 So if you've ever heard about you know avoiding detachment style and avoiding detachment style is typically you know you think of somebody who enters into relationships or open to relationships But once things start to get a little bit serious or they get a bit more intimate in the relationship The person pulls away and they put up a boundary or they become quite avoidant literally avoidant of intimacy so You know a lot of people talk about this and it's like to see it as a kind of a personal defect or a flaw that has to be Fixed and in fact all of these attachment styles we have people talked about talk about them apart from one attachment style Talk about them like oh, I really need to work on this or I'm broken or something wrong with me and That's really the wrong way to think about this Okay, if you don't know that there's four different types of attachment that we have and these kind of typically just explain How how we interact? What's the dynamic going to be like for us when we're in intimate relationships? So the first one is the secure attachment style, which is They say about 50% of the population is secure, which I don't buy. I don't know about you I think it's I think it's much much lower than that, but this is people who are typically Pretty comfortable exploring intimate relationships. They have no problem trusting the other person It's typically considered the you know, the healthy one the healthy attachment to have all of these attachments are linked back to how we Experience childhood. Okay, and our relationships with our primary caregivers. So there's a secure type That's typically, you know, the healthy one then we have the avoidant attachment style Which we're focusing on here a little bit and the avoidant one is much more about It's that it's that pull push the person pulls in or wants the relationship But then pushes away when it gets into intimacy So it's an avoidance The other one is the anxious attachment style and that's much more about Feeling, you know deeply insecure in the relationship that this person isn't going to love me There can be a lot of trust issues and fear of abandonment with that one Again, you can think back to where that comes from a childhood And the final one is the disorganized style, which is much rarer But that's to do with well typically in childhood if there's a lot of fear in the child's experience Maybe fear of the parent or the parent themselves has a lot of fear It can dysregulate the the attachment for the child and it becomes disorganized But so none of these should be seen as personal defects The whole point of attachment theory really is to I think the way I use it is to think about it in terms of okay If I can learn this about myself what my attachment style is It's not it's not pointing out a defect that I have it's pointing out. What do I need now in my life? Okay, so the the avoidant type a Lot of people kind of complain about it because it can lead to problems in relationships in terms of People would say things like well this person with the avoidant attachment style was very very charming at the start of the relationship and They you know, they they held a space for the other person to Reveal a lot about themselves emotionally, but looking back, you know, they avoidant type didn't really share anything emotionally so It can also be very very hurtful especially say if the other person is an anxious attachment type To be with the avoidant that's kind of like the combination that people kind of talk about the most has been the most difficult because The anxious type will come into that space. That's held by the avoidant and when the avoidant pulls away inevitably It's going to lead to a lot of insecurity and anxiety so There can be a lot of issues around this Does the avoidant need to fix their intimacy fears things like that do they need to Sort of feel safer to experience intimacy in the relationship the way I think about it is this what Was it that led to the avoidant attachment style in the first place for that person Typically, it's going to be in the primary caregiver Experience for that that child who develops the avoidant attachment style There will be a lack of interest in the internal life of that child so they may have all their physical needs met but a lack of Looking in to see what this person's perspectives are what's their personality like this can come about maybe by two ways It can be just a kind of a Lack of interest and in difference towards this aspect of the the child or the opposite can be true If the the parent can in mesh or superimpose their own preferences in will on and for what the child's Is or so they're trying to kind of almost live vicariously. Maybe true the child and That's sort of like bulldoze is the child's personality out of the way And the child is no opportunity to develop a sense of self or to develop Boundaries or preferences for what it is that they want in life So that is that experience shows up later in the avoidance attachment style in relationships But think about it this way. What does the avoidant need? the avoidant attachment style Needs to develop a sense of self Okay, because that's what they were missing in childhood So in other words what I'm saying here is it's completely understandable for the person who has the avoidant attachment style to not want to go into intimacy because that's a Blurring it can be a blurring of of boundaries. It's almost like another enmeshment experience where another person's Point of view and perspective and feelings are considered Okay, and then to put it that way it sounds bad But from the person the perspective of the person with the avoidant attachment style is what they need is to develop a strong sense of Self and that's going to be done by looking at what their own Emotional needs are because that's the thing that was really ignored for a long long time So on a practical level What the avoidant can do is to be very very clear with other people about what their boundaries are what they're looking for in relationships Okay, so it can be very very clear if they're if they're starting to see someone in a relationship They can say look, I'm not really interested in anything Serious at the moment until maybe a certain point when they do feel they have developed a strong enough sense of self or An intimacy with their own emotional needs that then they can start to explore in their relationships more earnestly That's probably one of the complaints that that People have about the avoidant attachment style dating a person or being in a relationship with them is that they they're not clear about what they want So there's nothing wrong with what they want. Some of the issues come about when they're not clear about what it is that they want So no, it's not this issue of yes You have to as an avoidant you have to force yourself into a relationship and deal with it because that's how you're going to learn To be an intimate relationships. It's to respect. This is my attachment style and it developed for a very good reason It developed because I didn't get it strong enough sense of self or An awareness of what my own emotional needs are and that's really where I should be focused right now To be honest, I've seen this so many times When we're in relationships in intimate relationships, and we're not really aware of what our own emotional needs are You know, this is this work over here We go into relationships not knowing what they are and it's going to lead to all sorts of conflict in the relationship And by saying that you have to be perfect at knowing what your emotional needs are to be in a relationship No, because that would mean nobody's ever in a relationship. But what I'm saying is we always have We always have an obligation to be aware of and to be meeting what our own emotional needs are this self-parent thing Thing that I've talked about in the past. That is basically what it is to meet your own emotional needs So There's nothing wrong with an avoidant attachment style. If there's no anything wrong with it It's about not clearly communicating what they want in an intimate relationship Beyond that, it's absolutely fine same with the anxious or insecure attachment style Again, it's completely understandable that a person with that attachment style Needs reassurances and again, it's about being clear about what they want from the other person and having the courage To be able to communicate that very very clearly From the out from the off in relationships really So the only takeaway from that is in general what I would say is stop seeing your your attachment style It's not it's this thing about there's only one good attachment style and the other ones are kind of bad Okay, that's that's really the entirely wrong way to think about this even like a disorganized one That person is going to require a lot of emotional support for people in their life support systems and a lot of stability in their life and Is there a defect with the the disorganized attachment style? It makes perfect sense given what that person lived through So it's not a defect in the person themselves It's basically just a call for what this person given this person now what they didn't get when they were younger That's it So guys, I hope that concept is useful. Maybe it's a different way for you to think about attachment styles in general and I hope it was helpful and I'll see you again soon. Bye for now