 Hey Abbott what time is it? It's time for the Abbott and Costello show. We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello show Since the Abbott and Costello show produced and transcribed in Hollywood for your listening and laughing pleasure Chuckles with a carload and music by Matty Malden So hold on to your chairs folks for here they are but Abbott and Lou Costello Stop that yelling Costello come over here. I need I need ten thousand dollars in a hurry. What are you learning to me? Haven't got that much, huh? Well, how about eight thousand five thousand one thousand Costello, when are you going to stop that laughing when you get down to about three dollars and a quarter? I should have known better if you stop chasing girls, you'd have money I don't chase women Abbott. I'm repulsive to women. Pulsar to women. Who told you that women? Haven't you ever had a real girl? Oh, yes, I have one Sabbath. Her name was Mabel Kumpquat Here old Mabel Kumpquat Sweet kid. Not bad Met her in a delicatessen factory in Patterson. I was a Salami Sniper A Salami Sniper? Sniper. All right. So what is? Well a Salami Sniper That's an endless chain of salami would go by me every 20 inches. I would go snip snip I looked up and there stood Mabel. I stood there looking at her for 15 minutes. What happened Abbott? Did you ever see a salami two miles long? And that was the start of your romance, eh? Oh, yes. One night I took her up. I took her up to Mountain. Wait a minute. There's no Mountain in Patterson. Abbott, when I take a girl up a mountain to a mountain, it's I slipped the ring on a finger. I didn't have a ring. So I used the cigar band Then where did you get the cigar band? Mabel happened to be smoking a white owl at the time I know it was a white owl. I could smell the feathers Castelli, you could graduate with honors from an idiot's college. Thank you, professor Hey, wait a minute boys. Here's a serious-looking fellow trying to get a word in edgewise. Let's see what he has to say Castelli, stop that yelling. Where have you been? You've been hiding my Christmas present Have you finished with your Christmas shopping, Lou? No, no. On the way down here I stopped at Nancy's department store and boy was that place crowded. Lots of people, eh? Yeah, but it was so crowded while I was in there my belt broke and it was 20 minutes before my pants fell down Another thing, I can't stand those women shoppers. What's wrong with women shoppers? Well, I was standing by the notion counter. There was one woman there She was turning everything bottom-side up to see where it was made. She was turning everything bottom-side up Everything bottom-side up. The floor work has saved me just in time I never mind. I did it for $1.94 Well, Lou, skip that. Did you write your letter to Santa Claus yet? Did I write my letter to Santa Claus? Yes I ain't gonna tell you. Oh, come on. Did you or did you not write a letter to Santa Claus? Well, if you must know, I did and I asked him to bring me a new bicycle But Santa Claus brought you a new bicycle, a brand new bicycle, two years ago Yes, but don't you think I'm old enough now to have a boy's bicycle? I hate to interrupt your program, but I've got some bad news for you. Out with it, man. What is it? Mr. Costello, your uncle Tom was just run over by a truck on Wilshire Boulevard My uncle Tom was run over by a truck on Wilshire Boulevard Thanks for telling me Abbott. What? You got a pencil. What do you want with a pencil? I want to cross Uncle Tom with my Christmas list How can you say that, Costello? How can you be so heartless? Isn't there any love in your family around Christmas time? Oh, sure. Our family all love each other. Last Christmas my aunt made me give my uncle Mike a broken arm for Christmas A broken arm? Yep. What kind of a Christmas present is that? Well, after she broke it, she wrapped it up as a gift I'll bet your house is a pleasant place around Christmas Oh, you should have been there last year. Aunt Armichold and Uncle Jim are no good and Aunt May hit her over the head with a vase Then my uncle hit my brother Pat over the head with a cane bottom chair And then Uncle Tom hit my cousin Vincent with the umbrella stand and my sister Marie fired three shots at my sister-in-law What happened? Well, before you know it, an argument started Well, I want to tell you something, Abbott, and speaking of arguments What are you going to get your wife for Christmas? Well, I gave her some money She wanted to buy herself a new closet. Lovely. Yes, but you can't seem to find one that will fill her budget She's so fat nothing would fit her budget Castella, my wife is just pleasantly plump. She's not fat. That reminds me, Abbott My sister would like to borrow one of your wife's stockings to hang over the fireplace on Christmas Eve What does she want with one of my wife's stockings? She's expecting a grand piano Are you trying to insinuate that my wife Betty is fat? Well, did you ever see her in a bathing suit? Yes, I have Repulsive isn't I? Wait a minute. Who put that in this script? I told you Abbott, you should have bought those writers presents Did you did you buy them presents? No, but I asked them what they wanted and they said to me Louie You know what we like best. You just go out and get it wrap it up and put it on their Christmas tree Well, but why don't you do it? Abbott, you can't wrap up a saloon If you didn't get the writers anything you should have at least bought their wives something I did have it. I gave each one of them a corsagee. No, not corsagee. Not corsagee. That's corsage Spells at A-G-E is pronounced like odd as in corsage or our garage Now, where did you get them from the man who picks up the garbage? I gotta do some shopping for Louie B. Maire. He wants me to get a box of cigars He's gonna get in the market or Brian for Christmas. I'll wait a minute Why we don't want to give Margaret or Brian a box of cigars for Christmas. He wants a stunter growth All right, Castello that did it now. I'm gonna tell you what I think you're the lousiest comedian on the radio You tell the worst jokes on here and furthermore It's my brother. I wouldn't come to see your show again if you gave me a million dollars. You stink It sounded good Lou. This guy means it Tough guy, huh? You want to step outside and say that? Sight me I'll step outside and say it. Why? Well, there's a lot of people out there in front that couldn't get in the studio. Maybe they'd like to hear a two That's what I thought you were a yellow rat. A yellow rat that did it. I'm not taking that sitting down Oh, you're nutty. No He got me Abbott. Where'd you get you, Castello? As I said before I'm not taking this sitting down Hey, look Castello, it's our secretary Ville Avon Well, Castello, I didn't expect to see you here tonight. I thought you'd be up at the north pole looking for Santa Claus Now, it's too cold up there. My uncle Jim moved up there to north pole last I heard him He was keeping company with a girl polar bear and he was going to get married to a girl polar bear What stopped them? Her parents objected If I remember right, your uncle Jim took your cousin Vincent to well ask you with him, didn't he? Yes, and one day Vincent was fishing for whales He hooked one and started to pull on his line then the whale pulled and Vincent pulled and the whale pulled Where's Vincent now? I don't know, but every time I get a postcard from him, he sends regards from Jonah He looks so pretty. Why don't you and I step out together after the show? I'm in a gay mood tonight. I'm feeling my oats Yes, Abbott. Have you been out to lunch with Trigger again? There's no reason why Viola shouldn't go out with me. I'm a regular ladies man Why women grow themselves at my feet. I don't blame him anything to get away from that face Castello, it's my turn to go out with Viola. Why you've been over to our house five nights running No, Mr. Abbott, only four nights running. Last night my father didn't chase him Ah, look, there's no use in you boys fighting over me. I want to find a big strong robust romantic man How about me? Okay, you can help me look Castello, I don't blame Viola for not wanting to go out with you. You're fat. You're ugly. Your front tooth is missing Oh, no, it's not. I got it right here in my pocket. I Uh, Castello, honey, what are you going to get me for Christmas? You know, I need a new car A new car? Well, well, Castello, as soon as a new car prices come down, maybe you can get her a new car I think so, Abbott. I went to a deal yesterday and I said how old will it be before I can get a new car for $900? He felt my pulse and says you'll never make it Don't forget about Viola. We've got a lot of people on this show We've got to get them Christmas presents. Come on. Let's go across the street to the department store See this store's crowded look over there. It's our band leader Maddie Malick. Hi you fellas I'm looking to buy some records Castello, do you know where the music department is? No, I don't well you take the down this aisle to the escalator Then you take the escalator the next floor then you go towards the front of the store Just a minute. Wait a minute. You asked me I asked you what how to get to the music department Well, you go down this aisle to the escalator then you're ready Now come on now get out of here Maddie Malick. Now look how some musician he just don't give a toot. Look Castello, there's Santa Claus in the toy department. Hey come on. Come on over here. I want to talk to him Are you Santa Claus? I'm Santa Claus Yes, little man What's the idea of kicking me in the leg that's for last year Castello, that's no way to act Santa Claus is here to find out what you want for Christmas Now go ahead and tell him what you want for Christmas. See Santa Claus I wish that Christmas morning I could find me to hate with him my stocking with those fat legs of yours You'd have plenty of room for the Andrews sisters Say Santa Claus that was pretty good. Oh, it's nothing I tell those jokes all the time up at the north pole Who's your straight man a penguin do you want to trade? No, I don't want to trade I'm too fond of this penguin I keep him in a bottle of ink. Oh a fountain penguin Castello is just a kid at heart. He craves affection the thing for you to do is mother him. Oh, well, that's different Sure. Here here. Come on get up on my knee fat boy Now put your head under my beard Now I've got you Oh Santa Claus Santa Claus, what are you doing? I told you to mother up. Oh, I thought you said mother up Take it up, man But it's time to change the subject for just about 60 seconds musical Christmas gift to all of you How winter's in a Christmas song along with matty malnick and his music Oh, the weather outside is frightful But the fire is so delightful And since we've no place to go Let it snow let it snow let it snow It doesn't show signs of stopping And I brought some corn for popping The lights are turned way down low Let it snow let it snow let it snow When we finally kiss good night How I'll hate going out in the storm But if you really hold me tight The fire is slowly dying And my dear we're still good-bye But as long as you love me so Let it snow let it snow let it snow And we finally kiss good night Put in the storm But if you really hold me tight And my dear we're still good-bye But as long as it's snow Let it snow My brother Pat just told me some wonderful news Tomorrow he starts playing with the girls in Phil Spatholome's orchestra What instrument will he play? No instrument, he's just going to play with the girls I thought your brother was a musician Ah, he's a singer, he sings just like Nelson Eddy Does he sing shortening bread? Well, he could, but the places he sings in are so small And now he can't sing shortening bread, he's got to sing right crisp What are you doing with that newspaper? I wanted to show it to you, Abbott My Sam Shovel Detective series has become so popular The newspapers have taken it off the radio page and put it in the front page Look Uh-huh Well, lay your man I don't see it on the front page There it is, there it is Under crimes committed in Los Angeles today And besides that I'm getting more fan mail than ever Listen to this one Dear Lou Costello of your Sam Shovel Detective series Not the funniest program on the air Then I'm not the next president of the United States Who's it from? Tom Dewey And that, what is your Sam Shovel Detective mystery for tonight? It's one of my latest cases, Abbott I call it the case of Clarence the dress designer Who gave himself up to the police Or I'm all yours and buttons and bows This is of Sam Shovel Private Detective I'm Sam Shovel Sam Shovel Private Detective I'm sitting here in my little office It's mighty chilly in here I think I'll throw another log on a fire Every time I build a locked fire in my office a landlord complains Maybe it's because I have no fireplace I pick up the newspaper I drop it on my desk It was the mirror I read the one ads Woman who washes Mondays and Tuesdays wants place to hang out on Wednesdays Wanted man to teach Nuclear division of atomic astrophysical cyclotronic fissures No experience necessary I glance out of my window to see what's playing in the movie across the street Chicago Cleveland Boston Must be that new picture, the cry of the city Next door to the movie is the Hollywood nightclub Those Hollywood nightclubs cut the liquor so much the bartenders have to have a barber's license In the winter they have to put alcohol in a whisky to keep it from freezing Once my pal Lieutenant Abbott of the Homicide Squad was so disgusted that he wanted that joint to drink himself to death He didn't get drunk But there was so much water in the whisky he nearly drowned Suddenly the phone rings Sam Shovel speaking Sam Shovel you're on the spot get wiser yourself You've got to play ball with us Who are you? You seal your football team we'll play anybody Online went south I look out the window again Crowds nothing but crowds everybody doing the last minute Christmas shopping the crowds give me an idea I'm going to write to my congressman and haven't changed Christmas to April The stars aren't so crowded then In the crowd I see my pal Lieutenant Abbott Abbott is the cheapest guy in the world all year round But when Christmas comes he'd give you the shirt off his back I know Last year for Christmas he gave me a dirty shirt Lieutenant Abbott is a great detective he worked on the Morelli case and in two days he had it sewed up Then he got the Mary case and it only took him three days to sew that up Then came the famous Lewis case he sewed it up in 24 hours He never carried a gun Just a sewing machine and three extra bobbins Hello Sam Shovel Sam tomorrow's Christmas Eve and I dropped in to find out what you want for Christmas Well I live just a stone's throw from head to the Mars house And my bedroom window is just a stone's throw from her window What do you want for Christmas Sam? A stone Lieutenant why don't you send me some muscle toes so I can kiss the girls under it That's not muscle toe that's missile toe Missile not muscle When I want to kiss a girl I got to use muscle Sam I want you to help me on a job I've been assigned to guard at the department store during the Christmas rush I guarded the Broadway Hollywood store last Christmas I put a man on a fifth street door a man on a Broadway door a man on a strict street door How'd you make out? They didn't lose a single door But all the windows were stolen And we're going down to the store right now Sam is the big store they sell anything from sailboats to a pound of pecans I see they got everything from sloop to nuts Come gentlemen you'll have to go to work right away The shoplifters are stealing everything in aisle nine Where is aisle nine? Well this is aisle seven that's aisle eight and that How do you like that they stole aisle nine I like this job Say who was that gorgeous girl behind the crowded counter Well that's Miss Fairchild she works in ladies slippers She's beautiful what else does she do? She just works in ladies slippers that's all Hey wait a minute look that kid He just stole a pair of roller skates I'll get him I'll teach you this deal I'm going to knock you up Lou Tenon I'll take charge of this case You keep your eye on the store come with me son I didn't have the heart to take that kid to jail He didn't look like a bad kid he was poorly dressed His face was dirty but I could still see some of his freckles His name was Johnny I took him to my little office and sat him down in the chair I could see he was scared plenty scared Gee Mr. Shovel I don't want to go to jail And I don't want you to go to jail son That's why I brought you here Those were plenty of expensive roller skates you took off the counter in that store Johnny I'm not talking about the cost and money Johnny It's the cost and shame and disgrace Not only to you but to your mom and your dad I never thought about that mom and dad That's the trouble with doing the wrong thing Johnny Most time it hurts others more than the guy that does it Gee you're a funny guy You're supposed to be a detective a cop Me and the kids in my neighborhood we ain't got no use for coppers But gee I kind of like you You don't talk like no cop You're more like a friend Johnny cops aren't bad guys Every cop on the force wants to be the friends with every kid on his beat When a kid is in trouble if he'd run to a cop instead of away from him He'd find out that cops are pretty regular fellows You see Johnny you're a kid and I'm a cop But lucky for us we're both living in a wonderful country A country that's interested in the welfare of its children Our police know that no kid wants to be bad It's just bad environment neglect on the part of parents Lack of love and understanding That makes a kid go wrong Yeah And and are you sure that all cops is my friends? All cops Johnny There you are Even him Even him I don't know what this is all about to him But I gotta get this kid to the lock up This is Christmas Eve and I gotta You gotta get a little of the Christmas spirit lieutenant I think Johnny's very sorry for what he did He'll never do it again Well he tried to get away from me He ran from the law that's a sign of guilt Honest I won't never do it again I promise I won't Besides lieutenant I think I've made Johnny understand that cops are his friends Yeah Johnny if you know the cops are a kid's best friends you You've really learned something Yeah well there's only one thing that puzzles me What is it Johnny? Well lieutenant happens a cop ain't he? Yes Well how could a guy with a face like that be any kind of a cop Oh Johnny Johnny it's Christmas Eve listen I promised my wife I'd be there I'd be in church saying my prayers and saying hymns And here I am in this broken down You don't have to be in church for that lieutenant How about it Johnny? Know the words to that song? Yeah I think so Johnny let's try it huh What do you say? Let's wish all our listeners a very merry Christmas Merry Christmas everybody And I'd also like to say merry Christmas to our fine crew that helped us put the show together Our writing staff which is headed by Eddie Fulmer With Paul Conlon, Pat Costello, Martin Ragerway and Leonard Stern Now don't forget the swell boys of the band and our leader Maddie Melnick And our vocalist Hal Winters And a merry Christmas to our producer Charles Vander Good night folks Good night everybody and Merry Christmas Night of this time we're not a great Abbott and Costello show Produced and transcribed in Hollywood And be sure to stay tuned for the outstanding entertainment Which follows throughout the evening on this ABC station