 My name is Sam Baknin and I'm the author of Malignan Self-Lover, Narcissism Revisited. How do divorced men or women know when they are ready to begin dating again? Is there a standard time period one should wait or should it be based on how far along one is in the healing process? How soon is too soon to get back into a serious relationship? The answer is that there is a delicate balance to be maintained between the need to process the trauma of divorce, to recuperate, to heal, to recover, and the need to maintain the interpersonal skills essential to dating and later to bonding and pair formation, pairing. The main problem may be the temporary suspension of the ability to trust, to open up, to render oneself emotionally vulnerable and to reciprocate, the pain of divorce so enormous and so all-consuming that narcissistic defenses kick in and the new divorcee is often unable to empathize and selflessly interact with potential partners. So my advice is to listen to your inner voice. You know best. Do not let yourself be coerced, cajoled and pushed into dating prematurely. You will know when you are ready. But then should you go the route of real-life dating or should you first try online dating? The only reason a justification to date online is if you have no access to venues where you can date real three-dimensional people face-to-face instead of mere avatars, icons, the computer. Online dating is a disaster waiting to happen. To start with, it is unsafe, as it affords no way to establish the identity of your interlocutor or correspondent. Online dating also denies you access to critical information such as your potential partner's body language, the pattern of his social interactions, his behavior in unexpected settings and circumstances, his non-scripted reactions, even his smell and how he truly looks, dresses and conducts himself in public and in private. Frequently in online dating, the partners use each other as blank screens onto which they project their own dreams, wishes and unfulfilled needs and earnings. They are bound to be disappointed when online push comes to offline shuff. But besides online dating, where can divorced adults meet new people, especially those who are not into the bar scene? But divorced adults are surrounded with eligible partners, at work, on the street, in the elevator, the clinic, next to the traffic lights, buying a newspaper, pushing a shopping cart at the mall. The problem is that of mindset, not of opportunity. Devosities are in such agony that many of them withdraw and block out new information, potentials and possibilities. Additionally, their narcissistic defenses kick in and they feel entitled to something or someone better or special. They become overly selective. They pose unrealistic demands, they subject people they have recently met to a battery of tests that all but guarantee failure. It's like divorcees are self-defeatingly punishing wannabe partners and would be made since pauses for the scenes and abusive misbehavior and maltreatment meted out to them by their exes. Manage the new for the scenes of the old. How should parents explain to their children that they are starting to dating? What advice can I give to parents who have children? What should parents do if their children do not like the person they are dating? It depends on one, whether the divorce was consensual and amicable or ugly and ruptuous. Two, who is perceived by the child within the so-called guilty party. Three, how old the kids are. Four, whether one of the parents or both use the child to taunt, torment and punish their counterparts. The parent should explain to his children his or her emotional needs. The parent should not supplicate, ask for the child's permission or pose as the child's equal or partner. The child should be kept fully informed at all times regarding developments that may affect the child. A date that is turning into something more serious and may alter living or custody arrangements for instance is such bit of information that should be shared with the child. The parent should make clear his or her priorities and as much as possible foster the child's sense of safety, emotional stability and certainty that he is loved. But the child should not have a veto power over the parent's predilections, choices and ultimately decisions. When should men and women break off a relationship? How should they know if their relationship is not going anywhere or could be a bad situation? Well, the answer is simple. When they are profoundly unhappy and also in the case of the hope of believing that things could or would get better no matter what they do and how much they invest in their relationship. It is essential to maintain an ongoing and honest dialogue with oneself and to let your inner voice guide you as undoubtedly it knows best. How does dating differ for different age groups, for instance newly divorced 20-somethings versus newly divorced 50-something year old? Mechanics, of course, are the same, but the expectations are quite different. The divorced 20-odd years old is probably still looking for a partner to establish family with as her main priority. Her 50-something year old counterpart is more concerned with companionship, personal growth and issues related to old age and security. Consequently, these two age groups are bound to home in on different profiles of potential partners and mates. What qualities or characteristics should newly single men and women look for in a new partner? Is it okay to look for a mister or a missus right now? How should newly single people know when they have found someone to hold onto? Well, according to research, women look for these qualities in men. One, good judgment. Two, intelligence. Three, faithfulness. Four, affectionate behavior. Five, financial responsibility. Men, on the other hand, seem to place a premium on these qualities in women. One, physical attraction and sexual availability. Two, good natureness. Three, faithfulness. Four, protective affectionateness. And five, dependability. The infatuation with mister right or missus right or miss right common in the west is very counterproductive and narcissistic. The romantic delusion that there exists somewhere, a perfect match, a sore mate, a lost identical twin, this delusion leads to paralysis as we keep searching for the best rather than sees upon the good. It is the optimum that we should seek, not the illusory maximum. Dating and pairing is the art of compromise, of overlooking his shortcomings and deficiencies in order to benefit from your prospective partner's good traits and qualities. And what do you advise about having friends with benefits? There's nothing wrong with short-term, interim, intermittent and less committed liaisons that involve sexual gratification as well as companionship. These kind of relationships provide for a loasis of much needed calm in between more demanding, serious and sometimes onerous relationships. As long as this does not become a permanent and predominant pattern, it should be regarded as a welcome addition to the emotional and sacrosexual, preparatory and arsenal of singles and the divorce. What is your advice to people still hooking up with their ex? Should they break it off or try to make it work again? How should they approach a subject with their ex? Well, the answer depends to a large extent on who the ex is. Breaking up relationship is like illness to the body. It doesn't have to be terminal. Some couples convalesce, reestablish their bond and reaffirm it. But if the ex is narcissistic, psychopathic or paranoid, hooking up again may not be such a great idea. Most of these orders are all pervasive, intractable and entrenched. Best stay away and avoid the traps of rescue fantasies and malignant optimism. You cannot change people, not in the real profound deep sense. You can only adapt to them and adapt them to you. If you do find your narcissists rewarding at times, you should consider doing these. One, determine your limits and boundaries. How much and in which ways can you adapt to him? In other words, in which ways can you accept him as he is, and to which extent and in which ways would you like him to adapt to you, accept you as you are? Act accordingly, accept what you have decided to accept and reject the rest. Change in you what you are willing and able to change and ignore the rest. Conclude an unwritten contract of coexistence, could be written if you are more formally inclined. Also try to maximise the number of times that his words are down, that you find him totally fascinating in everything I desire. What makes him be and behave this way? Is it something that you say or do, some kind of trigger? Is it preceded by events of a specific nature? Is there anything you can do to make him behave this way more often? Having said all these optimistic things, remember, sometimes we mistake guilt and self-assumed blame for love. Having suicide for someone else's sake is not love. Sacrificing yourself for someone else's sake and for someone else is not love. It is domination, it is co-dependence, but it's not love. You control your narcissists by giving as much as he controls you through his pathology. Your unconditional generosity sometimes prevents him from facing his true self and thus embarking on a path of healing. It is impossible to have a relationship with a narcissist that is meaningful to the narcissist. So how meaningful can it be to you? To preserve one's mental health, one must abandon the narcissist, one must move on. Moving on is a process, not a decision or an event. First, one has to acknowledge and accept painful reality. Such acceptance is a volcanic, shattering, agonising series of nibbling thoughts, strong resistances. Once a battle is won and harsh and agonising realities are assimilated, you can move on to the learning phase. The learning phase is where you label, where you educate yourself, you compare experiences, you digest, you have insights. And then based on all these, you decide to act and you act. This is what I call to move on. Having gathered sufficient emotional sustenance, knowledge, support and confidence, you face the battlefields of your relationship fortified and nurtured. At this stage, characterizes those who do not mourn but fight, do not grieve but replenish their self-esteem and do not hide but seek, do not freeze but move on. The process of grieving, forgiving, forgetting, they are all very important in this coming back to life and re-entering the world. But should you remain friends with, with your narcissist? You can't have him back as a maid, your country establishes a relationship, but can't you be just friends? Can we act civilized and remain on friendly terms with your narcissistic ex? Well never forget the narcissists, at least the full-fledged ones, are nice and friendly only when they want something from you. Narcissistic supply, health, support, those, money, whatever. They prepare the ground, they manipulate you and then they come out with the small favour they need, or ask you blatantly or surreptitiously for narcissistic supply. They can also pretend to be your friend if they feel threatened and they want to neuter the threat by smothering it with oozing pleasantries. And finally, magnanimously, they can be friends if they have just been infused with an overdose of narcissistic supply and they feel magnanimous and magnificent and ideal and perfect. And to show magnanimity is a way of flaunting one's impeccable credentials. It is an act of grandiosity. You are an irrelevant prop in the spectacle of the narcissist, a mere receptacle of his overflowing self-contented infatuation with his false self. So, such friendship, if it can be called such beneficence, is transient. Perpetual victims often tend to thank the narcissists for little graces. This is the Stockholm syndrome. Hostages tend to emotionally identify with their captors rather than with the police. We are grateful to our abusers and tormentors for seizing their hideous activities and allowing us to catch our breath. Don't fall into this trap. Don't remain friends with the narcissists, it's an impossibility. And finally, when is the right time to move a date or relationship into the bedroom? What precautions should people take before entering the bedroom? What advice do I have when it comes to sex? Well, my non-conventional answer is that the sooner the better. If he strikes you as a candidate, if he strikes you as a potential partner, it is time to hit the sack. Sexual incompatibility is the reason for the majority of breakups and divorces. Better to get this issue out of the way before things get more serious. If you find that he repents you sexually, if you find her unimaginative or frigid, if you find him clumsy and irritating, if you find her perfunctory or domineering, better put an end to it now before you commit yourselves and get entangled emotionally. Of course, all the precautions apply. Gather information about your prospective partners from his, her friends, family and colleagues. Insist on protected safe sex. Make clear in advance what you're willing to do and where you draw the line. But otherwise, go for it now before it is too late. Find out if you are a true couple in bed, as well as away from the bedsheets.