 My name is Sam Vaknin. I'm the author of Malignal Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited. Today we will talk about abuse. Abusers exploit, lie, demean or ignore, this is known as the silent treatment. They manipulate and they control. But they use a variety of ways to achieve these goals. There are many ways to abuse and many facets of it. Even to love too much is abusive. It is tantamount to treating someone as an extension of oneself, as an object, as a mere instrument of gratification. To be overprotective, not to respect one's privacy, to be brutally honest, to be with a sadistic sense of humor, or to be consistently tactless, all these are forms of abuse. To expect too much, to denigrate, to ignore are all modes of abuse. There is physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse, and even legal abuse. The listed log. Most abusers abuse it surreptitiously. They are stealth abusers. You have to actually live with such an abuser in order to witness the abuse and discern it. There are four important categories of abuse. The first one is overt abuse. This is the open and explicit abuse of another person. This is the type we are familiar with. Threatening, coercing, beating, lying, berating, demeaning, chastising, insulting, humiliating, exploiting, and ignoring, silent treatment, devaluing, unceremoniously discarding someone, verbal abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, they are forms of overt abuse. But overt abuse is only the tip of the iceberg. There is a second type, which is control and abuse by proxy. If all else fails, the abuser recruits friends, colleagues, mates, family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbors, the media, teachers. In short, the abuser recruits third parties to do his bidding. He uses these to cajole, to coerce, to threaten, to stalk, to offer, to retreat, to tempt, to convince, to harass, to communicate, and otherwise to manipulate his target. The abuser controls these unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey and victim. He employs the same mechanisms and devices with his intermediaries as he does with his ultimate targets, and he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done. Another form of control by proxy is to engineer situations in which abuse is inflicting upon another person. Such carefully crafted scenarios of embarrassment and humiliation provoke social sanctions, condemnation, or even physical punishment against the victim. Society or a social group thus become the instruments of the abuser against the unwitting victim or prey. So how do you cope with such abuse by proxy? Well, often the abuser's proxies are unaware of their role, so expose him, inform them, demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused, and plain used by the abuser. Trap your abuser, treat him as he treats you, involve other people, bring it into the open, nothing like sunshine to disinfect abusive behavior. The third category of abuse is what I call ambient abuse or gaslighting. It is the fostering propagation and enhancement of an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability, and irritation. There are no acts of traceable explicit abuse. There is no manipulative setting of control, yet the irksome feeling remains a kind of disagreeable foreboding, a premonition, a bed omen. This is what I call gaslighting after the famous movie Gaslight. In the long term such an environment erodes the victim's sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Self-confidence is shaken badly. The victim begins to doubt himself or herself. Often the victim adopts a paranoid or a schizoid avoidant stance and renders himself or herself exposed to even more criticism and judgment. The roles are reversed in ambient abuse. The victim is considered mentally deranged, labile and unstable, while the abuser is universally regarded as the suffering soul. So how do you avoid ambient abuse? Run. Get away from the situation. Gaslighting often develops to avert and then to violent abuse. You don't owe anyone an explanation. Simply get away. You owe yourself your life. Bail out. The fourth category is covert or controlling abuse. It is composed of a few tactics. The first tactic is unpredictability and uncertainty. In professional terms, intermittent reinforcement. Let me explain. The abuser deploying this tactic acts unpredictably, capriciously, inconsistently and irrationally. This serves to render other people around him dependent upon the next twist and turn in his mood, the next inexplicable whim, upon his next outburst, denial or even smile. The abuser makes sure that he is the only reliable element in the lives of his nearest and dearest, and he does that by shattering the rest of the world through his seemingly insane behavior. He creates a roller coaster, a hurricane, a tornado. He perpetuates his stable presence in the lives by destabilizing their own. How do you avoid that? Refuse to accept such behavior. Demand reasonably predictable and rational actions and reactions. Insist on respect for your boundaries, for your predilections, preferences, wishes and priorities. The second tactic is disproportional reactions. One of the favorite tools of manipulation in the abuser's arsenal is the disproportionality of his reactions. He reacts with supreme rage to the slightest offense. He punishes severely for what he perceives to be a transgression against him, no matter how minor. He throws a temper tantrum over any discord or disagreement, however gently and considerably expressed by others. Or reacts inordinately attentive, charming and tempting, or sometimes oversexed. This is also a kind of disproportional, albeit positive reaction. These have a shifting code of conduct, and the unusually harsh and arbitrarily applied penalties are premeditated. The victims are kept in the dark. The neediness and dependence of the victims on the source of justice and on the source of judgment passed. On the abuser in other words, these neediness and dependence are thus enhanced, guaranteed, nurtured and consistently maintained. What to do? Demand a just and proportional treatment. Reject or ignore unjust and capricious behavior. If you are up to the inevitable confrontation, reacting kind to the abuser's abuse. Let him taste some of his own medicine. Another tactic is dehumanization and objectification. The abuser dehumanizes his victims, treats them as objects. People have a need to believe in the empathic skills and basic good-heartedness of others. By dehumanizing and objectifying people, the abuser attacks the very foundations of human interaction. This is the alien aspect of abusers. They may be excellent imitations of fully fallen adults, but actually deep inside they are emotionally absent or very immature. Abuse is so horrid, so repulsive that people recoil in terror. It is then, with their defences absolutely down, that they are most susceptible and vulnerable to the abuser's control. Physical, psychological, verbal and sexual abuse are all forms of dehumanization and objectification. How to cope with it? Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him. Do not negotiate with bullies. They are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail. If things get rough, disengage. Involve law enforcement agencies. Tell your friends, inform your colleagues, or threaten him legally of course. Do not keep your abuse secret. Whatever you do, do not keep it secret. Secrecy is the abuser's weapon. Share your plight. Never give him a second chance. React with your full arsenal to the first transgression. Abuser's also abuse information. From the first moment of an encounter with another person, the abuser is on the prowl. He collects information. The more he knows about his potential victim, the better able is the abuser to coerce, manipulate, charm, extort or convert the victim to the cause. The abuser does not hesitate to misuse the information he gleaned, regardless of its intimate nature or the circumstances in which he obtained it. This is a powerful tool in his armory. How to cope with this? Be guarded. Simply don't be too forthcoming on a first or casual encounter. Gather intelligence. Don't volunteer it. Be yourself. Don't misrepresent your wishes, your boundaries, your preferences, your priorities in your red lines. Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back on your word once you have given it. Be firm and resolute. Abusers are engineer in possible situations. They create dangerous, unpredictable, unprecedented or highly specific environment in which the abuser is sorely needed. Abuser makes sure that his knowledge, his skills, his connections or his traits are the only ones applicable and the most useful in the situations that he himself has wrote. The abuser generates his own indispensability. How to cope with that? Stay away from such quagmars. Scrutinize every offer and suggestion by the abuser no matter how innocuous and innocent it sounds. Prepare backup plans. Keep others informed of your whereabouts and appraise of your situation. Be vigilant and doubting. Do not be gullible and suggestible. Better safe than sorry.