 Hey there, I'm Drew and you are listening to or watching the anxious truth This is the podcast that covers all things anxiety anxiety disorders and anxiety recovery So if you're struggling with things like panic attacks agoraphobia or health anxiety Well, this is the place for you and I'm happy you're here this week on the podcast We're going to talk about the difference between reassurance seeking, which is not a good thing in recovery and productive assurance seeking Which is what's the difference? Why does it matter and how can we break the cycle of repetitive reassurance seeking? Let's get into that now Hello, everybody welcome back to the anxious truth. This is podcast episode number 241 We are recording in January of 2023. I am drew linsellata creator and host of the anxious truth If you this is your first time here welcome. I'm glad you found us if you've been here for years Welcome back. I'm glad all of you guys are here. So today as I mentioned in the intro We are going to talk about the idea of Unproductive cyclical never-ending reassurance seeking and why that's a bad thing We're going to talk about productive assurance seeking, which is a good thing Especially in the early stages of your anxiety journey And we're going to look at some ways that you can start to change or break that never-ending cycle of repetitive reassurance seeking Before we get into it I'm going to direct you guys over to my website at the anxious truth calm because the anxious truth is more than just this Podcast episode there's a bunch of other free podcast episode. There's a ton of free social media content There's a monthly webinar on distress tolerance that I do with Joanna hardest There are my three books that I've written about anxiety and anxiety recovery Which are being read by tens of thousands of people around the world And I'm really proud of how many people those books are helping that can all be found on my website at the anxious truth calm So don't stop here go over to the website and avail yourself of all the goodies They're all there take advantage of them any way that you can and if you're digging my work And it's helping you in some ways all the ways to support it can be found on my website at the anxious truth calm Support financial support is always appreciated, but never required I appreciate all of you guys and any way you support the work whether it's just listening to a podcast episode right reading a writing review Or liking a YouTube video. Thank you very much. I appreciate it in a big way So let's get into today's topic and that is the never-ending Unproductive cycle of constant reassurance seeking that often is part and parcel of an anxiety disorder and stands in the way of recovery So why dude? Why does that happen? What is it? And why is it a problem? But before we get into that I want to talk about the difference between unproductive maladaptive reassurance seeking that never ends and productive assurance seeking because there is a difference between Assurance and reassurance and it's quite literal based on the nature of the words Reassurance meaning a thing that you keep doing again and again and again reassurance, but in the beginning of anybody's anxiety journey the Availability of assurance we would call it education good information Helping somebody understand is a positive thing. We not only want that but we kind of need it in the early stages So if you're new to all this and you do not understand what's happening to you why this is happening or what you're supposed to do about it then seeking assurance and productive helpful information that helps you understand what this is and Understand that you are going to be okay, and you can be okay, and how you get to be okay is really important In fact, if you walked into a therapist's office the early start the early stages of therapy for an anxiety disorder would involve a lot of what we call psychoeducation and Much of psychoeducation is just providing you with information that assures you that we know what this is and it's going to be okay Everybody needs that that is not a problem and sometimes and this is a little bit of a pet peeve of mine And I understand social media is certainly not perfect But the word reassurance gets thrown around so much in the anxiety community Especially in the OCD community and social media that often when people ask questions they are immediately shut down and told that's reassurance seeking we're not answering that question go away and Sometimes that is the correct answer correct and air quotes if you will but sometimes it is not Because if this person is new on their journey and doesn't understand what's going on and has never asked those questions before They should ask those questions and those questions should be answered So before if you're listening to me now, and you are active in social media circles in this community Before you immediately shut somebody down that you don't know by telling them you're seeking reassurance Stop that you might want to find out where they are in their journey because as I just mentioned Productive assurance seeking is an important part of the educational process that forms the foundation of recovery So we cannot just automatically tell everybody that they're seeking reassurance. That is not true So there is nuance and there is context there and it's important to recognize So if you see somebody asking questions, and you think they shouldn't be asking unless you really understand their situation You might want to just let it go and see if somebody else can answer the question It would be better for them to not get an answer than to get shut down inappropriately if you will So that little rant over we want to talk about when Productive assurance seeking at the beginning of the process begins to go off the rails You know it's starting to go off the rails when it's a thing that you begin to do again and again And again So if somebody like me tells you oh what you're having is panic attacks They're not dangerous They're really scary and you've learned to be afraid of them And now this is why you're having a hard time leaving your house and driving and doing all the things where you think panic might be triggered We tell you that and you say yeah, but it feels like I'm gonna die and we say well you won't die I know it feels really scary, but nobody dies for a panic attack after you've been told that for example I know that's not the only fear insert your fear here, but for example once you've been told that 10 times at the beginning of the journey you will start to recognize that you keep asking that again and again and again or Your fear begins to shift well, okay I'm not so much worried about dying now But now I feel like I'm worried about going crazy Then you start to ask about that again and again and again What it will I have a psychotic break or you might to add you might start to ask will I pass out or you might start to Worry that people will judge you or you will be embarrassed or ashamed during a panic attack And you'll begin to try to seek reassurance about that So either the single fear stays and you just keep asking again and again and again to have that question Answered to have your fear soothed and taken away temporarily Or you'll find that the fear theme begins to shift and you find yourself asking about different themes again and again And again until it shifts to the next one and you're back in the cycle So let's acknowledge for a second that the idea of being given reassurance Seems to make from a human standpoint common sense seems to make sense Put yourself in a position where there's a human being standing in front of you They are in a state of distress and they are asking you to take that away from them or sooth them and make them feel better Well from a person standpoint just a human a kind of standpoint common sense would say well I'm gonna try and make this person feel better. I need to fix this for them They're asking me to tell them that it's going to be okay, and so I'll tell them Why wouldn't you tell them I get that so that's one of the insidious things about the Unproductive cycle of continual reassurance seeking is that at face value giving somebody reassurance that everything's going to be okay? seems like a very kind thing to do and in in a non-disordered state in Regular life if you will more air quotes regular life Everybody needs to hear that it's going to be okay every human being once in a while in life needs to be told It's going to be okay I know the shit is hitting the fan, but it's going to be okay And we need to hear that we like it and makes us feel better and it helps us get on firm footing again I get that our support people will tell us it's going to be okay So we have to be mindful of the fact that basic human kindness And especially if you're more prone to be a helper or a fixer or a supporter Means that you may feed into somebody's reassurance cycle and for the suffering person It makes perfect sense to them to keep asking again and again and again because they want to feel better Right then in there in that moment so acknowledge Assurance good now we're moving into reassurance where it starts to become pervasive and never ending and it's never enough and the questions never stop Now we recognize that now we can recognize that answering the questions Makes sense from the helper standpoint because common sense says you help a person who wants to be told it's going to be okay And from the sufferer side it makes sense to keep asking because when they tell me it's going to be okay I feel better Except I feel better for a week then I feel better for a few days Then it only lasts a day then it starts to only last a couple of hours before I'm asking again And if you are suffering from these type of problems that I talked about in this podcast You might be familiar with that where that the length of time that that reassurance has effect begins to shrink It's smaller and smaller and smaller till you find yourself asking over and over and over in rapid succession So that's when you start to see like wait a minute this this common sense thing That's designed to make me feel better when I need to feel better is Going off the rails and on the other side from the helper or supporter standpoint You start to realize something's not right here because I'm being asked this question again and again and again And it doesn't seem to be sticking and you wonder because in plain old life if you will well When we tell somebody hey listen, they're really struggling Maybe they haven't a hard time with work or they just broke up with a partner like it's gonna be okay And in the end they get that and they move on they don't ask you again and again But here we're in a situation where oh, you know the rules get flipped over the table gets turned over Nothing makes sense anymore. And how come they don't believe me? I just told them this ten times last week another asking me again oops, sorry about that Notification sounds and then from the sufferer standpoint you understand in a moment of calmness Wait a minute. Why do we keep asking the same questions again and again again? Why can't my brain believe this? But so you recognize the repetitive cycle that you're stuck in But then when the shit hits the fan and you're really afraid because you're panicking or you have a big anxiety spike Or that intrusive thought pops in that you hate and you fear so much in that moment the cycle be damned I'm gonna ask again, and I will demand that you make me feel better right now by giving me reassurance again So why does this become problematic? Why is it a thing that we really should be trying to break? Why is it a habit that we need to get over and get away from because it seems like common sense to soothe your fear? Immediately when it pops up, but here's the problem if you do that first of all you will discover quickly That it becomes incredibly repetitive that there's never enough an anxiety disorder will take as much Reassurance as you can give it and then it will ask for more and more and more and it will never end So I think if you're listening to this podcast and you've been dealing with this stuff long enough you recognize this I can't stop doing it. It never ends and it's never ever enough The theme shift the question the questions change and then I ask that question for three weeks Then I ask another question for four weeks. It never ends Recognize that what this is constant reassurance seeking as opposed to productive assurance at the beginning of the the process Constant unproductive maladaptive reassurance seeking is a coping strategy You are in distress and I you want to feel better Immediately in that moment and the coping strategy that you decide to use is to ask something outside of you a Partner a friend a family member a significant other your Facebook support group an internet form Google doesn't matter It's something outside your own skin I will go to something outside my own skin to tell me that I'm going to be okay and assure me again Reassure again re re reassure that I'm going to be okay so it is a coping strategy that we develop to ease that sense of distress in the moment and Maybe it lasts in the beginning it might last for a week or two or a month But then suddenly you find yourself where it lasts for maybe an hour Some days on the hard days it doesn't even last for an hour And then you're back at it again and again and again And you're consumed by this question all day long and this is fear all day long So it's a coping strategy, but is a temporary coping strategy It's sort of a common-sense thing that we think we should do feel better and it goes off the rails And it just it doesn't work. It only works very temporarily So why is that a problem? People will say well, what's wrong with that? Why can't I just be told every day that I'm gonna be okay, and I'll get on with my life Ah, but you can't get on with your life, and you probably have seen this if you're listening to this podcast Why can't you get on with your life because no amount of reassurance will ever be enough? So you'll just keep asking more and more and more and more and more often and you'll ask different questions And they'll just keep coming you guys know this if you're listening you probably in the thick of this right now And sometimes that becomes really disruptive when it comes to relationships You start to be at odds with your online support people you start to be at odds with your therapists You start to be at odds with your partner and your family and your BFF They start to become worn down by these questions that get asked again and again and again Then emotions get raw because they're feeling sort of worn down and you're feeling like they've they're abandoning you Nobody's supporting me. They don't understand so it is not a Practical strategy to say I will just live the rest of my life asking anybody around me if I'm gonna be okay anytime I get scared and that's how I'll do this That doesn't work Because we cannot maintain the semblance of like a normal life without this disrupting it in a big way It's really important to understand that So the issue is that you if you do it that way and you use that as your go-to default coping strategy You never actually learn a core lesson of recovery, which is I'm really afraid I'm in a state of distress But I can navigate through that myself I can get through this if I don't fight it if I learn to serve through it I will come out the other side and I will see Experientially the best way to learn through my own Experience and not through the words of other people me included drew included the best way for me to learn that I'm okay is to see an experience that I am okay I'm uncomfortable. I'm afraid. I feel distress. I feel uncertain, but in the end I wind up okay I'm still standing. I'm still here I did it and if you immediately run to external sources to soothe your discomfort and your distress with their words or Google search every time you get worked up. You never learn that lesson. You never learn it That's important. So that's why it's so important to start to break the habit of constant reassurance seeking We need those lessons That is difficult Why is it difficult because like I just said it's really counterintuitive the common-sense thing is I feel really bad Make me feel better now soothe me now give me words now. I need it now and from the helper standpoint I mean even sometimes professional qualified trained helpers can get trapped in that we're human beings We want to help each other and so it can be really Hard to break what seems like a very kind compassionate caring habit that really turned into an enabling habit over time It's making things worse so it's hard to go against your sense of kindness and compassion if you're a helper and It's hard to go against your sense of I need to feel better right now if you're the sufferer So what direction do you want to start to face? The way I would look at this and I will look at it from the helper or the supporter Standpoint so if you're the person stuck in this situation where you're asking every day because you're always afraid Put yourself in the position of a helper somebody that loves you forget your therapist forget a doctor It's just a helper your friend your partner your mom your whatever The best conversation to have with that person to start to change direction and begin to break the habit of reassurance seeking Would be for that person to tell you I know that right now you are terrified and Indistress and feeling uncertain and vulnerable and like something bad is about to happen But it has never happened your anxious brain has always been wrong And I know you want so badly for me to tell you you're gonna be okay But I know that I can cheer for you and stand by you while you learn that for yourself without my words That is a powerful shift. That is a very powerful shift So if you want to ask again and again and again if you will go crazy or have a psychotic break when your anxiety level gets too High the and the best answer and this is an answer I tend to give people online once I know that they've been down this road over and over as I will say I know what you want me to tell you, but I would I know that you can learn this by yourself You can go through this you can tolerate this you can navigate through this and you can prop yourself up You don't need me to use my words to soothe your fear again, and you don't learn any lessons So I think it's really important to understand that maybe the people around you want to help you But the best way they can begin to help you would be to encourage you and cheer for you and remind you of your strength and your power While you don't get that reassurance and you have to navigate through the choppy waters on your own Now if you are the person asking the question in those moments where you feel like I can't keep doing this I have to stop this it is a reasonable conversation to have with your support people I'm gonna make a deal with you the next time I ask you again if I'm going crazy or if my skin looks weird Or if I look like I'm okay. I don't want you to answer me I want you to remind me what I'm doing you're seeking that reassurance again I have please tell me that you know that I can do this on my own That's a reasonable way to set the table because in the end we get reassurance from our friends from our families from our partners We get reassurance on the internet sometimes so in a calmer moment. You may have to make a deal with yourself I will not go to my Facebook. I mean I have a big Facebook group full of people that are suffering from these problems Like if you're in the group, you know that there's not a lot of reassurance seeking because people begin to understand Like well, I'm not really gonna get it here in this group So you start to understand well I'm gonna go over there and say like hey guys listen I'm really afraid right now somebody just remind me that I can do this that is that is a great use of your support system Be it online or in person as opposed to can somebody I feel like I'm gonna die No, I'm really struggling right now. I'm really afraid again Can somebody please remind me that I can do this that I'm capable That's a great way to start to change that you still can access support and Encouragement and people that will cheer for you because they care for you But you you also learn to go through it yourself Without asking them to take away your discomfort or soothe your fear that is not easy it is not easy and You will mess up sometimes. That's okay in a moment of weakness and fear Which is okay. Everybody goes through that you will make a mistake if you will and ask for reassurance. That's okay But one thing I would say that's important to remember as you begin to break the cycle And I'm gonna wrap this up here because I think I've rambled enough but as you begin to work to break the cycle of continual repetitive reassurance seeking remember that this is an emotional thing so Often when you get into that really difficult moment and you forget and you and you want to be Soothed and reassured in that moment and somebody knows the deal They've made with you and they understand what you're doing and they're trying to help you in the most productive way possible and they Kindly and compassionately refuse to do that instead want a route for you to go through it yourself It is very common in the the most Uncomfortable moments to get angry and feel abandoned and lash out all I want is why can't you just nobody's understanding? Nobody supports me. No, I'm not getting any support anymore Understand that that's gonna happen sometimes. So if you are the sufferer Recognize when that's happening. It's going to happen sometimes because this gets so emotional if I'm feeling so afraid And like I'm in such danger and I just want you to help me and you step away from me instead of toward me Man, I might get really angry at that in a moment of distress That's gonna happen and if you're supporting people who have this problem Recognize that they're gonna get really angry and they might lash out at you and accuse you of being unsupportive and abandoning them In that moment. It's so important the helpers do play a role like listen. I know you're really angry with me Let's talk about this again in 15 minutes because I know you can get through those 15 minutes then we'll talk about this Difficult it's gonna get a little messy. It's gonna get emotional. There's gonna be tempers There's gonna be you know accusations. There's probably gonna be all of those things just expect that and know that like, okay Nobody's abandoning anybody. Nobody's being cruel to anybody As long as the parameters are known and these are conversations that have been had and you recognize the mechanisms at play Then you can get through this you can get through the moments of distress and you can get through the breaking of the habit of constant reassurance seeking and believe me it is hard work But it is worth doing because when you begin to be able to stand on your own You find that you're not asking anymore and you just know I don't have to ask because they know I'm gonna be okay Because I've seen it so many times and I can do this you start to feel competent You start to feel powerful you start to feel in control again and believe it or not This can really improve your relationship with the people that are important to you Sometimes it improve your relationship either with your therapist or your doctor with your support group Like even those relationships can be improved when you come to it standing a little bit more on your own two feet and People are happy for you because they can see you starting to feel your own power and understand Oh, I have I have a say in this man. I can do this So that is assurance good thing. So not every question is reassurance seeking sometimes It's productive assurance seeking there's nothing wrong with that. We got to accommodate that We want that then there's this cycle that never ends that gets us stuck and sort of stands in the way of the Critical lessons of recovery and then there's how we can start to break that by recognizing I gotta make different deals with my support Structures here and I have to make a different deal with myself And I have to be willing to navigate through this uncertainty and this distress and this comfort on my own a few times Start to learn from that and That is in a nutshell That's the whole idea of reassurance and why it's bad why we got a break in and white productive assurance is a good thing So I think I've said enough words on this it went longer than I thought what a surprise my podcast went longer than I thought it would that never happens, right? If you've been listening to me long enough, you know that that is I should just stop saying that they're gonna be short cuz they are so Rarely short. All right 25 minutes. We are done. You know, it's over because music That is after glow by my friend Bendrake who wrote this song inspired at least in part by this podcast several years ago and has Been kind enough to let me use it at the beginning of most episodes the end of everyone for the past several years So if you want to know more about Ben in that song if you've grown accustomed to it Go to his website at Bendrake music comm if you are listening to this podcast on Apple Podcasts or Spotify or some platform that has a rating and a review system Leave a five-star rating if you're digging the podcast and maybe take a minute and write a review because that helps more people find The podcast and then we get to help more people Which is why I started talking into this microphone in 2014 to begin with and if you're watching on YouTube then like the video Subscribe to the channel hit the notification bell so you know every time I upload new content and leave a comment I promise every week or so I circle back through YouTube and I do answer the comments there I really like you guys and the and the interaction over there, so I promise I'll get back to you I really will and that's it. Hopefully this has been helpful to you. Leave a comment leave a question We'll talk about it some more Think I'm done. I have nothing else to say to you guys You know that I'll be back next week with another podcast episode I will not I do not know what I'm gonna talk about that Oh, I actually do know what I'm gonna talk about then because it's not gonna be just me I have some special guests next week on the podcast that you will recognize I'm super excited about it like we're recording it later, but for now I'm out That's the end of episode 241 and remember as always this is the way