 The many social cultures of Nigeria, if you don't eat fruits you'll die of cancer. If you don't do this, this will happen to you. Why is the Nigerian way of life to instill fear in you to ensure compliance or as a marketing tool? And I'm going away from all we've talked about on the governance, on disabilities and to some light-headed banter. You know, I'm genuinely triggered by the negativity loop that's consistently manipulated in our society. And I personally look forward to an era where we actually appeal to a higher emotional tug. But there is a particular societal slant I want to talk to today. And that is the culture of I must marry or you must marry. If you don't marry before 30, your eggs will die. If you're not a married man by 35, you are irresponsible. Why are you rushing to get married is my question today. Well, I'm going to state upfront that I think that weddings are so beautiful looking and the glam and the glitz is to die for and all marriages can be bliss on earth and full of sugar and spice, you know, all things yum and so sweet. But a beautiful wedding day is easy to plan and you can have whatever your budget can afford. But can you have the marriage of your dreams based on your budget? The Nigerian society is one that places a premium on one's marital status. And I'm sure that as you are watching right now, an irate mother is frantically calling her son to ask yet again when he's coming to introduce his wife to be to her. And Daddy Dearest is sitting in the palo expressing his displeasure to his friend that his 34-year-old graduate daughter is busy chasing her career, breaking glass ceilings, he doesn't understand that at all, making a lot of money for what? But without a single thought about settling down with a man and having children. What a mess. Now, not many people actually put much thought into the fact that marriage calls for skills, great, and is striving for something akin to perfection in managing each other's persons and expectations. Let's look at all the other perpetrators of the Marinal culture. Friends, oh dear friends, they are just as bad as parents, especially when one by one crew members start tying a knot. Suddenly, all eyes are on you to walk down the aisle as well, talk about pressure. And sometimes it's that pressure that leads people into relationships and marriages they have no business being in. Truth be told, oftentimes the actions are carried out with the best intentions, and while some would almost shame you into marrying, others do it so subtly and even unintentionally. But some people on the other hand have set goals and so have placed themselves under personal pressures to get married. And while we're on it, let's not forget the great social media, coupled with age, your age hang-ups, and the busy body aunts and uncles, aka family members, who have set up a weekly schedule to remind you that your biological clock is ticking like the timer on a bomb. Well, one thing that all those pressure groups, as that is what they are, don't factor in, is that the timelines of each and every one of us differ. What applies to you may not apply to me. So I would say today, know this and know peace. And so while you want all your hot pictures on the gram, there's a ton of work that you must put in behind the scenes. Are we ready for that? Getting married? Having babies? Doing all the amazing public display of affection for social media and all the other great things is what every one of us desires. Well, maybe almost all of us, but are we all ready for it? It appears that a lot of who are yet to understand this. Or maybe they know and they are just not ready to think about it. Well, it's important that they take note that the rate of divorce today is attesting to this. Marriages are crashing every other day. So stop press. Jumping in with both feet without proper planning, financial, mental, and emotional stability is like taking a shovel and digging a pit for yourself. And sadly, that pits me widening and worsening till it swallows the person up whole unless there's an intervention. And at that point in time, where are all the pressure group members, the aunties, the uncles, the daddies, the mummies, the sisters, all those friends that were pressuring you to marry? You find that it's just you. Thinking about getting married when you're not even self-sufficient is a catastrophic state of mind. So it's planning to get married without having to take in charge of your emotions. I'm going to ask you today, how wise and sensible are you with money? And we know what Nigeria is talking about today. How about that temper? We're fighting domestic violence today. What is it without your bad mouth? Everything your mouth runs. Anything you say what comes into your mouth as you want to say it. Do you even know the level of importance it's attached to getting married? Or is it just because everyone else is doing it? You know, let's ask ourselves, do you have any idea about birth control? Or do you want to be helping babies out every year? Do you have money making ideas? In today's Nigeria, I repeat once again, now without filling in all the necessary emotional, financial and mental boxes, no one should be thinking of a marriage. I say, are you trustworthy? Do you know how to trust somebody? Do you even understand about sexual compatibility? Have you had the talk about what you like or what you don't like? Does your partner know or possess traits that you may not even be able to deal with? Because most people just want to get married to somebody without even thinking about what the other person wants. And I would like to say here, it is not enough to love someone. Do not be fooled, love is never enough. There are so many boxes to fill and check before you could even think about being self-ready for a successful marriage, a lifetime of togetherness. And while a dramatic proposal is definitely interesting and to be talked about, it is not the guarantee for an amazing marriage. And sadly, a lot of marriages that have not yet crashed are simply being held together for many various reasons, from the children to what people will say, to what will happen to me if I leave you, and sometimes just to keep up appearances. I would say if you are listening to me today and you know deep within you that you are nowhere close to actually being ready for marriage, I would ask you once again, why are you rushing to get married? Is it about getting married or actually having a sense of personal responsibility? Do you have an understanding of your life and what marriage really means to you as a person or to your society in home? So, are you trying to scare people from getting married? I think I am simply trying to let people realize that there's a lot of responsibility at that rate. I'm not just for a non-shell. I just call it that for people, they feel that it's only men. I'm a Nigeria man. You have hit that big dude, you have some money. You are living on your own. Out there, you don't have money. Why bring it? Why take your girls for you? I mean, do you think that it has to do with... For me, when it comes to marriage, there is always a cultural and a religious intersection, right? You know the whole concept of going to the world, multiply, have dominion. For you to multiply means you have to get married because in our culture, children come as a byproduct of a marriage. So the real focus for many of these parents and pressure groups is that cute niece nephew, the grandchild. It's not necessarily because they want to see you or bling-ring or they see you in a home. They need you to go in there because a child comes from that process. But to be on a serious note though, because of the high rate of divorces, I'm going to agree with you on this one completely. Divorces leave a negative impact on the couple, as well as the children, if not handled very carefully. There's a lot of baggage that comes with it. There's a lot of bitterness, you know, and if it can be avoided, right? Really, it's better to wait than make a mistake. The pressure comes from people just trying to do what is a natural progression of life. So many times now, I actually find that the pressure is no longer coming from the families. In recent times, for a lot of people, the pressure is actually coming from themselves. So you have two schools of two groups now. The people who are put themselves under pressure because it's the natural progression of life. I'm out of university, I have a job, it's time for me to get married. And then you have the ones where the families are making comments like, what are you going to do? But then you also have a group of people now who are deciding that, you know what, marriage and children is not an option for me. And that's what I'm discovering too, people are saying that. And people are starting to say that it's not an option for me. And I think there's also something that married people need to do better. And that is speaking about the good sides of marriage. What you find now is that a lot of people are going to marriage with a lot of baggage. Other people's baggage, not their baggage. They've seen marriages around them fail. So they've come with that thing of, oh, I've heard something that happened to my friend. And say, eh, when I marry, I'm not going to take that. So you already go in guns blazing, right? Your tentacles are already up, you're already paranoid. And so something that you may have handled in a particular way, you handled it with force and aggression. And of course, that's not going to work. Love is a decision, okay? It's not a feeling. So when people are going to marriage on the basis of love, and I ask them, what does it mean when you say that you are in love, right? They're never able to articulate it because it's a feeling. If you're able to articulate it, then I know that you're onto something because love is a decision. Love is deciding that I'm going to tolerate that mistake that you're going to make. I'm going to think of the worst case scenario. What's the worst thing that you're going to do? And I'm staying within the confines of, please, let's stay out of domestic violence, you know, things like that. But I'm thinking, what's the worst thing that you're going to do? Am I going to still be able to forgive you? Am I going to be able to stay with you when there's no money, right? Am I going to take on your battles? Are we working towards a vision? So it doesn't have anything to do with a feeling. It has to do with a decision that I'm going to work this journey with you. And people are able to answer those questions carefully and intelligently. Not all, I like the way he or she makes me feel. And they're not ready. That's the truth. So that's very true. It's better to wait. Well, it's quite a very, like I said before now, it's a whole lot brought into one. Kids, the whole marriage institution, the love aspects to it, and the societal pressure that comes with it. Particularly for people of my generation who, like he pointed out, that when you're not done with your university, have you got a master's degree, you're not working on any sort of money, the natural expectation is actually talking about getting married and all of that. And beyond that natural expectation that is forced on us by, that's a function of society, we all live, you understand? And it's not necessarily bad if you ask me. It's not necessarily bad that when you begin to attain a certain age, people, your friends, family will be, let me know as they will be interested in knowing when you're not eventually going to settle down and then perhaps open the chapter of your own family. It's a function of our cultural experience, you understand? And even in the Bible, even the Bible, like he pointed out, the Bible also ordains that institution, that the man, the woman has to live and together they become wife and procreate, fuel the air to multiply. So as the cultural and religious are basis for this, what I see that has happened now is how society has made it as though they have now, they don't allow it to happen, to just happen from the standpoint of the individual. That's where I'm going to, that's the point, yes. For the individual coming to the realization that okay, now I think I should now start off on, it should come from the individual. When it is now being forced from the societal pressure and family, it causes the problem that makes someone to now perhaps rush into it. And most times when you rush into it, you also rush out of it. As you say, you rush out of court. So those are the issues and I think we have to actually, we should not be drawn into all the bedlam out there. People should know what they want and know when to start this institution of marriage, if they feel they need it. I quite agree with both of you, but I think the part that I am beginning to, well maybe personally see and to talk to, is the fact that, like Uche rightly said, feelings and emotions have taken on the decision making. But one of the things, and this is totally away from the fact that it's a societal norm, life skills around decision making, critical thinking, as well as emotional intelligence, understanding of how people relate. We are not taking in the thinking part of decision making. This is a lifelong decision. And I'm saying that rather than be moved by societal norms or pressures within you or your sense of expectation to take in that cold eye review of what you want to get into. I mean, how many of us actually understand the other person? You know what I'm talking about? Wife material or husband material will look at things like I can tolerate his excesses. But have I ever actually thought of what actions or remedies or steps I want to use to tolerate those person's excesses or not? Who is that person? But then you know, I mean, these conversations that we're having today could go on and on and I'm sure they're really triggering conversations. Yeah, because it's an economic dimension to why people get married. I hope you know that. Oh yes. In fact, we're just chipping something. There was something that Chimaman Dengosa said sometime, that there is no timeliness to success. So for those who have seen marriage as a sort of a prize, or is a huge prize which must be won, they should know that there is no timeliness to it. She said a law degree that's gotten for his later and one got him for his earlier. They are all law degree. Fantastic. Very true. Thank you so much Raymond for that. Well, we have come to the end of today's episode. However, the advocacy continues on our social media platforms on Facebook at plus TV Africa hashtag the advocate NG or on Instagram at plus TV Africa hashtag the advocate NG. So catch up with previous broadcast, go to plus TV Africa dot com forward slash the advocate NG. And don't forget to subscribe to our YouTube channel plus TV Africa till next week. Same time on this station, let's keep advocating for a better society. Thank you. Bye for now.