 The Jack Benny Program! Tilly Forty-Sale! Hallty-Tilly. Building on this... Building on this... Building on this... Building on this... Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. L-S-M-F-T! L-S-M-F-T! L-S-M-F-T! You said it. Yes, sir. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. At Forty-Sale... At Forty-Sale... At Forty-Sale... At Forty-Sale... At Forty-Sale... Quality of product is essential to continuing success. And lucky strike means fine tobacco, so round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. When it comes to real deep down smoking enjoyment, remember these five words. Lucky strike means fine tobacco. Yes, lucky strike means fine tobacco, the finer, the lighter, the naturally milder lucky strike tobacco. So for your own real deep down smoking enjoyment, smoke that smoke of fine tobacco, lucky strike, so round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. And for that Christmas present, remember LSMFT. Suggestion, a carton of cigarettes for Christmas. No gift offers so much for so little. So say Merry Christmas with a carton of lucky strike. Scram starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Larry Stevens and yours truly, God willing. Ladies and gentlemen, two weeks ago Jack Benny had dinner at Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman's house. And tonight as a typical good neighbor, Jack has invited the Coleman's over to his house. So let's go out to Beverly Hills where we find Jack preparing for the arrival of his distinguished guests. Well, I'm almost dressed, Rochester. Uh-huh. How do I look in my, how do I look in my striped pants and swallowtail coat? You look like a master of slam hones at fours long. Now Rochester, when you're serving dinner tonight, remember, serve the tomato juice first, then the salad, then the meat, and then the vegetables. I'm glad you brought that up, boss. I want to ask you about the peas. What about the peas? Do you want me to spoon them out or count them out? Spoon them out tonight. There's nothing too good for the Coleman's. And don't forget, for dessert, we're having a flaming plum pudding. How do you fix it, boss? Well, you take the plum pudding and put it in a bowl. Uh-huh. Then you take a pint of brandy, good brandy, and a real old brandy, and you pour it over the pudding. Continue, boss. You fascinate me. Then you take a match and set fire to the brandy. You what? You take a match and set fire to the brandy. Boss, I doubt it, boss. Have the heart. Just do as I tell you. See you later. Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle dum-da-ding. Gee, I hope the gang got all those contest letters cleaned up. I don't want the Coleman's to find out that so many people can't stand me. Well, kids, are you about to finish with the mail? We're all through, Jack, except for those entries over there in the corner. Why haven't you opened those? They're still ticking. Ticking? You mean, hey, there's one that's smoking. Quick down, throw it out the window. Okay. I wonder why the... Fine Christmas spirit. That... that thing could've... Hello, Mr. Benny. Huh? Who are you? I was just passing by and something blew me in. Well, Merry Christmas. The same to you. Goodbye. Goodbye. Now, kids, we've got to get all these letters read because the contest ends tomorrow night, December 24th, you know. Say, Jack, listen to this letter I just opened. I think it's from a Scotch girl. A Scotch girl? What does it say? I can't stand Jack Benny because his nose is warmer than mine. Sign lassie. Oh, she's just mad because she read that big story about me in Newsweek. Anyway, kids, never mind the rest of those letters. Mr. and Mrs. Coleman will be here for dinner soon. I also invited their friend, Jack Wellington. So please be on your best behavior, especially you, Phil. Me? Yes, you. Just for tonight, don't bring your jug to the table with you. Please. Now, wait a minute, Jackson. Have you ever tried eating that meat straight? I know it's awful, Phil, but do it just as a favor to me. And another thing, Phil, when you take the jacket off the baked potato, you're not supposed to go, it's only a potato. And Don. Yes, Jack? Don, when Rochester offers you a third helping, try to refuse, will you? Or at least say well before you die then. And Mary. Oh, Jack, don't try to tell me anything about eating. You better listen to him, let he was eating 30 years before you were born. Phil, your Christmas present isn't so big that I can't carry it back to the store. So don't try to give... Oh, hello, Polly. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Say, kids, kids, don't you think my Christmas tree is a beauty? Look how big it is. It sure is, Mr. Benny. Where did you get it? Well, I'll tell you, kid, a man drove through Beverly Hills with that tree laying on top of his car and Jackson was right behind him. Phil, Jackson knew about the sharp curve in the road and the man didn't. Phil, please, Christmas trees are very sentimental to me. In fact, I used to go out in the woods and cut down my own tree, but I gave that up. Yeah, it's so hard to find one with packages under it. Yeah. Anyway, this is the best Christmas tree I've ever had. And look at all those presents. Say, Mr. Benny, what's in that great big box over there all tied up with that red and green ribbon? That's there every year, kid. It's a decoy. It is not. Oh, boss, boss. What is it, Rochester? Dinner tonight, do you want French bread, raisin bread, or English muffins? Hmm, English muffins. Are they the real English muffins? Harvey, I cut one of them open and found two tickets to a cricket match. Well, you can't go, you've got work to do. And by the way, I hired, I hired an English butler to help me serve tonight so the Coleman's will feel at home. He should be here any minute. Gosh, I bet right now, Ronnie and Vanita are sitting on pins and needles waiting to leave their house. Right here in the library, Vanita. It's almost eight o'clock. It's time for us to go over to Mr. Benny's house. Have you forgotten? Oh, no, no, I haven't forgotten. It's been on my mind all week. Perhaps we can phone and make some excuse. No, no, darling, we can't do that. He's probably gone to a great deal of trouble preparing dinner. In fact, just this afternoon, his butler, and, oh, what's his butler's name again, um... Manchester? Yeah, Manchester. Well, he came to the back door and wanted to borrow some sugar, so I gave him a saucer full. You gave him a saucer full? Yes, they already have all our cups. Yes. Yes, I wondered why Sherwood served my afternoon tea in a Dixie cup. But I guess you're right, Vanita. Maybe we should go. I'll never forget when Benny invited us to his house three years ago, and we didn't show up. You know, it made him so angry, he wrote a letter to Britain asking for his bundle back. Probably sensitive, and... Well, he's getting late. You better start dressing. With, yes, and I mustn't forget to take Jack Benny's shoes back to him. His shoes? Yes, he slipped them off when he was having dinner here two weeks ago. You know, I've never seen such interesting shoes. There's so many secret pockets in them. And there's a little device in there where you wiggle your toes and it makes change. Who's belonged to Mr. Benny? I should have known they weren't yours when I saw the box spring in the art support. I noticed that, too. By the way, Vanita, who was invited to the dinner besides us? Well, I understand there'll be Mary Livingston. She's on his program, you know. Mary Livingston. Didn't she, at one time, work behind the stock encounter at the May Company? Yes, and I can't understand her giving up a good job like that. Oh, yes, besides Mary Livingston, there'll be that Phil Harris fellow. Oh, yes, Hamhawks and Turnip Greens. Dave Vanita, couldn't we phone and say that Uncle Oswald is ill and that we have to go and visit him? You can't do that. After all, Mr. Benny lives right next door. You'll see our lights and know we're home. Oh, yes, yes. Even that 30-foot fence doesn't keep him from peeping in on you. Creeping along his side of the fence with a Paris coat. A most remarkable fellow. I do hope Mr. Benny doesn't insist on playing that violin tonight. Oh, why, Vanita? Why did you have to bring that up? For 10 years, I've been plagued with love in bloom. I've hoped, I've wished. Yes, even prayed for a minor disaster, a fire, a tornado, even termites, anything. But destroy that violin. Good job. Well, if you can't be stopped, then in the name of heaven, let him play right. Give him the will. Give him the strength. Give him the talent to hit that high note. But he's got short fingers. Every day for 10 years, it's been love in bloom. And now it's a new one. Kiss me once and kiss me twice. And da, da, da, da, da. Sorry, dear, but I didn't mean to lose my temper. Well, cheer up, darling. I'm sure we'll have a lovely evening at Mr. Benny's. I hope so. Perhaps he'll eat a lot and fall asleep early. In a minute, Mary, I'm busy. All of us are pretty high-class people. They don't go places just to eat. Now, let me practice. I'll have to get a new string. That was a door buzzer. Oh, say, maybe that's the... English buttoner I ordered. Have you had much experience at serving? Oh, yeah, sure. Right in the kitchen and get started. What's your name? I'll just call you Nottingham. It was the English buttoner I hired. For tonight, I'm calling him Nottingham. Do you think that's English enough? Why don't you call him the White Cliffs of Dover? No, no, that's too long. Hey, Jackson, why don't you call him Heath Cliff? Heath Cliff? Sure, you're trying to pull a bluff. Phil said they ought to hang you up instead of your stocking. You can say that again. Oh, that must be the Coleman's now. I'll give it to you. No more, Rochester. That's why I got the English buttoner. Nottingham, answer the door, please. Good evening, Mr. Benny is expecting us. Oh, come in, come in, come in. I'll have to call the waiting room and the drawer room. And what was that? Oh, come in, come in, come in. I'll have to call the waiting room and the drawer room. Oh, the fellow who sells the tobacco. Are you going to have us over? Oh, it's a pleasure indeed. Nottingham, take Mr. and Mrs. Coleman's hat, coat, and canoe. You know, Jack, I just made an awful mistake. I didn't know you had a second butler. Oh, yes, yes, he's English, you know. But his English accent is so thick. Well, he's been there twice. Twice, you know. Well, if he ever goes back again, he'll choke to death. Yes, yes. Come, come, let's go into the drawing room. By the way, Mr. Benny, where is Manchester? What? What did you say? Uh, where is Manchester? Oh, oh, Manchester. Well, you go out, Sepulveda, Bullock. No, Jack, uh, Jack, Benita means Manchester, your butler. Oh, oh, that's Rochester. Rochester. Let Nottingham do it. Benita, my butler's name is Rochester. He's in the kitchen getting the grub, getting dinner ready. Come, let's go into the drawing room. I want you to meet my associates. Here we are. Mr. Mrs. Colon, this is my radio cast. How do you do? How do you do, Mr. Mrs. Colon? Hi, your Ronnie, Benita. What do you hear from the teen crumpets? You know, Ronnie, he's filled with such an unruly blighter. You should excuse the expression. By the way, Ronnie, I have a little surprise for you this evening. I also invited your friend Jack Wellington to dinner. Wellington, splendid. Did you care that, Benita? Yes, isn't that nice? Sit down, folks. We'll have cocktails in just a few minutes. I hope you'll pardon the way my house looks, but I've been so busy opening mail. Oh, that reminds me. How is your I Can't Stand Jack Benny radio contest coming along? Oh, wonderful, wonderful. Of course, it ends tomorrow night. So, Benita, if you want to get your letter in, be sure it's postmarked before midnight, December 24th. You know, Jack just received a citation in Congress because of all the national unity. His I Can't Stand Jack Benny contest is promoting. Was that national unity? Yes, it's the first time in history that the Republicans and Democrats agree on the same thing. Yes, sir, that's me. Yep. Oh, Ronnie, look at that Christmas tree. Isn't it beautiful? Yes, it certainly is. I suppose you folks have a nice Christmas tree, too. Well, we bought a nice tree, but while we were driving home, a peculiar thing happened. Yes, Ronnie made a sharp turn, and that's the last we saw of it. Oh, oh, that's a shame. Well, how about some cocktails? What would you like, Ronnie? Oh, nothing right now, thanks, Jack. But after dinner, perhaps a little B&B? Oh, so, well, I have for dinner, I always have an S&S. S&S? What's that? Half soda and half sympathy soothing, sir. Yes, it's awfully good. Hold this, please, please, please, please. What? Oh, he must mean that Wellington is here. Oh, come right in, come right in. Hello, Benny, old boy. Ronnie Benita. Wellington. Mr. Benny told us you were coming. Mr. Wellington, this is my radio gang here. It's Mary, Phil, Don and Larry. Oh, do what? Well, we're all here now. Hey, Wellington, you lost half your glasses. Phil, that's a minor call. Say, Wellington, I should tell you, we had a letter from Wickersham the other day. Wickersham? Well, well, how is the old duffer? Oh, he sounded cheerful enough. What a sense of humor he has. Yeah, well, that reminds you. Why don't you tell Mr. Benny and his friends that amusing anecdote Wickersham always tells at dinner parties? Oh, yes, yes. Now, let's see. Now, how does that go? While you're thinking about it, I can play a solo, I might... Oh, I have it. I have it. Good. Go ahead, Wellie, tell that amusing story. Well, it seems that there was a rather old cordier in London who was somewhat hard of hearing, and he was riding on a westbound tram toward... No, no, no. Wellington, it was an eastbound tram. Oh, yes. He was riding on an eastbound tram. He was going to Trafalgar Square, the southbound tram. I, Joe Bonita, you're right. It was a southbound tram. Well, anyway, he wanted to get off at Wembley Station. Oh, you see, Jack, Wembley is the station where the tram stops. Oh, good. I thought the man wanted a jump-off. Well, anyway, this old cordier turned to the woman standing next to him and said... Wasn't it a man standing next to him? No, no, it was... By Joe, it was a man. Anybody here care to shoot a game of pool? Anyway, he turned to the man standing next to him and inquired, is this Wembley? And the man said... Wait, wait, you forgot to mention that the second chap was hard of hearing, too. Oh, yes, yes. That's important. Well, he turned to this stranger and asked, is this Wembley? And the stranger who was hard of hearing said, no, this isn't Wembley, this is Thursday. So the old cordier... I say, did I tell you that this old cordier was also hard of hearing? Oh, yes, yes. You told him that when you mentioned it was a westbound tram. A southbound. Oh, yes, yes, yes, Trafalgar Square, that's right. So the old cordier who was hard of hearing said, Thursday, so am I. Let's get off and have a drink. Southbound tram, Trafalgar Square. That was a very amusing story, Mr. Welling. Very funny. Would you folks care for a cigarette? Yes, thank you. Southbound tram, Trafalgar Square, Trafalgar... You see, these cigarettes I just gave you are lucky strikes. They are made of the finer, the lighter, the naturally milder tobacco. Well, that's interesting, isn't it now? He got off at Wembley's station because he was hard of hearing. And you notice that lucky strikes are so round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. How enchanting. Please go on, Mr. Welling. And the second chap got off the tram because it was so fully packed. No, no, that was a woman by Joe. That's right. And that's the reason LSMFT is so popular. LSMFT stands for Lucky Strike Means Fine Tobacco. Amazing, amazing. Yes, just think of it. LSMFT. Lucky Strike Means Fine Tobacco. Deucidly clever, isn't it? So when the stranger said, this is Thursday, the man who was hard of hearing said, so am I, let's get off and have a drink. Oh, yes, Thursday, Thursday. Come to Cocktail. Set them right over here, Nottingham. Dinner will be ready pretty soon and I can't tell you how happy I am that you were all able to come over, but this time, so close to Christmas. Thank you, Jack. And since it is so close to Christmas, I think it would be nice if we had Larry Stevens sing an appropriate song. Good, good. By all means. Are you ready, Larry? Yes, Mr. Benny. Right ahead. Here, let me sit next to you, Mary. Now, folks, let's all have a cocktail before we go into dinner. That's fine. And Jack, if you don't mind, I'd like to propose a toast. Of course, Ronnie. We'd love to have you do it. I propose a toast to the world. A world which has just survived and costliest of all human conflicts. A world which has so nearly led back to the dark ages of oppression and slavery by cruel and greedy men who traded in hate. It seems impossible that there could be any more suffering than mankind has just endured, but it is possible and it will happen if we lose sight of the lessons so bitterly learned. Let us remember that men everywhere are our neighbors and their right to life and freedom is as precious to them as ours is to us. So here's a toast to all the people in the world. May we, by working together for a lofty purpose and with God's help, achieve the goal that mankind for 20 centuries has striven for. Peace on earth, goodwill to men. Merry Christmas, everybody. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, everybody. Welcome to Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman and their friend Mr. Wellington for spending the evening with us. And I and my whole gang want to wish everybody everywhere a very merry Christmas. Good night. Gentlemen, the contest ends tomorrow December 24th at midnight. If you haven't sent in your entry, do it now. Just complete this sentence, I can't stand Jack Benny because in 50 words or less and mail your letter to the Jack Benny contest Hollywood 28, California. Prizes will total $10,000 in victory bonds and in case of a tie, duplicate prizes will be awarded. The board of judges include Goodman Ace of the Easy Aces and Peter Laurie. And the supreme and final judge will be the honorable Fred Allen. The decision of the judges will be final and all letters become the property of Jack Benny including the rights to publish. This contest is open to everyone except the employees of the American Tobacco Company its agents and the National Broadcasting Company. It is subject to all federal and state laws and regulations. This is the National Broadcasting Company.