are both dogs, dogs, dogs, dogs... Clyde, stop wagging your tail. Okay, Hemingway, start dictating. Very well, now the first thing... Hold it, wait a minute. What's the matter? Well, what are we going to call this book? Oh, yeah, we're going to have a title. Let's see... Oh, Julius, it's a collection of notes and my secret diaries that I've kept through the years. You mean in here is a record of everything you've ever done? That's right. Yeah. Ooh, I should have worn lead pajamas. This stuff could be radioactive. Hey, kid, we're just trying to think of a title. What would you call a book about Mr. Harris's life? Why don't you call Lashes? Come over here, will you? Look, I'm going to turn... What do you mean? What do you used to be? Never mind. Well, what's a safety supervisor in a fish factory? Just kid. Everybody face the front. I wasn't ashamed of that job in the cannery. I got eight dollars a week and all the fish heads that fell in my pants cup. Everybody face the front. All right! Can't have half and half. All right, Elliot, let's get back to work. There you are, Curly. I got the title of the book down already, The Memoirs of Phil Harris. Yeah, yeah, that's very good, good. Now, paragraph one. I, Phil Harris, was born many years ago. Uh, uh... Shall I put many in capital letters? All right, all right. Just do the typing, huh? All right. I was born of poor but honest parents. My family were so poor that when I was born, my mother wasn't even there. She was out looking for work. There were twelve of us little Harris children. We were so poor my folks couldn't even afford to buy us kids long winter underwear. Every January, mother would rent a spray gun, line us all up and spray us with peach fuzz. Curly, peach fuzz. That's right, Elliot. And all that I am today are ever hoped to be. I owe to a large bottle of soil off. Paragraph two. My life as a baby. Here is something I never told anybody. Nobody knows it, but once I had a twin brother named Herbert. When my twin brother Herbert and I were babies, my mother used to put us in our little playpen and then she would give us daddy's forty-five revolver to play with. But mother never missed Herbert because I was so cute. I could put my big toe in my mouth. In fact, I can still do it. Curly, I believe you. Put your shoes and socks back on. I just want everything in the book to be authentic, Elliot. Now, paragraph three. Phil Harris' education. Paragraph four. I'll have you know that I did have some schooling. Like I said, we lived in a run-down neighborhood and the schools were all overcrowded. In fact, in history class, there weren't enough history books to go around so they gave me a telephone book. Until I was fifteen years old, I thought the Battle of Bunker Hill was won by the Yellow Cab Company. Look, Curly, I don't want to criticize, but most people, when they write a biography, mention somebody that's had a tremendous influence on their life. You know, somebody they've always looked up to. Well, I've got one of them. It was my dad. My dad had an effect on my life from a very, very early age. I remember when I was nineteen, I went into the front room and I said, Dad, don't you think it's about time you started telling me some things I ought to know? Is that clutch, honey? Well, Dad, I've never even seen a girl how will I recognize one if I meet one? Oh, honey, it's easy to recognize a girl. How? Well, at the palladium, there are the ones that dance backwards. Thanks, Dad. That's all I needed to know. That very night, I put my rabbit money into an envelope and sent it off to Arthur Murray. Hey, it was right after that that you fell in love with Alice, wasn't it, Curly? That's right, and it was in the movie theater. When I first saw Alice, she was in a picture. It was dark inside that movie, and after I'd groped my way to a seat way down in front, I looked at the camera, and there she was, everything that I'd ever dreamed of in a woman. Poise, charm, and sophistication. The camera drew to a close-up of her regal profile, then she suddenly turned her queen-like head towards her screen-lover and softly crooned. Daifers, creepers, let's get down on the floor, let's get down on the floor, let's get down on the floor, let's get them peepers, creepers, creepers, let's get those eyes up, let's get those eyes up, let's get those eyes... Hey! Very few people know this, but Alice Faye was the first Margaret Truman. I knew that I could never meet this beautiful movie star on the salary I was making at the time. I knew that I had to have some extra money. I'll bet that's when you bought your first set of drums, eh, Curly? Right, and after practicing hard for three days, I was ready. I got myself a job in the orchestra at the Follies Theatre. I'll never forget that first rehearsal. Drama! You're new around here, ain't ya? Yes, I am, ma'am. Well, get with it, Sonny. Hold it a minute. Well, I'll come down there and show you what I mean. Now, look, when I dance, I need plenty of drums to go with it. When I make a movement, I want you to catch it on the drums. Understand? Yes, ma'am. Well, all right, let's try it again. I didn't touch the drums, lady. That was you. After being a musician for three years, I saved up enough money to go to Hollywood. I just had to meet Alice Faye somehow, so I bought an autographed book and waited at the studio gate for her. It started to rain. Two hours later, it was still raining. Now it was beginning to get dark and it was still raining. But I just had to have Alice Faye's autograph. Suddenly, the studio gate opened and Alice was standing there. I rushed over to her and I said, pardon me, Miss Faye, but may I have your... It had been raining harder than I thought. You didn't give up, did you, Curl? Not me. I was bound and determined to make her notice me. If she'd go, I'd make sure that I was there, too. I remember. You sure made a fool of yourself. I'll never forget the time you stood in front of her limousine just so she'd have to stop and talk to you. Yeah, and you know what I said? I said, baby, if you don't talk to me, you'll have to run your car right over me. Yeah. Curly, did you ever have that fog light removed from your chest? No, I like it there. I read a lot in bed. Anyway, Elliott, I'm glad I didn't give up because my persistence finally won out. I got up enough nerve to call on her at her home. In fact, I called on her several times. I remember about the fifth time that I went to her home to see her. Well, hello there, Philip. You're early tonight. Yes, ma'am. How are you, Mrs. Fay? Fine. Come in. Well, I see you brought Alice some flowers. Isn't that sweet? Yeah. They're pussy willows. Oh? Well, they're not real pussy willows. I just glued some caterpillars to a buggy whip. You can't hardly get the real ones anymore. Well, Philip, I have a surprise for you tonight. Oh, you have, Mrs. Fay? Yes. I've decided you're a boy who can be trusted. So tonight I'm going to let you sit on the couch with the lights turned down really low. I'm going to let you sit on the couch with the lights turned down really low. I'm going to let you sit on the couch with the lights turned down really low. Oh, gee, that's swell. Do you mean it, Honest? Yes. And if you behave yourself, tomorrow night I'll let Alice stay in the room with you. But I finally did get a loan in a room with Alice and the lights were turned down low. We were sitting on a comfortable divan in front of a big, warm, crackling fire. I looked up at her. I said, golly, Alice, I can't tell you how glad I am to be with you, Alice. I'm just bubbling over with joy and happiness and stuff like that there. How do you feel about me, baby? Bear's creeper. Let's get to the creeper. Well, let's start at the ball roll. Well, let's start at the ball roll. A whirlwind courtship follows, moonlit nights, sun-drenched days at the seashore. Well, Phil, this is the last time I'm coming to Zuma Beach with you. You've been sitting here ogling all the girls in bathing suits. Well, honey, the 1930 bathing suits are pretty saucy. Well, men suits are too. Look how daring yours is. The sleeves only come down to your elbows. And I can see right through those buttonholes in your leather leggings. Well, it's pretty handy in the water. The back end opens up into a lobster trap. Alice, honey, there's something I want to say to you. Yes, Phil. Well, I didn't have the right to ask you to marry me before, but now that everything has worked out just perfect, your option at 20th Century Fox has just been renewed for five years of $10,000 a week, and I am now eligible for unemployment, in short. Oh, Phil, I knew you cared. Yes, we were married immediately. It was a lavish Hollywood wedding, and afterwards we whisk away to the bridal suite at the Apple Valley Inn. This is your honeymoon suite, Mr. Harris. I've placed your suitcases on the stands, and there are fresh flowers on the table. Is there anything else I can do for you? Well, I... Well, I... Well, you see, son, we just got married. And, uh... And... Well, here's a tip. Why don't you go buy a roundtrip ticket on a runaway horse? Oh, at last Alice was mine. I turned around and there she was. A vision of loveliness. Her hair was like sponge gold. Her eyes were as blue as the Mediterranean, and her lips were like two crushed strawberries. That was almost breathless, as I said, darling, at last we're alone. She walked toward me slowly, put her warm arms around my neck, drew me close to her, and said... Tea bags, free bags, what should those tea bags be? Hey, Curly, you know what a promoter Alice's brother is. Promoter? Who else would take used tea bags, dye them black, and sell them as original, you know who, I-patches. Well, maestro, now he's selling tickets to plays, to fights, to movies. He's working? Swell. You might say that, here's one of his tickets. Read it. Let me see that. A million dollars worth of entertainment daily. Don't miss it. See it all at its best on RCA Victor Television. So he's charging folks to watch his TV set. Oh, they quite ethical. Read the fine print. Where? The bottom. Oh, yeah, yeah. Then you were showing us at the home of Phil Harris. That sounds good. Wait a minute, he can't do that. Well, one thing about Phil's brother-in-law, his facts are right. Millions of dollars worth of entertainment does come your way on TV. It is too good to miss. And you can see it best on RCA Victor TV. No wonder. Only RCA Victor brings you automatic tuning, golden throat fidelity sound, and the famous magic monitor circuit system. See new RCA Victor TV. Now the big screen Master 21 model costs as little as $199.95, the lowest 21-inch price in RCA Victor history. And remember, a factory service contract for expert installation and maintenance is available in almost all TV areas, only to RCA Victor Television owners. This is Phil again. We're a little late. Thanks and good night, folks. Good night, everybody. Included in this program, we have Grant Criber, Gloria Gordon, Evelyn Eaton, Viola Vaughn, and Dick LeGrand. The part of Julius is played by Walter Tetley. This has been an NBC radio network presentation. That's Tuxedo Junction. From the current movie, The Glenn Miller Story, has played in a new RCA Victor album by Glenn Miller himself. You'll find this Miller classic and seven other Glenn Miller hits in RCA Victor's new Glenn Miller Story album. Remember, only RCA Victor has the original Glenn Miller recordings. Remember to hear Can You Top This, which follows John Cameron Swayze on the news, on the NBC radio network.